Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Establish Their Authority Without Being Bossy
Transcript
- Lucas: There's a moment every new manager hits — you have to tell a former peer what to do, and suddenly the room gets quiet. You feel the shift. And you wonder: am I being bossy or am I being a leader? Luna: Right. That line is surprisingly blurry. Especially when you're still building your authority. Lucas: Exactly. And the research on this is actually quite specific. Dr. Lindsey Cameron at Wharton ran a two-year study of 150 new managers. She found that the ones who established authority fastest shared a set of behaviors that aren't about being louder or more demanding. She calls it 'soft dominance.' Luna: Soft dominance — I like that. What does it look like in practice? Lucas: If we've helped you think through a career move or a tricky conversation at work, and you're finding value in these episodes — we deliberately don't run ads on any of the Fexingo shows. If you want to support that choice, the link is buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure at all, just a way to keep this ad-free. Luna: Yeah, it's a small thing that makes a big difference to us. And we appreciate every single person who's chipped in. Lucas: So back to soft dominance. One of the first techniques Cameron documented is what she calls 'framing the why before the what.' Instead of saying 'Please update the Q3 forecast by Friday,' you say 'We need to give the CFO a solid number before the board meeting, so I need the Q3 forecast by Friday.' The directive is the same, but it lands differently. Luna: Because you're giving context. You're not just issuing orders — you're bringing them into the logic. Lucas: Yes. And the research showed that teams rated those managers as more competent and more respectful. The same request, just with a sentence of context before it. Luna: What about the language itself? I've noticed some new managers use 'I need' a lot — 'I need the report,' 'I need you to call the client.' Does that hurt or help? Lucas: Cameron actually tracked that. 'I need' can sound like a personal plea. It puts the manager in a position of dependency. Her recommendation is to use 'I expect' — 'I expect the report by end of day.' It's a statement of standard, not a request. But you have to deliver it with a neutral tone, not cold or harsh. Luna: So it's a small word change that shifts the frame from 'please help me' to 'here's what's required.' Lucas: Exactly. And the third technique is probably the simplest and hardest: the pause. When a team member challenges you or asks a tough question, many new managers rush to fill the silence. They over-explain, they justify, they soften. Cameron's data shows that managers who pause for a full 10 seconds before responding are perceived as more confident and authoritative. And 10 seconds feels like an eternity in a conversation. Luna: Ten seconds is brutal. But I can see why it works — it signals that you're not rattled, that you're thinking. Lucas: Right. And then when you speak, you're more measured. You've had those 10 seconds to actually formulate a response, not just react. Luna: So let's talk about the over-explaining pitfall. Why do new managers fall into that so often? Lucas: I think it comes from a good place — a desire to be transparent, to not seem like a dictator. But when you over-explain, you undermine your own authority. You're essentially saying 'I need you to understand why I'm asking this, so please approve.' Cameron's advice is: give the context once, then stop. Don't circle back and add more reasons. Luna: There's a great example she uses in her paper. A new manager told her team 'We need to move the standup to 9:30 because I have a conflict at 9, and also because the data team needs to be there, and also Sarah said mornings are better for her.' That's three justifications. It sounds defensive. Lucas: Compare that to: 'Starting next week, standup moves to 9:30. That gives the data team time to prep their numbers.' One reason, done. The team can accept it or push back, but the manager isn't begging for approval. Luna: So how does a new manager practice this without feeling like a jerk? Because especially if you're managing former peers, there's a fear of coming off as arrogant. Lucas: That's the key tension. And Cameron's research actually addresses it directly. She found that the managers who were most respected by their teams were the ones who combined direct language with what she calls 'warmth cues' — a slight smile, eye contact, a nod. So you can say 'I expect the report by Friday' with a warm tone and a nod. It's not cold. It's clear. Luna: So it's not about being robotic. It's about being intentional with your words and your presence. Lucas: Exactly. And one more thing from the study: the managers who succeeded at this also asked for feedback early. They'd say 'How did that land?' or 'Was that clear?' That openness to feedback actually reinforced their authority, because it showed confidence. Luna: Interesting — so asking for feedback isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength, if you do it after you've stated your position clearly. Lucas: Right. You don't ask 'Was that okay?' — that's weak. You ask 'Does that make sense?' or 'Any questions?' It's a small difference in phrasing, but it keeps you in the lead. Luna: I want to go back to the non-verbal side. You mentioned the pause. Are there other body language cues that help establish authority? Lucas: Cameron's team coded video recordings of managers in meetings. The ones rated as most authoritative had steady eye contact, they didn't fidget, and they kept their hands still or used slow, deliberate gestures. One surprising finding: they blinked less. Nervous blinking is a tell. Luna: So it's almost like you're slowing down your entire presence. Less movement, fewer words, more intentionality. Lucas: Exactly. And this goes back to the core idea of soft dominance — it's not about being the loudest person in the room. It's about being the most grounded. When you're calm and measured, people lean in. Luna: What about when you have to deliver a hard message, like reassigning a project or saying no to a request? Does soft dominance still apply? Lucas: Especially then. Cameron studied a manager who had to tell a team member that their proposal was not going forward. The manager said: 'I appreciate the work you put into this. The proposal doesn't fit our current priorities, so we're not moving forward. I want to redirect your energy to Project X.' Short, direct, no apology, no over-explaining. The team member accepted it because the manager was clear and respectful. Luna: Notice she didn't say 'I'm sorry, but...' or 'This was a tough decision...' She just stated it. Lucas: Right. No hedging. And that's the hallmark of soft dominance — you can be kind and direct at the same time. They're not opposites. Luna: So for a new manager listening right now: what's one thing they can try tomorrow? Lucas: Pick one meeting — a one-on-one or a team standup — and before you speak, pause for a full three seconds. Not ten, just three. Then use one of the techniques: frame the why, use 'I expect' instead of 'I need,' or simply don't over-explain. See how it feels. The research suggests the team will respond well. Luna: And if it feels awkward at first, that's normal. New habits always do. Lucas: Exactly. But the data is clear: soft dominance works. It's not about being a different person. It's about being more intentional with the authority you already have.