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#1767 Interpersonal Neurobiology - Harps · The You Project

0:00
Speaker 1: Oh, I get a team. I hope you will. It's
0:02
Speaker 1: been a while since I've done a freestyle solo little extravagance.
0:06
Speaker 1: So here we are. This is coming off the back
0:09
Speaker 1: of a chat I had earlier today with somebody about
0:15
Speaker 1: the impact that relationships have on us, good and bad,
0:21
Speaker 1: and the people that we have in our life. And
0:26
Speaker 1: without giving away too much, we're talking about a few
0:28
Speaker 1: people that are in this person's life, one in particular,
0:31
Speaker 1: who I can say, because you don't know who they are,
0:35
Speaker 1: I can say this person is quite toxic if what
0:38
Speaker 1: I was told is accurate, which I believe it is,
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Speaker 1: and the impact that this particular person is having on
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Speaker 1: my client or the person I was chatting with, psychological, emotional, physical,
0:52
Speaker 1: and this person is really not only in a kind
0:57
Speaker 1: of almost a metaphoric sense, but in a literal sense,
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Speaker 1: quite toxic to this person's my client's mental, emotional, and
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Speaker 1: physical health that's really having an impact on them anyway.
1:10
Speaker 1: So we started to chat about, you know, the people
1:14
Speaker 1: that we have in our world, the people that we
1:16
Speaker 1: let into our heart and into our mind and into
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Speaker 1: our life and into our inner circle, and how sometimes
1:23
Speaker 1: we do that really unconsciously, and we all do that
1:28
Speaker 1: unconsciously to a point. But then there's a time when
1:33
Speaker 1: I think we can open this kind of social awareness
1:36
Speaker 1: door where we start to consider, you know, who we
1:41
Speaker 1: want to have in that kind of a mental and
1:46
Speaker 1: emotional and social kind of inner sanctum. Who are the
1:50
Speaker 1: people that I want near me? Who are the people
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Speaker 1: that I want to allow into my head and heart
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Speaker 1: because I know the people that I let in have
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Speaker 1: an impact on me for better or worse. You know,
2:01
Speaker 1: there's that not very accurate or scientific saying that we
2:04
Speaker 1: are the average of the five people we spend the
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Speaker 1: most time with. I forget the origin story of that,
2:10
Speaker 1: but there's definitely something in that. I don't know whether
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Speaker 1: the number five came up from a not four or
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Speaker 1: six or ten or twenty or three, but anyway, but nonetheless,
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Speaker 1: there is this kind of social osmosis. There is this
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Speaker 1: mental and emotional consequence for better or worse, and physical
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Speaker 1: consequence sometimes that comes from who we spend time with.
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Speaker 1: And we see that in the workplace, where you know,
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Speaker 1: there are toxic cultures, there are toxic relationships, there are
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Speaker 1: toxic individuals, and conversely, there are places that are great
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Speaker 1: to be in. There are cultures that are uplifting and
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Speaker 1: rewarding and positive. And there are humans that literally can
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Speaker 1: change our biochemistry for the better. There are people that
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Speaker 1: there are people that you can be around. This sounds weird,
3:03
Speaker 1: but this is actually really true. There are people that
3:06
Speaker 1: you can be around that are literally good for your
3:10
Speaker 1: physical health. There are people that you can be around
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Speaker 1: that make your over time, make your immune system stronger,
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Speaker 1: that change what's happening in your brain chemistry that's changed,
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Speaker 1: what that change what's happening with your nervous system, that
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Speaker 1: can put you in a parasympathetic not an elevated sympathetic state,
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Speaker 1: that can put you in that calm kind of relaxed
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Speaker 1: and safe kind of space, depending on who that person
3:40
Speaker 1: is in the relationship you have with that person. And
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Speaker 1: we also know that there are people that sometimes even
3:46
Speaker 1: when you know there may be a personal couple of
3:50
Speaker 1: people in your life that even when you hear their
3:53
Speaker 1: name or you think of that person, it has an
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Speaker 1: adverse consequence or a negative impact on everything from how
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Speaker 1: you're feeling in the moment to your ability to focus
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Speaker 1: and concentrate, your nervous system and the crime system, cardiovascular
4:11
Speaker 1: respiratory system, just hearing someone's name, or thinking that a
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Speaker 1: particular person might be in proximity to you, or having
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Speaker 1: a conversation about a person a particular person, or somebody
4:25
Speaker 1: quizzing you on that person can create all kind of
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Speaker 1: negative outcomes. So we know that the people that we
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Speaker 1: spend time with, the people that we hang out with,
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Speaker 1: the people that we allow into that let's just call
4:39
Speaker 1: it that kind of in a sanctum, that personal, in
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Speaker 1: a sanctum where we invite people in. We want people
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Speaker 1: into that part of our heart and our head and
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Speaker 1: our life. We know that, for better or worse, that
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Speaker 1: can have a real significant impact. And with this in mind,
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Speaker 1: over the last you know, forty years, I've really been
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Speaker 1: conscious of this because I've been around amazing people. I've
5:06
Speaker 1: been around people that have not been so amazing, people
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Speaker 1: that have really supported me and I've supported them, and
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Speaker 1: people that who have been for the most part, are
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Speaker 1: positive in my life. And then there have been people
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Speaker 1: that I had a reasonable relationship with and this is
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Speaker 1: no bloody mystery here, this is not a revelation, and
5:27
Speaker 1: then for whatever reason, that ended, And there's also been
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Speaker 1: as there are with all of you. I'm sure people
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Speaker 1: that I really loved and trusted and gave access to me.
