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SMNTY Classics: Unboxing Gifting Dynamics · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: I'm welcome to stuff I've never told you prediction if
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: I hurt, are you? And for today's classic, as we're
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: in the holiday season, we're bringing back one on gifting
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: gifting dynamics because you and I have been talking about this,
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: and you were asking about the stigma perhaps of women
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: giving homemade.
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: Gifts as you're thinking about your punch needle era.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: It's an a, y'all, And you know, we've done a lot.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Of episodes and we've had a lot of conversations about
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: ethical gift giving and all this stuff. But I do
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: think there are a lot of dynamics that go into
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: what you give somebody. Why you give someone something like
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: matching financially what they're doing, and if you can't. And
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: the homemade gifts is an interesting we'll have to come
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: back and look at that.
• 1:10
  Speaker 4: Moore will also you'll be getting some so you can
• 1:13
  Speaker 4: tell them your feelings about my homemade gifts.
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: So I should have a review. I shouldn't be on here.
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: I should have like that should be on our Patreon
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: if we ever do it. Any reviews, samanthasm I will
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: love them.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: I'm very excited about it. To be honest, but please
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: enjoy this classic episode. Hey, this is Annie and Samantha
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: and welcome to Steff Whenever told your picture of iHeart Radio.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: And if you've listened to our recent episode, we are
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: in the final stretch listeners of the year. This is
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: our last recording session, I believe, unless something wild happens.
• 2:07
  Speaker 4: Yes, I mean, we've had some technical issues this year,
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: so mate.
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: It's possible.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: We don't want to say that too loudly.
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: Gosh, my birthday will never be the same.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: Anyway, So we've already had some some mishaps, but we're
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: powering through, and we're powering through with this episode that
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: I think we could come back and revisit in a
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: much more research episode, But for today, we're just going
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: to kind of have an informal discussion around gift giving
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: and some of the interesting, interesting i'll say, dynamics that
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: can occur with gift giving since a lot of us
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: are in that season where you're buying gifts frantically. I gosh,
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: I spent like three hours rapping gifts the other day
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: at my back, my back, but the gifts look great
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: except on the bottom not good.
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: But you know, you put it on the floor.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: They can't see that, right, I'll let you know, listeners,
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, you kid, that's okay. We need to be
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: more honest about all of this, which is what we're
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: talking about. So this is meant to be kind of
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: more of a humorous thing though a lot of what
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: we're talking about stings, but there are larger issues here,
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: especially around money, especially around a lot of things we're
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: going to talk about that we could explore in more depth.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: So I just want to say that we're more and
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: more just talking about our anecdotal stories and experiences.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, honestly, I know you said that.
• 3:34
  Speaker 4: This came from the story that I was told I
• 3:37
  Speaker 4: had told for my birthday, And just to kind of
• 3:40
  Speaker 4: put it loosely, essentially, my relationship with my family has
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: been a little difficult in the last ten years.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: I have changed a lot.
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: And I will say they have noted.
• 3:49
  Speaker 4: And I did not realize the differences that we had
• 3:52
  Speaker 4: because for so long I was trying to acclimate to
• 3:56
  Speaker 4: their beliefs, to their standards, which I find problematic and
• 4:02
  Speaker 4: I think most people in our listenership would find problematic.
• 4:06
  Speaker 4: They are that modern racist where they feel like what
• 4:11
  Speaker 4: they're thinking is not as bad as way back when,
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: so therefore their opinions are not that bad, which I
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: would disagree with wholeheartedly, especially today as we've come full
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: circle to a lot of that same issues that you know,
• 4:24
  Speaker 4: we've been talking about for the last one hundred years. Honestly, right,
• 4:29
  Speaker 4: and I say we as in like the all of
• 4:33
  Speaker 4: people in this fight, not me personally, I am not
• 4:35
  Speaker 4: one hundred years old.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Let's go ahead and.
