Latest / Groove with Portia / Flowers Die. Grief Doesn't. So How Do We Show Up?

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Flowers Die. Grief Doesn't. So How Do We Show Up? · Groove with Portia

0:06
Speaker 1: Welcome to Guru Portia, the podcast that uncovers the hidden
0:09
Speaker 1: treasures within grief. I'm your host, Portia, the producer, and
0:12
Speaker 1: I'm inviting you to join me on a transformative journey
0:15
Speaker 1: where we will exchange laughter. Of course, the best medicine
0:18
Speaker 1: of them all. Reflect on cherished memories. Remember that time
0:21
Speaker 1: that the little boy grabbed my hand instead of his
0:23
Speaker 1: mother's at the amusement park?
0:24
Speaker 2: Yikes.
0:25
Speaker 1: And of course, discover gratitude while navigating one of life's
0:29
Speaker 1: hardest challenges, loss. So get ready to grew with me, Portia,
0:33
Speaker 1: the producer. Let's dive in. Why, hello everyone, and welcome
0:46
Speaker 1: back to Guru with Portia. I'm your host, Portia Booker,
0:48
Speaker 1: and as always, don't forget to like, share, and subscribe
0:52
Speaker 1: to give with all things Guru with Portia. One of
0:55
Speaker 1: the things I want to ask each and every one
0:57
Speaker 1: of you today is when you've experienced that transition or
1:02
Speaker 1: loss in your life, whatever that might be, how have
1:05
Speaker 1: you given yourself permission to stay present in your everyday?
1:10
Speaker 1: Let that sink in. How have you given yourself permission
1:13
Speaker 1: to stay present, even as everybody else's world is going
1:19
Speaker 1: on and going normally, but for you, time has stopped?
1:24
Speaker 1: But how are you giving yourself that permission to stay
1:27
Speaker 1: present where you are, despite the losses and challenges that
1:31
Speaker 1: you've had? Let that sink in. So today I'm going
1:34
Speaker 1: to be joined by an individual who has experienced the
1:37
Speaker 1: loss of one of her children, but she's found a
1:40
Speaker 1: way to integrate his memory into what she does today.
1:46
Speaker 1: Before I bring her on, I want to give a
1:47
Speaker 1: special shout out to Mr. Dave Roberts for introducing me
1:50
Speaker 1: to our guest today. So welcome to Guru with Portia, Ms.
1:53
Speaker 1: Kelly Edmondson. Kelly, how are you today?
1:55
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm so happy to catch up with you, Portia.
1:59
Speaker 2: I'm doing well.
2:01
Speaker 1: Kelly, I knew from the minute we met, there was
2:04
Speaker 1: something beautiful about you taking Darius's legacy and paving it forward.
2:10
Speaker 1: Because so many people, especially right now, who have experienced
2:15
Speaker 1: the transition of a child, the transition of anyone in
2:18
Speaker 1: their life, they're really struggling with staying present. And before
2:22
Speaker 1: we dive into, Kelly, the creation of Timely Presence, Also
2:27
Speaker 1: how Darius made his transition for our audience. Can you
2:31
Speaker 1: share with us who Darius was and what do you
2:35
Speaker 1: want people to remember about him from the time that
2:38
Speaker 1: he was here?
2:39
Speaker 2: Yes. So Darius is my oldest child, um, and a
2:45
Speaker 2: gift to the world born on Christmas day.
2:47
Speaker 1: Wow.
2:48
Speaker 3: Um, rambunctious and, um, life of the party, not in
2:57
Speaker 3: the I'm center of attention way, but in the coolest
3:00
Speaker 3: kid in the room kind of way.
3:03
Speaker 2: Magnetic. People just wanted to be around him. He just was,
3:10
Speaker 2: I divorced very early. And so he, as my oldest
3:14
Speaker 2: child became my partner and many things. And he was
3:20
Speaker 2: doggedly determined. I say all the time, At 28, he
3:24
Speaker 2: died at 28. At 28, dogged determination is such a
3:30
Speaker 2: valued skill. At 10, it's a little hard to manage.
