Latest / Chucks Cantina / Episode 212: Happy Halloween

Transcript

Episode 212: Happy Halloween · Chucks Cantina

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: This is Chuck's Cantina Podcast, where anything and everything is
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: up for discussion. And now, here's your barman, Chuck O'Donnell.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Ah, spooky season. Spooky Steve. Spooky Steve is ready to
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: get a little spooky spooky on. Oh, yeah. Hold on.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: Are we doing it? Are we live? Oh, yeah, we're live. Oh, man,
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: that was a good-ass French cigarette.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah. You hear that fizz? Damn.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Damn.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: You're in the cantina, baby. Damn. That was good. I
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: started pouring it, and I was like, wait, the microphone
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: makes it sound really good. I'm going to wait for
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: my friend so he can record it and he can
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: put it on a podcast. I have a podcast. I
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: have a podcast. Welcome to the ASMR hour.
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: Welcome to Tuck's Cantina's ASMR.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: With OG Patron. Yes, yes, but you can call me
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: Spooky Steven.
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: Or Steve, or, but I thought you said I get
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: to call you Spooky Steven.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: Spooky Steve. You can call me Spooky Steve, but the
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: audience has to earn it. Well, I've earned it. Excelsior.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: Of course, my friend. Of course. Excelsior. I think this
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: is the scariest thing we could do this whole episode.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: Talking like this. Of course. Of course. Of course. Of course.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: My lady. My lady. You know what? Actually, really quick.
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: Here's a challenge for you and I. Oh, by the way,
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: really quick. Chuck's Cantina, your socials. Chuck's Cantina, gmail.com.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: No, it's been a minute. I'm back. Hi. I love
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: how it always happens. Sorry. Yeah, really quick.
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: Not like ADHD or anything has an effect on that shit.
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: Forget your lines.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: No, here's a question for you.
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: Which would we break first?
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: Doing fifth for all episode?
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: Actually, it's kind of relatable, but obviously that would be
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: a little more comedic. Or if we just did The
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: Chosen first?
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: The entire episode it's essentially the same i know as
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: i literally said it.
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: Out loud i'm like impressive whoa your artistry on the
• 2:30
  Speaker 4: microphone is unprecedented whoa hardcore that's so freaking rad actually.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: Although i have to be home by seven yeah it's
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: like the chosen is just that guy but he also
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: has a sword.
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: The chosen is literally that guy everyone knows or has
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: seen from high school except he actually has a sword
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: because he actually used the money he got from working
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: at pizza hut to buy the sword.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: These tips tonight will grant me a quite the boon
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: i'll show ryan he thinks he can actually throw Ninja
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: stars at me? Joke's on him. I actually bought ninja stars.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: I've actually already teleported behind you.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: This message you're hearing is actually from the future before
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: I snap your neck.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: You hear it coming? Exactly.
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: Actually, here's a funny question for you. You'll never be
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: able to guess this unless you are really a chosen.
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: Let's see if you can connect your mind powers with mine.
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: Tomorrow for work, what will I be dressing up as
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: for Halloween?
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's a tough question. Think about it. Group setting.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: We obviously have a theme. Oh, interesting. Office themes. Coming
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: off of my experience with workplace settings and themes. Cool.
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: Commonality of our shared experience would indicate that Marvel is
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: a pretty big deal right now. I would suspect that
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: perhaps you were some kind of Marvel comic superhero. Oh.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: He knew I was Black Widow. No. This is incredibly tight.
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: Natasha Romanoff, skills must be one of the benefits of
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: ADHD is being very quick with your words. Shockingly, no. Actually,
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: I don't even know if anyone's actually doing Marvel.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: No, I am going to be Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: Incredible.
• 4:41
  Speaker 5: What's funny about that and ironic that you brought that
• 4:46
  Speaker 5: up is that my wife and I, we do a
• 4:50
  Speaker 5: little babysitting for our friend's kids sometimes.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: And they have a Plex server. And what's cool about
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: Plex is that you're able to find the old cartoons
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: that we grew up watching. Okay. without any i don't
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: know i said that so loud sorry no.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: It's cool so flex there.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: Um but they put on the old scooby-doo cartoon yeah
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: and going back and watching that recently i was like
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: man this is kind of shit but it's awesome it's
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: so nostalgic well what they didn't do and i never
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: really really realized it as a kid is that they
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: don't color in shaggy's beard so for like Wait, what?
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: For the show, it's just like this weird flesh-colored beard line,
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: and it's weirder on his side profile because it sticks
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: out of his face, but it's the same color as
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: his skin, so it's like... I need to Google this now.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: Hold on. I mean, it's not that weird. What the fuck? Okay, no,
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: isn't that weird? Oh, my God, it looks.
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: It looks like he has.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: It's like a weird skin and flesh thing hanging off
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: his face.
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: There's, like, one where it literally looks like it's, like,
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: a penis or, like, a fucking alien thing.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: Well, apparently the most recent animated movie, they actually filled
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: it in a little bit.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: The technology. You never put it together. And I think
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: at a certain point they just stopped drawing it in
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: or did something different. But yeah, man. It's weird to
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: go back and look at that stuff. Babar? Do you
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: remember Babar the Elephant? Hold on. Babar the Elephant wears
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: a green suit. He's British. I need an official representation.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: That show is fucked up. What the fuck? Oh, my God. Yeah,
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: I remember this. That show is fucked up. Really? It's
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: about colonialism and how it's actually a good thing. British
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: imperial power colonialism. It's great. And then he marries his cousin,
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: who's also the elephant. Wait, what? What? Don't say I
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: didn't warn you. Don't go down the bad bar rabbit hole. Wait,
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: hold on.
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: I have to ask you this. Is it as fucked
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: up as the magic school bus when Miss Frizzle took
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: a vacation into... I think it was Ralphie's... They went
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: inside his body. Yeah, and they came out as assholes.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: I don't know. They didn't come out as assholes. No. Really?
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna look it up.
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: I don't know if they went out as butt, but like.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I thought they came out of his nose or some shit.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: Either way, they were in his... It's weird to have
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: all your friends inside of you. Either way, they were
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: in his.
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: And your teacher. Either way, they were in his intestines.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: They went in there because he was, like, orange or something?
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: I think they did one.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: It was either.
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: They did one where... There was literally a comedian. He
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: just did a sketch on this. There's one where either.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they did.
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: There's one where either.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Like, the kid... One of the kids was sick. Or
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: for some reason, or.
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: Actually even worse, the kid didn't know that he was
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: the vacation.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Jesus.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: The field trip. Yeah. And they just thought all his
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: friends left him.
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: And his teacher.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: It's like, hey, actually, yeah, you can't go on this
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: field trip because your parents assigned a permission slip because
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: your parents are responsible. But in the meantime, my pet
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: fucking iguana is going to substitute for you.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah. We're going to take all of his germs and
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: everybody else's germs inside of your body. And a school bus.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: Who knows what those emissions are going to do to
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: your lungs, but we don't really care. It's for science.
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: It really gives meaning to the Russell Brand.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: Song, Inside of You. Inside of you.
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: Actually, you can't mention him right now. I forgot that.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: He's an asshole.
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: I totally forgot about that.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: What a journey he's been on. Speaking of field trips.
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: Anyway, what are you drinking?
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I'm drinking the.
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: What are you fizzing over there?
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: I'm drinking the Kyle Special in the white can. The
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: Kyle Special? What the fuck is that? Let's just say
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: the name of the brand is apropos for our subject
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: matter for this episode. What the fuck is that? I'm being...
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: I thought we were saying brands on the show anymore. Oh, no, no.
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: I mean, no, for drinks, you can say that.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: Like, I'm not going to get pissed about that. I'm
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: drinking that Monster Zero Ultra, brother.
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: Hence the Kyle. Wow, I walked right into that one.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: Come on, man. You're supposed to be quick. You know,
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: with the black middle line, I almost killed me. That
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: was pretty good. Well, obviously, yeah. I mean, fuck.
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: You literally hit me with the Kyle special, and I
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: hit you with the fridge cigarette, so it's pretty obvious
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: I'm drinking.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: That was pretty good. Yeah, I've never heard that.
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: Have you heard what people are apparently doing now with
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: Diet Cokes? So I forget like what they call it.
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: I mean, it's like another, it's like an alternate version
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: of a fridge cigarette where this is what's crazy to me.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: People are taking obviously ice and they're putting espresso in
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: a cup and then they're putting Diet Coke in there
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: and then they're topping it off with like half and
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: half or they're doing like a foam.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: That's not that weird, you know, because I've actually heard
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: of like Coke and espresso being a thing like from
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: way back. Like they would do it at malt shops
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: and things too. um but i've also heard funny enough
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: i've seen the trend of like people putting espresso in
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: their white monster and apparently it tastes amazing so or
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: have you seen they're going to be doing that tonight.
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: Or have you seen the um There's that other trend
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: where it's that really popular milk company that has really
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: good protein shakes in a bottle at gas stations. I'm
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: not joking about how good those fucking things are. Those
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: things are insane.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: Is it the one with the cow on the front?
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: It is the one with the cow on the front.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: And apparently what they're doing is they're taking that one,
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: and then they're taking the coffee gas station bottled one
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: with Medusa on it. And, and apparently you're supposed to
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: take those two and like you mix them in a
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: cup and it's like, it's like an obscene amount of calories,
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: but you're getting all this protein in them. And apparently
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: it's fucking delicious. I'm just like, dude, you know, and
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: like the one guy's like, Hey, Hey, this might cost
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: like 1350, but like, come on, what does your girlfriend
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: pay for at that place?
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Like 14 bucks.
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, what the fuck is she buying there
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: for 14 bucks?
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: No, it's like eight. But yeah, 14 is when I
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: go and I get all the extra shit.
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I also.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: I don't know how to order there.
