Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 91: Urgency vs Emergency

Transcript

91: Urgency vs Emergency · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back to my inner work Monday minis.
• 0:24
  So these are just mini sessions here where I just share a little idea that can have a huge impact on your life.
• 0:31
  And what I'm recognizing now, as I dive into these Monday minis is that sometimes when I post a podcast, one of my longer length ones, Then there's something that either stands out to those that are listening and they say, oh, can you please talk about that a little bit more?
• 0:44
  Or it's something that as I'm listening back, I just wish that I wish I would have dug into that a little bit deeper.
• 0:50
  And that is exactly what happened with episode 84 saying yes.
• 0:54
  And saying no, the law of opposites.
• 0:56
  So if you haven't listened to that one, go ahead and check it out.
• 0:59
  But something that I said in that episode was talking about noticing the difference between urgency and an emergency and how this can really help and support you as you're discovering who you want to say yes to and who you want to say no to.
• 1:12
  And as you're raising your awareness around the idea that when I say yes to one thing, I'm saying no to something else and making sure that you're saying yes to the things that you really want to say yes to.
• 1:23
  So I wanted to kind of talk a little bit about how to notice the difference.
• 1:28
  Between someone else's urgency and an actual emergency, because this can really help to alleviate a significant amount of guilt when we have to tell somebody, no, because oftentimes we think that because someone is being super loud and super animated and we can hear and feel the urgency in their energy.
• 1:47
  We think this must be an emergency.
• 1:49
  This is super duper important, but oftentimes it's not actually an emergency.
• 1:54
  We're just noticing and observing their level of urgency.
• 1:57
  Around it.
• 1:58
  So I wanted to kind of talk a little bit about how to tell the difference between urgency and an actual emergency.
• 2:06
  With urgency?
• 2:08
  Yes, it is time sensitive.
• 2:10
  But the consequences of not taking immediate action are pretty mild.
• 2:15
  It's not that big of a deal.
• 2:16
  All right.
• 2:17
  So even if someone is really animated about it, really think through what are the consequences of, if this doesn't happen, oftentimes the mild consequences, you know, somebody just kind of inconvenienced or they have to call somebody else.
• 2:28
  It's not that big of a deal.
• 2:29
  Whereas with an emergency emergencies are also time sensitive.
• 2:34
  But not taking immediate action, then the consequences will be more severe.
• 2:39
  So noticing, okay, what is really happening here?
• 2:42
  Are these going to be mild consequences or more severe consequences?
• 2:47
  So with urgency, the consequences of it not being addressed, it.
• 2:50
  It will include basically a little bit of inconvenience, a little bit of discomfort for the other person.
• 2:55
  They might have to call somebody else to pick up their child, or they might have to rearrange their schedule in order to accommodate what it is that they're asking of you.
• 3:02
  It's going to include some mild inconvenience.
• 3:06
  Whereas when it's an emergency, the consequences might include death or severe injury to yourself or to other people.
• 3:13
  And so really noticing, okay, now I know that this feels like a huge deal, but what are the consequences?
• 3:21
  Are they more mild or are they more severe?
• 3:23
  Another thing to notice is with urgency.
• 3:25
  The problem really could have been prevented with a little bit of forethought and a little bit of planning.
• 3:31
  Oftentimes people procrastinate making a plan for something that they knew was coming.
• 3:35
  And then they, at the last minute, like to make their problem, everybody helps us problem.
• 3:41
  So just notice.
• 3:41
  Okay.
• 3:42
  Is this something that could have been prevented with a little bit of thought.
• 3:46
  And a little bit of planning.
• 3:47
  Whereas with any emergency, this is something that could not have been planned for.
• 3:51
  And they couldn't have possibly prepared for this, you know, they didn't know it was coming and that is an emergency when it's.
• 3:57
  Wow.
• 3:58
  I had no idea.
• 3:58
  This was coming.
• 3:59
  I feeling a little bit blindsided.
• 4:01
  Now, oftentimes when someone is feeling inconvenienced and they're experiencing that level of urgency, and we have identified that for us, we don't necessarily want to step in, in this moment.
• 4:12
  Now you may want to have something in line for yourself because we do want to show up in loving-kindness right?
• 4:17
  So maybe you have like a three strikes.
• 4:19
  You're out rule where, okay, I'm going to help you out with this, but after this many times, then you need to handle it on your own.
• 4:24
  And I'm going to say no, because at some point it becomes enabling.
• 4:28
  Rather than helping.
• 4:30
  And I kind of have this deal with my kiddos right.
• 4:32
  Where I'm like, sure, like if you forget your lunch or your flute or your homework, Yes, I will come and bring it to the school once.
• 4:40
  And then if you forget it again, then that's going to be it.
• 4:43
  And so you might want to think about, okay, well, what would we actually be helpful in the moment?
• 4:47
  And would this actually be helping or would this be enabling?
• 4:50
  And again, you may want to help out a couple of times just because you're nice like that.
• 4:56
  And that's okay.
• 4:57
  But recognize that there does come a point.
• 5:01
  Where it has turned more into enabling than actually helping.
• 5:05
  And when you tell them know, also know that more than likely, especially if their person that really does create a lot of urgency for themselves.
• 5:12
  When you tell them, Hey, I'm not going to be able to help you this time.
• 5:15
  It's going to be like, they're hitting that big red button.
• 5:17
  That says Urgency increased.
• 5:20
  So they're going to be a little bit more intense.
• 5:22
  Like what, what am I going to do if you can't tell me, what am I possibly going to do more than likely they've grown accustomed.
• 5:29
  She, you being the person to show up in love and support and to help them out with various things.
• 5:34
  And so if you can't help them, they honestly have forgotten that anyone else suggested that they could ask someone else.
• 5:41
  So just know that probably their level of urgency is going to increase.
• 5:45
  And remind yourself that I understand that you're really feeling overwhelmed right now and recognize for yourself that it still is not an emergency.
• 5:53
  And it is okay for them to experience that discomfort.
• 5:57
  Oftentimes they have to experience the discomfort before they can create those changes for yourself.
• 6:02
  In fact, I'll use that example of my kiddos again.
• 6:05
  That.
• 6:05
  Yeah, they really appreciate it when I bring them, whatever they forgotten.
• 6:09
  And also it's really, really important for those kids to learn.
• 6:14
  That, oh, it is really uncomfortable for me.
• 6:16
  If I forget my lunch, if I forget my homework, if I forget my flute and I have to just sit there and pretend to play.
• 6:22
  It really is uncomfortable for me.
• 6:24
  And it reinforces to the brain, the importance of remembering.
• 6:28
  Because if they become reliant on you as the parent, or as the friend to jump in and to rescue.
• 6:34
  They're never going to learn how to, prevent that in the future.
• 6:37
  But remember just because they're feeling urgent.
• 6:40
  This could have been prevented with a little bit of forethought and a little bit of planning.
• 6:45
  So I hope that that is helpful for you.
• 6:47
  If there is something here on the podcast that you would like me to dive a little bit deeper into, I would love to know about it.
• 6:52
  I could either do a full length episode on it, or I could do another one of these Monday minis, but let me know what is coming up for you.
• 6:59
  If there's something that you would like me to explain.
• 7:01
  And a bit more depth, probably somebody else here on the podcast that is also thinking, oh, I really wish that she would have talked about that a little bit more in depth.
• 7:08
  So feel free to message me and let me know all my contact information is in the show notes and yeah, I hope you have a great week and I'll see you on Thursday.
• 7:15
  And by now,