Latest / Dear Chelsea / Matchmaker Matchmaker with Chelsea + Catherine

Transcript

Matchmaker Matchmaker with Chelsea + Catherine · Dear Chelsea

0:00
Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine.
0:02
Speaker 2: I'm really excited about today, Chelsea.
0:04
Speaker 1: Oh oh wow, you have a little party boomer. I
0:07
Speaker 1: actually a little podcast party boomer.
0:09
Speaker 2: Can I tell you why, Chelsea? We are finally going
0:12
Speaker 2: to do some matchmaking.
0:16
Speaker 3: Oh that's nice, callers, pay attention. Are these just for
0:20
Speaker 3: gay people or is this for hetero heterogenerous heado generous couples?
0:26
Speaker 4: You know?
0:26
Speaker 2: Here is the thing. When I finally dug into the emails,
0:30
Speaker 2: I thought to myself, like, how am I going to
0:32
Speaker 2: hook these people up?
0:32
Speaker 5: Right?
0:33
Speaker 2: Because people are all over the country, all over the
0:36
Speaker 2: world emailing in. Some people are gay, some people are straight,
0:40
Speaker 2: et cetera. There are a lot of straight women that
0:42
Speaker 2: wrote in. And I you know, we will do our
0:45
Speaker 2: best for you ladies, but yes, it's going to be
0:48
Speaker 2: more successful for gay guys.
0:49
Speaker 1: Okay, well take whatever we can tell you. You know
0:51
Speaker 1: what I mean. We have to help who we can help.
0:53
Speaker 2: Yes, But I thought what we'd do. I thought we
0:56
Speaker 2: can do sort of a crowdsourcing thing and then we'll
0:58
Speaker 2: let people side into their into an email that we
1:01
Speaker 2: create for them. Cute, Chelsea, I have some updates from
1:05
Speaker 2: some previous callers. Are you ready for this?
1:07
Speaker 1: Yes?
1:08
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, this first one is from a recent piece
1:11
Speaker 2: of advice that we gave Melanie. She was from an
1:15
Speaker 2: episode that you and I had done together. Her airbnb
1:18
Speaker 2: host was a little older, little sexy older man situation.
1:21
Speaker 2: She was worried about putting the moves. Uh huh, She says,
1:25
Speaker 2: I have a very happy update for you. After another
1:27
Speaker 2: month of growing closer and getting flirty, my host finally
1:31
Speaker 2: bit the bullet while we were on a hike.
1:32
Speaker 1: Together, add sister. I love it.
1:35
Speaker 2: Until me he'd like to be more than friends. Needless
1:38
Speaker 2: to say, I was so relieved since I've clearly been
1:41
Speaker 2: such a chicken about making a move Since then, we
1:43
Speaker 2: went on a first official date where he took me
1:46
Speaker 2: to the movies and surprised me with roses. We finally
1:49
Speaker 2: said everything we've been holding in, and things moved quickly.
1:52
Speaker 3: Ever, I love that part or you tell each other
1:54
Speaker 3: all the times you were about to say something and
1:55
Speaker 3: you didn't, and then they tell you what they were thinking.
1:58
Speaker 1: That's the most exciting time of a reallyationship. It's the best.
2:01
Speaker 3: It's a very very beginning where you're just flirting and
2:03
Speaker 3: like trying to like be on your best behavior.
2:06
Speaker 2: And like filling in the gaps from things that have
2:07
Speaker 2: already happened, like here's where my head was at with that.
2:10
Speaker 2: He treats me like absolute gold, and I'm stunned that
2:13
Speaker 2: it's even possible to feel so adored by an emotionally
2:16
Speaker 2: available man. I'm being showered with words of adoration and
2:20
Speaker 2: we're already talking about finding ways for me to stay
2:22
Speaker 2: here in New Zealand long term. It's a big adjustment.
2:26
Speaker 2: Living in the same house and dating a much older
2:28
Speaker 2: man is all new territory for me. But I'm more
2:30
Speaker 2: than ready to heal all the dating app drama I
2:33
Speaker 2: endured in my twenties. Thanks again for your encouragement and
2:36
Speaker 2: all you do on this podcast. Hopefully I can provide
2:39
Speaker 2: more happy updates soon. In gratitude a Melanie.
2:42
Speaker 1: And stay in New Zealand.
2:43
Speaker 3: That's a safe place for global warming too. They're saying
2:45
Speaker 3: New Zealand US. All the bunkers are over there.
2:49
Speaker 2: Are there?
2:49
Speaker 3: Yeah, they have a lot of millionaires and billionaires have
2:52
Speaker 3: built like bunkers into the side of the mountains in
2:55
Speaker 3: New Zealand, even though it's pretty much an island.
2:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't have huge elevation but has protective rock
3:01
Speaker 1: layering and there are hills and stuff. Yeah.
3:04
Speaker 2: We have a friend who is a Kiwi and he
3:06
Speaker 2: did COVID right. He decided to like leave his terrible
3:10
Speaker 2: wife and go back to New Zealand at the beginning
3:12
Speaker 2: of COVID, and he was like, I got there. You
3:16
Speaker 2: have to quarantine for two weeks, right, so they put
3:18
Speaker 2: you up. The government put you up in a nice
3:20
Speaker 2: hotel on the beach and one hour a day they
3:23
Speaker 2: would like have someone follow you for your like romantic
3:26
Speaker 2: walk on the beach so you could have some outdoors time.
3:28
Speaker 2: And then they give you like steak dinners every night
3:30
Speaker 2: for two weeks, all on the government. I was like,
3:32
Speaker 2: good job New Zealand.
3:33
Speaker 1: For when you were stressed out.
3:36
Speaker 2: No, just like during the beginning of COVID when he
3:38
Speaker 2: had to quarantine because they only let.
3:42
Speaker 1: Yeah that is nice.
3:43
Speaker 3: Yes, I'm having dinner with my friends tonight and he
3:45
Speaker 3: just texted me, do you want sushi or steak?
3:47
Speaker 1: I'm like sushi.
3:50
Speaker 2: I don't want steak any early.
3:52
Speaker 3: I don't know even when my bell gets steak for
3:54
Speaker 3: the house. I look at it now and I'm just
3:55
Speaker 3: so disgusted. I can't even eat it. I can eat
3:58
Speaker 3: a burger, but steak itself starting to get really grossed
4:01
Speaker 3: out by I know.
4:01
Speaker 2: Sometimes you do just get the ick like I sometimes
4:03
Speaker 2: we'll get the ick for chicken for like two years ago.
4:05
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I had that about salmon, and now
4:07
Speaker 3: I'm down, deep down, I'm upriver with salmon.
4:11
Speaker 2: I love salmon.
4:12
Speaker 1: You know why.
4:12
Speaker 3: I also like salmon because bears love salmon, and I
4:15
Speaker 3: love fucking watching bears try and catch salmon. Do you
4:19
Speaker 3: watch YouTube videos or it's just like your canon stadium?
4:22
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I watch are bears and fat fat babies?
4:24
Speaker 1: Oh yes, I love both of those things.
4:27
Speaker 3: It's amazing how a lot of people do not like
4:30
Speaker 3: fat babies because I forward that stuff to my girlfriends
4:33
Speaker 3: and a lot of them are like, stop sending us this.
4:35
Speaker 3: They're like, this is gross. I'm like what, I think
4:39
Speaker 3: it's beautiful. I mean, when is the time to be
4:41
Speaker 3: a fatty unless.
4:43
Speaker 2: It's absolutely easiest time to do it?
4:46
Speaker 1: See?
4:47
Speaker 2: My thing right now is just like dogs that are
4:49
Speaker 2: howling or like singing quote unquote, and people will write
4:53
Speaker 2: these like jazz tunes underneath them, and it cracks me
4:55
Speaker 2: up every single time. I just absolutely love it. Dog
4:58
Speaker 2: humor is pretty solid, solid, It's solid.
5:01
Speaker 1: Okay.
5:02
Speaker 3: On that note, we're gonna take a quick break and
5:04
Speaker 3: will be right back, and we're back.