3:38
Speaker 2: We did deal with that. But he grew up to
3:43
Speaker 2: be an exceptional man, so exceptional in fact, that at
3:47
Speaker 2: his funeral, A group of four people who I had
3:50
Speaker 2: never seen before stood in front of all of the
3:55
Speaker 2: ceremony and let us know that the college that he
3:58
Speaker 2: attended was renaming an annual award in his honor. His
4:04
Speaker 2: dash was short, but his impact was long.
4:08
Speaker 1: You know, I love that, Kelly, the dash. Well, really,
4:11
Speaker 1: it was extended. I mean, realistically, because I think about Kelly,
4:16
Speaker 1: even as I've experienced the transition of both my parents,
4:20
Speaker 1: my mom and dad, and in my eyes, I'm still,
4:24
Speaker 1: no matter what, Charles and Shay's daughter. And at the
4:29
Speaker 1: end of the day, even for you, Darius is still
4:31
Speaker 1: your son. And I'm curious, Kelly, I don't know if
4:34
Speaker 1: anybody's ever asked you this. You're keeping his memory alive
4:38
Speaker 1: through timely presence. And also the college has named a
4:42
Speaker 1: scholarship in honor of him. But I think there's a
4:44
Speaker 1: part of you that's still mothering him even in the
4:47
Speaker 1: spiritual presence. And I'm curious, Kelly, how does that mothering
4:52
Speaker 1: look like for you? And how are you continuing to
4:58
Speaker 1: show others and other parents that just because they're not
5:02
Speaker 1: physically available doesn't mean that you still aren't having that
5:07
Speaker 1: experience with them as though they're physically here?
5:10
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that question. Continuing bonds, right? That's what
5:15
Speaker 2: they call it, continuing bonds. It is so important to me.
5:19
Speaker 2: You know, one of the things that I had to
5:21
Speaker 2: do quickly was I had to create a space in
5:25
Speaker 2: my life where he and I could connect. It just is,
5:29
Speaker 2: it's our place to be. And so for me, it's
5:32
Speaker 2: on my back deck where his wind chime is. And
5:36
Speaker 2: when I need to feel close, I go, you know,
5:40
Speaker 2: just this weekend, I went out there. It's, I live
5:43
Speaker 2: in Florida. It's still a thousand degrees here. Uh, And
5:49
Speaker 2: the humidity is still very real. So I went and
5:52
Speaker 2: sat on the deck in kind of this oppressive heat.
5:57
Speaker 2: I just, it was, there was just a moment where
5:59
Speaker 2: I just missed him. Right. I just missed him. Not
6:02
Speaker 2: the idea of him. Not the fact that my son
6:04
Speaker 2: was dead. Like I missed Darius. And just on a
6:09
Speaker 2: day where there was no breeze. There was one. And
6:16
Speaker 2: he just, the wind chime, just the slightest little chimes, right?
6:24
Speaker 2: It was like a hug on a muggy Saturday. And
6:29
Speaker 2: so that is my space to just go feel connected
6:32
Speaker 2: to him. And I love that. I just absolutely love that.
6:37
Speaker 2: And so that's our space. To me, it was important
6:40
Speaker 2: to create this place of connection. The other thing that
6:45
Speaker 2: I do, and I don't know what you do for
6:47
Speaker 2: your parents. The other thing that I do is on
6:50
Speaker 2: his days. So Christmas in particular is his birthday. And
6:56
Speaker 2: the start of the intense grieving season, because he died
6:59
Speaker 2: January 3rd, we take a trip. And so Christmas is
7:05
Speaker 2: his birthday. And so for us, we've reframed that holiday
7:09
Speaker 2: season to a celebration of all the magic. And it's
7:12
Speaker 2: like a party. Everybody's happy. There's lights, there's festivals everywhere.
7:18
Speaker 2: And we use it to celebrate him and what he
7:21
Speaker 2: brought to our life instead of mourning his loss. And
7:23
Speaker 2: that is really, I've reframed that ritual, which has been
7:27
Speaker 2: life-giving to me.