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Speaker 1: That proved to be unreliable, that proved to be dishonest,
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Speaker 1: that proved to be a whole lot of things that
5:51
Speaker 1: I didn't initially think they were. Now, having said all
5:54
Speaker 1: of that, I need to I need to open the
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Speaker 1: self awareness door. And I need to also, as we
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Speaker 1: all do with all of this stuff, acknowledge that I
6:04
Speaker 1: am not always a treasure or a pleasure to be around.
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Speaker 1: I am flawed. I am a constant work in progress.
6:14
Speaker 1: I don't think I always bring up the tone of
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Speaker 1: the room. I don't think that that one hundred percent
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Speaker 1: of the time or probably eighty or ninety percent of
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Speaker 1: the time, that I'm making whoever i'm with that I'm
6:27
Speaker 1: making their experience better. I try to. I try to
6:31
Speaker 1: be the kind of person that is good to be around.
6:34
Speaker 1: I do my very best, but I have to acknowledge
6:36
Speaker 1: because I'm a human and flawed, I have to acknowledge
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Speaker 1: that I'm not always that. So back to who you
6:42
Speaker 1: and I choose to spend time with. I probably have
6:48
Speaker 1: and this will surprise some people. I probably have about
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Speaker 1: six to ten people. You can tell I haven't planned
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Speaker 1: this or written anything. Down right, I'm thinking out loud
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Speaker 1: as I always do. But I probably have about six
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Speaker 1: to ten people in my world that I truly, unequivocally,
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Speaker 1: one hundred percent trust, that I have zero doubt that
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Speaker 1: they are who I think they are, and that they
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Speaker 1: love me and care about me or for me, and
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Speaker 1: that they are trustworthy. Now that's not to say I
7:29
Speaker 1: think everyone else is not trustworthy. I do know a
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Speaker 1: lot of people, or that I would never rely on
7:36
Speaker 1: anyone but my small It's not to say that. It's
7:40
Speaker 1: just to say that the practical reality of being a
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Speaker 1: human is that you will be around humans that you
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Speaker 1: do trust, that you do care about, that you do like,
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Speaker 1: that you do even love, who will do shit to
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Speaker 1: you that you just don't enjoy, shit to you that
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Speaker 1: you don't see coming, and maybe not even anything so terrible,
8:02
Speaker 1: but you just know that being with this person, hanging
8:07
Speaker 1: around this person, it's just not good for me. And
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Speaker 1: it might not be that they're terrible and you're fucking amazing.
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Speaker 1: It might just be that you and them together it's
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Speaker 1: not a great formula, A little bit like social oil
8:20
Speaker 1: and water. It doesn't really work, it doesn't mix. So
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Speaker 1: I'm always thinking about I'm not always that's an exaggeration.
8:28
Speaker 1: I have thought often over the years about who I
8:32
Speaker 1: let in, who I let into that space, that inner space,
8:35
Speaker 1: that inner sanctum. Because I spend a lot of time
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Speaker 1: with a lot of people, I have a lot of conversations.
8:42
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people, like I know a
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Speaker 1: lot of people, and I am friendly to a lot
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Speaker 1: of people, and they are friendly to me. But the
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Speaker 1: people that I would call close friends are not many.
