Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #4: The Art of Communicating with your Adult Child

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#4: The Art of Communicating with your Adult Child · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

0:00
SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
0:13
SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, an author, educated, and co-parenting helpful, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm Shari Jonas, and you're listening to Launch.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: In this episode, I'm going to be talking to you about what I believe is the most important skill every parent needs.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: It's the key to completely transforming your relationship with your adult child.
1:08
SPEAKER_00: Get ready because I'm diving deep into one of my favorite topics: mastering the art of communicating.
1:17
SPEAKER_00: I'll be giving you fresh insights, actionable steps, and practical advice to help you break down walls, build up trust, and create a more meaningful, authentic relationship with your adult child.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: First, I'll be sharing with you why it is so hard, because we all struggle with it.
1:36
SPEAKER_00: And then I'm going to give you a slew of effective communication techniques.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: Let me begin by asking you this question.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: Do you ever wonder why communicating with our adult children can feel so uncomfortable at times?
1:54
SPEAKER_00: We're either walking around on eggshells or testing the waters, trying to figure out what mood they're in before we even approach them.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: The paradox here is that for many of us, all day long we have conversations with other people where we feel more relaxed or more respected than we do with our own kids.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: Why is it that when we're in the presence of our own flesh and blood, we can feel so awkward?
2:25
SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, sorry.
2:27
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, quick question, and then I'll be out of your way.
2:31
SPEAKER_00: What are you doing today?
2:33
SPEAKER_00: I mean, what is that all about?
2:35
SPEAKER_00: Why do we tiptoe around them with trepidation and fear?
2:39
SPEAKER_00: Fear of being rejected by them or worse, dismissed.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: That shit's gotta end.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: Communicating with your own kid should not just be easy, it should actually be enjoyable.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: If you've ever experienced this or felt this way around your own kid, you are not alone.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: We have all been there.
3:01
SPEAKER_00: And that's why I'm going to suggest things that you can do starting today.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: But I need to say this almost as a precursor to this topic.
3:11
SPEAKER_00: I can tell you with absolute certainty that we as a society are not communicating well.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: It feels like almost everyone is either talking over one another or just not listening.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: And the way we communicate is just ridiculous.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: The old-fashioned one-on-one conversations, face-to-face dialogue, they're no longer the norm.
3:36
SPEAKER_00: So, how can we expect our young adults to know these skills if they barely practice them?
3:44
SPEAKER_00: We need to learn how to communicate with our adult children so that we can teach them how to become good communicators who are comfortable with expressing, exchanging, relating, and listening to other people.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: We need to do this because strong communication skills are the cornerstone of every healthy relationship.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: But as parents, the reason why it is so important to develop open and honest communication is because it is truly foundational to our relationship with them.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: It's how we build trust and respect for one another.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: And once you have that, your adult child will feel understood, validated, and most importantly, unconditionally loved by you.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: If they don't feel that from you, well then the opposite becomes the case, where they feel misunderstood, rejected, and unloved.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: So why is it so hard?
4:47
SPEAKER_00: Why do we struggle so much with them?
4:50
SPEAKER_00: Well, here's what I think.
4:51
SPEAKER_00: First, it has to do with how we were raised.
4:55
SPEAKER_00: Communication styles are definitely learned from family.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: They are not inherent in one's DNA.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: It's actually generational.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: Let's consider two extremes from which you may have developed your communication style.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: One, your parents were rug stuffers.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: That's what I call it.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: No talking, not dealing head-on with issues, just good old fashioned, ignoring problems, and hoping they will go away.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: The thinking here is that if no one talks about it, it'll just disappear.
5:29
SPEAKER_00: Or two, here's the opposite.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: Communicating in your family meant yelling and screaming, and nothing except for slamming doors, throwing insults, and being completely misunderstood was all that was ever accomplished.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I don't know which style is worse.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: I just know they're both pretty bad.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: If you were lucky enough to have one or more parents that were great at communication, then you will have a leg up.
5:59
SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't in any way guarantee it.
6:02
SPEAKER_00: Because, first of all, times have changed.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: Kids today have a very different way of communicating.
6:09
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever called your kid?
6:11
SPEAKER_00: They don't pick up, but then they text you back with a what?
6:17
SPEAKER_00: My kids did that to me once and never again.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I digress.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: Regardless of how you were raised, which style of communicating, be better.
6:28
SPEAKER_00: Regardless of what your parents did wrong, do better.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: And let me say this: it's okay if your parents were bad communicators.
6:38
SPEAKER_00: I see negative childhood experiences as an opportunity for us to learn how not to be as parents.
6:47
SPEAKER_00: Let me share a personal story with you about my mother.