• 4:37
  Speaker 4: Put that out there, just in case that is a
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: confusing statement. And as getting older and actually having money
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: and coming into my own adulthood and my own independence,
• 4:49
  Speaker 4: I have I feel like I have up my game
• 4:51
  Speaker 4: in gift giving, which I'm pretty proud of. I will
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: say right again, last year talked about is money. A
• 4:56
  Speaker 4: lot of that is because I could not afford to
• 4:58
  Speaker 4: give the things that they truly want, and so I
• 5:02
  Speaker 4: think I'm a pretty good gift giver. So I tried
• 5:04
  Speaker 4: my best to do all of these things. And as
• 5:06
  Speaker 4: of reason, I haven't seen my parents as much as
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: they would like me to. We've kind of gotten distant again,
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: not only because of our beliefs, but when it comes
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: down to the pandemic, our attitudes have been different and
• 5:18
  Speaker 4: so therefore we have not seen each other. Their fiftieth
• 5:22
  Speaker 4: anniversary happened, and I did not go because it was
• 5:25
  Speaker 4: in the middle of the pandemic. They went forward because
• 5:28
  Speaker 4: celebrating to them was more important than the help of others,
• 5:30
  Speaker 4: and I felt that was not as important from my
• 5:33
  Speaker 4: stame point, because if I were to get someone sick,
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: I would be wrought with guilt, like because at that
• 5:38
  Speaker 4: point there was no vaccine. All these things, so there was.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: A big wedge.
• 5:43
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and it's understandable on both ends, if that makes sense.
• 5:47
  Speaker 4: If the fiftieth year anniversary, which it is is a
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: big thing, is important, your daughter who did not show
• 5:53
  Speaker 4: up would feel a slight to them, and I think
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: it did. All these things happened as we finally came together.
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: I should try to make things. You know, with gift giving,
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: you can't buy love. I know this, but I trying
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: to show that, Hey, I know you, I thought about
• 6:07
  Speaker 4: this for you, whatever whatnot. I went home and typically
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: when for our celebration, because we don't see each other
• 6:12
  Speaker 4: all the time, I live an hour and a half away.
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: Everybody's busy, Like they celebrate birthdays at the beginning of
• 6:19
  Speaker 4: months and September. You know, this is heavy with birthdays
• 6:24
  Speaker 4: and celebrations, and mine's included, my mom's included, is included,
• 6:27
  Speaker 4: There were anniversary was included. So I assumed we were
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: all celebrating that I showed up. I had all the
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: gifts ready. My partner, you know, came in. We were
• 6:35
  Speaker 4: very excited, and they kind of didn't have anything for me,
• 6:39
  Speaker 4: which was surprising because I've talked about the fact that
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: they used to make me cheesecake every year and it
• 6:42
  Speaker 4: was just a tradition that didn't happen. They were kind
• 6:46
  Speaker 4: of surprised that I came in, but it was like
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: two days before their anniversary, so of course I've brought
• 6:50
  Speaker 4: them an anniversary gift that I came in with all
• 6:52
  Speaker 4: these gifts.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm not going to see you for
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: your birthday.
• 6:53
  Speaker 4: Here's this and this, and they were like, oh, we'll
• 6:58
  Speaker 4: send you a gift, which was so awkward. So none,
• 7:00
  Speaker 4: nothing happened because I literally prepared my partner or we're
• 7:03
  Speaker 4: gonna get a cheesecake. This is why I think my
• 7:05
  Speaker 4: mom's doing the celebration.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: This an assumption. It's an assumption, and I.
• 7:08
  Speaker 4: So strongly apparently, and so none of that happened, and
• 7:11
  Speaker 4: I was like, oh, okay, well that that felt weird.
• 7:17
  Speaker 4: And this happened after an instance in which this is
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: always not it's not as humorous.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: It's not as humorous.
• 7:23
  Speaker 4: I wish it was, but it it kind of I
• 7:25
  Speaker 4: kind of got othered, as in like they talked about
• 7:28
  Speaker 4: my grandparents, who was really close to at one point,
• 7:30
  Speaker 4: like before their deaths, and I still miss them very much.
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: And it was my niece and myself and were talking
• 7:35
  Speaker 4: about it, and at one point she she my mother
• 7:37
  Speaker 4: went essentially saying saying that it was my sister's grandmother,
• 7:40
  Speaker 4: not mine, and to the point that my niece had
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: to defend me.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: And I was like, wow, what just happened?
• 7:46
  Speaker 4: Okay, like it was the and that was never had
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: that happened in my life until that point to my face.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: That that's to my face. So that's the whole thing.
