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Monday Mini: Self-Silencing · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. Welcome stuff. I've never
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: told your protection by her idio.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: And we have this episode due to my constant watching
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: of social media. And you know what, it's something we
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: need to talk about because it definitely as a concern
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: for women's health and what we're speaking about on this Monday,
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: MANI is self silencing, which I've never heard of as
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: a term. I feel like I hear new things that
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: have been around for a very long time and we
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: just know of it without the term. But yeah, self silencing.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: So according to Newport Institute dot com, it is the
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: tendency to engage in compulsive caretaking, people pleasing, and not
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: expressing one's self. Most often, people self silence in order
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: to preserve a significant relationship. Oh boy, and this may
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: be another one of those for many of y'all, including
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: you any and myself, where we were like, are you
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: talking to me? Stop that type of conversation, and yeah
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: we are. Again if you're wondering why we're talking about this, well,
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: it's because women have been more socialized in practicing this
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: specific style and by the way, it's killing them essentially.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: I'm not being dramatic. I am a little dramatic sometimes
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: for sure, for sure, but this is for real, for real.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: This has been a thing for a while now, and
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: the specific conversation is several years old as in fact,
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: I think this originated in the eighties and then was
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: written out again in nineteen ninety one, and then researched
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: again in the last four years, because at first it
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: was noted as it affected one thing, and they're like, wait, oh,
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: affects this whole thing. So anyway, all of that, let's
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: get into it, all right, So this theory of self
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: silencing has been studied for a while. In fact, one researcher,
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: Dana Jack, started this in the eighties. I said nineteen
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: ninety one because I believe that's when her book was published,
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: But it started in the eighties. Here's a bit from
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: a paper published in ScienceDirect dot com and reflecting about
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: this study. It says self silencing is a rational strategy
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: employed to ward off any confrontation in the relationship and
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: to maintain intimacy and safety. Safety is being a key word.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: Women tend to silence their thoughts, feelings, and defer their
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: own needs to uphold a significant other's need. As a result,
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: there are feelings of suppressed anger, which can gradually lead
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: to expressing loss of self. And they do specifically talk
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: about anger, I think because women oftentimes repress that suppress
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: that I guess more than any other feelings, because you know,
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: we can be a little bit crying all these things.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: But anger is not typically known for women unless you're
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: a black woman. And that's a connotation which is supposed
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: to be a negative because you know, racism. Anyway, back
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: to Dana Jack, the one who has been researching this
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: phenomenon since the eighties, is credited with identifying this specific
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: pattern in women. And though it was originally in the
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: context of declining mental health and eating disorders, the last
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: few years they have switched that up and showing that, oh,
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: this actually affects physical health in women as well, and
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: it does very deeply. From a Time dot com article
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  Speaker 2: written by Mattel Eyall, and I believe she is also
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: a psychologist, she writes, women's self silencing has also been
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: linked to higher risk of premature death. In one study,
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  Speaker 2: researchers followed nearly four thousand people in Framingham, Massachusetts over
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: ten years. They found that women who didn't express themselves
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: when they had fights with their spouses were four times
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: more likely to die than those who did. This was
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: true even when factors such as age, blood pressure, smoking,
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: and levels of cholesterol were taken into account. So even
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: with all of those things, if you are trying to
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: hold back your anger because it wasn't ladylike of you
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: could kill you in death. This causes death. That out
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: the one more time. Okay, I feel like here we
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: could insert again the whole chill, cool partner, vibe girlfriend
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: wife narrative. You know, she doesn't have any emotions. He's
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: just so cool and an easygoing type of person. And
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: we know that is something that is elevated especially in
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: I don't know, tradwife culture. Yeah, with that out there,
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  Speaker 2: the one where we expect women to be non reactive,
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: have no problems, not to be too emotional. Yeah. So
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  Speaker 2: again from that time article, they write, when women push
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: their feelings down and cast their needs aside, their health suffers.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: But it can be difficult for women to do otherwise
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: in a culture that celebrates these self silencing practices. While
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  Speaker 2: young women are praised for being chill, moms are revered
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: for being painstakingly all struistic to the point of self obligation.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: These unspoken standards establish a vicious cycle. For many women,
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: it feels easier beneficial even to silence their knees at
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  Speaker 2: the expense of their own health, rather than swim against
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: the prevailing cultural current. This was written in twenty twenty
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  Speaker 2: three when we were like, oh, things are going bad,
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  Speaker 2: and now at twenty twenty five, Yeah, I think I'm
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: hoping that at this point more of us are coming
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: out into like, no, I'm angry and I'm gonna yell
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  Speaker 2: at you. That's where we need to be. I love
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: the season of the clapback. Let's go so From the
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: Newport Institute dot com article, they write, as much as
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: parents try to raise children without gender bias, girls are
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: still brought up to be more sensitive to the knees, desire,
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: and expectation of others. As they grow, their kindness can
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: involve into avoidance of conflict. To maintain relationships, young women
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: may adopt a cool girl facade, trying to be someone
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: who rolls with the punches and is reliably chill. Mothers
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: may put their knees on the back burner to the
