Latest / I Said No Gifts! A comedy interview podcast with Bridger Winegar / A Fond Memory: Zach Woods Disobeys Bridger

Transcript

A Fond Memory: Zach Woods Disobeys Bridger · I Said No Gifts! A comedy interview podcast with Bridger Winegar

0:08
Speaker 1: Well, I invited you here, thought I made myself perfectly clear.
0:17
Speaker 1: When you're a guest to my home, you gotta come
0:22
Speaker 1: to me empty. And I said, no, guests, your presences
0:29
Speaker 1: presents enough. I already had too much stuff, So how
0:35
Speaker 1: did you dare to surbey me?
0:49
Speaker 2: Welcome to? I said, no gifts. I'm Bridger Wineker. We're
0:54
Speaker 2: in the backyard. What is happening? I've been to Trader
0:58
Speaker 2: Joees this morning. I went to three grocery restores. I
1:01
Speaker 2: gave myself permission to buy the expensive coffee and that
1:05
Speaker 2: it fell apart immediately, and I ended up at Trader Joe's.
1:09
Speaker 2: There I had an orange slice from the sample lady.
1:14
Speaker 2: I went around the aisle once and she was gone.
1:17
Speaker 2: The entire stand was gone. She was gone, completely surreal experience. Rip.
1:24
Speaker 2: Let's get into the podcast. Oh, I love today's guest.
1:29
Speaker 2: He is just so funny. It's Zach woods Zech. Welcome to.
1:32
Speaker 2: I said, no gifts, thank you.
1:33
Speaker 3: You feel like that woman was dead or I appeared
1:36
Speaker 3: that she was just a hallucination conjured by the bad coffee.
1:39
Speaker 2: I hope it's a hallucination, but I think she's been erased.
1:44
Speaker 2: She's been disappeared.
1:45
Speaker 3: Yeah, unmade. But you know, can I just paint a
1:48
Speaker 3: picture for your listeners because you can't hear this through
1:52
Speaker 3: the microphone. But Bridger is wearing them very understated and
1:56
Speaker 3: beautiful outfit that matches his surroundings perfectly. Where they're this
2:00
Speaker 3: kind of like I don't I'm not good at describing colors,
2:03
Speaker 3: but it's this kind of like warm magenta shirt and
2:06
Speaker 3: then this beautiful green jacket, and then there's these I
2:10
Speaker 3: don't know, I guess it's not that rewarding to hear
2:12
Speaker 3: someone describe colors over the over the internet, but it's
2:16
Speaker 3: very beautiful and I want to appreciate that.
2:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm in kind of a brown maroon. And then
2:22
Speaker 2: kind of I've thought about the color of this stracket
2:24
Speaker 2: before and I thought dark turquoise or is it teal?
2:27
Speaker 2: And I kind of landed on pacific. I feel like
2:30
Speaker 2: it's the color is pacific. Yeah, because teal? What is teal?
2:35
Speaker 2: I always think of a Pontiac grand am when I teal,
2:39
Speaker 2: it's like a it's more of a turquoise.
2:42
Speaker 3: Yeah, Teal sounds like like the color of a car
2:44
Speaker 3: that a father is distant from his children in. Yeah,
2:47
Speaker 3: do you feel that you dress in colors that reflect
2:51
Speaker 3: your mood or that are aspirational, Like will you dress
2:54
Speaker 3: in a better mood than you are in? Or do
2:57
Speaker 3: you dress in the mood that you are in? Does
2:59
Speaker 3: that make sense?
3:00
Speaker 2: That does make sense. If my mood is usually at
3:03
Speaker 2: a negative four, to get to a zero with an
3:06
Speaker 2: outfit would be incredible. So I guess I uh, it's
3:11
Speaker 2: just kind of the four things that are clean in
3:13
Speaker 2: my closet and that I haven't worn too recently. I'm
3:15
Speaker 2: getting tired of all my clothes. Oh interesting, I mean
3:19
Speaker 2: this shirt I've probably owned for fourteen years. Wow, let's wrong.
3:23
Speaker 3: Take care of it, I would say somewhat. You know
3:26
Speaker 3: Esther Peril. They're like, oh, of course, okay, So I
3:28
Speaker 3: have mixed feelings. I think she's brilliant, but I also
3:31
Speaker 3: think she's too focused on power. But anyway, but this
3:34
Speaker 3: is not a referendum an Esther Perrel. Esther Perrel in
3:37
Speaker 3: one of these books, talked about how she talked about
3:42
Speaker 3: how people who have affairs aren't having affairs because they're
3:47
Speaker 3: sick of their partner. It's that they're sick of the
3:49
Speaker 3: version of themselves that they are with their partner. Which
3:53
Speaker 3: I thought was interesting. And I don't know when you
3:56
Speaker 3: were just saying, like, I'm getting sick of my clothes.
3:58
Speaker 3: I feel periodically that I'll have the feeling of like
4:01
Speaker 3: wanting to be a different person familiar with and I
4:05
Speaker 3: will look to accessories to achieve that transformation.
4:09
Speaker 2: And what sort of accessories.
4:11
Speaker 3: Candles, scented candles. I'm obsessed with SCENTI candles, different incenses,
4:18
Speaker 3: a lot of scent stuff, different throws, quilts. It's a
4:21
Speaker 3: lot of kind of like old lady paraphernalia that I'll try.
4:24
Speaker 3: I guess that's what I'm trying to transition into. But
4:26
Speaker 3: it's such a it's such a slam dungk for capitalism.
4:30
Speaker 3: I guess that that that the impulse for personal growth
4:34
Speaker 3: immediately off ramps to shopify.
4:37
Speaker 2: Yes, so what sort of candles are you getting into?
4:43
Speaker 3: I will get DS andderga, I will get oh my god,
4:49
Speaker 3: there's this one h perfume. I don't know if you're
4:52
Speaker 3: supposed to say perfume A or perfumer. I don't know.
4:56
Speaker 3: I'm not French, contrary to popular belief, but U yeah,
5:00
Speaker 3: so those I like, I got this incense that smells
5:03
Speaker 3: like coffee and chocolate because usually you hear incense and
5:06
Speaker 3: you think it smells like a predatory yoga and.
5:08
Speaker 2: Of course, of course just a strange perfume smell.
5:12
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, like a kind of peturely with a whiff
5:17
Speaker 3: of misogyny in there, and and but but this is
5:21
Speaker 3: a coffee one that smells like coffee and chocolate.
5:24
Speaker 2: And it's purely chocolate and coffee. Yeah, there's no that's
5:27
Speaker 2: not confusing for you. For me, that's setting off a
5:31
Speaker 2: lot of hunger bells. That's making me think, why am
5:33
Speaker 2: I not eating? Like there's nothing in the oven baking.
5:37
Speaker 2: I think I would be baffled. But for you, it works.
5:40
Speaker 3: You know, someone told me, like I had a when
5:42
Speaker 3: I first got my dog. The trainer who we were
5:44
Speaker 3: working with, said, don't get one of those laser pointers
5:47
Speaker 3: that you point on the ground and they bat at
5:48
Speaker 3: because of exactly what you're describing. It's like this insatiable
5:52
Speaker 3: you want to get to the laser, but you can
5:54
Speaker 3: never get to the laser if you're the dog. And
5:56
Speaker 3: that's basically you're saying. It would be like a laser punter.
5:58
Speaker 3: It's like I want to get to that smell, but
6:00
Speaker 3: there is no there's no end of the tunnel. There's
6:03
Speaker 3: just the constant tease. I think I like enticement maybe
6:08
Speaker 3: more than contentment.
6:10
Speaker 2: Oh interesting. For you it is the journey, and for
6:12
Speaker 2: me it's purely the goal. The goal should be the beginning.
6:15
Speaker 2: For me, you want to be sated. I just want
6:17
Speaker 2: to be teased into a tizz someone. You know what
6:23
Speaker 2: I realized recently. This is gonna make me sound again
6:25
Speaker 2: like such an old lady. But I think it's jasmine,
6:28
Speaker 2: you know, the smell of jazzure. To me, that is
6:31
Speaker 2: like the smell of a crush, where it's like when
6:34
Speaker 2: you walk past jasmine, you just want to get closer
6:36
Speaker 2: and closer. You want to like get into the center
6:39
Speaker 2: of the thing, but you can't. Like what are you
6:41
Speaker 2: gonna do, like smash your head into.
6:42
Speaker 3: The bush, Like it won't work, and anyway, even if
6:45
Speaker 3: you did it, you wouldn't get you there. And that
6:46
Speaker 3: feeling of like it's like a I don't know anything
6:49
Speaker 3: about math, but I remember from like seventh grade asimp
6:51
Speaker 3: toads or whatever, where it's like the line is always
6:53
Speaker 3: getting closer and closer and closer. I never can right,
6:56
Speaker 3: And I think that's like a crush. That's my coffee, inceign.
7:00
Speaker 3: That's the smell of jasmine. It's the unreal unrealizable.
7:05
Speaker 2: There right, you just need the carrot dangling non stop, yes,
7:09
Speaker 2: just never able to quite munch on it.
7:11
Speaker 3: Let's hope.
7:14
Speaker 2: I need a hope and I need results. I just
7:18
Speaker 2: need a result at the moment I begin or I'm
7:21
Speaker 2: giving up. We should go into business together. We cover
7:24
Speaker 2: each other's fine combination. Right, let's get us on shark tank. Well,
7:27
Speaker 2: we both do our own thing. I think would be
7:29
Speaker 2: very successful.
7:30
Speaker 3: I think we would do.
7:32
Speaker 2: Now, do you like a treat? I mean, like, if
7:34
Speaker 2: you were to have a chocolate, would you be happy?
7:37
Speaker 2: Or is it you're just fine with the smell?
7:39
Speaker 1: No?
7:39
Speaker 3: I like it very much. And I used to mainline,
7:43
Speaker 3: just go straight up garbage. I used to go to
7:46
Speaker 3: I lived in a hell's kitchen, and I would go
7:48
Speaker 3: to the deli at two in the morning and I
7:50
Speaker 3: would get like those tiny little apple pies wrapped in
7:53
Speaker 3: wax paper.
7:54
Speaker 2: Oh like the uh what are those called?
7:57
Speaker 3: Little something?
