Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Fighting 101 (Part 2) 5 Questions To Prevent A Conversation From Turning Into An Argument

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Fighting 101 (Part 2) 5 Questions To Prevent A Conversation From Turning Into An Argument · I Do, Part 2

0:02
Speaker 1: Hey there, everybody. It is Saturday, August 29th. Welcome to
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Speaker 1: Amy and TJ. We are doing part two now of
0:09
Speaker 1: Fighting 101. I know you don't love the word fighting,
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Speaker 1: but that is oftentimes where couples find themselves and people
0:17
Speaker 1: in general. So this next episode, I love. Five things
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Speaker 1: to ask yourself to prevent a conversation from turning into
0:28
Speaker 1: a fight. The truth is the power is within each
0:32
Speaker 1: of us to do better and to be better. And
0:34
Speaker 1: that was part of what you were saying at the
0:36
Speaker 1: end of our last episode.
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Speaker 2: To avoid a fight. So this is not bringing, so
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Speaker 2: this is like just maybe a normal conversation and then
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Speaker 2: things escalate versus in the last episode we were talking
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Speaker 2: more so if you have an issue with somebody. Is
0:47
Speaker 2: it fair?
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Speaker 1: Well, it's also about when you, it's acknowledging when you're
0:50
Speaker 1: getting triggered. So it might not start out as a fight,
0:52
Speaker 1: but someone says something you don't like. Someone does something
0:55
Speaker 1: you don't like. And somehow something that was small turns
1:00
Speaker 1: into something huge. And these are five things you can do,
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Speaker 1: you can ask yourself before you escalate it. And we
1:08
Speaker 1: all have to take responsibility that each of us have
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Speaker 1: escalated conversations that didn't have to become fights that become huge,
1:16
Speaker 1: huge divisive issues. You and I have experienced this. I
1:18
Speaker 1: think every couple has experienced this.
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Speaker 2: We'll look back and say- Not us. Everything's been perfect here.
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Speaker 1: Why did that become such a big thing? Damn it. And,
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Speaker 1: and this is such, I think this is one of
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Speaker 1: the biggest, biggest problems. My mom used to always say,
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Speaker 1: and has always said, and we've agreed, you're never fighting
1:37
Speaker 1: about what you're fighting about. And that's kind of what
1:40
Speaker 1: this episode is about. I got this from happy couples connect.
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Speaker 1: It's an Instagram feed. This is This Instagram feed is amazing.
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Speaker 1: I couldn't stop looking at it. And this is about,
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Speaker 1: it's a healthy communication and conflict repair site for couples.
1:57
Speaker 1: And this is about, when you have a trigger, instead
2:01
Speaker 1: of getting triggered, get curious, start asking questions. And Their
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Speaker 1: point is every single human being in a relationship at
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Speaker 1: some point has felt triggered, meaning the moment we feel
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Speaker 1: bad or we feel upset or we're angry, we 100%
2:18
Speaker 1: make it about the other person. It's their tone. It's
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Speaker 1: their timing. It's what they didn't say or what they
2:26
Speaker 1: said was wrong. Have you ever felt that? Obviously, I
2:30
Speaker 1: felt that. Have you ever felt that?
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Speaker 2: Felt what? Because... Triggered. Uh, not that often. Uh, no,
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Speaker 2: not that often. What would my, what are my triggers?
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Speaker 1: Feeling like you're not being the man you think I
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Speaker 1: think you should be, or I don't know.
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Speaker 2: I can't tell you.
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Speaker 1: I can't tell you what the triggers, what your triggers are.
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Speaker 1: If you say you don't have any, then you don't
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Speaker 1: have any.
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Speaker 2: No, I'm sure. But I'm asking in your experience and
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Speaker 2: what have you seen trigger me? What kind of get
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Speaker 2: upset about what? Something to do with Sabine, maybe something
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Speaker 2: to do with us, something. What triggers me? I'm not
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Speaker 2: really sure.
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Speaker 1: Well, you're the only one who could answer that. I
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Speaker 1: wouldn't even want to try to answer that for you.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I just don't know if I ever react to
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Speaker 2: something that I'm not aware of reacting to.
