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Stop Sitting in Mom Guilt: How to Repair with Your ADHD Child After You Lose It · Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators

• 0:00
  Apryl: There's that moment after the blow up that no one really talks about.
• 0:05
  Apryl: The house is quiet again, your kid has shut down or disappeared into their room, and you're standing there thinking, oh, now what?
• 0:14
  Apryl: Because yelling is over, but the pit in your stomach isn't.
• 0:18
  Apryl: And the look on your kid's face, that's still lingering in your mind.
• 0:23
  Apryl: And if you're anything like the parents we work with or like me, you're wondering one terrifying question: Am I ruining my kid?
• 0:32
  Apryl: Welcome to Raising ADHD, the podcast for parents and teachers raising ADHD kids.
• 0:38
  Apryl: If you've ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or just unsure what to do next, you're not alone.
• 0:44
  Apryl: I'm April Bradford, a former teacher and ADHD mom, and alongside my husband, Dr.
• 0:50
  Apryl: Brian Bradford, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, we're here to give you the clarity, strategies, and support you've been looking for.
• 0:57
  Apryl: Every week we break down the misconceptions, answer your biggest questions, and share real tools you can use right away at home and in the classroom.
• 1:07
  Apryl: So if you're ready to feel more confident and less overwhelmed, you're in the right place.
• 1:12
  Apryl: Hey there.
• 1:12
  Apryl: Welcome to Raising ADHD, the podcast for parents and teachers raising ADHD kids.
• 1:18
  Apryl: If you've ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or unsure of what to do next, you're not alone.
• 1:23
  Apryl: I'm April Bradford, and so happy you're here.
• 1:27
  Apryl: Welcome back to our friends, and welcome, Brian.
• 1:32
  Brian: Hey, and I'm Brian Bradford, child and adolescent psychiatrist.
• 1:36
  Apryl: Today we're continuing um off of last week's episode because last week we talked about anger explosions, why they happen, what's going on in the ADHD brain, and how to interpret them before they blow.
• 1:49
  Apryl: But today is actually the most important part.
• 1:52
  Apryl: It's what happens after.
• 1:55
  Brian: This is important because we said in our last episode, you are not going to prevent every outburst.
• 2:01
  Brian: That's just an impossibility.
• 2:03
  Brian: Doesn't matter if you're a parent, doesn't matter if you're a teacher, you're not going to be able to prevent all of them.
• 2:08
  Brian: So then the question isn't when am I going to mess up, but what do I do after I mess up?
• 2:15
  Apryl: Yeah, because most parents stop, you know, it's like, oh, I shouldn't have yelled, and you feel guilty, right?
• 2:23
  Apryl: And like you sit in shame and guilt.
• 2:27
  Apryl: But what we were never taught is the part that actually protects the child.
• 2:34
  Apryl: And that's what we're diving into.
• 2:37
  Brian: So from an attachment standpoint, and and this goes off decades of research, secure attachment is not built by never rupturing, it's built when you rupture and then you repair afterwards.
• 2:52
  Apryl: Let's say that again, because I think parents really need to hear that.
• 2:56
  Brian: So these strong relationships are built by the repair.
• 3:00
  Brian: Like you cannot never stress the relationship a little bit and expect it to just be all hunky-dory your entire life.
• 3:08
  Brian: It's these repairs that build the relationship.
• 3:11
  Apryl: Exactly.
• 3:13
  Apryl: And we know that in ADHD families, the ruptures happen more often because the emotions are bigger, the impulsivity, all of the things.
• 3:26
  Apryl: So we get this feedback more frequently.
• 3:29
  Apryl: And without repair, our kids think they're not thinking, oh, that was really hard in the moment.
• 3:35
  Apryl: They're thinking, I'm a problem.
• 3:37
  Apryl: We've talked about this before, but it matters here.
• 3:40
  Apryl: By elementary school, ADHD kids hear thousands more corrections than their peers.
• 3:45
  Apryl: I actually saw a comic today, um, and I think the comic was ADHD Alien.
• 3:53
  Apryl: I think that's what it's called.
• 3:54
  Apryl: But someone was handing, like it was a metaphorical comment.
• 3:59
  Apryl: Someone was handing her a brick, which was like a constructive criticism or, you know, like feedback.
• 4:07
  Apryl: And it was like, oh, why do you blow up over little things?
• 4:11
  Apryl: And it was like you don't see all of the rest of it.
• 4:13
  Apryl: And there was like just piles and piles of bricks behind her because there's thousands and thousands of these little comments.