8:54
Speaker 1: And that's not an insult to anyone. That's just how
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Speaker 1: I work. And it might be surprising for me to
9:02
Speaker 1: say to you, or for you to hear me say
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Speaker 1: that I don't. I don't. I don't trust a lot
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Speaker 1: of people. And that doesn't mean I automatically think, like
9:17
Speaker 1: I said before, that they're going to do something bad,
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Speaker 1: or they're going to let me down, or they're going
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Speaker 1: to be It's just that for me, it takes and
9:24
Speaker 1: I used to be more trustworthy. I will say that,
9:27
Speaker 1: and you know, and I'm also at the same time,
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Speaker 1: I'm not bitter or resentful, and I don't wish anyone
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Speaker 1: who's hurt me or harmed me. I don't wish anything
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Speaker 1: bad and upon them at all. In fact, if you
9:39
Speaker 1: could get everyone in the room, everyone in the room
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Speaker 1: who's ever lied to me or stolen from me financially,
9:46
Speaker 1: and there are plenty, or let me down or you know,
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Speaker 1: sabotage me, or all of those things that happened to
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Speaker 1: all of us. If I could get all of those
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Speaker 1: people in a room and I could magically make their
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Speaker 1: life better or worse, I would absolutely, unequivocally choose to
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Speaker 1: make their life better. I could go into that more deeply,
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Speaker 1: but that's how I feel. I don't I personally don't
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Speaker 1: want to. I don't want to open the negative emotional door.
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Speaker 1: I don't want to, and I don't resent people. I
10:22
Speaker 1: don't hate anyone in the world. I hate some things
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Speaker 1: that people do, I hate some behaviors, I hate some
10:31
Speaker 1: toxic attitudes, I hate some of the things that happen,
10:36
Speaker 1: but I don't hate people. So but at the same time,
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Speaker 1: I have to acknowledge that who is around me, especially
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Speaker 1: people for whom I have opened the aforementioned door, they
10:50
Speaker 1: really have an impact on me, or they can have
10:52
Speaker 1: an impact on me. So I am conscious of who
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Speaker 1: I pay attention to, who who I listen to, and
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Speaker 1: who I hang out with. And that might be physically
11:05
Speaker 1: hang out like in a three dimensional space, you know,
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Speaker 1: hanging out with somebody spending time together, or it might
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Speaker 1: even be I just thought of this now as I'm
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Speaker 1: going When you're thinking about who you hang out with,
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Speaker 1: who might be good for you to hang out with,
11:22
Speaker 1: it might be via a podcast. By the way, I'm
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Speaker 1: not suggesting I am someone you should hang out with. This.
11:29
Speaker 1: It wasn't some long winded fucking hawk, right, But there
11:34
Speaker 1: will be people that maybe you never actually meet in
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Speaker 1: real life, but nonetheless you can tap into their knowledge
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Speaker 1: or their energy or whatever it is they bring to
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Speaker 1: the world and hanging out with that person. We use
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Speaker 1: this in inverted commas, hanging out that might be a
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Speaker 1: positive in your life. I mean, there are people that
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Speaker 1: I hang out with in the virtual world, people that
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Speaker 1: I've listened to, books that I've read. And this is
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Speaker 1: a slightly slight departure from what I was talking about
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Speaker 1: a minute ago, But at the same time, I still
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Speaker 1: think that there are people that we can hang out
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Speaker 1: with is in this kind of virtual capacity, which also
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Speaker 1: can improve our life. So there's that as well. But
12:16
Speaker 1: back to the real world, the practical physical, three dimensional world.
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Speaker 1: So I want to give you, like I guess, almost
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Speaker 1: like an inventory of possible attributes or behaviors or characteristics
12:36
Speaker 1: or traits that I that I want in people that
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Speaker 1: I choose to spend my personal time with. So I
12:47
Speaker 1: want to hang out with people that overall drag me up,
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Speaker 1: not drag me down. And that doesn't mean my elevation
12:56
Speaker 1: and my growth and my journey is their responsibility. But
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Speaker 1: I want to be around people who, in general terms,
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Speaker 1: when I not all the time, and not every time,
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Speaker 1: because it's also my job to drag them up, but
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Speaker 1: in general terms, when I leave that person, when I
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Speaker 1: get out of that conversation, that interaction, that experience, that
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Speaker 1: social setting, whatever it is, when I walk away from that,
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Speaker 1: most of the time, I feel fucking great. I feel psychologically,
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Speaker 1: emotionally and maybe even physically uplifted because I've been around
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Speaker 1: that person. They help me think better, they help me
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Speaker 1: find clarity, they help me understand myself more. They have
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Speaker 1: knowledge and insight that I don't have as well. We
13:46
Speaker 1: might fucking laugh together, we might just enjoy each other's company.
