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Familiar Stranger - The One I Thought I Knew Pt 2 (Marriage Reset Series) - 249 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

0:06
Michelle Moore: I want our time and you know, for husband and wives, if you're constantly on your phone and let me tell you I love marketplace because Facebook marketplace I can find some great deals but I also need to take that time important to my husband is there.
0:21
Michelle Moore: Something I can do to be helping him is is, you know whether it may be?
0:26
Michelle Moore: Hey, go mow the lawn.
0:27
Michelle Moore: Hey, getting ready for whatever he's getting ready to do.
0:30
Michelle Moore: You know you need to take that time and invest in them, because it's so easy to get away from that yeah, you only have one life to live that's right this week on marriage life and more, we get into part two of our first episode on marriage reset going from roommates to soulmates.
0:51
Daniel Moore: We'll be getting back into that right after this.
0:53
Daniel Moore: Welcome to Marriage Life and More podcast.
1:29
Daniel Moore: It's a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies, and we interview people that have inspiring stories.
1:34
Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host.
1:35
Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us this week.
1:36
Daniel Moore: Over here beside me is my gorgeous wife, michelle.
1:40
Daniel Moore: She's our co-host of this podcast.
1:43
Daniel Moore: So thankful that she's here today.
1:45
Daniel Moore: Hey, hey, and if you guys are not familiar with our show, you can check out our website at wwwmarriagelifeandmorecom for our platforms.
1:52
Daniel Moore: Our YouTube and Rumble links are there.
1:54
Daniel Moore: We're also on the Christian podcasting app, edify, and we're also on your Alexa and Google smart devices.
1:59
Daniel Moore: You can also visit us on social, on Facebook and Instagram and X at CT Gap Online.
2:04
Daniel Moore: And if you're a fan of our show, please subscribe.
2:07
Daniel Moore: Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms, give us a thumbs up or five star, even Apple podcast, and we'd be eternally grateful to you for doing that.
2:15
Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us.
2:18
Daniel Moore: As we mentioned there in the intro, last week, we started a brand new series called Marriage Reset week.
2:26
Daniel Moore: We started a brand new series called Marriage Reset, and this is something that Michelle and I feel that is very important to talk about on our marriage podcast here, because a true marriage is two people that are madly in love with each other and they want to spend the rest of their life together.
2:36
Daniel Moore: They are intentional in everything that they do with their relationship.
2:40
Daniel Moore: And when you start losing all of that last week we talked a little bit about the little foxes and how they can get in there and they can start destroying those vines of marriage, those roots that you put into place whenever you first met and first got married, and over time it can just disintegrate if you're not careful and aren't proactive with your marriage, and it can really change and go a very bad direction if you're not careful.
3:06
Daniel Moore: And if you're in that mode right now where you already feel like that you are just roommates in your marriage.
3:11
Daniel Moore: Well, this series, hopefully, will minister to you and maybe give you some things to think about and maybe some areas in your life that you can identify where you need to make some changes.
3:20
Daniel Moore: So this week we're going to continue with our very first episode, part two of that Familiar Stranger, the one I thought I knew.
3:42
Michelle Moore: There's no question that serious issues like abuse, infidelity and pornography and addiction can severely damage a marriage.
3:50
Michelle Moore: We're not downplaying the deep pain and destruction these wild beasts can cause.
3:56
Michelle Moore: If your relationship has been impacted by one of these serious challenges, seeking professional help is very crucial.
4:04
Michelle Moore: By one of these serious challenges, seeking professional help is very crucial.
4:06
Michelle Moore: Still, it's equally important not to dismiss another common and often overlooked threat to marriage slowly growing apart.
4:13
Michelle Moore: Time and time again, growing apart is mentioned as a key reason for divorce.
4:26
Michelle Moore: It's the quiet fade that sneaks in through everyday life.
4:27
Michelle Moore: Couples don't fall in love and stand before friends and family to promise forever and then plan to ignore each other emotionally.
4:30
Michelle Moore: But over time, without attention or intention, passion wanes, intimacy goes untouched and connection slips away.
4:40
Michelle Moore: This shift doesn't happen overnight.
4:44
Michelle Moore: It's a gradual drift, often invisible, until the emotional chasm feels too wide to cross.
4:51
Michelle Moore: Soulmates transform into roommates, not by catastrophe, but through a slow bleed of emotional distance.
5:00
Michelle Moore: Passion is exchanged for predictable routine.
5:03
Michelle Moore: Passion is exchanged for predictable routine.
5:04
Michelle Moore: Intimacy gives way to apathy.
5:06
Michelle Moore: Deep connection dissolves in polite science.
5:13
Michelle Moore: Sex is swapped for sleep.
5:14
Michelle Moore: Laughter and fun fade into boredom.
5:17
Michelle Moore: Conversations get reduced to logistics and schedules.
5:22
Michelle Moore: Peace shifts into quiet tension.
5:25
Michelle Moore: Dreams once shared and imagined together simply fade away.
5:29
Michelle Moore: Roommate marriages can carry the load of responsibilities raising kids, paying bills, maintaining a home but miss out on the rich life-giving benefits that a healthy, but miss out on the rich life-giving benefits that a healthy, connected marriage brings.
5:45
Michelle Moore: Yes, being married often comes with advantages Financial stability, health insurance perks, certain tax breaks and better retirement planning.
5:57
Michelle Moore: But let's be real.
5:58
Michelle Moore: No one gets down on one knee dreaming on joint tax returns.
6:03
Michelle Moore: I certainly didn't promise Daniel forever for a better insurance plan.
6:09
Michelle Moore: I married him because I long for life with my best friend, filled with passion, intimacy, laughter, prayer, encouragement, intentional connection, meaningful conversation, connection meaningful conversation, fun, shared vision and spiritual unity, and that actually that brings up a pretty good point.
6:32
Daniel Moore: I think you know, whenever we're getting married and we get down on our knee and will you marry me, you know we do the engagement thing or whatever.
6:40
Daniel Moore: It's very interesting to think of it that way.
6:46
Daniel Moore: Is you know, will you marry me for my joint tax return or my financial stability.
6:50
Daniel Moore: Yeah, my better insurance policy because I get a family family plan and you get more phones on a phone plan.
6:57
Daniel Moore: They get cheaper than what you know, I guess.
6:59
Daniel Moore: If you look at it that way, I don't know that anybody really does.
7:03
Michelle Moore: But I mean, in the long run you really think about it when you have two people.
7:07
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
7:08
Michelle Moore: The financial stability is there, and then one of us may have the better insurance plan.
7:12
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's very possible and I guess eventually down the road, if your marriage slips that direction, I guess that's all you're married for.
7:18
Daniel Moore: I guess is for the perks.
7:20
Daniel Moore: I'm not quite sure.
7:21
Michelle Moore: But that wasn't my dream, though.
7:23
Michelle Moore: I was going to say I don't know that.
7:24
Michelle Moore: I've ever heard that.
7:24
Michelle Moore: I mean, yeah, they're perks, but who thinks of those?
7:28
Daniel Moore: I like how the cynicism was there in all of that, but you know, it reminds me that there's a song that was out a long time ago by Casting Crowns called Slow Fade.
7:37
Michelle Moore: Yeah, I remember that song, yeah.
7:48
Daniel Moore: So that song was actually talking about our Christian walk with God and it was talking about how.
7:50
Daniel Moore: You know it's not something that happens overnight.
7:51
Daniel Moore: It's a slow fade that we end up in that spot with our life with Christ where it just seems like it just fades away.