7:58
Speaker 2: Yeah? Like a little friendly or something.
8:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, little friendlies, little compulsions. And I would eat those
8:05
Speaker 3: and then I would but I would also order a
8:06
Speaker 3: cheese sandwich and sometimes like a sleeve of Pebveriage Farm
8:11
Speaker 3: cookies and then what was left of the cheese sandwich
8:14
Speaker 3: I would put on top the cheese I would put
8:16
Speaker 3: on the pie like some sort of like.
8:20
Speaker 2: This is very taxi driver, your simple shepherd and taxi
8:23
Speaker 2: driver with the cheddar on the apple pie.
8:28
Speaker 3: You calling me simple shepherd and taxi driver is the
8:30
Speaker 3: nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
8:32
Speaker 2: That's what That's what I want from someone. I want
8:34
Speaker 2: someone to tell me that, and I'm not getting it.
8:37
Speaker 3: Bridger me and the your simple.
8:42
Speaker 2: Results just as for it, and you got the result
8:46
Speaker 2: I mean me asking for is more, Travis Bickle in
8:50
Speaker 2: the situation, the desperation, the the need, and uh you
8:54
Speaker 2: have this cool You're putting the cheese sandwich over the
8:58
Speaker 2: top of a disgusting little apple pie. Good for you.
9:01
Speaker 3: Do you feel like you have an inner Travis Bickle?
9:05
Speaker 3: Do you feel like there's that like, under the right
9:08
Speaker 3: social conditions, you could lose your shit, shave yourself into
9:12
Speaker 3: a mohawk, start like practicing with guns in the mirror,
9:14
Speaker 3: Like do you think there's a version of you that
9:17
Speaker 3: I want to.
9:17
Speaker 2: Believe that I have that the possibility of me becoming
9:22
Speaker 2: a completely dangerous person. Even a sliver of that would
9:26
Speaker 2: be so exciting. I think I have an maybe an
9:28
Speaker 2: inner king of comedy where I could kidnap and then,
9:32
Speaker 2: you know, try to make a hero my own.
9:34
Speaker 3: Who would you kidnap?
9:36
Speaker 2: Oh, that's a great question. Who let me think?
9:39
Speaker 3: It's hard?
9:39
Speaker 2: Right? Yeah? And it feels dangerous.
9:42
Speaker 3: I know that you're committing to it. It's it's definitely
9:45
Speaker 3: undermining the result. In other words, if you if you
9:48
Speaker 3: articulate your desire, you're warning them.
9:51
Speaker 2: You're absolutely warning them. And then I mean, but then
9:54
Speaker 2: it becomes more of a challenge because now I have
9:56
Speaker 2: to They've really told their security this is person to
10:00
Speaker 2: watch out for.
10:02
Speaker 3: Someone told me this thing, and I have no idea
10:04
Speaker 3: if it's true, but that like some guy was stalking
10:06
Speaker 3: Steven Spielberg because he thought that Steven Spielberg wanted him
10:12
Speaker 3: to make love to him, and they like found him
10:15
Speaker 3: with like Jurassic Park shit in his car. And I
10:18
Speaker 3: don't know if that's true or not, but I remember
10:19
Speaker 3: thinking how utterly terrifying that would be so scary to
10:24
Speaker 3: not just have his stocker bit to stalker who thinks
10:26
Speaker 3: that you're waiting for them eagerly. Just seems like truly harrowing.
10:32
Speaker 2: That reminds me of did you ever hear about David
10:35
Speaker 2: Letterman's stalker who was saying that she claimed David Letterman
10:38
Speaker 2: was stalking her?
10:40
Speaker 3: Oh wow, real?
10:41
Speaker 2: I mean a great, nice reverse stalking attempt, which nobody
10:46
Speaker 2: saw that coming.
10:47
Speaker 3: I'm not stalking you. You're stalking me.
10:49
Speaker 2: Stop stalking me. Stop taking me to court.
10:53
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're obsessed with me. You won't stop calling the
10:56
Speaker 3: police on me.
11:00
Speaker 2: Interesting, it's a very smart move. It's shrewd.
11:03
Speaker 3: It's really I'm trying to think who I would want. Okay,
11:06
Speaker 3: let's do it this way. You can kidnap someone. They're
11:09
Speaker 3: dead already. I'm not saying you're gonna kill some but
11:12
Speaker 3: I'm saying, so you're safe from incriminating.
11:14
Speaker 2: Right, So now a grave robber, So who would you
11:17
Speaker 2: they're still a grave would you rob?
11:18
Speaker 3: They're in exchange for the life of the woman who
11:20
Speaker 3: gave you the orange slice, they are re animated and
11:23
Speaker 3: give it directly into your possession.
11:25
Speaker 2: Right right? Okay, somebody dead who I would want to
11:28
Speaker 2: kidnap and keep in my home.
11:30
Speaker 3: That's what we're looking Yes, and I'll try to think
11:31
Speaker 3: about it too.
11:32
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm going to say, do you know who? Oh?
11:38
Speaker 2: I mean, the real problem here is I don't know
11:40
Speaker 2: any celebrity notes you can describe, just like I'm so
11:44
Speaker 2: bad celebrities me too.
11:45
Speaker 3: That's a good thing.
11:46
Speaker 2: I panic. I mean, there's a full segment of this
11:48
Speaker 2: podcast we do sometimes with celebrities. I'm like, I don't
11:50
Speaker 2: know who any of these people are.
11:53
Speaker 3: It's a mitzvah, It's a mitzvah.
11:56
Speaker 2: Who would you take that as? I'm like, who has died?
12:01
Speaker 2: Who are some people who have died in the last
12:03
Speaker 2: twenty years?
12:04
Speaker 3: David Bowie, David Bowie.
12:06
Speaker 2: Prince, But these are so obvious. I would, of course,
12:09
Speaker 2: I'd love to have David Bowie around the house.
12:11
Speaker 3: Of course, who wouldn't.
12:12
Speaker 2: I would take Prince at any point. I mean, the
12:15
Speaker 2: things you would get into with Prince, I mean, it
12:17
Speaker 2: would be it every day would be a sexual adventure.
12:21
Speaker 3: This is true heresy. And I'm ashamed of myself, and
12:25
Speaker 3: I don't think I'm right. I don't understand Prince. Oh, okay, well,
12:32
Speaker 3: I'm not proud of Zach, but it's true.
12:35
Speaker 2: How much of Prince have you listened?
12:37
Speaker 3: To I not a ton, okay, but partly because when
12:41
Speaker 3: I have I have a frightening feeling of incomprehension.
12:46
Speaker 2: Well there's I mean, first of all, there is so much.
12:49
Speaker 2: I mean, he was producing music from the seventies until
12:53
Speaker 2: eight years ago, and once we get into the nineties
12:56
Speaker 2: and thousands, it gets a lot spottier. So there's some
12:59
Speaker 2: I think it's hard. It's hard to penetrate his catalog.
13:03
Speaker 2: But what what sort of music do you listen to?
13:04
Speaker 3: I like that song he did about one two Princes
13:07
Speaker 3: will destroy You, That's what I said.
13:09
Speaker 2: I don't know this.
13:10
Speaker 3: It's a sort of biographical. I think, what is that.
13:14
Speaker 2: About?
13:14
Speaker 3: It's about a rich guy and then there's a poor
13:16
Speaker 3: guy and they're both fighting for the love of the
13:18
Speaker 3: same woman.
13:20
Speaker 2: Wait, what is I have no idea. What talk about one?
13:23
Speaker 3: Two Princes will destroy You?
13:26
Speaker 2: He's singing the spin Doctors, and I was thinking about
13:28
Speaker 2: the spin Doctors this morning.
13:29
Speaker 3: But I assume that that was gooes written by Prince.
13:32
Speaker 2: Of course, it's about you know, he was kind of
13:34
Speaker 2: a ghostwriter. It was that true. Yeah, he wrote a
13:36
Speaker 2: lot of songs that he would just give to friends
13:39
Speaker 2: under a different like a name like Christopher Smith or something.
13:41
Speaker 3: Under the name Paul Simon.
13:44
Speaker 2: But he wrote all Graceland.
13:47
Speaker 3: Amazing. I uh, I remember hearing that Bruce Springsteen wrote
13:52
Speaker 3: Hungry Heart for the Ramones, which I don't know if
13:54
Speaker 3: that's true.
13:55
Speaker 2: I leave that for one second. I like to tell
13:57
Speaker 2: why do you know what you need to do? The
14:00
Speaker 2: album that got me into Prince was Dirty Mind. It's
14:03
Speaker 2: like it's a little bit more, it's more bare bones,
14:07
Speaker 2: sounds a bit fresh. It's to be honest, sounds really fresh.
14:11
Speaker 2: It's Prince getting fresh for once in his life. The
14:15
Speaker 2: song when You Were Mine is one of the all
14:18
Speaker 2: time great songs. Listen to that one. That's the one
14:20
Speaker 2: that'll get you into it. It'll break your heart.
14:23
Speaker 3: It sounds like he might have taken that from Bruno Mars.
14:26
Speaker 3: I should have brought you followers. So if he's plagiarizing
14:30
Speaker 3: Bruno Mars, I don't want to support that.
14:32
Speaker 2: Well who I mean the significance of Bruno Mars on music.
14:36
Speaker 2: I mean, the impact he's had on artists from in
14:39
Speaker 2: every genre cannot.
14:41
Speaker 3: Be the Miles Davis of music. I've always said that about.
14:46
Speaker 2: I've always you know, Bruno Mars from I mean I
14:49
Speaker 2: think he's impacted me in other ways too, just in
14:53
Speaker 2: daily life.
14:54
Speaker 3: Spiritually, he's a very I mean, there are people who
14:58
Speaker 3: seem and I'm I'm sure this isn't true, because he's
15:02
Speaker 3: a person just like everyone else. There are people who
15:04
Speaker 3: seem so like luminously untroubled in their public persona, where
15:10
Speaker 3: they just seem healthy, happy together, you know, and and
15:17
Speaker 3: they don't wreak of that kind of sociopathic ambition even
15:22
Speaker 3: though they've somehow created empires for themselves, right. And I
15:26
Speaker 3: guess I think I'm not that familiar with Bruno Mars,
15:28
Speaker 3: but in my head he sort of falls into that category.