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Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be anything groundbreaking or mind blowing.
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Speaker 1: It might just be like, for example, one of the
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Speaker 1: people that I'm talking about is my training partner, the
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Speaker 1: crab Mark. We hang out every day and every day,
14:07
Speaker 1: we lift stuff, every day, we talk about stuff, every day,
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Speaker 1: we laugh. It's not day to day life changing, but
14:14
Speaker 1: overall he is definitely a positive in my life. He's
14:20
Speaker 1: definitely a positive in my life, as is my best
14:23
Speaker 1: mate Vin if he happens to be listening to this.
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Speaker 1: People who drag me up. Another person I don't want
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Speaker 1: to hang out with is I don't want to hang
14:35
Speaker 1: out with the person who strokes my ego. So I
14:38
Speaker 1: do want to hang out with people who don't do that,
14:41
Speaker 1: people who their priority is not to make me feel
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Speaker 1: good or to endorse my behavior or to get my
14:52
Speaker 1: approval at all costs. Now, that doesn't mean I want
14:55
Speaker 1: them destroying me or running me down, or disagreeing for
14:59
Speaker 1: the sake of this agreeing. But I want real, I
15:03
Speaker 1: want authentic. I want to know despite what I think,
15:07
Speaker 1: I want to know actually what you think. My thinking
15:12
Speaker 1: and your thinking, and my beliefs and your beliefs, and
15:16
Speaker 1: my attitudes and behaviors and lifestyle. They don't need to
15:21
Speaker 1: reflect each other. They don't need to converge. There might
15:24
Speaker 1: be a lot of divergence or difference there, and that
15:28
Speaker 1: might make our relationship more interesting, more durable, and more valuable.
15:35
Speaker 1: Perhaps is not maybe the right word, but we might
15:40
Speaker 1: add to each other's lives because we're not the same.
15:45
Speaker 1: You know, if all of the people that I allow
15:49
Speaker 1: into my personal some might say sovereign space, if they
15:54
Speaker 1: all have to think like me, and be like me,
15:57
Speaker 1: and act like me and believe like me, than one
16:00
Speaker 1: I'm a fucking ego maniac, and two I'm creating a
16:03
Speaker 1: cult of Craig replicas and that don't work. Ever. Having
16:12
Speaker 1: said that, I want people in my life that care
16:18
Speaker 1: about me, that when I'm not looking, say nice things
16:22
Speaker 1: behind my back. And you know what I mean by that,
16:26
Speaker 1: because we get the opposite. How many times has somebody
16:30
Speaker 1: that is a certain way to your face, usually jovial,
16:34
Speaker 1: friendly or apparently friendly, you hear down the track that
16:38
Speaker 1: they have been quite different about you, or spoken about
16:42
Speaker 1: you in a different way when you're not around. And
16:47
Speaker 1: you know, there are people who for whom a relationship
16:53
Speaker 1: with you might be completely strategic, and there are relationships
16:58
Speaker 1: that can be strategic, and that's okay as long as
17:02
Speaker 1: both people know what's going on. This is a strategic alliance.
17:06
Speaker 1: This is a strategic relationship. It's win win. We both
17:10
Speaker 1: know what's going on. It's not actually a friendship per se,
17:14
Speaker 1: but it's a conditional strategic relationship, and we both know
17:18
Speaker 1: what's going on. And that's okay. But that's not in
17:23
Speaker 1: my personal space. That's not who I want to hang
17:25
Speaker 1: out with. I don't want someone blowing smoke up my
17:29
Speaker 1: ass constantly. I don't want someone constantly praising me. But
17:33
Speaker 1: I want to know that if one of my friends
17:38
Speaker 1: is in a space where somebody else is perhaps saying
17:43
Speaker 1: negative things about me, that at the very least they
17:47
Speaker 1: might defend me if if what the other person's saying
17:52
Speaker 1: is perhaps not true. Of course somebody might be talking
17:56
Speaker 1: shit about men. It could be completely true, and that
18:00
Speaker 1: i'd tell my friend Pylon. But I love the idea
18:03
Speaker 1: of I personally love saying nice things behind my friend's back.