• 7:53
  Speaker 4: So all of these things were like cants that that
• 7:55
  Speaker 4: things were changing, and I was like, I don't know
• 7:57
  Speaker 4: what to do about this. And so for my birth
• 8:00
  Speaker 4: I get my call from my mom. She's like, oh,
• 8:02
  Speaker 4: we got your birthday present. It should be coming. It
• 8:04
  Speaker 4: should be coming. I was like, oh, cool, cool, My
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: thought is they always give me gift cards.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Cool, I love that. Give me that. No, I'm not
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: a big deal. I love the gift cars. Give it
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: to me. I'll spin that. Waited, waited, it was late,
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: it was late, it was late, and finally it showed
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: up and I kind of looked at it and.
• 8:20
  Speaker 4: I opened it up, and it was a nice like
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: one of those gift giving places obviously, like they that's
• 8:24
  Speaker 4: their whole thing. If you look up nice gifts to send,
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: this is going to be one.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Of those places.
• 8:30
  Speaker 4: And it's like baskets of things, them things, you know,
• 8:33
  Speaker 4: stuff like that.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: And it was literally a tray of dried fruit.
• 8:37
  Speaker 4: And I sat there and stared at it, and I
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: looked at my partner because both of us were like
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: what Because I have never in my life said anything
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: that I liked dried fruit. I have never in my
• 8:47
  Speaker 4: life said anything about this company. So it made no
• 8:50
  Speaker 4: sense for my mother, who typically is a really great
• 8:52
  Speaker 4: gift giver, like she's amazing and very considerate for the most.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Part, that I just sat there.
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: And I laughed, and I was like, what am I
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: supposed to do with this? I don't eat this, I
• 9:04
  Speaker 4: don't do this. And when I looked it up. I
• 9:07
  Speaker 4: was like, it's a nice gift for someone you don't know.
• 9:10
  Speaker 4: It's literally like if you're sending it to an older
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: person or someone that you had not seen, it was
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: a condolence's gift essentially, right if nothing. And I was
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: just like, oh, I think they are really mad at me.
• 9:24
  Speaker 4: Like that's all I could think was this was one
• 9:27
  Speaker 4: of those last minute they forgot I did something super
• 9:30
  Speaker 4: super nice. They were not going to do anything. They
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: were just gonna or very minimal at anything, and that
• 9:36
  Speaker 4: was the end. So essentially I was like huh huh,
• 9:41
  Speaker 4: And I'm trying to figure it out, to the point
• 9:43
  Speaker 4: that I was so taken aback that I did.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Not immediately call them.
• 9:48
  Speaker 4: I finally did, and I got a voicemail, and then
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: I kind of never talked about it again, and then
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: my dad asked about it because I could tell my
• 9:54
  Speaker 4: dad was hurt that I was not appreciative that they
• 9:56
  Speaker 4: sent me a gift and that it probably bothered my
• 10:00
  Speaker 4: especially because she was really worried it wasn't even get
• 10:02
  Speaker 4: to me.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: So I really think.
• 10:03
  Speaker 4: It was well intended, but felt like it's something you
• 10:07
  Speaker 4: give to a stranger, right, Yeah, So This started this
• 10:11
  Speaker 4: whole moment of like wow, and I know it's just
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: a gift, but it felt like it was a testament
• 10:17
  Speaker 4: to our relationship.
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: Right right, And that's the thing.
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: That's the thing, because originally when you told me this story,
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: we kind of joked about, like your bitter field.
