Latest / Kaleidoscope - Perspectives Beyond The Surface / Kaleidoscope PBTS: E1 | Conversations on Creativity, Identity & Miserliness

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Kaleidoscope PBTS: E1 | Conversations on Creativity, Identity & Miserliness · Kaleidoscope - Perspectives Beyond The Surface

• Kaleidoscope Episode 1 - Creativity | Misanthropy | Miserlyness 00:00:00 Unknown: I'm going to start. Welcome to the Kaleidoscope podcast where we explore the art of growth and the beauty of being yourself. Join us for genuine conversations with everyday people as we dive into their unique perspectives. Ask the deep questions and uncover stories of authenticity and transformation. I'm Ruby Rae Liu and today my two colleagues Luigi and Patrick join us. Hi. Hi. The premise of this podcast is um, we are going to Say a phrase or a little paragraph. Luigi, I have yours. You have it? Yeah, it's in the group. I'll read it for you. Okay. It might have been a troll one. No way. I'll use it. It's all real, baby. If I said it. I can't find it. It's gone. That sucks. It's here somewhere, but there's too much bullshit. I really need the content. I'll start learning group. So I didn't post anything. No. I had really good ideas too. You have to believe me. We need one. We need something. Okay. I'll do one. I'll do mine. You guys can ask me questions. Yeah. I'll find it. I'll find it. This. Oh my God. All my life I wanted to work creatively and now I feel like I'm finally taking the initiative to do so for myself. It might fail miserably, but I refuse to believe that. Interesting. Um. I think that, I, I wasn't planning on, on saying this, but I, to, if you don't know, I'm trans, I'm a trans girl. And, um, I think that. The last time I was truly creative was just before puberty. And when I switched over, when my body started harnessing that hormone, I just kind of died. My creative, it was still there. But it became dependent on other things. It wasn't internal anymore. And when I started, when I started estrogen three months ago, it felt like everything started switching on again. Interesting. Um, do you think that some of it's not just biological but environmental? Like, uh, for me, I was really creative about the same time. Yeah. When I was ten eleven and then I went to a school where I kind of felt like it was... Embarrassing or bad to be different or be creative? No, I don't think so because during, during um, During high school I did a lot of poetry and that was a very toxic, I went to an all boys school, the same school Elon Musk went to. There's a bomb for you, asshole. And so it was pretty toxically masculine. Um, I, I thrived in that school. I did, I did pretty well. I enjoyed myself. I never, I wasn't, Like super social. I was one of the geeks. And one of the things that really affected me, I feel like was. Not being able to stay focused. I was still like, I was still able to paint. And this is a, like a big egg thing. The painting that I've spent the most time on in my life. Was a trans girl that I, I had, she had sent me a photo and I painted her. Really? Yeah. When, when did you meet this person? Um, I met her. Three years, four years ago. Okay. Yeah. Just online. Right. Yeah. Um, so for me, yeah, I went to an all-boys school. Uh, I'm sure it's pretty similar. And... Yeah, I was like a jock. Uh, I played in the rugby team. I was good at rugby. Uh, I was good at fighting. I, anyone who, who picked a fight with me, I would, I would sort out. Um, and then I just kind of got sick of it after two years. I got sick of the, The machismo and the, the just, the, the threats of violence and if you didn't stand up for yourself, uh, all the time then you'd kind of get, yeah, it was just awful. Really fascistic, you know, um, and So I turned into a geek after two years. I started playing Dungeons and Dragons. I grew my hair longer. Uh, didn't hang out with my jock friends anymore. I stopped playing rugby. I was kind of happier. You weren't afraid they were gonna fuck you up? Oh, I got in way more fights. I got in way more fights. The fights just, just started. You put a fucking bullseye. Yeah, pretty much. And then I left, I left that school and changed schools and the new school was, uh, co-ed, much happier. I think I would have been better in a co-ed school as well. I was in a co-ed school and then moved to boys high. Actually, there was no space for me in that. Um, but my brother got a space and then the. The headmaster was like, uh, don't have space, but I like you. So he's a really good guy. I think he passed away a couple of years ago, unfortunately. Yeah. Education. I think that, that, that environment. Like, I kind of wonder what effect that had on you. Because being in that formative stage and environment which is kind of toxically masculine, I still think back to it. I think it had effects on me. Oh, definitely. Yeah. It had effects on me the way I see bullying. I really hate bullying. Um, I saw some terrible, terrible things. And a lot of the time I just kind of. Didn't join in so much, but let it happen and watched. And I still feel bad about those things. I think it held me back like big time. And I think I would have, I would have realized, um, that I'm trans way earlier. Like there was, there were looking back now, it's obvious, like hindsight. Uh, a lot of people think, I think, I think a lot of people think that's not true, but when I look back, I'm just like, yeah, you were obviously Obviously trans. I think I might have tried to dress on once or twice. There was, uh, like, times when we were going to parties and we were dressing up like ladies, but it was always just a bit of a joke. It wasn't like, it didn't, it didn't feel like, oh, this is what I should be doing. It was like, ah, we're having fun. Yeah, for me it was, the first time I cross-dressed was like a formative explosion. Like I was, oh, oh my god. I can remember when I was young, I had a friend, he... asked my other friend and I to dress him up. He wanted to dress up as a woman and he wanted us to take pictures of him. It was, it wasn't like a joke. It was a very serious thing. And then we, we only did it once and we never spoke about it again. It's true. We would have been about eleven or twelve Yeah. Yeah. Do the photos exist? Well, they might because they were digital on a computer. The first time, the first time that I dressed up as a like semi-mature Person was also super fun for me. Yeah. But I wrote it off. It was the Spar Ladies fun run. It's a, like a convenience store in South Africa. And. They, the only way that you could run if you were a man was to dress up. And I dressed up in one of my friend's sister's mini skirts and tops. And it was the best run I ever had. It was the fastest I ran. We finished, we finished the 5k in, uh, nineteen minutes. That's really good. How fast can you run, yeah? Uh, I think my fastest 5k time was about eighteen minutes something. That's fast. But that is, that's like, You, you, you, it's a sprint the whole day. Yeah. Uh, nowadays I would be happy with thirty minutes. If I can. Yeah. So, your question for me. Okay. Um, So do you think when, okay, you said when you were young, all of the kind of like creativity was. Like, yeah, during, during puberty it kind of died away. Do you think that's because, because I feel like a lot of kids go through this. Like, we're, when we're young, we're allowed to be creative, let's say. And so, that, that's kind of, It's, I don't know, I don't want to say shame, but like pushed out of you. Like time to be serious. I think really the education system It has a huge effect on that. Right, and so when you get older, class is like, whatever, creative writing, drama. They're not taken as seriously as, you know, the STEM subjects, all that nonsense, so. I mean, for me personally, I can say, Growing up, like I was very, very creative and I liked the arts, but the older I got, it was more like the feeling of dread was put in me to pursue those things. Oh, you're not going to have a job. You're not going to have a good life. You got to be an engineer, businessman or scientist. And