Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 13- Emotional Safety in Relationships - How to Build It & Why It's Essential
Transcript
- JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Good morning all. Welcome back to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. I am obviously JR. I'm Dustie. So, this week has been fun. We wanted to talk to everyone. about a topic, pretty important, I feel like. Something we have encountered ourselves and do that it does add to a lot of the conversations that we're having. And that is the idea ⁓ of creating emotional safety a relationship and what actually looks. and feels like. Yeah, creating that foundation. Right. And this is one of those topics that I think everybody is going to have their own opinion on, I feel like. I just want to go out on the record and say, know, this is our, this is what has worked for us. ⁓ it can work for somebody out there, know, bits and pieces, whatever it may be. in thinking about some of our struggles that we have had. know, past ⁓ present. One of the things that gets lost on both of us is, you know, what am I doing to make sure that you feel seen, heard and safe within the relationship? what are you doing to make me feel the same way? And a lot of that, you know, we harp on it over and over and over on this channel begins with open communication. Yeah. That's our number one. Open, honest communication. Honest, Which I that lays one of the major foundations ⁓ of within our relationship is that we understand at least I can speak for myself. I understand that sometimes in honesty, you may say something that I am not going to agree with or like, but I am also not going to punish you for it. be messy and be. you know, however I feel about what I'm thinking or feeling, whether it's bad or it's going to hurt your feelings or I can still, feel safe in, ⁓ can be honest about it. Right. I going to do my best. I'm not always perfect, but I am going to do my best in those conversations to make sure that I'm not minimizing those feelings. Yeah. or that I'm going to make you feel bad about them or just cast them aside or whatever it may be, right? It really does shape conversation so that you are able to express yourself freely. Because again, I've said it over and over and over, everybody's entitled to feel what they feel. It's a fact ⁓ of nature you're going to... get feelings about situations, stimulus, whatever it may be. for whatever reason that is, you're entitled to have that feeling. It's how you respond to those feelings that sometimes is not so constructive. But that's not to say that in this situation that is the case, right? It's. being honest in a relationship, corny as it sounds and as ⁓ as it might sound to some, really ⁓ lay that foundation of everything else a relationship is built I mean, there's trust, there's emotional connection, there is the foundations of, you know, that you discuss at the beginning of a relationship, if you're honest, throughout relationship. Like all starts to lay the foundational bricks of ⁓ your home, You call it Yeah, our home. Not our physical home, but... our home, our relationship. It has to be. Like it really has to be something that you invest your, it's, it's a little hard for me to talk about because it's hard for me to verbalize. Like when you're in those messy situations and you're being completely honest with somebody and you're completely vulnerable with somebody because you don't, I mean, I've said it before, you don't really know what, what the outcome is going to be. Yes. It's easy for me to say that in conversation. you need to get it out there because this is the basis for where you move forward. it's scary. But it is scary because there is a lot of unknown. And you have to be able to... ⁓ push past that ego, which I have a problem with, right? We've talked about that. do have a tendency to let my ego and my pride get the best of me. But you have to be able to maneuver way through that so that you stay present in the moment. That your tone in the conversation is not all those that we talked about. ⁓ Being dismissive, or minimizing it ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ And you have to consistently do it over and over and over. It's like everything else, right? It's like ⁓ working or. Yeah, you got to be consistent because that's what's going to show your partner. that it's, I can be safe over time. Like I can feel comfortable coming to you and having that communication because consistently you've been open and receiving whatever it is, whether good or bad or messy or ugly, you know, and, you don't judge me for that. So over time, you know, you do it once and it's like, okay, we had a good conversation. And then the next time you go back to ego or you go back to yelling at me for something or not you per se, but like in whatever relationship that you can't trust that you can go back to them again a third time, because you don't know what you're going to get. You're going to lose that. that safety net. ⁓ that's essentially what you're building through every interaction like that, with every honest interaction, is you're building a little bit of a safety net that, and it's like with everything, Like stepping onto a creaky-dee bridge across ⁓ a like you're taking ⁓ small steps because you don't know if this thing's gonna hold you, and as you get further and further down the line, you start getting a little bit more comfortable. And the end of it, you're taking full on steps and crossing this or whatever. But it really does start there. mean, it starts with that consistent. approach and that consistent Because it's not even necessarily about just being calm in the moment. It's about being present in the moment and being able to look past all of