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: It's still here, by the way, it has nothing. One
• 10:27
  Speaker 4: person touched it. When I set it out for a party.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: I was there and I was trying to be very
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: delicate about it. I'm not sure I exceeded.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: And we've talked about gift giving and especially gift giving
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: with women before we called it passive aggressive gift giving,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: and just all these dynamics we're going to run through
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: some really quick. I did want to share I have
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: a story that similar. But it's also funny to me
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: because we recently Samantha and I did kind of a
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: comparison of the holiday movies we watch every year, and
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: the differences between them are clear and made me laugh.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: But one big theme in a lot of the movies
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: I watch is the dad who's never there. Finally is like,
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: oh God, the power of Christmas, let me get this
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: gift to you. But it like, did the bare minimum
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: let's be honest, like he should have done that forever ago,
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: given the circumstances he had. It was just that he
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: wasn't there. But my dad once was not there on Christmas.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: Eve didn't give an explanation why, but we all knew
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: what it was. And then he came back and he
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: was like, I was out getting you a Christmas gift.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: He didn't even wrap it, and it was a football,
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: a manager football that I believe they hand out for
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: free at football games.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Yes, they throw into the stands.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: And I was a grown ass woman at this point
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: listeners who had never shown any interest in football, like,
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: nothing would have.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: Been better at that point, thank you.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 12:03
  Speaker 4: Essentially, it's kind of like that level of like, I
• 12:05
  Speaker 4: don't know what her thought process was, and I could
• 12:10
  Speaker 4: be taking it completely out of context in that she
• 12:13
  Speaker 4: literally looked up something different. She wanted to give me
• 12:16
  Speaker 4: something different than gift cards, and when she googled it
• 12:20
  Speaker 4: on her phone in her limited experience in technical prowess,
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: this is what popped up because it is one of
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: those things that first pops up as an act, right
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: that that and that's why she's like perfect, which is
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: hilarious because growing up I did love fresh fruit. I
• 12:36
  Speaker 4: was very, very obsessed with fresh fruit, to the point
• 12:38
  Speaker 4: that it was because it was expensive, which it shouldn't be,
• 12:41
  Speaker 4: and so my pop parents didn't get it often because
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: it wasn't as sustainable as getting any of these dry
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: things or box things.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: A lot of artificial stuff.
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: So she knows I'm like fresh fruit, which is an
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: option in those baskets.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, even that would have made a lot
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: more soon.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: Right right, Well, this is you know, we're talking a
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: lot about the kind of like parent relationship, but it
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: is a big deal with like couples as well. And
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: then you see that so many times in sitcoms where
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: it's like you gave me this, like you haven't been
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: listening to me, you didn't pay attention to me, this
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: is what you thought I wanted. And speaking of that, like,
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: we see that a lot with women, particularly on sitcoms,
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: I think, And so I was just thinking of a
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: couple of examples, like, for one, you know, there's a
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: lot of gendered gift giving and a lot of maybe
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: not well thought out gift giving when it comes to women.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: And one big joke is like when you give a
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: woman a vacuum or some kind of like cleaning, like
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: this is a thing.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: You're gonna have to do, which I will say, don't
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: get me wrong.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: If you ask for a vacuum, you want a good vacuum,
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: that's great, good vacuum.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: I'm looking for a good stick vacuum.
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: Right, Like, you can actually want that.
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: But a lot of times it was just be like
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: the house is dirty, you are the one that cleans it.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: Here's a vacuum, right, like kind of that underlying message,
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: this is what I asked.
• 14:00
  Speaker 4: For, right right, And like there's in Love actually, which
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: was one of the movies that I made you watch.
• 14:08
  Speaker 4: That the fact that Emma Thompa's character which she saw, Yeah,
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: we knew something was wrong.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: I know that's heartbreaking, Oh I know, but I mean
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: that's the same thing. Like my mom would always tell
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: my dad like I want this, which we all do,
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: but she would like go out and buy it herself.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: She would buy it and then wrap her own present yep,
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: which is like you know, again, if that's what you
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: want and that works for you, and communicated it fine,
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: But to me, it just felt like he was not
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: going to do it.
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: She was not going to get her something. She actually wanted,
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: so she had to go out and buy the thing
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: and then wrap it herself. Yeah.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And then a couple of years ago, oh peloton,
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: oh peloton, not having a good time of it. But like,
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: that's a big theme I see with gifting and women,
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: which can feel either passive, aggressive or outright offensive. Because
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: there was that commercial that it was like the husband
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: gave his wife, who was very thin, a peloton and like,
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: you'll be able to get in shape finally, honey. And again,
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: if that's what you want, if you want to feel better,
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: be healthy, that's fine, but it was much more framed
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: and like you need to lose weight for it.
• 15:21
  Speaker 4: Right and for our family, and you need to do
• 15:25
  Speaker 4: this in the waking hours when you don't have to
• 15:27
  Speaker 4: like handle the kids.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: Right, like spit this into your schedule, and then it
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: doesn't it Like cut to a.
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: Year later and she's like supposed to be so much
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: more fit.
