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Transcript

The ART of TURN TAKING · In 9 Minutes

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: If you had a dollar for every time you heard yourself or someone else say I don't have time for that, you'd probably be rich.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: I know life can feel like a circus, especially when you're trying to juggle it all, and I know what it's like to be pulled in a million different directions and to feel like there's never enough time to do all the things for all the people.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: But I really believe that what you want is possible.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: It just requires some decision making and intentional action.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: You truly can't make time or find time.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: You have to set it apart, and I'll show you how to make big moves and take game changing action nine minutes at a time.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: I'm Jennifer Seiss.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: I love helping impact-oriented women run their home life and business, gain traction in their day to day and have more time with the people they love the most.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: My heart is to share what I've learned along the way and help you get more of what you want out of your life and work.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Every episode is designed to get you on your way to a quick win.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: So grab your favorite beverage, pull up a chair and let's start making more of your time.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Hey there, and welcome to the In 9 Minutes podcast.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I'm Jennifer Seiss, and I can't wait to connect with you for the next nine minutes.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Let's make this year the year of turn taking, of cultivating the art of conversation and applying it to every area of our lives.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Have you heard of the 70-30 rule?
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: The 70-30 rule in conversation, where you should be listening 70% of the time and talking 30% of the time?
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Lots of people reserve this principle for sales conversations, so this conversation will apply to your life and work, for sure.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: But what I'd like to offer you today is a thought or two around the idea of intentionally listening more than you talk and developing the skill of turn taking.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: You see, deep connection grows with turn taking, and this is big.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Turn taking is vital to your relationships.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: The art of listening and talking in balance, asking intentional questions, waiting for the answers, responding to the answers and leaning into getting to know someone on a deeper level, even if you think you know everything about them already, can be a game changer.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: And I'm here to tell you that none of us know as much as we think.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: We do.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: Not even remotely, and this is a minor example, but I didn't know.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: My husband's favorite vegetable was broccoli until we'd been married for 20 years.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: When people feel like they're being listened to and heard.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: It helps them feel understood and validated and valued and even relieved and connected, and so here are a few things that you can do to indicate thoughtful listening.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: These are things that when you see these things in action or you take action in this way, you are experiencing or participating in thoughtful listening.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: So not talking when others are speaking.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I mean raise your hand if getting interrupted sends you into orbit, or letting others know you're listening through your facial expressions and even verbal sounds.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Eye contact is huge, and this is especially tricky with phones in our hands all the time.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: So put your phone away or face down and demonstrate that you're really listening.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: You have to eliminate distractions to intentionally listen.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Being able to repeat what someone has said to you practically word for word is really good.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: So hear what people say back to them and this will demonstrate that you are listening and that you're clear on what they shared with you.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: And also be curious, ask questions and be genuinely interested in what they are talking to you about.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: Arthur Aaron, a professor of psychology and a relationship expert, put together a list of 36 questions that were specifically designed to build intimacy and connection using the principle of turn taking, and turn taking ultimately works best when active listening is involved.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: And turn taking can be one of the first things to go out the window when you are overly busy or you are in survival mode because all you can think about is getting stuff done or moving on to the next thing or thinking about whatever has to happen next.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: And this can become a cycle that you repeat over and over and over and you throw turn taking out the window because you are so consumed by what has to happen next.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: And I want to tell you a story about turn taking that had a really big impact on one of my sons and I had nothing to do with it so I can take zero credit for this but a group of guys in my son's pledge class in his fraternity.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: They were, and still are, very close in the coolest way and they didn't spend every minute together.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: They were all really busy guys involved in leadership and schoolwork and working outside of school and you get the idea.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: But for them they made a decision and this is what they did Every Thursday, or almost every Thursday, they met at Buffalo Wild Wings at like 9 30 for their second dinner.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: They called it and then they went back to the fraternity house or one of their houses later and hung out in one of their rooms and asked each other really intentional questions.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: They each had a chance to answer the questions and they were turn taking.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: They were building connection that would stand the test of time and they didn't even realize what they were doing at the time until they got to their senior year and could look back at how they got so close and, like I said, they didn't even do everything together.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: They didn't do this turn taking for hours and hours, but it became a discipline that paid off and because they set apart the time in advance to do it, they could all make it happen.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: They never left it to finding a time and now, even though they've all graduated and are going in a million different directions, they are connected and they made a decision and they took action and they took turns and they communicated and they built connection that sustained them and the investment of that connection will pay off for years to come because they're stored up investments that can be drawn on at any time.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: What if you just spent nine minutes a day taking turns in conversation with the people that matter most to you just nine minutes.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: You can literally do this anywhere at the dinner table, in the car, when you're putting your kids to bed, on the phone, but ask intentional questions and take turns.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: One of the driving forces of connection is being curious, and being curious really spurs you on to ask better questions that take you beyond the day to day.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: And when you go beyond the day to day and dig deeper into really genuine, thoughtful questions, you can build better connection.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: And, honestly, you can build better connection and take turns over a taco or a bowl of cereal.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: It just takes making the decision to do it and setting apart the time to do it and giving people the opportunity to take turns.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: And you can put this into practice in your work with your clients, with your spouse, really specifically that would be amazing and a game changer with your kids, with your friends.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Imagine you're at a girls night out with your girlfriends and you begin to ask intentional questions and take turns and really lean in and listen.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: What would that be like?
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: And what would that be like with your clients and the people that you serve?
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: If you'd like a list of questions so you can try this out too, dm me, jennifer Seiss, on Instagram and I will share them with you.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: We actually shared these questions with a Sunday school class that we teach for young married couples, and it was so cool to watch them discover new things about each other that they never would have discovered without this intentional turn.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: Taking practice, these questions are designed to take about 45 minutes in total, and that's just nine minutes a day for five days, or you can break it down and ask these questions on five date nights or five Fridays after school with a special snack in the car with your kids.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: You get the idea and you can just set apart the time.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Set apart nine minutes five times and you'll get through all of the questions.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: It won't take forever and it could be a real game changer.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: So here's to more turn taking just nine minutes at a time.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening today.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Do you have questions you'd love to ask but don't because you aren't sure who to ask, or you'd rather not let the world in on not having it all together?
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: I get it.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: I get lots of questions all the time, from parenting to business development, to Bible study, recommendations to the best meal to serve a crowd and even how to navigate hard conversations.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: My husband and kids call me Google, and since I'm a problem solver by nature and love research, it sort of fits.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: So I am so excited to answer your questions.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: You can share your questions with me by DMing me on Instagram at Jennifer Sice and I'll answer your questions on an upcoming episode.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: So here's to more intentional connection and less grind, nine minutes at a time.