Latest / Speaking of Meaning / Best Moments: Confidence, Influence, and Personal Power in the Workplace | Chris Lipp

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Best Moments: Confidence, Influence, and Personal Power in the Workplace | Chris Lipp · Speaking of Meaning

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Personal power is a belief in our own capability to create impact.
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  So it's a belief,
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  it's an unconscious belief,
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  and it's very similar to self-esteem.
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  SPEAKER_01: And when we have a belief that we can create impact,
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  we speak in a certain way that's very different than if we
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  don't have a strong
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  SPEAKER_01: belief about that.
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  And the words we use,
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  the way we speak,
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  the way we hold our boundaries,
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  all change.
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  SPEAKER_01: And as a result of that,
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  SPEAKER_01: we tend to be much more persuasive,
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  SPEAKER_01: much more leaderly,
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  SPEAKER_01: much more,
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  SPEAKER_01: people would say,
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  SPEAKER_01: confident and trustworthy.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it's related to self-esteem, basically, right?
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  In some ways,
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  you could say personal power is one of the foundations of
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  self-esteem,
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  100%.
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  SPEAKER_01: So if we're going to get jumping right into power,
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  I think one of the biggest challenges people face with their
• 0:43
  personal power is
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  SPEAKER_01: seeking it externally.
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  SPEAKER_01: So for example, for external validation and
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  SPEAKER_01: The way this shows up,
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  SPEAKER_01: I think,
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  in people's careers is we tend to work with people in a way
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  where we're trying to
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  SPEAKER_01: get them to like us.
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  Like this desire for likability in order for our colleagues to
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  work with us,
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  right?
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  SPEAKER_01: And if they don't like us, they won't work with us.
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  And so we sometimes bend over backwards even to seek their
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  validation at some level
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  SPEAKER_01: so that we can succeed at our own job.
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  SPEAKER_01: Even our boss is particularly our boss, right?
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  How much do you want your boss to like you so that you get the
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  promotion or at
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  SPEAKER_01: least you don't get fired?
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  SPEAKER_01: Ironically,
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  SPEAKER_01: though,
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  it is in the very validation seeking that we are most likely to
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  underperform and to
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  SPEAKER_01: not be supported.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the biggest challenges,
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  SPEAKER_01: I think,
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  for somebody who's developing their personal power is they have
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  to take the very
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  anxiety producing step of stepping away from seeking liking and
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  stepping into
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  SPEAKER_01: building relationships through respect.
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  SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
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  SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
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  SPEAKER_01: And respect is not, you know, being hard or soft.
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  It has nothing really to do with,
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  you know,
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  it has nothing to do with that.
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  SPEAKER_01: It has nothing to do with dominance or servant leadership.
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  SPEAKER_01: It has a lot more to do with, again, this belief in how
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  SPEAKER_01: How much power do we think we have in the world?
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  And when we feel like we have a lot of power,
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  we act much more goal in the world.
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  And when we feel like we have a lot of power,
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  we act much more goal focused.
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  We're much more open to also working with other people towards
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  goals versus being
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  SPEAKER_01: consumed with comparing ourselves,
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  SPEAKER_01: whether we're better or worse or trying to vie for power in some way.
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  SPEAKER_01: Those are just not those are not powerful behaviors.
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  SPEAKER_00: Mm hmm.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it's not about chasing,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's more about,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  that I want them to approve of myself and I want to get
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  something out of that
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  SPEAKER_00: relationship.
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  SPEAKER_01: You're absolutely right.
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  SPEAKER_00: In fact,
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  SPEAKER_01: the definition,
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  kind of the simplest definition I've ever got that contrasts a
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  high-power person
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  SPEAKER_01: versus a low-power person,
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  SPEAKER_01: high-power people are focused on their own goals.
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  SPEAKER_01: Low-power people are focused on the approval of others.
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  SPEAKER_01: Period.
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  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're,
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  SPEAKER_01: let's say you're in this position right now,
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  SPEAKER_01: you know,
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  SPEAKER_01: I don't know,
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  SPEAKER_01: you know,
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  SPEAKER_01: you had some listeners here,
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  but maybe you're going through a tough time in your
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  relationship and you're scared.