• 15:36
  Speaker 4: You're like, you look the same, right, and then cut
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: to Ryan Reynolds taking her off the same actress and
• 15:43
  Speaker 4: it looked like she had been in like a hostage
• 15:45
  Speaker 4: situation essentially.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, I mean that's the thing I've seen
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: that happen too. Where people will give those kinds of gifts,
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: which I can't hark on this enough. If that's something
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: you want, that's fine, But we're more talking about sort
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: of the when a gift is more about you and
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: it's about Yes, oh that is a big one. Yeah,
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: Victoria's secret. Around this time of year, it's like the
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: only time you see a lot of men in there,
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: they soundly reason.
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a good point.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: My uncle gave me clothes from the maternity section once,
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: and I have to feel like that was a very
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: mean spirited gifts.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Could you do it?
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: He said something like, I wasn't sure if anything else
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: would fit you.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: Yes, Is this the same uncle that I have problems with?
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: I could, Well, I think you have problems with multiple
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: of my uncles.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah. That might be the show. Your family is fun.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: It's it's a yeah, you know, it's a well put
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: the idol though.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: Our families are amazing, are amazing.
• 16:50
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Like that's the thing is like my
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: mother also not because I don't have a lot of
• 16:56
  Speaker 4: relationship content to that that gifts that I've typically got
• 17:00
  Speaker 4: from any partners. I don't think I've had many partners
• 17:02
  Speaker 4: during Christmas. I purposely stayed away from partners through Christmas.
• 17:07
  Speaker 4: But like, like my experiences had been like, because I
• 17:10
  Speaker 4: don't like Christmas, I've been given gifts to make me
• 17:13
  Speaker 4: try to like Christmas. I'm like this, this is not
• 17:15
  Speaker 4: gonna work because I don't I'm not religious. I've been
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: given religious gifts to change my ways. Yeah, and that's
• 17:21
  Speaker 4: just more than one person on that one. But that's like,
• 17:24
  Speaker 4: why why would you do this? Why would you make
• 17:27
  Speaker 4: me really despise you more? Am I doing this to me?
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah? No, for sure. And one you bought up that
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: I had totally forgotten.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: About is married gifts, the gifts once you get married.
• 17:40
  Speaker 4: This is right, I mean honestly, because I said this
• 17:44
  Speaker 4: is the Sex and in the City episode. We've heard
• 17:46
  Speaker 4: so many times we have put this away for your wedding,
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: we have put this away for your this that you
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: have to hit a specific mark. And I've thought about
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: that because I know, no shade, because I'm happy for
• 17:58
  Speaker 4: people like they have, sayd money a lot of the
• 18:01
  Speaker 4: tradition for weddings. So therefore, my sister had a budget
• 18:07
  Speaker 4: specifically paid for by my parents.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: I will never see that money.
• 18:10
  Speaker 4: Unless I get married, and even then I think I'm
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: an adult now, so I probably won't because she was
• 18:14
  Speaker 4: not necessarily like in career life yet when you got married.
• 18:19
  Speaker 4: But like we know that's a lot of people that,
• 18:23
  Speaker 4: especially when it's the bride'side, which is a whole different
• 18:25
  Speaker 4: conversation in itself, but like the tradition is that the
• 18:28
  Speaker 4: bride's family pays for the wedding. I think it has
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: a lot to do with a dowry way back when.
• 18:34
  Speaker 4: But like that's that level of like, I've saved this
• 18:36
  Speaker 4: for your wedding, right, so unless you do this, you're
• 18:39
  Speaker 4: not going to get this. In the Sex and the
• 18:41
  Speaker 4: City's episode, it literally was that, like, once you get married,
• 18:44
  Speaker 4: you'll get part of my fortune, but if you never
• 18:46
  Speaker 4: get married, you're never going.
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: To get it. Yeah, And that's so strange.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: That's such a like I feel my mom had a
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: lot of that kind of stuff, which I've always been
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: quizzical about with like plates, Like when she got married,
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: she got of a bunch of like nice silverware and
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: nice plates and stuff, and I like that's nice in
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: one level of Okay, you're married now and you can
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: have that, but it's also like what if they never
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: got married, But they're still in a state relationship.
