Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E24 - When Encouragement Backfires: Reflecting Feelings and Building Esteem in Sensitive Kids

Transcript

S2E24 - When Encouragement Backfires: Reflecting Feelings and Building Esteem in Sensitive Kids · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
• 0:03
  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
• 0:11
  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
• 0:14
  you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
• 0:17
  and your relationship with your kids.
• 0:20
  In today's episode, I am answering a question from Nell in Ireland
• 0:24
  and Nell has three children
• 0:27
  and the question is about using encouragement and esteem building techniques
• 0:33
  specifically with a really sensitive child that doesn't seem to respond very well
• 0:38
  in heated moments.
• 0:40
  So I will read parts of her email and then I'll share some thoughts with you.
• 0:44
  I have a question regarding the use of encouragement and esteem building
• 0:47
  techniques which I've been trying to utilize more with my boys.
• 0:50
  I can certainly see benefits and positive examples of how
• 0:53
  they're helping my three and five year olds build their confidence
• 0:56
  and agency around things they do.
• 0:58
  My eldest is a different child who
• 1:00
  is extremely sensitively wired and self critical.
• 1:03
  I noticed some positive responses from him when he's in a calm mood
• 1:07
  and I use the encouragement techniques to acknowledge
• 1:09
  his effort when something has gone well,
• 1:12
  for example, you figured it out, you knew what to do. You played your very best
• 1:16
  However,
• 1:17
  in moments of challenge or when I'm trying to encourage him to solve a problem he is
• 1:21
  having in the moment I find it a
• 1:23
  lot harder to connect with him through encouragement.
• 1:25
  He usually gets super frustrated, annoyed or angered by my efforts at.
• 1:29
  You'll figure it out. You can do this. You keep trying till you get there
• 1:33
  and there are times
• 1:35
  I feel he's right and the words I'm using are almost condescending.
• 1:39
  He's a very bright boy and very intuitive and it feels like he just wants me to shut up,
• 1:43
  which he tells me in no
• 1:45
  uncertain terms by shouting, pushing or hitting me in exasperation.
• 1:49
  And honestly, I kind of get his exasperation.
• 1:52
  Perhaps I'm using the encouragement in the wrong moments.
• 1:55
  And if he is already frustrated with trying to resolve a problem,
• 1:58
  then I should just reflect the feelings first and then try encouragement.
• 2:02
  But I sense that even reflecting, feeling in these moments annoys him more.
• 2:06
  Do you have any advice or can you elaborate more on the encouragement
• 2:09
  techniques when using them with a highly sensitive or deeply feeling child,
• 2:12
  please?
• 2:14
  Ok.
• 2:15
  So really helpful question. Now, thank you so much.
• 2:18
  And
• 2:19
  let's
• 2:20
  start with one
• 2:22
  main takeaway.
• 2:24
  One of the most important things that we do when we use any skills with our kids
• 2:29
  is make sure that our tone of voice and our facial expression
• 2:33
  are congruent
• 2:35
  with what the child's going through in that moment.
• 2:38
  We have to ensure
• 2:40
  that our nonverbals, which is body language, tone of voice and facial expression
• 2:46
  are congruent
• 2:48
  with where the child is.
• 2:51
  So, while esteem building and encouragement is meant to be
• 2:55
  encouraging an esteem building.
• 2:57
  And we usually try to say it with some positivity in our voice, you can do it,
• 3:03
  you'll figure it out
• 3:06
  that is incongruent with where the child is in the moments that you're describing,
• 3:11
  which is defeated and frustrated and irritated and angry and all of those things.
• 3:17
  So
• 3:18
  I suspect
• 3:20
  that why he is so frustrated
• 3:24
  is it seems incongruent
• 3:26
  and kids do not
• 3:29
  receive that well,
• 3:31
  so we'll dive into a lot more thoughts,
• 3:34
  the path to calm, confident and in control. Parenting starts now.
• 3:44
  All right. So
• 3:45
  you actually kind of solved the problem for yourself now because you said
• 3:50
  perhaps I'm using it in the wrong moments and if
• 3:53
  he's already frustrated with trying to resolve a problem,
• 3:55
  then I should just reflect the feelings first and then try encouragement.
• 3:59
  So yes, that's exactly what you should be doing.
• 4:02
  And here's why we do that
• 4:05
  because if we reflect first,
• 4:09
  the child feels validated. If we reflect first, the child feels understood
• 4:15
  and
• 4:16
  the child
• 4:17
  gets the congruence from us
• 4:20
  that they need. In other words,
• 4:23
  when the child is feeling irritated that they haven't gotten it yet,
• 4:29
  if we're going to be congruent and match tone of voice and facial expression,
• 4:33
  it would be harder to do that with an encouragement phrase.