that, truthfully, still, uh, I have a bias about it. Like, it still affects me today. Like, I'm not enough because I'm not an engineer. I'm not enough because I'm not an engineer. I still think that. For me, it's the opposite. Like, I had this huge When I was applying for university, I wanted to study digital art. Yeah. And my mom was like, no, you have to go into business. Right. Yeah. So I ended up doing communication management and I wish I never did. I wish I did digital art. I still, I still did what I wanted to do but I'm just like, oh, it's not gonna work out but I still did it and like with the expectation that well, I'm fucked. I fucked myself up. Screwed myself over. I'm still gonna do it. Uh, I think I had such a bad time in high school Like. I was really good when I was like ten eleven top of the class. I'm kind of naturally clever, but I don't try so hard. That was what all my reports read. And uh, Then I just kind of stopped trying through high school, I think. I just kind of just didn't see the point. Uh, probably went to the wrong school, maybe. But, um, when it comes to being creative, I don't really think it's stopped me. But I could have done more, maybe. Like, I'm still creative, like, teaching's good. You get to be pretty creative with teaching. Um, cooking, I did that for a while. You get to be creative. Yeah. I would say, yeah, cooking is a really creative pursuit. In my mind, okay, this is how fucked up I am. I think, and I know, definitely the reason why I became obsessed with cooking is Was because I wanted something that in my brain felt like it could be artistic, but legitimate in as much as serving a purpose. Everybody needs to eat, so it's important. But I also get to make art in some respect. That's kind of why I went into communication management as well. Like my dream was to be like a PR person. So you're always trying to justify. You're like denying yourself. You're ignoring your desires, but you, you still want to legitimize them somehow. You're trying to find like, I don't know, the balance. Did you ask me a question? Me. No, you're not. So my question for you was, uh, yeah, do you think it, like, kids are, Like creativity is kind of like repressed in, in, when you're a child. That's why you thought your creativity went away during puberty. Like it's, and then. I don't think so. I think like. The one thing I have to say about Boiseye is their focus on the arts was really good. Okay. Um, there was like a whole, there was, there are two campuses on the premises. Yeah. One was called Pollock campus. It's down. It used to be another school. And then I don't, I don't know the history. But that's where like the, there was a huge art studio there. Um, I, I did some really good work in art, but then when you reach, when you reach grade ten You stop that. Now that's sixteen You, you have to choose others or you can choose, and I didn't choose art. And you can't keep going into art? You can. Oh. Yeah, you can. But I, I was, you know, pressured into choosing. Right. Accounting and. Oh, yeah. I was too. I was, I come up for, what is it? Six, six for my job. That's grade ten I think it's, yeah. Form six is grade ten Yeah. No, no, no, no. Grade eleven Great. For us, we went up to form ten Oh, yeah. So that would be grade 12? Yeah, I think it's grade twelve So it's like, it's your entrance to university here. Uh, yeah, for them I was, in my school, my school was about 2,000 people at the school and I got first for art. And, like, my parents talked to me and teachers talked to me and said, do you want to keep doing it next year because you've done really well? Like, I did a big portfolio and things like that. And everyone just kind of convinced me, like, well, what are you going to be? An art teacher? That's all you've got. And I just, yeah, okay. And I didn't, I didn't do it anymore. Who's everyone when you say everybody? Uh, other teachers. I had like English teachers who thought I was good at doing what I was doing. My history teacher thought I was good. But they, but they all said those things? They, but they were just like, that was, that was, I remember ringing in my ears like, you're just gonna be an art teacher. That's all you need to be. That's kind of like, that's so, I've never, You know, the only, the only teacher that asked me if I was going to be a teacher was my grade ten science teacher. Yeah. He, he stopped me in the cafeteria and said, Luigi, are you going to be a teacher? I said, no, why? And he said, because you take real I really thought I wanted to be a teacher just from that. None of my other teachers ever thought, they all thought I was, this is gonna sound terrible. But it sounded like I didn't live up to my potential. All my teachers, I think, thought I was gonna be something fucking incredible in the arts. Like an actor or a writer. Yeah. Because I was so in all that shit. Yeah. And I did all that shit. I think being a writer, I would have, that's probably what I should have been. What's to stop you now? Yeah, what's to stop you? Yeah, that's another interesting point, is that we're all like, ah, it's too late. Yeah. It's not too late to What's that one fucking poet? Is it Bukowski? Didn't he not write? Yeah, Bukowski wrote pretty late, I think. He started writing when he was young and he failed miserably and then he just like worked at a post office until he was like fucking fifty and then he started writing again. When it comes to writing, I was, I was doing, I was writing this book for the longest time. Yeah. Um, and nobody around me, nobody in my family ever like was interested in fantasy. So I just, I don't know. I guess I didn't get enough. It's not their fault, but I didn't get the input that I wanted and I just stopped. People are funny. Your family's funny. Not like your family in general. I'm saying in general because I can relate to that because the funny thing is, like, personally, my parents, let's say, they didn't want me to, like, they knew I was artistic, but. They were still trying to be like, oh, don't do that. You know? But, and yet, I could see them. I was observing them loving things like, you know, fantasy and whatever else on television being enthralled by. But for some reason, they just thought like, It never registers in their minds that my child could do this and be involved in this. And I think that's because you know, as parents, there's always a fear of your child fucking having like a A shitty life. Yeah. Yeah. So you gotta, you gotta do whatever to save them. Yeah. Whatever that means. I think you don't want them making the mistakes that you made. That's how I feel like about my son. I feel like that's how parents say that to themselves. Yeah. But it takes a lot of, I don't know, self-reflection? Awareness? I think things have changed a bit. I think so too. I think that the world today... Because of, like, the landscape now, what makes money? I think all the, I think for the most, okay, maybe this will sound strange. The world's, the world's at, like, a point where, like, essentially everything is not, As developed as it could be, but it's pretty high up there. And we really don't need to go any further. And so now we have all of these strange kinds of careers today that for the most part, I think are what may, I think, I think there's the trade-off between just being happy and having a job that is rewarding and then a job that pays you a lot of money. Yeah. Are those three things? It's kind of like, it's kind of three things. Well, it's like lots of things when it comes to work. It's like right now, my job right now. But it, but it's rewarding enough. It's gonna be on the internet. Shut up. Preaching to the choir. You're gonna get it. It's rewarding enough. Like, I still enjoy it. I enjoy working with children. I enjoy working with people. And it's pretty easy. But uh, you shouldn't really, I guess that last one's not really a qualifier. Like your job's easy. No, no, there are some people who would say I think what you mean to say is It's kind of low stress. It's very low stress, yeah. Don't be, don't be, people I think worry too much about like, like