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Speaker 1: I think everyone immediately goes, wait, you're saying I'm a monster?
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Speaker 1: I'm terrible? I think that is part of being triggered
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Speaker 1: where you're internalizing something or a complaint about something. you
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Speaker 1: and then, and I, oh my God, I do this.
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Speaker 1: I think every human does this. And all of a
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Speaker 1: sudden you think, wait, you're saying you, you go to,
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Speaker 1: you're saying I'm an awful person. You're saying I'm terrible.
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Speaker 1: And so they say, this is about old wounds that
3:44
Speaker 1: basically are the fear of not being chosen, the fear
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Speaker 1: of being too much, the fear of being ignored, the
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Speaker 1: fear of ending up alone. I think, and I fully
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Speaker 1: admit that all of those things play a role in
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Speaker 1: so much of my mental health space that you have to,
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Speaker 1: it's about acknowledging it. So you don't have any of
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Speaker 1: those fears?
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Speaker 2: Fears of, list them again.
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Speaker 1: Fear of not being chosen.
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Speaker 2: Not really.
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Speaker 1: Fear of being too much.
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Speaker 2: Not really.
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Speaker 1: Fear of being ignored.
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Speaker 2: I wish.
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Speaker 1: Fear of being misunderstood.
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Speaker 2: Happens all the time.
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Speaker 1: Fear of ending up alone.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know what that's about.
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Speaker 1: What was the first one again?
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Speaker 2: What was the first one?
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Speaker 1: Of not being chosen.
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Speaker 2: Of not being chosen. I don't know. I don't know.
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Speaker 1: What fears do you have?
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Speaker 2: I have fear about the health and safety of family
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Speaker 2: and friends, people I care about. Personal. Personal fears?
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I have fear of not being able to provide.
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Speaker 2: I have a fear of coming up short as a
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Speaker 2: dad or somebody not being proud of me or Those
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Speaker 2: are the types of things I.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's the same thing. Those are all like
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Speaker 1: fear of... Those fears play into every conflict. And we
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Speaker 1: all have them. So, I mean, yours are maybe different
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Speaker 1: than others, but everyone, every human being has fears of
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Speaker 1: not being good enough, basically, to that extent, to maybe
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Speaker 1: put it up in a... Would you agree with that
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Speaker 1: or no?
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Speaker 2: You think... I don't know. I understand what you're saying.
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Speaker 2: I just came up in a country that always told
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Speaker 2: me I wasn't good enough. I have, in all seriousness,
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Speaker 2: you and I have had conversations and we look at
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Speaker 2: things differently. I have from birth told I'm not as
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Speaker 2: good as the white boy next to me. My whole life.
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Speaker 2: I've been trained to know that. I've been trained to
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Speaker 2: have a chip on my shoulder to have to outwork,
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Speaker 2: outsmart everybody around me. I don't, so no, a fear
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Speaker 2: of not being, oh no, I've been told that.
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Speaker 1: But that's triggering, Dan.
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Speaker 2: And I'm convinced of that. And I know that. Therefore...
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Speaker 2: I don't have a fear of not being that. This
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Speaker 2: country makes it clear that's what I am.
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Speaker 1: But you're operating through that lens, and that's tough. And
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Speaker 1: I'm not saying it wasn't imposed on you, but I'm
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Speaker 1: saying that is a part of your psyche.
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Speaker 2: It's peace to where I don't get offended by something
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Speaker 2: at work that a white boy might because he has
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Speaker 2: an expectation of how things were supposed to go for him.
6:18
Speaker 2: And I always expected not to go that way for me. Yeah,
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Speaker 2: so what you're saying is, yes, we have different experiences,
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Speaker 2: but because of that, I don't necessarily have a fear
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Speaker 2: of not being good enough. I know I'm not. The
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Speaker 2: country tells me that. Pete Hegseth tells me that every
6:34
Speaker 2: chance he gets.
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Speaker 1: Seriously. But that's triggering, though, isn't it? I mean, in
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Speaker 1: that moment, when those moments happen, I know you can
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Speaker 1: expect it, but doesn't it still hurt? Don't you still
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Speaker 1: feel pain?