7:29
Speaker 1: And Kelly, I appreciate you sharing, of course, because I've
7:33
Speaker 1: been to Florida, it's been a couple years, but I
7:36
Speaker 1: remember that sometimes it does get a little bit of,
7:40
Speaker 1: you need to have an IV available under your arm
7:42
Speaker 1: to keep the deodorant going, because I know that your
7:45
Speaker 1: deodorant will fire you in five minutes, depending on what
7:48
Speaker 1: part of Florida that you're in. And I think Darius
7:53
Speaker 1: kind of was giving you a little bit of a
7:54
Speaker 1: laugh with that gentle breeze, considering that you've been roasting
8:00
Speaker 1: kind of like you're on your own personal grill being
8:02
Speaker 1: turned over every couple minutes. And I love to Kelly
8:10
Speaker 1: that you taking his birthday away. and his transition anniversary
8:15
Speaker 1: as well, then turn that into a time to be
8:19
Speaker 1: with your family, for you to celebrate Darius, celebrate as
8:24
Speaker 1: the days keep moving with him in the spiritual space.
8:29
Speaker 1: And I'm curious, Kelly, for you, when I think about
8:32
Speaker 1: society today, there tends to be this lingo of you
8:36
Speaker 1: have to move on, move forward, right? And I'm wondering, Kelly,
8:41
Speaker 1: from your own experience and also mine personally, are we
8:46
Speaker 1: doing a disservice to individuals who choose to want to
8:52
Speaker 1: honor their loved ones, not only just for their birthday,
8:56
Speaker 1: but I think that the biggest gift that we're not
8:59
Speaker 1: giving other grievers is giving them the opportunity to let
9:03
Speaker 1: these people live, even though they're not physically present with us.
9:08
Speaker 2: I love that question. I think as a society, you're
9:12
Speaker 2: completely right. People want you to Really move on. That's
9:16
Speaker 2: what they want you to do, right? They want you
9:18
Speaker 2: to move on. And here's the bottom line. You will
9:21
Speaker 2: never not be your parents' daughter. Yeah. It's not a
9:24
Speaker 2: day you won't, right? I will never not be Darius's mother.
9:27
Speaker 2: So there's no moving on from that, right? That's not possible.
9:32
Speaker 2: But what is possible is for me to keep living
9:36
Speaker 2: and keeping his memory with me. So he actually gets
9:40
Speaker 2: to live on through the stories, Conversations, the remembrance of him. Right.
9:48
Speaker 2: To me, the saddest thing ever would be for no
9:52
Speaker 2: one to ever say his name again. And so he
9:57
Speaker 2: lives in a different fashion. He lives on. in love
10:01
Speaker 2: that goes forward he lives on in stories all the
10:05
Speaker 2: time someone I'm talking to someone and they share a
10:09
Speaker 2: perspective on an event or story or memory they have
10:13
Speaker 2: of him that I didn't have before it's like a
10:15
Speaker 2: new it's a new experience of him through the eyes
10:19
Speaker 2: and remembrance of someone else. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. And
10:25
Speaker 2: I'm not stuck. I'm not stuck on the day that
10:29
Speaker 2: he died, right? I love him. I miss him. I
10:32
Speaker 2: wish the story was different, but I refuse to two things.
10:37
Speaker 2: I refuse to one, remain where I was that day.
10:41
Speaker 2: It was dark and existed and I had to work
10:45
Speaker 2: through it and integrate the loss into my life. I
10:47
Speaker 2: refused to stay there. I also refused to leave him
10:52
Speaker 2: like it was a demarcation line behind that loss. So
10:57
Speaker 2: we are traveling together through the rest of my life.
11:01
Speaker 1: You know, Kelly, I love that you brought up about
11:04
Speaker 1: the different individuals who share stories that you may have
11:08
Speaker 1: not have known about, Darius. You know, some people know
11:11
Speaker 1: this story about me, but I was actually studying to
11:14
Speaker 1: become a minister at one point. And the pastor who
11:18
Speaker 1: I was going to study under, he came back into
11:21
Speaker 1: my life shortly after my mom transitioned. My mom was
11:25
Speaker 1: attending his over-the-phone Bible study because during COVID, nobody could
11:29
Speaker 1: go into churches. And so I got reconnected with him
11:33
Speaker 1: through my uncle. And we were talking one day and
11:36
Speaker 1: he said, Portia, I remember your mom. He said, I
11:40
Speaker 1: remember she called me. I'm not going to cry. He said, Portia,
11:43
Speaker 1: I remember she called me the day that she was leaving.