the other stuff that is maybe going on in turmoil. Because I've said it a few times, or I've said it at least once in a couple of episodes or a past episode, where really have to sit and listen. with the idea that you're seeking to understand what the other person is telling you. And that's the other side, I think, of communication is it's not just talking, it's listening, it's understanding, it's, you know, trying to understand ⁓ your approaching that conversation. And it's how you're not just physically present in the moment, but you're emotionally invested in the conversation. you're again making it a point to actively listen so that you can not a response you're an understanding of what this person is actually trying to tell you yeah and i think that like you said the calm tone how you approach it how how you're actively listening and understanding because you know like for me I shut down I ⁓ yelled at or, know, is coming at me. just shut down, know? And so that's really to close your lines of communication when I'm coming to you and trying to be open and trying to be honest, ⁓ trying to feel safe what I, ⁓ you I'm trying to communicate to you. It makes a huge difference in your tone, in how you're receiving it. Right, right. And it's it's not easy. No, it's not always easy because there's so many things I mean, ⁓ there been a lot of hard conversations and things that it's not to talk about. But it is one of those things that has, I think, impacted us the most in ⁓ creating the between the two. because we know that whatever it is, better for us to talk about it and discuss it and ⁓ out what we're gonna do with it than is to... ⁓ just cast it aside or not think about it. Cause we end up, mean, we found out firsthand that that just does, ends up making a situation something that it isn't. Right. It just compounds it and makes a cycle. And you know, and it's not even about grand gestures. It's not even about like, we're having huge conversation every single time. Yeah. But even in the small moments, like if something bothers her, like I would rather her tell me right then like, Hey, why are you doing that? Yeah. And accept that that is her perspective and that is her opinion. And I need to understand where that's coming from. Yeah. same for her. Like if there's something that's bothering me, like ⁓ has the right to understand, well, this is what is bothering me. This is what's happening. This is what's going on. Because that also Continues to weave that that safety net around your relationship with the with this other person. Yeah, and again, it doesn't have to be a spouse It doesn't have to be I think it's just any relationship. Yeah, you know, there's just different levels like you're not gonna get on The same level in a marriage that you are with a friendship or you know, right? I think there's also other things that help create that safety net and that's you know, following through on little things that like you said you were going to do it and you did it. You know, it's not always just about communicating something. It's, know, you said you were going to show up for me ⁓ this or whatever. And you did. And those things over time create more than, I mean, they create trust, they create, you know, stability, but they also create safety. Right. I have that safety in you you're always going to be there for me no matter what. And I know that you're always going to be there for our kids no matter what, because you consistently show up in any situation, doesn't matter what it is, big or small, you know, so that is a part of our safety net is that we have always, even in the hard times, shown up for each other. It builds that, again, I go back to that foundation, right? It helps build everything that your relationship is based on and it makes it stronger over time. And it really just allows you to get through of those harder situations that you run into ⁓ life. Because who knows where I'd be if ⁓ I have felt like I could rely on you when my mom passed. Like know how I deal with things or have dealt with things in the past when I don't want to deal with things in the moment and want to numb things out. Yeah. And like the span of our relationship, you have shown me that you're somebody who's going to allow me to deal with those emotions and help me work through those emotions. Even though sometimes I'm not as forthcoming with it, just because that's just me, but you have also learned after a lot of our conversations that sometimes I just need that space to be able to ⁓ And I've learned too that there are also the ⁓ times you think You need to internally process, know, it's like, you ⁓ to let it out. You need to communicate this and get it, you know, get it out. Well, and that's part of that. instead of assuming you're trying to be curious about what's going on with me. Or if you're feeling a certain way, it's okay for me to ask, like, you all right or something going on? And that's part of our safety net. We have built that and we're able to, we feel comfortable. saying, what do you need or what do you, Well, and you remain curious, it's a lot, I spoke about this ⁓ as well before, where like easier to help somebody that tells you what they expect or what they need than to try and figure out what they need. ⁓ or just assume they know what you need. Right, because there's times when I don't, I'm honest, I don't know what you need. And it's... I have found that it's okay for me to ask, what can I do? what, what, can I do right now to help? what can we do? not with the intent to fix, although that is my first, my default, right? But being able to have you know, openness curiosity ⁓ really helps also move past of that and of those feelings that that come up in, because if I come at a situation where