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Speaker 2: Do you think I feel pain every time a story
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Speaker 2: has come up? Somebody dropped the N-word and black folks
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Speaker 2: are supposed to be offended and this and that. I'm like, yeah,
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Speaker 2: that's exactly what we expect. That's exactly what happens. Yeah.
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Speaker 2: I don't know if that's triggering to us because that's
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Speaker 2: just life to us. So there are other things that might, yeah,
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Speaker 2: that might. I can't think of. I'll give something by
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Speaker 2: the end of the episode.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. No, I'm just curious. But the typical reactions for
7:16
Speaker 1: people who are triggered, defensive. You become defensive. You get sharp,
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Speaker 1: sharp words, harsh comments. You, you can shut down. You
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Speaker 1: just shut down because what's, it's not worth it. Right. Um,
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Speaker 1: and then yes, hard conversations turn into a fight. And
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Speaker 1: the point being is almost every time we react in
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Speaker 1: a disagreement, this is what these experts say. It almost
7:44
Speaker 1: always has very little to do with our partner and
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Speaker 1: And it almost always has something to do with what's
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Speaker 1: happening inside of us. And I think that is, I mean,
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Speaker 1: that's just where we like, we can know it. It's
7:58
Speaker 1: you got to put it into practice. And so here
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Speaker 1: are the five questions to ask yourself. Okay. So this
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Speaker 1: is the moment when you feel something and you know
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Speaker 1: what I, you might not like the word triggered, but
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Speaker 1: you know, if I say something to you and you
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Speaker 1: feel your chest tighten and you feel like, Ooh, what
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Speaker 1: did she just say? Right. So the first question to
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Speaker 1: ask yourself.
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Speaker 2: Oh, I got it. I'll just say it to the end.
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Speaker 2: I just thought of something.
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Speaker 1: Oh, you did. Okay. Wait, do you want to say
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Speaker 1: it now?
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Speaker 2: It's the, yeah, and I remember a particular time you
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Speaker 2: did or have done it, but to the suggestion that
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Speaker 2: my being dismissive of my hard work is a triggering
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Speaker 2: situation for me.
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Speaker 1: Yes.
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Speaker 2: Because this happened, I can actually remember how insulting it
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Speaker 2: was at GMA that all of my white counterparts, because
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Speaker 2: of my success, they always, well, TJ is just so funny. Well,
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Speaker 2: he's friends with the anchors. That's why he's so successful.
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Speaker 2: That's why he's doing so well and getting all this
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Speaker 2: stuff that we ain't getting is because he's funny and
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Speaker 2: they like him and dah, dah, dah, dah. Not realizing
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Speaker 2: I outworked everybody over there. I absolutely did. And you've
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Speaker 2: said some stuff to me before and being dismissive of
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Speaker 2: my work that you've known That is triggering for me.
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Speaker 2: That absolutely sets me off.
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Speaker 1: Yep, exactly. So the first question you ask yourself, what
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Speaker 1: am I actually reacting to right now? Is it this
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Speaker 1: moment what just happened or is this something that feels familiar?
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Speaker 1: Is this a theme in my life? And you really
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Speaker 1: have to ask yourself, am I reacting to what they
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Speaker 1: just said? Or am I reacting to something that I
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Speaker 1: have felt over and over and over again? And if
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Speaker 1: you recognize the feeling you're feeling, then it's something that
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Speaker 1: you have to work on. It's a trigger inside you.
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Speaker 1: because someone asks you something, you just have to, you
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Speaker 1: have to really get curious and really pay attention to
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Speaker 1: when and why you feel something. And if it's a
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Speaker 1: familiar feeling, I think that landed for me. Ooh, I
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Speaker 1: felt this way before. Maybe it has something to do
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Speaker 1: with me. It has something more to do with me
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Speaker 1: than it does with them. So that's the first question.
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Speaker 1: What am I actually reacting to right now? Number two,
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Speaker 1: What story am I telling myself about their intent? I
10:28
Speaker 1: think this is huge. Am I assuming rejection? Am I
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Speaker 1: assuming disrespect? Am I saying they're disrespecting me? So I
10:37
Speaker 1: am creating an intent. I'm making a story in my head.