11:47
Speaker 1: And he said, your mom said, pastor, I'm going home tonight.
11:53
Speaker 1: And I remember, Kelly, when I heard that story, and
11:57
Speaker 1: I remember I didn't know that because I was at
12:00
Speaker 1: the hospital with her all day. But obviously there was
12:04
Speaker 1: a point where she was able to share with him, hey,
12:09
Speaker 1: thank you for being a part of this journey with
12:12
Speaker 1: me and how beautiful that I was able to connect
12:15
Speaker 1: with him and him share that with me. And obviously
12:19
Speaker 1: our past kind of took a detour as well. because
12:23
Speaker 1: Pastor Hunter did actually transition shortly before I was going
12:27
Speaker 1: to start ministering under him. So you just never know
12:32
Speaker 1: where life will take you. And he even said to
12:36
Speaker 1: me that not everybody who's been called to ministry needs
12:41
Speaker 1: to be behind the pulpit. So I take that as,
12:46
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm doing what I'm called to do. Kelly,
12:51
Speaker 1: before we continue with the conversation, my friend, I'm sure
12:55
Speaker 1: there's going to be individuals who want to connect with you,
12:58
Speaker 1: who want to learn more about Timely Presence. If they
13:01
Speaker 1: want to connect with you, if you're doing a talk
13:04
Speaker 1: or something somewhere, please let our audience know how they
13:07
Speaker 1: can connect with you.
13:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, so the best way to follow me is on LinkedIn.com.
13:13
Speaker 2: That is where I am. We're speaking engagements, podcasts, and
13:16
Speaker 2: all of those things will be shared. So I'm just
13:19
Speaker 2: Kelly Edmondson, E-D-M-O-N-D-S-O-N. But our website and our Instagram and
13:26
Speaker 2: Facebook are The Timely Presence. So it's thetimelypresence.com. We talk
13:31
Speaker 2: about grief. We're real about it, right? We talk about
13:34
Speaker 2: all the things. We talk about how to show up
13:37
Speaker 2: for somebody who's grieving, right? And we talk about how
13:42
Speaker 2: grief and joy can coexist.
13:46
Speaker 1: Absolutely. So for our audience who's tuning in, as Kelly mentioned,
13:49
Speaker 1: you can follow them on all social media platforms, Timely Presence.
13:53
Speaker 1: You can find Kelly on social media. If you forget,
13:57
Speaker 1: we'll put our website in the show notes as well.
13:59
Speaker 1: And also don't forget our buddies at AI can find
14:01
Speaker 1: us too. So I'm sure that they know more about
14:05
Speaker 1: us than what we realize. Kelly, something I thought about
14:09
Speaker 1: when I think about your background, you're a nurse by trade.
14:14
Speaker 1: And also you've held different positions amongst the healthcare ecosystem
14:20
Speaker 1: and leadership. And also you've been that point of contact
14:24
Speaker 1: for a lot of people who've experienced that transition in
14:28
Speaker 1: their life. And I'm curious, Kelly, when you think about
14:33
Speaker 1: your professional experience, being in those rooms with other families
14:39
Speaker 1: whose shoes eventually became placed on your feet, What did
14:44
Speaker 1: grief teach you that the professional experience could not?
14:50
Speaker 2: Oh, that's such a good question. You know, I started
14:53
Speaker 2: out as a trauma ICU nurse. So I was there
14:57
Speaker 2: at end of life for dozens, hundreds of people. And
15:02
Speaker 2: I always had a heart for being in those situations.
15:05
Speaker 2: I was always assigned them because I felt like I
15:08
Speaker 2: was really good at it. And I always thought I
15:11
Speaker 2: was meeting grief. Right. I thought, oh, these are grieving.
15:15
Speaker 2: What I learned through my own loss is in the
15:19
Speaker 2: hospital room, what you see is pain. What you see
15:25
Speaker 2: is sadness. Grief is something different. So in that room,
15:30
Speaker 2: you learned that your mother had transitioned. Right. You learned that.