18:09
Speaker 1: I love talking positively about people that I care about
18:15
Speaker 1: in a sincere and authentic way. I want people My
18:20
Speaker 1: next one is and this is this is just a
18:23
Speaker 1: term I use, and it's just a term, but I
18:27
Speaker 1: want to hang out with people that I would go
18:30
Speaker 1: to war with. I don't like war, by the way,
18:34
Speaker 1: but I love people who are brave enough to do that.
18:37
Speaker 1: I love people who are brave enough to represent our
18:42
Speaker 1: country and to represent you and me and to step
18:46
Speaker 1: up when most people would not want to. I love
18:48
Speaker 1: that kind of that courage and reliability and durability and authenticity.
18:55
Speaker 1: And so when I say I want I want to
18:58
Speaker 1: hang out with people that would go to war with me,
19:00
Speaker 1: and I would go to war with them. That's just
19:02
Speaker 1: people that for whom I would almost do anything, and
19:07
Speaker 1: I selfishly perhaps I want that in return, I would
19:11
Speaker 1: do that for them, and I want to be with
19:14
Speaker 1: people who would also do that. Again, not conditional, it's
19:18
Speaker 1: not strategic. It's just about love. It's just about I
19:22
Speaker 1: love this person, they love me. Cool. What do you need?
19:26
Speaker 1: What do you need? I also want to spend time
19:29
Speaker 1: with people who disagree with me. I kind of mentioned
19:33
Speaker 1: that a minute ago, but I just think it's important
19:35
Speaker 1: and not for the sake of disagreeing, but I think
19:37
Speaker 1: it's important that that you know, of course, there'll be
19:41
Speaker 1: a lot of things that we do agree on, but
19:43
Speaker 1: there are you know, if somebody has a different opinion
19:47
Speaker 1: to me, or a different belief or idea, to me
19:49
Speaker 1: about something. I don't want them to not say that,
19:53
Speaker 1: and I don't want them to try to keep the peace.
19:58
Speaker 1: There's a difference between arguing, yelling, screaming, and creating chaos.
20:02
Speaker 1: But I'm happy for In fact, if I've got people
20:06
Speaker 1: around me who never disagree with me on anything, you know,
20:09
Speaker 1: that's going to be a problem too, as I said before,
20:13
Speaker 1: because then it's just you know, then we're creating a
20:17
Speaker 1: basically an ideological cult, you know, where we all agree
20:21
Speaker 1: on everything, which just isn't realistic. I want to hang
20:28
Speaker 1: out with people who aren't like me. I want to
20:31
Speaker 1: hang out with people who come from different places, people
20:34
Speaker 1: who come from different cultural and or religious backgrounds. I
20:38
Speaker 1: want to hang out with people who have got knowledge
20:41
Speaker 1: and insight and experience and awareness that I don't have. Selfishly,
20:47
Speaker 1: I want to hang out with people who aren't like
20:50
Speaker 1: me because one, I'm curious and I'm interested in those people.
20:55
Speaker 1: But two, and this is selfish, they can teach me
20:59
Speaker 1: stuff I can learn from them. I can learn from them,
21:05
Speaker 1: and yes, I still need they still need to be
21:07
Speaker 1: people that I naturally like and respect and want to
21:09
Speaker 1: be around. But I don't want to hang out with
21:12
Speaker 1: a bunch of Craig clones. I don't want. I don't
21:16
Speaker 1: want my friends to have to meet certain criteria that
21:20
Speaker 1: are based on being like me. I want to hang
21:27
Speaker 1: out with people that challenge me and inspire me to
21:34
Speaker 1: be better and to do better. And that might happen
21:38
Speaker 1: in real time. And I do have a couple of
21:40
Speaker 1: people who call me out. And I'm going to be
21:43
Speaker 1: honest and say that when people call me out, my
21:45
Speaker 1: friends call me out in the moment because I've got
21:47
Speaker 1: an ego and because I've got a whole bunch of bullshit,
21:50
Speaker 1: emotional and psychological bullshit that I'll always be dealing with.
21:53
Speaker 1: I don't I don't always respond brilliantly call the cops.