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  I mean,
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  who wouldn't be scared if the relationship was starting to
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  teeter?
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  And if you react to anxiety and you try to seek approval of
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  your partner by doing
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  SPEAKER_01: things like buying them flowers and stuff for approval seeking,
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  you're actually going to appear maybe a little less weak or a
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  little more weak.
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  SPEAKER_01: But let's say you do those same actions,
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  SPEAKER_01: you're setting up dates out,
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  SPEAKER_01: you're buying flowers,
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  but you're doing it because you care about the relationship and
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  you want to
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  SPEAKER_01: demonstrate the relationship as an important goal for you.
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  You will do those same behaviors with a different energy that
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  makes all the
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  SPEAKER_01: difference in attraction.
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  So what I hear you say is people pick up on that energy on your
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  intention.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
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  SPEAKER_01: For example,
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  one of the most powerful things you can do to show your power
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  to other people is to
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  SPEAKER_01: take accountability.
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  Taking accountability is an affirmation of the power you have
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  in the world.
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  SPEAKER_01: It means I'm responsible for this.
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  SPEAKER_01: And if I'm responsible for this, I have power over this.
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  SPEAKER_01: Conversely, people tend to see, well, I don't want to have failure.
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  SPEAKER_01: So rather than assign myself,
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  SPEAKER_01: like let's say you run a project at work and it fails,
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  SPEAKER_01: you might just want to distance yourself from that.
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  SPEAKER_01: Very logical.
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  SPEAKER_01: But here's the problem.
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  SPEAKER_01: If you start to blame the failure of that project on something else,
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  SPEAKER_01: like the client or other colleagues and things,
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  your blame indicates to whomever you're speaking to that that
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  person or those
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  SPEAKER_01: people had power,
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  SPEAKER_01: not you.
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  Because that which affects the success or failure of something
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  is the power.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so when you blame, you're saying, I didn't have any power over this.
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  SPEAKER_01: Somebody else did.
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  SPEAKER_01: And if you do,
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  SPEAKER_01: and there's a lot of research that shows,
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  SPEAKER_01: for example,
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  SPEAKER_01: managers who blame failures on others,
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  SPEAKER_01: including their team or their clients,
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  SPEAKER_01: are seen as much weaker and trusted much less than managers who are like,
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  SPEAKER_01: yeah,
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  SPEAKER_01: that's my failure.
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  SPEAKER_01: I totally own that.
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  SPEAKER_01: Those managers are respected more and trusted more.
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  SPEAKER_01: And I think trust is such an important thing.
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  SPEAKER_01: You think even relationships, trust is so critical.
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  SPEAKER_01: And when you blame, you're saying I have no power over something.
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  And when you say I have no power over something,
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  other people cannot trust you.
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  It's just there's no basis for trust because you literally have
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  no ability to take ownership.
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  SPEAKER_01: You see that?
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  This is very interesting because in your book you actually
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  write that blame is low
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  SPEAKER_00: power behavior.
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  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
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  SPEAKER_01: There are four horsemen.
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  SPEAKER_01: I call them the four horsemen of personal power.
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  SPEAKER_01: If you want to be powerful,
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  if you want to be one of these people who walk into a room and
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  everybody's like,
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  SPEAKER_01: that guy's a star or that woman's a star.
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  SPEAKER_01: You know,
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  SPEAKER_01: you want to be the person in a relationship like you're respected,
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  SPEAKER_01: you're loved,
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  SPEAKER_01: you're valued.
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  SPEAKER_01: You need to have that personal power.
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  SPEAKER_01: Again,
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  it's a personal quality and it's what makes people attractive
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  professionally and
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  SPEAKER_01: personally.
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  SPEAKER_01: And there are four horsemen to really destroying your personal power.
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  SPEAKER_01: There are four ways that you can kill it.
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  SPEAKER_01: One, blame.
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  SPEAKER_01: Anytime you blame again, you just show powerlessness.
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  SPEAKER_01: Number two is to react.
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  So if you're reacting to other people rather than focused on
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  your own goals.
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  SPEAKER_01: Three is you got to take action.