6:51
SPEAKER_00: She was such a shitty communicator, the absolute worst.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: And here's why.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: And by the way, the more you listen to me, the more you'll know that I always examine the why.
7:03
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, my mother came from a home with a narcissistic, domineering, fear-inducing beast of a father who made everyone in their family shit their pants when he was upset.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: He had a reputation, both inside and outside of the home, I mean in the community, even, of having this uncontrollable, vile temper.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: My mother grew up in that environment, having no voice and no opinion that she could express.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: She lived in fear of speaking.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: So, as an adult and a parent, she couldn't express herself.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: So, this is how our conversations, or sorry, rather, our arguments would go.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: She would get upset with me.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: I would try to explain myself, and all she would ever say to me is, watch your tone.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: My retort was always, just listen to what I'm saying, Ma.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: But she couldn't.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: She couldn't hear me and she couldn't talk with me.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: She just became unhinged.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: And every single time she'd end our horrific attempts at communicating with, are you ready?
8:14
SPEAKER_00: An open-handed slap across my face.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes two.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: And all I ever wanted was for her to hear my words and understand me.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: But for most of my childhood, that never happened.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: It took me well into my adult years to learn how to communicate with her.
8:37
SPEAKER_00: And it was I who learned how.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: I needed to calm down so she could calm down.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: I needed to reframe every conversation so that she didn't feel undermined or overwhelmed.
8:52
SPEAKER_00: I learned not only how to communicate with my mother, but how important it was for me to learn how to develop really good communication skills with my adult children.
9:04
SPEAKER_00: Now I tell you this story because I want you to know that if I can overcome this really deplorable communication style with my parent and become an engaged, respectful, and open-minded communicator, that you can too.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: You can do better.
9:23
SPEAKER_00: And if you aren't right now, you will know how and what to do by the time this episode is done.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: So put your childhood experiences aside and learn how to master the art of communicating with your adult children so that you both can have enjoyable and positive conversations.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: And trust me, it gets better and better over time.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: Now there's a second reason why we struggle so much with communicating, and this is not as obvious as blaming it on our childhood experiences.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: It's because it is the one relationship with our children, that is, in our lives that changes so drastically over time.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: Just think about it.
10:10
SPEAKER_00: How do you communicate with your friends, with your coworkers, with your partner?
10:14
SPEAKER_00: It starts out in some particular appropriate style.
10:17
SPEAKER_00: It might deepen over the years, but it remains relatively constant.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: I mean, if it begins to worsen, then you have a problem.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: But with your adult children, it actually completely changes over time.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: At first, we don't even use language when we communicate with them.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: We coo, we babble, we imitate, we baby talk, and then as they grow up, our communication style slowly starts to change and we adapt.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: We become instructional, we're advising, we're negotiating, we're teaching, we're in charge of them, and they basically have to listen.
10:57
SPEAKER_00: Eventually, as they mature, they develop their own opinions, personality, mindset, and they become fully capable of making their own decisions.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: And so, because of those changes, we must learn to listen to them, to be fully attentive, to exchange ideas and opinions, and to understand one another.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: The dynamic between us has changed and we have to adapt.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: There will be many times where we just can't say whatever we want to say to them.
11:33
SPEAKER_00: We are now communicating with another adult, and even though they are still our child, we have to learn how to converse differently.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: And that just doesn't happen overnight.
11:45
SPEAKER_00: As parents, we need to figure out these new ways of communicating with them.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: And although we might both be adults, we have been adults for longer.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: So for the communication style to change, to grow, and to develop in the healthiest way, we must change first.
12:06
SPEAKER_00: If we don't, and instead we keep communicating with our adult children the same way we did throughout all of their younger years, we're just going to push them away.
12:16
SPEAKER_00: When they become adults, the world begins to treat them differently.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: So we should too.
12:23
SPEAKER_00: Unless you enjoy walking around on eggshells, afraid to ask a question or bring up a topic because their reaction can be so jarring, so disrespectful, so hurtful, or maybe you're fine with them responding to you in syllables instead of sentences, which is really so dismissive.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: Please don't tell me that you've accepted the fact that they never confide in you, except of course when it's too late and they're in crisis.
12:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm here to tell you that all of that can change.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: Your communication style can change, but you must be willing to be the catalyst of change, sort of like what Gandhi said: be the change you want to see in the world.
13:05
SPEAKER_00: In this case, it's develop the communication styles that you want to have with your adult child.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: So, how do we accomplish this?
13:14
SPEAKER_00: Where does one start when it seems as though we've tried everything?
13:18
SPEAKER_00: Well, the answer to that question is simply start from scratch.