I think if your job is boring, that's a good thing. Yeah. Truthfully. But then it shouldn't be like taking most of your day. I mean, I mean, I think we do work for where we are and where we work. We do work too long. It gets made up with holidays compared to other jobs for sure. Yeah. We don't necessarily like we do work technically longer than eight hours a day. Yeah. Well, uh, it's the Greek philosopher Euripides, who's really interesting, like, there's not much of his, zero of his work remains, but Plato and others talk about him. And, uh, the main thing he talks about is happiness and how to be happy. And he talks about work a lot that, you know, it's the whole, he pretty much being the first person to talk about, you know, work to live, don't live to work. And that if you're working more, you know, if you don't get eight hours free a day to yourself, you should probably check because you might be a slave. I don't know if that, okay. Okay. Did he really say that though? I think he did. That's really convenient. Like, we have the eight hour. I think it was, there was an amount of time. I'm not sure if it's eight hours. I need to look it up. That's, I'm just worried about all that stuff that, cause like, he said that and that sounds very similar to You know, I don't know, Confucius. Didn't Confucius say, like, if you're happy in your work, you'll never work another day in your life. Well, yeah. I think they're kind of altruistic statements. I mean, yeah, it makes sense. If you do what makes you happy, you'll never feel like you're... You also said have, uh, five friends close, that look close to you. Wasn't that... And who, what's that dude? Epicurious. Oh, I'm wrong. It's not Euripides, it's Epicurious. Okay. You're right. You're right. I feel like such a pleb when you guys talk about Why? Because we're guessing at philosophers? Yeah. Yeah, because I don't know anyone. I'm like, Euripides wrote plays. Yeah, he might not have even been real. Who fucking knows? Yeah, it's epicurious. Heraclitus is my favorite photo philosopher. Yeah. Socrates is good when you kind of argue with Christians. All that stuff's done. It's hard. Ancient Greek philosophers, eh, nice of a novel, but I don't think I could. I think Europeans wrote plays, maybe. They all fucking wrote plays at some point. I always remember, you rip at each pants and you play for them. Funny. But anyway, yeah, work. Who's gonna go next? Wait, I didn't answer your question. Can I answer your question? Yeah, sure. Right. Do it. Um, I think that the school system is completely fucked up Because it puts everything into a little box. And I like this. This is one of the only reasons I like IB as a, as a school program is because it has the freedom to break away from it, but it, Climb so far up its own asshole that things die. Yeah. That's, that's my point. Should we note for the, the podcast that we are teachers in Ivy? We, we, we are teachers in Ivy. Um, I like, I like Ivy for the freedom and, and the ability to, to press forward and. Allow kids to explore and be projects and have big projects that run over a long period of time. Yeah. I like, I like the idea of, you know, going at the to learn, but I really think it's contextual. You really need really intelligent Well, like, they hate kids for that kind of dynamic. I'm learning more and more. I just think they do it too early. I think that they should start doing it in grade six. Well, it's because they don't have those, those attitudes. From grades one to, from grades one to six, you should just be learning to read and write. And run around after ball in the afternoon. I agree. And I, but I also think like having project is, is fun, but this focus on like, oh, this is how we're learning about this instead of just having a project. And, and it should be at the end of the day, like a fun thing that you do and that's how you learn. And there shouldn't be a focus on like, this is your learner profile. This is your ATF. It's all, it's for teachers. It's not for kids. I think, it's the whole thing is it's, I think it's quite easy to kind of pick schooling apart And all that sort of stuff. But then when you go to actually have to do it, like what's the best idea you've got for teaching children? And when I say what mine is, From the age of five to ten. I'm beginning to think that stuff is the way. Yeah. It sounds really, but I feel like that militancy. Not, not militancy, but like, you know, I just feel like in the morning you do math and you do English and you do Yeah, fair. And then in the afternoon you do inquiry or like social studies and art and you run around and you sing a song. I agree with you. I think that's cool. I agree with you. And you need lots of playtime and a really nice playground with trees and open areas. And after, after school things should just be illegal. No. And no homework. It is the death of children. Well, you can't, you can't force kids to do it. Yeah. If there's a club that they want to join and do, then fine. Yeah. Our, our situation is very specific to context. Like, I can say. I think. Uh, they have it in South Korea. Okay. And Japan. No, it's like East Asia. East Asia. It's really strange. Not in Thailand. Not in Thailand. Like, my usual time of like, I'd finish school at three and my mum wouldn't expect me home until like 5.30 or six She'd get worried if it was six o'clock and I wasn't home. So I'd get like three hours a day where I'm just going, Throw rocks and ride bikes and go to people's houses and do whatever you wanted. And these kids would just never do that. And I think it's emotionally stunting. I think so too. That is... So that is how I feel about school. Oh, well. What can we do? Can't change it. Can't change it. Can't change the thing. Oh, you can create your own little bit of magic. Your own little bit of hat. Yeah, like, I try and do that with my class. Yeah. Like, some silly songs and some funny jokes and, you know. Are we talking about education now? I think it's kind of related. We're talking about kids in general. I think it's a talk about formative experiences and I think school is one of the biggest that you've got. Um, you know, you can either say, I would say, you can say it definitely made you into whatever you are. Um, I could, I could do the mental gymnastics to say yes, I agree. Yeah. Because, you know, I was there and it introduced me to interests and And those interests might have like antagonized my parents and my parents, you know, so you could easily say yeah. Yeah, but yeah, truthfully, sure. So can we answer the question? Yeah, I think so. I think so. Okay, good. What's the next question? No, who's the next, who's the next question? How, okay, how does this go again? Remind me, how am I supposed to do it? Because then maybe I can think of something. All my life, blah, blah, blah, sometimes I, or right now I, All my life. And now? Yeah. Or sometimes I feel like. Oh, man. I really want to pick a good one, but. I think, I didn't think mine was going to be good and we ended up speaking for half an hour. I mean, we could talk about anything. Um, I almost said one day forsaken. Um. Sometimes I feel like I just don't want to see any people ever. And all your life you've been seeing people? And all my life I get forced into looking and seeing people. Yeah. And it reminds me of Greta Garbo because she just had, she's That's what she said. Something like that. Just leave me. Just leave me alone. I want to be alone. Yeah. Sometimes it can feel like even when you think, even when you're, you know, it's your free time. Yeah. And you're going to see friends. It can feel like work. Are you just not an introvert? Are you just an introvert? I don't know what an introvert or an extrovert is. I would say I like spending time alone, but I think I think people would, I think I'm still defined as an extrovert. I don't think people really understand. I think you're extrovert. Oh yeah. I don't, I don't think people. I'm not sure how useful those terms are. Ah, yeah, I agree. But, um, I would call myself an extrovert. I like, I like spending time with people. But, like, when I don't