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I order all of the.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: It's a little treat for Daddy. Yeah, a little treat
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: for Daddy. Daddy needs his treats too, you know. Daddy, Daddy... Sorry.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. Anyway.
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: Caitlin literally keeps looking because apparently she thinks I have
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: a very good Prince Charming impression, which I've never worked on.
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: She's like, say that again.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: I did.
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: She goes like, that's creepy. Like how good you are. Well,
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: because for a while I was trying to find the
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: perfect time to say it. She could see it. I'm like, like, babe,
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: you can't find the perfect time to say it. And
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: then one day I just said it. And she's like,
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: that was a little too good.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: I've been waiting. I've been saving.
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: Finally, my moment has shined.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: Anyway. I'm storing my power for ages. Waiting for the
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: exact moment to strike. Totally cool. Deploy my secret weapon. Oh,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: you're not supposed to... Hey, you said you wouldn't tell anybody.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: It's a secret. Not anymore, huh? You can't do it.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: It's a secret.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: Oh, I'm also drinking some high-quality H2O to replenish my
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: body of all of the extra activities I've done today
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: by working hard.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to do the opposite of that later
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: in the episode. I'm going to drink a little bit
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: of whiskey, a little bit of a little slap.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: I thought you were going to say you were going
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: to drink some urine because that is the opposite of H2O.
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: Okay. I don't know how to rebuttal that. I guess
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: it's not the opposite. I stand corrected. You have been defeated.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: You're right. I am the one true child in Excelsior.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: You've proven me wrong. Urine is the opposite of water.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: I was going to say.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: That's the only thing that makes sense anymore. He is
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: the opposite of water. Opposite of down. There, we solved it. Huzzah.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: We got it all figured out now. Oh my god,
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: really quick. We can end the episode. We can just
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: end the episode.
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: No, actually, I've been quadruple checking because... because they don't
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: pay me, the software I use to record this podcast.
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: So apparently there's this, and again, I don't know if
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: this is for sure. I like looked into it and
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: apparently it's only happened for some people, but it's just like,
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: it might be like a weird glitch more than an update.
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: Apparently now, and I'm checking, actually cough.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: Good boy.
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: No, apparently the thing you have to check for is
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: that for some reason now, whenever I turn on clean feet,
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: it mutes you right away. without you knowing so earlier
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: when i was doing a voiceover just like little thing
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: i was working on um i was like i was
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: like okay you know what that wasn't bad but i
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: did like it was like a test like hey it
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: was only the first quarter like i was like let
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: me just see how i think i sound if i
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: need to make any changes and like i spent the
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: next half an hour trying to figure out why the
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: fuck is no audio coming through like why is nothing
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: working and i look at the fucking software i use
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: it's like oh yeah because i'm fucking muted yeah yeah
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: that's what you wanted right You wanted to start up
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: and then because you always want to throw it muted.
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: It's like, yeah, this isn't, this isn't the fucking regular
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: by the FCC. Like what the fuck?
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to just, yeah. Okay.
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: Well, well, I think we've checked all the boxes. Bye everybody.
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: We'll see you next week.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: I was going to say, no, we can actually start
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: the episode. We can start the recording. Yeah.
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: So right now, um, Yeah, so obviously with it being
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: tis the season.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: Sorry, I'll just do some background noise. Thank you.
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: I'm actually trying to work on getting alternative audio for this.
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: I've got to stay tuned for that.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: They want money.
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: It's like, fuck you.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: Anyway. What's alternative audio? I don't know.
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so since it is the season, and not the
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: season that all the hardware and grocery stores want to
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: tell you it actually isn't, We're going to tell you
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: fine folks on here some scary stories. And no, and again,
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: if you, and I can say at least from my end,
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: the stories that I'm going to read to you are
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: not AI generated. Well, at least I don't think they are.
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: I found them online, not from AI websites. So we'll
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: see what happens.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: Excel viewer. Yeah. How'd I do?
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: That's pretty good.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. Scary. I'm not going to lie. I'm a
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: little lost for words there.
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: That's why I ended my speech early.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: I'm going to stop.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Sorry.
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: I was trying to just do background noise.
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: See, that was my problem earlier.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: I had too much background noise. Okay.
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: I'm all the way over here.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: I also found some stories. Whoa. And I don't know
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: how long it'll take to read them. Okay. But I
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: also just wanted to double check that I'm... You know,
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: like I said, I texted this guy earlier, and I said,
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: spiders are no spiders.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: And I said rude.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: He said rude, but that wasn't a yes or a no.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: They're supposed to be scary stories. Yes, it's fine. Okay.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to talk about it with my therapist.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: And I also found one that has to do with AI.
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: So it's funny you mentioned that. Great.
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: So would you like to start us off? Good, sir.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: Well, I was going to ask, like, How much time
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: do you think we'll have?
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: Well, how much time do you think you're going to need?
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: I don't know. Okay.
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: Hence why you're asking me live.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: I'm reading the story. Brother, go with the flow.
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: I can tell you, the three stories I have, they
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: are shorter, but I think that's because when I'm reading them,
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: obviously I can have a little fun with them.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: Mine is like a freaking, the first, the spider one
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: is long.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: Are we talking like an episode of Caillou, or are
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: we talking like a Harry Potter book?
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: It's not a Harry Potter book, but it's not an
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: episode of Caillou. It's got some paragraphs. Okay. Hey, you
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: know what?
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: Free will, man. We're adults. Free will.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's do it. Just do it. Okay, here I go.
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: What's the worst that can happen? I'm just going to
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: sit here and start screaming and crying and stuff like that,
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: but that's okay.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: All right. That's how I scream now. Caillou. Okay, sorry, go.
• 17:31
  Speaker 6: Ahead.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: My brother Caillou is different. Sorry. This one I have
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: heard before. And I thought about it. And I was like,
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: what's a spooky story from my friend? So I thought spiders.
• 17:48
  Speaker 6: Anyway.
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because I'm like a monologue writer.
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I mean, I'm not trying to make you
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: feel weird. Anyway, that's why I asked for clarity, and
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: if you were chill with it, because I care about
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: my friends. Daddy, chill. Daddy, chill.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: It's fine.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: It's just a little bug. Go ahead. Why is it
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: looking at me like that? Okay. My wife. All right. Sorry.
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: I'm going to read the story. This brings me back
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: to when we were doing Am I the Asshole? I
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: was literally going to say that. I was literally going
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: to say that. I swear to God.
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: It was like 50 episodes ago, 100 episodes ago. Well, actually,
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: if actually, no, I'm sorry.
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: Please continue. I got the Rolodex in my hand. I
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: have the Rolodex right here. All right. My wife underwent
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: exposure therapy to cure her arachnophobia, but it worked too well,
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: and now she's freaking me out. A typical Reddit horror
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: story title. I don't like spiders. I don't like it
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: when they bunch themselves up so their legs look like
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: tangled wires. And I don't like it when they spread
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: themselves out like the radical radial spokes on a wheel.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: It was bad luck that when I met my wife,
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: we discovered we were both scared of them. As the man,
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: I kind of just wound up taking over spider killing duty.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: At first, this meant squealing while trying to lob a
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: shoe at one of them from a distance. But as
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: the years went on, I kind of just got tired
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: of the stress and anxiety. Fear is exhausting. So is
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: the pageantry of it. Jumping up and shouting and lots
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: of running around. Over time, I found myself having less
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: and less of a fear reaction to them. Don't get
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: me wrong, I don't want one crawling in my face,
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: but it wasn't like they had me running away in
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: fear every time. Lily was never great with them either,
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: but it wasn't what I'd call worthy of therapy. For
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: the first ten years I knew her, she was a
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: fairly run-of-the-mill arachnophobe. Things only got bad after this one
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: night when we'd just come back from an evening with friends.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: There'd been a storm outside. Windy as hell. I remember
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: putting the keys down on the table by the door,
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: and when I looked back she was pulling down the
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: hood of her coat. She let out a sigh, ran
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: her hands through her hair, and she looked a little
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: puzzled by what she'd felt. When she lifted her hand away,
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: there was this thin black leg poking out from between
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: her fingers. Fuck that. It took a second for her
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: to react to what was all bunched up inside her
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: crumpled hand. Or cupped hand. Fuck, I can't read. That's
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: a bad episode to read. Then she screamed and threw
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: it on the ground. I saw it for only a second.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: It was so fast. Then it was off and under
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: the nearest door, and my number one concern became comforting
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: my wife, who was having a full-blown panic attack. Get
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: it off, get it off, get it off! She screamed
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: while slapping at her neck and hair. I hugged her tight,
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: checked her hair, and then checked it again when she
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: asked me to. Then she stripped her top off to
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: make sure nothing else was clinging to her clothes. All right. Okay,
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry. Before I took her into the kitchen. Before
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: I took her into the kitchen and we had a
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: cup of tea while she kept scratching at the back
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: of her head. Little fucker. She half cried, half laughed.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: I can't believe it. Did you see it? It was huge.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: One of the biggest yet, I said. One of the
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: biggest yet, I said. Truthfully, I only had a half-glimpse
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: memory of it scuttling away, but it had been big.
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: Large enough that a pint glass wouldn't fit over its
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: darting legs. Fuck that. Just seeing it had left me
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: feeling anxious, but at the time I ignored my own discomfort.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: After all, I'd hardly been the real victim. And it
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: got away, she cringed. Oh, God. It's still in this
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: house somewhere, isn't it? I wanted to lie, but thought
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: better of it. Somewhere, yeah, they said.
• 21:26
  Speaker 6: Dean.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: Sammy. Where's the spider? Where's the spider, Dean?
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: Damn it, Sammy!
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: Sammy! Sounds like Steve Austin more than Dean Winchester. You
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: got your spiders. What? One leg. What? Two legs.
• 21:43
  Speaker 6: You sit there with your $ 4. 99 haircut that you pay $ 4. 95
• 21:46
  Speaker 6: too much in your fucking Chevy.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: Go ahead. Sorry.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: What?