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  SPEAKER_01: So people who deliberate too much and they never take action,
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  SPEAKER_01: they're very chronic procrastinators,
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  SPEAKER_01: they're not seen as powerful because powerful people have action.
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  SPEAKER_01: They take action in the world.
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  SPEAKER_01: So blame, action, reaction.
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  SPEAKER_01: The fourth is
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  SPEAKER_01: Proving.
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  Proving is a very low power behavior because it means the other
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  person has the
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  SPEAKER_01: power to evaluate you and they're making the choice.
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  SPEAKER_01: And this is why where we come back to relationships, right?
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  SPEAKER_01: If you're buying flowers and you're trying to prove to your wife,
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  SPEAKER_01: you know,
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  SPEAKER_01: that you're a good person,
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  SPEAKER_01: you're kind of on the losing ground because you're,
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  SPEAKER_01: you're not saying you're strong.
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  SPEAKER_01: You're saying I need approval.
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  If you were to speak to an executive or somebody who's above
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  you in leadership,
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  SPEAKER_01: their perspective is naturally bigger,
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  SPEAKER_01: right?
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  SPEAKER_01: You are part of a project, they're bigger goals, right?
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  You're a piece in their puzzle and they're a piece in somebody
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  else's puzzle.
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  And the closer you,
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  the higher you get,
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  the more view you have up the mountain,
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  right?
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  SPEAKER_01: As you say,
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  SPEAKER_01: and you look down at the valley and you can see more,
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  SPEAKER_01: you can see more how pieces operate until you,
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  SPEAKER_01: you know,
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  SPEAKER_01: imagine like a NASA astronaut who's just outside looking at the earth,
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  you see the whole planet and you really understand how humans
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  all are connected.
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  SPEAKER_01: But as you go way in,
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  SPEAKER_01: you see nations,
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  SPEAKER_01: you see borders,
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  SPEAKER_01: and then you even see how your neighbors are different than you,
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  SPEAKER_01: or how some different political parties.
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  SPEAKER_01: There's a distance that gives you perspective.
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  And so what research has found is that people who tend to be
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  lower power tend to
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  SPEAKER_01: have very,
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  SPEAKER_01: they're focused very precisely on things in front of them,
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  SPEAKER_01: very concrete issues,
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  SPEAKER_01: like we need to get
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  this piece working,
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  you know,
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  imagine a mechanic in a car like this,
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  this is not operating.
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  SPEAKER_01: We need to replace,
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  SPEAKER_01: you know,
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  SPEAKER_01: the engine or the,
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  SPEAKER_01: the starter or people who have that kind of granular level,
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  SPEAKER_01: super important.
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  You know,
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  I was,
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  I was an engineer before I became,
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  before I moved into communication.
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  SPEAKER_01: And that is what engineering is.
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  You're tackling very difficult,
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  complex technical problems that require a lot of focus.
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  And so there's nothing,
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  there's nothing inherently wrong with having very strong focus,
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  but
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  What differentiates a leader according to the science and
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  according to the stories
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  that I've collected over the years of executives is the ability
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  to step back from
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  that technical detail and just see how that is a part of a
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  larger picture within
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  SPEAKER_01: the organization.
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  SPEAKER_01: And this is what science has shown.
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  Science has shown in research and psychology that people who
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  speak more concretely,
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  SPEAKER_01: meaning speaking about tangible things,
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  SPEAKER_01: are seen as less powerful than those who speak more abstractly.
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  So somebody who speaks about,
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  hey,
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  is it illegal to cross the street on a red light?
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  SPEAKER_01: Let's say you want to just jaywalk across the street, right?
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  Somebody who's talking about the law at that level is not seen
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  as somebody who's as
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  powerful as somebody who's speaking about justice and equality
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  and fairness for
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  SPEAKER_01: every individual within the country.
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  SPEAKER_01: Words, we start to take control of our own mindset.
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  So we can plug those holes so that we're no longer diminishing
• 9:01
  our power.
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  SPEAKER_01: There are certainly things we can do to enhance our personal power.
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  One of my favorite psychologists is a guy by the name of
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  Nathaniel Brandon,
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  SPEAKER_01: who's considered the grandfather of the self-esteem movement.