5:11
Speaker 2: We are well, h says dear Chelsea. I'm an almost
5:16
Speaker 2: thirty three year old woman living alone in a major
5:18
Speaker 2: city in Washington State, which I recently relocated to to
5:21
Speaker 2: be closer to certain members of my family. My relationship
5:25
Speaker 2: with my mother has gotten a little bit better in
5:27
Speaker 2: recent years as both of us have been going to therapy,
5:29
Speaker 2: but still honestly has quite a ways to go. I
5:32
Speaker 2: love her very much and do believe she's a wonderful
5:34
Speaker 2: person underneath it all. My mom has never liked any
5:37
Speaker 2: person I've ever introduced her to, whether they were romantic
5:41
Speaker 2: or a friend. She always seems to see the worst
5:43
Speaker 2: in people, even when they've never given her any reason
5:46
Speaker 2: to be suspicious or wary. In all my adult life,
5:49
Speaker 2: I have simply tried to accept that that's how she is,
5:52
Speaker 2: and let her unsolicited opinions about me and my life
5:55
Speaker 2: choices roll off my back like water off a ducts back,
5:58
Speaker 2: as you like to say. Periods of time in which
6:01
Speaker 2: I've gone low contact or given her a strict information
6:04
Speaker 2: diet to preserve my joy and protect myself from her
6:07
Speaker 2: unsolicited opinions. But I've also tried to do right by
6:10
Speaker 2: her and make her proud. I've been dating my boyfriend
6:13
Speaker 2: for a few months, and recently it felt like a
6:16
Speaker 2: good time to casually introduce him to some of my people,
6:19
Speaker 2: my folks included. I felt that it all went well.
6:22
Speaker 2: All of my friends absolutely loved him, and the meeting
6:24
Speaker 2: with my folks seemed very chill and cordial. Then a
6:28
Speaker 2: week after that, my mom expressed significant concern. She said
6:32
Speaker 2: that he makes her feel uncomfortable, that she feels he
6:35
Speaker 2: is potentially dangerous, and has a gut feeling that he's
6:38
Speaker 2: bad news. I maintained my composure to hear her out,
6:41
Speaker 2: but gently pressed to ask if he said anything rude
6:44
Speaker 2: or did anything inappropriate that made her feel this way.
6:47
Speaker 2: She said no, it was just her intuition exactly. I
6:51
Speaker 2: feel I should mention that he does have an alternative look.
6:54
Speaker 2: He's missing a few teeth from a traumatic altercation in
6:57
Speaker 2: his youth and looks a bit rough around the edge.
7:00
Speaker 2: I've heard his stories and get zero red flags from them,
7:03
Speaker 2: and honestly find it very hot that he has his
7:05
Speaker 2: own style. He's in touch with himself, and I find
7:08
Speaker 2: his look very attractive. He's a wonderful man who treats
7:11
Speaker 2: me better than I've ever been treated, and is much
7:13
Speaker 2: softer on the inside than he looks on the outside. However,
7:17
Speaker 2: I truly value intuition. Do I put stock in hers
7:20
Speaker 2: or trust my own? Sincerely?
7:22
Speaker 6: H Hi, h Hi, Chelsea, Hi Catherine, So great to
7:27
Speaker 6: meet you.
7:28
Speaker 1: Is that a cabbage patch kid behind you in that window?
7:30
Speaker 2: So some weird dull?
7:32
Speaker 6: Yeah, I'm a nanny, so there's all sorts of kid.
7:34
Speaker 1: Oh oh, I see copy of that.
7:36
Speaker 2: Yes, we are catching her during nap time.
7:38
Speaker 3: So it sounds like you have a long history of
7:40
Speaker 3: this dynamic in your relationship, right, that she's been pulling
7:43
Speaker 3: this shit for years and years.
7:45
Speaker 6: Yeah, and to the point where I want to honor
7:47
Speaker 6: her perspective and I want to always consider if there
7:50
Speaker 6: may be is some truth to any of her complaints,
7:54
Speaker 6: you know, But when I really think about it, I
7:57
Speaker 6: just can't quite figure out what her deal is, why
8:00
Speaker 6: there's consistently a problem.
8:02
Speaker 1: And has her intuition been right before?
8:05
Speaker 6: Not really, I mean, not in anything else. I mean,
8:08
Speaker 6: she's been correct that my relationships in the past didn't
8:11
Speaker 6: last forever. But that was my choice and a good one.
8:14
Speaker 3: But that's more factual, that's not intuitive, right, that's what happened.
8:18
Speaker 1: Happened.
8:19
Speaker 3: I would put a lot less value in what her
8:22
Speaker 3: intuition is telling her. There is a nice way to
8:25
Speaker 3: say this to her, though, because you have a great
8:27
Speaker 3: opportunity because you just said all of these things that
8:30
Speaker 3: make your boyfriend or I don't know if you're calling
8:32
Speaker 3: him that yet, are you calling him your boyfriend? Okay,
8:34
Speaker 3: your boyfriend like shady kind of characteristics like he's missing
8:38
Speaker 3: a couple of teeth, or what people would frame as
8:40
Speaker 3: rough around the edges as you mentioned like that, right,
8:43
Speaker 3: I think that's really open minded of you that that
8:46
Speaker 3: doesn't bother you. That's a great place to start to say,
8:49
Speaker 3: to just engage in this conversation and go, you know,
8:51
Speaker 3: while I can understand for this, this and this reasons
8:54
Speaker 3: that might have made you uncomfortable, but I don't really
8:57
Speaker 3: look at those things as you know, I think those
8:59
Speaker 3: are characteristic of who he is, not as character flaws,
9:04
Speaker 3: you know, And you can use your own language to
9:06
Speaker 3: say all of this, but it's a great opportunity to
9:08
Speaker 3: a be soft and gentle honor her intuition, and also
9:14
Speaker 3: let her know it's really no longer welcome. You're a
9:17
Speaker 3: woman now. You don't need her opinion, you don't need
9:20
Speaker 3: her approval. She's not even proven herself to be good
9:23
Speaker 3: at listening to her intuition. These are judgments, not intuitiveness.
9:28
Speaker 3: You know, judgment and intuition are two different things.
9:31
Speaker 6: So yeah, well, thank you for clarifying, because that's kind
9:35
Speaker 6: of where I was trying to draw the line as well,
9:37
Speaker 6: where it's like, if it actually felt like intuition, if
9:39
Speaker 6: it was coming from a best friend who actually knows
9:43
Speaker 6: me really really well.
9:44
Speaker 1: Or has a track record of steering you in the
9:46
Speaker 1: right direction.
9:48
Speaker 6: Then I would be taking it super seriously. But with her,
9:51
Speaker 6: it's like, now, I think that's just a nice word
9:53
Speaker 6: for judgment.
9:54
Speaker 2: For me, it's a big green flag to me that
9:57
Speaker 2: all your friends really really liked him, and that you
10:01
Speaker 2: know he got along with the rest of your people.
10:03
Speaker 2: And I think you know you have this track record
10:05
Speaker 2: with your mom of like, she doesn't like your friends,
10:07
Speaker 2: she doesn't like whoever you bring home. I think you
10:08
Speaker 2: mentioned she loves everybody your sister brings home.
10:11
Speaker 4: M M.
10:12
Speaker 2: Of course, when you just gotta feel amazing. But you mentioned,
10:15
Speaker 2: you know, wanting to do right by her and make
10:17
Speaker 2: her proud, and I think for me, especially, like that's
10:20
Speaker 2: something I carry with me all the time that I'm
10:22
Speaker 2: working on. Dismantling in my thirties is just like being
10:26
Speaker 2: okay with sort of disappointing my parents and in ways
10:30
Speaker 2: that are sort of large and small, and often you know,
10:33
Speaker 2: the result is not as catastrophic as I thought it
10:36
Speaker 2: was going to be in in previous years. And you know,
10:40
Speaker 2: like Chelsea said, having a conversation with her reminding her,
10:43
Speaker 2: don't judge a book by its cover. That's not what
10:45
Speaker 2: I'm doing. And I'd love to see him prove you wrong.
10:47
Speaker 2: And you know, whether or not we stay together for
10:50
Speaker 2: the long haul. I think he's a great person and
10:52
Speaker 2: would love for you to get to know him better.