7:55
Daniel Moore: And you know what used to, where we were in church, every time the doors were open, you know we cherished our Bible reading time at home and our prayer time and all that kind of thing, and then over time, as the years passed by, we'd start sliding out of some of that stuff until we eventually didn't go to church anymore.
8:15
Daniel Moore: We never read our Bible, never even cracked the cover, never did pray.
8:18
Daniel Moore: We quit praying over our meals.
8:20
Daniel Moore: You know it's just that song is so true.
8:22
Daniel Moore: It's just a slow fade in how all of that happens.
8:26
Daniel Moore: And what's interesting to me and you know, since we started doing this marriage podcast, it's really reinforced inside of me to remember that.
8:37
Daniel Moore: You know, this marriage that you and I have between each other so much reflects the relationship between us and Christ, because anything that can happen between that, you know we're the bride, we're the church, the bride of Christ, and so that slow fade that we can have in our relationship and our walk with God.
8:57
Daniel Moore: That same exact thing happens between you and I if we're not careful.
9:02
Daniel Moore: And it's a slow fade.
9:04
Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know, it's that, the little foxes like we talked about last week.
9:07
Daniel Moore: It's those little bitty things that piles up until it almost seems like it's unfixable anymore, Right, and you just decide to forget it and give up on it and move on.
9:16
Daniel Moore: And that's not God's intention for our relationship, for our lives.
9:21
Daniel Moore: That's the last thing that he wants for us to do in our marriages.
9:25
Daniel Moore: But you know, unfortunately many couples who end up in roommate marriages miss out on the beautiful experiences that they can have in their marriage.
9:35
Daniel Moore: The term married roommates may look different from one relationship to another.
9:40
Daniel Moore: Through extensive research, subtle patterns have been identified, small habits and behaviors that quietly lodge themselves into the relationship and slowly erode connection or start to slow fade.
9:52
Daniel Moore: You could say these are those little foxes that we started talking about last week, the seemingly insignificant issues that, if left unaddressed, can deeply damage and harm a marriage.
10:04
Daniel Moore: That, if left unaddressed, can deeply damage and harm a marriage.
10:07
Daniel Moore: So this week, as we mentioned last week, we're going to talk about 11 key behaviors that contribute to this slow fade between spouses.
10:13
Daniel Moore: For some couples, one major dynamic might really stand out.
10:17
Daniel Moore: For others, it might be a combination of several small habits that quietly disconnect you.
10:22
Daniel Moore: It's important to realize that feeling like roommates isn't a black and white issue.
10:27
Daniel Moore: It exists on a spectrum.
10:29
Daniel Moore: Depending on your life stage, the impact of growing apart is going to look different.
10:34
Daniel Moore: A couple with small children they may feel it in the chaos of caregiving.
10:39
Daniel Moore: A couple without children may experience it in different ways.
10:43
Daniel Moore: You might just be going through a temporary season of disconnect, or you could be on the edge of a long-term disconnection without even knowing it.
10:50
Daniel Moore: Wherever you find your relationship today, becoming aware of those little foxes that can create that havoc is a crucial step toward rebuilding that marriage that you deeply desire and I think that everyone desires a good marriage, or they wouldn't even pursue it.
11:06
Michelle Moore: Right.
11:06
Daniel Moore: You know, I think that if you're going to go through all the work to try to win somebody over and to get into that relationship with that person that you feel like you're madly in love with, then I think that that had to be a deep desire within your heart that you wanted.
11:18
Daniel Moore: So you probably never intended to get to the point where it slowly faded away.
11:22
Daniel Moore: Recognize, recognizing these issues gives you the power to respond proactively and to rekindle that love and intimacy and that joy that you at once cherished earlier in your relationship.
11:35
Daniel Moore: So someone wants you guys to do, as you're listening to us today, this week, on this episode, as we go through.
11:43
Daniel Moore: These 11 characteristics rate your marriage on a scale of one to five, with one being you don't relate to five, you relate completely.
11:52
Michelle Moore: I'm going to do this, are you?
11:54
Daniel Moore: Yeah, I'm going to be in trouble.
11:55
Daniel Moore: So just make sure We'll see how this turns out in the end, so we might be roommates and still not even realize it.
12:02
Michelle Moore: So I'm basing this on you or me.
12:04
Daniel Moore: Well, this is based on how you feel about these points.
12:07
Michelle Moore: So like the first one for example.
12:10
Daniel Moore: So yeah, so this first one here.
12:12
Daniel Moore: We'll just go ahead and get into them and I'm going to check mark it.
12:15
Daniel Moore: You'll rate that on a one to five.
12:17
Daniel Moore: No, geez, how bad.
12:18
Daniel Moore: You feel like that.
12:19
Daniel Moore: Actually Five.
12:20
Daniel Moore: The worst Five would be how did I have that?
12:23
Daniel Moore: One is being you don't relate at all.
12:26
Daniel Moore: Yes, and then five would be you completely relate.
12:29
Daniel Moore: So like two and a half would be right in the middle.
12:31
Michelle Moore: I'm afraid to do this.
12:34
Daniel Moore: If it's bad, don't tell me.
12:35
Daniel Moore: I don't want to hear it.
12:37
Michelle Moore: Now, this is based on me, though.
12:39
Daniel Moore: Well, this is, yes, this is your opinion.
12:41
Daniel Moore: So I guess when you're done I can see if I agree with your opinion.
12:43
Michelle Moore: But the first one, it's just me.
12:45
Michelle Moore: I'm like I can't even.
12:48
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and that's where, if it's not marriage related, then it's not an issue.
12:52
Michelle Moore: Oh, okay.
12:53
Daniel Moore: If it's something else that's causing it.
12:54
Daniel Moore: So this is where you got to just discern is this a marriage thing?
12:57
Michelle Moore: Or is it?
12:57
Daniel Moore: just like a, or do you feel like it, you know?
13:00
Michelle Moore: so that's that's kind of how you make me exhausted, so I'm watching you do everything.
13:04
Michelle Moore: Is that what it is?
13:06
Michelle Moore: Just kidding?
13:08
Daniel Moore: That's not a marriage thing.
13:09
Michelle Moore: OK just so that you guys know Dan can run circles around me and I'm just still back there on the first one, why he's around me 15 times.
13:20
Michelle Moore: I'm like where did you go?
13:23
Daniel Moore: Yeah, I put the vroom vroom in our marriage, I guess.
13:27
Michelle Moore: Well, it wasn't that way until I had all my surgery.
13:29
Daniel Moore: No, she used to run circles around me.
13:31
Daniel Moore: I would tell her to slow down.
13:33
Michelle Moore: So we've kind of flipped here later in life, not by choice.
13:35
Michelle Moore: For me, though, yeah.
13:37
Daniel Moore: So we've got 11 characteristics here.
13:39
Daniel Moore: Oh gosh, this is going to be funny.
13:40
Daniel Moore: So you guys rate these and we'd love to hear your responses.
13:43
Daniel Moore: If you guys are willing to do this with us this week and write these down and you can email us at Daniel at connecting the gap dot net or through the Web site If you want it to be private, if you don't mind, just let other people see how you came out and kind of compare notes.
13:57
Daniel Moore: You can do that on our social media platforms as well.
14:00
Daniel Moore: So the first characteristic here that you might be a married roommate.
14:05
Daniel Moore: Now take, remember, just because we're saying all this, these points, doesn't mean that you're a married roommate.
14:13
Daniel Moore: You've got to look at it from your marriage standpoint and decide is it my marriage causing this point or is it just life in general?
14:18
Daniel Moore: So you have to determine.
14:19
Daniel Moore: That's where this one to five thing comes into play.