21:59
Speaker 1: I don't, but nonetheless give me twenty thirty seconds. By
22:05
Speaker 1: the way, I don't explode and fight with anyone, but
22:09
Speaker 1: I just know that when it comes from the right
22:14
Speaker 1: place and I can step away from my ego and
22:17
Speaker 1: the emotional response for a second, generally there's some wisdom,
22:22
Speaker 1: there's some insight, and there's some perspective in what that
22:26
Speaker 1: person is sharing that I can't get without an external voice,
22:32
Speaker 1: without an external pair of eyes. Because I'm me and
22:36
Speaker 1: I can't be objective about me because the Craigs experience
22:41
Speaker 1: is a completely subjective one for me, because I'm me
22:47
Speaker 1: and so truly objectivity, complete objectivity and open mindedness is
22:53
Speaker 1: impossible if we're talking about across the board open mindedness
22:58
Speaker 1: and objectivity. It's impossible because we all have pre existing
23:02
Speaker 1: beliefs and ideas and biases and experiences and insights and
23:07
Speaker 1: programming and education and all of those things. We all
23:11
Speaker 1: have that and all that stuff is the filter through
23:15
Speaker 1: which we view the world, process the world and experiences
23:18
Speaker 1: and moments in time. But then the person that I'm
23:21
Speaker 1: sitting with or spending time with, they don't live in
23:25
Speaker 1: my reality. They're not seeing what I'm seeing. And sometimes
23:28
Speaker 1: what they're seeing I need to see. Sometimes what they're
23:33
Speaker 1: thinking I need to hear. Sometimes they're understanding, and their
23:38
Speaker 1: insight is going to be a gift for me. That
23:42
Speaker 1: feels like a punch in the face in the moment.
23:47
Speaker 1: As you've heard me so many times. Often the things
23:50
Speaker 1: that we need, be the need to experience, or need
23:55
Speaker 1: to hear, or need to understand or need to become
23:59
Speaker 1: aware of, they're not the things we want. Like the
24:03
Speaker 1: things that we want generally are comfortable. Generally, the things
24:07
Speaker 1: that we want make us feel better in the moment,
24:10
Speaker 1: and it's this drive to feel better and be comfortable
24:15
Speaker 1: and to be certain and to embrace convenience. These things
24:19
Speaker 1: are fucking limitations. These things are while they seem nice
24:24
Speaker 1: and in the moment they might deliver a degree of
24:27
Speaker 1: a joy. They might, but over the long term we
24:32
Speaker 1: need to have an awareness and a perspective and an
24:35
Speaker 1: understanding bigger than our own. And when we have what
24:40
Speaker 1: I call an unreasonable friend, which is a positive not
24:44
Speaker 1: a negative. I know it sounds like a negative, but
24:46
Speaker 1: an unreasonable friend for me is the person that will
24:49
Speaker 1: tell me the uncomfortable thing, knowing that I might not
24:55
Speaker 1: love to hear it, but they're courageous enough to do
24:57
Speaker 1: that anyway, and in return, I I want to do
25:00
Speaker 1: that for people. Like one of the challenges for me
25:04
Speaker 1: on this podcast is there are things that there are
25:10
Speaker 1: things that I could say a lot more directly, and
25:14
Speaker 1: there are things that I believe and think that I
25:19
Speaker 1: don't share on here. Nothing you know, horrendous or anything,
25:23
Speaker 1: but because I just know that if I say that,
25:27
Speaker 1: and I say it that way, there will be people
25:30
Speaker 1: who run with that and find the negative and then
25:35
Speaker 1: focus on that. And I get that, and I understand that.