10:55
Speaker 6: Right, So would you both say that would you recommend
10:58
Speaker 6: that I wait to have that conversation with her and
11:02
Speaker 6: then kind of feel out how any future meetings between
11:08
Speaker 6: them might go, because I I don't want to completely
11:11
Speaker 6: bar him from any part of my family life just
11:14
Speaker 6: because she's going to get pissy.
11:15
Speaker 2: But I also don't want to.
11:17
Speaker 3: I think you're going to be surprised by her reaction
11:19
Speaker 3: to this because it doesn't sound like you've had this
11:21
Speaker 3: conversation with her before.
11:22
Speaker 6: Correct not on this subject, but I have essentially said
11:26
Speaker 6: very similar things to her opinions about either my school
11:31
Speaker 6: or my career or my this or my you know whatever.
11:34
Speaker 6: So just different topic, you know.
11:37
Speaker 1: We'll use this topic, and trying to like just change
11:40
Speaker 1: the approach, even just slightly different, so that it's memorable
11:43
Speaker 1: for both of you in a positive way, because I
11:45
Speaker 1: think you don't seem like an angry person. But get
11:47
Speaker 1: rid of any anger.
11:49
Speaker 3: Or accusation, okay, because even calling out her judgment is
11:54
Speaker 3: really her accusing him of being something that she has
11:57
Speaker 3: no proof to bear witness of. So I think you're
12:01
Speaker 3: gonna look at this and you're gonna be proud of yourself.
12:03
Speaker 3: And it cannot be understated to every single person who's
12:05
Speaker 3: listening today. When you act and courage and you stand
12:09
Speaker 3: up to something that bothers you in a loving way,
12:12
Speaker 3: it's like you evolve to the next level of being
12:15
Speaker 3: a human being because you won't ever have to struggle
12:18
Speaker 3: with that kind of thing again. So it's worth every
12:22
Speaker 3: minute that you spend thinking about it and executing it
12:25
Speaker 3: in the like, in your highest vibe and really getting
12:28
Speaker 3: the message across to your mother in a loving way.
12:30
Speaker 3: And I guarantee you will be You will be very
12:32
Speaker 3: surprised by the response, because I don't think you're gonna
12:35
Speaker 3: have to worry about when to schedule after even if
12:37
Speaker 3: she gets mad, Initially, she's going to come down and
12:39
Speaker 3: think about what happened, and she's going to know that
12:42
Speaker 3: she wants to see you.
12:43
Speaker 1: That's going to be, you know, a double thing, and
12:45
Speaker 1: she's going to want.
12:46
Speaker 3: To prove to you that she's not judgmental and that
12:48
Speaker 3: her intuition is right. And in that effort, she will
12:51
Speaker 3: be wanting to spend time with you. And that's not
12:53
Speaker 3: to say that her intuition is right, but that will
12:55
Speaker 3: be her motivation, do.
12:56
Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
12:57
Speaker 3: Because you came at her at a different level, and
12:59
Speaker 3: then that requires a different response. You can't mingle the
13:02
Speaker 3: same way when you're doing it differently.
13:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know you've learned this lesson not to
13:07
Speaker 2: judge a book by its cover. You really like this guy,
13:09
Speaker 2: he seems really great, but she hasn't learned that lesson yet.
13:12
Speaker 2: So coming at her with a sort of like you
13:14
Speaker 2: don't have to say this to her, but in your
13:15
Speaker 2: mind being like aw, like she has she's not quite
13:18
Speaker 2: there yet, you're encouraging her like maybe just have an
13:20
Speaker 2: open mind. I really like him, and maybe you'll you'll
13:23
Speaker 2: have a different opinion down the road, and then like
13:26
Speaker 2: leaving it at that. I think whether to like talk
13:28
Speaker 2: to her about it or shoot her a text is
13:31
Speaker 2: dependent on like how sort of activated you think that
13:34
Speaker 2: you will be. Do you feel like you can have
13:36
Speaker 2: this conversation with her in person and not get upset
13:39
Speaker 2: with her, or do you think maybe shoot her a text.
13:42
Speaker 6: At some point, I feel like I can as long
13:46
Speaker 6: as things haven't been like getting inflammatory earlier on that
13:50
Speaker 6: you know, hang out or conversation. But she is in
13:54
Speaker 6: town actually for the next couple of days, so I've
13:57
Speaker 6: just been kind of keeping things neutral around a little
14:00
Speaker 6: bit of an information diet, just calling like normal and
14:03
Speaker 6: just shooting the breeze, not really bringing it up, just
14:07
Speaker 6: trying to not upset myself with it. So I feel
14:11
Speaker 6: like if the opportunity presents itself and makes sense, then
14:16
Speaker 6: I might go for it, and if not, then I
14:19
Speaker 6: might just wait a little bit longer and maybe add
14:22
Speaker 6: something like that into a text the next time that
14:25
Speaker 6: I'm going to be in her orbit.
14:27
Speaker 2: And also, you know, the more that you do bring
14:30
Speaker 2: him around, the less of sort of a shock his
14:32
Speaker 2: appearance will be. Like when you get to know someone,
14:34
Speaker 2: their appearance in a weird way sort of fades away.
14:37
Speaker 2: You don't notice these sort of really specific things about
14:40
Speaker 2: them that you might have noticed so much in the beginning.
14:42
Speaker 2: So you know, I would definitely encourage you to like
14:44
Speaker 2: keep bringing him around.
14:46
Speaker 6: Awesome, we'll do cool.
14:48
Speaker 2: And also will you text us a picture of him too,
14:50
Speaker 2: or like the two of you together?
14:52
Speaker 4: Yeah?
14:52
Speaker 6: Absolutely, it's going to be from a rocky horror picture show.
14:55
Speaker 6: So we're going to look all sorts of interesting.
14:58
Speaker 1: Love it perfect, good life.
15:00
Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Age.
15:01
Speaker 6: Thank you so much, both of you. Love your show
15:04
Speaker 6: so much.
15:05
Speaker 1: Thank you.
15:06
Speaker 2: Good luck with the babies.
15:07
Speaker 4: Thank you.
15:08
Speaker 6: Have a great day, you too. I bye.
15:12
Speaker 2: My mom by the way, who was about to be
15:14
Speaker 2: in town. Every time she comes, she's like, do you
15:16
Speaker 2: have any tattoos? No, Mom, I still don't have any tattoos.
15:20
Speaker 2: That's like her greatest fear.
15:21
Speaker 1: For it is that's fun.
15:23
Speaker 4: Nice.
15:24
Speaker 1: Oh my nieces have tattoos. They do have tattoos. I
15:26
Speaker 1: don't have any, but they do.
15:28
Speaker 2: Well, you can still be buried in Jewish cemetery then.
15:30
Speaker 3: Yeah, right, well, yes, I hope they put me on fire, though,
15:33
Speaker 3: set me on fire and tossed me into the ocean.
15:36
Speaker 1: I hope they tossed me into the mouth of an anaconda.
15:39
Speaker 2: That sounds wonderful, actually, well. Our next caller is Christina
15:44
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea. I'm thirty three and my boyfriend is forty six.
15:48
Speaker 2: We both currently live in California. We dated for six months,
15:51
Speaker 2: then he abruptly ended things. I was completely caught off
15:55
Speaker 2: guard and heartbroken, of course. However, two weeks later, my
15:58
Speaker 2: dad and my grandmother died on the same day coincidentally,
16:02
Speaker 2: and my uncle died on my birthday a few months later, so,
16:04
Speaker 2: needless to say, I wasn't that concerned with the breakup.
16:08
Speaker 2: Six months went by and we ended up reconnecting and
16:10
Speaker 2: have since been together almost a year now. His father
16:13
Speaker 2: died a few months ago, and he's dealt with mental
16:15
Speaker 2: health issues on and off and is currently on antidepressants.
16:19
Speaker 2: We truly love each other and spending time together. However,
16:22
Speaker 2: I'm at a place where I want to know what
16:24
Speaker 2: he wants for the future. Anytime I bring that up,
16:27
Speaker 2: he gets uncomfortable and frustrated, and he says he has
16:30
Speaker 2: to figure himself out first. My question is am I
16:34
Speaker 2: wasting my time with him? Should I stick it out
16:36
Speaker 2: and wait for him to figure out what he wants marriage,
16:38
Speaker 2: family or bachelor life, etc. And also is he too
16:42
Speaker 2: old for me? Thanks? Christina?