• 4:21
  Apryl: And then we add yelling on top of that, because you know, they're trying to not interrupt and sit still, and why can't you just blah blah blah?
• 4:29
  Apryl: And then we yell at them too.
• 4:31
  Brian: So this ends up forming what we call a shame-based identity.
• 4:36
  Brian: And so then your kids instead of saying, hearing, I made a mistake, what they're hearing is I am the mistake.
• 4:43
  Apryl: Yeah, and that's the biggest difference between a meltdown that passes and a kid who starts to believe they're bad, which is exactly what we want to mitigate and try to re talk the way that we talk to our kids, we don't want them to feel that way.
• 5:02
  Apryl: We don't want don't want them to feel like they are the mistake.
• 5:06
  Brian: Right.
• 5:06
  Brian: And we've kind of diluted this before, but when yelling happens, your child's nervous system instantly goes into a threat.
• 5:14
  Brian: So heart rates go up, cortisol goes up, your amygdala, we've talked about this before, this one goes fully online, and your prefrontal cortex, the the brain's control center, this part that learns from the consequences, instant shutdown.
• 5:31
  Apryl: Yeah, and the amygdala, just to remind you guys, is the part of the brain, it's like the fire alarm system.
• 5:37
  Apryl: So when your nervous your child's nervous system is in threat, the fire alarm starts going off.
• 5:44
  Apryl: So if you're thinking they should know better, they literally, their brain couldn't learn anything from it because they were in that thinking mode was off, fire alarms were on.
• 6:02
  Brian: Right.
• 6:03
  Brian: So, which this means repair isn't just about being nice, it's about finishing this neurological cycle.
• 6:12
  Apryl: Yeah, and I think that's where parents get nervous, is it's like, oh, well, I don't want to be soft on them because I want them to know that wasn't okay.
• 6:22
  Apryl: And that's not what repairing is.
• 6:25
  Apryl: It's not just like, you know, giving them a pat on the back.
• 6:29
  Apryl: It's literally repairing.
• 6:32
  Apryl: It's it's creating a different identity than the shame identity.
• 6:36
  Brian: So this one's easy.
• 6:38
  Brian: Not during the explosion, not while emotions are still high, not especially not while you're chasing your kid down the hallway.
• 6:46
  Apryl: This is Yeah, don't chase your kid down the hallway.
• 6:49
  Apryl: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
• 6:51
  Brian: Yeah, these apologies don't mean the same and they don't really impact the same.
• 6:58
  Brian: Your this this apology that's in the moment is like, oh, I'm trying to just stop the moment.
• 7:02
  Brian: What you want to do is you want to wait until both you and your child's nervous systems are calm enough to reconnect.
• 7:10
  Brian: And sometimes this is 20 minutes later, sometimes this is the next morning.
• 7:14
  Brian: This is when everything's all over and everybody's calmed down, and that's when you go into an apologize.
• 7:20
  Apryl: Yeah, and that's okay.
• 7:21
  Apryl: Like it can wait.
• 7:22
  Apryl: You know that um rule of never go to bed mad, like in marriage.
• 7:28
  Apryl: It's okay to sometimes give that break and let your nervous systems calm down so that then you can really say the things that you mean to say.
• 7:38
  Apryl: Okay, so what does this system of repair look like?
• 7:42
  Apryl: This is a five-part system.
• 7:45
  Apryl: Um, it's the five-part repair system.
• 7:47
  Apryl: So, number one is own it and don't give excuses.
• 7:53
  Apryl: And this can sometimes be the hardest part, especially if you're not used to saying sorry and taking the blame.
• 7:59
  Brian: Um, but we're talking like this with ADHD kids, but straight up, this works with your spouse.
• 8:05
  Brian: This this works with anybody.
• 8:07
  Apryl: Yeah, it truly is.
• 8:08
  Apryl: I mean, this is when anyone's upset.
• 8:10
  Apryl: Um, but it just is so important with our ADHD kids because of that shame identity that we talked about.
• 8:16
  Apryl: So, like I said, this could be the hardest part saying, I yelled, that wasn't okay.
• 8:22
  Apryl: Instead of I yelled because you didn't blah, blah, blah, right?
• 8:27
  Apryl: Putting the blame back on them.
• 8:29
  Apryl: No, it's putting the blame of yelling on you.
• 8:32
  Apryl: That was a you mistake.
• 8:34
  Apryl: So I yelled, that wasn't okay.
• 8:37
  Brian: Right.
• 8:37
  Brian: And this is actually pretty simple to do, but difficult to do.
• 8:42
  Apryl: Simple to say.
• 8:43
  Apryl: Simple to say, hard to do.
