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If Bigfoot Doesn't Exist, Why Are There Laws Against Hunting It? · Gil I Am

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: The Moment of Truth. If Bigfoot doesn't exist, why is
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: it illegal to kill him? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: The Moment of Truth. And tonight, we have got ourselves
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: a mystery. Not a mystery like, where did my paycheck go?
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: I know where that went. My wife found it. I'm
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: talking about a real mystery. I want somebody to explain
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  Speaker 1: something to me. They've been telling us for years that
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Bigfoot doesn't exist. Scientists say there's no conclusive proof. Wildlife
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: experts say nobody has produced a body. People have searched
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: forests for decades. They've got cameras. They've got drones. They've
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  Speaker 1: got thermal imaging. They've got people walking around the woods
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  Speaker 1: at 3 o'clock in the morning making Bigfoot mating calls.
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  Speaker 1: And after all that, no Bigfoot. But apparently, in at
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  Speaker 1: least one county in Washington state, there's another little piece
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  Speaker 1: of information you ought to know. Don't kill him. Wait
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: a minute. How am I supposed to kill something you
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  Speaker 1: just told me doesn't exist? That is tonight's moment of truth.
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  Speaker 1: Because in 1969, Skamania County, Washington actually passed an ordinance
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  Speaker 1: dealing with Sasquatch. And this wasn't some note somebody taped
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  Speaker 1: to a tree. This was an ordinance, government paperwork. Binkfoot
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  Speaker 1: had legislation before some people had indoor plumbing. The county
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  Speaker 1: was concerned because reports of Sasquatch were attracting investigators and
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  Speaker 1: hunters into the woods. some carrying guns. Now that part
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  Speaker 1: makes sense, because you don't want 27 fellas running through
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: a forest with rifles every time a bush moves. But
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: the ordinance specifically addressed killing Sasquatch, and I have questions.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: Because if I walk into the sheriff's office and say, Sheriff,
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  Speaker 1: I just saw Bigfoot, he's probably going to look at
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  Speaker 1: me like I've been drinking antifreeze. But if I say, Sheriff,
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: I just shot Bigfoot, now everybody gets serious. You did what? Well,
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: hold it. Five minutes ago, you didn't believe in him.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Now suddenly he's a victim? That's the fastest change in
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  Speaker 1: legal status I've ever seen. Bigfoot went from imaginary to
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  Speaker 1: endangered before the ambulance even arrived. Imagine being arrested. The
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: officer puts the handcuffs on you. You say, what am
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: I being charged with? He says, killing Bigfoot. I'd say, officer,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: before we go downtown, I would like you to say
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: that sentence again. Killing Bigfoot. Good. Because for the last
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  Speaker 1: 50 years, I've been called crazy for believing in him. Now, apparently,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to jail for killing him. You can't have
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: it both ways. If Bigfoot isn't real, I want my
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  Speaker 1: rifle back. If Bigfoot is real, I want my photograph
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  Speaker 1: on the cover of National Geographic. Because apparently, I just
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  Speaker 1: solved the greatest wildlife mystery in North America. And you
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  Speaker 1: know the courtroom would be beautiful. Judge walks in. All rise.
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  Speaker 1: Prosecutor stands up. Your Honor. Your Honor. This man is
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  Speaker 1: accused of the unlawful killing of Sasquatch. My lawyer would
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: stand up and say, Objection! Judge says, On what grounds?
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  Speaker 1: My lawyer says, Every science book we've ever read. Think
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  Speaker 1: about the evidence. The prosecutor has to prove you killed Bigfoot,
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: which means they have to produce Bigfoot. Your lawyer says,
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  Speaker 1: Your Honor, may I see Exhibit A? And they wheel
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: in an eight-foot hairy creature. Case dismissed. Not because I'm innocent.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: because I've just proven Bigfoot exists. I'm not going to jail.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: I'm going on television. I'm getting documentaries. I'm getting speaking engagements.