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: You got eight eyes. What? Eight legs.
• 21:54
  Speaker 4: What?
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: Spinning webs.
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: What?
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: Bit Peter Parker. What?
• 21:59
  Speaker 6: You want to sit there saying you're going to carry
• 22:01
  Speaker 6: on your wayward son? How about I carry on this
• 22:03
  Speaker 6: foot right up your ass?
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: That's funny. Thank you. Riffing off of both Supernatural and
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: spiders at the same time. It's crazy. We're too good
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: at this, I think. Oh, man. Sorry, continue. I'm going
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: to hang our jerseys up in the podcast rafters already.
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: Suck it, Cornette.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: And it got away, she cringed. Oh, God, it's still
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: in this house somewhere, isn't it? I wanted to lie,
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: but I thought better. Somewhere, yeah, I said. But we'll
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: spider-proof the bedroom tonight. I'll go looking in the morning.
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: How the fuck do you spider-proof a bedroom? I just
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: put down spider traps, of course. Thank you, she smiled mournfully. Jesus,
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: I just know I'm going to have a hard time
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: sleeping tonight. She made me strip the bed before she
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: got in it. And my boxers off my wires. Enough.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: And all night she kept flickering at her fringe and
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: the hair on the back of her neck. What is
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: flicking at her fringe? She got bangs? Is she one
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: of these mullet ladies? I felt so bad for her.
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: If that had been me, I can't say I would
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: have reacted much better. Neither of us slept that well,
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: but I was mostly just worried about her. When you
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: love someone, it's tough to see them suffer. But it
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: wasn't just that one night. The second one was much
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: the same. The third, fourth, and so on. It petered
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: out Damn. In the meantime, I was on hunting duty.
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: In her own words, I had to find the bastard
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: or she'd never feel safe in the house again. It's funny,
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: but in hindsight, I can't really say what I saw
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: go scuttling under the doorway that first night. But I
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: do know I didn't try all that hard to find it.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: I remember finding some webs under the living room sofa
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: that were real odd. The fibers were thick, like the
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: fake stuff they bring out for Halloween, and I had
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: to peel them off the carpet like Velcro. I found
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: a couple of these nests throughout the house, but I
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: never mentioned them. One of them had a hole in
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: the floor that really should have alarmed me, but I
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: just ignored it. I ignored a lot, actually. I found
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: dead mice spun up in cocoons, and something bore a
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: hole right through one of the kitchen cupboards and filled
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: it with silk. What the fuck? Nothing normal about that,
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: but I just covered it up with some cans and
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: moved on. A behavior I find hard to explain in hindsight.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: Maybe my attention was elsewhere. Lily wasn't in a great place,
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: and she was slowly getting worse. She cried a lot,
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: and any little thing that touched her skin would result
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: in lots of panicked yelling. She couldn't eat a meal
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: without slapping in her arms and neck every few seconds.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: Things got real bad when I came back one night
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: to find her shaving her head. The fuck? She told
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: me she got tired of mistaking the feeling of her
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: own hair for a spider, so this was the simplest
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: way to feel clean and safe. If you've ever lived
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: with anyone who's had a breakdown, there's usually this moment
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: where your heart sinks as you realize that what you're
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: dealing with has transcended the norm. It's quite frightening, actually.
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: It reminded me of when my mom found a lump.
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: It's a very isolating sort of fear. I remember lying
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: awake in bed that night and just thinking about how
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: I'd found Lily bent over the bath, shaver in hand,
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: with a patchy head like that doll from Toy Story.
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: First Disney reference of the episode. When she looked over
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: her shoulder at me, she smiled and her eyes were
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: so wide, I felt like I wasn't looking at my
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: wife anymore. Have you ever missed someone while you still
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: live with them? Made them coffee and breakfast and chatted
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: about your day? But it's like nobody's there. Everybody was
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: the same. Oh, fuck. All right. I was on a roll.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: Damn it. You're doing great. Every day was the same.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: I'd tell her about work, and she'd tell me about
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: how she'd scrubbed the bedroom top to bottom looking for
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: spiders or started pulling up the bathroom tiles to check
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: for nests. At one point, I realized she'd taken a
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: lot of time off work, but she wouldn't give me
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: a straight answer. So I had to call her office.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: They wouldn't even answer my calls, which I had to
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: take as a pretty bad sign.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: Hmm.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: It came as a relief when she got sectioned. Everything
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: came out all at once. She tried putting a hammer
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: to one of the walls to find what was behind it,
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: not realizing that it was just the neighbor's living room
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: on the other side. I was at work during all this,
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: but things clearly escalated pretty quickly and the police arrived
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: to find a partially bald woman screaming about spiders in
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: the walls. By the time I got home, they'd already
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: taken her to be assessed at the local hospital. I
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: rushed to visit her, but in the meantime, I had
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: to call her parents, and it was, well, it was
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: a relief because I wasn't alone anymore. Other people knew
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: what was going on, and that made it a little
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: easier for me to navigate. Until then, I'd been afraid
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: to mention it to anyone. I guess I was a
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: little embarrassed. Or maybe just not sure what the etiquette
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: was for discussing someone else's mental health. Anyway, she was
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: only gone about a night. Not even 12 hours, really.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: The neighbors agreed not to press charges if I paid
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: for all the repairs and Lily got therapy. Lily's parents
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: are quite well-off, so they helped us out with that.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: They found the clinic that she stayed at for a
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: couple of weeks. It specialized in exposure therapy, which really
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: just means getting a person used to their phobia. Don't
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: like water? Spend hours every day in a pool. Don't
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: like moths? Step into a room with thousands of them.
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: This is an oversimplification, of course, but it's a special
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: program that involves a gradual increase in the nature of
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: the exposure. The first night she called me and told
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: me they had her looking at pictures of spiders and
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: and talking about her experience. They were literally just cartoony drawings,
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: but she told me she found it hard anyway. She cried,
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: and I cried too. She was only a few hours'
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: drive away, but I didn't want to be away from her,
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: and everything had happened so suddenly. It was only six
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: weeks between that night with the storm and her ending
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: up in the clinic, but in that short period of time,
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: it felt like the ground had fallen from beneath my feet.
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: Two weeks she was in there. I don't remember them well.
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: There were phone calls every night. She was getting better,
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: she told me, and the doctor confirmed as much. Hard
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: going for sure. They had to sedate her the day
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: she graduated from cartoons to actual photos of spiders. Jesus. Apparently,
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: she scratched an orderly up pretty bad. My time in
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: the house was lonely. A little weird too, if I'm honest.
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: I woke up at one point with cobwebs in my hair.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: What's that? At some point, I realized that I hadn't
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: seen a spider in my home for a long time.
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: Not even a little money spider. I briefly wondered about
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: What the hell had been leaving cobwebs around the place
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: but never followed up on it? It's hard to get
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: my thoughts straight. I do remember finding more dead mice
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: all webbed up in the back of that kitchen cupboard.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: One morning, I came down to find a starling cocooned
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: on the outside of the kitchen window. No sign of
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: what did it, though. I just stared at it and
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: sipped my coffee. Then I left for work, and when
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: I came back, it was gone. That's probably not a
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: good time to tell you. I was diagnosed with a
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: kind of dementia some time ago. Ah, here we go.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: I guess that's supposed to help make sense of things, right?
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: I don't know. Doesn't feel like it makes sense to me.
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: It's not like Alzheimer's runs in my family. They say
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: the neurons of a human brain with Alzheimer's look like
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: a cobweb that's had holes poked in it. Oh, Jesus Christ.
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: That's a good way to describe how my mind feels
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: to live inside. Thoughts travel along a given route and
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: then just chop off. Lily's therapy progressed nicely though i
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: remember that quite clearly the phone call and the sound
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: of her voice real vivid jesus i missed her so
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: bad during this time i hate being overly sentimental but
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: it had been a tough and lonely six weeks and
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: hearing her sound increasingly happy and confident With each new
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: phone call was like a shot of pure happiness right
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: into my veins. I missed her and I wanted her back.
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, here we go. And when she told me,
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: giggling with joy, that she'd held a little spider on
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: day 10, I burst out crying right there. Right there
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: with her. Gross. Gross. Gay. Sorry. He says you're crying.
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: Fucking pussy. It's okay. I felt pride in her accomplishments.
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: I felt relief that things might be getting back on
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: track for us. Like the nightmare was finally going to
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: be over. It wasn't so simple when I saw her
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: in person. She came back looking like the war wounded.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: The fuck? I should say she looked beautiful, but I
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: want to be honest. I smiled when I saw her,
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: but It didn't reach my eyes because the woman who
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: got into the car looked a lifetime apart from the
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: woman who'd been living with me just a few months ago.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: She was thin as a rake, with ashy pallid skin
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: and a shaved head that made her look like a matchstick.
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: In her eyes, the look in them wasn't right. But
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: she was smiling, so I swallowed the funny feeling I
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: had in my stomach and pretended everything was okay. There
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: was no work for her to go back to, and
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: I managed to get some time off after speaking to
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: my boss. It was just us. What a nice day. Yeah,
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: you're a good guy.
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: You're a good guy.
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: Sorry, you got time off. I fucked you up. No, no.
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: My wife actually texts me. My wife. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh, fuck.
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: Give me a second, give me a second. Sorry. Sorry.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: Um, okay.
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: I was on edge. I didn't know what to expect. Oh, wait.
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: Speaking to my boss. It was just us, and that
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: can be a weird feeling for a couple used to
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: working 9 to 5. I was on edge. Didn't know
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: what to expect. She smiled a lot, tried her best
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: to reassure me, and asked a lot about what therapy
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: was like. And she told me it was fantastic. Showed
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: me photos of her sitting next to big house spiders,
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: some as white as her palm. Had to fight back
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: my own fear while looking at them. She told me
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: that was day 13, but when I asked what happened
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: on day 14, she said it was mostly just packing
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: up and saying goodbye. There's a dark and uncomfortable truth
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: to relationships, and it's that time only flows in one direction.