15:31
Speaker 2: I've never heard a Bruno Mars song from beginning to end,
15:34
Speaker 2: not once.
15:35
Speaker 3: Because you were crying so hard by the middle.
15:38
Speaker 2: I'm sobbing him on the floor. Turn off. I can't
15:43
Speaker 2: listen to another minute of what I should have brought you,
15:46
Speaker 2: I should have bought you, I should have bought you
15:48
Speaker 2: flowers or brought brought well. I mean it either way works.
15:53
Speaker 2: It's a really annoying one.
15:56
Speaker 3: I think that I literally only know that one Bruno
15:59
Speaker 3: Mars song at least.
16:00
Speaker 2: What's the really annoying one?
16:02
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, A lot.
16:05
Speaker 2: Just the way you are. Oh, there's one that's more
16:09
Speaker 2: of a vagacy number, kind.
16:11
Speaker 3: Of a locked out of heaven ay magic.
16:15
Speaker 2: I actually do like, how have we not gotten to
16:16
Speaker 2: the one I know? Ooh now?
16:19
Speaker 3: And I'm just looking at all these.
16:20
Speaker 2: Other uptown funk. Uptown Funk Funk is the one that
16:24
Speaker 2: I'm thinking about. An uptown funk, of course, is the
16:27
Speaker 2: one that's impacted generations. Not many people bought the single,
16:32
Speaker 2: but the ones that did every What they say is
16:34
Speaker 2: everyone who bought that single became a band that influential.
16:39
Speaker 2: I believe that they said that about Bruno Mars.
16:44
Speaker 3: Now, okay, so David Bowie Prince, those are people who
16:48
Speaker 3: but like, in terms of deep cuts, reanimated celebrities that
16:52
Speaker 3: you would like to possess.
16:54
Speaker 2: Re animated celebrities, Okay, I have to think of one
16:57
Speaker 2: celebrity there simply must be Actually I can think of.
17:01
Speaker 2: I put a celebrity that is alive that I wouldn't
17:03
Speaker 2: mind bringing home. Dian Waste.
17:06
Speaker 3: Oh wow, what a good choice.
17:08
Speaker 2: I would love to have her around the house.
17:11
Speaker 3: Yes, because I feel that like she would be a
17:14
Speaker 3: good barrier between despair and arrogance. In other words, if
17:18
Speaker 3: you got too low, Diane, Weast would intervene. And if
17:21
Speaker 3: you got too high, Diane, she would cut you down,
17:24
Speaker 3: but not in a way like she would be like
17:25
Speaker 3: a trimming she'd trim your tree. She wouldn't lumberjack, you know,
17:30
Speaker 3: she wouldn't.
17:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, it would feel healthy, and it'd be like, Okay,
17:33
Speaker 2: I'm going to I'm going to be the same person,
17:35
Speaker 2: but better. Right, she's at an age that you could
17:38
Speaker 2: probably you know, help her out. You would feel like
17:41
Speaker 2: you were helping each other.
17:43
Speaker 3: I once when I first I'm bringing my dog up
17:45
Speaker 3: a lot. When I first got my dog, I was
17:48
Speaker 3: talking to my therapist about it, about getting him my dog,
17:53
Speaker 3: and I said, well, you know, they want us to
17:55
Speaker 3: foster him first, but who are we kidding? But I
17:57
Speaker 3: don't know, you know, it's like I'm going to keep him.
17:59
Speaker 3: There no way I'm going to give him back, but
18:01
Speaker 3: they want us to foster. And she looked at me
18:04
Speaker 3: in the eyes and she went, everything's a foster. And
18:07
Speaker 3: I was like, wow, that's right, Like you don't get
18:11
Speaker 3: to keep playing. And I feel like that's like something
18:14
Speaker 3: I can easily imagine coming out of Diane West's mouth.
18:17
Speaker 2: You know what I meant kind of a whisper.
18:20
Speaker 3: Yeah, and everything's a foster. Everything's a foster.
18:23
Speaker 2: I love her voice.
18:25
Speaker 3: She's beautiful in every way that a person can be beautiful.
18:28
Speaker 2: Did we ever get to you with a celebrity?
18:34
Speaker 3: Weirdly, the first one that came to my head and
18:37
Speaker 3: I wouldn't want to possess her, but I would want
18:39
Speaker 3: her company is Olympia Ducacus.
18:41
Speaker 2: Oh fantastic, right, excellent, joy.
18:44
Speaker 3: Yeah. I just rewatched Moonstruck and I was like, that
18:47
Speaker 3: woman is incredible, irresistible. So that's one. I think another
18:53
Speaker 3: one would be I'm trying to think, oh fuck, oh fuck,
19:00
Speaker 3: oh fuck.
19:01
Speaker 2: It's hard. Anytime you're asked to recall information, the brain
19:06
Speaker 2: shuts down. I don't know why that is. Jimmy Carter,
19:09
Speaker 2: Jimmy Carter, I love Jimmy Carter, Sweet Jimmy.
19:12
Speaker 3: Carter, good man.
19:15
Speaker 2: Wow. Well, as much as I mean, we're clearly making
19:18
Speaker 2: excellent conversation out of just trying to think of a person.
19:22
Speaker 2: You and I can't recall a person. I mean, I'm
19:26
Speaker 2: me especially, It's just I barely know the two names
19:29
Speaker 2: of the people present with me right now. I'm just
19:31
Speaker 2: blanking on everything. So we're gonna move on from the
19:35
Speaker 2: subject because there's something more important I need to talk
19:37
Speaker 2: to you about. Jeez, I look, I was happy to
19:40
Speaker 2: have you on the podcast. Yeah, I was excited. I'll
19:42
Speaker 2: say I was excited. Zac's wonderful. There's no chance anything
19:46
Speaker 2: could possibly go wrong. And so you know, I've been
19:51
Speaker 2: doing this podcast for a while. Most episodes go okay.
19:54
Speaker 2: So I was a little surprised the podcast is called
19:59
Speaker 2: I said, no gifts, right, it's a little I don't
20:02
Speaker 2: I don't even know that. I'd say I was a
20:03
Speaker 2: little surprised. I would say I was floored. I was
20:05
Speaker 2: shocked when you came trotting into my backyard holding this gorgeous,
20:11
Speaker 2: shimmering pink bag, which and I don't want to I
20:16
Speaker 2: don't want to assume, but I'm going to what it's
20:20
Speaker 2: a gift for.
20:20
Speaker 3: Me, that's right. Thank you for describing my walk as
20:25
Speaker 3: a trot. Very few people understand my sort of a
20:28
Speaker 3: questrian elegance and the way that you obviously do. Thank you.
20:31
Speaker 3: I think of myself as a dressage horse first and foremost,
20:35
Speaker 3: and then secondly, I can't help it. I want to
20:40
Speaker 3: ruffle people's hair. I want to just I don't want
20:44
Speaker 3: to violate their boundaries, but I want to, you know,
20:47
Speaker 3: challenge the status quo. I'm lawless like that viture.
20:52
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, the ruffling the hair. It's kind of an
20:54
Speaker 2: uncle ergry.
20:56
Speaker 3: Can I tell you I was once on a train
21:00
Speaker 3: like this is maybe not this is pretty tangential. I
21:02
Speaker 3: was once on a train and a man. This is
21:05
Speaker 3: in my younger days. A man came up to me
21:08
Speaker 3: and I'm like ninety five percent sure he was flirting,
21:11
Speaker 3: and I was so flattered, and I'm straight, but this
21:18
Speaker 3: guy was so charming. And at one point I was
21:21
Speaker 3: wearing a tie, and when he was getting off the train,
21:25
Speaker 3: he did this thing where he reached out and sort
21:28
Speaker 3: of tugged on my tie a little bit, oh, not
21:32
Speaker 3: a lot, just like it was sort of like half
21:34
Speaker 3: straightening it, half giving it, like a little tug right.
21:37
Speaker 3: And I remember thinking, if I wasn't straight, I would
21:40
Speaker 3: be falling into your arms.
21:43
Speaker 2: It was so the most erotic thing a person could
21:46
Speaker 2: possibly do.
21:47
Speaker 3: It was amazing. It was like carrying assertive. It like
21:51
Speaker 3: sort of trans It crossed the boundary of strangers and
21:55
Speaker 3: physical distance. But it wasn't scary. I was just like
21:58
Speaker 3: you are a.
21:59
Speaker 2: Master the amount of yeah, that little bit of caring
22:03
Speaker 2: and just wanting you to be better. Yes, yes, also
22:06
Speaker 2: like clearly being like, oh this guy looks good, but
22:08
Speaker 2: he could look better.
22:09
Speaker 3: Yes, And I'm gonna like give it a little I
22:13
Speaker 3: don't know I was like that.
22:15
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm lightheaded thinking about it. I get it,
22:17
Speaker 2: mean too, I wonder how often he's doing that. I mean,
22:19
Speaker 2: he's probably imprisoned by now.
22:21
Speaker 3: Yeah, he strangled someone with their own tie.
22:25
Speaker 2: I think about that a lot, Like being in public.
22:27
Speaker 2: I'm like, I wonder if I could just ask a
22:29
Speaker 2: stranger because they have no bias, and just be like,
22:32
Speaker 2: what do you think of my outfit? You can say
22:34
Speaker 2: whatever you want because you're not getting that from one
22:36
Speaker 2: else in your life. No one else is going to
22:38
Speaker 2: give you the cold truth. But if I walk up
22:40
Speaker 2: to somebody in the grocery store and just say rate
22:42
Speaker 2: me from A to F, I'm going to get the truth.
22:46
Speaker 3: I do tend to think, and this might just be
22:49
Speaker 3: my own bias or a sort of projected lonesomeness or something.
22:54
Speaker 3: I generally think people want to connect and that the
22:59
Speaker 3: barrier to that is safety. It's feeling like this person's
23:02
Speaker 3: going to hurt me. They're going to either take advantage
23:04
Speaker 3: of me, or they're going to hurt my body, or
23:06
Speaker 3: they're going to do something. But if you present as
23:08
Speaker 3: someone who is not out to cause harm, I think
23:13
Speaker 3: people might really take you up on the opportunity to
23:16
Speaker 3: have a frank conversation.
23:17
Speaker 2: It's worth trying.
23:19
Speaker 3: Maybe try it.