16:44
Speaker 3: Hi Christina, Hello, Hi telse me, I would say that
16:50
Speaker 3: it sounds.
16:51
Speaker 1: Like you should probably move on. Oh man, Yeah. I
16:55
Speaker 1: don't think that.
16:57
Speaker 3: Neither of these things are issues singular, but I think
17:00
Speaker 3: collectively they become some issue. Like I don't care about
17:04
Speaker 3: the age difference, but somebody at that age who's still
17:06
Speaker 3: not ready to figure out what his life goals are,
17:09
Speaker 3: it doesn't make sense. That's too old, Like you should
17:11
Speaker 3: at least have your feet underneath you enough to say
17:13
Speaker 3: yay or nay, because that can just be him stringing
17:16
Speaker 3: you along until you give him an ultimatum. You know,
17:18
Speaker 3: maybe that's what it is either way, or if it's
17:21
Speaker 3: genuinely he doesn't know either way not hot, those aren't
17:25
Speaker 3: hot qualities and they're not promising and they're not good
17:27
Speaker 3: for you.
17:28
Speaker 1: And then on the.
17:29
Speaker 3: Other side of it, like the breakup that you had
17:32
Speaker 3: and then you getting over it. Obviously you had other
17:34
Speaker 3: things to go, but like that's proof that you got
17:37
Speaker 3: past him once.
17:38
Speaker 1: Like I have no.
17:38
Speaker 3: Problem imagining you getting over him again. Yeah, so that's
17:44
Speaker 3: a positive thing to think about. You don't need three
17:46
Speaker 3: people to die for that to happen either, Like you
17:49
Speaker 3: can get over him, you know it's possible. And I
17:53
Speaker 3: just don't think, especially when you've broken up with someone
17:56
Speaker 3: and you got back together, that there's any room if
17:59
Speaker 3: one of if you wants to be in this for
18:01
Speaker 3: the long haul. There's no room for Like I don't know,
18:05
Speaker 3: you were just in a relationship, you broke up because
18:08
Speaker 3: it didn't work out, and now you're back together. You're
18:10
Speaker 3: not going through that cycle of things again. Either you're
18:13
Speaker 3: back together to stay together, or you're back together and
18:16
Speaker 3: it's whoopsie doodle, it's time to break up again.
18:20
Speaker 4: Yeah. I agree.
18:22
Speaker 2: The year mark feels like I mean, first of all,
18:24
Speaker 2: as Chelsea said, his age, like it does sort of
18:26
Speaker 2: feel like I have forty six. You should kind of
18:28
Speaker 2: know what you want from life enough.
18:30
Speaker 3: To know if you want to be with someone that
18:31
Speaker 3: you that you've been intimate and in a long term relationship.
18:35
Speaker 2: With absolutely and make a future together.
18:37
Speaker 1: What's the wishy washy that's so unattractive?
18:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not like you guys have been together three
18:41
Speaker 2: months and he's not sure if he wants like marriage
18:43
Speaker 2: and kids with you. You've been together on and off
18:46
Speaker 2: for a year and a half.
18:47
Speaker 7: Yeah, And I joke because the only reason that we
18:49
Speaker 7: really got back together this last time, I blame it
18:53
Speaker 7: on my dog because my dog had an emergency one
18:57
Speaker 7: night and he was like the first person that I called,
18:59
Speaker 7: and so he was there right away. But if it
19:02
Speaker 7: really weren't for that, it's kind of like I've put
19:04
Speaker 7: in the effort.
19:05
Speaker 3: And you initiated the get back together then, like that
19:08
Speaker 3: was you. So that's another reason that you should probably
19:13
Speaker 3: move on. This doesn't sound like a him and you
19:17
Speaker 3: relationship of fifty to fifty. It sounds like you making
19:20
Speaker 3: the moves and him like okay or maybe not.
19:23
Speaker 7: I hate to say it, but I'm thirty three and
19:25
Speaker 7: so I kind of want some answers, and you know,
19:27
Speaker 7: it would just make me feel better to know what's
19:29
Speaker 7: going to happen in a way, even though that might
19:32
Speaker 7: not even work out.
19:33
Speaker 3: So yeah, I mean, you could present it in a
19:36
Speaker 3: very direct, upfront way that's like doesn't give a lot
19:38
Speaker 3: of room for figuring it out. Like, hey, buddy, I'm
19:40
Speaker 3: kind of getting the sense that you're not down for
19:42
Speaker 3: what I'm down for. That's totally fine. There's no requirement
19:46
Speaker 3: for you to be with me or for me to
19:47
Speaker 3: be with you. But if you're not ready for that
19:49
Speaker 3: and you can't commit to like a future together, then
19:51
Speaker 3: I'm more interested in finding somebody who will.
19:53
Speaker 1: And you know, no hard feelings.
19:55
Speaker 2: At all, Chelsea, You've given this type of advice before,
20:00
Speaker 2: but that conversation like may include a breakup, maybe not
20:04
Speaker 2: right at that moment in that conversation, but shortly thereafter.
20:07
Speaker 2: And you know, sometimes when you do cap that with
20:10
Speaker 2: a breakup of like, okay, then I do need to
20:12
Speaker 2: move on. Like two weeks later, they're right back, like
20:15
Speaker 2: knock on your door, Like, no, I figured it out.
20:17
Speaker 2: I do want marriage and family and a kid's yeah.
20:19
Speaker 7: That is true, And I kind of have given him
20:21
Speaker 7: a little bit more grease because, like I put in
20:24
Speaker 7: the letter, you know, his dad passed away and so
20:27
Speaker 7: he's been my depressant and that can have obviously a
20:30
Speaker 7: big effect on lot.
20:31
Speaker 3: What everyone's dad passes away. It's not an excuse. It's
20:35
Speaker 3: something to be sensitive about, but it's not the end
20:38
Speaker 3: of the world. Everybody is dealing with that at some
20:40
Speaker 3: point in their lives.
20:41
Speaker 7: Yeah, that's true.
20:43
Speaker 2: How important I mean, obviously you wouldn't be writing in
20:45
Speaker 2: if it wasn't. But what's your trajectory as far as
20:48
Speaker 2: I feel like I want to be getting married and
20:50
Speaker 2: having kids, like sooner rather than later? Is it deal
20:53
Speaker 2: breaker level for you? Where are you at on that?
20:56
Speaker 7: You know, I'm not in a super rushed I want
20:59
Speaker 7: it to be their right situation. Otherwise I don't want
21:01
Speaker 7: to do it at all. But I want to be
21:04
Speaker 7: with someone that at least kind of wants the same
21:07
Speaker 7: things and the future. So he doesn't really think that
21:12
Speaker 7: he knows, and so I'm just like, how long is
21:15
Speaker 7: it going to take for him to figure that out?
21:17
Speaker 2: You know?
21:18
Speaker 7: And then I'm getting older and so I just, you know,
21:21
Speaker 7: would like to have some sort of certainty in a way.
21:24
Speaker 2: I think, Yeah, you sound very confident when you're talking
21:27
Speaker 2: to us about this, and I would encourage you to
21:30
Speaker 2: take that into your conversation with him, like leave the
21:32
Speaker 2: koy stuff behind, Like Chelsea said, be super direct and
21:36
Speaker 2: be like, here's where I'm at. This is what I'm
21:38
Speaker 2: looking for in my five year plan whatever you know,
21:40
Speaker 2: quote unquote, but this is what I'm looking for in
21:42
Speaker 2: the near future. Is that something you want as well?
21:45
Speaker 2: And I know is okay?
21:47
Speaker 1: Yeah?
21:47
Speaker 7: And the reason I brought up the age things because
21:49
Speaker 7: sometimes when I do come at him direct, it's almost
21:53
Speaker 7: like he can kind of talk back to me in
21:56
Speaker 7: a way where he acts like he is older than
21:59
Speaker 7: me and those more what he does. But I'm feeling
22:02
Speaker 7: like that's becoming more of an issue.
22:04
Speaker 2: Well, and you're not twenty three, yeah, you're thirty three.