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: My wife hadn't done anything wrong, and I didn't really
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: feel any ill will towards her, but a distance had
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: been placed between us. All the best will in the
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: world couldn't undo it. She'd changed, been changed, I guess.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: At the time, I didn't know how to understand any
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: of it, but I wasn't sure how to treat her.
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: When I kissed her, it was on the cheek. When
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: I held her, it was like hugging a female co-worker.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: I didn't know what my own feelings were, and I
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: wouldn't until I found her one morning in the kitchen,
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: tapping away at a pint glass and giggling like a toddler.
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: It wasn't the light and airy laughter of the woman
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: I was used to. It was more like the laughter
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: of a bunch of kids egging on a fight or
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: cheering on a nasty bully. She didn't speak when she
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: looked at me. She just turned back to the glass
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: and kept laughing, flicking it gently. Sorry.
• 33:23
  Speaker 3: What'd you say? This is getting creepy now.
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: Sorry. She just turned back to the glass and kept laughing,
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: flicking it gently with her fingers. When I walked around
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: the table, I saw it under there. A very large
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: house spider. I didn't know what is normal for people
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: around the world, but a UK house spider is big
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: if its legs are wider than the palm of your hand. Yeah,
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: fuck that. This thing was even bigger... with legs bundled
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: up against the side of the glass like spools of
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: segmented wool. And seeing it made me jump way back.
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: No shit. I realized I hadn't seen another spider since
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: the night of the storm, and that thing, all curled
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: up with legs as thick as hairpins, was a real
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: shock to my system. I cried out, and my wife,
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: she started howling with laughter. I mean... It was like
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: a toddler discovering cartoons for the first time. Manic and
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: weird and just so fucking happy, but in a way
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: that was a little alien because I didn't understand the
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: thoughts and feelings that went into that ear-splitting cackle. And
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: it was all wrong coming from her. I waited for
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: her to say something, but she didn't. She just laughed
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: until something in her got tired and she slowly stopped giggling,
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: but she still didn't say anything even after she'd gone quiet.
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: In the end, it was me who broke the silence.
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: I didn't have a clue what to say. The whole time,
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: she was staring at me with her patchy hair and gleeful,
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: teary eyes, and I got so desperate to break the
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: standoff that I stammered out the words, He's a big one,
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: ain't he? What the fuck? Her face relaxed. Her shoulders slumped.
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: She slipped out of the crazy like it was only
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: ever an outfit. They'll get bigger, she said.
• 35:20
  Speaker 6: Oh, no.
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: What the fuck? What does that mean? What the fuck
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: does that mean? And then she lifted the glass, smashed
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: the spider up, and stuffed it into her mouth. What
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: the fuck? No! I didn't see it. Not fully, but
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: I stood frozen.
• 35:39
  Speaker 3: Oh, God, I'm gonna fucking throw up.
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: Fuck, dude. The hair on my arm just stood up.
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: Fuck that. Sorry, continue. I stood... frozen in terror, and
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: watched the muscles in her badly-shaven head tense and relax
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: as her jaw worked away, crunching at those hardened legs.
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: The fuck were they doing at that fucking hospital? Jesus Christ.
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: The sounds were bad enough, but when she was done,
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: she looked over her shoulder at me and smiled, and
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: her teeth were smeared green and black with little bits
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: of leg and chitin still stuck between the gums. This
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: is some obsession shit. Sorry. Sorry. I'm not entirely sure. Okay,
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: give me a second.
• 36:22
  Speaker 3: Sorry, that's my fault.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: You're good. No, you're good. You put the spider in
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: the fucking mouth. What the fuck is wrong with you?
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: What are you doing? Put that spider down. Put that
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: spider down. Now. Quit crunching on it. Actually, hold on.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: How big are we talking? Maybe a good source of protein.
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: I was going to do a protein link. Just like
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: Black Widow, I'm fast as fuck, boy. I'm fast as hell.
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: This suit is a little tight. How does she move
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: around in these things? This spider is crunching. I'm not.
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: Sorry. Let's see, we got a little bit. Oh my god.
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: This is fucking.
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: It's like parts that gets fucking creepy, then funny, then creepy,
• 37:12
  Speaker 3: then really fucking creepy, then funny.
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: Sorry. Go ahead. Are you good if I keep reading? Yeah, yeah,
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: go ahead. Go ahead. This is good.
• 37:18
  Speaker 3: I gotta hear all this fucking.
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, dude. Yeah, no.
• 37:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, don't finish the story, and then I gotta go,
• 37:23
  Speaker 3: where the fuck is.
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: That story on Reddit? And then she lifted the glass. Blah, blah, blah.
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: I'm not entirely sure what happened next, but now I
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: knew why it felt so different around her since she'd
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: come back. I was afraid of her. Like a kid...
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: around an abusive parent. I just didn't know what I
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: was going to get. There was always this energy in
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: the room that had me on edge. I'd sit there
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: watching TV, but I wasn't really watching. Couldn't have told
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: you what was on half the time. Instead, every ounce
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: of my being was focused on her. Every breath. Every motion.
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: When she got up to use the toilet, I watched
• 37:58
  Speaker 2: her intently to see what she was going to do. Bro,
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: that's gross. Let her do her business. She got the
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: door open. She got the door open, and she made
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: me watch. Um... Well, she took a big fat shit.
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: It says that in the story. What a clicky thing.
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: The fact that she rarely did anything except carry on
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: as normal was all the more unsettling because I knew
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: something was wrong and I couldn't stop remembering the way
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: she laughed with that thing under the glass. Nights were bad.
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: A lot of the time I'd wake up and get
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: the feeling she'd just been watching me but she was
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: usually fast asleep or at least that's how it looked.
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: Sometimes there was... Fertile movements like she just rolled over.
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: I got used to it. Thought it was probably just
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: in my head, but then one night I woke up
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: and she was right there, face inches away from mine.
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: I cried out. I couldn't help it. Shuffled backwards while
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: trying to avoid touching her and wound up falling off
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: the bed. When I looked up from the floor, she
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: had a completely blank expression. She was just looking at
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: me like a cat watches a fly. What are you doing?
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry. What are you doing? what are you doing
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: dean dean dean what are you doing i cried out
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: unable to stop the irritation from bleeding into my voice
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: she shrugged just watching then she rolled over like nothing
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: had happened that night i slept on the sofa she
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: didn't ask why didn't say a word as i grabbed
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: my things and left the bedroom i wasn't sure i
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: would manage to fall asleep after that but i did
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: and when i woke up i had cobwebs in my
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: hair gross oh that's not good all right i was
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: lucky if i slept more than a few hours a
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: night after that it came fitfully if at all i
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: woke up too many times to the feeling of something
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: tickling my face and chest A sensation like someone running
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: a feather over me. Every time I'd come to in
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: a panic, but I never found anything except nearly invisible silk.
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: Nearly invisible silk clinging to my skin. Life without sleep
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: was difficult, but I struggled to hide my dislike for Lily.
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: Over time, our habits and routines diverged even further apart.
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: I stopped going upstairs almost entirely. Just didn't need to.
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: I had work. And the sofa and the kitchen and
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: the days when I came back and barely saw Lily
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: at all were fine by me. I preferred being away
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: from her, something that kind of broke my heart, if
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: I'm being honest. There were times I wanted to reach out,
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: but looking at her gave me the funniest feeling in
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: my stomach. I didn't want to change things. I didn't
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: want to get closer. If anything, I wanted to run
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: away and I Don't mean that. I wanted to flee
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: my life and adult responsibilities in some abstract way. I mean,
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: I felt a powerful urge to quite literally run away
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: from her. It was horrible. She kind of sucks now.
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: She's like, totally sucks, bro. I'm really feeling like just
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: booking it. It was horrible. Hauling ass. Sorry. I gotta
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: get out. Like that movie. Get out. Whoa. That's deep, dude.
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: It kind of makes sense, actually. It was a horrible
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: feeling that way about my wife and just trying to
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: understand these emotions was enough to give me a headache
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: most days. He loves his wife, but she's like a
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: weird spider lady now. It's weird. It's hard, man. It's hard.
• 41:34
  Speaker 3: It's like she's turning into the spider man, but actually
• 41:37
  Speaker 3: the spider.
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: She's like the spider's man when Spider-Man was just made
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: of spiders. All right. Whoa, gross. Look it up. It's weird. Yeah,
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: it's gross. Don't see that in the Spider-Verse movies. Okay.
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: I became... Let's see.
• 41:56
  Speaker 3: You sound like a spider over there. And now I'm
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: going to go cry myself to sleep.
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: Sorry. Okay, here we go. Here we go. And action.
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: All right. I read all that. I became... I became
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: really forgetful during this time, and it was a long
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: time before I realized I'd forgotten to pay for the
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: repairs to the wall. I think it slipped my mind,
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: emphasis on think, because I don't remember what I have
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: and haven't forgotten. I just nailed some plywood over it
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: and left it, and three months later, one day, out
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: of the blue, it occurred to me I should probably
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: have done something more about it. I did find a
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: toolkit in the kitchen that wasn't mine. I might have
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: called someone out for a quote. I don't know. But
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: once I remembered that I'd never actually fixed the hole...
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: I was filled with this shame and embarrassment, and I
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: decided that the best thing to do was to face
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: it head-on and go apologize to my neighbor. I never
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: knew a lot about the guy. He was an older
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: man who liked his football, had a nose like a tomato,
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: and spent most nights in the pub. All right, we're
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: in the UK. That's why they say pub. Yes. I
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: knew he lived alone.
• 43:03
  Speaker 3: Let's not do that.