13:23
SPEAKER_00: You're going to have to do a complete reset on how you speak to one another.
13:29
SPEAKER_00: And since this is all about effective communication, you're going to have to have a discussion with them first.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: How ironic is that?
13:36
SPEAKER_00: You have to have a conversation about improving your conversations, or in this case, your communication.
13:43
SPEAKER_00: That's definitely hard.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: It's like saying, let's talk about the fact that we don't talk.
13:48
SPEAKER_00: It is possible.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: It's just going to be a little bit uncomfortable, but the end result is so much more enjoyable.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm a mother of two.
13:57
SPEAKER_00: My son is 30 years old, my daughter's 24, and we can talk for hours.
14:03
SPEAKER_00: My son, much better face to face.
14:06
SPEAKER_00: My daughter, she's good with anything.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: We've had our issues, but with open and honest communication and conversation, we work through everything.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: So if you're ready for change, let me walk you through this process of how to press the reset button between you and your adult child.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: I have a 10-step approach that will ease you into starting the conversation regarding how you can improve your communication style with them.
14:35
SPEAKER_00: Okay, first is the obvious.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: You have got to choose the right time and place before you initiate this conversation, and make sure they are not tired or preoccupied.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: You both have to feel at ease, which means having the conversation in a quiet, comfortable setting, like a restaurant or a cafe.
14:58
SPEAKER_00: Personally, I've had the best talks with my kids, even the difficult ones, over a meal, driving in the car, or going on a walk.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: Two, begin by stating the purpose of the conversation.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: It could go like this I want to talk to you about something that's important to me.
15:16
SPEAKER_00: It's our communication style.
15:18
SPEAKER_00: I value our relationship and I want to make it better.
15:22
SPEAKER_00: Starting this conversation off by saying, we don't talk enough, you never tell me anything, just sets a negative tone and it gets their guard up.
15:30
SPEAKER_00: So avoid that approach.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: Third, acknowledge any past or recent difficulties.
15:38
SPEAKER_00: You might say, I know that we've had some challenges in the past or that we don't have the best communication style.
15:44
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it feels like we're just not on the same page, and I want to change that.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: Fourth, take responsibility.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: Now don't push back here.
15:54
SPEAKER_00: Hear me out.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: They might have been rude, disrespectful, or perhaps have shut you out.
16:01
SPEAKER_00: I still want you to say, as your parent, I realize it's my responsibility to make the first move towards improving our relationship.
16:11
SPEAKER_00: I want to listen more and understand you better.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: Five, express your feelings and desires like this.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: I really feel or hope that we could have a much stronger and more supportive relationship if we could just communicate better.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: I want us to be able to talk openly and honestly with one another.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: Six, you ask them to share their opinion now.
16:36
SPEAKER_00: So, how do you feel about our current communication?
16:40
SPEAKER_00: What do you think we can do to improve it?
16:42
SPEAKER_00: And hear them out.
16:44
SPEAKER_00: Let them speak freely.
16:45
SPEAKER_00: This is called active listening.
16:47
SPEAKER_00: And although many people don't do it, you need to, especially with your child, even if it's a little unpleasant.
16:55
SPEAKER_00: Number seven, emphasize your willingness to listen better.
17:00
SPEAKER_00: And after that last comment, you're showing them that you mean it.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: So you might say, I promise that I will do my best to listen to you without interrupting, getting defensive, or being rude.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: Your thoughts and feelings are really important to me.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: Number eight, ask for feedback.
17:19
SPEAKER_00: What can I do differently to help improve our communication?
17:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm open to any suggestions you have.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: Nine, ask them for what you need by using I statements.
17:32
SPEAKER_00: For example, I feel much closer to you when you share more with me about what's going on in your life.
17:39
SPEAKER_00: And I will work on not being judgmental.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate that when I text you, I hear back from you in a timely manner.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: Now, parents, you can't abuse that.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: If they respond to your text, don't start mad texting them.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: They don't always like that.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: Just do what you ask them to do.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: If they text them and they text you back, great.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: Number 10, summarize what these new communication practices are going to look like so it's clear to both of you, and then agree that you will both work on them.
18:13
SPEAKER_00: And that's how you press the reset button.
18:16
SPEAKER_00: Now, when the conversation is over, please acknowledge the effort that was made and say thank you.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to improve our communication.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: Let's keep working on this together.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: And if either of us feel that we are going backwards, let's talk about it.
18:33
SPEAKER_00: And then hug them if you can.
18:36
SPEAKER_00: The other day I asked my daughter to give me three words that best describe why she enjoys communicating with me.
18:43
SPEAKER_00: Because, like I said, we do this all the time.