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Speaker 1: So I hear something I don't like that triggers me.
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Speaker 1: And now I'm saying, wow, they're so disrespectful of me. Wow,
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Speaker 1: they actually don't give a shit about me. Wow, they
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Speaker 1: actually think that little of me. And that's a story
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Speaker 1: I'm telling myself about their intent. Does that land?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a tough one for me. Somebody to keep
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Speaker 2: in mind. It is. Say the whole thing again. You're
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Speaker 2: supposed to what?
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Speaker 1: Yep. So five questions to ask yourself. The first one,
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Speaker 1: what am I actually reacting to right now? Number two,
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Speaker 1: what story am I telling myself about their intent?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's.
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Speaker 1: That's the key.
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Speaker 2: That's going to be a tough one to put in practice.
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Speaker 1: It is. But I actually, that one landed so much
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Speaker 1: for me. I was like, whoa, absolutely have done that.
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Speaker 1: And I think every person, if they're honest with themselves,
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Speaker 1: absolutely has done that.
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Speaker 2: That's what you do all day long. And I always say, babe,
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Speaker 2: just ask. We were talking about a thought bubble the
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Speaker 2: other day. Why are you just asking me? if what's
11:36
Speaker 2: going on.
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Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. And then sometimes, look, there are
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Speaker 1: times when, yes, you have felt disrespected, but I never
11:43
Speaker 1: intended to disrespect you. I'm not saying I didn't, but
11:46
Speaker 1: that everyone puts this story, look what they did. They
11:50
Speaker 1: disrespected me, when actually that might not be their intent.
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Speaker 1: It happened. But anyway, what story?
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Speaker 2: But the intent, see, that's a different situation.
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Speaker 1: We assign intent to people. That was my point. Just
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Speaker 1: in terms of asking yourself, what story am I telling
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Speaker 1: myself about their intent? Do you know what I mean?
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Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
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Speaker 2: Well, then the other part of that is, what am
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Speaker 2: I telling myself about their intent versus something they just
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Speaker 2: said I reacted to and was offended by?
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: And that's okay. The intent doesn't necessarily matter sometimes.
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Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. No, it doesn't. No, I agree. I'm not
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Speaker 1: lessening the blow. I'm saying we create an intent in
12:29
Speaker 1: our minds about the other person that might not be true.
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Speaker 1: That's my point. Or that's not my point. That's their point.
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Speaker 1: Number three, what do I need before I keep talking?
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Speaker 1: And the point here is regulate yourself first because words last.
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Speaker 1: Whatever you say, you may say something in the heat
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Speaker 1: of the moment that you don't mean, but it's hard
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Speaker 1: for the other person to forget. They remember it. They
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Speaker 1: hear it. It stays with them. So what do I
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Speaker 1: need before I keep talking? Maybe that's, I really want
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Speaker 1: to keep this conversation going, but I need... I need
13:05
Speaker 1: a minute, I need 10 minutes, I need to breathe,
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Speaker 1: whatever it is to make sure you don't say something
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Speaker 1: you regret. So what do I need before I keep talking?
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Speaker 1: That's huge. The next question.
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Speaker 2: A drink, is that okay?
13:18
Speaker 1: Yes, I mean, I'm sure, yes. Whatever, it said regulation first.
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Speaker 1: So for every person, it's different. How do you need
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Speaker 1: to regulate yourself? Regulate yourself before you speak. That's huge.
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Speaker 1: Number four, am I trying to be understood? Or am
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Speaker 1: I trying to protect myself? And here's the difference. Protection
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Speaker 1: comes off as defensiveness. Understanding sounds like honesty. So you
13:48
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself, am I actually trying to be
13:50
Speaker 1: understood or am I trying to protect myself?
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Speaker 2: Man, these are true. You have to write these down, folks.
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Speaker 2: These are tricky to keep up with.