15:35
Speaker 2: And in your mind, that's sad. It's painful. Sometimes there's
15:39
Speaker 2: anger that comes with that at that moment. You don't
15:43
Speaker 2: learn until two months down the road when you can't
15:48
Speaker 2: call her what the absence of her being in your
15:52
Speaker 2: life means. And that's grief. Grief you cannot comprehend at
15:58
Speaker 2: the moment of loss. You don't understand how it's going
16:01
Speaker 2: to show up in your life. And so the sadness,
16:06
Speaker 2: the pain, those things accompany it. But there's this new
16:10
Speaker 2: feeling this new realization of the fact that on this
16:15
Speaker 2: earth I will never see her again. I will never
16:21
Speaker 2: hear her voice again. And that hits differently when you
16:26
Speaker 2: start walking in it. Yeah. Yeah.
16:31
Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, you described it perfectly, Kelly. I think too,
16:35
Speaker 1: when I think back to my mom's transition and me
16:38
Speaker 1: being in the room with her, I remember when I
16:43
Speaker 1: think about it today, obviously in the initial, this didn't
16:46
Speaker 1: hit me, but there was this big sigh of relief
16:50
Speaker 1: I had that she didn't have to suffer because That
16:56
Speaker 1: there was no more doctor visits, no more oxygen. I
17:01
Speaker 1: remember even for a few months, it was hard for
17:05
Speaker 1: me to sleep at night because she had an oxygen concentrator.
17:08
Speaker 1: You know, those things are loud. And I remember just
17:12
Speaker 1: how accustomed I got to hearing the rattle in the concentrator.
17:17
Speaker 1: She had the one with the humidifier component, so the
17:20
Speaker 1: water bubbling. And then I would have to wake up
17:23
Speaker 1: and make sure that the humidifier piece was filled to
17:26
Speaker 1: a certain extent. And so there were different components that
17:32
Speaker 1: I grieved after the fact. Yeah. But when I think
17:37
Speaker 1: about it today, I remember feeling that relief of it's over.
17:43
Speaker 1: It's the relief of both, this is it. I can't
17:48
Speaker 1: believe this is how it transpired for us. And I mean,
17:54
Speaker 1: I'm very grateful to this day, Kelly, that I had
17:58
Speaker 1: the opportunity to tell my mom, thank you. I had
18:01
Speaker 1: the opportunity to tell her, How grateful I was for
18:04
Speaker 1: her keeping her foot up my butt to get me
18:06
Speaker 1: through college. Because my mom was military and she was strict.
18:12
Speaker 1: I was grateful for her encouraging me to go for
18:18
Speaker 1: my dreams. And she said it to me. She said, Portia,
18:21
Speaker 1: go for it. Go for your dreams. She said, thank you.
18:24
Speaker 1: You've been one heck of an advocate for me. And
18:27
Speaker 1: I have it recorded. I have our very last conversation recorded.
18:31
Speaker 1: And even though it breaks my heart open, to listen
18:34
Speaker 1: to it, I don't regret it at all.
18:38
Speaker 2: And so you got to hear her thank you. Yes.
18:43
Speaker 1: Yes, I did get to receive that. And I watched
18:46
Speaker 1: her leave. I mean, it was very hard to stand
18:53
Speaker 1: there and accept that this was our conclusion to our
19:01
Speaker 1: journey together. And as she made her transition, Kelly, I'm
19:08
Speaker 1: not kidding. I remember the hospital room heating up and
19:13
Speaker 1: I saw her spirit and she was happy. She was free.
19:19
Speaker 1: And she waved to me and blew me a kiss
19:23
Speaker 1: and out the door she went. And it almost reminded
19:27
Speaker 1: me of watching a firework show when you're a kid
19:31
Speaker 1: and you're fascinated by all the colors. For me, it
19:36
Speaker 1: was that. It was why I've never seen this before
19:41
Speaker 1: and how much of a gift it was for me,
19:44
Speaker 1: even though I didn't get to see her come in.