23:21
Speaker 2: And people love giving their opinions. Yes, that's right. It's
23:23
Speaker 2: like asking. It's a miniature survey and their the stakes
23:26
Speaker 2: are so low for them. Yes.
23:28
Speaker 3: And I also think if it's like if it's like
23:31
Speaker 3: I like your clothes, although they might create an expectation
23:35
Speaker 3: of reciprocity in a way that's not really that's true.
23:37
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I don't want to, I don't need to.
23:39
Speaker 3: Just got to be like, I need your opinion.
23:40
Speaker 2: And I'm going to walk away. I'm not going to
23:42
Speaker 2: say a thing to you.
23:43
Speaker 3: That's right.
23:44
Speaker 2: It's going to be a cold interaction. But you are
23:46
Speaker 2: going to help me, that's nice. I've thought about that,
23:49
Speaker 2: and I think a genuinely good service would be a
23:52
Speaker 2: person who comes to your home and tells you if
23:53
Speaker 2: it smells or not, Oh that's or get your car,
23:56
Speaker 2: because you know, when you live in a house, or
23:58
Speaker 2: you're in your car. You're used to these things and
24:00
Speaker 2: you don't know if it smells bad. But for somebody
24:03
Speaker 2: to come over, I give them fifty dollars and they
24:06
Speaker 2: say this place smells horrible, right, or like determines what
24:11
Speaker 2: the smell is. What a great service that would be.
24:13
Speaker 3: That's a really good idea. I think sometimes if you've
24:16
Speaker 3: been away from your house for a few weeks and
24:17
Speaker 3: then you come back and you're like, oh, interesting, this
24:20
Speaker 3: is the experience of a stranger walking into my house.
24:23
Speaker 2: Yeah, and sometimes that can be bad.
24:25
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's startling, it is, it's.
24:29
Speaker 2: Start familiar, becomes slightly off, but it's like because the
24:33
Speaker 2: sense memory is there.
24:36
Speaker 3: Right, it's uncanny valley. Have you ever seen one of
24:39
Speaker 3: those mirrors that reverses the You know, when you look
24:41
Speaker 3: at a mirror, you're seeing the reverse image, but there
24:43
Speaker 3: are certain mirrors that then reflect the image back, so
24:46
Speaker 3: you're seeing yourself as others see you.
24:48
Speaker 2: Have you ever looked at the mirror?
24:50
Speaker 3: Yeah?
24:50
Speaker 2: How does that How that feels like it's defying physics?
24:53
Speaker 3: I think it's a It like reflects the image off
24:56
Speaker 3: of several different planes to arrive back at.
25:00
Speaker 2: I mean, but when you do see yourself, what is
25:04
Speaker 2: that the other flipped around?
25:06
Speaker 3: Yeah, terrifying, it's a little I used to talk to
25:10
Speaker 3: an X of mine and say, I think the scariest
25:12
Speaker 3: thing would be to wake up next to you and
25:14
Speaker 3: not find a different person there, but to find you
25:16
Speaker 3: but your eyes are slightly further apart, or like your
25:19
Speaker 3: nose is like half an inch longer, or like just you,
25:23
Speaker 3: but plus some undeniable thing that can't be accounted for.
25:28
Speaker 3: That to me just seems like a nightmare.
25:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, because there's nothing you can do about it, and
25:33
Speaker 2: then you're thinking about it constantly, and you have the
25:35
Speaker 2: memory of the old you, and it's an impostor you're
25:39
Speaker 2: now living with an impostor.
25:41
Speaker 3: I guess. So I think my friend's making a TV
25:43
Speaker 3: show about this very thing.
25:44
Speaker 2: No, you're kidding.
25:45
Speaker 3: No, Yeah, I think he has. But it's a very
25:48
Speaker 3: scary thought, very very scary.
25:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, because the trust is broken.
25:52
Speaker 3: I remember when I was in summer camp as a
25:54
Speaker 3: little kid, someone said to me, what if what I
25:57
Speaker 3: see when I say green is what you your green
26:02
Speaker 3: is my red? But language prevents us from and it
26:04
Speaker 3: threw me into a depression. I remember walking around day
26:07
Speaker 3: camp at the Lawrenceville School, Like in between swim classes,
26:11
Speaker 3: I was like a little character from a Woody Allen
26:13
Speaker 3: movie or something, just being like, oh fuck, Like language
26:16
Speaker 3: is like we're all siloed in our own language prisons.
26:21
Speaker 2: I think the thing that kids go through, because I
26:23
Speaker 2: remember going through this being like, oh what if I mean,
26:26
Speaker 2: we just cannot express to another person what my reality is?
26:30
Speaker 2: What if we think it's the same thing? And then
26:32
Speaker 2: I mean that just explodes everything in your world?
26:35
Speaker 3: What do you think? This is where I feel like
26:37
Speaker 3: the most sure fire away I know, to tunnel under
26:40
Speaker 3: all of the barriers. I think is like often the
26:44
Speaker 3: night time pretentious, but I really do feel this way
26:46
Speaker 3: is like art physical touch, and then like certain kind
26:52
Speaker 3: of conversations that aren't necessarily even about what you're saying explicitly,
26:56
Speaker 3: but as much as the sort of energetic loop that
26:58
Speaker 3: exists between the two of you, Like I feel like
27:00
Speaker 3: there's so few ways to be able to like get
27:03
Speaker 3: through all the shrubbery to the other person, like for you,
27:07
Speaker 3: like for me. So I think a lot of my
27:09
Speaker 3: most intimate experiences have been in audiences.
27:11
Speaker 2: Or or making an audience memory.
27:14
Speaker 3: Yeah because it's yeah, because I feel so close to
27:16
Speaker 3: these people I've never even met before, but I feel
27:19
Speaker 3: so profoundly understood and understanding of right or or sometimes
27:24
Speaker 3: if I make something too then I can feel that
27:26
Speaker 3: same thing if I feel like I've adequately expressed some
27:29
Speaker 3: inexpressible thing.
27:31
Speaker 2: Do you feel like for you, like, where do you
27:33
Speaker 2: feel like.
27:33
Speaker 3: The kind of where does the Berlin Wall fall down
27:37
Speaker 3: in your life?
27:38
Speaker 2: Where things where it feels like I'm purely communicating with
27:40
Speaker 2: another person.
27:42
Speaker 3: Yeah, we're that language barrier even when you're speaking the
27:45
Speaker 3: same language dissipates a little bit and you feel like, oh,
27:48
Speaker 3: I know this person, this person knows me.
27:50
Speaker 2: I think it's when one is when I don't like
27:54
Speaker 2: the taste of something and they also don't I basically
27:58
Speaker 2: I'm always looking. I'm always looking for people to basically
28:04
Speaker 2: when somebody else doesn't like the same thing as me, yes,
28:06
Speaker 2: that's when I'm especially when it's I mean, this happens
28:09
Speaker 2: a lot recently actually, because there's so much on the internet.
28:11
Speaker 2: There's so much hype about everything and everything is the
28:14
Speaker 2: second coming of whatever, And then you go and experience
28:17
Speaker 2: and you're like, oh am I an alien? I don't
28:20
Speaker 2: I did not have and then you meet a friend
28:21
Speaker 2: and you quietly talk about it and you have the
28:24
Speaker 2: same It's like, oh my god, so okay, I feel you.
28:28
Speaker 2: I like you. At least our reality exists, even if
28:31
Speaker 2: the huge one doesn't fit for us. It's true.
28:36
Speaker 3: It's such a relief because it can feel so isolating
28:39
Speaker 3: to be on the outside of a consensus that can
28:42
Speaker 3: feel so.
28:43
Speaker 2: Weird, full alien, especially.
28:44
Speaker 3: Among people who you love and respect and they're all
28:47
Speaker 3: in agreement and you're just thinking what is wrong with me?
28:51
Speaker 3: I always think it's so interesting what we've collectively decided
28:54
Speaker 3: is fun. Like like I was at this near the
28:57
Speaker 3: I guess it was like the Staples Center or something,
28:59
Speaker 3: and there's like.
29:00
Speaker 2: All these loud lights.
29:02
Speaker 3: These lights are so crazy and it sounds everywhere, and
29:06
Speaker 3: it's like, or you go to Vegas or like or
29:08
Speaker 3: someplace like that, and you're like, this is what we've all,
29:11
Speaker 3: as like a global economy decided is fun. And to
29:16
Speaker 3: me it just feels like hell, it's a complete Yeah.
29:19
Speaker 2: Las Vegas, Oh my god. I mean, I can last
29:23
Speaker 2: half an hour before my body is just screaming.
29:27
Speaker 3: That's just to say you are screaming.
29:30
Speaker 2: And I mean I was in New York last week
29:32
Speaker 2: and I was I had to walk through Times Square
29:34
Speaker 2: a few times, and it's it's the exact same thing
29:36
Speaker 2: where it's just like, who is getting anything out of
29:39
Speaker 2: this experience?
29:40
Speaker 3: It's like, yeah, it's interesting. I guess in my own
29:44
Speaker 3: life too, can maybe it's like mistaking numbness for fun,
29:48
Speaker 3: Like sometimes I guess in my own life in different ways,
29:50
Speaker 3: I will sort of make myself numb and think of
29:54
Speaker 3: it as recreational, you know, for shopping or the eating
29:59
Speaker 3: the pies or the way whatever. It's like it's highly
30:01
Speaker 3: stimulating and that is relieving. And then so I think
30:05
Speaker 3: it sort of categorize its fun in my brain. But
30:07
Speaker 3: the truth is it's just about kind of comaing myself.
30:11
Speaker 2: It's very much like pushing down on the wound. Yeah,
30:14
Speaker 2: very just like holding it so the pain feels different.
30:17
Speaker 2: At least this is my entire life at this point.
30:20
Speaker 2: I mean, I need a lobotomy because I'm like, oh,
30:22
Speaker 2: I don't know that I can experience fun anymore. I
30:24
Speaker 2: don't know that that's a thing. But the rare time
30:28
Speaker 2: that it does happen, I mean, I'm describing depression, but
30:33
Speaker 2: when it does happen, what a relief when you're like,
30:35
Speaker 2: oh my god, I can laugh at something. Something can
30:37
Speaker 2: still make me laugh. Or I saw Godzilla recently. I
30:40
Speaker 2: heard that was great, did not expect the movie. I
30:42
Speaker 2: was jumping in my seat. I was scared of Godzilla.