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  Speaker 1: I'm getting a Netflix deal. Forget the defense attorney. Get
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: me an agent. And what kind of witness testimony are
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  Speaker 1: we going to have? Prosecutor, Mr. Johnson, did you see
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  Speaker 1: the defendant shoot Bigfoot? Yes. And how do you know
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  Speaker 1: it was Bigfoot? Well, he was about eight feet tall,
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  Speaker 1: covered in hair, and smelled terrible. Your lawyer stands up.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: Your Honor, that description also fits my Uncle Leroy. You
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: cannot convict a man on that. Half the hunting camp
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: fits that description after three days. But here's where it
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: gets even better. In 1984, Skamania County amended the ordinance
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  Speaker 1: and declared Sasquatch an endangered species within the county and
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  Speaker 1: created what was called a Sasquatch Refuge. A refuge? Bigfoot
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  Speaker 1: has a sanctuary. I don't even have a reserved parking space.
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  Speaker 1: Think about how good Bigfoot has it. Bigfoot doesn't pay
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  Speaker 1: property taxes. Bigfoot doesn't pay income taxes. Bigfoot doesn't have
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  Speaker 1: car insurance. Bigfoot doesn't have a mortgage. Bigfoot doesn't get
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  Speaker 1: jury duty. Bigfoot doesn't have to remember passwords. Bigfoot has
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  Speaker 1: never spent 45 minutes on hold listening to somebody tell him,
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  Speaker 1: your call is very important to us. He lives in
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  Speaker 1: the woods, eats whatever he wants, walks around naked, and
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  Speaker 1: the government protects him. Ladies and gentlemen, Bigfoot has beaten
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  Speaker 1: the system. We've been laughing at that animal for 50 years.
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  Speaker 1: We're the fools. Bigfoot figured America out. No address. No
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  Speaker 1: social security number. No driver's license. No credit cards. No Facebook.
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  Speaker 1: No email. No spam calls. Nobody knows where he lives.
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  Speaker 1: And somehow he has legal protection. That ain't a monster.
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  Speaker 1: That's a genius. Maybe that's why we can't find him.
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  Speaker 1: Every time somebody sees him, Bigfoot looks around and says,
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  Speaker 1: Oh Lord, here come the taxpayers, and disappears back into
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  Speaker 1: the woods. And don't get me started on the photographs.
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  Speaker 1: Every Bigfoot photograph ever taken looks like it was shot
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  Speaker 1: with a potato. We can photograph a galaxy 30 million
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  Speaker 1: light years away, but Bigfoot? Apparently Bigfoot has some kind
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  Speaker 1: of supernatural power that turns every camera into a 1987 Polaroid.
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  Speaker 1: Picture of the moon? Beautiful. Picture of Saturn? Beautiful. Mars?
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  Speaker 1: We got panoramas. Bigfoot standing 40 feet away? Blurry. Bigfoot
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  Speaker 1: could walk into a television studio, sit under professional lighting,
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  Speaker 1: and somehow the photograph would still look like somebody rubbed
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  Speaker 1: Vaseline on the lens. And Bigfoot understands one important rule.
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  Speaker 1: Never stand still. Because every Bigfoot video looks exactly the same.
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  Speaker 1: Somebody whispers, oh my god, there he is. Camera starts shaking.
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  Speaker 1: Bigfoot walks behind a tree, and that's it. That's the evidence.
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  Speaker 1: $ 40 million worth of modern technology, and apparently Bigfoot's greatest
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  Speaker 1: defense is a tree. Now let's imagine Bigfoot himself knows
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  Speaker 1: about this ordinance. That changes everything. Bigfoot is walking through
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  Speaker 1: Skamania County with confidence. Other animals hear a gunshot and run.
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  Speaker 1: Bigfoot hears a gunshot and says, You better check the
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  Speaker 1: county code, sucker. He knows his rights. Hunter sees him.