• 8:45
  Brian: It's hard to like bring your ego down.
• 8:47
  Brian: And it's always like so satisfying when you're like, well, I yelled because you.
• 8:51
  Brian: All that does is prolong the fight.
• 8:54
  Brian: You're just taking another jab the next morning.
• 8:57
  Brian: You need to figure out how's my child going to interpret this.
• 9:01
  Brian: And if you say, I yelled, that wasn't okay, it's mom makes mistakes sometimes too, and she's sorry for this.
• 9:10
  Brian: And then they can examine and be like, did I do anything to make my mom yell?
• 9:14
  Brian: Okay.
• 9:15
  Brian: Rather than I yelled because you, which immediately puts the blame and it immediately puts the child into mom thinks I'm a bad person.
• 9:23
  Apryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:23
  Apryl: Yeah, it the child hears this was your fault.
• 9:27
  Brian: Yes.
• 9:28
  Brian: Yeah.
• 9:29
  Apryl: Okay, so number one, own it, no excuses.
• 9:32
  Apryl: Number two is name their experience.
• 9:35
  Apryl: Not name your experience or the experience, name their experience.
• 9:39
  Apryl: So for example, when I yelled, that probably felt scary.
• 9:44
  Apryl: Or for like our teenagers, when I yelled, that was probably embarrassing.
• 9:50
  Apryl: Or when I yelled, that was probably overwhelming.
• 9:54
  Brian: Right.
• 9:54
  Brian: And so this is another like therapy trick.
• 9:57
  Brian: It doesn't matter if you get it wrong.
• 9:59
  Brian: Accuracy is not the key.
• 10:01
  Brian: What you're trying to let your child know is I was thinking about you, or I am thinking about you.
• 10:08
  Apryl: I think with that too, it helps them, you know, again, we're repairing, right?
• 10:13
  Apryl: So they start to feel that safety come back of oh, mom or dad was thinking about me.
• 10:19
  Apryl: They were thinking about my emotions as well.
• 10:22
  Apryl: So you can see how the repair is starting to weave in here.
• 10:26
  Apryl: So number three is removing the blame.
• 10:29
  Apryl: Simple and easy.
• 10:30
  Apryl: Again, just like Brian said, simple to say, not always easy to do, but you didn't make me yell.
• 10:35
  Apryl: This is a huge one.
• 10:37
  Apryl: A lot of times, our kids internalize the responsibility for the adult emotions super fast.
• 10:46
  Apryl: Like they feel like they are responsible for keeping their parents or the adults happy, and especially with our ADHD kiddos.
• 10:56
  Apryl: So removing that blame, you didn't make me yell, that is and like with this, it's not you didn't do something you weren't supposed to do.
• 11:08
  Apryl: We're not saying that.
• 11:09
  Apryl: We're literally saying you didn't make me yell.
• 11:12
  Apryl: So it's different, you know, like there was still some things that they did, but because they did that, it was not your their fault that you yelled.
• 11:22
  Apryl: So removing that blame from them will also help remove the shame.
• 11:27
  Apryl: So, Brian, what is number four?
• 11:30
  Brian: So, number four is state what will change.
• 11:34
  Brian: So you could just say, next time I feel fuss frustrated, I'm gonna take a break before I talk.
• 11:40
  Brian: Now, this isn't that to be perfection.
• 11:44
  Brian: It's just merely like, hey, here's a little plan.
• 11:47
  Brian: Here's how I'm gonna correct it next time.
• 11:49
  Brian: Uh and this builds trust and it puts a resolution to it of this wasn't not only was this not okay, but I'm gonna resolve to do better next time.
• 12:00
  Apryl: Yeah, and this is such a good example for our kids too, because they're seeing you make mistakes.
• 12:08
  Apryl: I think that's one thing our kids, you know, don't really see their parents making mistakes.
• 12:15
  Apryl: You know, they feel like kids make mistakes, not adults.
• 12:19
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 12:19
  Apryl: And so this allows them to see, like, oh, my mom makes mistakes or my dad makes mistakes, and they try harder to, you know, fix it the next time.
• 12:29
  Apryl: We are all none of us are perfect, and so you know, they don't have to feel like they have to be perfect either.
• 12:35
  Apryl: It helps to remove that as well.
• 12:39
  Apryl: So, step number five, then, after stating what will change, step number five is reaffirm the relationship.
• 12:49
  Apryl: So that's just saying, I love you, that doesn't change.
• 12:53
  Apryl: Because after yelling and after a blow up and all of those emotions, kids start to wonder that.
• 12:59
  Apryl: And so just stating that out loud, even to your teenagers, they need to hear it too.