30:46
Speaker 2: Oh I couldn't believe it. So there are occasionally times
30:49
Speaker 2: where I'm like, oh, I'm not completely numb to everything.
30:52
Speaker 3: My father worked at a mental hospital when he was
30:55
Speaker 3: in his twenties, and he said, this is back when
30:58
Speaker 3: there was less oversight. Maybe they're still not oversight, but anyway.
31:02
Speaker 3: It was in I think New Hampshire, and he said
31:05
Speaker 3: he didn't have a degree at this planet on it
31:07
Speaker 3: was just like an orderly and he took the most
31:10
Speaker 3: depressive cases, the people who were really struggling, and loaded
31:15
Speaker 3: them all into a van and drove to an airport.
31:17
Speaker 3: I think it was in Vermont where there was one
31:20
Speaker 3: of those landing strips where the planes come like screaming
31:23
Speaker 3: down right above, you know what I mean. And he
31:26
Speaker 3: parked the van and he had all of them get
31:29
Speaker 3: out and lie on top of the van, in on
31:31
Speaker 3: the hood, and then they just lay there while these
31:33
Speaker 3: planes came like like over top of them. And he
31:37
Speaker 3: said by the time they left, these people who were
31:40
Speaker 3: like catatonically depressed were like bouncing off the walls. They
31:43
Speaker 3: were so like hyped up. It's like they were scared
31:46
Speaker 3: of God's ill. It was like they were just like, oh,
31:49
Speaker 3: like they felt alive again, of.
31:51
Speaker 2: Course, because it didn't feel like all of their nerve
31:52
Speaker 2: endings were burnt.
31:53
Speaker 3: Off, right right, I think that's right.
31:56
Speaker 2: Wow. I mean God blessed putting them all, all of
31:59
Speaker 2: these lives in danger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:02
Speaker 3: But I think also, like another thing about that is
32:04
Speaker 3: like I have a friend who's an acting teacher who
32:06
Speaker 3: like really kind of helped me learn about acting a
32:09
Speaker 3: lot named Anya Saffer, who I adore, and she we
32:12
Speaker 3: were talking about crying, like in scenes where you have
32:14
Speaker 3: to cry or whatever. She was like, something I'd tell
32:17
Speaker 3: my students a lot, because she would teach college kids too.
32:19
Speaker 3: She said, is that I think if you could remove
32:22
Speaker 3: all the social conditioning and repression and whatever else, she's like,
32:25
Speaker 3: underneath all of that. I think most people are always
32:30
Speaker 3: underneath that, on the verge of laughing or crying. Oh wow,
32:33
Speaker 3: You're always sort of like hovering on the precipice of
32:36
Speaker 3: one of those things, right, She's like, I don't know
32:39
Speaker 3: if that's true or not, but I've found it. I've
32:41
Speaker 3: thought about it a lot since then.
32:42
Speaker 2: I can't believe that. I mean, we're we can't get
32:46
Speaker 2: into it right now because I will start crying. But
32:48
Speaker 2: that's about a month ago. I was we're now two
32:50
Speaker 2: months ago. I was at a stop lines like, I
32:52
Speaker 2: haven't cried in a while. I wonder what that feels like.
32:55
Speaker 2: And then my dog died like last week, but it
32:59
Speaker 2: was about a month long thing. And we will not
33:01
Speaker 2: talk about this because I'll start crying. But oh, I'm
33:04
Speaker 2: I'm definitely able to cry. And it's I mean, what
33:07
Speaker 2: an experience, what a horrible feeling. It's crazy. But I
33:11
Speaker 2: think that that is always there, and I guess it's
33:15
Speaker 2: a good thing.
33:15
Speaker 3: It's there. Yeah, I mean I think it's first of all,
33:20
Speaker 3: I get it if you don't want to talk about
33:22
Speaker 3: something so gutting on your characters.
33:25
Speaker 2: We can't cry on this podcast. It's simply it's not
33:29
Speaker 2: a thing to do.
33:30
Speaker 3: But then again, there's no gifts allowed either, and what
33:32
Speaker 3: do we have here. I mean, what I was going
33:34
Speaker 3: to say about that is just like and we obviously
33:37
Speaker 3: your podcast will cut it out if you want. But
33:39
Speaker 3: I just think I really hate it when there's sort
33:43
Speaker 3: of unanswerably painful things like the loss of a loved
33:46
Speaker 3: one like a dog, and people try to shove their
33:49
Speaker 3: silver lining down your throat to make them feel better.
33:52
Speaker 2: Huh.
33:53
Speaker 3: Someone did say something to me that I was like,
33:56
Speaker 3: where it's like, the pain you experience is proportion to
34:00
Speaker 3: the love that you felt for the creature. Yes, And
34:03
Speaker 3: my friend who lost his dog said this thing that
34:05
Speaker 3: like made me cry, where he was like, buy the ticket,
34:08
Speaker 3: take the ride, And I was like, oh, boy.
34:12
Speaker 2: That's that's what it is. I mean, I yeah, I
34:14
Speaker 2: mean like I've never really grieved for I mean, I've
34:17
Speaker 2: had grandparents die that sort of thing where it felt
34:20
Speaker 2: like it was time or almost time, But for this,
34:22
Speaker 2: this is the first time as an adult that this
34:24
Speaker 2: has happened to me. And I mean it's just the
34:26
Speaker 2: most gutting feeling. But I've like I've been kind of
34:29
Speaker 2: having realizations about all of this, and what I kind
34:32
Speaker 2: of tried to frame it as is just it's the
34:35
Speaker 2: compression of all of that joy, the nine years of
34:38
Speaker 2: joy I had, is just suddenly being pushed through into
34:41
Speaker 2: a small thing that I get to keep, and of
34:44
Speaker 2: course that's going to be painful. It's it's just like
34:46
Speaker 2: all of that is just getting crushed into a thing
34:49
Speaker 2: that I get to keep. But in the process that's
34:53
Speaker 2: going to be horrible, and it has been. But what
34:56
Speaker 2: a wonderful little gift that Adie gave to me and
34:59
Speaker 2: my boyfriend. Yeah, not a fun experience and totally worth it.
35:04
Speaker 2: Of course I would do it a million times again
35:07
Speaker 2: to have her, But it's not fun.
35:13
Speaker 3: I think I've never heard it described that way. It's
35:15
Speaker 3: almost like when people take their blankets from the winter
35:18
Speaker 3: and shrink them down into the little like this is
35:21
Speaker 3: like you said something very beautiful and poetic, and now
35:23
Speaker 3: I'm framing it in terms of the container story. But
35:25
Speaker 3: I think that that idea of like a resizing of
35:29
Speaker 3: It's like the amount of love, the magnitude of love
35:32
Speaker 3: doesn't change, but the kind of packaging is shrunk to
35:35
Speaker 3: the past or something.
35:37
Speaker 2: Right, it's like a.
35:38
Speaker 3: Complicated I know what you mean. And I remember talking
35:42
Speaker 3: to somebody once who was like studied protracted grief, Like
35:45
Speaker 3: whatever the fuck that is? Like he was like, oh no, no, no, no,
35:48
Speaker 3: it was this his girlfriend studied like a pathological grief,
35:52
Speaker 3: which I guess is grief that extends endlessly.
35:54
Speaker 2: Right, it's not all grief, I feel. I mean, it's
35:56
Speaker 2: an endless well right, Yeah.
35:59
Speaker 3: But I guess one thing he said that I thought
36:01
Speaker 3: was interesting that he was quoting her. I didn't meet her,
36:03
Speaker 3: but she was that often people who grieve intensely for
36:07
Speaker 3: a long time, the grief occupies the vacancy that the
36:12
Speaker 3: person or dog or whatever left. So it's like, rather
36:16
Speaker 3: than just have this sort of cavity, the act of
36:19
Speaker 3: grieving takes up some of the emotional real estate where
36:21
Speaker 3: all of that engagement and love and everything used to be.
36:25
Speaker 2: That makes perfect sense.
36:26
Speaker 3: Yeah, I thought it was like helpful and interesting.
36:29
Speaker 2: Wow.
36:30
Speaker 3: Anyway, I'm really sorry you're going through it.
36:32
Speaker 2: That's okay. Let's talk about these people shrinking blankets. They
36:36
Speaker 2: shrink them for a convenience.
36:37
Speaker 3: They shrink them down. I mean, you can get it's
36:40
Speaker 3: basically vacuum bags.
36:41
Speaker 2: It's like they're not like putting them through the wash.
36:44
Speaker 3: No, those would be I mean I was like.
36:46
Speaker 2: Oh, so they're ruining of the thing they owned so
36:48
Speaker 2: they could save space. Okay, good for them.
36:53
Speaker 3: It's at the end of every winter you smash all
36:55
Speaker 3: your plates.
36:58
Speaker 2: I don't have the space. I simply don't have the space.
37:01
Speaker 2: We've got to destroy these things.
37:02
Speaker 3: Too hot to have these plates.
37:06
Speaker 2: Okay, well, this is I mean, the way you've distracted
37:09
Speaker 2: from the gift. Sorry, I mean you've throw I mean
37:11
Speaker 2: you've taken us through a loop. We're running out of
37:14
Speaker 2: time here. We should open the gime gift. Let's get
37:17
Speaker 2: into this gift I'm pulling out.
37:22
Speaker 3: It requires explanation.
37:24
Speaker 2: Okay, So what I'm seeing so far is it's like
37:26
Speaker 2: a little book or journal that says children on it.
37:30
Speaker 3: Now I understand to the listeners, one grown man giving
37:33
Speaker 3: another grown man a book which has just a brown
37:36
Speaker 3: cover that says children on it when the conversation started
37:40
Speaker 3: with kidnapping does not bode particularly well.
37:43
Speaker 2: What is the chitty chitty bang bang characters of the
37:45
Speaker 2: child snatcher or something?
37:46
Speaker 3: Yeah, I promise to not be that chitty chitty bank
37:49
Speaker 3: bank character. That is not the intent or content of
37:52
Speaker 3: this gift. But if it's raising alarm bells for you
37:55
Speaker 3: on as you're listening, I understand, but don't worry, it'll
37:58
Speaker 3: be Okay.