• 4:36
  But it would be very easy to do that with a reflection of feeling.
• 4:40
  Oh, you're so disappointed. It hasn't worked.
• 4:44
  Hear how now all of a sudden our tone
• 4:46
  of voice and our facial expression can be very easily
• 4:49
  matched to the child's despair or defeat or frustration
• 4:53
  or intolerance or whatever it is that's going on,
• 4:55
  that's negative.
• 4:57
  So, if the first thing the child hears is a validating reflection of feeling,
• 5:02
  oh, you're so irritated, it hasn't worked.
• 5:05
  You're disappointed. You haven't gotten that yet.
• 5:09
  You're angry that hasn't
• 5:11
  been solved,
• 5:12
  whatever is going on.
• 5:14
  We start there.
• 5:16
  The child feels heard, validated, understood.
• 5:19
  There's congruence in our nonverbals,
• 5:22
  then we transition to the encouragement phrase,
• 5:25
  but you can figure it out,
• 5:27
  but you'll get it,
• 5:30
  you know how to solve problems.
• 5:32
  But if we lead with that, you can do it.
• 5:36
  That feels like a lie to a child because their
• 5:39
  experience and their reality is I can't do it.
• 5:43
  So you telling me that I can do it?
• 5:45
  I'm proving to you right now in my struggle that I can't.
• 5:49
  So why are you saying that I can do it when you can see that I clearly can't do it.
• 5:54
  There's
• 5:55
  built in innate irritation in that
• 5:58
  because it doesn't feel true and it doesn't feel congruent.
• 6:02
  So if we reflect the feeling first,
• 6:04
  that changes everything because there's connection
• 6:08
  and there's relationship preservation in that.
• 6:11
  Ok. So
• 6:13
  I want to take a little bit of a side turn here, Nell because
• 6:16
  you mentioned that when he gets annoyed
• 6:19
  and wants you to be quiet, he will sometimes shout, push or hit you, ok? So
• 6:23
  not that this needs to be stated, but it needs to be stated.
• 6:26
  So just for clarification's sake,
• 6:28
  that absolutely warrants a limit immediately.
• 6:32
  So you are going to set a limit on that behavior and how do we set limits?
• 6:37
  We start with reflecting feelings.
• 6:39
  So your go to in these scenarios with this
• 6:41
  child is going to be always reflect the feeling,
• 6:45
  but
• 6:45
  it also needs to be a limit set in that scenario.
• 6:50
  So
• 6:51
  you're really frustrated that you haven't figured that out yet,
• 6:55
  but I'm not for pushing.
• 6:59
  Ok. So that is going to be an immediate,
• 7:02
  you're angry that I thought that you could do it and you don't think you can,
• 7:06
  but I'm not for hitting.
• 7:09
  Ok. So really clear when behavior has already taken place,
• 7:14
  we set a limit,
• 7:16
  but we lead with a feeling, reflection.
• 7:18
  Ok? So I just that was kind of a bonus freebie, but I wanted to throw that in.
• 7:22
  All right. And then
• 7:24
  here's what is
• 7:26
  important about this
• 7:29
  when a child
• 7:31
  does not
• 7:32
  have
• 7:33
  confidence when a child does not feel competent
• 7:36
  when a child is struggling with identity or self esteem
• 7:40
  or
• 7:42
  any of the self. So we have self worth, self value,
• 7:46
  self
• 7:48
  control, self-regulation when, when self is being worked on.
• 7:52
  But specifically, in terms of esteem
• 7:55
  and confidence
• 7:57
  and identity,
• 7:58
  those types of things,
• 8:00
  kids don't feel equipped,
• 8:03
  their self esteem is low.
• 8:05
  So therefore their perception of their competence is also low.
• 8:11
  So here's why we don't stop encouraging an esteem building
• 8:15
  even when a child doesn't react appropriately to it,
• 8:17
  even when they get annoyed with us, even when they don't like it.
• 8:21
  Here's why we continue
• 8:23
  because
• 8:24
  when we
• 8:26
  give children esteem building responses,
• 8:31
  it communicates to them that we believe they are capable,
• 8:37
  even though they don't see, that's a very clear distinction
• 8:41
  just because you don't think you're capable of this just because you
• 8:44
  don't believe in yourself just because you feel inadequate right now,
• 8:49
  I believe and think and feel the opposite.
