Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep28: "Why Being a Woman Feels Like a Full-Time Job" 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep28: "Why Being a Woman Feels Like a Full-Time Job" 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: I have so much respect for women who get dressed up and go out.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: I have so much respect for all the women in here who got dressed up and came out tonight.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are amazing.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, you look good too.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure you ran a wet wipe over your situation.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: We are not worthy uh of all the effort.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: But I like to give women a little extra credit because I know how long it takes us to get ready to go out.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: There's so right?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, now we're on the same team.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: I still hate you.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Let's be real.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm kidding.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Seriously, though, Jacket, right?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: There's so much extra stuff we have to worry about as ladies.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like between the hair and makeup and mace and self-defense classes and therapy.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, no wonder we're always late to everything, you know?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta put on the armor of the Lord every day.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: No, being a woman's really fun.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Until you want to go for a walk by yourself, and then you're like, dang it, but I got all these holes.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: I can't just go strolling.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's drafty.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta plug those up.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's my idea.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I can feel the men in here shutting down.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Take a dump, make a phone call.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Not your joke.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Alright?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to worry about this.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: You finish up a night out, you're like, well, time to go home.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: We finish up a night out, we're like, well, hope I make it.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like the difference.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: We have to remember all the tips we learned in Cosmo this month about how to not die.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's all Cosmo is, by the way.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Tips on how to get you guys off, how to not die, how to get you guys off, how to not die.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then every third page, they're like, oh, and buy some more makeup, you ugly, ugly bitch.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Have you seen the thing we're supposed to do with our keys when we're walking alone at night?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you know what I'm talking about.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Good for you, Jacket.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: No one's putting you in a suitcase.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Well done.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: This is a real thing.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: We're supposed to put our keys through our knuckles so they stick out like these little party city claws.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Is that scaring anyone in the parking garage later?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Just like, oh, just get to the Prius, Lindsay.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Just get there.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Just, oh my god, that was a branch.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: We're okay.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Good practice swing.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: This is not a weapon.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is a joke Hugh Jackman makes in a Toyota commercial.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: I think about this all the time because I travel a lot as a lady, pretty much exclusively as a lady.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: And every once in a while I'll go somewhere cool.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: I talk to the hotel staff, like, hey, where should I go?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: What should I do?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: What should I see?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And they're always like, oh, well, you're a woman, you're basically handicapped, stay inside forever.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: And it's so offensive because I'm prepared, you guys.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: I have my mace, I have my claws, and if all else fails, I'm gonna walk around like this, okay?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know what this walk says?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Not worth the jail time, bro.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Go for someone else.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Easy to catch, no fun to bone, alright?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: I am not your princess.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: You don't know what I'm smuggling down there.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's some dark magic.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Curse of the black pearl.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, you guys can use this.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Is it Ladies' Night?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Join arms, do a little wizard of Oz.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: Down the yellow brick road to safety.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: If your date's not laughing, he's for sure gonna kill you.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: I do that joke so the Tinder people get home safe.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's who that's for.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know how long it took me to train my husband to eat my pussy correctly?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not going back out into the world, find somebody new to coach all over again.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: It's too much work.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_02: All of that knowledge that my husband has now, all of that time I invested, all of that muscle memory lives and dies with him.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: You can't store that in some sort of iPussy cloud and then just download it to a new husband 2.0.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: He is bespoke to me.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: Irreplaceable.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: Look, many patient nights, I wanted to fake it, okay?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: But I knew that it was so fundamental for the long term that he get it right, and that lying to him would just be cheating myself.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: And so I would shove his head down there and keep it down there until his face got pruny.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: Many nights he'd enter 7 p.m.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_02: looking like a 30-year-old man, exit hours later looking like Tommy Lee Jones.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_02: You know how hard it is for a young Asian man to suddenly transform into Tommy Lee Jones?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: I think a big part of being good at eating pussy is that you just gotta be into it, okay?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_02: Do it with gusto, with enthusiasm.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's a privilege, so act like you know, okay?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yes! Yes, don't hesitate, don't like you're some toddler being forced to eat broccoli.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: And hold your own goddamn head up, too.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: Don't use my thigh as a tripod and just do that stuff, you know, you gotta, uh, I love it.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: Well, you have to, man.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to be single.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_03: Are you kidding me?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_03: No way, not in this era, uh-uh.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: No way, because women, you know, we can't just get all old and fat like in the good old days, you know.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_03: Like now, now we gotta maintain our fuckability at every era of our lives.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: It's exhausting.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_03: You know, Kathy Bates is an amazing actress because she kind of has to be.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: 40, and now I'm a cougar.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: And then you're a grandma, and you're like, oh, sweet, I'm out of the system.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_03: No, you ain't.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_03: Now, now they call you a GIF.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: A grandma, I'd like to.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: No, not Nana.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_03: Not sweet butterscotch candy.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_03: And here's the thing that's whack.