37:59
Speaker 2: What is this?
38:01
Speaker 3: This is a book of famous historical figures when they
38:04
Speaker 3: were little.
38:04
Speaker 2: Kids, Oh my god. And it's a mix.
38:06
Speaker 3: It's like it'd be like Neil Armstrong and Asama bin
38:10
Speaker 3: Laden and the name of the kid is on the
38:13
Speaker 3: next page, so you can look and be like, who
38:15
Speaker 3: is that. I think that's Winston Churchhill, and then you
38:17
Speaker 3: turn the page and you find out if you were
38:19
Speaker 3: right or wrong. But you get to see like Oppenheimer
38:22
Speaker 3: or like I think Manson's in there. But then also
38:26
Speaker 3: like musicians like in Lewis Armstrong.
38:28
Speaker 2: Okay, right, you know, so.
38:30
Speaker 3: It's like just seeing all these people who had this
38:32
Speaker 3: outsize kind of like effect on the world, which as
38:36
Speaker 3: you describe Bruno Mars for example, but you know before
38:39
Speaker 3: they were any of the things that they would be known.
38:41
Speaker 2: For, right, I mean, and before you describe it to me.
38:44
Speaker 2: I flipped open the book and it said Mick Jagger
38:46
Speaker 2: on the page, and I looked at the not knowing
38:48
Speaker 2: how it worked.
38:48
Speaker 3: I looked at this photo and it's like kind of
38:51
Speaker 3: like it's probably Chekhov or something. It's just like very nine.
38:57
Speaker 2: Oh, I don't know who this is.
38:59
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the other thing. It'll make you feel dumb
39:00
Speaker 3: because some of the people.
39:01
Speaker 2: Use Charles Edouard Jannaire or gree Yeah, I don't know.
39:06
Speaker 2: Eighteen eighty seven to nineteen sixty five, my dufus. So
39:09
Speaker 2: did you look at the real make Dagger picture. Let's see,
39:11
Speaker 2: I should look at it. Let's see here. Okay, there's
39:13
Speaker 2: the mixed jack no one love. The teeth are there. Yeah,
39:18
Speaker 2: the teeth were ready to go, and so is the
39:20
Speaker 2: cunning in his eyes. Oh yeah, he's ready to like
39:23
Speaker 2: take over the world. He's ready to play Wembley. Did
39:25
Speaker 2: they ever play Wembley? Oh? I hope? So? I mean
39:28
Speaker 2: what were they doing?
39:29
Speaker 3: What were they doing?
39:30
Speaker 2: What could they have possibly been? Okay, well tell me
39:32
Speaker 2: why you brought this? This is so beautiful.
39:34
Speaker 3: I think it's a beautiful book, and I.
39:36
Speaker 2: Think Osama bin Laden.
39:38
Speaker 3: Okay, there he is. It's so sad to look at it.
39:42
Speaker 3: It'll say which one's him. But there's the bin Laden
39:45
Speaker 3: family altogether having a good time. It's so weird.
39:48
Speaker 2: Wow. Yeah, just I mean they look like the Partridge
39:51
Speaker 2: family or something.
39:52
Speaker 3: Yeah, isn't it streme? So western eyed too? It's not
39:55
Speaker 3: like but I think I guess I was just trying
39:59
Speaker 3: to think since we've never met something that I felt
40:01
Speaker 3: like reflected stuff I'm oh shit, if you open the
40:05
Speaker 3: front cover, the whole book is black and white. But no, no, no,
40:08
Speaker 3: just the Jack of Party. It matches your outfit.
40:09
Speaker 2: Oh it kind of does. Look how nice then?
40:12
Speaker 3: And the background this is beautiful. But I was going
40:15
Speaker 3: to say, I think it reflects my what I hope
40:20
Speaker 3: to cold in my head whenever I'm meeting anyone or
40:25
Speaker 3: being met by someone, which usually happens at the same time.
40:29
Speaker 3: It's just the kind of like delicate, vulnerable thing, especially
40:35
Speaker 3: if like a pod, because I don't do that many podcasts,
40:37
Speaker 3: partly because I feel shy and partly because I feel
40:42
Speaker 3: like I'm not sure which version of myself I'm supposed
40:45
Speaker 3: to bring.
40:45
Speaker 2: An interesting thing. Who you become on a podcast? Right,
40:48
Speaker 2: it's like that you, but just like slightly cocained. It's like,
40:53
Speaker 2: this is the person I wish I could be all
40:55
Speaker 2: the time that I can think of things to talk about,
40:57
Speaker 2: and then in public, I'm like everything I say is
40:59
Speaker 2: too words long, and I can barely communicate with people.
41:02
Speaker 3: I think the takeaways you just have to start doing
41:04
Speaker 3: a little bit of cocaine all the time.
41:06
Speaker 2: There's a reason I don't do cocaine. It's because I
41:08
Speaker 2: need it and it will ruin me.
41:13
Speaker 3: I think, yeah, so it's just trying to something I'm
41:17
Speaker 3: trying to do with varying results. Is it's funny like
41:21
Speaker 3: when I did press in the past for like TV
41:24
Speaker 3: shows that came out. I again talked to my therapist.
41:26
Speaker 3: I was like, man, I feel like such a whore.
41:29
Speaker 3: I just feel like, no disrespect to sex workers, but
41:31
Speaker 3: I felt like a whore, like an old strumpet. And
41:35
Speaker 3: just like I go out and I do myself deprecating
41:38
Speaker 3: story and I'm just such a putts. But she's and
41:42
Speaker 3: I don't know how to not feel like a dirty
41:44
Speaker 3: little like I don't know sales boy, right, And she
41:49
Speaker 3: said this thing I thought was so great. She was like,
41:50
Speaker 3: when you go out onto one of these shows, just
41:53
Speaker 3: like sit down and look at the host in the eye,
41:55
Speaker 3: which is now we're looking at each other.
41:58
Speaker 2: The strongest eye contact two people could possibly have.
42:01
Speaker 3: Well, there's no getting away from it, she said, try
42:03
Speaker 3: and find something lovable about them, because then you can
42:06
Speaker 3: have a moment of human warmth that exists on television
42:10
Speaker 3: and it's not going to change the world, but it'll
42:12
Speaker 3: be a nice little moment. And I and I think
42:15
Speaker 3: not allowing the noise of my own self consciousness or
42:19
Speaker 3: the situation to drown out the kind of little kid
42:22
Speaker 3: versions of me or other people something I try to do.
42:25
Speaker 3: In this case, it's very easy because you guys are
42:27
Speaker 3: so lovely and it's a beautiful day and we're having
42:29
Speaker 3: this really nice conversation. But then sometimes there'll be in
42:32
Speaker 3: a situation where it's it's a real kind of olympic
42:35
Speaker 3: feat to not become a shrieky nightmare version of yourself.
42:40
Speaker 2: And that's kind of what you're known as, kind of
42:42
Speaker 2: a shrieky nightmare. That's what people say about Zach Ones.
42:46
Speaker 2: I'm having lunch with less moon vests. You're the last
42:51
Speaker 2: person that's having lunch with less moonvess.
42:54
Speaker 3: Our table at the pole a lounge is occupied, and
42:56
Speaker 3: I'm going to throw a fit.
43:02
Speaker 2: H No, I understand that, And I also think, I mean,
43:05
Speaker 2: podcasts are a little different because they can be more organic.
43:08
Speaker 2: When you go on a late night show or whatever,
43:09
Speaker 2: you've got four minutes in front of a weird audience
43:12
Speaker 2: that's been standing outside in Times Square of Hollywood Boulevard,
43:16
Speaker 2: that you're like, who am I entertaining here? Why are
43:19
Speaker 2: any of us.
43:20
Speaker 3: Here, right, if you're lucky, they think you're Zach Braff
43:24
Speaker 3: and they give you some of his goodwill. But I
43:27
Speaker 3: and it's pre interviews too. That's the other thing that's
43:29
Speaker 3: so fascinating is like the pre interview thing where you
43:32
Speaker 3: sort of vet stories in advance.
43:34
Speaker 2: Do the exact thing that's going to happen with the host, right,
43:38
Speaker 2: but you're speaking with the producer first. Fascinating things.
43:43
Speaker 3: It's an interesting thing. I remember I never read this
43:46
Speaker 3: book because I'm too lazy, but there's a George Saunders
43:48
Speaker 3: book about writing. My friend Brandon Gardner, who I write
43:51
Speaker 3: everything we work on together with, he told me that
43:54
Speaker 3: that George Saunders says that if you're outlining, like for
43:59
Speaker 3: a writer, yeah, it's almost like if you went on
44:01
Speaker 3: a date with index cards with things that you were
44:03
Speaker 3: going to say on the date, where it's like it
44:05
Speaker 3: cuts you off from the present moment so that you're
44:08
Speaker 3: not actually in a flow. You're just like holding fast
44:11
Speaker 3: to your little like life social life preserver, right. And
44:15
Speaker 3: I think like a pre interview is a little bit
44:17
Speaker 3: like that, where it's like, okay, now I say this,
44:20
Speaker 3: instead of just being like, what's going to happen?
44:22
Speaker 2: Right. I mean it's literally there on cards in front
44:25
Speaker 2: of your host.
44:25
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yeah, it's You're right, it actually is on cards.
44:28
Speaker 3: It's yeah.
44:30
Speaker 2: Yeah. I feel like Loe's late night shows need to
44:32
Speaker 2: get away from it. Let's get back to like those
44:34
Speaker 2: seventies interviews where it's just beginning to end one conversation
44:39
Speaker 2: with a person.
44:39
Speaker 3: That's a great idea. Those old Dick Kavic shows incredible,
44:42
Speaker 3: so good.
44:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, we've got to play a game.
44:46
Speaker 3: Let's play a game.
44:47
Speaker 2: I would keep you here all day, but yes.
44:48
Speaker 3: It's fun. I'm having a nice time. Thank you for
44:50
Speaker 3: having me.
44:50
Speaker 2: A wonderful time. Thank you for being here. New Year.
44:53
Speaker 2: Let's play. Let's start with gift or a curse. I
44:56
Speaker 2: need a number between one and ten from you.
44:58
Speaker 3: Eight.
44:59
Speaker 2: Okay, I have to do some like calculating. While I
45:01
Speaker 2: do this, you can recommend, promote, do whatever you want.