• 8:53
  So when we esteem build,
• 8:56
  it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy
• 9:00
  wherein
• 9:01
  someone continually tells me that I'm capable, someone continually tells me
• 9:06
  that I can do this. Someone continual continually tells me
• 9:10
  that
• 9:11
  I am capable of figuring this out
• 9:15
  or accomplishing this or solving this problem or whatever
• 9:18
  self fulfilling prophecy is
• 9:21
  I become what others think about me.
• 9:25
  Ok? And then finally,
• 9:27
  when we continue to esteem build, even when kids don't like it,
• 9:32
  it's part of the looking glass self concept,
• 9:35
  which is
• 9:36
  other people reflect back to
• 9:39
  others
• 9:41
  who they are.
• 9:43
  So it's essentially like holding up a looking glass old time, word for a mirror,
• 9:48
  handheld mirror, right?
• 9:50
  So
• 9:51
  child is interacting with other people in the world
• 9:55
  and they're putting parts of themselves out into
• 9:57
  the world and people are reflecting that back.
• 10:01
  You're smart,
• 10:02
  you're musical,
• 10:03
  you're artistic,
• 10:05
  you're athletic. You're funny
• 10:09
  when
• 10:10
  we receive those messages
• 10:12
  that forms our self
• 10:14
  concept.
• 10:15
  If every time we're out doing something, people tell us how athletic we are,
• 10:20
  our self concept becomes. I'm athletic
• 10:23
  because everyone has reflected that back to us. So similarly,
• 10:27
  the reflections of you're capable,
• 10:30
  you can handle this, you can problem solve. You will figure this out.
• 10:36
  All of those become part of a self-concept
• 10:39
  even when the child disagrees early on because they don't believe those
• 10:43
  things about themselves because they haven't
• 10:45
  formed an accurate self-concept yet.
• 10:49
  So
• 10:50
  when we esteem build,
• 10:52
  it is so that children actually increase their esteem
• 10:57
  through self fulfilling prophecy
• 10:59
  by the looking glass self concept.
• 11:01
  So all of those are related,
• 11:02
  I think that's really helpful for you now to keep those things in mind,
• 11:06
  even when your child is not receiving it
• 11:08
  appropriately.
• 11:10
  And then here's
• 11:12
  another thought,
• 11:14
  keep in mind that as your child's self esteem increases,
• 11:20
  his frustration tolerance will also increase.
• 11:26
  And as his frustration tolerance increases,
• 11:30
  he will
• 11:31
  not feel so disconnected
• 11:34
  to your esteem, building responses.
• 11:39
  So this is a process
• 11:41
  where he continues to build self esteem, you continue to esteem, build
• 11:47
  and it naturally sorts itself out. Many kids even in the playroom
• 11:52
  argue and disagree.
• 11:54
  When we use these phrases early on,
• 11:58
  you'll get it. No, I won't.
• 12:01
  Oh, you don't think that you can get it but you can get it.
• 12:06
  And over time
• 12:07
  their frustration tolerance increases as their self esteem increases.
• 12:12
  So then even when they're frustrated and they don't think they can do it,
• 12:16
  they will at least receive it
• 12:18
  because
• 12:19
  it's a possibility for them at that point
• 12:22
  and keep in mind they will get less angry
• 12:25
  and less reactive as well.
• 12:27
  So even if they still don't feel like they can do it,
• 12:30
  they won't be so reactive and angry when someone says that they can.
• 12:34
  So that's all part of the process as well.
• 12:37
  So I hope that you find that helpful. Now, I hope all of you find that helpful.
• 12:40
  When you're using a steam building and encouragement, it is really important
• 12:44
  to make sure that we are congruent
• 12:48
  that we lead with feeling reflection
• 12:50
  and we know that it is a process and it naturally
• 12:53
  gets better even if there's resistance at the early stages.
• 12:56
  So if you would like to reach out to me and ask a question, I'd love to hear from you,
• 13:00
  brenna@thekidcounselor.com,
• 13:02
  you can also call the
• 13:04
  voicemail number and leave a message there for me.
• 13:06
  813-812-5525. If you're in the States,
• 13:11
  so grateful for each and every one of you. Thanks for spending time with me each week.
• 13:14
  Thanks for pouring into your kids and your relationship within your family unit.
• 13:18
  It's the most important work that you can do so. I'm super grateful for you.
• 13:21
  We'll talk again soon. Bye.
• 13:23
  Thank you for listening
• 13:24
  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
• 13:28
  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
• 13:31
  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.