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: And there was no answer. It wasn't too strange. I
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: knew he lived alone. And when I knocked his door,
• 43:13
  Speaker 2: there was no answer. It wasn't too strange. At least,
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: it didn't seem out of the ordinary until I went
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: back inside my house and heard footsteps on the other
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: side of the wall. So I went back and I
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: knocked a couple more times, figuring he maybe hadn't heard me,
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: but there was still no answer. I found this weird.
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: He didn't seem like the kind of guy who would
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: avoid a neighbor he didn't like. He'd just open the
• 43:35
  Speaker 2: door and tell you to fuck off.
• 43:38
  Speaker 3: Fuck off, lad.
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: I went back and looked, but couldn't see anything through
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: his windows, and all I could see looking through his
• 43:45
  Speaker 2: letterbox was a gray sheet across the opening. When my
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: fingers came away, it was covered in a sticky thread. Oh, great. Gross.
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: Someone's been fucking this man. Okay, continue. I had this
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: terrible feeling in my stomach. I couldn't have possibly explained how,
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: but I was convinced that Lily had done something. After all,
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: it was him calling the police who'd gotten her in trouble,
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: but it wasn't like I could kick his door down
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: to check, and I wasn't going to go scrambling through
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: any half-open windows. Fortunately, we shared a fence. We're going
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: to do it. Fortunately, we shared a fence in the
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: back garden. It was easy enough to jump, and from there,
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: I'd check the windows on that side of the house.
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: He'd left the kitchen blinds open, and at first, what
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: I saw baffled me. For a moment, I wondered if
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: he was decorating because everything inside was covered by a thin,
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: translucent sheet. But I had only had to pay close
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: attention to realize that didn't make sense. When painting a ceiling,
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: you don't throw tarps over half-drunk cups of coffee and
• 44:50
  Speaker 2: plates of moldy food. Ew. And the material that covered
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: everything was cloudy and made of thread and obviously some
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: kind of silk. It took a lot of effort to
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: control the urge to just hop the fence back and
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: pretend like I never saw a damn thing, but if
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: he needed some kind of help, then I knew I
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: had to at least try. I looked briefly at the
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: stoop by the back door. There was a lighter on
• 45:12
  Speaker 2: the ground where someone had dropped it. It was strangely
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: conspicuous and made me think that whoever had left it
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: there had done so in a hurry. It didn't make
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: sense that someone would drop it there and not notice,
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: not unless they'd been otherwise occupied. I picked it up
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: and winced when it came from the floor with a
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: sticky tearing sound. It was covered in a barely visible
• 45:35
  Speaker 2: silky thread. God, I wanted that back door to be locked.
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: Couldn't think of anything worse than having to push ahead,
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: but I tried the handle and it went down. The
• 45:45
  Speaker 2: door popped open with barely any effort, and I got
• 45:48
  Speaker 2: a good look at how every last inch of that
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: place was covered in pale cobwebs that got thicker and
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: thicker and As my eyes drifted deeper inside the house,
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: I couldn't help but wonder if they were strong enough
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: to trap a person. Was my neighbor in there somewhere?
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: Somebody was. Let me go look. Yeah, let's go check
• 46:12
  Speaker 2: it out. I knew that much from the sounds I'd heard,
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: but I couldn't see him in the kitchen. I wanted
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: to cry out for him, maybe even go marching into
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: the house and look for myself, but the hallway out
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: of the kitchen had been turned into into a web-lined tunnel.
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: No straight lines, just a dark, silky womb whose rounded
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: funnel walls fluttered gently in the breeze. I stared intently
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: into that darkness, trying my best to see if there
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: was the shape of a man's corpse cocooned somewhere in
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: the pale white silk. I leaned forward, my head and
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: shoulders just moving past the doorframe, when the blackness in
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: the tunnel grew legs. Dark hair... Dark carapace and segmented
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: limbs exploded towards me so fast it was almost in
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: the kitchen before my heart had time to skip a beat,
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: and then it stopped halfway into the room, standing perfectly
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: still and brazen in the fading daylight. A bundle of
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: legs the size of a horse. A real-life monster. I
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: didn't move, Jesus Christ. It took me another minute just
• 47:17
  Speaker 2: for my brain to process what I was looking at
• 47:20
  Speaker 2: on a conscious level. My nervous system was quicker, sure.
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: It was like a blanket of disgust and terror was
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: thrown over me. My stomach plunged to the floor. My
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: skin crawled. My heart felt like it was going to explode,
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: but my actual mind was blank. White noise and static.
• 47:35
  Speaker 2: The creature was huge. So big. Huge. Damn it. I
• 47:42
  Speaker 2: knew it. As soon as I saw it on the page,
• 47:45
  Speaker 2: I was like, he's going to say it, or I'm
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: going to say it, but somebody's going to say it.
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: So big, its legs... could just about fit in the
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: hallway behind it, but in the kitchen, with a little
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: more room, those front limbs and mouthy feelers spread out
• 47:59
  Speaker 2: like tendrils and gripped the doorway.
• 48:02
  Speaker 3: The fucking Camarcus is this shit?
• 48:06
  Speaker 2: It was ready to pounce on whatever had sent disturbances
• 48:08
  Speaker 2: through its web. I've read that spiders can be a
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: little like Venus flytraps. They won't always pounce on a
• 48:14
  Speaker 2: single trigger. They need multiple hits. When I looked down
• 48:17
  Speaker 2: at my feet, I saw that I'd taken just one
• 48:20
  Speaker 2: step inside. but that was all it needed to be alerted.
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: Now it had approached the initial alarm and half blind,
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: it waited for another hint of something trapped inside of
• 48:28
  Speaker 2: its web. I had to wonder, would lifting my shoe count?
• 48:34
  Speaker 2: Did I have a choice? I couldn't stay there. No, no,
• 48:38
  Speaker 2: you didn't hear me. It doesn't count. No, go away.
• 48:41
  Speaker 2: Stop it. Look over there. I couldn't stay there. Looking
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: at the damn thing was bringing me closer and closer
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: to full-blown panic with every passing second. I had to
• 48:52
  Speaker 2: do something, and I had to do it with some
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: semblance of control. I slid my foot backwards. The spider
• 48:57
  Speaker 2: didn't move. As soon as both feet were outside, I
• 49:00
  Speaker 2: let go of the door handle and felt something sticky
• 49:02
  Speaker 2: detach from my palm. It feels like an exaggeration to
• 49:05
  Speaker 2: say that lightning moves slower. I'm not sure I have
• 49:09
  Speaker 2: the words to describe how fast it was. I'm sure
• 49:12
  Speaker 2: most of you have seen a nature documentary with one
• 49:15
  Speaker 2: of those fish... or maybe even a trapdoor spider, and
• 49:18
  Speaker 2: you thought, oh shit, that was cool. But this thing.
• 49:22
  Speaker 2: Maybe it was just because it was coming right at me.
• 49:24
  Speaker 2: I've never seen anything like it. Except for when videos
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: get edited. All of a sudden it was just there.
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: And before I knew it. Thick woolly paps were pinning
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: me to the ground. And I was looking into a
• 49:37
  Speaker 2: pink slit of a mouth framed by fangs as long
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: as my forearm. God damn it. Sorry. They moved independently
• 49:52
  Speaker 2: of each other and something about the sight of all
• 49:54
  Speaker 2: those wheel-spoked legs and segmented joints clumping together in its
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: thorax sent my mind reeling. I said at the beginning
• 50:02
  Speaker 2: of this that a lifetime of exposure had helped curb
• 50:05
  Speaker 2: my arachnophobia, but there are limits. I blacked out. As
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: anyone would. When I woke up.
• 50:19
  Speaker 2: When I woke up... Alright, here we go. When I
• 50:23
  Speaker 2: woke up, it was dark all around me. I didn't
• 50:26
  Speaker 2: know at the time, but the belly of the beast
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: was my neighbor's former living room. It wasn't actually pitch black,
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: but it did take a few terrifying minutes for my
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: eyes to adjust well enough just to be able to
• 50:36
  Speaker 2: see my own body stuck and wriggling beneath me. I
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: was wrapped up tight, and if you've ever heard the
• 50:43
  Speaker 2: refrain that spiders soak a stone in the steel and
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: doubted it, well, trust me, it's true. A few thin
• 50:47
  Speaker 2: threads doesn't give you a proper sense of it, but
• 50:50
  Speaker 2: I was wrapped in what must have been a half
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: inch of the stuff, and I felt like I was
• 50:54
  Speaker 2: wearing ten layers of lycra that was too small. There
• 50:58
  Speaker 2: was a tiny bit of give, enough to let me
• 51:00
  Speaker 2: move fingers or toes or even bend a knee just
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: a fraction, but that was it. It was horrifying. I'm
• 51:06
  Speaker 2: not exactly claustrophobic either for what it's worth, but given
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: the circumstances, I found myself panicking as I tried to
• 51:12
  Speaker 2: get some purchase. I kept thinking if I could get
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: a finger hooked into it, then maybe I could start
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: tearing away. I was desperate, but the more I fought,
• 51:21
  Speaker 2: the more I realized it was hopeless. The silk was
• 51:24
  Speaker 2: elastic and strong. and covered in a thick, stodgy glue
• 51:28
  Speaker 2: that only further limited my movement, and as everything I did,
• 51:31
  Speaker 2: spread it around until I was gumming my legs and
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: hands together. Been there. Been there, dude, brother. Since we've
• 51:44
  Speaker 2: gotten to this point in the story, let me ask,
• 51:49
  Speaker 2: what are your thoughts? Hold on one second. Do you have, like,
• 51:53
  Speaker 2: a notification thing on your computer?
• 51:54
  Speaker 3: Something keeps making a noise.
• 51:55
  Speaker 2: I don't know what it is. I haven't heard a noise, actually. Okay,
• 51:59
  Speaker 2: so it's something that... Wait, maybe... I hear, like, a.
