Latest / Let Me Claire-ify / Defaut Setting

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Defaut Setting · Let Me Claire-ify

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: What if the version of you showing up every day isn't really you?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a setting that no one told you you could change.
• 0:10
  And what if the scariest part about that is you've gotten so
• 0:13
  comfortable there you
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: stop noticing?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: If that's you, stay tuned.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Let Me Clarify.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Let Me Clarify is a podcast where I,
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: your host Claire,
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: takes a topic or an idea and I pause long enough to illuminate it.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or dare I say, clarify.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're talking about default settings.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: So what is a default setting?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: When I first think about it,
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I work in the tech space,
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: default settings,
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think about a laptop or computer,
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: and it's something that's pre-configured.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: So
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: To define default settings,
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: if you think about it in a technological sense,
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: I looked at the definition and Lenovo,
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: which is a computer or tech company,
• 1:00
  they define default settings as a preset configuration or value
• 1:05
  applied to a
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: device.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: When we think about default settings in a human aspect,
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: in a behavioral aspect,
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I am going to use the definition we see in Urban Dictionary.
• 1:18
  Urban Dictionary defines default setting as resorting to using
• 1:24
  old habits or a way
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: of acting to deal with a person or situation.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if I have to be honest with you guys,
• 1:34
  I've been MIA from this podcast because I found myself
• 1:40
  reverting back to my default
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: setting.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to tell you something that I really don't like admitting.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that is my default is I am a very negative person.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm extremely judgmental and I'm very fearful.
• 2:01
  which I know is probably hard to if you don't really know me
• 2:04
  you're probably like
• 2:06
  no way that's you but yeah that that's literally me in my
• 2:10
  recent past I've been
• 2:11
  very negative I've been very judgmental very defensive very
• 2:15
  much in a survival mode
• 2:18
  and in what I thought was a phase of my life I'm realizing is
• 2:23
  now a default it's if
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: I do not make the
• 2:27
  actionable steps to fight against that I fall victim victim to
• 2:32
  my default and this
• 2:34
  has not always been the case if you knew me prior I would say
• 2:39
  prior to college
• 2:40
  because I think that's where it really went downhill for me but
• 2:42
  if you knew me
• 2:43
  prior to college I used to be a very jovial happy person super
• 2:48
  optimistic and I
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: think deep down I'm still there but it's definitely clouded by the
• 2:56
  a lot of hurt a lot of pain that I've internalized into anger
• 2:59
  and I find myself
• 3:02
  when I'm not making a conscious effort to go against my
• 3:08
  negative feelings I find
• 3:10
  myself falling right back into the default so the reason I've
• 3:13
  been MIA is because
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I just needed a break.
• 3:18
  A lot happened in my life and I just was tumbling downhill into
• 3:23
  this negative space.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: If we go back to my first episode, it was the top of the year.
• 3:29
  I'm talking about personal mantras because I'm like,
• 3:31
  I really want to make 2026 my year.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And believe me, I still think I can do that.
• 3:36
  But I also had to take a break,
• 3:38
  take a pause to understand that what I was doing wasn't
• 3:43
  working.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: In my first episode, I explored the idea of mantras.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: What is your mantra to get you going?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: To keep you motivated?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or just to get you in check when you feel these moments?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And my mantra was quit being a loser.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I still believe in this mantra because it's going to check me.
• 4:03
  Because what I talked about in the first episode is loser
• 4:06
  mentality is somebody who
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: is boggled down by their fears.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Who's letting fear and maybe...
• 4:14
  the lack of vulnerability because that's what I struggle with
• 4:16
  all those different
• 4:17
  things dictate their future so my little snap out was like girl
• 4:21
  that's loser
• 4:21
  behavior if you're moving in fear that's loser behavior and I
• 4:29
  don't want to say I'm
• 4:30
  rethinking it because I did get a lot of pushback with the
• 4:33
  mantra people are like
• 4:34
  words are powerful you shouldn't speak negatively of yourself
• 4:38
  or talk down to
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: yourself to me
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think maybe I should rethink it.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I never saw it as a negative sentiment.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I saw it as this is empowering.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Catch yourself from the things that are preventing you from progressing.
• 4:53
  And I remember in that first episode,
• 4:54
  I was very happy,
• 4:56
  very psyched and ready to go.