22:07
Speaker 1: Yeah.
22:08
Speaker 3: And another thing to remember is, you know, when you
22:10
Speaker 3: are breaking up with someone, like to not think about
22:13
Speaker 3: what you're losing, but to think about the adventures that
22:15
Speaker 3: you're about to embark on.
22:17
Speaker 1: Like there's so much coming up for you.
22:19
Speaker 3: When you say goodbye to a situation, it doesn't matter
22:21
Speaker 3: if it's the right decision or the wrong decision. You're
22:24
Speaker 3: like up for new stuff all the time happening. You
22:27
Speaker 3: need to focus on that when you're breaking up instead
22:29
Speaker 3: of women who focus on I'm gonna be alone, I'm
22:32
Speaker 3: gonna be alone, I'm gonna be loon.
22:33
Speaker 1: I'm gonna miss them, I'm gonn miss him.
22:34
Speaker 3: You're gonna be with yourself and you're gonna have a
22:37
Speaker 3: good time, and you're gonna go out with your friends
22:39
Speaker 3: and family and whatever makes you happy. And if you
22:41
Speaker 3: want to stay in bed for three days, you're also
22:43
Speaker 3: gonna be able to do that. But it's not the
22:46
Speaker 3: end of the world for any of us. As we're learning,
22:48
Speaker 3: relationships are an opportunity to do it the right way.
22:51
Speaker 3: When you're leaving someone, do it with style and grace
22:54
Speaker 3: and no anger and be like, all right, party on,
22:58
Speaker 3: you know. And if you guys end up back together, great,
23:00
Speaker 3: and if you don't even better.
23:02
Speaker 7: Yeah, that is true. And it's sometimes hard to make
23:04
Speaker 7: that decision. I mean, like I was thinking about it,
23:07
Speaker 7: is it harder to break up with someone or to
23:09
Speaker 7: be broken up with?
23:11
Speaker 2: Ah?
23:11
Speaker 1: The age old question. I don't know.
23:13
Speaker 3: I think I prefer to be broken up with, yes
23:18
Speaker 3: for that, but I need until I don't until I'm
23:22
Speaker 3: broken up with and then I won't like it at all.
23:25
Speaker 2: When are you gonna have this conversation with him? You think, Well,
23:28
Speaker 2: I did tell.
23:29
Speaker 7: Him that I was going to be talking to you guys,
23:32
Speaker 7: and so he was joking and he said, well great,
23:35
Speaker 7: He's like none, I'm gonna have to say she talked
23:37
Speaker 7: to Chelsea Handler, and now she broke up with me
23:39
Speaker 7: because Chelsea talk.
23:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, that is already a thing. I think that's out there.
23:43
Speaker 3: Man. I can't go anywhere alone with men. I need
23:45
Speaker 3: security at all times. Men hate me so much.
23:49
Speaker 2: Well tell him we actually said, or get off the pot.
23:53
Speaker 1: Just say Chelsea said.
23:54
Speaker 3: This doesn't have to be an angry or a combative conversation.
23:57
Speaker 3: She just thinks we should both be as completely.
23:59
Speaker 1: Honest as possible.
24:01
Speaker 3: And if his honesty is that he really doesn't know,
24:04
Speaker 3: then you have to find somebody who does know.
24:06
Speaker 7: Yeah, And I mean the tough part about it is
24:09
Speaker 7: that's like it's logic versus emotion in a way, so
24:12
Speaker 7: it's hard to differentiate the two of those. You know, logically,
24:16
Speaker 7: this makes sense, but then emotionally it's like we do
24:18
Speaker 7: love each other. So to make that decision is tough
24:21
Speaker 7: because he hasn't really done anything wrong necessarily that I
24:24
Speaker 7: know of.
24:25
Speaker 2: But yeah, well give us an update as soon as
24:28
Speaker 2: you have a conversation with him. And then also like
24:31
Speaker 2: when you kind of figure out what's next for you,
24:33
Speaker 2: or if he decides to man up and wants the
24:36
Speaker 2: same future as you do.
24:37
Speaker 3: And emotions like you're talking about practicality or practical things,
24:41
Speaker 3: And emotions like emotions aren't thought, they are feelings, you know.
24:45
Speaker 3: It's what you do with that feeling that becomes the
24:47
Speaker 3: thought of your emotion. So while you could be missing
24:50
Speaker 3: somebody and grieving them, you can still be excited about
24:53
Speaker 3: the possibilities beyond that relationship.
24:56
Speaker 7: Yeah, that is true. Well, yes, I'll keep you guys posted.
25:00
Speaker 2: And thank you so much.
25:01
Speaker 7: My mom got tickets to your show in October and
25:04
Speaker 7: DC so fun.
25:05
Speaker 1: Okay, cool, I'll see her then. Thanks so much.
25:08
Speaker 2: Christina, thank you guys so much.
25:11
Speaker 4: Ye.
25:12
Speaker 2: I guess she's adorable. She's so sweet. Well, Chelsea, we
25:15
Speaker 2: have our calling in backup segment today and I want
25:19
Speaker 2: to say thanks to our partners at Betterhelp Response.
25:21
Speaker 1: Right, Yes, thank you Better Help.
25:23
Speaker 2: And today we're joined by Courtney Cope. They're a licensed
25:26
Speaker 2: marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at
25:30
Speaker 2: Better Help. Hi Courtney, Hello there, Well, our first question
25:36
Speaker 2: comes from and dear Chelsea. Within the past six months,
25:41
Speaker 2: I've had a resurgence of self care and a new
25:43
Speaker 2: outlook on health and fitness. I've been exercising and eating healthy,
25:47
Speaker 2: and for the first time ever, I'm seeing health and
25:50
Speaker 2: fitness as an act of self love and nourishment rather
25:53
Speaker 2: than trying to change my body or punish myself. My
25:56
Speaker 2: best friend is at a really low point in her life.
25:58
Speaker 2: She previously struggled with sorted eating and exercising and all
26:02
Speaker 2: around is just not in a place in her life
26:04
Speaker 2: where she's ready to get back into it, which I
26:06
Speaker 2: fully respect. Here's the thing. We have a previous history
26:09
Speaker 2: of using each other as excuses to go out and
26:12
Speaker 2: get hammered and not take care of ourselves, and I'm
26:14
Speaker 2: outgrowing that need. My struggle is that I'm very determined
26:18
Speaker 2: and enthusiastic about my newfound love for changing my lifestyle,
26:22
Speaker 2: and whenever I mention wanting to make it to a
26:24
Speaker 2: workout class or not drink so much when we go out,
26:26
Speaker 2: she acts like it's a joke or doesn't take it seriously.
26:29
Speaker 2: I've tried to get her to join my workout classes
26:31
Speaker 2: with me, but she's not at a place where she
26:33
Speaker 2: can afford a gym membership either. Whenever she suggests going
26:37
Speaker 2: somewhere to eat, I want to bring up that, yes,
26:39
Speaker 2: I'd love to, but I'm trying to eat healthier and
26:41
Speaker 2: would rather just eat the food I have at home.
26:43
Speaker 2: But I worry about triggering her ed or making her
26:46
Speaker 2: feel bad about herself when it's really not about her
26:48
Speaker 2: at all. How can I make it clear that this
26:51
Speaker 2: isn't just a phase, this is just something I'm really
26:53
Speaker 2: trying to accomplish and I'm loving. How can I get
26:55
Speaker 2: her to take me seriously and see that this is
26:58
Speaker 2: self love without triggering her and making her feel bad
27:01
Speaker 2: for where she's at in life? Is it possible? Am
27:03
Speaker 2: I in the wrong? Thanks so much for all you do.
27:06
Speaker 5: And this is such a layered question. And the thing
27:09
Speaker 5: that came to mind was the concept of seasonality in
27:13
Speaker 5: friendships and how sometimes there are seasons where we're in
27:16
Speaker 5: step and we're doing all the same things. We're going
27:18
Speaker 5: to the same place, as we're listening to the same music,
27:20
Speaker 5: we have the same hobbies. And then there are seasons
27:23
Speaker 5: where we begin to kind of diversify our interests, or
27:27
Speaker 5: it changes, our circumstance changes, maybe we move away, maybe
27:30
Speaker 5: we get a different job, all these kinds of things.