14:21
Daniel Moore: So the first one is exhausted.
14:24
Daniel Moore: And what we say when we say we're exhausted and exhaustion, we're saying that you're sleep deprived, tired or burned out.
14:31
Daniel Moore: The cause of your fatigue is often beyond your control and based on your circumstances or season of life, Realities such as raising kids, starting a new job or business, caring for an aging parent and medical illness or dealing with a special needs child leave you feeling exhausted.
14:49
Daniel Moore: As a result, you are more sensitive, more easily offended, more confrontational and more likely to say things that you regret.
14:58
Daniel Moore: You are less likely to have the energy to invest in your spouse or your marriage.
15:03
Daniel Moore: So where do you rate at?
15:06
Daniel Moore: On being exhausted?
15:07
Daniel Moore: And this one is a big one, because I remember, even when we were younger, running circles with our kids, trying to get them to sports and jobs and trying to pay bills, Because we you know, back then the kids were in a lot of traveling sports.
15:21
Daniel Moore: So that cost us a lot of money and you know, being financially tight can be very exhausting in a marriage.
15:28
Daniel Moore: There's just so many things that can just really exhaust you Take everything out of you.
15:33
Daniel Moore: Even if you're healthy.
15:33
Daniel Moore: Yeah, a good, healthy person.
15:35
Daniel Moore: So, like you, you know, and we had an episode on all of your medical stuff and everything, and so you know, after all those medical things that you've been through, how does, how do you feel now?
15:47
Daniel Moore: I mean?
15:49
Michelle Moore: still, I mean what you.
15:51
Michelle Moore: I mean.
15:51
Michelle Moore: I have stage two kidney disease, so obviously fatigue is always going to be an issue for me, but I also have lymphedema.
16:03
Michelle Moore: So because of all that, I get exhausted, easy, easier, let me just say that.
16:04
Michelle Moore: And so I rated myself as a two on that, just for not necessarily, but I think it does affect our marriage.
16:12
Michelle Moore: There are times that I feel like I'm so exhausted that I'm like I just need to go lay down, I just want to sleep, and I think that can affect you and me, because I'm not putting into my relationship, because I'm just I'm well, how easy is it, because of your medical history and the things that you have going on, even with your job and stuff like that, that causes that exhaustion?
16:36
Daniel Moore: How much easier is it for you to be irritable and pop off at me for something?
16:40
Daniel Moore: I say, yeah, it's nothing to do with our marriage necessarily.
16:43
Daniel Moore: I say it's nothing to do with our marriage necessarily, and it's probably not really the fact that I said something really mean or, you know, irrational to you or that kind of thing.
16:51
Daniel Moore: It's just I caught you in a bad moment because you're so exhausted with everything else, that that's just something else that I'm piling on top of you now.
17:00
Daniel Moore: And so you know, I know there's, there's times when you and I both have been really tired and really exhausted and we've not handled questions correctly, right, we've asked each other.
17:10
Michelle Moore: I agree.
17:10
Daniel Moore: Our conversations that we've had, but it wasn't a make or break thing where that was the end of our marriage.
17:16
Daniel Moore: You know, it's just something that we had to come.
17:18
Daniel Moore: Well, you know, like this weekend with moving our kids and stuff, it's been very exhausting because it's 100 degree weather here right now and doing all of this out in the heat and the sun it's very easy to get irritable and short fused.
17:31
Michelle Moore: And when you go nonstop.
17:33
Daniel Moore: Yeah, trying to work in everything else in between.
17:36
Michelle Moore: And our age?
17:36
Michelle Moore: It doesn't really.
17:37
Daniel Moore: Our age, you know.
17:40
Daniel Moore: I mean, I'm only 52, but sometimes I feel like I'm 70.
17:43
Daniel Moore: I ripped houses as a younger and my younger years, and so my, my back and my lower waist sometimes gives me fits.
17:50
Daniel Moore: But stuff like that, when it's combined, can actually cause you to have a bad reaction to something your spouse may say.
17:57
Daniel Moore: And so with that point, you just have to come back later and say hey, you know, just like this morning, we talked a little bit about it and apologized.
18:05
Daniel Moore: I mean, it's, it's just something.
18:06
Daniel Moore: It's, it's not a make or break thing, but it's something you got to fix.
18:10
Daniel Moore: Now, however, if your marriage is exhausting you, and it's literally a marriage problem, that's causing the exhaustion and you're getting to the point where you're fed up and you're just tired of dealing with the other spouse.
18:21
Daniel Moore: You're tired of dealing with marriage, relationship issues, whatever those may be.
18:26
Daniel Moore: You know, if they're intimacy issues or emotional, you know, maybe there's some abuse going on.
18:33
Daniel Moore: There's lots of things within a marriage itself that can cause exhaustion.
18:38
Daniel Moore: That's not a good exhaustion and that's something where you have to really decipher.
18:44
Daniel Moore: Well, is this part of why I'm a roommate now?
18:47
Daniel Moore: You know, am I just?
18:49
Daniel Moore: Am I tired of dealing with it If I'm just done with it.
18:51
Daniel Moore: You know, that's the attitude you get when you get so exhausted I'm just done, I just can't do this anymore.
18:57
Daniel Moore: And so, with that being the case, you have to fix that.
19:00
Daniel Moore: Yeah, have to fix that, yeah.
19:08
Daniel Moore: What's the second one?
19:11
Michelle Moore: Busy, you feel like two ships passing in the night.
19:15
Michelle Moore: It's easy to feel disconnected when priorities get misaligned and schedules are out of sync, because the focus is on work, kids, housework, yard work, friends, hobbies, bills, church and so on.
19:30
Michelle Moore: Your hectic schedules and demanding responsibilities leave little time for each other.
19:36
Michelle Moore: Spending quality time together has fallen to the bottom of your to-do list.
19:41
Daniel Moore: Oh wow, this is a big one, a very big one.
19:44
Daniel Moore: We talked a little bit about this earlier, because even church ministry can get you in trouble with this busy thing.
19:52
Daniel Moore: And how many times and I want to bring this out how many times, just in relationships in general, let's say with your relatives or, you know, with the casual friends that you have or whatever you know, they may come up and say, man, it's been forever, this has been talked, that I got to talk to you, or you know you come over a lot, haven't seen you in a while, you've not been over.
20:15
Daniel Moore: It's funny because almost every single time our first comment well, I've just been busy, it's like you're right.
20:23
Daniel Moore: That is our go to comment or our answer for all of those situations.
20:29
Daniel Moore: And in reality, when you break it down, where are you really?
20:32
Daniel Moore: I mean, you know it's like we get to a funk.
20:39
Daniel Moore: Sometimes I think, where you know I can sit, you know, at night if I wanted to, I could sit at night after dinner and just watch TV all night if I wanted, and you know, just kind of relax and whatever, and just put all of my relationships on the back burner.
20:51
Daniel Moore: Never talked to anybody or whatever.
20:52
Daniel Moore: That's not really being busy, but yet whenever they try to, you know they come up to talk to me and well, I haven't seen you in a while, whatever.
20:59
Daniel Moore: Well, my first call.
21:00
Daniel Moore: I've been busy, you know, I've just got a lot going on right now.
21:03
Daniel Moore: It's honestly, sometimes it's a lie, you know, but that's a go's a that's a go to answer that we give a lot.
21:11
Michelle Moore: And I think too on this one it could be seasons of life.
21:14
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
21:14
Michelle Moore: I think you know it could be a four now and it could be a one later.
21:21
Daniel Moore: So that's a good point.
21:22
Daniel Moore: That could be definitely change a lot.