• 4:59
  and I said at the end I said I'm very fearful I'm very scared
• 5:03
  of going back into
• 5:05
  that negative space going back into that dark space because I
• 5:10
  feel like for me I
• 5:12
  have really high highs where I'm super happy super motivated or
• 5:17
  not even motivated
• 5:18
  even committed like when I'm not motivated I'm still gonna work
• 5:22
  out I'm still going
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: to do all these things and then slowly
• 5:28
  I realize me going back into a negative space it's not like it
• 5:34
  just hits me it
• 5:35
  slowly creeps in and for the past few months I've just had
• 5:40
  small things slowly
• 5:41
  creep in to where it just has switched my mindset from where I
• 5:47
  felt resilient and I
• 5:48
  was like I'm gonna still fight against this I slowly felt
• 5:52
  myself crawling back into
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: that dark hole
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if any of you feel the same that I feel,
• 5:59
  but when I feel this negativity or when I'm immersed in this
• 6:07
  negative cloud,
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: everything becomes so difficult.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Everything that I used to do is just so much harder.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I recently moved to this new state and I was trying to be optimistic,
• 6:20
  going out there and meeting friends and really taking my
• 6:23
  mindset and changing my
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: perspective.
• 6:26
  I talked about how I went or I've been trying to do the speed
• 6:29
  dating event and two
• 6:30
  times it was cancelled and I travel all the way to Seattle and
• 6:33
  I live an hour away
• 6:35
  and I was still like it's okay I'm gonna make the most of it
• 6:38
  I'm gonna make the
• 6:38
  most of it and then I just really don't know what happened to
• 6:42
  me I really don't so
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: I slowly found myself just being
• 6:47
  ice like self isolating like just telling myself all these
• 6:50
  negative things that I
• 6:51
  used to that I used to say and I said I'm never gonna say that
• 6:54
  and here I am saying
• 6:55
  again oh my gosh Claire you're so stupid oh you're never gonna
• 6:59
  do this or why
• 7:01
  bother all these horrible things so I think I had to realize
• 7:07
  because I think
• 7:10
  and forgive me for assuming or saying this about myself but I
• 7:14
  think I'm a very
• 7:14
  self-aware person I'm for the most yeah I'm for the most part
• 7:17
  aware of who I am or
• 7:20
  how I'm perceived but awareness only goes so far and I think a
• 7:25
  lot of people in my
• 7:26
  life are like at least you're aware of that at least you're
• 7:28
  cognizant of that
• 7:30
  awareness only goes so far I now I'm moving into the space
• 7:34
  where I want to
• 7:38
  be better than my default I want to find those actionable steps
• 7:43
  to combat or maybe
• 7:45
  proactively prevent myself going in the downhole because I know
• 7:50
  I have some very
• 7:51
  bad character flaws one of them if I'm being completely honest
• 7:55
  and having this
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: transparency moment is that I have a really bad temper and
• 8:04
  yeah it's ooh it's bad and sometimes it causes me I see red and
• 8:10
  then I just I just
• 8:15
  go off and I realize that girl 30 is approaching and I really
• 8:19
  want to get my
• 8:20
  emotions in check because I don't want to be that person that
• 8:23
  just continually sees
• 8:24
  people as their enemy continually is in a survival mode and
• 8:29
  then I unleash attacks
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: that I can't take back
• 8:34
  So I really need to figure out what can I do to get this
• 8:39
  emotional regularity and
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: how can I prevent myself from going into this negative headspace?
• 8:47
  How can I work against my default because some people's
• 8:51
  defaults are very happy and
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: it's great for them to revert back to it.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: My default is doing me no favors whatsoever.
• 9:00
  so in preparation for this episode I went looking for answers I
• 9:04
  am a research girl
• 9:05
  I'm always on google looking up things and what I found was
• 9:11
  bigger than I expected
• 9:12
  it really first started with me doing a lot of self-reflection
• 9:17
  and in that
• 9:19
  reflection I had to sit down with myself and understand what is
• 9:23
  the cost of my
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: default what does my default cost me
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: or what has my default caused me to miss out on?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And there's maybe three,
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: four main points in my life or yes,
• 9:38
  three to four main areas in my life where I feel like my
• 9:41
  default has cost me
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: tremendously.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: The first is my professional status.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: I, and this is not me being well with me.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is me really being honest.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm being honest with myself, my default
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yes,
• 9:57
  it's negative It's also that of a defeatist mindset I tend to
• 10:01
  ruminate I ruminate
• 10:03
  in negativity Which is draining for those around me And
• 10:09
  recently Actually today I
• 10:11
  was scrolling on TikTok And I saw this TikTok of Rico Nasty
• 10:15
  She's a Taurus like
• 10:16
  myself And she was saying I'm a Taurus and I really believe
• 10:20
  everybody hates me I
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: struggle with being comfortable Because my mindset My ego
• 10:27
  is that everyone hates me and I could relate 100% because I
• 10:31
  think I also move in
• 10:33
  that same mindset I really believe when I'm in my default when
• 10:38
  I'm in my if they
• 10:39
  say lower self I feel like everyone hates me I feel like
• 10:44
  everyone's against me and
• 10:45
  I'm on a survival mode and I'm like pal like hitting before
• 10:49
  other people hit me and
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: that's just not a healthy way to live
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Claire Mayani claire
• 11:20
  so I had to understand pause and reflect what is my default
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  costing me I said
• 11:27
  professionally I'm stagnant I tend to count myself out before
• 11:32
  giving myself the
• 11:34
  opportunity or the chance so let's say I find a job offer that
• 11:38
  I'm like oh my gosh
• 11:39
  I think I'll be great at this I will read the description and
• 11:42
  maybe one or two
• 11:43
  things I don't have and I'm like okay they're not gonna hire me
• 11:46
  there's there's no
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: bother in trying you
• 11:50
  And I know for a fact that it has prevented me from a lot of
• 11:55
  opportunities.