27:32
Speaker 5: So what I'm hearing is that she's entering into a
27:36
Speaker 5: slightly different season potentially than her friend. And I just
27:40
Speaker 5: want to first of all, reassure the listener above all,
27:43
Speaker 5: this type of experience is totally common and super normal
27:47
Speaker 5: for friendships.
27:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I also think there's a way to sort
27:50
Speaker 2: of get the train on your tracks. So, you know,
27:54
Speaker 2: if you don't want to go out and you do
27:55
Speaker 2: want to eat the food you have at home, invite
27:57
Speaker 2: her over, you know, invite her over for whatever healthy
27:59
Speaker 2: things you want to make and whatever healthy drink you
28:02
Speaker 2: want to drink if you're drinking. But there's also ways
28:04
Speaker 2: to find a restaurant that has really healthy options.
28:07
Speaker 3: And also just try not to shove it down her
28:09
Speaker 3: throat so much like you're making it seems like you're
28:12
Speaker 3: making a lot of proclamations about what you're doing. Is
28:15
Speaker 3: sometimes it's more impactful to make the changes without advertising them.
28:19
Speaker 2: I think that's a very good point.
28:21
Speaker 5: Right, like, let your actions speak for yourself, because I
28:24
Speaker 5: did hear you know, the question was what do I
28:27
Speaker 5: do so that she doesn't, you know, feel bad or
28:30
Speaker 5: she might question and it's like, well, if you're just
28:32
Speaker 5: doing it right, no, if sands orbut's about it it's
28:35
Speaker 5: really hard for people to make comments about it or
28:38
Speaker 5: you know, be upset that you're doing It's like, you're
28:40
Speaker 5: just out there doing it.
28:41
Speaker 2: Chelsea, what do you think about? You know? She mentions
28:44
Speaker 2: that the friend acts like it's a joke or sort
28:46
Speaker 2: of blows it off. That to me feels like a
28:48
Speaker 2: little bit of an insecurity thing.
28:50
Speaker 3: Well, it just feels like another reason to stop making proclamations.
28:54
Speaker 3: She's not taking you seriously. You can't make someone take
28:56
Speaker 3: you seriously by repeating what they're not taking you seriously about.
29:00
Speaker 1: So keep it to yourself. I know you want it
29:02
Speaker 1: to be a long term thing.
29:03
Speaker 3: It's like when you announce that you're quitting smoking and
29:06
Speaker 3: then you don't quit. You know, it's like the dynamic
29:09
Speaker 3: if you don't stick to this. Of course you want
29:11
Speaker 3: to stick to this, you want to make lifestyle changes,
29:13
Speaker 3: but give it a year and when those changes are permanent,
29:15
Speaker 3: then you could start espousing your you know what happened
29:18
Speaker 3: and everything. But it's easy to not take someone seriously
29:21
Speaker 3: when they're into something new. So I wouldn't even put
29:23
Speaker 3: that on her friend so much. I would just like,
29:24
Speaker 3: unless it's mean or whatever, she's not in that situation.
29:27
Speaker 3: So of course she doesn't want you drinking less and dieting.
29:30
Speaker 3: That's not fun for her. So I wouldn't put too
29:33
Speaker 3: much weight on it. I would just say do your thing,
29:36
Speaker 3: and if she could come along with you for some
29:38
Speaker 3: of that, great, And you know, if you take some
29:40
Speaker 3: time apart during this time, that's also fun.
29:43
Speaker 4: Right.
29:43
Speaker 5: That's a total typical part of adult relationships. And even
29:47
Speaker 5: just if you want to be compassionate towards your friend
29:49
Speaker 5: and not even bring some of these things into the mix,
29:52
Speaker 5: just plan things like events that are not food related,
29:55
Speaker 5: so going to a museum, go to the movies, go
29:58
Speaker 5: roller skating, or go on a but like bring your
30:01
Speaker 5: own food and instead of like, oh, we'll go out
30:03
Speaker 5: and we'll find a place, like focusing on things that
30:05
Speaker 5: will allow you to have parallel play, enjoy the activity
30:09
Speaker 5: you're doing without making it about going out, drinking alcohol,
30:13
Speaker 5: indulging in whatever foods like that will allow you to
30:16
Speaker 5: kindle that friendship and keep it intimate.
30:19
Speaker 2: Because that's the other thing I hear is there is.
30:21
Speaker 5: An aspect of worrying of losing this friendship or them
30:25
Speaker 5: becoming more distant because they used to go out and
30:27
Speaker 5: use each other. She says, we use each other for
30:29
Speaker 5: excuses to like make unhealthy habits and go out drinking.
30:32
Speaker 5: So if you just transition your friendship to we find
30:36
Speaker 5: meaning doing these other things, now, that allows it to
30:39
Speaker 5: be more of an easeful transition.
30:41
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I like that suggestion because it's not like, hey,
30:44
Speaker 2: why don't we go for a hike. It's like let's
30:46
Speaker 2: go to a museum, which is like still active, but
30:48
Speaker 2: it's not like, hey, we're going to go for a run,
30:49
Speaker 2: or we're going to go to a spin class or whatever.
30:52
Speaker 2: I feel like usually the advice is to sort of
30:55
Speaker 2: be really honest and open and confront the person, but
30:59
Speaker 2: in this case that's not necessary and in fact, like
31:01
Speaker 2: taking it a notch back.
31:03
Speaker 5: I would say the only caveat to potentially having a
31:07
Speaker 5: conversation with your friend is, you know, she does mention
31:10
Speaker 5: triggering her friend's disordered eating, and so if that is
31:13
Speaker 5: a true concern and she wants to make sure she
31:17
Speaker 5: doesn't put her friend in an awkward position in the moment,
31:21
Speaker 5: she could ahead of time just say something casual like hey,
31:25
Speaker 5: you know, before they're together, text her give her a
31:27
Speaker 5: calicy like hey, is now a time for me to
31:29
Speaker 5: talk about something important. Great, So I just want to
31:33
Speaker 5: let you know that I am making some changes in
31:36
Speaker 5: my life, and I just want to make sure that
31:38
Speaker 5: these changes because I know we've bonded in the past
31:41
Speaker 5: over going out drinking and you know, maybe making some
31:44
Speaker 5: choices that we were like, oh, that wasn't the healthiest
31:46
Speaker 5: choice for us. I'm just going to be making different choices,
31:48
Speaker 5: and I just want to give you a heads up
31:50
Speaker 5: because I wouldn't want that to impact our friendship, and
31:53
Speaker 5: I want to make sure we're finding fun things to
31:55
Speaker 5: do moving forward. That would be my caveat if she
31:58
Speaker 5: genuinely is concerned about figuring her friend, But otherwise, I
32:02
Speaker 5: think it's totally fine to just live your life exactly
32:05
Speaker 5: what Chelsea was saying, like, live your life, go out,
32:08
Speaker 5: be about it, don't talk about it, and then if
32:12
Speaker 5: conflict arises down the road or her friend's like, how
32:14
Speaker 5: come you're not going out with me anymore? Or how
32:16
Speaker 5: come you know you keep turning me down, then you
32:19
Speaker 5: can have a conversation about it, because then that's really
32:21
Speaker 5: about the connection of the friendship versus the actual food
32:25
Speaker 5: or drinks that they're consuming.
32:27
Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, and thank you for writing in and
32:31
Speaker 2: of course thank you to our calling him back up
32:32
Speaker 2: sponsor Better Help, and to Courtney Cope, who is a
32:36
Speaker 2: licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager
32:40
Speaker 2: at Betterhelp.
32:42
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thanks Cortney. Bye bye bye.
32:45
Speaker 2: Let's take a quick break and we'll be back with
32:47
Speaker 2: some matchmaking.
32:49
Speaker 1: Can you please not saying matchmaking? Can you please not?
32:54
Speaker 3: We'll be right back. We're back with matchmaking. That's how
33:02
Speaker 3: we're saying it, matchmaking. Every time you saying matchmaking, two
33:06
Speaker 3: three hard boiled eggs fly out of your mouth.
33:12
Speaker 2: Well, Chelsea, we're here with our first matchmaking folks candidate.