want to, I just don't want to see anyone. Yeah, that's right. Like, my dog, I can handle. Like, my baby and my wife, okay, yeah. Well, I, I, when I had, I had, you both know Brian, uh, he's an American and, um, I had other friends as well and we had a big group of friends but they were always like, we're going out and you've got to go out and you've got to go and have fun. Now, yes, I was just getting older, but I was kind of always like this. Like, there'd just be some times where I'd just be like, I just don't want to look at anyone. And, yeah. Okay, I have a, my question is, What is it about people when you don't want to see them that, that you hate the most? It makes me, it reminds me of like when I'd be at a nightclub and, um, Like, I might have taken a substance or had a few drinks or something and I was having a good time and then, like, the cynical side of myself goes, you're only having a good time because you've had a few drinks or you've... You're actually a bit of a dick. And not only are you a dick, but everyone here is a dick too. And, you know, you should just go home. And I'd just be like, I'd just find myself walking out the door and just going, yep. And then when I got out the door, I'd be like, no, that's better. I hate clubs. I hate clubs because they're just too loud. You can't speak to anyone. It's not, it's not a good experience. I think, yeah, I think most people would agree with you there. It sucks because, but we all know, you know. The only time a club is fun is when you've met someone and you know you're gonna fuck and you're gonna go dance quickly. I do like dancing. If it's really good music and I just, I'm just dancing, then I can do that for quite a while, but I'd have to be in a certain mood. It's true, I think. I mean, that's definitely the problem with clubs. It's just the loud. Music. Yeah. It's too loud. Yeah. And I'm not saying this because I'm old. Even when I was young. But that's the whole, that's, clubs operate on making it loud so you have to fucking, apparently, You drink more. You drink more. Because your throat gets dry. But I don't, I think that's such a fucking, Noah's throat gets that fucking dry. Can you just ask for water? I don't need, I'm sure I don't need any sort of external stimulant, external stimuli to make me drink more, I just do it naturally. Well, I guess clubs or bars also operate on The fact that people are seeking validation, so, and they need alcohol to feel such chicken shit. Focusing on my existential, um, hatred of people, what's it called? Misanthropy? Misanthropy, yeah. Misanthropy? I don't think, I don't think you're a misanthropist. A misanthropist. A misanthrope. A misanthrope, that's the word. Yeah. Uh, no, just sometimes, I guess. Here in China, it hits me pretty hard. During, during that moment where you're like, fuck all people, what is it that you hate about them? Stupid, ignorant. Impatient. In China, it hits me pretty hard without kind of singling out certain demographics. Are there people who can break through that? Definitely, like a laugh and a drink and maybe the weather or things like that, that will change me instantly. Okay. And certain personality types or like talking or whatever, that will just snap me out of it. But, uh, yeah. Sure. It's different, I think. Depends on if it's people you know that are like in your life or strangers. So, five. Bad mood and it's just strangers will just default to saying they're stupid, which isn't objectively true. I'm being a baby then, but. That's all good. Oh, they're fucking dumb. You're stupid. Like, I'm looking forward to a big summer and going out and doing some stuff. And yelling at strangers. In the sunshine. I cannot wait to get onto the lakes and paddleboard. Oh, really? Yeah. I want to try. And it's going to be the first time I wear a bikini as well. I'm super fucking excited. Hot. And I'm going to switch back. I'm going to switch my Facebook profile back on and my extended family is going to get a shot. Yeah. It's gonna be a roller coaster. I mean, I hope when the weather's nice it's still not great. If that makes sense. I don't want to talk people of China's weather. I like the weather. I think pseudo weather's pretty good. I think it's just big cities in general anywhere. That's my issues. Pollution sucks. Because of the smog, yeah. Pollution sucks wherever you are. Um, I think right now you've got the spring rains, which are kind of annoying. It just kind of rains. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's alright. As long as it's not cold. Yeah, but right now I can't decide if it's cold or hot. Yeah, we had. Yeah, last week, was it last weekend? Yeah. It was really nice. Anyway, I think I answered my question if it wasn't that deep. What I don't like about people, if I know them, I think, oh, Again, I'm not right. I don't know if I'm right in perceiving this, but I don't want to be with people. It's their selfishness. It sounds really strange, but I just think people are selfish. But that's because I'm the kind of person who... I'll never, well, not never, but it's very rare when I'll say no to someone if they really need something. And that's what I don't like. And I'll just, I'll just I think, but being selfish for yourself can kind of be okay sometimes because that's what I started doing. I'd be out with all the boys and they'd know that I'm fun and, you know, can tell a joke and can drink and things like that. Be the life of the party. But then I just kind of feel tired and just go, I'm just going to go home. And I'd kind of feel guilty, like, I'm just going to go home. But then I'd just ghost it, do the Irish exit, and I'd be like, it's gone, he's disappeared, he's left the building. I think all people are inherently selfish. Yeah. And I, I think a level of selfishness and, and, but also I'm going to call it philanthropy. And, and empathy is, is a good thing. Just that mix. But you have to be selfish because if you're not, you're going to get wasted. Yeah. Definitely. You'll definitely like, you can't make everybody happy. Yeah. That's the classic doormat and. And I, I think I was a doormat for a long time. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're talking about for your family or for, for just for everyone in my life. Yeah. The other key is people really need to just understand each other. Like if a person doesn't have understanding on their end, then it's easy for people to get angry and offended. So like, you know, if someone says no, if you're. You know, a reasonable, well-adjusted adult. You won't get offended by that. You'll understand, you know, they're going through some shit. And they need, they can't do it. They don't want to do it. Yeah, for whatever reason. But I think a lot of people don't understand that and they just... I think with you, when I've heard about your family and kind of the reactions that they've had to recent events, it made me feel really sad. I thought about it quite a bit of like what my family would do and things like that and I just think how I'm, I think there's, that there's some selfish behaviour like when someone Maybe with a mixture of ignorance or just failure to try and want to understand. Ah, yeah. For sure. I don't think it's necessarily selfish as much as it's fear-based. It's definitely, it's more transphobia than anything else. Like, for me, when you told me, it did shock me a little bit. I have to say, we were sitting in the canteen when you first told me. Yeah. And I was, I think I said something inappropriate to start with. I can't remember what. Um, and then. I don't think you were inappropriate at all. Okay, good. Um, and then you told me and I was like, whoa, okay, sure. And I had to like, it kind of washed over me a bit and I was like, oh, all right, yeah. Because I've thought about this before, it's the same thing as people who have problems with gay people or have problems with people, any kind of LGBT. Like, you've got to think of it as why would someone, like, if it was a choice, why would someone choose that when it's so difficult and so many people have such a negative reaction to it? Yeah. I'm now playing live on fuck you mode. Yeah, exactly. And so, so like, even, even just being gay is, it's, it's a pretty, it's a pretty tough choice. Like, you've got to think about people in China. Not a choice. Well, it's not a choice. Like, it's all like, but if, but I'm saying if it was. It is a choice in a respect because you have to either. You could hide it. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Um, so I was, I was fully planning on hiding it and, and I think both of you know that, uh, things happened and I was outed. Before I wanted to. So I lost all control of that. Yeah. And then the reason I just told you the way I did is because I was in a fuck it, you know, fuck it. Yeah. This is it. And despite all of this. Horrible shit that is going on. I still feel happier than ever before. Yeah. And that's saying something like that. That's, that's huge. Yeah. I think honesty is a good thing when it comes to things like that. And uh, yeah, I don't want to go into the other stuff. Yeah. Hmm. I don't regret it and I don't regret telling you and I'm super relieved because when that happened, like my brother had said he doesn't want to talk to me anymore or at least insinuated it and didn't reply to my messages. So I was like, okay, well, that's, that's it then. So when I met people who didn't immediately go like, oh, we don't want to associate with you anymore. That was such a huge relief. Yeah. Because you didn't like them anyway. No, no, no. I, I just wanted to get it over with like this. What's the sword? The sword of Damocles. Damocles. Damocles. It's like with anything you're nervous about and afraid of, like, you, you... You're afraid to deal with the problem. I really enjoyed, I really enjoyed the faux acceptance of a certain person in management. That was that like, like, like just started like, oh, it's such a wonderful thing. And then it changed so quickly. Yeah. Don't go there in this podcast, dude. But it's gonna be, it's gonna be really, it's gonna be really funny with all the, it's gonna be really funny with, with the self-assessment coming. IBS got in such a foothold in China when, like, you look at the schools that are, that are pushing it and they're just... Mercenary, you know, there's no other word you can say about it. As soon as you don't, don't work into the profit driven idea of what should be happening, then you are cut free. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, but that's... Business. It's business. It's business. Everywhere in the world. It's like that. It's true. Like, it... But like, at least like a restaurant, like I had one friend who was a restaurateur, one of my favourite bosses I've ever had, and he just said to me, you know, you've got to be ruthless. And I, but at least he'd say that. Like, he didn't say, you've got to be caring. You've got to be open-minded. He said, you've got to be fucking ruthless. You fire them, they're out the door. But at least, but like, at least he's honest and like, the first conversation with him, he's saying that and he's presenting himself like that. Whereas these other people are, oh, I'm caring, we're, we're this, we're all these happy, hypocrisy. Hypocrisy. Hypocrisy. But I also think that, like, from my perspective, I've, The Chinese Ministry of Education has a very clear stance. Yeah. What is that? Do we know it? Yeah. Ruby knows it very much. Like it should be creating a fair, safe environment for all students of all gender identities. Um, and I think the school actually, we're in a small department of a very large school. They have an opportunity to be first in class. Yeah. And driving forward something that, that could innovate Chinese, the whole Chinese education system potentially. Um, and they are choosing to squash it and I think that's pathetic. I think that just comes down to The fact that this country is very socially conservative. Deeply socially conservative. And I think there's a certain element of you can go and do that and stuff and you can do that where you'd like. And maybe on your days off, you could do it, but don't make us ever look at it. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. Uh, I mean, it's like anything else. Yeah. I feel. Yeah. But still there is this opportunity. Um, I think. Eventually the first school that takes it, they're going to, I think they're going to win a little bit from it. Not a lot. I don't, I don't think it's going to need to be in the right area. Maybe like Shanghai. Shanghai, Chengdu, Guangzhou. Yeah. You have to do more research. I'm sure. I can say in Shanghai, I know of teachers who do drag. For sure. They're open about it. Yeah. And the schools have not gotten rid of them. Um, I know of A trans girl in China who went through full transition. And keep working. And kept working, yeah. And I think that's, I think that's gonna happen to me even though the school is kind of being an asshole right now. I think they're gonna change their minds. Yeah. The school's not there. You think this one's got a chance on that? I think yes. I think maybe. I think it's... I think, ooh, I don't know. It doesn't matter. I just don't have very high expectations. I think it'll just be ignored. I don't think it'll... I think it could just be ignored. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. I think it's just going to get... Brushed under the rug. I'm gonna keep presenting male and I'm gonna look more and more female. Even, like, yesterday I was walking around school and I was Miss gendered, in inverted commas, because they called me miss and I was presenting male. Who? No. Uh, by five students, like, in a row. Like when you were walking on like the other side out of our department somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello miss, hello miss, hello miss. That's cool. Yeah. Good. Exactly. Did you say hi? Of course. And one of, one of my parents, uh, sends a message to my co-teacher going, Um, why do I feel that my necronym is getting, everybody says he's handsome, but I feel like he's more and more beautiful. Who said that? Yeah. Yeah, one of my parents. But was that said, I mean, it sounds positive, but I don't know. It doesn't matter. She really likes me. Um, I think there's a certain amount of kind of nimbyism. You both know she drove the rugby initiative. Ah, yeah. Ah. Um, NIMBY, which is not in my backyard. I think there's some people who are willing to be like, okay, you know, I'm an accepting person and I can handle all these sorts of different things. But then I think having someone for a teacher, I think that that is... Yeah, it's one of their, it's one of their like hard, hard lines. I know. I know that. But that's like, I want to move away. I want to work with adults. I'm tired of kids. I would like to work with adults. I love kids. I love, I love teaching. I love my class. For me, I, I think that children should really be exposed to all sorts of things, you know, to show that the rich tapestry of life. It's okay. To be different. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure I'd be a totally more, this sounds bad, I'd be a totally more successful adult if I had more Like, my life growing up wasn't so regimented. And it wasn't regimented because my family and my parents were trying to control me. It's because, like, our socioeconomic status was kind of shite. So I was very limited in my experience. Yeah. So I always think like, wow, what if I were like the other kids who like, I envy kids now who get to go travel all over the fucking world. Yeah. Cause that I think gives you a better brain. You have more perspective. I don't know, so because I don't know shit about the world. It's the whole, it's the whole kind of nature versus nature type thing and environment versus who you are and all the inputs that you get. Right. I think about that all the time with my son, so I just try to make him just happy. Better start fucking going to Bali, dude. You're just like tossing in the water. Yeah. You're starting to swim with the fish. One of your son's parents. Um, yeah. Well, there's no stopping it. That's the whole thing. What if he's gay? What if he's trans? You know, as long as he's not Yeah. But yeah, I guess the whole thing of like, there's just, I had this conversation with my wife. I think I said gay, not trans. Yeah. And she'd be like, no, she was like, no. And I'm like, well, you know, She's like, don't even say it. And I'm like, well, they're going to jinx them. They're going to jinx them. He does like Appetit, that song. He loves it. And he loves house music too. But like, it's just one of those things of you can't stop it. Why bother? Like, don't stress about the things that you're going to have no control over and that you should just love people unconditionally. Life's too short to have hangups. Well, I wish my parents felt the way that you did. Oh. Do they make some around? I think some, you never know. I think they could come around. I think they will come around eventually. I think what they think is that I want to go home and There are two problems. They found my, they found my Reddit. Oh, really? How'd they find you a Reddit? You have your own Reddit? I have a Reddit account. Yeah. And I've, I've been posting a lot. And they found me. Isn't that hard to like? No, it's, it's my fault. It's my fault. Like it had my, it had my name on. Um, and it was literally like the first result on, on Google. Okay. Because I didn't switch off Google indexing. Yeah, all Greek to me. And it was in a time where I was like really struggling with my identity and trying to figure, it's fucking terrifying. Yeah, yeah, of course. So I posted a lot of stuff, a lot of cross-dressing, like. Yeah. And a lot of, like, chasers commenting and stuff. And they read through that. Mm-hmm. And so they think it's the, it's, what's the word for it? Like the, when men find the idea of being, they find their own body as a woman attractive. Anyway, I think they think it's like all about sex. That's always like, that's, but that's part of the, the propaganda of like the, you know, the trans. Exactly. Like you're sex fiends. Exactly. A man who becomes trans woman is secretly just. A sex scene. Wanting to be a prostitute. Trials under the radar and just fuck women. Just absolutely fuck women. There's tons. Jesus Christ. And like, if you look in pop culture, there have been tons of films like that. Yeah. Like, you can, like, was that one, Nicolette, who was his name? Michael Caine, the British actor. He's in one, one of the earliest ones. He's a psychologist, I forget the name. He's a psychologist in the film, but really he's Uh, a transsexual and he's actually murdering people. Yeah. And, uh, J.K. Rowling. And there's J.K. Rowling's fucking book where the trans person's the fucking murderer. Yeah. Then there's signs of the land. Signs of the land, yeah. Buffalo Bill, he's all dressed up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just such fucking nonsense. And I think everyone is aware of that except for the people who... The people whose agenda serves, they're gonna say, oh no, it's real. Cause obviously, I think when it comes to like sexual predation and violence, That sort of thing, I think, hit the cis man, cis white man up already. Yeah, like, that's where the problem is. You're gonna dress up as a fucking clown. Yeah. And, you know, ditto kids, that's what you're gonna fucking, you're not gonna be like, oh, I'll put a bigger target on my back. Yeah. Um, for anybody listening. If you are taking medical transition hormones, Things tend to stop working. You tend to stop feeling. You don't want it like this. There's not a lot of violence attached to it. And there's a new, the Netflix movie I'm not a big fan of because. What is it? Transactor. What's her name? What things is she in? Uh, she's a Mexican actor. Oh, I know what you're talking about. The Spanish one. Yeah. What's it called? Amelia Perez. Ah, there we go. Amelia Perez. Is that it? I don't know if I'm right, but it sounds good. Good movie, trans actor, good, like, representation. But the character is based on like one chapter of a book and the whole movie is extrapolated from that. And there are, there are parts of the movie where the like manly aspect comes in like. Her daughter during the movie says, oh, like, you smell like my dad. But that's one of the first things that change once you start taking hormones is your smell changes. Of course, yeah. About, um, what was your thing? About being a misanthrope. Yeah. A partial misanthrope. Did I ask you about that? Jeez. Oh, but I think you got it too. Oh, 100%. Is yours worse than mine? Probably. Yeah, probably. Definitely. But I think, I think my misanthropy comes from My poor esteem. People think, this is something that always happens to me, is people I think I'm this really confident person because of just the way I carry myself. I don't know. It's happened to me at work too. Yeah, I think you draw fire for that to be honest. Yeah. I think a person picks on you because- But it's not just that person. You present. Yeah, of course, but we trust you. Because you present as this- Kind of a snappy, slightly sarcastic, uh, confident person. But it's not confidence. What it really is is like fucking walls, barriers. So I've, I've had problems with some confidence when I was growing up, but then, like, if anything, I've got a problem, I've got a problem with being too confident. Yeah, you're a fucking narcissist. A little bit of a fucking maniac. Um, but... Yeah, so for me, I think now, I'm more confident, obviously as a kid, my sting was terrible. Um, and even in my adulthood, pretty fucking not good. So, but it, and I think that withdrawn, as people, And this, this has gotta be cultural. It's gotta be like a cliche, like the man, the quiet fucking, the lone wolf. So they, they, people perceive that as, oh, he's confident. That's why he doesn't do shit. Nah. I think it's, yeah. You're feeling shitty and you're kind of like, don't look at me. Yeah. I don't like myself, don't look at me. So, it's just so weird. I think I just get over-peopled. I just, just too much people and then... I want no people. You know, that's really, that's the definition of introvert. Yeah. Like introverts like people, but they don't charge with people. And recharge. Oh, maybe that's, yeah. Oh, but sometimes I charge. I'm just, I don't know. Depends on who, right? Like, I used to work bar. I used to really love that. It was fun. But that's a, Like, okay, let's talk, hey, let's, let's talk Myers-Briggs and that fucking bullshit. Yeah. Oh my god, what a trigger, I hate that shit. You know, we've got to think about, don't you have to do a thing? I don't mind. Did you do yours? No. Did you even ask the question? I think you did. Sometimes I feel like. Jeez. Uh, the five factor model of personality? That could be it. It's just another self, it's just a money making scheme. I just don't believe any of that shit. Uh, what are they? If it's too accessible, it's fake. That's my philosophy. Prepare yourself, okay, this is just bullshit. If an armchair academic is doing it and he's making millions of dollars, then it's not real. I need a group, I need hundreds of psychologists making studies. Getting no credit. Okay, I'm not gonna use. Not being rich. I don't believe the science. Give me a sec. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go with this shit. We have to think of, you have to think of segues for commercials. Okay, we're going to take a short break. After the, uh, our sponsor. I, I can put, I think. And then you can cut it. It is, that's when we don't know what to say. Then you can come back whenever you want later. And it'll be like a commercial break. I found. I'm pretty sure that's what podcasters do. Uh, yeah, well, I'm, I'm an amateur pleb. I don't know shit. Okay. Here we go. I found it. Now we can Google shit. Uh, five, five. Oh yeah. Here we go. Openness to experience is the first one. I'm definitely high on that. Extroversion is the third. I don't know what that means. Agreeableness is the fourth. And neuroticism is the fifth. Luigi's like finding three out of those really high. Yeah. Super neurotic. So I've experienced characteristics of creativity, curiosity, imagination, and a preference for novelty and variety. High scorers tend to be open-minded, adventurous, and enjoy exploring new ideas and experiences. Low scorers prefer routine, familiarity, and maybe more traditional or conventional. I see, I'm high. I feel like I'm in the middle of that. No, I'd say I'm high on that. Because, like, I need, I think, routine. Luigi. Yeah. Hit us with your thing. That's, I don't even know. Okay, no, I had it. Okay, let's talk about Luigi's biggest Achilles heel. And you two might agree. Yeah. Okay, how can I, how can I put this in? It's like, sometimes I feel like, oh, how about sometimes I feel like I'll never have enough money. All my life I've been stingy because I feel like I'll never have enough money. Yeah, I think so. All my life I've felt poor. I think you've got a poverty mindset. Oh, 100%. I've, I've looked up things like this. Like, it's, it's a condition apparently. Yeah. I need to find like a therapist who deals with his money, so. Cause it does, it does affect my life. Like, well, I think it sucks that you weren't going to Vietnam or Thailand. When I know that you would love it. I don't know about that. Like, it's not because, that's not only because of money, there's also other, I remember coming to China and not being able to speak the language. Why won't you go to dinner? Because it's just, it's just so overwhelming at the end of doing that shit. Some people, okay. A part of it is money management. What if the three of us went together? I still have to really, really plan and I just, that overwhelms the shit. You don't, you don't have to plan at all. You just go. That's the great thing about Thailand, you just fucking go. That's what everybody says, but you know, that's just not who I am, dude. Just go and then. You're going and then you're drunk and you've taken drugs, you're on a motorbike, you've got diarrhea, you don't know where you're going to sleep. That's part of the fun. Well, we're getting off topic. We're here to talk about my inability to spend money without it fucking hurting so much. It's terrible. Terrible. That's it. Here's my statement. Uh, I enjoy spending money. Yeah, I know you do. It's fun. Well, you don't have this fear of not having enough money, I guess. That's just, that's my view. Okay, I have a question. Are you saving money every, like, do you have a significant increase in net worth every month? Yeah, I do. But it's still just not enough. I think. See, that's what I think. It's just not enough. I just gotta save as much as I can. For when I'm old and obsolescent and can't work anymore, who's gonna take care of me? Well, I had one friend. That's a fear I have to. And Gwangju, and he was a bit like, yeah. Uh, except he was fat. And now he's dead. And he was, um, he's American and he's dead now. American? Uh, no. Oh. Terrible. There's something like that. We didn't know what it was. Um, But he meant, it was a really odd story, like he was just fine. Yeah. Real fun guy, really cool. Um, like, I got on really well with him and uh, he was selling wine and he had a beautiful Chinese girlfriend and he went to Cambodia and I don't know if he took any substance but just went to sleep and never woke up. He was like grinding it. He was like working extra jobs and just would never go out and was just saving and saving. Heart attack. Just didn't wake up. It was really weird, the circumstances. Yeah. So, you know. I don't think I'd be so lucky to die in my sleep or, like, die of a heart attack. Because I'm not born to do a piece, which I Sorry if I sound very. So you've also had a friend that you met in China and I? Oh, I've had a couple. Uh, there's, let's go over them. There was that man, I won't say his name because I've got too much respect for him. There was another guy called Wayney. Uh, Wayney. Wayney. Yeah, Wayney. And he was. And he was a real, I'm going to speak out of him because I wasn't that big of a fan. And he was a dick when he was alive, he was a dick when he was dead. Uh, and he was a real hardcore sex bat, like hardcore. It got big and tooled. Everybody's favorite. And he just like turned up and he was just cold hitting. He was just sitting on his phone and just WeChat and just anyone in the area, hey, what's up? What a fuck? Hey, what's up? What a fuck? Sad. And so he was, and he was doing well, but he was like, Hitting lots of women who were married. Seeing him in action trying to like, cold start a woman Uh, yeah. I mean, I could. And then we'd left and then one day he was just at the gym and he was doing weights and he just... His ticket gave out. He was kind of old. Oh, was he doing steroids? At the school gym. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. The bar went found him like the next day. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah, crazy. Uh, he wasn't a bad guy. I wasn't, I wasn't as busy, but we went out a couple of times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the other one was the same school. Um, Dave, who was super old and he'd gone back to Canada, but he was a real piece of shit. Uh, he, they were doing IPC curriculum, um, and, uh, he had gone back to his, um, he lived on, I think, Vancouver Island or something like that. We just don't. Yeah. But he was super old. He was a real dick. Anyone else who died? Uh, I only know one person. No, that's it. Those three. But they, they left China in preparation of their death. Oh no, another one. In Beijing. Four. Uh, had an epileptic fit and died. The only one I know is the one you guys know who died last year, November. I won't say his name either. The liver cirrhosis guy. Ah, that one you told us. Yeah, he was, he was on his way home. It was his, like, Last days, I think he knew that he was dying. I wish he didn't. I ended up giving him some money before he died to pay for a hospital. Wow. And uh, then he paid. You're not getting that bad. Oh yeah, that's gone. It doesn't matter. Like. He helped me out a lot when I had some financial difficulty. Yeah. But I remember the last time I saw him, we went to a bar and he ordered Legitimately ordered seven cocktails. Wow. I, I, I might order three. At a time. At a time. You could do this multiple times. No, I'll do two. Two maybe. I'm a little baby. I can't fucking do that shit. I'll get one. If I know it's like happy hour and the drinks, like there's a bar. There's a bar, um, the cocktail place that I told you about, but you said it was bad. But they had good, cheap cocktails. thirty-five or quite cocktails. Where? Which place? Uh, Sip Bistro, which is across from... Oh, in Shanghai? Yeah, you said the girls weren't that good. No, they weren't. Maybe it was a different bartender, but all I had was good. Uh, but yeah, I was ordering two or three at a time, I think. I'm not a cocktail aficionado. Except for Patrick's. I do, I do Long Island's because they're economic class. You should, I'll make a proper Long Island because I don't think... I don't think anyone has had a proper time. Should they fucking wreck you? I love Chilli Verdes. Yes, they should. Okay, because I mean, that's been my experience. Just, that's. I won't talk cocktails, but a proper Long Island. Yeah. Is a thing of beauty, if it's made properly. Yeah. Absolutely. But it shouldn't be brown. Like, it shouldn't be like, like. No, it should be like yellow. It should just be like a tinge. No, no, no, no. Yeah, it should be a tinge of color. It's not, uh, it's not layered. It's plenty of, it's a good amount of lemon juice, good, like, a little dash of cola in all the white spirits. Wait, what's that one called? Long Island? Long Island. Okay, what about, is it Sex on the Beach? Oh, yes. Which is a whole bunch of cocktails. Well, as you know, I don't, I don't know. The person. Another guy though. He, he must be. I know really obscure ones because they sound funny and fun like lemon drops and fucking ghetto blasters. The most terrifying cocktail I ever had was called a Deadpool. Oh, really? Yeah. And you. Sounds terrible. They light some, I think it's straw rum, they light and let the fumes go into a big brandy glass and then you sniff it. Yeah. And then you snort what's left. That's