45:04
Speaker 2: I'll be right back.
45:05
Speaker 3: So Brandon and I. Brandon the guy was just talking about,
45:09
Speaker 3: made this stop motion show with Mike Judge called In
45:11
Speaker 3: the Know, and it takes place in an NPR studio
45:14
Speaker 3: and it's made with these crazy, beautiful stop motion puppets
45:17
Speaker 3: that were made by the same people who did Guerma
45:19
Speaker 3: del Toro's Pinocchio. And what's crazy about stop motion is
45:24
Speaker 3: like each character is played by the person who voices them,
45:28
Speaker 3: and then like thirty people all make each person come alive,
45:32
Speaker 3: so you see little pieces of each of their personalities
45:35
Speaker 3: in each of the puppets. And I think something that
45:38
Speaker 3: I like about stories is that sometimes they can show
45:41
Speaker 3: that people are more than one thing, that they're not
45:45
Speaker 3: just one identity or one I'm making this sound so
45:48
Speaker 3: heavy and it's like a goofy show about NPR and
45:50
Speaker 3: like has a lot of dick jokes and stuff. So
45:52
Speaker 3: but anyway, it's a there's all these characters that have
45:55
Speaker 3: been done by all these puppeteers who are geniuses, and
45:57
Speaker 3: I think it's I think it's a hopefully a warm
46:00
Speaker 3: show and funny, and so I hope people watch it.
46:02
Speaker 2: It looks delightful, and any animation that's not CGI I'm
46:07
Speaker 2: on board with. Yeah, when it feels at least like
46:10
Speaker 2: humans were involved for part of the experience, it's always refreshing.
46:14
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not like a screensaver made by an AI,
46:17
Speaker 3: right right, Yeah, And it's on January twenty fifth, It's
46:20
Speaker 3: going to be on peacock.
46:21
Speaker 2: Peacock, been watching the Traders on Peacock, So I've got
46:25
Speaker 2: my subscription. Is that what we're calling these things? I
46:28
Speaker 2: was going to say prescription, Yeah, but as.
46:30
Speaker 3: Far as I gave you a peacock account.
46:34
Speaker 2: Beautiful, everyone go watch that. My recommendation this week. I mean,
46:38
Speaker 2: we talked about this already, so I might as well say.
46:41
Speaker 2: There's a song called On and On by Long Pig
46:43
Speaker 2: because it's such a wonderful song, old song. If you
46:45
Speaker 2: want to just be devastated, go listen to this song.
46:48
Speaker 3: And long Pig I think was that a slang for human? Right?
46:51
Speaker 3: They would call it long ping. Someone told me that
46:53
Speaker 3: that it was like long pig. I don't know where
46:56
Speaker 3: I heard that from, but I remember hearing that this
46:58
Speaker 3: they call humans, or maybe was dead humans.
47:01
Speaker 2: He called humans? Who else? Who's calling the constable? Okay?
47:07
Speaker 2: This is how we play gift a curse. I'm gonna
47:09
Speaker 2: name three things. You're gonna tell me if there are
47:11
Speaker 2: a gift or a curse and why, and then I'll
47:14
Speaker 2: tell you if you're right or wrong? Are correct? Answers?
47:17
Speaker 2: All right? Number one? This is from a listener named Parker.
47:20
Speaker 2: Gift or a curse people who say goose pimples or
47:23
Speaker 2: goose flesh instead of goose bumps.
47:25
Speaker 3: Curse why because the morbid fascination with acne has to stop,
47:32
Speaker 3: Doctor pimple popper, all this fucking stuff. It's like to me,
47:35
Speaker 3: it's like one wrung below snuff films. I would prefer
47:41
Speaker 3: you watch old sixteen millimeter of people being killed, thrill killed,
47:47
Speaker 3: then watch that shit. It's it's sub human.
47:53
Speaker 2: Excellent beginning to the game. Yeah, both of those are
47:56
Speaker 2: disgusting ways to describe it. I don't need I don't
47:58
Speaker 2: need those images in my head. And yeah, I really
48:01
Speaker 2: would rather watch somebody be stabbed to death and watch
48:04
Speaker 2: a pimple get exploded. No, thank you, thank you, take it,
48:08
Speaker 2: thank you excellently played. Number two. This is from a
48:12
Speaker 2: listener named Rebecca. Gift or a curse introducing two of
48:15
Speaker 2: your friends from different circles and later discovering they've become
48:19
Speaker 2: quite close and hang out often.
48:23
Speaker 3: Well, this presupposes that you have more than one friend,
48:26
Speaker 3: which puts me out of contention.
48:29
Speaker 2: For a huge stretch for you.
48:31
Speaker 3: I can't. I think it's a gift. I think it's
48:35
Speaker 3: definitely a gift that could feel like a curse depending
48:38
Speaker 3: on how fragile you are in any given moment.
48:41
Speaker 2: Hmm.
48:42
Speaker 3: It's beautiful when people love each other and you want
48:45
Speaker 3: people to connect, especially people you adore. But if you're
48:49
Speaker 3: feeling like a negligible little scrap or an unlovable goblin person,
48:55
Speaker 3: then you might have abandonment anxieties that are activated by
48:59
Speaker 3: two people who you know to be beautiful pairing up
49:01
Speaker 3: without you.
49:02
Speaker 2: So, oh, Zach, wrong, a betrayal? Now you're better friends
49:09
Speaker 2: than we are. What's happening to it? I set this
49:12
Speaker 2: thing up. I didn't mean to set this thing up.
49:14
Speaker 2: And now suddenly you're just doing things in the shadows
49:17
Speaker 2: without me sanctioning it. You know, no, no, no, unless
49:21
Speaker 2: I say I'm setting you to up as friends, yes,
49:23
Speaker 2: that's a different story. But if we're just you know,
49:26
Speaker 2: we kind of mushed together and then suddenly you're out
49:28
Speaker 2: to dinner with these people and I didn't get invited.
49:32
Speaker 3: What's wrong with those perverts?
49:33
Speaker 2: Oh? Absolutely sick, disgusting perverted behavior. And although I actually
49:41
Speaker 2: did this to a friend, but you know, I like
49:46
Speaker 2: my you know, I like to dip my toe in perversion,
49:49
Speaker 2: and so I'm okay to do it. But curse, so
49:52
Speaker 2: you do lose until we hate to see it.
49:54
Speaker 3: I hate to see it.
49:55
Speaker 2: Number three. This is from a listener named Mark gif
49:58
Speaker 2: you a curse lottery tickets as gifts?
50:04
Speaker 3: Curse?
50:04
Speaker 2: Why didn't say?
50:07
Speaker 3: I think I heard someone say that lottery tickets are
50:09
Speaker 3: attacks on hope? And who wants to give your friend
50:15
Speaker 3: a tax of any kind, let alone one on hope
50:19
Speaker 3: as a gift. It's also like both you're probably statistically,
50:23
Speaker 3: you're probably gifting disappointment and at best you're gifting the
50:27
Speaker 3: least personal gift card that could possibly exist. At least
50:31
Speaker 3: get them like a gift card to outback or something.
50:34
Speaker 3: But don't be like, hey, this is probably worth less
50:37
Speaker 3: than nothing. But also if it is something, it will
50:41
Speaker 3: be totally anonymous, so correct totally curse. Yeah, it's either worthless,
50:49
Speaker 3: this is what a lottery ticket is. It's either worthless
50:52
Speaker 3: or it's going to ruin my life because that's what
50:55
Speaker 3: we know with a lottery. So you either want me
50:58
Speaker 3: to win the you know, the mega millions and then
51:01
Speaker 3: suddenly my life is falling apart because I don't know
51:04
Speaker 3: how to handle that much money, or I've got a
51:06
Speaker 3: piece of paper that I just have to throw away,
51:08
Speaker 3: and I've got the the little silver dust that I
51:11
Speaker 3: had to scratch off with my fingernail. You know, I
51:13
Speaker 3: never thought about it that way, because then you're right,
51:16
Speaker 3: you win the lottery, and then you're like, probably you
51:19
Speaker 3: become the kidnapping target. Oh completely, someone wants.
51:22
Speaker 2: You, so many people want you. I mean, you get
51:24
Speaker 2: to be probably you could be on a lottery dream
51:27
Speaker 2: home on HGTV, which I've consumed a decent amount of. Uh.
51:32
Speaker 3: But Joanna Gaines.
51:34
Speaker 2: That is not Joanna gains That's a man who I
51:37
Speaker 2: don't know his name. Heavily tattooed man that wears a
51:40
Speaker 2: lot of kind of flowy coats, and then he.
51:43
Speaker 4: Helps people Chriss Angel. It's Angel. Crist Angel has pivoted.
51:48
Speaker 4: He is helping people find homes. He he loves real estate.
51:53
Speaker 4: Oh my god, that's a great idea.
51:54
Speaker 3: Ultimate mind Freak is an affordable mortgag.
51:59
Speaker 2: We have got to develop that for Chris. I don't
52:01
Speaker 2: know what else he's doing.
52:02
Speaker 3: I don't know, man, we probably don't even know the
52:04
Speaker 3: necromancy he's up too, and.
52:06
Speaker 2: Should help people find homes in the Vegas area, exclusively
52:09
Speaker 2: Vegas suburbs.
52:10
Speaker 3: I would honestly, for real, watch a show where magicians
52:13
Speaker 3: help people find homes.
52:14
Speaker 2: Oh my god, are you kidding me? That would be on.
52:17
Speaker 2: I would just leave that on like one of those
52:19
Speaker 2: fish tank screen savers. I would just be on my
52:22
Speaker 2: TV all the time. Well, you got two out of three.
52:25
Speaker 2: That's not so bad. It's really not too bad.
52:27
Speaker 3: Sixty six.
52:28
Speaker 2: This is sixty six, and that's not an F. And
52:31
Speaker 2: so you can, you know, go to community college and
52:35
Speaker 2: get your grades up, but then maybe transfer to a
52:37
Speaker 2: different school. You can do whatever you want with the
52:39
Speaker 2: sixty six. There's no one stopping you. No, you don't
52:42
Speaker 2: have to go to summer school. I refuse, you, absolutely refuse. Okay,
52:48
Speaker 2: this is the final segment of the podcast. It's called
52:50
Speaker 2: I said no emails. People write in to I said
52:54
Speaker 2: no gifts at gmail dot com and they're desperate for answers.