19:47
Speaker 1: I got to see her catch her next train. to
19:50
Speaker 1: her destination so That is what I will hold with
19:55
Speaker 1: me forever. I know for some people that's not always
19:58
Speaker 1: easy And so when I show up in the world
20:01
Speaker 1: today kelly, i'm that person who has no problem Walking
20:05
Speaker 1: with somebody on that path because it's not easy at
20:08
Speaker 1: all Kelly, first of all, thank you so much again
20:13
Speaker 1: for coming on the show. We're going to be concluding soon,
20:16
Speaker 1: but I have two more questions for you. When I
20:19
Speaker 1: think about timely presence, I think about the name. And
20:25
Speaker 1: when you think about our society, the way that they
20:29
Speaker 1: view grief, time has this connotation of you can't put
20:35
Speaker 1: an hourglass filter through it and also when you think
20:40
Speaker 1: about the word present darius was born on christmas day
20:45
Speaker 1: right we all love christmas for most of us growing
20:49
Speaker 1: up as kids we can't wait to wake up see
20:51
Speaker 1: what santa claus brought us but in this case for
20:54
Speaker 1: you kevin i'm curious What was the inspiration behind the
21:00
Speaker 1: name Timely Presence? And I'm also curious, what does the
21:05
Speaker 1: word timely mean for you when we're talking about transitions
21:12
Speaker 1: and grief, considering what society has to say about us
21:17
Speaker 1: moving forward?
21:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love this. Your questions are good. So for us,
21:24
Speaker 2: the whole premise of Timely Presence, we have a product-based business.
21:29
Speaker 2: And so what we do is we deliver gifts on
21:33
Speaker 2: what are well-established emotional triggers through that first year of grief.
21:39
Speaker 2: So the gifts show up on a birthday, on a
21:45
Speaker 2: wedding anniversary, on Mother's Day, on the holiday season, right?
21:52
Speaker 2: These days where the absence can seem louder. Now, you
21:57
Speaker 2: and I both know that there's a Tuesday that for
22:00
Speaker 2: no reason at all, you are in your car and
22:03
Speaker 2: you're weeping. We know that. Those are harder to predict, right?
22:06
Speaker 2: We can't predict those. But we know that the evidence
22:09
Speaker 2: tells us that you see it all the time on
22:12
Speaker 2: social media. Happy heavenly birthday to my father who died
22:17
Speaker 2: seven years ago. Those days bring up emotions. And what
22:22
Speaker 2: I didn't want people to do any longer through that
22:24
Speaker 2: first year, because the first year, you don't know if
22:27
Speaker 2: you can live through that. When you do it once,
22:31
Speaker 2: the second year is hard, but you know, you can
22:35
Speaker 2: do it. Right. And so on that first day, this
22:38
Speaker 2: allows somebody who doesn't know what to do, who recognizes
22:42
Speaker 2: that flowers die and grief doesn't. Your one time purchase is,
22:50
Speaker 2: delivers gifts all year long on this emotional calendar. So
22:55
Speaker 2: the presents are really your presence, right? Just in time
23:05
Speaker 2: on these milestone events, just in time. So that is
23:09
Speaker 2: the impetus of timely presence. We came up with it
23:13
Speaker 2: because it's what happened for me. I, My mother and
23:18
Speaker 2: my sister showed up on Mother's Day just when I
23:21
Speaker 2: needed them. I didn't know if I could make it
23:23
Speaker 2: through the day. And they showed up just in time.
23:27
Speaker 2: And that was such a gift. So that is how
23:30
Speaker 2: Tiger Presence came to be. That's the name. And that's
23:33
Speaker 2: really the business model, showing up when it matters most.
23:37
Speaker 1: And Kelly, I love that because you're right. That first year,
23:41
Speaker 1: you're hollow, right? You are hollow. You're a hollowed out
23:46
Speaker 1: shell looking for that sense to fill that void that's
23:52
Speaker 1: now there, right? Because not everybody is in that position
23:58
Speaker 1: to open themselves up to receive that new level of
24:01
Speaker 1: the relationship or the communication, right? So it's in that
24:08
Speaker 1: no pun intended present that reminds us That they're still
24:15
Speaker 1: with us, that people still remember. They remember, even though
24:21
Speaker 1: their relationship with our loved one who transitioned might be different,
24:26
Speaker 1: that love energy is still the same.
24:29
Speaker 2: That's right.
24:33
Speaker 1: Well, everybody, that was Darius's mother, Kelly Edmondson, that you
24:39
Speaker 1: heard from today on Group with Portia. And that concludes
24:42
Speaker 1: our conversation. And until next time, everybody, peace and hair grease, everyone.