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Speaker 1: I'll say them all again, but I actually want to
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Speaker 1: put them on a bulletin board. And number five, this
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Speaker 1: is key. What would repair look like here? You ask
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Speaker 1: yourself this. And the answer is not being right and
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Speaker 1: not winning. That is what repair looks like.
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Speaker 2: And what's the point of fighting if you're not trying
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Speaker 2: to win?
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Speaker 1: You're trying to understand.
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Speaker 2: I was only kidding, but still.
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Speaker 1: And you're trying to reconnect, I guess. That's the point.
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Speaker 1: So I'm going to go over the five questions to
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Speaker 1: ask yourself. What am I actually reacting to right now?
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Speaker 1: What story am I telling myself about their intent? What
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Speaker 1: do I need before I keep talking? Am I trying
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Speaker 1: to be understood or am I trying to protect myself?
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Speaker 1: What would repair look like here? That's hard to be
14:50
Speaker 1: able to do that in the moment, but they say
14:51
Speaker 1: practice makes perfect. Now, when we come back, this is
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Speaker 1: one of my favorite parts of this site that I saw.
14:59
Speaker 1: It's the two truth theory. In every conflict, how about this?
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Speaker 1: What if both people's perspectives are valid, even if they
15:09
Speaker 1: completely contradict each other? Welcome back, everyone, to part two
15:23
Speaker 1: of Fighting 101. And I have been fascinated by this site,
15:28
Speaker 1: Happy Couples Connect. And they had five things to ask
15:32
Speaker 1: yourself to prevent a conversation from turning into a full-blown fight.
15:36
Speaker 1: But they also have a suggestion about learning about operating
15:41
Speaker 1: through this two-truth theory. And I said it before the break,
15:45
Speaker 1: but basically... you can be on completely different sides of things,
15:50
Speaker 1: have feelings and reactions that contradict one another, where you're like,
15:54
Speaker 1: I don't understand you. How could you even think that?
15:57
Speaker 1: I mean, I think these are all really common themes
15:59
Speaker 1: and fights, right? Um, this is what they say. Their
16:04
Speaker 1: research has shown 67% of fights are unsolvable because you're
16:10
Speaker 1: not supposed to win them. You're actually supposed to manage
16:14
Speaker 1: them with respect. And start to understand the other person.
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Speaker 1: But 67% of fights are unsolvable because you're not actually
16:23
Speaker 1: supposed to win them. You're not supposed to prove to
16:26
Speaker 1: the other person you were right or prove that the
16:28
Speaker 1: other person was wrong. You're actually just supposed to try
16:31
Speaker 1: and the fights are supposed to expose what you need
16:35
Speaker 1: to learn about each other.
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Speaker 2: I thought that was always the case. As much as
16:38
Speaker 2: we joke about who won a fight, it's never supposed
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Speaker 2: to be the point of a fight, is it?
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Speaker 1: I mean, I think maybe sometimes if things and people
16:46
Speaker 1: have dangerous behaviors, maybe there are cases in which you
16:49
Speaker 1: would possibly need to have somebody understand something to the
16:55
Speaker 1: point where they realize they're wrong. Like there could be
16:57
Speaker 1: damaging or dangerous behavior. But you're right. I think most
16:59
Speaker 1: times if you're trying to win a fight, you're going
17:02
Speaker 1: to lose. Everyone's going to lose. And so they said
17:05
Speaker 1: when you can hold two truths to exist at the
17:09
Speaker 1: same time, and you stop fighting to be right to
17:13
Speaker 1: prove your truth is truer than their truth, then that's
17:17
Speaker 1: actually when the fight means something because you're actually trying
17:21
Speaker 1: to understand each other.
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Speaker 2: Do they give an example?
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Speaker 1: Yep. I have several examples. I'm so glad you asked. Okay.
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Speaker 1: Here's truth one. Okay. This is one partner. You wanted
17:29
Speaker 1: to help. Your intention wasn't to make them feel criticized.
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Speaker 1: The other truth, they feel judged and they feel like
17:36
Speaker 1: they can never do anything right. Those two truths can
17:40
Speaker 1: absolutely exist and coexist and both be right.
17:43
Speaker 2: Say that example again.
17:45
Speaker 1: So one person's truth.