I'm curious instead of actively trying to solve a problem, I'm gonna approach it a different way and my emotions are gonna be a different way. So it helps me remain in a frame of mind that is more open to hearing and listening and understanding what you're trying to tell me. Yeah, because you're curious about it. Instead of. trying to respond to what you're telling me. that I think is one the factors and of the things that ⁓ a lot people... And you will find this in organizations, will find this in leadership, will find this in everyday conversations, you will find this everywhere you go, A majority of when they're talking to somebody, are listening to formulate a response. They're not always listening to understand what the other person is really saying. And... It's that just bit of curiosity that you can have about a situation that really changes that mentality. Yeah. So. I mean, obviously for us, it's, we harp on communication, but what does that communication look like? it has to be honest communication. We to be willing to ⁓ push some of the hard emotions that do come in play in some of the situations when conversations are not what we want them to be and they're difficult. But it's also about showing up in those moments when things aren't difficult. ⁓ and being able to talk through the things that aren't detrimental or hard, right? It's about being honest and intentional. the time. And that's why we say, marriage, have work to have a good marriage. Yeah. It's just something that is going to manifest. Like we have put in a lot of work to get where we are. Yeah. I mean, you have to lay that foundation. is just a part of it. Because. And fallen into this trap, right? One of the things that can easily damage that is. by me dismissing your feelings. you're coming at me with something that bothers you and me just saying, well, this isn't even a big deal. Like why are you freaking out about it? Like that threatens that safety. Yeah. It threatens the safety and it... it makes me shut down. I'm not willing to be open. Right. And you know, the other one for me, for me especially is I have a tendency to get defensive because I feel like. I'm getting attacked or, know, again, I, I fully own that I have and can have a very prideful sense. And I am, you know, I, sometimes my ego gets in the way. So I do get defensive. but. I mean, I've worked pretty hard to try and work through that. Yeah, I think we've worked together because I'm very, ⁓ my emotions into all of it, every aspect of it. And it doesn't always need, don't always need to show up that way, you know, in every conversation that we have. And so that makes me very reactive ⁓ to little thing that you say, ⁓ which to me misinterpreting how you're saying it or what you're meaning by it. You know, so I think both of us have those, emotions, those things that we have to work through to sit down and have those conversations. Right. Because that's, I mean, that, that is what ends up threatening that safety that we've built. Yeah. You know, another one that, which I don't think we have a problem with, but another one that I see pretty often is, you know, being inconsistent in how you're acting. I mean, I don't even just see that in relationship. Like I see that in leadership all day long, right? Like if you are not with the people that you are working with, especially if you're a leader or a manager or whatever you may be, right? Like if you're approaching things one way one day and one way another, and like your people have no idea, like you're not building trust. You're not building. This is very inconsistent. Right. And it leads to a lot of negative feelings. Yeah. And again, it's part of that, that emotional safety net you go, you're, that's what you're trying to build. Like you're trying to build a little bit of a safety net so that you, and spoke about this, right? Like, human nature is to ensure that the you're safe, that you are situations that are safe for you. And if not, your mind is, or whatever it may be, is going to put you in a situation where you're expecting certain outcomes. when you're approaching something inconsistently and you are not actively people to I mean, if the only thing that you're consistent in is being inconsistent. Yeah. Like people aren't gonna follow you. You're not gonna have good outcomes. And people aren't gonna trust you. No. that's, you know, on a management side and even on a relationship side, like that is not a good place to be. Because if you can't trust the person you're with, or you can't trust the people that you work with, or you can't trust, you know, it's... you're blocked off. You're in a situation where like you've got walls up around you and you're not letting people in to your your own personal safety net. So it's It's one of those things that I think it's lost, know, consistency, honesty. Yeah. And I think sometimes people think like, I did show up one time, so that should be enough, you know, or I was like this conversation that we had, it was like a big conversation and that should have set the precedent So now I don't have to be that way anymore. Or, ⁓ know, and it's not it's like I said, that's that's inconsistency. Yeah. And relationships and life just doesn't, it does not work that way. Like you have to continually show up for the people that you really truly want to show up. I mean, if you want to continue having the relationship that you have, I mean, you can have acquaintances that are that way. Yeah. But if you consider yourself, you know, a friend or like with us, if, I'm inconsistent, I, I have no expectations that you're going to feel safe in our relationship. And why would you not want that for your partner, especially? Yeah, I mean, at the end of the day, they're the one person that