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  SPEAKER_01: He lived in the middle of the 20th century.
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  SPEAKER_01: It was mainly his main time of success.
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  SPEAKER_01: And he probably passed away 10 or 15 years ago now.
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  He described self-esteem in a way that I would describe
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  personal power as well.
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  SPEAKER_01: He said,
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  your self-esteem is an unconscious computer that is always
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  calculating based on
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  SPEAKER_01: your behaviors whether to increase or decrease your self-esteem.
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  SPEAKER_01: And you can't get around it.
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  SPEAKER_01: If you lie, you know you lied.
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  And so your self-esteem will actually go down even if you get
• 9:49
  total success in the
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  SPEAKER_01: external world.
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  So I really like that because what he's saying is self-esteem
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  is something you
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  SPEAKER_01: control,
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  SPEAKER_01: but it's not in your direct control.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's your indirect control.
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  The way you behave,
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  the way you speak,
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  these things affect your self-esteem.
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  SPEAKER_01: And personal power is the same thing.
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  It's an experience that lives and is calculated through our
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  unconscious mind,
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  but through our consciousness we can very much trigger it to be
• 10:20
  more or less
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  SPEAKER_01: powerful.
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  SPEAKER_01: About action.
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  So this is responsibility we know,
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  but action we haven't talked about much.
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  SPEAKER_01: They asked people to come in and they said,
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  SPEAKER_01: hey,
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  SPEAKER_01: what's a big decision that you've been procrastinating on?
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  SPEAKER_01: And it could be like,
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  SPEAKER_01: take a job or leave a job or,
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  SPEAKER_01: you know,
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  SPEAKER_01: start or get married or get a divorce,
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  SPEAKER_01: you know,
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  SPEAKER_01: in a relationship.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's like huge decisions.
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  SPEAKER_01: Like, what's a big decision you're procrastinating on making?
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  Everybody kind of knows what they should do,
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  but,
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  you know,
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  it's not always pleasant or easy.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so, okay, and then they had him flip a coin.
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  SPEAKER_01: They said,
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  SPEAKER_01: if it turns out heads,
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  you're going to promise yourself and us that you're going to do
• 10:56
  exactly what you're
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: just going to step out of here and you're just going to do it.
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  SPEAKER_01: No more hesitation.
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  SPEAKER_01: If it's tails, you can do whatever you want.
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  SPEAKER_01: So however many people did the study, right?
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  They all flipped the coins and,
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  you know,
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  half of them got heads,
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  half got tails.
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  SPEAKER_01: They left.
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  SPEAKER_01: And then the experimenters followed up with them later, six months later.
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  And they asked him,
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  well,
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  did you,
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  if you flipped heads,
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  did you take action?
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  SPEAKER_01: And, you know,
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  SPEAKER_01: The majority of people,
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  SPEAKER_01: it might have been 80%,
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  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if it was the act amount,
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  but the majority of people who flipped heads actually did make
• 11:25
  the action and did
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  SPEAKER_01: whatever they did.
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  SPEAKER_01: And the majority of tails actually were still procrastinating.
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  SPEAKER_01: And then they said they measured their happiness.
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  SPEAKER_01: And by and large, everybody who had taken action was significant.
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  Those people who took action were significantly more happy than
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  those people who
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  SPEAKER_01: did not take action.
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  And that has nothing to do with whether they took the right
• 11:46
  action or not,
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  right?
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  SPEAKER_01: Who knows how often it was really the right decision to do something.
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  SPEAKER_01: But it wasn't whether they did the right thing or not.
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  SPEAKER_01: It was taking the action itself that created the sense of
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  SPEAKER_01: Happiness, right?
• 11:59
  It's because they were,
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  my explanation is that they were tapped into their personal
• 12:04
  power.
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  Personal power gives us optimism,
• 12:05
  it gives us fulfillment,
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  it gives us happiness.
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  SPEAKER_01: Tapping into not being their power,
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  SPEAKER_01: for example,
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  SPEAKER_01: long-term chronic procrastination,
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  SPEAKER_01: these things,
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  SPEAKER_01: you're in your low power mindset,
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  SPEAKER_01: which is connected to anxiety and fear and these things.