18:46
SPEAKER_00: We talk deeply about many topics.
18:48
SPEAKER_00: Of course, we have light banter, but quite regularly we have very serious conversations.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: But it wasn't always like that.
18:55
SPEAKER_00: There was a period in her life when she shut down and kept me at an emotional distance because she was going through something.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: So she went to a therapist and worked it out.
19:07
SPEAKER_00: During that time, I was still very present in her life, just sort of patiently waiting for her to work through this process, which she did.
19:15
SPEAKER_00: And now we were better than ever.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: But keep in mind that I had to come to the same realizations that I spoke about here.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: I had to make adjustments in how I communicated with her because she became an adult and I needed to respect her and treat her as such.
19:34
SPEAKER_00: By the way, if you're wondering what were the three words that my daughter said to me, which best describe why she enjoys communicating with me, they are one, listening to her, two, validating her, and three, guiding her without telling her what she needs to do.
19:52
SPEAKER_00: But there is so much more to say about this.
19:54
SPEAKER_00: So, as promised, I'm going to list five actionable steps that you can take to master the art of communicating with your adult child and create a more meaningful, enjoyable relationship.
20:09
SPEAKER_00: One, practice active listening.
20:12
SPEAKER_00: I mentioned it before, but I'll explain it more now.
20:15
SPEAKER_00: This is something we should do in every conversation we have with everybody.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: What it means is really, really listening.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: Giving your adult child, or your child at whatever age, really, but giving your child your undivided attention and acknowledging what they are saying.
20:35
SPEAKER_00: You can always ask for clarification, but you must refrain from inserting opinion here.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: It is all about listening.
20:45
SPEAKER_00: Number two, be empathetic, meaning put yourself in their shoes, see what they are going through.
20:53
SPEAKER_00: If it helps, try to remember a time where you were going through something similar.
20:58
SPEAKER_00: You can share it with them, but this is more about you relating to how they are feeling so you can understand what they are experiencing.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: Showing empathy validates not only their emotional state at the time, but what they are currently going through.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: Number three, respect them and their boundaries.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: Talk to your adult children with the same level of respect and regard for their life as you would any other adult in your life.
21:30
SPEAKER_00: That's how you should conduct yourself with them.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: And this, by the way, is mutual.
21:35
SPEAKER_00: You should not allow them to ever speak to you in any disrespectful way.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: Those are communication boundaries.
21:43
SPEAKER_00: Even over sharing and over asking is not respecting boundaries.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: When you do that to your adult child, you are guaranteed to be shut down or shut out.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: Number four, be emotionally supportive.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Which means being understanding, showing encouragement, reassuring them that their feelings are valid and that you're there for them without judgment or trying to fix the situation.
22:13
SPEAKER_00: This is very important for building trust.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: The opposite type of parent here would say something like, stop being so dramatic, or just get over it.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: Number five, the last one, offer guidance.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: But when they ask you, you can suggest what you would do in that situation, keeping in mind that times are very different now.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: This is the ideal opportunity for you to present to them several options.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: And then, parents, let them decide what they're comfortable with.
22:48
SPEAKER_00: Whatever it takes, you need to refrain from offering them unsolicited advice.
22:56
SPEAKER_00: This is advice that you think they need to hear, but they haven't asked you for it.
23:02
SPEAKER_00: No one, not just your children, wants to hear your opinion about what they should or shouldn't be doing unless they ask for it.
23:11
SPEAKER_00: And those are the five most important actionable steps that you can start practicing right away, even before pressing that reset button, which I strongly recommend you do.
23:26
SPEAKER_00: Great communication with your adult child does not happen overnight, especially if it's been a difficult, tumultuous, distant, untrusting relationship.
23:37
SPEAKER_00: It does take time to rebuild.
23:45
SPEAKER_00: Be patient with them, with yourself, and with the entire process.
23:50
SPEAKER_00: If you truly want to improve, upgrade, enhance, and deepen the relationship with your adult child, change the way you communicate with them, set the wheels in motion now.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: I promise you that by practicing these actionable steps, it will be so worth it.
24:10
SPEAKER_00: You know why?
24:12
SPEAKER_00: Because you will have a friend for life.
24:15
SPEAKER_00: And they will too.
24:17
SPEAKER_00: I know that there was a lot of information here, so I hope that you save this episode and perhaps give it a listen again.
24:23
SPEAKER_00: And thank you, parents, for tuning into this episode.
24:26
SPEAKER_00: If you enjoyed it, please take a moment to write a review, share it, and subscribe if you never want to miss another.
24:33
SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
24:40
SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
24:49
SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
24:55
SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
25:00
SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
25:09
SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
25:19
SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
25:24
SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.