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  Speaker 1: Raises the rifle. Bigfoot pulls a laminated copy of the
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  Speaker 1: ordinance out of his fur. Go ahead. Make my day.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: You think Bigfoot is scared? Bigfoot's got better legal protection
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: than you do. And somewhere there's probably a Bigfoot lawyer.
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  Speaker 1: Eight feet tall. Briefcase. Hair everywhere. Walks into court. Your Honor? Arrgh. Judge. Counselor,
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  Speaker 1: please approach the bench. Bigfoot lawyer? Arrgh. Judge. Excellent argument.
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  Speaker 1: Case dismissed. Now here's the beautiful part. The original 1969
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  Speaker 1: ordinance wasn't only worried about Bigfoot. It specifically expressed concern
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  Speaker 1: about people. Think about that. Officials realized something very practical.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Whether Bigfoot exists or not, people with guns looking for
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  Speaker 1: Bigfoot definitely exist. And that may be the smartest part
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: of this whole story. Because imagine walking through the woods
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  Speaker 1: wearing a brown fur coat. You hear, Earl, I found him.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: You better start talking fast. Don't shoot. I'm from Seattle.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Because there's a big difference between hunting something and knowing
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  Speaker 1: what you're shooting at. And maybe that's why this crazy
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Bigfoot law isn't quite as crazy as it sounds. Maybe
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: the government wasn't saying, we know Bigfoot exists. Maybe they
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: were saying, we know you exist, and some of y'all
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  Speaker 1: need rules. That's different, because everybody knows somebody who shouldn't
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: be allowed to chase imaginary creatures through the woods carrying
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  Speaker 1: a loaded rifle. Every family has that guy. If you're
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: sitting there thinking, my family doesn't have that guy, I
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  Speaker 1: have some bad news for you. You might be that guy.
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  Speaker 1: But here's tonight's moment of truth. For more than half
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  Speaker 1: a century, people have argued about Bigfoot. Believers say the
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  Speaker 1: forests are enormous and an elusive population could remain hidden.
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  Speaker 1: Skeptics say there still isn't verified physical evidence establishing Bigfoot
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  Speaker 1: as a recognized species. But somewhere between those two sides
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  Speaker 1: sits one hilarious fact. Government officials once looked at the
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  Speaker 1: possibility of a giant hairy creature roaming the Pacific Northwest
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  Speaker 1: and decided, maybe we better make a rule just in case.
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  Speaker 1: And you know what? That's probably the most American sentence
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  Speaker 1: ever written. We don't know if it exists, but we've
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  Speaker 1: already regulated it. That's beautiful. Only government can accomplish that.
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  Speaker 1: Imagine the next meeting. What about unicorns? Need a permit.
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  Speaker 1: Loch Ness Monster? Fishing license. Werewolves? Season opens November 1st. Aliens?
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  Speaker 1: Federal jurisdiction. Dragons? Depends on emissions. And somewhere in the
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  Speaker 1: woods tonight, Bigfoot is sitting beside a campfire, reading the
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  Speaker 1: county ordinance, laughing at every one of us, because Bigfoot
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  Speaker 1: may not have proven that he exists, but he managed
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  Speaker 1: to get government protection anyway. And if that big hairy
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  Speaker 1: rascal has figured out how to live tax-free, rent-free, off-grid,
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  Speaker 1: with no job, no bills, and legal protection, maybe we
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  Speaker 1: shouldn't be hunting Bigfoot. Maybe we ought to be taking
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  Speaker 1: financial advice from him. I'm Gil Guillory. This has been
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  Speaker 1: the Moment of Truth. And remember, if you're ever walking
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  Speaker 1: through the Pacific Northwest and you see an eight-foot hairy
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  Speaker 1: creature standing beside a tree, don't panic, don't shoot, and
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  Speaker 1: whatever you do, don't ask to see his driver's license.
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  Speaker 1: Because judging from his track record, Bigfoot's got a better
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  Speaker 1: lawyer than you do. Please like, subscribe, share, and comment.
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  Speaker 1: And until next time, keep looking for the truth, even
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  Speaker 1: when the truth has size 18 footprints.