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: I don't have any, um... Do you have any apps
• 52:07
  Speaker 2: open or anything like that? Or is it my email, maybe?
• 52:08
  Speaker 2: Let me close that. Yeah, I don't have any apps open.
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: Hold on.
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: Let me... Don't do that.
• 52:13
  Speaker 3: I almost closed out this fucking thing.
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: I don't want to do that. There we go. I
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: haven't heard anything, but let me turn down the volume.
• 52:18
  Speaker 3: No, I think, actually, I think it might have been
• 52:20
  Speaker 3: my Outlook, now that I'm looking at it.
• 52:22
  Speaker 2: Okay, sorry. You may continue. What did you ask me?
• 52:24
  Speaker 2: How do I feel? I mean, how do you feel?
• 52:27
  Speaker 2: What do you think of the story? It's getting fucking
• 52:32
  Speaker 2: creepy as shit now.
• 52:34
  Speaker 3: At first, it was like that funny part where it's like, oh,
• 52:37
  Speaker 3: that's fucking hilarious because I get a creep wave, but
• 52:38
  Speaker 3: now I'm like, what the fuck are we listening to?
• 52:40
  Speaker 2: Like, in a good way, though. It's pretty good, right? Yeah,
• 52:44
  Speaker 2: it's pretty good.
• 52:45
  Speaker 3: I'm a little terrified, but all right.
• 52:47
  Speaker 2: Just a little bit of terrified. A little bit.
• 52:48
  Speaker 3: I'm going to pee my pants later when I'm in
• 52:50
  Speaker 3: my bed, but go ahead.
• 52:51
  Speaker 2: I'm going to pee my pants, but on my own time. Yep.
• 52:53
  Speaker 2: On my own time.
• 52:54
  Speaker 3: I'm going to pee my pants while I'm not wearing pants.
• 52:58
  Speaker 2: I'll let you have that one with what you will.
• 53:01
  Speaker 2: That makes sense. That makes sense. Yes.
• 53:04
  Speaker 3: Oh, Chris Cross.
• 53:06
  Speaker 2: Excelsior. Chris Cross applesauce. Chris Cross applesauce and... I do
• 53:11
  Speaker 2: tell you, indeed. So can we hear the end of
• 53:13
  Speaker 2: the story now, please? Yes, yes, yes.
• 53:17
  Speaker 3: Stop making it sound like you're a spider, because now
• 53:19
  Speaker 3: I'm even more terrified.
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: Sorry.
• 53:22
  Speaker 3: No, you're not.
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: I'm going to say something really quick. I am still scared.
• 53:28
  Speaker 2: Don't be scared, my friend. Don't be scared. I'm here
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: for you. Hall. I'm here, right here.
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: Hall.
• 53:34
  Speaker 2: Hall. Hall. Okay. Sorry. You have a very special set
• 53:39
  Speaker 2: of skills. A special set of skills, including licking my own.
• 53:44
  Speaker 2: Never mind. And talking to spiders. Okay. Got to send
• 53:49
  Speaker 2: this in really quick to go to DoorDash. Sorry.
• 53:55
  Speaker 3: You're doing a DoorDash order in the middle of a
• 53:58
  Speaker 3: fucking scary story. My wife has to eat.
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: No, that's fair. No, that's fair. That's fair.
• 54:02
  Speaker 3: No, that's fair.
• 54:02
  Speaker 2: No, that's fair. We all got to eat. Available on pickup.
• 54:05
  Speaker 2: What the fuck? All right. Oh, you fucked up.
• 54:11
  Speaker 3: And not only did you fucked up, you said a
• 54:13
  Speaker 3: company name.
• 54:14
  Speaker 2: You fucked up. You fucked up. It's over. All right, fine. Okay. Okay. Okay.
• 54:21
  Speaker 2: All right. Gumming my legs and hands together. Been there.
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: Gross.
• 54:28
  Speaker 2: All right. It wasn't until exhaustion caught up to me
• 54:30
  Speaker 2: and I was forced to take a short break that
• 54:32
  Speaker 2: I realized I wasn't alone. There was another cocoon beside me.
• 54:35
  Speaker 2: My neighbor had been a big man in life. Paji, UK.
• 54:39
  Speaker 2: Paji with a large pot belly and a head like
• 54:41
  Speaker 2: a thumb. Damn. Putting this man on blast. But in
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: the dim light of that room, he looked like a
• 54:46
  Speaker 2: skeleton wrapped in skin that had been found half decayed
• 54:50
  Speaker 2: in an ancient and forgotten tomb. So thin and desiccated,
• 54:54
  Speaker 2: you could hook a finger under the tendons in his
• 54:56
  Speaker 2: neck and jaws. What the hell? I nearly cried when
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: I realized I'd risked everything to save a dead man,
• 55:04
  Speaker 2: but that wasn't actually true. The error in my thinking
• 55:07
  Speaker 2: became apparent when he opened his eyes and glared at
• 55:10
  Speaker 2: me with pure, unbridled terror. He opened his mouth and
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: I was convinced he was about to scream when instead
• 55:19
  Speaker 2: he coughed and gagged and something wet and brown dribbled
• 55:24
  Speaker 2: out of his mouth. It flopped down his chin and
• 55:28
  Speaker 2: chin and came to his gym it flopped on his
• 55:31
  Speaker 2: chin and came to rest on the floor between us
• 55:34
  Speaker 2: in there it resembled a hairband encased in bile and
• 55:43
  Speaker 2: vomit and i was momentarily stumbled stumped until i saw
• 55:48
  Speaker 2: a thin brown leg unfur from the tangled mess jesus
• 55:53
  Speaker 2: age it's okay My neighbor's entire body relaxed, his eyes
• 55:59
  Speaker 2: vacant and confused as Lily knelt down beside me and
• 56:02
  Speaker 2: stroked my head. Lily, you've got to get me. Shh,
• 56:07
  Speaker 2: she said, pressing a single finger to my lips. It's okay.
• 56:12
  Speaker 2: It's going to be okay. Behind her, a shadow appeared.
• 56:17
  Speaker 2: It had legs as thick as my wrist and they
• 56:19
  Speaker 2: reached from the floor to the ceiling. It won't be
• 56:23
  Speaker 2: much longer now. She added as the darkness behind her grew.
• 56:27
  Speaker 2: What the fuck? Probably best to just keep you here. Lily,
• 56:31
  Speaker 2: what the fuck? I told you they'd get bigger, she said.
• 56:39
  Speaker 2: My neighbor had just spat onto the floor. He won't
• 56:42
  Speaker 2: be any real help. She touched my neighbor's head, but
• 56:45
  Speaker 2: he barely responded. He just gazed vacantly as she rolled
• 56:49
  Speaker 2: him over so that he was facing away from me.
• 56:53
  Speaker 2: For such a clever animal, She added as she parted
• 56:56
  Speaker 2: his hair. I'm always curious about just how much you miss. What?
• 57:02
  Speaker 2: Something was clamped around the back of his head. A
• 57:05
  Speaker 2: throbbing bulb of mottled brown skin and hair. It looked
• 57:11
  Speaker 2: like a spider without the legs. A tick, maybe? That's
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: what I thought it was until my wife ran a
• 57:19
  Speaker 2: finger playfully along its back and my neighbor let out
• 57:22
  Speaker 2: a gut-wrenching squeal of pain. Slowly, the shape seemed to
• 57:27
  Speaker 2: wriggle and writhe, and a long, thin leg emerged from
• 57:31
  Speaker 2: beneath its body, and I realized I was looking at
• 57:35
  Speaker 2: a spider wrapped tight around his skull, its legs buried
• 57:39
  Speaker 2: beneath the skin and muscle of his scalp. Oy, oy, oy.
• 57:44
  Speaker 2: That's not good. Sorry, kids.
• 57:46
  Speaker 3: By the way, if you're listening to this, way ahead
• 57:48
  Speaker 3: in this podcast.
• 57:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we probably should have put some feelers out for
• 57:52
  Speaker 2: anybody that doesn't want to hear about spiders. I mean,
• 57:55
  Speaker 2: I did over text, but I guess we could have
• 57:56
  Speaker 2: formally been like, hey, content warning, there's spiders in this one. Continue.
• 58:02
  Speaker 2: All right. Everybody be on lookout for little legs, all right?
• 58:07
  Speaker 2: Be careful. There's a spooky time around here. All right.
• 58:13
  Speaker 2: For a moment, it playfully curled the leg in the
• 58:15
  Speaker 2: air before returning it to the incision and sliding it
• 58:17
  Speaker 2: back into place, every inch disappearing with a gruesome wet sound.
• 58:21
  Speaker 2: Been there before.
• 58:23
  Speaker 3: Um.
• 58:26
  Speaker 2: It displaced muscle and hair, and when it came to rest,
• 58:29
  Speaker 2: I realized just how misshapen his skull had become from
• 58:31
  Speaker 2: all those legs wrapped tight around his head. What the fuck?
• 58:35
  Speaker 2: I guessed. Do you ever find it weird that you
• 58:39
  Speaker 2: can't remember what it looked like? The thing that came
• 58:43
  Speaker 2: running out of her hand? She asked before reaching over
• 58:45
  Speaker 2: to stroke my head. Realize how it said her hand,
• 58:49
  Speaker 2: not my hand? What the fuck is going on? What
• 58:52
  Speaker 2: the fuck is this? Her hand came away covered in cobwebs.
• 58:57
  Speaker 2: Something about her touch revolted me. It sent strange shivers
• 59:01
  Speaker 2: coursing through my body. A deep primordial need to get
• 59:04
  Speaker 2: away came over me. me. That strange revulsion all over again,
• 59:13
  Speaker 2: the same one that had taunted me over and over
• 59:14
  Speaker 2: again over the last few weeks. Without even meaning to,
• 59:17
  Speaker 2: I found myself convulsing and panicking, my body trying to
• 59:21
  Speaker 2: thrash violently. But with every limb constricted by that silk,
• 59:24
  Speaker 2: I could do nothing except writhe around on the floor.