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  You see,
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  so it's,
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  I think so much,
• 12:18
  again,
• 12:19
  it's not about the win or lose,
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  it's about the doing.
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  It's not about the win or the lose,
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  it's about the holding yourself responsible for it.
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  These are where you get your sense of personal power and this
• 12:29
  is where people get
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  SPEAKER_01: their sense of trust and respect from you.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's a certain uncertainty to success or failure, right?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: When you try something new.
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  SPEAKER_01: I was just talking,
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  SPEAKER_01: for example,
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  SPEAKER_01: to my students a few weeks ago,
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: business students,
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: undergraduate business students.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: How many of them have imposter syndrome?
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  How many of them have felt like they'd been in a situation
• 12:58
  where they didn't belong,
• 13:00
  right?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't earn it.
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  SPEAKER_01: Somehow they just, they got in, but they don't deserve it.
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  SPEAKER_01: And every hand in the room went up.
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  SPEAKER_01: I always have them look around to see that they're not alone.
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  SPEAKER_01: They see everybody else's hand,
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  SPEAKER_01: And then I share with them,
• 13:18
  one of the challenges with imposter syndrome is that you're in
• 13:22
  a high level of
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: uncertainty.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: You have essentially stretched your boundaries so far that you're like,
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: wow,
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: how did I end up here?
• 13:30
  And usually it's a good thing,
• 13:31
  otherwise you wouldn't be feeling like an imposter.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: So you're in this new place and you have all this uncertainty.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: Am I qualified?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Do I belong?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: You don't really know the lay of the land because everything's new.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: you tend to do a few things.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: Humans tend to do a few things when they feel imposter syndrome.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: One is they tend to look outside for external validation.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Very frightening, right?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: When you have uncertainty,
• 13:54
  you start to just ask other people and you're kind of giving
• 13:56
  away your power.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: You can see that, right?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because suddenly you're depending on others to make you feel welcome.
• 14:02
  And another way that's really tragic is either they don't try
• 14:06
  this in your case and
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: don't try or,
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: or,
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: they're in that uncertain imposter syndrome and they're in that place of
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: uncertainty.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes they sabotage themselves.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: They're in a relationship where they're like,
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: I can't imagine,
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: I could never believe I was with this person.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it's perfect.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: And then they do something to destroy the relationship.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: They sleep with somebody.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: I can't believe I did that.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: Later on, they just can't understand it.
• 14:27
  Or they quit a job that they were immensely qualified for,
• 14:30
  but just felt so much anxiety.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I mentioned Nathaniel Brandon earlier about self-esteem.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: And he had another quote.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: I really like his research.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: He had another quote, which he said,
• 14:44
  something about the idea that people who are really
• 14:47
  uncomfortable with uncertainty
• 14:48
  will sabotage themselves in order to regain the comfort they
• 14:51
  had playing small.
• 14:55
  So I think one of the greatest indicators of your power is your
• 15:01
  ability to stand in
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: the face of uncertainty and not flinch.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: And how do you do that?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well,
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: One is just straight up grit and tolerance.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Okay,
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: that's not a permanent solution,
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: but it's something that definitely is a powerful thing to do.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: Just things will always work themselves out.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Don't sabotage it.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: But number two is what you did,
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: which is you really had a clean goal that you were working towards.
• 15:34
  And you didn't know whether success or failure was going to be
• 15:37
  the outcome,
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: but that was irrelevant to pursuing the goal.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: And when we think about back to personal power,
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: personal power differentiates high power from low power.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: High power people focus on their own goals.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: Low power people focus on the approval of others.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so if we think we will be paralyzed in low power, right?
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: Non-action,
• 16:00
  we will be paralyzed if we're always concerned with whether
• 16:03
  other people will
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: approve or like what we're doing.
• 16:07
  But if we're just like,
• 16:08
  you know,
• 16:08
  this is a goal,
• 16:10
  who knows what's going to happen?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's power.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Authenticity is foundational to personal power.