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_03: There's nothing for dudes, right?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: They don't call you guys animal names or acronyms.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_03: They don't call you guys DILFs.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it's true, you know, because there's no such thing as a dad you want to fuck.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: Well, no, I know this because I've been in the airports in the Midwest and I have seen the dance.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I've seen you dance.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: Really, Dad?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_03: You think some woman is gonna be like, oh, yeah.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: Dad, oh.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_03: I love those faded blue jeans you got on.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: Mm-mm.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, is that a brown braided belt?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_04: We walk into this bar, and one of the difficult parts about being a woman, besides everything, is that it's really hard, is that you're constantly battling with yourself.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_04: In the long run, we're battling our weight, hair color, wrinkles.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_04: Minute to minute, it's just an adjustment of your hair and your bra and your underwear and your makeup and your mustache.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_04: Braid it, beat it, set it.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_04: You're always doing something.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_04: Because if one thing is off, then the night is ruined, Scott.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_04: Okay?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_04: One time I left my house without mascara on.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_04: I did a U-turn on a four-lane highway.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_04: Like, no! They will see the whites of my eyes.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_04: Everything has to be perfect.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_04: And guys, it's exhausting.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_04: It's exhausting being a girl.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_04: Did you know, fun scientific fact that I made up on the way here, that women get four minutes out of every night, four minutes out of every night where our brain sends a message to our body saying everything's okay, stop messing with it.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_04: Four minutes out of every night where your brain sends a message to your body like homeostasis achieved.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_04: And the rest of the time, it's just everything has to be perfect.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_04: So we walk into this bar.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_04: My first thought I gotta fix my lip liner now.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not even a big lip liner wearer, but in that moment, it was everything.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_04: In that moment, I believed fixing my lip liner is what stood between me and eternal happiness, okay?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_04: I had to take a liner, I had to find my liner and line my chola lips, okay?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_04: That's what I had to do.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_04: So glad I got a response in North Carolina had nothing.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_04: Okay.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_04: Had to fix my lip liner, had to be right then.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_04: To the gentleman in the room, I don't expect you to understand the urgency with which I had to fix my lip liner.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_04: The only thing I could liken it to in male culture is like when you feel you have to adjust your balls.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_04: Similar immediacy.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_04: As we've seen, unfortunately.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_04: When you feel that's gotta happen, it's gotta happen now.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_04: Go, go, go in front of children.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_04: Christmas Eve, family portrait, messing with my dick.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_04: Messing with my dick and pop there.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_04: It's a dick puzzle.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_04: I'm solving it now.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_04: Maximum comfort any cost.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_04: This is my right.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_04: Nancy get off my back.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_04: So so many guys right now have to adjust.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, I'm not gonna do it.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_04: I believe that's what Elvis was doing.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_04: Make sense.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_04: Needed my liner.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_04: Now you understand that I needed it, guys, okay?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_04: Needed the hunging liner.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_04: That means I had to find the liner in my bag.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_04: However, I had a big bag.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_04: There's a very specific way that women will search for something when we have a big bag.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_04: What do you do?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_04: You take a designated search claw and you plunge it.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_04: Never breaking eye contact with your prey.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_04: I mean your date.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_04: Notice I haven't blinked Chicago dedication to acting.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_04: The constant eye contact being a reminder that yes, I can multitask and keep talking.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_04: I'll make a great partner marry me.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_04: Meanwhile, to the outside world, it looks like you're wrestling with a very small bass.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_04: If you're a real pro, you keep the conversation moving.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_04: Still haven't blinked, by the way.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_04: If you're a real pro, you keep the conversation moving.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_04: I'm listening, I'm listening.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_04: Keep talking, keep talking.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_04: I can look and listen.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_04: Say fan duel one more time, motherfucker.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_04: I'm listening.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_04: You're digging around in there.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_04: Meanwhile, as a woman, you're having to come to terms with the seventh layer of hell that is the bottom of your bag.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_04: It's just a graveyard of dismembered pens.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_04: There's coins.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_04: Why is there always a Nature's Valley granola bar crumbled?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_04: You stick your hand down, you come up with oats between your fingernails.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_04: You're like, ow!
• 12:47
  unknown: Ow!
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_04: Take it around, a gym lock, a phone charger, a concealer without its lid.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_04: Why?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_04: Why can't we make them with retractable lids that don't break off?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_04: Because you stick your hand down there, unknowingly, you come up with one creamy finger.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_04: You're like, no! No! But it was expensive.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_04: So you're like, no! So now you look amazing.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_04: Keep looking, keep looking.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_04: Bits of paper, a saw, keep looking around.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_04: Tampon Adamus wrapper.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe I keep it.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_04: Nope, I'll get sick digging around.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_04: If it's out of the wrapper, don't keep it.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes it's like, oh, just don't blow on it, and then you're gonna get dysentery, you'll never finish the organ trail.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_04: Seven or eight seconds go by, I cannot find my lip liner.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_04: Seven or eight seconds go by, which in girl years is like forever.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_04: I cannot find my lip liner.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_04: So, what's a logical thing to do?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe use the other hand to add to the search, right?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_04: To aid in the excavation.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe get a cellular device to illuminate this situation.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_04: Not me! I dropped to my knees on a dance floor, dumped out the bag, and start sifting through it like Helen Keller learning how to spell water.