• 59:27
  Speaker 2: I tried with everything I had to move my hands...
• 59:30
  Speaker 2: to get some purchase on the silk and tear away
• 59:32
  Speaker 2: at it to free myself. But it was no use.
• 59:35
  Speaker 2: I could do nothing except glare at my wife. My wife?
• 59:39
  Speaker 2: And the enormous shadow behind her. The one that towered
• 59:43
  Speaker 2: above us both, its great legs clustering around the floor
• 59:47
  Speaker 2: and ceiling. At some point, I grabbed onto my trousers
• 59:51
  Speaker 2: and clenched my fist and felt something small and hard. Nice.
• 59:56
  Speaker 2: been there before a lighter a lighter oh it's a
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 2: lighter i knew there was great risk in using it
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 2: but i had no choice i managed to wear my
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 2: hands in the pocket and find it with my fumbling
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 2: fingers find it with my fumbling fingers my wife seemed
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 2: oddly aware of what i was doing and she seemed
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 2: to tilt her head like a curious dog as i
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 2: clenched my fist around the small object and used every
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 2: ounce of willpower i had left to fight the violent
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 2: seizures that racked my body and thumbed the trigger The
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 2: web went up in flames immediately. It must have been
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 2: the glue, but the flames exploded across the silk like
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 2: they'd been soaked in kerosene. Before I even realized that
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 2: it had weakened enough for me to free one arm,
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 2: the tongues of fire were already spreading across the floor
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 2: where they found my poor neighbor. The burning sensation that
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 2: crawled across my legs and chest hurt like nothing I
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 2: could imagine, but I was finally free. I rolled over
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 2: and began to push myself up, already desperately patting at
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 2: my body to try and put out the flames. When
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 2: I looked around me, my wife and the shape that
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 2: followed her were gone. For a moment, I considered helping
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 2: my neighbor, but his body thrashed too violently, and although
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 2: his eyes were wide open, spiders were pouring from his mouth,
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 2: and I could not summon the courage to take another
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 2: step towards him. All I could think of was escape.
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 3: What?
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 2: You're not going to save your brother in arms? Your
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 2: brother in spider legs? Nice. The house was going up
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 2: like a tinderbox. It wasn't far to the kitchen, but
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 2: the fire had already beat me there. Smoke billowed upwards
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 2: and trapped by the ceiling started to fill the air
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 2: with choking soot. The only escape was the back door,
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 2: and I stumbled towards it, but was stopped at the
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 2: last moment by the sight of my wife standing there.
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 2: You really are such a fascinating speed. I barreled past her.
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 2: But to my surprise, she offered no resistance. I merely
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 2: emerged into the open air, my lungs gasping desperately for
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 2: clean air as I collapsed onto long, unkempt grass. Grass? Grass.
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 2: Touched grass. I looked over my shoulder and saw orange
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 2: tongues of fire were already leaping out of the windows
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 2: on the upper floor. Left uncontrolled, the fire would rage
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 2: and consume the entire row of terrace houses. I felt
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 2: a moment of remorse, but there were already sirens in
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 2: the distance, so I knew someone had noticed and done
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 2: the right thing. But it wasn't over. Lily was sitting
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 2: on the fence. I don't know how she got up there,
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 2: but she looked completely undisturbed. I never once imagined that when...
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 2: I never once imagined that when the wind blew me
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 2: into your home, I'd find such an interesting pair of people.
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 2: What the fuck? What a fun mind to sink my
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 2: legs into. I really had no idea what I was
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 2: going to find. Let her go! I gasped. Do it now! Sammy! Sammy!
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 2: Let her go!
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 1: Dean!
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 2: Little spider, Dean! Let her go! I gasped. Leave my
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 2: wife alone! Please! I have, she said with a shrug.
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 2: I did, months ago, as a matter of fact. There
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 2: were some incompatibilities and it just made sense to move homes.
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 2: She pointed at me and smiled. I've enjoyed living inside
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 2: your head quite a bit. Struggling to make sense of
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 2: her words but still somehow aware of their terrifying implications,
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 2: I placed one hand on the back of my head
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 2: and felt it. Felt her. The mere touch was enough
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 2: to fill my mouth with a coppery taste while my
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 2: vision blurred at the edges. Something beneath my skin shifted
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 2: and I felt a terrible pressure behind my eyes. I
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 2: had to get rid of her and I only knew
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 2: of one weakness. Oh, well, she said as she watched
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 2: me fumble desperately for the lighter. Not every relationship has
• 1:03:55
  Speaker 2: to last forever to be meaningful. I lit my hair
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 2: on fire. My last memories were of heat and a
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 2: sudden release of pressure. I couldn't possibly describe it to you.
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 2: Not really. Something slid out of my skull and Lily
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 2: waved at me from the fence before she seemed to
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 2: blink out of existence. And then nothing happened. Not even darkness,
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 2: just total absence. I wouldn't regain a sense of self
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 2: until the hospital several weeks later. There was nothing left
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 2: of either house, but they did manage to control the
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 2: fire before it spread to the others. I'm sure there
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 2: was still some damage, and to this day I feel
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 2: guilty about it. I think I was charged with arson,
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 2: maybe more. I have vague memories of being wheeled into
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 2: a courtroom. The doctors have... agonized over me for a
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 2: long time. And one mentioned amateur trepanation. He said I
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 2: must have practiced it on my wife, at least based
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 2: on the body they found in my neighbor's house. But
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 2: I can't really be sure of anything. I'm forever dipping
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 2: in and out of reality. Writing this down has been difficult.
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 2: I'm not entirely aware where I am right now. One
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 2: doctor told me I might have some kind of recovery.
• 1:05:16
  Speaker 2: if it was just normal brain damage, but he'd never
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 2: seen anything like it, so he couldn't be sure. Feels
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 2: like it's a different doctor every time I see them.
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 2: Then again, I don't always recognize myself when I look
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 2: in the mirror. Of course, that couldn't just be the burns,
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 2: but I reckon even then I still look a fair
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 2: bit older than I should. There's one orderly who'd stuck
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 2: around long enough to get to know me. He knows
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 2: me by name, smiles a lot when he sees me,
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 2: talks to me about all sorts of things. He seems
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 2: genuinely interested in me and what I remember. I called
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 2: him in once to get rid of a spider that
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 2: had spun a web on the window outside, and he
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 2: did so with a warm smile. I told him I
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 2: was deathly afraid of them, and he said he already
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 2: knew that, but I shouldn't worry because he was going
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 2: to keep an eye on me and make sure nothing
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 2: bad happened. I'm glad he's around. Ever since he started
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 2: working here, I haven't seen many of the nasty little
• 1:06:13
  Speaker 2: things hanging around my room. I guess he's not that
• 1:06:16
  Speaker 2: bothered by them. At least, not if the cobwebs in
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 2: his hair are anything to go by. That is the end.
• 1:06:26
  Speaker 3: Well, that was fucking great.
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 2: That is by Christian Wallace. And one hell of a story. Yeah,
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 2: that's a pretty fucking weird story, but a good one.
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 2: Spiders that take over your fucking mind.
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 6: Ew.
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 2: And then we find out that the wife wasn't even
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 2: really there for most of that. Brother, ugh. Brother, no. Brother, stop. Brother, ugh.
• 1:06:50
  Speaker 2: And then the way he describes the size of that
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 2: spider with legs as big as a horse, you gotta
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 2: be shitting me. Yeah, fuck that shit.
• 1:06:56
  Speaker 3: I'm out.
• 1:06:56
  Speaker 2: Fuck that. Oh, my God. I love the way he
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 2: describes how fast it is, too.
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that was, like, I'm not gonna, like, literally, you know,
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 3: the reason when the hair on, like, your legs and
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 3: arms are standing up at the same time?
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 2: So, Good stuff. I'm glad you liked it. I did.
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 3: Now, I got one for you.
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 2: You ready? All right. All right. It's short. I heard that. No,
• 1:07:22
  Speaker 2: it's short. So, this comes via the fat mistake. Are
• 1:07:28
  Speaker 2: you ready? The fat mistake.
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 3: It's not the same as the title. That's where it
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 3: came from.
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 3: It is titled, The last man on earth sat alone
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 3: in a room. There was a knock on the door.
• 1:07:48
  Speaker 3: The man froze in his chair, clenching the armrests, terrified
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 3: by a sound that was once mundane to him. A
• 1:07:59
  Speaker 3: little louder this time, and so became the thumping in
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 3: his chest. His eyes began to water up. And he
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 3: knew this was the end. They finally come for him.
• 1:08:10
  Speaker 3: And all he could do was close his eyes and wait.
• 1:08:19
  Speaker 3: But the knocking just continued. It continued for what felt
• 1:08:22
  Speaker 3: like ages to the petrified man. But then finally, the
• 1:08:26
  Speaker 3: knocking stopped. And there was only silence. Susan gives up
• 1:08:30
  Speaker 3: knocking and bursts into tears. She's the last woman on earth,
• 1:08:32
  Speaker 3: and she still gets rejected.
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 2: Okay. Damn, Susan. Fuck. That's a horror story for Susan.
• 1:08:41
  Speaker 2: Thank you. All right.
• 1:08:42
  Speaker 1: That was great, actually.
• 1:08:44
  Speaker 2: Nicely done. Nicely done. When I read that, I'm like,
• 1:08:47
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to get the punch, and I'm like, oh.
• 1:08:53
  Speaker 2: This is the last man, but there's plenty of ladies. Hey, now. Oh, man. So.
• 1:09:01
  Speaker 3: Okay um this next wait hold on let me see
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 3: for the sake of time okay we need one more
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 3: okay this one's a little bit longer but not as
• 1:09:07
  Speaker 3: long okay uh let me see if i find my
• 1:09:09
  Speaker 3: part yep yep okay thanks right here okay.