• 19:15
  Speaker 4: Well, but then that's kind of goes into the like wedding,
• 19:19
  Speaker 4: bridal showers and maybe showers. I have given so much
• 19:24
  Speaker 4: money to friends right for wedding gifts, baby gifts, all
• 19:28
  Speaker 4: these things, and I have never once thrown any of
• 19:30
  Speaker 4: those kinds of parties. Where's my housewarming something?
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no, it's true, it's true.
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: Oh gosh. And then I did.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: Want to mention just because this is a huge thing
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: during this time as well, with gifts like gendered gift giving.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: I have recently come across several that are aimed at men, because,
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: as I told you, a friend of mine got me
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: these Star Wars themed soaps because of course, and she
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: didn't realize when she gave them to me. But they're
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: for men, it says, like for men, which cracks me
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: up because it's like, one, you're trying to trick men
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: into like buying soaps so they'll be clean, I guess.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: But two, it's implying that Star Wars isn't for women.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: Right once again once again.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: Yes, but also they smell really get I'm excited to
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: use them. It just makes me laugh. I'm like, it's sad,
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: but it's so funny to me that it like literally
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: says soaps for men. Yeah, you don't want to use
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: those soaps for.
• 20:33
  Speaker 4: Women obviously, Like the dude wipes, they're obviously only for
• 20:37
  Speaker 4: men to wipe the bus, right, everything else is women's
• 20:41
  Speaker 4: even though there's no gender outside of that. There's no
• 20:44
  Speaker 4: women's wipes outside of being like douche projects, which we
• 20:46
  Speaker 4: don't love anyway, no.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: One should be using them.
• 20:49
  Speaker 4: But like any of the like cottonell all that, which
• 20:53
  Speaker 4: also are bad for the environment, bt dubs, but dude
• 20:56
  Speaker 4: wipes just because.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: Right, well, and there's just so much like it's such
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: a clear time when you look at gifts to see
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: that the the ginger divides that still exist based on
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: what gifts are, like these are manly men gifts, you
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: get this, and these are for women, you get this,
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: And like it's still even when you come to children,
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: which we've done multiple episodes on, like the gendering of
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: children's toys, it's still like women kind of doing how
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: domestic stuff and men.
• 21:25
  Speaker 3: Drinking whiskey and grilling out.
• 21:29
  Speaker 4: Yes, that's which makes me laugh because yeah, all of
• 21:31
  Speaker 4: them are like brown leather or any and you're like,
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: but why also, whiskey, I'm confused.
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: I know we need to we need to put an
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: end to this, okay. And then I did briefly want
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: to talk about regifting, which I'm actually not opposed to
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: regifting without disclosing I think is the issue I.
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: O doh't know if it's something like we've definitely gotten
• 22:13
  Speaker 4: things that we are supposed to endorse that were like,
• 22:16
  Speaker 4: we're not going to use this, but I do. Is
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: it a really regift, I'm probably just going to give
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: it away and then just gifts.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it is. It's different, but I've definitely had those moments.
• 22:27
  Speaker 4: When I was younger and I was making twenty nine
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: thousand a year, I had three niees and nephews. I
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: had been given gift cards from people that I'm like, okay,
• 22:34
  Speaker 4: want to use this for them, and they would use it,
• 22:37
  Speaker 4: so the I'm like.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: This is their gift. This makes it easier for me.
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, Like I said, I'm not really opposed.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: I think what I'm specifically thinking about there's an episode
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: of Seinfeld for this place out it's more in a
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: like romantic relationship.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: That's fair.
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, but I do I.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: Want to mention this because when I was very young.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: I didn't have any money, but I was very I've
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: actually I did have money, but I didn't spend it.
• 22:58
  Speaker 3: Maybe that's the issue.
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: But I regifted all of these things to my relatives
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: and I made them a bunch of gifts. And I
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: was nine years old because I wanted to give everybody
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: a gift, and I overd them making fun of me.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: About yeah.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: And so now it's become like I I can't forget
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: that conversation. It haunts me, and so I feel like
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: part of the reason I go out of the way
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: with gifts, which I feel I'm pretty give with my friends.
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: My friends not so much.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: But yeah, I feel like I'm pretty good, but you
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: get up.
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: No. But that's the thing is it's turned into because
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: of like, at least in part because of this memory,
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: I have to redeem myself.
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah, even though I was like nine, and what does
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: it matter.