21:24
Daniel Moore: Yes, I think all of these could probably it could change a lot, Truthfully yeah you truthfully can be busy I mean it's that's not saying you can't be but why are we busy?
21:36
Daniel Moore: We put ourselves in that spot.
21:38
Daniel Moore: That's the only reason that we get super busy like that, I think sometimes, you know, like we was talking at the very beginning of last week's I think it was how, how, what your, your, my life looks like.
21:50
Daniel Moore: You know so to a lot of people when we were talking about everything that you and I both do, they probably got exhausted listening to us because they're just not that type of person.
22:02
Daniel Moore: They can do one or two things, and that's all they can handle.
22:04
Daniel Moore: I think there's other people that are like well, I probably do 10 more things than what you guys said and I keep.
22:09
Daniel Moore: You know everybody's different in how they look at that, but when it comes down to it, no matter what we put ourselves into, no matter what things we take on in life as a responsibility that we have to take care of, or day to day activities or whatever it may be, I don't think that, especially in our marriage side of things, we should never have so much there that we can look at our spouse and say we're too busy for you.
22:32
Daniel Moore: You know, I just don't think that should ever be an issue.
22:35
Daniel Moore: We should always have time for our spouses, and if we can sit there and say that we're too busy for our spouse, then we probably need to start cutting something.
22:43
Daniel Moore: Not your marriage, not your spouse.
22:46
Daniel Moore: That's not what you cut.
22:47
Daniel Moore: You start cutting some of the stuff off that's causing you to be too busy to communicate, too busy to live life as spouses, too busy to nurture that love and that intimacy and the emotional part of why you married that person.
22:59
Daniel Moore: And so I think when we're talking about you know, busy here, this is a very good characteristic to watch for, and when it comes to the point of how do you look at your marriage?
23:09
Daniel Moore: Are you actually a roommate or are you a soulmate?
23:12
Daniel Moore: Are you too busy to be a soulmate?
23:14
Daniel Moore: What's causing that?
23:15
Daniel Moore: So you know probably need to shave some things off.
23:20
Daniel Moore: So the next one here is pragmatic.
23:22
Daniel Moore: What this one is.
23:24
Daniel Moore: You have a business like relationship as you do life together.
23:27
Daniel Moore: Most of your communication is around administering your marriage, talking about to-do list schedules, kids, finances and so on.
23:37
Daniel Moore: It's like a business.
23:38
Daniel Moore: Your communication seems to have been relegated to short directives and curt responses.
23:44
Daniel Moore: This leaves hardly any time for meaningful conversation where you talk about your inner life, your emotions, your needs, your hopes, your fears and your dreams.
23:55
Daniel Moore: So this one here is almost like I said it's like you're running your marriage like a business.
24:00
Daniel Moore: Really, you're more business partners than you are being good spouses with each other, and so that's something that we really have to watch.
24:11
Daniel Moore: I do know people myself that I feel like kind of runs their marriage like that to an extent.
24:18
Daniel Moore: They just all they ever talk about is, you know, paying the next bill or getting the kids to the next event or whatever, and they totally forget about each other.
24:27
Daniel Moore: And you know, I think there was probably a point in our time in our life, really in our marriage, that we probably did that a little bit, because, especially when our kids were so heavily into sports.
24:37
Daniel Moore: You know, michelle and I used to coach our kids soccer for the city league and then we also had some traveling time with a couple of our kids doing traveling soccer and our daughter did a show choir and a cheer.
24:54
Michelle Moore: Yeah, and speech and debate that kind of stuff.
24:56
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and so you know when you have kids in the mix like that and they're going through school.
25:00
Michelle Moore: And they were busy in church stuff.
25:01
Daniel Moore: Yeah, church camp and, yeah, church events and everything.
25:05
Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know it's super easy for that to happen and you don't think nothing about it.
25:10
Daniel Moore: You, you know it's, it's super easy for that to happen and you don't think nothing about it.
25:12
Daniel Moore: You think, well, I'm just nurturing my kids and I'm helping them grow up and be good kids and be involved and, you know, want to enjoy things or whatever, and there's nothing bad about all of that.
25:21
Daniel Moore: But there's still a balance.
25:22
Daniel Moore: You have to have a balance in all of that and I think there are some points, you know, places in Michelle and our marriage where I feel like we failed to keep that balance and we've talked about multiple times how we put our kids before each other and God never set it up that way and he didn't set it up that way for a reason.
25:40
Michelle Moore: Right right.
25:41
Daniel Moore: Because if you allow that to happen, if you run your marriage like a business, then eventually you're probably going to run into those issues where you're just probably not going to be happy being together anymore because it's all going to be about trying to make enough money to pay that next bill or you know all the business side of things and raising your kids and whatever it may be.
26:00
Daniel Moore: You have to have time for each other and to build that relationship.
26:04
Daniel Moore: Do you have anything to add to that one?
26:07
Michelle Moore: I do want to ask on this one right here.
26:09
Michelle Moore: I do want to ask on this one right here.
26:10
Michelle Moore: I mean, does it kind of go to like, if somebody is on the schedule, like they schedule everything out?
26:18
Michelle Moore: Is that kind of what this one is too?
26:21
Daniel Moore: If they're not scheduling their own time in that schedule.
26:23
Daniel Moore: Ok, yeah.
26:24
Daniel Moore: So basically this one here is you're making sure all the business is taken care of in marriage with the kids and the finances and the home and all that kind of thing, but you're totally neglecting each other.
26:38
Daniel Moore: There's just you can schedule stuff for yourself.
26:39
Daniel Moore: I mean it's a known thing that some people need to schedule when they have sex and stuff.
26:41
Daniel Moore: I mean it's just depending on your marriage and that kind of thing.
26:45
Daniel Moore: There's things that happen where you're, you're better off or you schedule some of that stuff because that makes sure that it happens, because some people get so busy.
26:53
Daniel Moore: You know that even things like that doesn't even take place.
26:57
Daniel Moore: And I know that sounds weird and it's not something that Michelle and I do by any means.
27:03
Daniel Moore: But you know I've looked through multiple, I've been through multiple studies and multiple books about this kind of thing from different leaders in these industries and a lot of them talk about that a lot, because people struggle as spouses.
27:18
Daniel Moore: Sometimes they struggle to try to figure out where to fit themselves into the equation.
27:23
Daniel Moore: It's a huge struggle for some people and if they don't schedule things and stick to that schedule and just make it happen, then they have a tendency just to keep pushing themselves on the back burner.
27:33
Daniel Moore: They will never attend to their relational issues and their emotional and intimacy issues, and then they end up in this state of not wanting to be together and their marriage just falls apart.
27:43
Daniel Moore: And so, regardless of whatever it takes to make sure you take care of yourself whether if that's setting up a schedule or whatever it may be it's super important that you do it one way or the other to make sure you take care of that relationship.
27:56
Daniel Moore: So go ahead and give us number four.
27:59
Michelle Moore: Gentle.
27:59
Michelle Moore: Neglect.
28:00
Michelle Moore: You or your marriage is constantly taking a back burner to jobs, kids, friends, housework and hobbies, and you feel ignored.
28:09
Michelle Moore: You don't feel like a priority.
28:11
Michelle Moore: Television, social media, kids, work, sports and hobbies monopolize your evenings or weekend time.
28:19
Michelle Moore: When you aren't together, your spouse is constantly checking his or her phone for text news, social media or games and you feel invisible.
28:28
Michelle Moore: So, go ahead.
28:31
Daniel Moore: So this one's from like one spouse's perspective.