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: point of exhaustion. Self silencing can be common among women
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: who suffer from perfectionism or echoismo. Long enough silence for
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: everybody to hear that last part. Yeah, okay, so again perfectionism,
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: the perfect mom, the perfect wife that could be, all
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: the things to have it all, a type of person
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: being the perfect daughter, being the perfect employee. So many
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: things to add to this, And which is like if
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: you are quiet, the one who doesn't cause a stir,
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: that's in the corner, that just gets their work done.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: Not so healthy, y'all. Not so healthy. Maybe this is
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: why the loud, obnoxious people are living longer, Maybe because
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: they're not being stifled and everybody just excuses them. And again,
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: as a reminder to add to that, self silencing is
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: killing you. So from ortho Atlanta dot com, which by
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: the way, is a part of the Piedmont Healthcare is Atlanta.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: So this came from one of our hospitals here, they say,
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: in a study of women aged forty to sixty, those
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: who suffered from self silencing had an increased risk of
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: having plaque in their carotid arteries. That additional plaque could
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: potentially lead to heart attack, stroke, and other cardiovascular trouble.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: The researchers note, we're gonna die of heart attacks, which
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: by the way, is not really easily detected in women
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: and hadn't been actually looked at because the symptoms are
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: different for women than men until recently. So many factors
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: feel as they are doing this on purpose, trying to
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: kill this. Yes, moving on back to that Newport article,
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: they write, self silencing has even been linked to the
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: higher risk of premature death among women, and one study
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: researchers followed four hundred and ninety three men and fifteen
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: hundred and one women married or in a domestic party
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: over ten years. Women who reported that they always or
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: usually stayed quiet in the face of conflict had the
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: highest risk of premature death compared to women who didn't
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: report self silencing. This was true even when age, blood pressure, smoking,
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: and cholesterol levels were taken into account. Once again, and
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: if you needed a little check off list, here you go.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: Newport gave us ten signs you may be self silencing.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: You ready, This is from their site directly being influenced
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  Speaker 2: by others opinions more than your own, feeling responsible for
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  Speaker 2: other people's feelings, not knowing how you feel because you're
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: so focused on how others feel, not speaking up in
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: intimate relationships, for fear of inciting conflict, finding it hard
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: to be yourself in a close relationship, looking happy on
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: the surface but feeling angry and agitated inside, consistently putting
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: others needs before your own, fear of ever appearing selfish,
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  Speaker 2: feeling that your partner doesn't know your true self, and
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: never measuring up to the standards you set up for yourself.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Did you check that at any of those boxes?
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: Question?
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: Moving on, so what do we do about the situation?
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: What can we do? So? From that Times dot Com article,
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: they say, rather than women treating our emotions as inconvenient
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: bodily malfunctions are best to be muted and ignored, we
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: can teach ourselves to view them as windows of insight
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: instead of casting away our anger a valuable question, Or
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: we can ask ourselves in moments of frustration, is what
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  Speaker 2: am I needing right now? We love a good reflection
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  Speaker 2: and The Newport Institute also talks about the following things
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: increase your self awareness. They say, you can't begin to
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: change your behavior unless you're aware of it in a
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  Speaker 2: journal or with a counselor friends. Ask yourself some basic questions.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: When did I again self silencing and why? Or any
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: of those things that you checked off. When did I
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: start doing these things? Why do I continue to self silence?
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  Speaker 2: What's my greatest fear if I express myself? And what
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: do I get out of self silencing? Death? Death? Was death? Anyway,
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  Speaker 2: So the next time you feel like you can't talk
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: about these things, maybe you step back and see why
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: put down the nose of what you're doing at this
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  Speaker 2: point and why you're having to hold back. They also
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: say a few of these other things that you can
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  Speaker 2: do and you should do. Prioritize your needs, set boundaries,
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: don't be afraid to disappoint people. And that's the one
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: I have struggles with. Know your worth, get help you know,
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  Speaker 2: that's that part of like, you know, if we can
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: do it, if you can't, re understand. So I tried
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  Speaker 2: these other things that we have mentioned. There's a lot
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: to remember, especially in this time where everything makes me angry,
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: especially if you're a marginalized person. Everything makes me angry.
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  Speaker 2: So we have to come together and realize self silencing
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  Speaker 2: trying to navigate into just quiet, which, by the way,
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  Speaker 2: I think that could be also gray rocking, which I'm
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: interested in having a conversation about. In the relationship. I
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: feel like these battles are so hard and these way
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  Speaker 2: of us trying to survive is not helping us to survive.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: M Well, I know a lot of listeners. I'm sure
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: that you can relate. It is something I do think
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: a lot of us have come through and experienced. So
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: if you would like to contact us about it, or
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: if you have any tips or resources about it, please
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: let us know. You can email us at Hello at
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: step on every tour com You can find us on
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Blue Sky at moms Up podcast, or on Instagram and
• 12:04
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• 12:08
  Speaker 1: We have some merch at Cotton Bureau you can check
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: that out. And we have a book you can get
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: wherever you get your books. Thanks as always to our
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: super producer Christina or executive producer and your contributor Joey.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Thank you and thanks to you for listening Stuff Never
• 12:21
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• 12:23
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