25:39
Speaker 1: And even though people would say, who listen to me
25:43
Speaker 1: and read my work on social media that wow, he's direct,
25:46
Speaker 1: he's like hard hitting, or he doesn't pull any punches,
25:49
Speaker 1: and all of those things that people say, you know,
25:53
Speaker 1: the velvet sledgehammer I've been called right, Well, if you
25:57
Speaker 1: knew what I really think, sometimes I would probably have
26:01
Speaker 1: fucking three followers because I think more than I say,
26:10
Speaker 1: which is not to say I'm being disingenuous. I'm trying
26:12
Speaker 1: to exercise wisdom and an awareness greater than me. So
26:16
Speaker 1: there are things that I want to share, but I
26:19
Speaker 1: need to do that the right way, keeping in mind that,
26:23
Speaker 1: you know, so keeping in mind that I'm talking to
26:25
Speaker 1: thousands of people right now. Thousands of people will listen
26:28
Speaker 1: to this, and there, you know, and such is the
26:31
Speaker 1: divergence of experiences and personalities and mindsets and backgrounds. You know,
26:39
Speaker 1: is that right now, there will be some people thinking
26:42
Speaker 1: this is pretty fucking interesting. There will be some people
26:44
Speaker 1: who have already tuned out because they're bored. There'll be
26:48
Speaker 1: some people who are thinking, wow, this is really informative
26:52
Speaker 1: and educational, and maybe some people are going, I'm not
26:55
Speaker 1: exactly sure what the fuck he's talking about. Despite the
26:58
Speaker 1: fact that the stimulus for everybody that is my voice,
27:03
Speaker 1: my words, my idea is the stimulus is the same,
27:05
Speaker 1: but the response is different. I've kind of gone off
27:10
Speaker 1: the path of who we hang out with, but I
27:12
Speaker 1: just think that was an important thing to say. The
27:15
Speaker 1: bottom line is, hang out with people who might make
27:18
Speaker 1: you better, and they might not be the people that
27:23
Speaker 1: make you feel the best in the moment. Like I
27:26
Speaker 1: always say, and this is what I want for me
27:29
Speaker 1: from others, and this is what I would say to
27:32
Speaker 1: you if you were mine. And I've said this many
27:34
Speaker 1: times to people that I have worked with one on
27:37
Speaker 1: one it as a mental a coach, a conditioning coach,
27:43
Speaker 1: and ext sise scientist, whatever personal trainer. Many times I've
27:47
Speaker 1: said to people the thing that you need to hear
27:51
Speaker 1: or the thing that I need you to do might
27:52
Speaker 1: not be the thing that you want to hear or
27:54
Speaker 1: the thing that you want to do. And also, I
27:56
Speaker 1: am more concerned with your long term wellbeing. I am
28:00
Speaker 1: more concerned with your ability to survive and thrive and
28:04
Speaker 1: win over the next three decades, for example, than I
28:08
Speaker 1: am interested in making you feel good for the next
28:12
Speaker 1: three minutes. And we live in a time where you
28:19
Speaker 1: have to tippy toe around a lot of shit. You
28:23
Speaker 1: know that. I know that, and I don't know that
28:27
Speaker 1: all the tippy toeing. Yes, we need to be aware
28:29
Speaker 1: and sensitive and empathetic, and I say that genuinely we do,
28:35
Speaker 1: but oh my god, oh my god, sometimes we just
28:43
Speaker 1: need to pull back the curtain and go listen. Champ,
28:45
Speaker 1: You're the problem in this, not always the problem, but
28:48
Speaker 1: you are with this problem is your thinking, The problem
28:52
Speaker 1: is your choices, The problem is your behavior. The problem
28:55
Speaker 1: because that is just fucking true for all of us.
28:58
Speaker 1: And sometimes we need that person in our life. We
29:03
Speaker 1: need that person. I need that person for some of you.
29:07
Speaker 1: Maybe I am that person sometimes, which is why I
29:11
Speaker 1: understand why some people don't like me. I'm not even upset.
29:16
Speaker 1: I get it. I get it because I understand how
29:19
Speaker 1: people think. And that's no judgment. I understand. You know.
29:24
Speaker 1: I've I've mentioned this before, but I once I started
29:29
Speaker 1: reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Toll, maybe twenty
29:33
Speaker 1: years ago. I can't remember when it came out, but
29:35
Speaker 1: it was maybe twenty years ago, and at that time,
29:38
Speaker 1: with my mindset at that time and the way I
29:40
Speaker 1: thought and the way that I processed the world. I
29:43
Speaker 1: started reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Toll, and
29:45
Speaker 1: I kind of thought it was spiritual psychobabble. I kind
29:49
Speaker 1: of thought it was bullshitting. And then I can't remember
29:52
Speaker 1: how many years, but some years later I found that
29:56
Speaker 1: book on a shelf at my house. I just, I
30:01
Speaker 1: don't know why. I just had had some time, and
30:03
Speaker 1: I sat down and I reread the first few pages.
30:07
Speaker 1: I didn't read that much the first time around. I
30:09
Speaker 1: probably read ten or twenty pages and put it down
30:11
Speaker 1: and thought it was crap. Right second time around, I
30:15
Speaker 1: couldn't put it down. Second time around, I thought, this
30:19
Speaker 1: is fucking genius. There is so much wisdom and insight.