• 1:09:13
  Speaker 2: This story is titled welcome welcome What?
• 1:09:21
  Speaker 3: You're no stranger to blood written on the walls. But
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 3: this is certainly a first. In all your time as
• 1:09:28
  Speaker 3: a hunter, Sam.
• 1:09:29
  Speaker 2: No, there's no Sam.
• 1:09:31
  Speaker 3: In all your time as a hunter, you've seen things
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 3: like leave me alone, turn back, quarantine. Heck, one ghost
• 1:09:39
  Speaker 3: even tried writing no ghosts here. That one was pretty funny,
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 3: though ineffectual in the end.
• 1:09:46
  Speaker 2: Wow, ineffectual. Big writer.
• 1:09:48
  Speaker 3: You've never been welcomed by a spirit before. It's unheard of,
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 3: especially if you wear the uniform of a hunter. But
• 1:09:54
  Speaker 3: there it is, in all bone-chilling glory.
• 1:09:57
  Speaker 2: Welcome.
• 1:09:59
  Speaker 3: For the first time in a long time, you decide
• 1:10:02
  Speaker 3: to turn back. The door slams shut to keep you in. Usually,
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 3: you're able to stay calm. After all, afraid is one
• 1:10:11
  Speaker 3: of the worst things to be in the face of
• 1:10:12
  Speaker 3: an aggressive ghost. The room gets colder. For the first
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 3: time in a long time, that creeping sensation at the
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 3: base of your skull starts to give way to fear.
• 1:10:24
  Speaker 3: Not itchy like a leg scratching you, but just creepy sensation.
• 1:10:27
  Speaker 2: The spiders were the last story, yeah. No spiders in
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 2: this story. This one's ghosts.
• 1:10:31
  Speaker 3: And for the sake of it, also, there were no
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 3: spiders actually harmed in Patrick's story.
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 2: Why would they want you to be here?
• 1:10:38
  Speaker 3: They know what a hunter means. Every ghost does. Or
• 1:10:42
  Speaker 3: at least everyone you've met or encountered. You being here
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 3: means they're going to get painfully ripped away from their
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 3: internal post. And probably they're going to end up in hell.
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 3: But nobody wants that.
• 1:10:54
  Speaker 2: So why welcome?
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 3: Your breath gets quicker and shallower as you fumble with
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 3: the controls on your goggles. Hands shaking as your imagination
• 1:11:03
  Speaker 3: comes up with all the worst reasons a ghost might
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 3: welcome a hunter. The foyer of this decrepit mansion is
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 3: in a wash in a red as the eyewear comes online.
• 1:11:13
  Speaker 3: You realize your imagination was lacking.
• 1:11:16
  Speaker 2: We got some tech in this one.
• 1:11:18
  Speaker 3: Terror grips your chest as you turn and slam yourself
• 1:11:21
  Speaker 3: against a door, trying desperately to undo the latch, yanking
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 3: on the handle, but it won't budge. You turn the
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 3: run into another room to try and break out of
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 3: the window. A resounding chorus of doors slams shut.
• 1:11:32
  Speaker 2: This is the end.
• 1:11:32
  Speaker 3: Around you, an army of ghosts close in.
• 1:11:35
  Speaker 2: Oh, fuck. They're all wearing your uniform. The end. What?
• 1:11:42
  Speaker 2: You were the ghost the whole time. Got your ass.
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 2: All the hunters are dead.
• 1:11:50
  Speaker 3: All my friends are dead.
• 1:11:53
  Speaker 2: All my friends are dead. All the hunters became the hunted.
• 1:11:58
  Speaker 2: The hunted became the hunters. What? That's crazy. Oh, fuck.
• 1:12:06
  Speaker 2: Your story was fucking creepy as shit. Mine had I'm
• 1:12:10
  Speaker 2: as long as fuck. It took like over an hour
• 1:12:12
  Speaker 2: to read it. That's fine. It was good.
• 1:12:13
  Speaker 3: We have, we provided comedy and suspense and commentary.
• 1:12:17
  Speaker 2: I've got, um, a three set, three sentence horror movie.
• 1:12:22
  Speaker 3: Three sentence horror movie.
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 3: We can end with this one.
• 1:12:25
  Speaker 2: Give it to me. Oh, this one's titled. Damn. Go ahead.
• 1:12:37
  Speaker 2: This one's kind of sad. I saw the title. I
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 2: thought it'd be better. Oh, fuck. I thought it was
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 2: going to be funny. It's not even scary. Oh, okay.
• 1:12:44
  Speaker 2: Go ahead. It's 11.53 p.m. I meet an ice cream
• 1:12:48
  Speaker 2: in my underwear. You're living your best life with your
• 1:12:51
  Speaker 2: new husband. I know. It's not a horror story. It's
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 2: the guy who said it. That's the horror. I don't know.
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to find a good one. This one's called
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 2: He's Coming. You better watch out. You better not cry.
• 1:13:12
  Speaker 2: You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Claus
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 2: is coming to town.
• 1:13:21
  Speaker 3: And on that note, I am your favorite barber.
• 1:13:24
  Speaker 2: My vibrator boat.
• 1:13:25
  Speaker 3: I am your favorite barber host. Whatever the hell you
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 3: want to call me, Chuck. That's OG Patron. You can
• 1:13:33
  Speaker 3: find us on your socials at Chuck's Cantina. Or find
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 3: me at Chuck's Cantina. or ChuckScantina at gmail.com. I really
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 3: appreciate everyone.
• 1:13:43
  Speaker 2: Listening to this episode.
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 3: If you have any comments, concerns, or if you enjoy
• 1:13:47
  Speaker 3: these scary stories, please feel free to contact me, and
• 1:13:49
  Speaker 3: we can discuss things further. Or if you just want
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 3: to say hello, reach out to me on there, or
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 3: on socials, gmail, or Podmatch. Yes, I actually do respond
• 1:13:55
  Speaker 3: to people on Podmatch. I apologize to all of you
• 1:13:57
  Speaker 3: who are waiting for me.
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, please don't hurt me. Be nice to me.
• 1:14:04
  Speaker 3: And on that note, do you have anything you would
• 1:14:05
  Speaker 3: like to add before we end this.
• 1:14:10
  Speaker 2: Only that my aunt's wine is hidden in her closet.
• 1:14:12
  Speaker 2: It tasted like metal. No wonder it was hidden. Who
• 1:14:14
  Speaker 2: would like that flavor? She's a vampire. Get out of there.
• 1:14:20
  Speaker 2: Watch a spooky movie and don't be too scared. I
• 1:14:26
  Speaker 2: just need to say this really quick. Okay, there's one thing.
• 1:14:28
  Speaker 3: So the other night, my wife and I, we actually watched,
• 1:14:31
  Speaker 3: and I don't know if she's ever actually watched it.
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 3: We watched the classic Bela Lugosi's 1931 Dracula.
• 1:14:37
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 3: And she literally asked me because it's one of those
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 3: things where, and again, it's like, when I was like funny,
• 1:14:42
  Speaker 3: like little, like I'm sure like in the thirties, they,
• 1:14:44
  Speaker 3: they thought I was like fucking terrifying, like Indy Navarrete
• 1:14:47
  Speaker 3: and fucking obsession today.
• 1:14:48
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Or some shit like that.
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 3: But she literally said, Babe, how many days do you
• 1:14:53
  Speaker 3: think they took to film just the close-up shots?
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 2: What do you mean?
• 1:14:56
  Speaker 3: The close-up shots where it's just Bela Lugosi's face lit
• 1:14:59
  Speaker 3: up where he's like... Because literally, there's multiple times where
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 3: it's literally the same background, but it's just different angles
• 1:15:07
  Speaker 3: of him just doing the fucking calm face.
• 1:15:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Oh, my God.
• 1:15:15
  Speaker 3: But on that note, thank you for joining us this week.
• 1:15:17
  Speaker 2: Happy Halloween.
• 1:15:18
  Speaker 3: To all of you who are listening, like I said,
• 1:15:20
  Speaker 3: if you've had anything to drink like a certain patron
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 3: had tonight, please be smart. Please be safe.
• 1:15:24
  Speaker 2: Call Rideshare. Call a friend. I didn't actually drink that.
• 1:15:29
  Speaker 3: If you see a spider, run for your fucking life. Otherwise,
• 1:15:33
  Speaker 3: if you're going out this weekend, be smart.
• 1:15:34
  Speaker 2: Be safe.
• 1:15:35
  Speaker 3: Obviously, if you get candy, have your parents check it
• 1:15:37
  Speaker 3: before you eat it. Otherwise, yeah, thank you very much.
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 3: Happy Halloween, and have fun on.
• 1:15:42
  Speaker 2: All Hallows' Eve, the Halloween episode.
• 1:15:46
  Speaker 6: I can't think of how to fucking end this shit.
• 1:15:50
  Speaker 3: Oh, here it is. In a fight of all of them,
• 1:15:53
  Speaker 3: let's see. Michael Myers gets his ass kicked. Jason would win,
• 1:15:58
  Speaker 3: but he's a mama's boy, so he loses the last second.
• 1:16:00
  Speaker 3: So I'm going to go with the....
• 1:16:07
  Speaker 2: I can't think. Oh, you know what? Ash wins in
• 1:16:09
  Speaker 2: the end.
• 1:16:09
  Speaker 3: Ha ha.
• 1:16:09
  Speaker 2: There you go. I think the girl from Obsession would win, actually.
• 1:16:12
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 1:16:17
  Speaker 2: Everybody would be like, I'm good. You win. That's one crazy.
• 1:16:23
  Speaker 3: Even Freddy.
• 1:16:24
  Speaker 2: Quit standing there in the corner. Freddy Krueger would be like,
• 1:16:26
  Speaker 2: that's one crazy bitch. Okay.