28:33
Daniel Moore: One spouse is getting neglected, so go ahead.
28:36
Michelle Moore: I just feel like a lot of times.
28:38
Michelle Moore: I don't think people realize this, but phones are a big issue.
28:43
Michelle Moore: I don't think people realize when they go to sit down, whether it may be the dinner table sitting in the evening.
28:53
Michelle Moore: You know, whatever, maybe.
28:55
Daniel Moore: Restaurants.
28:55
Michelle Moore: Anything.
28:56
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
28:57
Michelle Moore: You see, if you do go to a restaurant, you see everybody on their phone instead of communicating.
29:01
Michelle Moore: I cherish that time and I feel like I communicate with Dan and say I usually will say this, and it doesn't happen all the time.
29:10
Michelle Moore: I'm not saying that, it's just saying I'm not competing with your phone.
29:19
Michelle Moore: And he is.
29:20
Michelle Moore: He's involved in like a lot of studies and stuff, so he's doing some of that stuff.
29:21
Michelle Moore: So I understand that completely.
29:22
Michelle Moore: But I want our time and you know, for husband and wives, if you're constantly on your phone, and let me tell you I love Marketplace because Facebook Marketplace I can find some great deals, but I also need to take that time important to my husband.
29:40
Daniel Moore: Is there.
29:40
Michelle Moore: something I can do to be helping him Is is you know whether it may be?
29:45
Michelle Moore: Hey, go mow the lawn, hey, getting ready for whatever he's getting ready to do.
29:49
Michelle Moore: Go mow the lawn, hey, getting ready for whatever he's getting ready to do.
29:50
Michelle Moore: You know, you need to take that time and invest in them, because it's so easy to get away from that.
29:56
Daniel Moore: Yeah, you only have one life to live.
29:58
Michelle Moore: That's right.
29:58
Daniel Moore: You only have one time in history that you're going to be with that spouse, because we all know we get to heaven.
30:03
Daniel Moore: We're not married anymore, and so this is the place where we have to build that relationship and love that person like no other, and it's not a good thing to let those distractions get in the way.
30:14
Daniel Moore: And so if you're rating yourself on this one, you're going to rate yourself.
30:18
Daniel Moore: Do you feel neglected?
30:19
Daniel Moore: That's the rating that you're giving on this number four here.
30:23
Daniel Moore: Do you feel like in your marriage that you're competing with the phone?
30:25
Daniel Moore: You're competing with your kids, you're competing with activities and things that are going on.
30:29
Daniel Moore: You're competing with your kids.
30:30
Daniel Moore: You're competing with activities and things that are going on.
30:31
Daniel Moore: You're competing with church.
30:32
Daniel Moore: Do you feel like that?
30:33
Daniel Moore: Everything in your relationship, in your life, you're constantly competing with that and you're just being ignored.
30:39
Michelle Moore: You know, at one point in time I would have put a five on that.
30:42
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
30:44
Michelle Moore: But now it's not even.
30:45
Michelle Moore: I mean, it's a one.
30:46
Michelle Moore: I mean I don't even relate to that.
30:49
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and our first marriages were real similar to that also, everything was more important.
30:56
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and then you know both directions.
31:00
Daniel Moore: But yeah, so, gentle, neglect is another issue that you need to look for, to determine are you living in a roommate situation or a soulmate situation?
31:10
Daniel Moore: The next one is complacent, and everybody knows what this one means.
31:14
Daniel Moore: Many people work hard to win their spouse and then, over time, they become comfortable.
31:20
Daniel Moore: The initial excitement associated with getting to know a person, growing in intimacy and trying new things as a couple can disappear as the two people settle into a routine.
31:30
Daniel Moore: It's not that we lose interest in our spouse.
31:33
Daniel Moore: We become comfortable.
31:34
Daniel Moore: We don't feel like we need to make much of an effort.
31:37
Daniel Moore: I mean, we've already won them over, right?
31:38
Daniel Moore: The romantic spark fades or is replaced by the mundane.
31:42
Daniel Moore: The marriage feels predictable and probably even boring.
31:47
Daniel Moore: So where do you fit into that one?
31:50
Daniel Moore: You know, being complacent is a very bad place to be, and again, this can mirror our relationship with God.
31:56
Daniel Moore: This is another, you know, another big one when it comes to how we treat our spiritual walk and our relationship with God.
32:04
Daniel Moore: If we get complacent like that, it's very hard sometimes to even admit that we're being complacent.
32:10
Daniel Moore: We just don't even want to admit it, and so you know, I think that in our relationship we've definitely been there, oh yeah, in that spot where we were complacent.
32:20
Daniel Moore: We just kind of rode the road, the tide, and just did whatever and everything was predictable with us.
32:27
Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know, we never had any spontaneity and just often do something.
32:31
Daniel Moore: I think you know we've worked kind of hard to try to not let that happen so much now.
32:38
Michelle Moore: Oh, definitely.
32:38
Daniel Moore: We'll just up and take off and go do things.
32:41
Michelle Moore: I mean the cruise.
32:42
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
32:42
Daniel Moore: There's things that we try to do to make sure that that doesn't happen again.
32:48
Daniel Moore: Because when you become complacent, that's a really quick one to know that you're just buddies.
32:54
Daniel Moore: You know that there's nothing else there besides that.
32:57
Daniel Moore: So what's number six?
32:59
Michelle Moore: Spiritually distant.
33:01
Michelle Moore: You rarely pray together, seldom talk about spiritual matters, hardly ever attend church together, don't have Christian friends that you hang out with together at church or in a small fellowship group.
33:14
Michelle Moore: You don't feel equally yoked.
33:17
Michelle Moore: The lack of spiritual intimacy has created a distance in your marriage and you don't feel like you connect at a deep spiritual level or soul to soul.
33:27
Daniel Moore: And being spiritually distant.
33:29
Daniel Moore: I think sometimes, even with couples that are going through bad situations, I think they forget about this part.
33:34
Daniel Moore: I think, once they start having marital issues and they're trying to concentrate on how to fix their marriage, that they really just forget about God and church A lot of times, not realizing that if they would stay in church and keep God in the middle of it, they probably could fix their problem a lot quicker.
33:50
Daniel Moore: Because with having God in the middle like that, that's really the best thing that you can have to try to solve these issues that come up.
33:59
Daniel Moore: If we stay biblical with our marriage, then that gives us something to score our marriage against and to challenge us to make sure that we keep it where it needs to be.
34:12
Daniel Moore: And there's a lot of people I know that they just don't think it's important to keep their kids in church.
34:17
Daniel Moore: They don't think it's important to keep themselves in church.
34:19
Daniel Moore: You ask them are they Christian?
34:20
Daniel Moore: Oh yeah, you know, I read my Bible every once in a while and I pray over my meals and whatever, and they think that that's all it takes, you know, to be a Christian.
34:34
Daniel Moore: And we do know that all you have to do is ask God into your heart and ask for repentance.
34:36
Daniel Moore: It's not hard to give your life to Christ, but there's more to it.
34:38
Daniel Moore: After that happens, you know you have to.
34:39
Daniel Moore: At that point, you should care about being in God's presence.
34:41
Daniel Moore: You should care about being around other fellow believers, and there's a lot of things the Bible teaches that God would like for us to do to help build that relationship with him.
34:50
Daniel Moore: And Michelle and I are both walking examples of what happens when you don't keep God first, and even our first marriages, you know, they failed too, I feel, because God was not there where he needed to be in those relationships, and so it's very, very important to make sure that you're not spiritually distant between each other.
35:10
Daniel Moore: You've got to stay on the same page and raise your kids in church.