33:18
Speaker 1: So he wants to be hooked up this guy?
33:21
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, And you know, we had talked about doing
33:23
Speaker 2: an episode about this, but I thought we could potentially
33:26
Speaker 2: make this a recurring segment so we can match make
33:29
Speaker 2: more people. I mean, I'm over here just like dreaming
33:33
Speaker 2: of all the love that's going to happen, and like
33:34
Speaker 2: hoping for dear Chelsea babies and all of these things.
33:37
Speaker 2: So I'm way down in the future. I'm picking out
33:40
Speaker 2: curtains for everybody.
33:41
Speaker 8: Also, that might be tough with all the game and
33:42
Speaker 8: you're going to connect they can adapt.
33:46
Speaker 3: By the way, in speaking of matchmaking, there's a bunch
33:48
Speaker 3: of child Free and Crushing Its shirts available on our website.
33:51
Speaker 3: In addition to Dear Chelsea Merch, we designed a child
33:54
Speaker 3: Free and Crushing Its shirt which has been our biggest
33:56
Speaker 3: tour seller.
33:57
Speaker 1: So I'm sure some of the callers would like that.
33:59
Speaker 2: That's amazing. I love that, Chelseahandler dot com. Well, our
34:03
Speaker 2: first person to match is Patrick, and I thought how
34:07
Speaker 2: we'd go about this is we are going to at
34:10
Speaker 2: the end of this give people his Instagram so people
34:14
Speaker 2: can slide right into his DMS. If Patrick sounds like
34:18
Speaker 2: someone you might be interested in. Patrick. By the way,
34:21
Speaker 2: when I first chatted with him, he was at his
34:24
Speaker 2: ex's house walking his ex'es jog and he said, I
34:28
Speaker 2: know you just had an episode saying don't do that anymore?
34:31
Speaker 1: Is it?
34:31
Speaker 2: It depends on the situation, but it seems like it
34:35
Speaker 2: was a positive, so he says. I recently wrote in
34:39
Speaker 2: an email to say every time I felt like I
34:41
Speaker 2: needed to write in, I've listened to your podcast and
34:43
Speaker 2: found my answer to highly specific situations from wanting to
34:47
Speaker 2: fire an assistant to ending a friendship over chewing should
34:51
Speaker 2: I buy a car, or if I should buy land
34:53
Speaker 2: or make a career move. Your podcast has steered me
34:55
Speaker 2: in the best direction. Nowadays. Everything in my life is
34:59
Speaker 2: going pretty fucking swimmingly. I'm a successful visual artist, not
35:03
Speaker 2: the starving kind, an uncle, a great friend, fucking funny,
35:06
Speaker 2: and I'm a sweet ass dog dad. But the right
35:09
Speaker 2: guy just hasn't come along. I've got my shit together
35:11
Speaker 2: therapy wise, and I'm definitely of the same mindset as
35:15
Speaker 2: you when you say when you're healthy, you'll attract healthy.
35:18
Speaker 2: I'm on the apps, I've gone on dates, and it's
35:20
Speaker 2: been a healthy amount of time since I've had a relationship.
35:23
Speaker 2: But I think the universe was waiting for our paths
35:24
Speaker 2: to align so that Chelsea can just say, oh fuck,
35:27
Speaker 2: let's set this bitch up with someone. Perfect problem solved. PS.
35:31
Speaker 2: I'm thirty four, gay, af and first nation which is
35:34
Speaker 2: Native American to you, XO Patrick, and Patrick is going
35:38
Speaker 2: to be joining us. Hi.
35:41
Speaker 1: How are you? Hi?
35:42
Speaker 4: I'm so good. I'm just going to put this on
35:44
Speaker 4: to not disturb.
35:45
Speaker 1: Good luck getting it off of that. So what kind
35:48
Speaker 1: of guy are you looking for? Patrick?
35:50
Speaker 3: What interests you are you open? Do you have a
35:52
Speaker 3: very specific expectations.
35:55
Speaker 8: Tell us I'm quite broad and tall, so I think
35:58
Speaker 8: someone like a little bit more broad and tall like myself.
36:01
Speaker 8: I am half Native American and I can't grow a beard,
36:05
Speaker 8: so someone that has a beard, you know, chest hair
36:09
Speaker 8: two would be sick.
36:13
Speaker 1: Are you a top or a bottom? Does that matter?
36:15
Speaker 4: I'm like a little bit both.
36:17
Speaker 1: Oh, yourse your worse. Yeah, I wanted to use that
36:19
Speaker 1: in a sentence for a while. You're welcome, Thank you Patrick.
36:24
Speaker 2: I know I've told Chelsea that you were walking your
36:26
Speaker 2: excess dog when we met.
36:27
Speaker 4: Yeah.
36:28
Speaker 3: What's your relationship history? How many relationships have you had
36:31
Speaker 3: and how for how long?
36:32
Speaker 8: Well, I'm thirty four, i am going to be thirty
36:36
Speaker 8: five this year, and I've had maybe like five relationships
36:39
Speaker 8: since I was like twenty, you know, one for like
36:43
Speaker 8: a couple of years, one for a year, one for
36:45
Speaker 8: like six months.
36:47
Speaker 1: And then like one night stands and fine in between.
36:50
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah for sure.
36:51
Speaker 1: And have you ever had a really really bad breakup?
36:55
Speaker 4: Yeah? It was. Yeah.
36:57
Speaker 8: I think like the first ones when you're really young,
36:59
Speaker 8: you kind of I don't really know how to react,
37:01
Speaker 8: and especially being a gay person that came out at twenty,
37:05
Speaker 8: like straight people always have years ahead of us in
37:08
Speaker 8: terms of like being able to date people for like
37:11
Speaker 8: since they were you know, kind of kids.
37:13
Speaker 4: So I just didn't have the right kind of foundation
37:17
Speaker 4: to deal with it. But that was like twelve years ago.
37:19
Speaker 4: I'm good.
37:20
Speaker 2: Now, Yeah that's good.
37:21
Speaker 3: And have you been to therapy? Are you do you
37:23
Speaker 3: go to therapy? Are you into any of that?
37:25
Speaker 4: Yeah? Totally.
37:26
Speaker 8: The last one, I was like, okay, so I have
37:29
Speaker 8: a pattern of just breaking up with dudes and just
37:31
Speaker 8: kind of ghosting or it's kind of like a mutual ghosting.
37:34
Speaker 8: And I was like, you know what, these are all
37:35
Speaker 8: great people like I kind of I don't want to
37:38
Speaker 8: kind of continue this pattern. So I went to therapy
37:40
Speaker 8: and my ex and I are friends, like in a
37:43
Speaker 8: positive way, I would say, So that's why I was
37:45
Speaker 8: babysitting with dogs, and my dog and his dog are dating,
37:50
Speaker 8: so like, you know, we have to stay in touch.
37:52
Speaker 3: And are you do you would you say you have
37:54
Speaker 3: a strong personality, like mild personality?
37:57
Speaker 1: How would you describe yourself?
37:59
Speaker 8: I would say I have been told him quite even Keel,
38:02
Speaker 8: I used.
38:03
Speaker 4: To go out a lot.
38:03
Speaker 8: I kind of like, I live in Toronto, Canada, but
38:06
Speaker 8: I'm building a house up north, like seven hours away,
38:09
Speaker 8: kind of on the lake. So I do like coming
38:11
Speaker 8: back to the city for you know, some excitement, but
38:13
Speaker 8: then it's fucking nice to leave too.
38:15
Speaker 3: Okay, so let's say three words to describe yourself. What
38:18
Speaker 3: would you say?
38:19
Speaker 8: Okay, fun, adventurous and solid, amazing, and because this is
38:25
Speaker 8: an audio medium, just to describe him.
38:27
Speaker 2: He's got a full head of hair, nice dark hair,
38:30
Speaker 2: he's beefy, he's sexy. He's got a cute tank on
38:33
Speaker 2: that I think he designed, right Patrick, I.
38:35
Speaker 4: Did for a Pride a couple of years ago. Yeah. That.
38:38
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would have sex with you if you were straight.
38:41
Speaker 1: So there you go. I think it is human of
38:43
Speaker 1: sex with you. Of the endorsement we're looking for, and
38:47
Speaker 1: he has a great laugh.