you have committed to and that you said you are spending rest of your life with. It's supposed be your other half. Why are you doing everything in your power to make sure that they feel safe? Right, ⁓ I want to that. safety net for you and I would I not do everything to be that safety net for you. So what does that look like real time? because we do get into situations where... I mean, people need to know what, oh, well, what do you, I mean, how, what do you mean? What are you talking about? How, how, yeah, it's, it's great for you to say that you've got all of these, these, uh, bits of information, but you guys have been together for 20 years. How do I start building on that today? Yeah. Um, You know, first things first. It's about slowing down the conversation, if it's a hard one. Yeah. Because you have to remember you're going into it with the ⁓ purpose ⁓ ⁓ guys are trying to understand each other, not I'm trying understand so that I can ⁓ counter argument. Yeah. ⁓ All I'm, I want, I need to be right ⁓ or need to fix this ⁓ or I think just slowing down and both of you realizing we're here to understand. We're here to listen. Even if there's not a resolution, we're here to listen. ⁓ okay with the fact that there will be moments when you will need to say, we need a break. don't to talk about this right now. Like you to, you have to validate that people are in the right spot to have this conversation as well. Like, That also creates that safety. You have to be okay with not finding a resolution right this second. this moment. Yeah. I mean that happened to us recently. I was in that spot where it was like I just... I'm not in the space right now that I can talk about this. Right. And like you have to be okay with that. Because that is creating that emotional safe space. allows people to breathe because I especially when like it's a tough conversation like there's a lot of emotion yeah there's a lot of unknown there's a lot of fear like you have to be able to collect yourself from that first yeah to be able to accept information yeah because it's not going to be a good communication, a good conversation if you both go in. Well, and you're just not gonna... Just guns blazing I mean, essentially you're breaking rule one, right? Because you're not gonna go in with the intent to listen. No. You're going in with the intent to counter the argument. Yeah. Like, it's a... that... that point, it's a debate. Like, you guys are debating who is right, who is wrong. Right. Why my point of view is important than your point of view? Why, you know? So, it starts down all of those walls. I'll be honest, like that was one of the hardest ones for us to learn. Yeah. It's still hard. Yeah. We still have moments where we run into it and it's like, we cannot, we can't continue this conversation. This conversation is going nowhere. We need to stop. that's okay. Like we've had to learn that that's okay. Because at the end of the day, I don't even know that we even finished those conversations because they didn't matter at the end of the day. And so I think that realizing that as well, even, know, because sometimes I still think about that if we have to have the conversations. It's like, now I I can just sit and think like, is this going to be something that matters at the end of the day? know, and it kind of gives me like, I'm not so emotionally charged going into it because it's I don't know. mean, ⁓ it's probably yeah, we need to talk about, but is it such a big deal or is it just my emotions are ramped up in the moment? ⁓ Yeah, because the situation or whatever, or even for me. do I want to continue this conversation because I was caught off guard and now I'm defensive. Right. Right. So like I am playing defense the whole time. I can be constructive. Yeah. Where I can even listen to the situation because it's not even like at this point, I'm just trying to figure out where did all this come from? But yeah. And I think too, ⁓ we've had couple of moments, I think in our really hard conversations where we've had to just pause. in the middle of it, you know, when it's, when it's, it's hard and emotions are high and know, you're really trying to work through something. ⁓ pause, pause and reset, set whatever that looks like. You know, I know that we've paused and we've just sat there and cuddled for a second, like ⁓ just of pause and reconnect for a moment. And that can reset you, it can reset your state of mind. Well, and to your point, like, is it something that needs attention? And gonna be some of those. That's not to say that there's gonna be some of those. It's not that it's always gonna be something that, but even in the situations where you need a resolution like right now, like, it's still better to pause for a moments. Collect yourself. as much of the high stress and ⁓ emotions out of it so that you can listen and you can understand the other person is coming from and what is driving the conversation. Like they may be telling you something, but is the conversation coming from fear? Is it coming from sadness? Is it coming from, you know, what, and what is driving that emotion? Because I know like, for us, a lot of the conversations that spark us recently is fear. They're fear driven. And... Like it's taken me a minute to realize that, it's just, she's scared and I need to make her feel more safe. Right. And I think that's a big thing for me that has helped me feel even more safe is that you validate it for me. You know, you validate and you don't dismiss. You validate. I understand that this is a real fear for you. You know, like I, I, I validate it. I understand that this is a, even though I don't understand the fear, even though you don't understand where it comes from or why you still validate that it is a