17:46
Speaker 2: One person's truth is what?
17:48
Speaker 1: I wanted to help.
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Speaker 2: I wanted to help.
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Speaker 1: My intention wasn't to make you feel criticized. The other
17:53
Speaker 1: person's truth is they feel judged and they feel like
17:56
Speaker 1: they can never do anything right.
17:58
Speaker 2: Okay, give me another example.
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Speaker 1: Okay. You try to fix your partner's problems because you
18:02
Speaker 1: don't want them to feel sad. This has happened to us.
18:07
Speaker 1: The other truth. They feel invalidated because they don't want solutions.
18:10
Speaker 1: They want empathy.
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Speaker 2: These aren't. Okay, go ahead. You got another example? How
18:16
Speaker 2: many of these you got?
18:17
Speaker 1: I got two more examples.
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Speaker 2: Okay, please.
18:19
Speaker 1: Truth one. You say you're trying to change negative behavior
18:23
Speaker 1: and you are really trying. Truth two. They still feel
18:26
Speaker 1: hopeless because they're not seeing any changes.
18:28
Speaker 2: I'm really trying. Okay, give me the last one.
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Speaker 1: The last one. I love this one. You are not
18:35
Speaker 1: responsible for your partner's feelings. That is true. The other true,
18:39
Speaker 1: your actions do impact how they feel, and you should
18:41
Speaker 1: be mindful of that.
18:43
Speaker 2: Okay. Finally, we got to one that I can say
18:45
Speaker 2: is total bullshit. The last one. Say it again.
18:49
Speaker 1: Oh, see, I think this one was the one that
18:50
Speaker 1: landed the most for me. Say it again. One truth,
18:53
Speaker 1: you are not responsible for your partner's feelings.
18:55
Speaker 2: Okay. So that you're saying, that is one partner.
18:57
Speaker 1: That is absolutely true. Okay. There can also, at the
18:59
Speaker 1: same time, this other truth can exist. Your actions do
19:02
Speaker 1: impact how they feel, and you should be mindful of that.
19:05
Speaker 2: Okay. The truth there is that second one. That's just fact.
19:11
Speaker 2: So when I was listening in Robs, in every situation,
19:14
Speaker 2: this sounds like you're giving somebody away. You know what?
19:18
Speaker 2: It's maybe the best line of that movie, Couples of Truth,
19:22
Speaker 2: for a treat.
19:23
Speaker 1: Yeah.
19:23
Speaker 2: I know my truth. I know my truth. That was
19:26
Speaker 2: Vince Vaughn. I know my truth. No matter what they said,
19:29
Speaker 2: I know my truth. So that's a weird way to
19:33
Speaker 2: go about because you're almost, I don't know. That last
19:36
Speaker 2: one got me. Robes, there are realities in relationships. And
19:39
Speaker 2: I would advise anybody, if you're going back and forth
19:42
Speaker 2: on that truth, you should consider everything you do has
19:46
Speaker 2: an impact on your partner's feelings. It just does. If
19:49
Speaker 2: you want to take the other positions like you a
19:51
Speaker 2: grown-ass man i ain't responsible for how you feel you
19:55
Speaker 2: can but that's just not reality truth and truth fine
20:01
Speaker 2: they're also facts in life your truth your truth Go
20:06
Speaker 2: back to the third one for me again.
20:08
Speaker 1: One, two, three. Okay. You say you're trying to change
20:13
Speaker 1: your negative behavior and you really are trying. The other
20:16
Speaker 1: truth is they still feel hopeless because they're not seeing
20:18
Speaker 1: any changes.
20:19
Speaker 2: So here's the thing. Say it again. You really are trying.
20:22
Speaker 2: Read that first one again for me.
20:23
Speaker 1: You say you're trying. And again, these are not from me.
20:25
Speaker 1: These are from happy couple experts who say this is
20:28
Speaker 1: the key to saving their marriage. They said their marriage
20:30
Speaker 1: was saved.
20:30
Speaker 2: Okay.
20:32
Speaker 1: You say you're trying to change negative behavior. You're saying
20:35
Speaker 1: you tried. And you are really trying.