52:59
Speaker 3: I like that. I am confident and prescriptive.
53:01
Speaker 2: Yeah, and we're gonna need that today because let me
53:05
Speaker 2: read this. It says, hello Bridger and guest, since you
53:09
Speaker 2: answer every question perfectly. Oh that's very nice. I was
53:12
Speaker 2: hoping you would offer flirt. Someone's flirting. Someone wants to
53:16
Speaker 2: kiss me.
53:17
Speaker 3: Stop trying to kiss him. Email is not the way
53:20
Speaker 3: to do.
53:20
Speaker 2: Stop chasing me around. I was hoping you would offer
53:25
Speaker 2: your wisdom on the situation I found myself in. I
53:27
Speaker 2: cannot think of anyone more qualified to help me with this. Okay,
53:30
Speaker 2: the teasing continues. I started at a company just three
53:34
Speaker 2: months ago, and last week my husband. Oh and now
53:36
Speaker 2: there's a husband involved in the Oh.
53:38
Speaker 3: This is I mean, the forbidden. What is more enticing?
53:41
Speaker 2: Nothing's more enticing than me.
53:42
Speaker 3: There you go, and I got bad news writer. He's
53:45
Speaker 3: results oriented. So if you're just trying to live in
53:48
Speaker 3: a liminal space of provocation, look at not happening.
53:53
Speaker 2: Last week, my husband and I found out we are
53:55
Speaker 2: expecting our second child. While we are excited about this,
53:59
Speaker 2: it was unplanned and the timing is tricky. As I'm
54:01
Speaker 2: still new in my position, I'm struggling on the timing
54:04
Speaker 2: and manner in which I share this news with my
54:06
Speaker 2: new boss.
54:07
Speaker 3: Oh wow.
54:07
Speaker 2: I am also dealing with the common symptom of pregnancy illness,
54:11
Speaker 2: and I'm concerned I will have to tell him sooner
54:13
Speaker 2: rather than later do to how ill I've been Do
54:16
Speaker 2: I schedule a meeting, tell him in passing, not tell
54:19
Speaker 2: him and just call out sick for weeks after the birth.
54:21
Speaker 2: Maybe a gift would be appropriate in this situation. I
54:25
Speaker 2: anxiously am awaiting your response, and that's from Hannah. What
54:29
Speaker 2: does Hannah do pregnant Hannah?
54:31
Speaker 3: Well, I will say I do think more women should
54:33
Speaker 3: come to me for advice about prenatal issues, childcare, say
54:40
Speaker 3: childless man, you're a pro. I'm definitely the guy who
54:46
Speaker 3: who has sage advice. I'm basically a doula. I think
54:52
Speaker 3: I think my first piece of advice would be to
54:54
Speaker 3: ignore whatever I say next, and my second piece of
54:58
Speaker 3: vice take the terrifying. I guess my advice would be
55:04
Speaker 3: she wants to know when to tell him and how
55:06
Speaker 3: to tell him right when.
55:07
Speaker 2: And how, and she's been at the job for three months,
55:11
Speaker 2: so she's still kind of new girl in town.
55:15
Speaker 3: Intuitively, I feel like it should be someplace quiet where
55:17
Speaker 3: it's just the two of them.
55:19
Speaker 2: In person, Okay, intimate.
55:22
Speaker 3: I'm not saying you have to like, you know, just
55:25
Speaker 3: like an office would do, but I think just feeling
55:28
Speaker 3: like you can connect. I think trying to like toss
55:31
Speaker 3: that off in a casual way. If it were me
55:35
Speaker 3: and I had something as like vulnerable in life altering
55:37
Speaker 3: as that, and I was like, oh, ps for me,
55:41
Speaker 3: it would make me feel a little bit like I'd
55:43
Speaker 3: handled myself kind of roughly right, regardless of that other
55:47
Speaker 3: person's response. So we can't control what Keith her boss
55:52
Speaker 3: name is Keith, right, We can't control what Keith does.
55:55
Speaker 3: He might react very poorly, he might be very supportive.
55:58
Speaker 3: We don't know him well enough. It's only been a
55:59
Speaker 3: few months, but we know that for Hannah's sake, Hannah
56:02
Speaker 3: needs to do Hannah, and Hannah needs to approach this
56:05
Speaker 3: in a situation that feels like it maximizes mental health
56:08
Speaker 3: for Hannah.
56:09
Speaker 2: And the baby baby.
56:10
Speaker 3: I don't I'm not a fan of that.
56:12
Speaker 2: Cares about this baby. It's created a.
56:13
Speaker 3: Problem he he she whatever they This baby was not
56:17
Speaker 3: planned and is an intruder in.
56:20
Speaker 2: The sho showed up three months into the job and
56:23
Speaker 2: is now I mean, just causing chaos wherever it goes.
56:26
Speaker 3: It's undermining you professionally, and I do mean it.
56:29
Speaker 2: It wants the job.
56:31
Speaker 3: This baby's trying to snake you. I swear to God.
56:33
Speaker 3: Look on monster dot com and if you see a fetus.
56:35
Speaker 2: And it's got an incredible profile, it's badgering Keith, look
56:40
Speaker 2: at my CV. Is that what that's called?
56:43
Speaker 3: Yes, CVV, Yeah, applied for if you hear like an
56:46
Speaker 3: email alert from within your womb, just know that that
56:49
Speaker 3: baby just got an email. A second interview with Keith.
56:53
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think your advice here is good. I think
56:55
Speaker 2: you tell Keith Hope that he fires you and then
56:58
Speaker 2: sue him into Oblivia.
57:00
Speaker 3: That's beautiful.
57:00
Speaker 2: Take the company down.
57:02
Speaker 3: Yes, and she works for UNISEF.
57:03
Speaker 2: That's right.
57:04
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, rip them to pieces handed.
57:06
Speaker 2: About time, come on goodbye.
57:10
Speaker 3: You take them for all their worth. When they're done,
57:14
Speaker 3: they won't have a pot to piss in. Hannah.
57:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's good advice. And I think until
57:21
Speaker 2: the big reveal, carry a huge bag of groceries around. Yeah,
57:25
Speaker 2: just cover up, make sure nobody knows, and then you
57:28
Speaker 2: drop it on the floor. Keith, I'm pregnant. He fires
57:31
Speaker 2: you and now you're in court.
57:33
Speaker 3: Maybe you preempt it. You go, Keith, I'm pregnant, you pig.
57:37
Speaker 2: You freak, you sick freak firing me. I always hated you.
57:41
Speaker 2: Oh I'm fired.
57:42
Speaker 3: It's almost like the David Letterman thing where it's like
57:44
Speaker 3: you're stalking me. It's like so Keith, I hear you're
57:47
Speaker 3: firing me for being pregnant. Let it backfoot him.
57:51
Speaker 2: Let him sue you first, then counter sue. He'll never
57:54
Speaker 2: see it coming.
57:55
Speaker 3: He's a fool.
57:56
Speaker 2: You will be tied up in court for years. This
57:59
Speaker 2: baby will go through high school before you get out
58:01
Speaker 2: of this, and everyone will be ruined.
58:05
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that is where all of my advice inevitably
58:08
Speaker 3: leads to the universal ruin.
58:11
Speaker 2: Just kind of a life wasted excellent advice. I think
58:15
Speaker 2: Hannah's on her way to I mean, working.
58:18
Speaker 3: Girl, working girl. That My most urgent piece of advice
58:21
Speaker 3: is stop learning with with me.
58:24
Speaker 2: I mean, come on, it's I mean.
58:26
Speaker 3: It's tacky, it's ghost it's hideous.
58:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, Hannah's ultimately a gross, pregnant fire suing person, and
58:36
Speaker 2: I don't want her tor ever right back in again, Hannah,
58:39
Speaker 2: get out of my life, Zach. I've had such a
58:42
Speaker 2: wonderful time with you, and I've now got this beautiful
58:45
Speaker 2: little book that if I were to just lay on
58:48
Speaker 2: the table, people might be mildly confused when they just
58:51
Speaker 2: see that I have a children, but there will be
58:55
Speaker 2: a lot of explaining to do that's right, and that
58:57
Speaker 2: creates conversation.
58:58
Speaker 3: There you go and you don't even have to do cook.
59:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, this would be a nice little thing to do
59:03
Speaker 2: cocaine off of.
59:03
Speaker 3: Actually you really do. Yeah, I see why you don't
59:05
Speaker 3: do cocaine. It's like, really just a thought away every time,
59:09
Speaker 3: every week, rain storming ways to get the stuff in
59:12
Speaker 3: my nose. Thank you so much for thank you. I
59:15
Speaker 3: had a great time. Thanks for having me. Thank you.
59:18
Speaker 2: Uh, listener, the podcast is over. You know it's over.
59:22
Speaker 2: You're denying it. You're trying to get on with your
59:24
Speaker 2: you know you're not trying to. You're delaying your I
59:28
Speaker 2: need you to stop listening. I've got to get you
59:31
Speaker 2: off the podcast and doing something else. Get out of here.
59:35
Speaker 2: I love you, goodbye. I said No Gifts is an
59:43
Speaker 2: exactly right production. It's produced by our dear friend Analise Nelson,
59:47
Speaker 2: and it's beautifully mixed by Ben Holliday. And we couldn't
59:50
Speaker 2: do it without our guest booker Patrick Kottner. The theme song,
59:54
Speaker 2: of course, could only come from miracle worker Amy Man.
59:59
Speaker 2: You must follow the show on Instagram at I Said
1:00:02
Speaker 2: No Gifts. I don't want to hear any excuses. That's
1:00:04
Speaker 2: where you get to see pictures of all these gorgeous
1:00:06
Speaker 2: gifts I'm getting, And don't you want to see pictures
1:00:08
Speaker 2: of the gifts?
1:00:11
Speaker 1: And I invited you, hear, I thought, I made myself
1:00:17
Speaker 1: perfectly clear. When you're a guest to my home, you
1:00:23
Speaker 1: gotta come to me empty. And I said, no gifts,
1:00:30
Speaker 1: you're our presences. Presence enough. I already had too much stuff,
1:00:37
Speaker 1: So how did you dare to surbey me?