35:13
Daniel Moore: That's super important.
35:15
Daniel Moore: So rate yourself on that one, on how you feel about being spiritually distant with your spouse in your marriage.
35:22
Daniel Moore: The next one is conflict avoidance.
35:24
Daniel Moore: You and your spouse evade difficult conversations.
35:28
Daniel Moore: You sweep negative issues under the rug or rarely bring an argument to resolution in a way that both people feel good about.
35:33
Daniel Moore: When we avoid conflict, problems don't get resolved and these small frustrations grow into big issues down the road.
35:40
Daniel Moore: Avoidance decreases intimacy and creates distance.
35:43
Daniel Moore: Because problems aren't being addressed and resolved.
35:46
Daniel Moore: Over time, spouses stop trying to work things out and deal with their relationship problems individually.
35:52
Daniel Moore: Ultimately, the strategy of avoiding problems blows up and spouses feel resentful and alone.
35:58
Daniel Moore: Do you feel like conflict avoidance is an issue?
36:03
Michelle Moore: No, not, for I mean at one point in time.
36:06
Michelle Moore: Yeah, yeah, but no.
36:07
Daniel Moore: Not with us.
36:07
Daniel Moore: Nope, we fixed that problem, thank, goodness.
36:11
Daniel Moore: I am one that doesn't like conflict.
36:13
Daniel Moore: Necessarily.
36:14
Daniel Moore: I will have it if I have to, but I usually got to be pushed into it for the most part.
36:18
Daniel Moore: But we all know that in relationships whether if it's just friends or if it's spouses or what you know, work related relationships there's going to be conflict, yeah, and if you don't fix it, it just creates more problems.
36:31
Daniel Moore: So you have to make sure that you don't avoid those conflict moments.
36:36
Daniel Moore: It should be important enough to you and of course, we've talked about this a little bit before.
36:41
Daniel Moore: Also, if it's a situation where you're angry.
36:43
Daniel Moore: You don't want to conflict when you're angry, so you do want to walk away from that for a little bit and cool off and try to get your composure together and then come together and have a, an adult conversation, um, about those, those issues, and try to to fix those issues and conflicts that you may have, Um.
37:01
Daniel Moore: But if you do avoid that all the time and you just don't want to stir the waters or rock the boat, then you might be heading towards having a roommate relationship.
37:12
Michelle Moore: Well, it's just like this morning we were discussing something and Dan kind of knows my personality.
37:19
Michelle Moore: I mean, he kind of he knows my personality 100 percent and he was telling me something and of course he can tell that knows my personality 100 percent and he was telling me something and of course he can tell that I didn't like what he had to say and so obviously we went a few minutes and then he come around, he's like I don't want nothing between us and he's like you know, this is, this, is we have to be this way, you know, and I'm like and we have to be this way, you know, and I'm like OK, you know, I could, he could tell I was upset about it and and I know he's right, but there are sometimes I'm just like don't you understand where I come from and my heart comes from?
37:53
Michelle Moore: Because I'm more of a, I'm a, I'm a generous person.
37:59
Michelle Moore: When I know something, someone's in need or something like that, I try to help, especially my children, and sometimes that's just not always the best thing to do and I have boundaries set, but sometimes I still want to do things.
38:14
Michelle Moore: And so he was calling me on the carpet and he was trying to avoid a conflict, because it would have came to that, to be quite honest, and he would have had to at some point say something kind of more stern to me, and so I feel like, you know, we have that now, where we both know each other enough to be like OK.
38:34
Daniel Moore: Yeah, we can actually kind of read our mail between each other so that we can navigate through that and come out on the other side hopefully with a good resolution.
38:44
Michelle Moore: Yeah, and that's it.
38:45
Michelle Moore: I mean it's not over till, it's over for me and it's like, hmm, ok, so there's still room to work there.
38:53
Michelle Moore: He's probably like, no, no.
38:55
Daniel Moore: Conflict over.
39:03
Michelle Moore: But he was loving.
39:04
Michelle Moore: He did it in a loving way.
39:06
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's that's, you know, there's good, healthy conflict.
39:09
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
39:10
Daniel Moore: I mean, there's, there's, you just have to work through it and figure out how to take care of that, but just don't let it get out of hand, right.
39:16
Daniel Moore: So the next one's a big one.
39:18
Daniel Moore: Sexless Sex is an important part of a marriage.
39:22
Daniel Moore: Big one.
39:25
Daniel Moore: Sexless sex is an important part of a marriage and yet researchers estimate that 15 to 20 percent of us couples haven't had sex in the past 12 months.
39:30
Daniel Moore: In a sexless marriage, sex becomes routine, dutiful, infrequent or non-existent.
39:36
Daniel Moore: Sex only happens if it's on the calendar.
39:38
Daniel Moore: Romance has faded, affection is absent and foreplay is a distant memory.
39:44
Daniel Moore: Certainly, there's a natural ebb and flow of a sexual relationship in marriage, depending on what season of life you're in or the circumstances that you're facing.
39:52
Daniel Moore: However, when we deprioritize sex, passion is replaced by boring, routine, duty or avoidance.
40:01
Daniel Moore: Ultimately, spouses feel rejected, lonely and resentful, susceptible to finding emotional and physical connection outside of the marriage.
40:11
Daniel Moore: This is a very, very dangerous place to be, but yet this is something that I feel probably happens quite often in marriages.
40:19
Daniel Moore: Michelle and I's been through that stage of our in our marriage, and not just multiple ways.
40:25
Michelle Moore: I was going to say it's, it's actually been we've been.
40:29
Daniel Moore: We've been through the sexless part just because we had a bad marriage.
40:32
Daniel Moore: That was not good at all.
40:34
Daniel Moore: But then later in life, after we we fix things and got back into a better state with our marriage and started working on everything and things were getting better, then your medical stuff happened and we had a whole episode on that and that again started causing issues with that part of our relationship, and that's something that you know.
40:56
Daniel Moore: There's a point where if you don't have sex between each other just because you don't want to and you don't work on trying to have that intimacy part of your marriage and keep it spiced up and healthy, that's not a good thing, because that is a big part of the relationship that God created for us to have, and usually that does leave one spouse out in the dark that yearns for that, but they can never get it, and that is one of those longings that's very hard to take care of and ignore, and that's why so many people a lot of times refer to going to having affairs because they find somebody else that's in a relationship like theirs, that they're being neglected and they're missing that part as well.
41:43
Daniel Moore: Well, then they find out.
41:44
Daniel Moore: Well, the two of them can at least maybe hook up and take care of that part of each other's issues, and then the affair begins, and that's not a good place to be.
41:53
Daniel Moore: Spouses have to talk about this when these issues come up, and try to work through all of this and try to find out what is the root of why we're having these issues.
42:03
Daniel Moore: What's causing us to not want this anymore, what's causing us to not be turned on by each other anymore or have that longing.
42:10
Daniel Moore: You got to figure out what's going on there.
42:13
Daniel Moore: Now, if it's a medical situation, that's something that at that point, the one spouse really needs, the other spouse even more so.
42:21
Daniel Moore: To step up and be understanding and try to work through it together and be proactive with different things that you can do to try to help get back to that point where at least both are satisfied.
42:34
Daniel Moore: And I think that you know, with Michelle and I, with the situations that we've been through, I think we've actually handled a lot of that very well between each other.
42:44
Daniel Moore: God's really helped us through a lot of that.
42:48
Daniel Moore: Is there anything that you want to add to that one?
42:50
Daniel Moore: Okay, just make sure that you know if you're in a state in your relationship right now where you're part of that statistic.