38:50
Speaker 2: But we should also say your location and also you
38:52
Speaker 2: have a vacation home that sounds like which is great.
38:55
Speaker 1: Which is a great way to get people in. That's
38:58
Speaker 1: a great lure.
39:00
Speaker 4: I'm building. It's it's coming along. Yeah.
39:04
Speaker 8: I'm an artist and graphic designer and I have had
39:07
Speaker 8: my own business the last eight nine years and it's
39:09
Speaker 8: kind of mind blowing to myself even that I'm like
39:12
Speaker 8: able to build a house but that's so cool.
39:15
Speaker 4: Here we go.
39:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you are Toronto ish.
39:20
Speaker 8: Yeah, Toronto is It's where my clothes are. But I'm,
39:23
Speaker 8: like I said, I'm kind of up north a lot
39:25
Speaker 8: just to get out of the city, especially in the summer.
39:27
Speaker 4: It's fucking hot ast shit here. I didn't have time
39:30
Speaker 4: to go get my.
39:30
Speaker 8: Ac before I got back here, so I'm like a
39:32
Speaker 8: little bit damp at the moment.
39:35
Speaker 2: But thank you for not saying it's moist. I truly
39:39
Speaker 2: appreciate it. But now I've said it so gross.
39:42
Speaker 4: Word.
39:44
Speaker 2: Well, I have three little dating game questions.
39:47
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, okay, look, okay.
39:50
Speaker 2: Just maybe we add some little game show music under
39:53
Speaker 2: this baby if we want to get wild. Okay, So
39:56
Speaker 2: our first question is our weekend plans have just gotten
40:00
Speaker 2: rained out. What are we doing instead?
40:04
Speaker 4: We are watching movies and cookies?
40:08
Speaker 3: Fucking fucking I'm sorry I had to answer that because
40:11
Speaker 3: that's my answer.
40:12
Speaker 1: We're fucking pasta first.
40:14
Speaker 4: And then and then the fucking Yeah, we need some energy.
40:16
Speaker 1: That's fun fucking in the rain.
40:18
Speaker 4: Yeah, pasta from scratch, it's so much better.
40:20
Speaker 2: Yes, all right, if you found a fifty dollars bill
40:24
Speaker 2: on the ground in a busy area. Would you keep
40:26
Speaker 2: it or try to find the owner.
40:28
Speaker 4: I wouldn't try hard to find the owner, but if.
40:31
Speaker 1: You're that's exactly what I would say.
40:35
Speaker 3: I'd look around and then I'd be like, yeah, exactly,
40:38
Speaker 3: give it to someone else or not think about it often.
40:41
Speaker 2: Yes, well he's honest, fellas.
40:43
Speaker 4: That's what you get from is it American? An American
40:45
Speaker 4: fifty or Canadians?
40:47
Speaker 2: A water main broke and you got to leave work
40:50
Speaker 2: three hours early, which sort of doesn't apply since you
40:52
Speaker 2: work for yourself. But imagine what do you do with
40:55
Speaker 2: your newly free time.
40:57
Speaker 4: We're taking the dog's dog only have one.
41:00
Speaker 8: We're taking the dog to the lake and hopefully there's
41:02
Speaker 8: a beach involved, and we're going to bring snacks and
41:04
Speaker 8: some Baga.
41:05
Speaker 1: Sodas and yeah, don't forget your edibles.
41:08
Speaker 4: I will bring some just in case someone needs them.
41:11
Speaker 1: I should be an adult camp counselor as well. I should.
41:15
Speaker 3: Yeah, it has to be legal adult activity, so it
41:18
Speaker 3: has to be with adults, maybe remedial adults, is.
41:21
Speaker 4: What I were side hustle. I can see it.
41:23
Speaker 2: Yeah, I like it awesome. Well Patrick, if you want
41:27
Speaker 2: to just read out your Instagram handle it.
41:29
Speaker 8: Sure, Patrick, Hunter Underscore Art is the insta where you
41:32
Speaker 8: can find me and keep pictures of my dog and
41:36
Speaker 8: all the artwork mostly pictures of my dog, but there
41:39
Speaker 8: is some artwork on there.
41:40
Speaker 2: Great and I will put that in the show notes
41:42
Speaker 2: as well, so fellows can just click and check you
41:45
Speaker 2: out and slide into the dams.
41:47
Speaker 4: All right, I can't wait.
41:49
Speaker 1: Okay, I can't wait either.
41:52
Speaker 4: All Right, I'll let you know how it goes.
41:54
Speaker 1: Okay by Patrick, Thank you, Patrick, over, and now we're
41:58
Speaker 1: going to take a quick break. I will be right back.
42:05
Speaker 2: Well, we had some new and interesting things today, Chelsea,
42:08
Speaker 2: remind me what they were. We had some matchmaking. Yes,
42:11
Speaker 2: we had a couple of cotchmaking.
42:13
Speaker 1: This is where things are gonna really hit the fan.
42:16
Speaker 1: I think things in a good way.
42:17
Speaker 3: I think there is going to be a lot of
42:19
Speaker 3: matchmaking happening on this podcast, and now we're using and
42:22
Speaker 3: especially to the people that we want to be happy exactly.
42:25
Speaker 2: We have so many amazing people writing in and I'm
42:28
Speaker 2: really excited to feature some more matchmakings.
42:31
Speaker 3: You know, there's a great match would be a straight
42:34
Speaker 3: woman comes on here and a straight man and they
42:37
Speaker 3: end up being soul Bates. He's listening to Jaior Chelsea
42:41
Speaker 3: and he comes and meets this woman talk about a
42:43
Speaker 3: self actual life that would be like the most together
42:47
Speaker 3: guy that I know.
42:47
Speaker 2: That is true.
42:48
Speaker 1: He's the most with it.
42:50
Speaker 2: And honestly, if he's single and he's listening to this podcast,
42:53
Speaker 2: he has the pick of the litter because there's so
42:56
Speaker 2: many straight women who listened to this podcast. Thanks so much,
42:59
Speaker 2: this has been so much fun.
43:00
Speaker 3: Okay, we'll see you guys next week. My Okay, guys,
43:03
Speaker 3: we have added more shows to my Little Big Bitch tour.
43:07
Speaker 3: I added another second show in Toronto, so I have
43:09
Speaker 3: two shows in Toronto now the December seventh, December eighth,
43:12
Speaker 3: December ninth, I'm in Ottawa, and two new shows at
43:16
Speaker 3: December fifteenth, on a Friday, We're doing a seven thirty
43:19
Speaker 3: and ten pm show with Kevin Hart and Friends that's
43:22
Speaker 3: in Thackerville, Oklahoma. And all my other shows you can
43:27
Speaker 3: buy tickets for at Chelseahandler dot com. I'm starting my
43:29
Speaker 3: tour backup on September twenty ninth in New York City
43:34
Speaker 3: at The Beacon, which is sold out, but the next
43:36
Speaker 3: night there are tickets available. September thirtieth at the Beacon,
43:39
Speaker 3: So for all fall dates, you can go to Chelsea
43:41
Speaker 3: handler dot com.
43:41
Speaker 1: For tickets, you'll see me.
43:43
Speaker 2: Courtney Cope's input is general psychological information based on research
43:48
Speaker 2: and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational
43:52
Speaker 2: in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established
43:55
Speaker 2: clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Courtney's
43:59
Speaker 2: feedback is in respect to a written question, and therefore
44:02
Speaker 2: there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also,
44:06
Speaker 2: just because you might hear something on the show that
44:08
Speaker 2: sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis.
44:12
Speaker 2: Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want
44:15
Speaker 2: to find a qualified professional to assess and explore diagnoses
44:18
Speaker 2: if that's important to you. If you or your partner
44:21
Speaker 2: are in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,
44:25
Speaker 2: reach out for support like crisis hotlines and local authorities
44:28
Speaker 2: have a safety plan that can be done with a
44:30
Speaker 2: therapist too. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us
44:33
Speaker 2: an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com
44:37
Speaker 2: and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea
44:39
Speaker 2: is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law,
44:44
Speaker 2: and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
44:46
Speaker 2: dot com