• 13:05
  Apryl: I love you, that doesn't change.
• 13:06
  Apryl: No matter how often I yell, you know, I love you.
• 13:11
  Apryl: So reaffirming that relationship.
• 13:14
  Apryl: So um, let's look at what some age-based examples look like.
• 13:21
  Brian: So, kind of going back through these five, how would that go?
• 13:25
  Brian: You would say, Hey, I yelled, I'm sorry, I feel like that made you scared, and you know, that's on me.
• 13:37
  Brian: I should not have done that.
• 13:38
  Brian: I'm gonna work on it better for next time.
• 13:41
  Brian: I'm gonna next time I start to get upset or something like that, I'm gonna ruin myself to the situation, and I just want you to know that I love you.
• 13:47
  Apryl: Yep, perfect.
• 13:48
  Brian: And you can knock out all five really quickly in in just a couple paragraphs.
• 13:54
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 13:55
  Apryl: And with our littler kids, this is just gonna be quick, short, a hug.
• 14:01
  Apryl: They're usually from our home experience.
• 14:05
  Apryl: I feel like the little kids are uh more they forgive quicker and easier where your teenagers are more likely going to need respect and space and then that calm and then go through those five steps.
• 14:24
  Brian: So Yeah, it's also good to remember that this is for your your child, not for you.
• 14:30
  Brian: And so lay out what it takes for them to have resolution and feel better and and then move on.
• 14:37
  Brian: You don't have to be like, Well, I still feel a little bad.
• 14:39
  Brian: Why don't you say sorry to me?
• 14:41
  Brian: That kind of thing is not now what this is for.
• 14:45
  Apryl: Yeah, that's a really good point.
• 14:47
  Apryl: That this is not for them to tell you sorry.
• 14:51
  Apryl: And let's just identify right now raising an ADHD kid is not easy, and a lot of times those emotions, especially if you're the safe parent, get targeted at you and it can feel really, really hard, and you may feel like you need that apology from them.
• 15:08
  Apryl: But that's like Brian said, that's not what this is.
• 15:12
  Apryl: This is literally your repairing the relationship with your child, not their repairing their relationship with you.
• 15:20
  Apryl: You need to be the safe place, you they need to know the unconditional love from you.
• 15:26
  Brian: Right.
• 15:27
  Brian: And kids learn by examples anyway, so if you want them in the future to say sorry to other people when they hurt them, then they need then you need to exhibit that behavior to them.
• 15:38
  Apryl: Exactly.
• 15:39
  Apryl: And they may start doing it to you as well from that example.
• 15:42
  Apryl: They'll start seeing it and be like, oh, sorry, mom, I didn't mean to yell.
• 15:46
  Apryl: Another mistake that I think um I can't remember exactly what you just said, Brian, just a minute ago that made me think about this.
• 15:54
  Apryl: But, you know, like if you're feeling bad about it, this also isn't a give in and into whatever it was that the explosion was.
• 16:03
  Apryl: So maybe it was they wanted to go out with their friends on Friday night, and you were like, no, because your grades aren't up or something.
• 16:10
  Apryl: And then you feel guilty.
• 16:11
  Apryl: So you're like, okay, let's repair the relationship.
• 16:14
  Apryl: You can go with your friends.
• 16:15
  Apryl: That's not what this is.
• 16:16
  Apryl: That's not like that would be soft parenting.
• 16:19
  Apryl: This is not soft parenting.
• 16:21
  Apryl: This is truly, no, you can still stick to your boundaries of no, we said you don't go out Friday night, but I still love you, you know, repairing that relationship, but not getting soft and letting boundaries down.
• 16:35
  Brian: Yeah, and that's where you being able to remove yourself from the situation and making sure that you're not getting a reward.
• 16:43
  Brian: If your parents are like, if your child starts to think you're doing this so that you can just get revenge or something else, that's what leads to a broken relationship.
• 16:51
  Brian: When they're like, oh, my parents need me to do my homework.
• 16:54
  Brian: That's why they're doing this, is because the homework needs to get done.
• 16:58
  Brian: Okay, well then the homework's the bad guy, not mom.
• 17:01
  Apryl: Also, if you're wondering about consequences when these blow-offs happen, go back to the last episode because we talk about consequences versus punishment and what actually works.
• 17:13
  Apryl: So go back and listen to that.
• 17:15
  Apryl: Okay, so let's talk about really quick the bad kid versus the learning kid shift, because this is like the golden snitch of this whole system is repairing is how you change the story from I'm bad to I'm learning.