terrible. And then you do a shot. And it just puts you on the ground. That's gross. Yeah, I wouldn't. No, it's terrible. I think what makes me drink cocktails, if someone doesn't tell me about cocktails, is their names. It sounds fun. It sounds adventurous. Yeah. Again, like, like, yeah. And they're fun to make as well. A mind eraser. But, that's such a fucking cool name. And I know, like, a broiler maker is not necessarily a cocktail, but it sounds pretty fucking badass. So, but like a Paloma, if you hadn't shown me, if you hadn't talked up a Paloma, I'd be like, yeah, whatever, it sounds boring, but oh my god. One of my favorite Palomas. What's the scariest thing that you've ever bought because of your, it was scary because of your financial proclivity to wanting to save. And probably spending any money on like a fucking expensive date. That's the fucking scary thing. A date. Really? Oh, no. That's scary because how much did you spend? You go on a bad fucking date and then they're gone. Uh, no, I go all out. I go all out. Yeah, because for you, you know, it's no big deal. Like, I, my wife, when we were calling her, Um, I would take her to like the super, we'd go to Shanghai together and I'd try and take her to the fancy restaurant and she'd be like, no. I don't get it. It's too expensive. I would, I would propose on the spot if she said no too crazy. Yeah. Um, okay, let me think about this. I can think of things that fucking... Tough. I know that he says, okay, I'll say one thing I hate fucking buying. Maybe this will sound misogynistic. I hate, I hate buying flowers for girls. I love it. I think it's just so, such a stupid, empty gesture. I'd rather buy you a fucking houseplant. I think flowers are dumb too. I like getting, I like getting flowers. I really do. I bought my girlfriend flowers for Valentine's Day. She fucking laughed. And I'm like, you guys are fucking confusing the hell out of me. In China, in China, the flower thing is not a big deal. Not for romance, not for romance. Oh, so then what? It's only a big deal if you buy like a fuck ton of roses. Yeah, okay, so that's it. I gotta buy 150 fucking roses. That's bullshit. Yeah, don't do that. Exactly, like, like if... I remember one of my friends at university, and he was like, it's Valentine's Day, and he was feeling really special about this girl, and he was like, yeah, a dozen roses, yeah, a dozen roses, and get them delivered, and he was on the phone, he's like, yeah, she's pretty special, and put, like, you talked about the car, like, ah, from... Ray and whatever his name, I can't remember his name. And uh, who was it? I can't remember. Ray. Um, and he was like, yeah, that's pretty special and stuff. And then all of a sudden he went, Thirty dollars? That's six jugs! That's, see, that's how I know I have a problem because, because apparently, according to psychologists, is if you buy something and you compare it that way to other things. Yeah. Then you have a fucked up relationship with money. Like, I spent $30 Oh, I could have bought, I don't know. Oh, no, sometimes I do convert things into bottles of wine or, like, the things that I appreciate buying. Yes, but, but you're not... Uppity about spending your money. You don't, you don't counter your decision based on how many bottles of wine you could buy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see how that's like a spiral down. I've made some stupid purchases in China. Definitely, it's, it's, yeah. It's ruminating. Um, what, do you want to know how to get over it or? Oh, you guys can't help me get over it. There is good. But you don't want to pay for it. I think that you should stop. Ah, there you go. Something that hurts. No, no. You don't want to pay for a therapist. I did pay. I haven't gone to a therapist in a long time. But I have paid for therapists and, and that fucking hurts. Well, like, see, see, for me, I wouldn't pay for a therapist because I think, I think, like, there are some things that I think, wow, that's a fucking waste of money. What's he going to tell me that I'm mental or I'm crazy? Yeah, I know. You know, that's a problem. That's a problem because my mom won't see a therapist right now. Yeah. For, for this. My therapist, I'm seeing a therapist, has offered to see her. I have offered to pay. My mom won't see her because she thinks, oh, what's she gonna tell me? That you're trans? Yeah, like, just fucking see her. Just talk, like, what does it hurt is the question. Who does it hurt? Yeah. To see her. I love my therapist. She's, she's amazing. She's helped me a lot. Gambling. Gambling's the other one. Anyone who goes, let's go gamble. Well, I can handle, I can handle like 200 RMB. I'll never do that. If we, if I play, if we play poker. Because then I think, well, you know, I'm gonna, there's a chance of me winning a bag in $200. Let's talk in U.S. dollars. Uh, I'd say $40. $30 $30 Uh, $30 I can handle. But like, my, like, I have a, a family member who has had a problem with it and, yeah, like, just the idea of, I remember playing, what do you call them, slot machines? Yeah. I, I put, like, I've had friends who had problems with them and I, one time I put $10 in and within two minutes I'd won like fifty bucks. Yeah. And I was like, well, and he's like, now you've got the chance to go for the jackpot. No, now you walk the fuck away. No, I said, no, I've got, I've won. I've won $40. Press the button, it came out, and I'm like, I can go and have lunch now. Exactly. So, like, I'm not a gambler. That's how I gamble as well. Like, I take... I went to was, it's Cambodia where everybody goes to gamble in the Southeast Asia. The border of, I went on a border run for a Thai visa and, uh, gambled. I think 2,000 Thai baht. That's a fair bit of money, maybe. Divided to six. Yeah, it's 300 RMB maybe. fifty American dollars. fifty American dollars. Too much by your standards. Um, $20 too much. Uh, I won. Yep. Then I lost it all. Then I walked away. And then I went to throw up in the fancy pool of the Cambodian hotel. Because of the pool. Because I drank too much. And it was, it was fun. I mean, I spend money on like those, those Chinese crane games where you win stuff animals and sometimes I don't win. Oh, that's, that's, you've got a problem. I, I buy, I buy, I buy the, a lot of those, the scratch cards. When I see one and I walk past that one. Well, I think I told you this story. One of my friends, um, when I was growing up, robbed a supermarket that he was working at. He decided, he was like fourteen He decided to become a master burglar. It didn't work out very well. But he did rob a supermarket successfully, jammed paper into the motion sensor when he was working there and then unscrewed the back door and got in and the motion sensor didn't go off because he jammed paper into it. And then he went to rob the supermarket in as amateurs way as he could, which is he took bad wine and then chocolate, trays from the tray chocolates. Delicious. Worth it. And then he smashed open one of the scratchy ticket things and took a whole ream, like thousands of scratchy tickets, but not really thinking that they'll know the numbers of the ream that's been taken. And when he goes to like, Recover that. They'll just be like, you've robbed a supermarket. And you have to launder. And you've got to, yeah. And so, but then he went home and proceeded to scratch, like, all night scratch all of The scratchy tickets. And he, he told me, like, he, like, lots of $2 prizes. Yeah. He's just like, just never buy one of those again. And I'm like, yeah. But uh, he hid, he hid all the tickets he'd scratched under his dirty washing and his mom in the morning picked up his dirty washing and found thousands of tickets. First of all, thought he had a huge problem. And then figure that out and she found the wine and the chocolate and then dropped us. Did you call the police? Well, I'm a good parent. Yeah. I think. Uh, I think you're a kind of a parent, you just use that for the rest of your life to get what you want. I think that's it. Okay. That's the podcast. Yeah, that was awesome. Thank you guys. I really appreciate it.