• 16:22
  They did research out of UC Berkeley where they found that
• 16:25
  those who feel more
• 16:26
  powerful are more authentic and those who are seen as more
• 16:29
  authentic are perceived
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: to be more powerful by others.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: If we think about,
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: ultimately when we're inauthentic,
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: our focus is being liked or approved of by other people.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: Why else would we be inauthentic?
• 16:41
  Whereas when we're authentic,
• 16:42
  we're really self-expression,
• 16:45
  which is focused on our own goals.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: But I really like,
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: there's this,
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: Jeffrey Pfeffer is this guy who studies,
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: he's written a lot of books and he's at Stanford.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: So his whole thing is don't be authentic.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like authenticity is,
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: he doesn't say it's authenticity for losers,
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: but he's basically saying it doesn't necessarily serve your highest good.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: when you're seeking power within an organization.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: So there's this big conundrum, right?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because you've got research that says authenticity is good.
• 17:05
  And on the other side,
• 17:06
  you got these experts who are saying authenticity is a risk.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that a lot of the,
• 17:10
  I think a lot of the conflict around authenticity is that there
• 17:15
  is no clear
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: definition of what authenticity is.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: I see authenticity as a self-expression of our own values and goals.
• 17:28
  So it's communication or behavior in pursuit of our own values
• 17:32
  and goals.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: And,
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: the,
• 17:36
  the contrast to that is somebody who let's say that you're into
• 17:41
  somebody who's,
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: who's low power,
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: who's very distracted by,
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: by other people's opinions.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: I always think it does person like me.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: Does that person like me?
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, those would not necessarily be their own goals.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: They would just be seeking approval, uh, which is not a high power goals.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: It is the definition of a low power behavior.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: So why am I bringing all this up?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because people confuse authenticity with transparency.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: Transparency is what you're feeling right now in the moment.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, let me just share my unfiltered stuff, right?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not authenticity.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know,
• 18:14
  you can have a lot of thoughts that are not who you are or
• 18:17
  represent your values or
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: goals,
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: like errant,
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: impulsive thoughts.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: Is that who you are?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't say that's who you authentically are, you know?
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: So don't be transparent.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's unnecessary and even irrelevant in a lot of contexts.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: Be authentic.
• 18:38
  Authentic means look at what goal of yours is best served in
• 18:43
  the situation you're
• 18:44
  in and how can you best serve that goal through your behavior
• 18:47
  and communication.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: You need to say that again.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds good.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Authenticity is
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: Looking at the situation you're in and determining what is the best,
• 19:02
  your most important goal for that situation and how can you
• 19:04
  best pursue that goal
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: through your behavior and communication in that situation.
• 19:08
  Then you are being authentic and true to who you are,
• 19:10
  which is your values and goals.
• 19:17
  Coming back to something we talked at the very beginning and
• 19:20
  something I see in so
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: many of my students and my clients
• 19:26
  Biggest change that you can make into stepping from where you
• 19:31
  are in your personal
• 19:32
  power today to a higher level is to let go of the validation
• 19:37
  seeking and to really
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: focus on the goal.
• 19:41
  Whether that's at work to build relationships with your
• 19:44
  colleagues or your higher
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: level ups,
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: whether that's in your relationship,
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: whether that's with your friends or a club or a group or a team.
• 19:55
  Taking the plunge of stepping away saying I'm no longer going
• 19:58
  to focus on what
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: other people think of me.
• 20:00
  I'm just going to focus on the goals that I have or that I
• 20:04
  share with these people
• 20:06
  and do my best efforts to communicate my service towards those
• 20:10
  goals is going to be
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: not just a game changer for you in that context,
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: that situation,
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: but it would be a life changer in your experience.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be plugging into yourself.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so as the city councilwoman said,
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: if you want to be of service to the world,
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: make your motto.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: My goal is not, I'm not here to serve.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not here to be liked by you.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm here to serve you.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not here to be liked.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm here to serve.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: And everybody will like you as a consequence of that.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're not seeking validation.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Speaking of Meaning.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: If today's episode helped you seek communication in a new way,
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: share it with someone you care about,
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: a friend,
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: a partner or a colleague who wants to grow.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: And don't forget to follow the podcast so you never miss an episode.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Ibrahim.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, better communication, greater impact.