30:23
Speaker 1: This is such a beautiful, amazing lens to look at
30:26
Speaker 1: the world through. How is this guy so clever? How
30:30
Speaker 1: is this guy so enlightened? How did all of a
30:33
Speaker 1: sudden like he was the same Carttol was the same,
30:36
Speaker 1: The book was the same, the information was the same,
30:39
Speaker 1: the words were the same. But I was ready. I
30:42
Speaker 1: was ready to hear a different message. I was open.
30:45
Speaker 1: The problem was not the book. The problem was not
30:47
Speaker 1: the information. The problem was that I didn't want to
30:50
Speaker 1: hear it. The problem was that I was not open minded.
30:54
Speaker 1: The problem was me, let's do two more people who
31:01
Speaker 1: keep their commitments. I want to be around people who
31:04
Speaker 1: do say what they mean, mean what they say, and
31:07
Speaker 1: do what they say they're going to do. And I
31:09
Speaker 1: think for me that is a really valuable kind of
31:13
Speaker 1: trait and a really desirable thing to have in a friend,
31:19
Speaker 1: because I've had a lot of people let me down. Again,
31:21
Speaker 1: there's no self pity in this. There's just part of
31:23
Speaker 1: my journey. My life is good. My journey's been good.
31:26
Speaker 1: There's been way more good stuff than bad stuff. But
31:28
Speaker 1: at the same time, if I'm just being honest, there
31:30
Speaker 1: are people that have been really fucking unreliable, people that
31:34
Speaker 1: do not do what they say they're going to do,
31:38
Speaker 1: and then when they don't do what they said they
31:40
Speaker 1: would do, they don't apologize, they don't own up, they
31:45
Speaker 1: don't step up, they don't take responsibility. They spew some
31:50
Speaker 1: bullshit about all of these things that happened that were
31:53
Speaker 1: out of their control, and generally that is not the
31:57
Speaker 1: truth sometimes but often not. And my last one is
32:03
Speaker 1: I love spending time with people who like me, value
32:09
Speaker 1: meaningful conversations over superficial interactions. I like stilliness, I like
32:15
Speaker 1: fucking around, but I don't like bullshit conversations. I don't
32:20
Speaker 1: like talking for twenty minutes about nothing in particular. It
32:24
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that every dialogue, every interaction has got to
32:28
Speaker 1: be life changing or profound. Of course it doesn't. But
32:33
Speaker 1: you know when I mean, you've been in those situations
32:35
Speaker 1: where and I still get in those situations and it's
32:38
Speaker 1: not life threatening, but you know where you're somewhere and
32:40
Speaker 1: you're kind of just by virtue of circumstantial situation or whatever,
32:45
Speaker 1: you just find yourself in a conversation or an interaction
32:49
Speaker 1: that's just basically fucking verbal fairy floss. It's like, farka,
32:54
Speaker 1: now this is going to give me conversational diabetes, Like
32:57
Speaker 1: this is shit. Now I'm going to have those, but
33:03
Speaker 1: I don't want those with my close friends. That's not
33:06
Speaker 1: who I want to choose to hang around people who
33:10
Speaker 1: who do that, you know, conversational fairy fluss. Anyway, I
33:15
Speaker 1: just want to I want to finish by saying that
33:20
Speaker 1: it might be, it might not be, but it might
33:22
Speaker 1: be time for you to think about who you consciously
33:27
Speaker 1: spend time with, and the impact that that person or
33:33
Speaker 1: those people have on who you want to be and
33:38
Speaker 1: how you want to be, the impact that they have
33:41
Speaker 1: on your physical, mental, emotional health, the impact that they
33:46
Speaker 1: have on your mission, on your journey, on your work
33:52
Speaker 1: in progress. Because you know, there are a lot of
33:57
Speaker 1: variables that affect the quality of our outcomes and the
34:02
Speaker 1: quality of our experiences and the quality of our work,
34:05
Speaker 1: and you know the quality of our journey over time,
34:09
Speaker 1: and we think about lots of things. You know, we
34:12
Speaker 1: talk about on this show. We talk about sleep and food,
34:14
Speaker 1: and we talk about lifting shit, and we talk about
34:17
Speaker 1: managing stress, and we talk about making better decisions, but
34:21
Speaker 1: we don't really talk about who do I want to
34:24
Speaker 1: be around? Who do I want to choose to open
34:29
Speaker 1: the door for see you next time.