• 17:37
  Brian: Yeah, and that identity shift is gonna be protective long term.
• 17:42
  Brian: And honestly, like for our whole podcast, if there's just one thing you get from this, it's that ADHD kids get low self-esteem, and there's things that you can do to make them empowered so they can be like, you know what, I've got this and I'm gonna work hard and I'm a good person.
• 17:59
  Brian: And I don't need to be held back by this diagnosis.
• 18:03
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 18:04
  Apryl: And the outside world doesn't understand, you know, teachers, all of that.
• 18:11
  Apryl: They're not doing all of the research and the studying, and all the things that you're doing is the parent.
• 18:18
  Apryl: And so you being that person who is changing this identity for them is key because it's gonna start with you, even though it's hard, it starts with you.
• 18:32
  Apryl: Raising an ADHD kid is hard, but these little things will make it easier over time.
• 18:38
  Apryl: Another thing that you can do is the do-over concept.
• 18:44
  Apryl: So before the blowup goes huge, you can, if you can catch yourself, sometimes you can catch it fast when you start to feel, you know, the boiling, it's about to explode.
• 19:00
  Apryl: You can say, Oh, let me try that again, and then resay what you were gonna say in that calm.
• 19:07
  Apryl: Um, I actually have a free course coming out, it'll be out in the next day or two um at raisingadh.org/slash calm.
• 19:16
  Apryl: But I talk about this where you have that three-second break where you can regulate your nervous system really quick and just take that breath and reset really quick, get your thinking brain back online.
• 19:29
  Apryl: And that's what this is doing, that do-over concept.
• 19:32
  Apryl: If you can catch yourself, let me say that again, say it in a calm way, then that is you know, then there's not the whole repair, there's not the shame already.
• 19:44
  Apryl: You you caught it right there in the moment.
• 19:46
  Apryl: And doing that too will be a model for your kids.
• 19:50
  Apryl: Like they will, the more you can do that, the more you're modeling it for them, the more they're going to see it.
• 19:57
  Apryl: And so um they.
• 20:00
  Apryl: They will eventually start to implement these things themselves too as they see you doing them.
• 20:06
  Brian: Yeah, so kind of just to summarize, you don't your child doesn't need to have a perfect parent.
• 20:12
  Brian: And this is a running theme throughout just child psychology in general.
• 20:16
  Brian: The perfect parent doesn't exist, and the closer you are actually to perfection, that could cause problems.
• 20:23
  Brian: You're trying to be just a good enough parent.
• 20:25
  Brian: You're trying to be supportive, you're trying to offer them the tools they need to be successful in life and to let them experience life and to have all their learning opportunities presented to them and to be able to work through them.
• 20:38
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 20:38
  Apryl: So let's go over really quick those five steps again so that you can start practicing those at home.
• 20:44
  Apryl: And I promise you're gonna see more.
• 20:48
  Apryl: This is going to help also.
• 20:49
  Apryl: I mean, I know it's after an explosion, but it's gonna help to create more calm in your home, which is our goal, right?
• 20:57
  Apryl: So that five-part repair system again is number one, own it, no excuses.
• 21:03
  Apryl: Number two, name their experience.
• 21:06
  Apryl: Number three, remove the blame.
• 21:08
  Apryl: Number four, state what will change.
• 21:11
  Apryl: And number five, reaffirm the relationship.
• 21:14
  Apryl: And if no one has ever modeled this for you, I think it's uh it's been a generational thing where parents or adults are always right.
• 21:24
  Apryl: So don't feel like you're failing.
• 21:26
  Apryl: It's literally, we're, I feel like we're all learning this as a society of how kids' brains work and nervous system and all of that stuff.
• 21:35
  Apryl: So you're not failing.
• 21:37
  Apryl: We're all in this together, we're all learning.
• 21:39
  Apryl: And next week, we're gonna be back with an actual like second part to this where we're gonna talk about how to repair how repair actually rewires trust over time, especially with our kids for our kids with RSD.
• 21:56
  Apryl: Until then, you've got this and we've got your back.
• 21:59
  Brian: Thanks so much for joining us for today's conversation on raising ADHD.
• 22:03
  Brian: Remember, raising ADHD kids doesn't have to feel overwhelming.
• 22:06
  Brian: Small shifts can make a big difference.
• 22:09
  Brian: If you found this episode helpful, it would mean the world if you would hit subscribe, if you would leave a review, or if you shared it with another parent or teacher who needs this support.
• 22:18
  Brian: And don't forget to join us next week for more real talk, practical tips, and encouragement.
• 22:23
  Brian: Until then, you've got this, and we've got your back.