true fear for me. And so that helps me feel safe in not so charged in that moment. Well, and it's, it back to that. Presence, right? Presence creates safety. validation of that, ⁓ am not necessarily validating that I understand or that you're right or that the situation is what it is or anything like that, right? Like I am validating that on emotional level, I connect with you and I understand that you are scared and I am here as the to make sure that I can do whatever I can to calm that fear. And again, it's gonna be different for everybody and different for every circumstance. But that is just a quick example from ⁓ of what that looks like. ⁓ okay to pause. It's okay to... step away for a minute. It's okay to not repair the situation right in the moment. But it's also okay to say, okay, we need a resolution. reset and continue this conversation. Yeah. And I think it's also okay to, you know, ⁓ don't know that we've ever, maybe we have. I mean, we've talked about it, but before even start the conversation, ⁓ you have to go all in right away. Start your with. this is going to be a hard conversation, but know that I love you know that, you know, we're here. We're still, you know, in this together. ⁓ You're going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. Which that part of the, that non-negotiables, right? Like when we finally did get some clarity enough to say like, no, we need ground rules to have these conversations. Yeah. That's what that looks like for us is like, okay, well, at the end of the day, regardless of what happens in this conversation, we're still like, you better get over it, because I'm still cuddling you at night. Right. And we know that because we've established those. But if you're just starting and you're trying to build that safety, like it's okay to start your hard conversation that way. Right. Like go into it and just, yeah, we need to talk about this. But first of all, Like this is where I'm coming from. This is not intended for any other reason than to try still love you. Like we're just having a conversation. Right. Because- People have to understand that. And your partner needs to understand that. Like, even if... which again, we have had that where like for a long time, disagreement felt like disconnect. Yeah. And the fear that came with that disconnect of, know, what does that mean for us? Right. And our relationship. But like, it's okay to not agree on everything. It's okay to... like both of you mess up with the understanding that you're gonna back together. I mean, in 20 years, ⁓ we've come back together. And we been through a lot. mean, it's not, again, it hasn't always been ⁓ what it today. We have a really good relationship today. We have really good, honest conversations today. ⁓ And I we still have moments where that... the dark creeps in a little bit, but... Yeah, I mean, just because you have good communication doesn't mean you're not gonna have hard times. Right. You know, like life is just life. You're always gonna have hard times. You're always gonna have those emotional or things that happen in your life or your relationship or things that come up. But, you know... having that communication and that safety is going to make it so much easier to get through. and what keeps you together when things get overwhelming for you both. That's sustains that, is that initial foundation that got built through trust and through honesty and through communication and through, you know, ⁓ respect the other person. Yeah. being able to respect your partner's point of view, their values, all of it. It all ties into... when things get hard that that is what you lean into the most. Yeah, you rely on that foundation. And like we said, for us, ⁓ got such a strong foundation now that we know our non-negotiables. We know the things that aren't in the cards, aren't on the table. again, like I said, at the end the day, say what you got to say, do what you got to do, but ⁓ best know that we're cuddling before bed. Yeah, I think now it's more of we know that the hard moments are going to come, but the conversation doesn't have to be hard. Right. You know, and I think that's where we're at now. But we had a long road to get there because we just. Everything it was hard, you know, and it have to be. Once you start building that foundation and you have that safety net and you have that. trust and respect and you can approach those conversations in different ways. conversations don't have to be hard. The moments will always be. They'll always be those. I mean, to your point, that's just life, right? Life has its ups and downs. It has its good moments and bad moments. it is how you those moments and the choices that ⁓ you make how you react to those moments that makes the difference. And then that has what has made the biggest difference for us is that we finally got to a point where we chose we're not going to do that anymore. Yeah. It's yeah. for us, ⁓ for the choice is we're going to, we're going to not fight each other. We're going to take the problem and look at it together and find a way to find a resolution. Sometimes that really is just, we're just. It is what it is, we just don't agree. And that's okay. So. You know, and hopefully you guys gained a little bit of insight. Like I say, I ⁓ I don't imagine everybody's going to agree with what we have to say. but it has worked for us and it is one of those things that has really just exponentially improved our relationship and made more connected and more ⁓ in line with each on a wavelength that really has allowed us to take our relationship to another level. that we think is worth sharing with others. with that, we you guys a blessed week. Please, please keep sharing your light with others. And we'll you on the next one.