• 23:48
  Speaker 4: Honestly, I've never had that countrymatic experience, and I would
• 23:51
  Speaker 4: be traumatized by that for real, for real, like it
• 23:53
  Speaker 4: would see her into my memory. Obviously it has to
• 23:55
  Speaker 4: you as well, but for me, like it's literally that
• 23:58
  Speaker 4: level of I want to be able to give anything
• 24:01
  Speaker 4: I want to give without right, without question, and again like,
• 24:04
  Speaker 4: not until recently have I been able to have the
• 24:07
  Speaker 4: capability to do so. But I still have to rein
• 24:10
  Speaker 4: it in because there's this level of disparity when it
• 24:14
  Speaker 4: comes to what you're giving and what you're getting, and
• 24:16
  Speaker 4: so you don't want to make that other person feel worse.
• 24:19
  Speaker 4: And I would be that person if you can be
• 24:20
  Speaker 4: saying something amazing and I gave you something minute, Oh right, damn.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: It, what do I do?
• 24:26
  Speaker 4: It's kind of like that Office episode which he brings
• 24:28
  Speaker 4: the iPod Touch, which is like two hundred dollars, and
• 24:31
  Speaker 4: everybody was like, we're supposed to send twenty dollars.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: Why are you doing this?
• 24:33
  Speaker 4: And he makes a big deal. Not that I make
• 24:36
  Speaker 4: the big deal, but you don't want that to happen either.
• 24:39
  Speaker 4: It's such a bad balance, Like gift givings feels so awful,
• 24:43
  Speaker 4: which I just read a tradition in Iceland that I'm like,
• 24:46
  Speaker 4: maybe we should do this. You know what I'm talking about,
• 24:49
  Speaker 4: essentially the night before Christmas or maybe some New Years
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: I can't remember, in which instead of giving all.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: These big gifts, you just give books.
• 24:57
  Speaker 4: And what you do is you sit around as a
• 24:59
  Speaker 4: family reading your own books.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: That's the it. That's it, And I'm like, that's sounds amazing, ye.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: That yeah, I mean no, that's a good point because
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: I think, just to wrap this up, there is a
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: stress around finance and sometimes I get the I was
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: talking about this with some friends of mine the other
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: day because I'm of the opinion like I love giving gifts.
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: I love getting gifts, but I don't like it.
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: If you're just doing it to do it, like oh,
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: I have to do it, and I have to find
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: you a gift, and I know it's not perfect for you,
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: but I can't think of anything else. I would much
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: rather like throughout the year see something to be like,
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: oh Samantha would love that. I'm going to get that
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: and give it to her, as opposed to like, oh god,
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: it's December. I can't think of a single thing, which
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: is why I have my post it note where I
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: make notes throughout the year. But you know, I do
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: like that idea, and that's why my group of friends
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: that I've grown up with we had a rule where
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: you couldn't spend any money.
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: It was like a regifting or if you found something
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: and I just loved it, you got the most interesting gifts.
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: I got a big bird ornament that had its legs
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: broken off, and I love it. How did you find
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: that I love it?
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: That's interesting. I feel like i'd been they dug it
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: out of a trash can and I like it. There,
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: Oh I love it.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: I legitimately love it because it's just so when I
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: opened it, of course I had to laugh.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: Amazing.
• 26:24
  Speaker 4: But that's the thing, Like, yeah, that's and then also, yeah,
• 26:27
  Speaker 4: having that clear communication of like, yeah, doing gifts. Who yeah,
• 26:30
  Speaker 4: Like I think you're a gift person, but you don't
• 26:32
  Speaker 4: think I'm a good person.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: Right, You do need to have that conversation, And I
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: think it is it's good to establish because I've seen
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: that play out in rom comms as well, where they're like, oh,
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: we're not doing gifts, and then one of them gets
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: a gift and then the other person's just mad because
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: you agreed not to get any gifts, right, Like, I
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: think you need to be very clear on those kinds
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: of uh parameters, because I mean, this is is supposed
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: to be a fun, nice thing, and I think it
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: can be, but clearly there's a lot.
• 26:57
  Speaker 4: Of because I feel like the capitalist of it all
• 27:00
  Speaker 4: makes it a little more.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: It takes out the magic.
• 27:03
  Speaker 4: Sometimes I will say, I do want to redeem the
• 27:06
  Speaker 4: story about my.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: Bitter fruit my better dried fruit in.