20:37
Speaker 2: And you are really trying. And this is where I stop.
20:40
Speaker 2: At some point, you just have to be better. Right?
20:43
Speaker 2: You can say you try and try and try and
20:45
Speaker 2: try and try. But what if you keep doing and
20:48
Speaker 2: doing and doing and doing and doing? Like, I'm listening.
20:51
Speaker 2: I just, it's a matter of respect. These aren't truths. Really?
20:56
Speaker 2: I see a clear side in all of these truths
21:00
Speaker 2: you're giving me.
21:01
Speaker 1: But the point is to not try and do that,
21:03
Speaker 1: to try and actually see the other as a truth
21:05
Speaker 1: to the other person. And that's how you come together.
21:08
Speaker 1: And it's not that you have to let go of
21:10
Speaker 1: your truth. Your truth still exists, but trying to understand
21:14
Speaker 1: the other truth to that person. And it might be
21:16
Speaker 1: just so opposite of what you think and how you operate.
21:20
Speaker 1: And their point is, this is a couple who says
21:23
Speaker 1: it saved their marriage by trying to validate both people's perspectives.
21:28
Speaker 1: Even if you think the other person is completely, like
21:31
Speaker 1: it completely contradicts what your truth is. You still, if
21:35
Speaker 1: you can hold space that that is their truth, Vince Vaughn,
21:39
Speaker 1: I know my truth. Even if you is not true
21:42
Speaker 1: for you, it's respecting that it's true for them. And
21:45
Speaker 1: I think that is the difficult part that creates so
21:50
Speaker 1: much of this conflict. I just thought it was interesting,
21:52
Speaker 1: a two-truth theory that you hold space that even though
21:56
Speaker 1: you don't, it's not a truth for you, that it's
21:59
Speaker 1: a truth for them. And there's a level of respect
22:02
Speaker 1: and that just gives an opportunity for connection. You don't
22:05
Speaker 1: have to agree to respect one another. And where they're
22:12
Speaker 1: coming from. And that people have wildly different perspectives and
22:15
Speaker 1: wildly different experiences. Okay.
22:19
Speaker 2: That doesn't go anywhere towards conflict resolution when you have
22:22
Speaker 2: to sometimes, Ro, sometimes. Let's use the Vince Vaughn example.
22:26
Speaker 2: If you haven't watched Couples Retreat, do it today. Sweetheart,
22:30
Speaker 2: he got nicked on the leg, right? And he said
22:33
Speaker 2: he got attacked by a shark.
22:34
Speaker 1: Yep.
22:34
Speaker 2: And he ruined the night with his friends. Because he
22:37
Speaker 2: got attacked by a shark, and he had a scratch
22:39
Speaker 2: that required a Band-Aid that you would get at the
22:41
Speaker 2: children's pediatrician, right?
22:43
Speaker 1: Yep.
22:44
Speaker 2: Okay, so I know my truth. I know my truth.
22:46
Speaker 2: There are times where reality trumps truth, and if I
22:49
Speaker 2: leave too much respect for you to be that, that.
22:56
Speaker 1: Look, I don't know, but if I applied the two-truth theory,
23:00
Speaker 1: what you would say is, okay, his truth is that
23:02
Speaker 1: he was attacked by a shark.
23:03
Speaker 2: Attacked by a shark.
23:04
Speaker 1: Your truth is he's being an absolute exaggerating crybaby who
23:11
Speaker 1: is being ridiculous.
23:12
Speaker 2: It's not my truth. This is fact. We are ruining
23:15
Speaker 2: a night because he has a scratch on his neck.
23:17
Speaker 1: But how about this? If the friends at that table said, OK,
23:21
Speaker 1: that's your truth. That's not how we see it. But
23:23
Speaker 1: if that's your truth, we respect that. And then he
23:26
Speaker 1: maybe he wouldn't have stormed off and said, I'm going
23:28
Speaker 1: home because they were laughing at him. They were making
23:30
Speaker 1: fun of him. The point being is to try and
23:34
Speaker 1: find a level of respect, even if you it's not
23:38
Speaker 1: your truth. OK, I guess that's the point. I would
23:42
Speaker 1: think in that case, but it was comedic and hilarious
23:44
Speaker 1: and we've used it often.