42:56
Daniel Moore: You've not had sex in over a year, or even six months, really.
43:00
Daniel Moore: If it's been a long time and you really don't know what the reason is, it's just you just don't want to do it anymore.
43:06
Daniel Moore: You're probably heading towards being a roommate, and that's something that we will talk about later.
43:12
Daniel Moore: There's a couple of episodes that we're going to have just on this subject, and once we get further down the road here with this series and just you know, be praying about that and ask God, you know, to maybe reveal the root of what's causing all of that and to give you that desire back again, because that's one of the most important parts of your relationship, that's that physical connection that you guys have between each other, and you should never be okay with that.
43:39
Daniel Moore: So what's the next one?
43:54
Michelle Moore: Disengaged, your marriage feels like each individual is going in separate directions.
44:00
Michelle Moore: It seems like the kids are about the only thing you have in common.
44:03
Michelle Moore: Certainly, couples shouldn't be together 24-7.
44:07
Michelle Moore: It's healthy to have alone time away from each other.
44:10
Michelle Moore: We're not talking about good self-care here.
44:13
Michelle Moore: Instead, is this roommate state.
44:17
Michelle Moore: Most your activities are done separately and you hardly see each other when you're at home.
44:22
Michelle Moore: You have separate bedtimes, maintain separate checking accounts, sleep in separate rooms, take separate vacations, have separate hobbies.
44:30
Michelle Moore: You feel like you're leading parallel lives.
44:33
Michelle Moore: Over time, disengaged couples have nothing in common and simply exist in proximity to each other.
44:41
Daniel Moore: And I've always felt this way about this one.
44:43
Daniel Moore: I don't understand why sometimes why people have separate checking accounts.
44:47
Daniel Moore: I know some people have spending problems and they're addicted to spending money and the other spouse has a very hard time keeping them from doing that if they're allowed on the account.
44:57
Daniel Moore: I totally understand that there's some of those dynamics in place.
45:01
Daniel Moore: Michelle, you work at the bank and I'm sure you've seen that multiple times as you've worked down there in the many, many, many years that you've been a banker.
45:10
Daniel Moore: But in all reality, if some of those issues are not in place, if you're just doing it because you're stingy and you're stubborn and you want all the control, really it's a control thing and you have to understand.
45:25
Daniel Moore: When you come together to be married, you share, you know, michelle, and I don't.
45:29
Daniel Moore: We have several accounts between the two of us and both of us are on every one of them and we both talk to each other.
45:35
Daniel Moore: You know as we spend and the things that we do and you know that's something that we carry on as a conversation in our relationship all the time and we make sure that we stay healthy with that.
45:46
Daniel Moore: So the disengaged kind of goes along with complacent to a point, but this one takes a little bit deeper, where we was talking about this, I think, last week.
45:57
Daniel Moore: You know some of the people that, like they just do vacations on their own, they do all kinds of things without their spouses and just leave them behind.
46:05
Daniel Moore: And you know there's, as we talked about.
46:07
Daniel Moore: There's some times when that's OK, but there's some times when you really probably should be proactive in your marriage and do something together.
46:14
Daniel Moore: It shouldn't be something that's completely separated all the time.
46:18
Daniel Moore: And so rate yourself on that one and see where you're at.
46:22
Daniel Moore: We've got two more here.
46:23
Daniel Moore: What's the next one?
46:25
Daniel Moore: Number 10.
46:27
Michelle Moore: Unsafe.
46:27
Michelle Moore: We live in a harsh world.
46:30
Michelle Moore: Satan, our sworn enemy, is like a lion, constantly on the prowl ready to strike.
46:36
Michelle Moore: Work is stressful, Children are a handful Friends.
46:39
Michelle Moore: Disappoint News is depressing.
46:42
Michelle Moore: Social media makes us feel jealous and like we don't measure up.
46:46
Michelle Moore: Road rage is widespread.
46:48
Michelle Moore: Sexual harassment is our country's dirty little secret.
46:52
Michelle Moore: Racial tension still exists.
46:54
Michelle Moore: Political fighting is despicable.
46:57
Michelle Moore: Terrorism is here to stay.
46:59
Michelle Moore: Internet trolls are constantly spewing hatred.
47:03
Michelle Moore: At the same time, our homes can be sanctuaries from disheartening chaos.
47:08
Michelle Moore: However, for many couples, this relationship is not a refuge.
47:13
Michelle Moore: The marriage feels tense or strained and instead of feeling relaxed, you feel like you're walking on eggshells and feel apprehensive around your spouse.
47:23
Michelle Moore: Instead of peace, anger is constantly rearing its ugly head.
47:28
Michelle Moore: Instead of acceptance, you feel relentlessly nitpicked and don't feel free to be yourself.
47:35
Michelle Moore: When you don't feel safe, over time, individuals will disconnect and hearts will eventually harden with the death blow for a marriage.
47:45
Daniel Moore: So speaking to that one just a little bit, because you've been in a situation before where you felt like you walked on eggshells and was nitpicked all the time and that kind of thing.
47:56
Daniel Moore: How does that make you feel as a spouse?
48:00
Michelle Moore: We've talked about it before you.
48:02
Michelle Moore: Just, I mean, you don't feel loved.
48:05
Michelle Moore: There's no self-worth, no self-confidence.
48:08
Michelle Moore: You literally feel like it gets to the point where everything's your fault, no matter what you do.
48:14
Michelle Moore: When is the next comment coming?
48:17
Michelle Moore: Where is it coming from?
48:18
Michelle Moore: How hateful is it going to be?
48:19
Michelle Moore: Like?
48:20
Michelle Moore: Why do you even exist?
48:22
Michelle Moore: What's the purpose of it?
48:30
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and so in a lot of ways, that's you know, it's a very unsafe way to live because blowups could happen at any moment.
48:34
Daniel Moore: You just don't know if you do something it's going to trigger, set something off, yeah, so if you're in a relationship like that, you really probably need to evaluate where you are and why you're in that situation Again, go back to the root of what you think these problems may be.
48:51
Daniel Moore: That's causing a lot of this, but, as Michelle was reading in the first part of that, we already have to deal with so much stuff in the world today, already outside of the scope of our marriage.
49:00
Daniel Moore: There's so much going on, and so, with that being the place, the home should be our place of safety.
49:05
Daniel Moore: That should be a place that we can come to and get away from all of that and have a relationship there that builds us and helps us to grow, not tears us down.
49:14
Michelle Moore: Right.
49:15
Daniel Moore: And so rate yourself on that one, one to five.
49:18
Daniel Moore: You know where you feel you are in that situation on being unsafe.
49:22
Daniel Moore: And that brings us to number 11, which is visionless.
49:24
Daniel Moore: Most dating and engaged couples dream wildly of what their life will look like together.
49:29
Daniel Moore: But then life gets busy.
49:31
Daniel Moore: Juggling a marriage, running a household, balancing careers, raising children and a thousand other challenges cause big dreams to be set aside.
49:39
Daniel Moore: Thus, you don't share a clear dream for the life you're building together.
49:43
Daniel Moore: You don't have a vision of how you will use your oneness to serve God and bless others.
49:49
Daniel Moore: And this is a big one because, as we discussed earlier in this episode here and I think it might have been last week that when we first get married, we think about those visions and those dreams that we have and eventually, down the road, all of a sudden, we forget about those visions and those dreams that we have and eventually, down the road, all of a sudden we forget about those dreams and nothing happens like we anticipated.
50:08
Daniel Moore: It all changes and with that it can be a good or a bad change, and later on we have an episode or two that we'll be doing on dreaming in your marriage and having a vision, and that's something that's very important in a relationship.