• 27:11
  Speaker 4: That that I think my parents have come back round
• 27:14
  Speaker 4: in that, Oh, this is something else that maybe we
• 27:17
  Speaker 4: should go back to what it was with Christmas. They've
• 27:19
  Speaker 4: kind of done some things, and they've actually done some
• 27:21
  Speaker 4: really good boundaries for themselves because they have so many grandkids,
• 27:25
  Speaker 4: step kids, like family members that they are trying to
• 27:27
  Speaker 4: give for, and they're retired and they don't need to
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: be doing any of that. I don't want to seem
• 27:30
  Speaker 4: like I'm being ungrateful because I know that least they tried,
• 27:34
  Speaker 4: I do.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: And I've tried to like come back to that, but
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: it was so out.
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: Of left field and so not pretending to me that
• 27:40
  Speaker 4: it felt it felt like it was passive aggressive. And again,
• 27:45
  Speaker 4: this is my own feelings and I have to like
• 27:47
  Speaker 4: own that. But I do know that my mother, like
• 27:51
  Speaker 4: I said, has been an amazing person when it comes
• 27:53
  Speaker 4: to gifts. My dad is very sentimental, but he doesn't
• 27:55
  Speaker 4: buy things necessarily.
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: He likes the moments.
• 27:58
  Speaker 4: But my mom, she really does put an effort to
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: the point that she makes herself so anxious that she
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: hates everything.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: And BT dubs.
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: She's probably one of the most crafty people I've seen
• 28:08
  Speaker 4: in my life. Her packages look like they need to
• 28:10
  Speaker 4: be in shopping malls as displays, Like you don't want
• 28:13
  Speaker 4: to open her presence. It's one of those you have
• 28:16
  Speaker 4: big floral ribbons with like decor, pine cones, mistletoe in there,
• 28:20
  Speaker 4: and you're like, what the hell is happening with this package? Yes,
• 28:23
  Speaker 4: so she is that person. So I feel like it
• 28:25
  Speaker 4: does come back round. But there is a lot to
• 28:27
  Speaker 4: be said that when it comes to gift giving and
• 28:31
  Speaker 4: if you're trying to be sentimental in trying to knowing somebody,
• 28:34
  Speaker 4: and some people are good and some people aren't.
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: That's the thing that's true. There isn't an.
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: Art to it.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: It is this, yes, And I don't want to ever
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: As we said, we were kind of just having an
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: informal discussion, you know, I don't want people to feel
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: more guilty than than not, Like I can't think of
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: a gift, but I have to get them something.
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: We've all been there, we all do it right. Some
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: people are better at it than others, and that's just
• 28:59
  Speaker 3: that's just how it is, and that's okay.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: And some people have more hobbies so it makes it easier.
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: That's true.
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: And I've gotten some amazing paintings from a good friend
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: of mine, Katie, who does that, and they're like so good,
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: like I love it.
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: Like I think.
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: I think it's another one of those areas where you
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: don't have to relegate it into one thing, like gift
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: giving can look like a lot of ways, like I
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: really like it when people just take me up for
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: a drink or something.
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: Like, it doesn't have to be physical love. Yeah, exactly.
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: So hopefully it's not super stressful for everybody listening. I
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: know it can be, but there is there's something like
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: giving that perfect gift and like, oh.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, it's powerful.
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: It's a powerful it is it is.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: It is all right, Well, good luck everyone, hopefully good luck,
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: gift shopping done.
• 29:47
  Speaker 4: For those of you who are having a hard time,
• 29:49
  Speaker 4: we love you. And then we know that this was
• 29:51
  Speaker 4: a very privileged conversation and we're so sorry, but just
• 29:54
  Speaker 4: know you're not alone, no matter what.
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: No, no, no no.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: And if you I would like to contact us, you can.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: Our email is Stephania Mom Steph at iHeartMedia dot com.
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: or on Instagram at steff I've Never told you.
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: Thanks as always to our super producer.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: Christina the best, Merry Christmas.
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: And thanks to you for listening. Stefan never told you
• 30:16
  Speaker 3: This prodictionive of iHeartRadio.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: For more podcasts from My Heart Radio, you can check
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: out the iHeart Radio ap Apple Podcasts wherever you listen
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: to your favorite shows.