23:46
Speaker 2: I know my truth.
23:47
Speaker 1: In a funny way. I don't think we've used it
23:49
Speaker 1: in the heat of an argument.
23:51
Speaker 2: But now I have permission to do so. That shuts
23:54
Speaker 2: down every argument. There's nothing you can say to me.
23:57
Speaker 2: There's no argument you can make. There is no wrong
24:00
Speaker 2: you can tell me I do. Because, baby, I know
24:02
Speaker 2: my truth.
24:02
Speaker 1: Well, you're taking that in a negative way. The positive
24:05
Speaker 1: way is that you extend that to the other person.
24:09
Speaker 1: So I extend it to you and you extend it
24:10
Speaker 1: to me. You don't need to defend yourself because I'm
24:13
Speaker 1: accepting that that's your truth.
24:15
Speaker 2: Okay. So this ends all fights.
24:17
Speaker 1: It should. Right?
24:19
Speaker 2: At the beginning.
24:19
Speaker 1: Conceptually, yes. Because if I accept that's your truth and
24:23
Speaker 1: you accept that it's my truth, we don't have to
24:24
Speaker 1: be angry at each other.
24:26
Speaker 2: We don't at all.
24:26
Speaker 1: We don't. We can just say, wow, that is not
24:29
Speaker 1: how I think, but I respect where your head is
24:32
Speaker 1: and I will honor what you feel. And if that
24:36
Speaker 1: requires an apology, I'm sorry. And you can say, and
24:39
Speaker 1: I don't, your truth is foreign as hell to me,
24:43
Speaker 1: but I'm sorry for... saying things that upset you. And
24:50
Speaker 1: then there's just... And you don't have to... Like, that's
24:53
Speaker 1: the thing.
24:53
Speaker 2: That's awesome.
24:53
Speaker 1: You need to understand. You need to agree with me.
24:56
Speaker 1: You need to accept. No, you could just have... It's
24:59
Speaker 1: radical acceptance, I guess, is what this kind of is,
25:01
Speaker 1: the two-truth theory.
25:02
Speaker 2: That's going to be awesome. Yeah, try this. Fellas, try this.
25:06
Speaker 2: When she's yelling at the top of her lungs that
25:10
Speaker 2: you didn't clean the dishes for two straight days and
25:13
Speaker 2: left them in the sink, okay?
25:16
Speaker 1: Say.
25:18
Speaker 2: Uh, babe, I, my truth is that I really didn't
25:20
Speaker 2: understand you were serious when you said you wanted to
25:22
Speaker 2: make sure I did that. That's my truth.
25:25
Speaker 1: Oh, I don't think you're supposed to tell someone my
25:28
Speaker 1: truth contradicts with you. You just say, this is what's
25:30
Speaker 1: going on in your head. You accept their truth. You
25:33
Speaker 1: don't have to point out.
25:34
Speaker 2: But then how are they going to accept my truth?
25:37
Speaker 1: You just know that your truth is your truth. It's
25:40
Speaker 1: just about, the point is it's not about telling them
25:43
Speaker 1: why they're wrong. It's about validating their truth, even if
25:46
Speaker 1: you don't, if you have a different truth.
25:49
Speaker 2: Okay.
25:49
Speaker 1: I'm going to go over when you can hold both
25:52
Speaker 1: truths at the same time.
25:54
Speaker 2: Okay.
25:54
Speaker 1: You stop fighting to be right and you start working
25:58
Speaker 1: to understand. Yes. Yes. That's it.
26:01
Speaker 2: That makes sense.
26:01
Speaker 1: That's it. That makes sense. All right. So next up.
26:06
Speaker 1: We will have our third and final in our series
26:10
Speaker 1: of Fighting 101. And this is a question, and this
26:15
Speaker 1: might even not be about romantic relationships. It could be,
26:18
Speaker 1: but it could also be about friendships. That's certainly red
26:20
Speaker 1: for me. Do you have a resentful martyr in your life?
26:25
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that in our next episode.