50:24
Daniel Moore: To make sure that it stays healthy is to have a good, healthy vision for your marriage.
50:28
Daniel Moore: You have to be proactive in planning and how to keep that marriage relevant, how to stay in love with each other as you go through the years.
50:36
Daniel Moore: So, with these 11 characteristics and attributes here of being a roommate, how did you rate each issue?
50:44
Daniel Moore: Where did your rating come out at?
50:46
Daniel Moore: Was there one particular issue that stood out, or was it a combination of several small struggles that left you feeling disconnected from your spouse, more like roommates than a romantic partners?
50:57
Daniel Moore: Maybe you recognized a few behaviors that are just beginning to show up and you're hoping to stop them before they take root.
51:03
Daniel Moore: Now, wherever you land out on this, self-awareness and insight are essential starting points.
51:08
Daniel Moore: Gaining clarity on where things are going off course is the first step toward reconnection.
51:15
Daniel Moore: Understanding the early signs of emotional drift is not only key to reversing the damage, but it's also crucial for protecting your relationship from falling into the roommate trap in the first place.
51:27
Daniel Moore: You know, looking back on Michelle and I's story, we can clearly identify many of the subtle roommate like behaviors that snuck into our marriage just by looking at that list.
51:37
Daniel Moore: At the time, we were both drained, juggling the stress of dealing with exes in a blended marriage, raising three young children and putting life circumstances in front of our relationship.
51:47
Daniel Moore: We were depleted and began to operate on autopilot, offering each other only what was left after everything else had taken our time and energy.
51:57
Daniel Moore: Quality time together became nearly non-existent, and when we did talk, our conversations revolved around coordinating calendars, solving problems or managing household logistics.
52:07
Daniel Moore: The emotional connection we once shared had been quietly replaced by routine and responsibility.
52:13
Daniel Moore: But the real turning point, the most damaging element, was the gentle neglect of gentle neglect.
52:19
Daniel Moore: You know, I vividly remember avoiding time alone with Michelle at times, convinced that it would either lead to another conversation about what I was thinking of or, worse yet, a pointless argument.
52:35
Daniel Moore: Instead of leaning into our marriage, I checked out.
52:36
Daniel Moore: The more I avoided emotional engagement, the more you felt alone in our marriage.
52:38
Daniel Moore: You longed for connection and my absence sent the message that you didn't matter.
52:45
Daniel Moore: Our story mirrored what so many others experienced.
52:47
Daniel Moore: The symptoms were the same ones couple often list when they explain why their marriage ended.
52:52
Daniel Moore: We were growing apart, struggling to communicate, giving each other less attention and drifting out of love, with many causes, the little foxes that we had overlooked.
53:03
Daniel Moore: Exhaustion, unresolved tension, emotional avoidance and misplaced priorities had crept in and quietly ravaged our vineyard of love.
53:12
Daniel Moore: And this is how slow fades happen.
53:15
Daniel Moore: Many marriages begin with strength and warmth.
53:17
Daniel Moore: For a while, things feel great, love is strong and connection seems easy.
53:22
Daniel Moore: Then life speeds up, stress piles on and the little foxes begin to nibble away Things like fatigue, busyness, complacency, avoidance of hard conversations, mismatched priorities and sexual disconnection.
53:36
Daniel Moore: These are rarely sudden or explosive problems.
53:39
Daniel Moore: Instead, they are persistent, quiet intrusions that weaken a marriage gradually.
53:45
Daniel Moore: The danger of behaving like roommates isn't just emotional distance.
53:49
Daniel Moore: It's the gradual loss of dealing with life together.
53:52
Daniel Moore: Couples begin silently coping with their own frustrations and struggles in isolation.
53:57
Daniel Moore: Emotional intimacy gives way to resentment or apathy.
54:01
Daniel Moore: Instead of fighting for connection, spouses begin to solve their problems separately.
54:06
Daniel Moore: They start leading parallel lives, managing the house, raising kids and existing under the same roof, but no longer relating deeply to each other in heart, spirit or even the body.
54:17
Daniel Moore: This silent drift opens the door to loneliness, which is a far greater threat to marriage than many realize.
54:23
Daniel Moore: So what was our score?
54:26
Daniel Moore: Or your score, I guess I should say.
54:28
Daniel Moore: Do I want to know?
54:30
Michelle Moore: Actually it was pretty good, it was a 14.
54:32
Daniel Moore: Really yeah, that's not too shabby.
54:35
Michelle Moore: No, and I think it could have been a 55.
54:37
Michelle Moore: I think that exhausted and busy were the two that I can just add a little bit more to, because that's for me, that's how I resemble our relationship.
54:49
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
54:50
Michelle Moore: Is there like, a like, a check Like?
54:51
Michelle Moore: If you're into this category, this is where your marriage is.
54:55
Michelle Moore: Blah, blah blah.
54:56
Michelle Moore: If you're way up here.
54:57
Michelle Moore: You need some help and pay attention to your marriage.
54:59
Daniel Moore: Basically with this one.
55:01
Daniel Moore: It's just the higher the score then, the more likely you're probably heading towards.
55:08
Daniel Moore: Being in a roommate.
55:08
Daniel Moore: Relationship is basically what this one was.
55:09
Michelle Moore: So we got 14 out of 55.
55:11
Daniel Moore: So that's not too shabby.
55:12
Daniel Moore: I don't have a whole lot.
55:14
Daniel Moore: I got to work on just a little bit.
55:16
Daniel Moore: Yeah, I'm thankful, honestly, where God has brought us, because at one point in time we probably could have been around 50, probably I don't know if we'd have ever tapped out at 55 or not, but it was probably awfully close because we had a lot of problems in our earlier relationship and where we've been, and so we know with you guys, if you come up with your score and like to share that, please do.
55:45
Daniel Moore: We've got social media.
55:46
Daniel Moore: You can email us, go to our website marriage, life and morecom.
55:49
Daniel Moore: There's ways there.
55:50
Daniel Moore: You can share it anonymously if you'd like to, but we'd like to hear from you and see where you landed on all of that.
55:56
Daniel Moore: And as we go through the series here over these next months, we're going to be covering a lot of these issues that we talked about in these 11 characteristics and we're going to tear a lot of those apart and try to see if we can fix them, maybe kind of open some eyes a little bit with some things maybe that we can share.
56:15
Daniel Moore: That'll help you more understand where you are in your relationship and how to take care of that, so is there anything that you wanted to add to this week's?
56:26
Michelle Moore: at all.
56:26
Michelle Moore: No, uh-uh.
56:26
Daniel Moore: Okay, this one, because it was 11 steps kind of went just a little bit longer, but I think we got them all covered pretty well and got everything laid out there, and so what we're going to do is just go ahead and call a wrap on this week.
56:44
Daniel Moore: We just pray that, as we went through these steps here, that over this next week before we come out with our next episode, that it gives you something to think about as we get started more deeper into this series and be a little proactive on where you need to fix things and work on things and make them better in your relationship.
57:03
Daniel Moore: So that's going to be all for this week, and next week, when we come back, we're going to be talking about let me look here we're going to be talking about the hidden cost of marital exhaustion.
57:18
Daniel Moore: That's what we're going to start on next week, and we do know that a lot of times in marriage we do get exhausted, and that was actually our first point in our 11 points that we just went through, and so we're going to tear that apart starting next week.
57:33
Daniel Moore: So hope you'll join us.
57:34
Daniel Moore: We pray that after this week that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer After this episode.
57:40
Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries and we pray that you have a blessed week.