• 11:55
  It's prevented me from maybe venturing out of the space that
• 11:59
  I'm in because I don't
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: believe that will be there for me.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then I see those,
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: my contemporaries,
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: my,
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: like I sound like an over-sinsane contemporaries,
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: but I see people who,
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: like my
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my contemporaries, I don't know other word to say.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: I see them surpassing me professionally.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: I see them doing what they want to do.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just stagnant.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to say that I'm jealous.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so happy for them.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: But and there's no but I'm very happy for them.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just want that for myself as well.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I realized if I stay in this default, it's not going to happen.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Another area where I feel like my default has costed me is
• 12:45
  my the I don't know how do I say this is the area of romance I
• 12:52
  have encountered a
• 12:52
  lot of shitty people but in the same breath I've also
• 12:56
  encountered a lot of great
• 12:58
  people and I've encountered a lot of people who are so willing
• 13:01
  to to I don't want
• 13:04
  to say love me because I don't know if we got there but willing
• 13:06
  to see me willing
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: to understand me and grow in a connection and
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: And because I'm in this negative mindset,
• 13:15
  I really believe romantically that people don't like me and
• 13:19
  that I'm just not an
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: attractive person.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: So because of those negative mindsets,
• 13:23
  I push people away and I just tend to ruin budding connections
• 13:29
  because I'm like,
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: okay,
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm calculating like this is not going to work out.
• 13:33
  And when is this person going to break up with me or this
• 13:35
  person's not going to like me anymore.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm already
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm already thinking about the demise before anything even starts.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: I got to figure that out.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then thirdly, my default has affected me socially.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because like Rico said,
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: like I agree with her,
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: when you believe that everybody hates you,
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: you struggle with vulnerability.
• 14:01
  You struggle with feeling comfortable around somebody and
• 14:03
  you're always walking
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: around with one eye open.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're like always on the defense.
• 14:08
  and I'm thinking about somebody that used to be in my life and
• 14:14
  I this person would
• 14:16
  always fight against me always fight against me and I would
• 14:18
  tell him let me say I'm
• 14:20
  not your enemy I'm not your enemy and here I am finding myself
• 14:26
  doing the same thing
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Claire Mayani claire
• 14:58
  I don't want to say yeah maybe I will let's be real keep it
• 15:01
  real right I think that
• 15:03
  I'm very egotistical in the sense that I tend to over
• 15:07
  exaggerate or overestimate my
• 15:09
  importance in people's lives ruminating about things oh my gosh
• 15:13
  I should have done
• 15:13
  this and now they're gonna hate me and what what because if I
• 15:17
  think about my life I
• 15:19
  don't obsess about people in the same way maybe they will upset
• 15:22
  me and something
• 15:24
  Am I gonna let it affect my entire life no so why do I think
• 15:28
  that I'm that
• 15:29
  important other people's lives get it together Claire so in
• 15:34
  this reflection I've
• 15:36
  realized that I've abandoned myself and I've abandoned all the
• 15:42
  things that I like
• 15:43
  to do that keep me happy that keep me out of my negative
• 15:47
  mindset out of my default
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: setting to where
• 15:50
  my default is not listening to somebody and just assuming and
• 15:54
  just not being my
• 15:55
  best self I will say that I don't want to be I don't want this
• 15:58
  episode to be so
• 15:59
  self-deprecating so I'll just say my default is not being my
• 16:02
  best self and for the
• 16:05
  past maybe two three months I really found myself being very
• 16:09
  negative and I gave up
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: on myself I gave up on
• 16:13
  my running journey i'm i gave up on my podcast i just gave up
• 16:17
  on everything that i
• 16:18
  enjoy doing so i really had to take a moment to say claire stop
• 16:27
  being a loser but
• 16:28
  also give myself a little grace and be like yes what you're
• 16:32
  doing isn't the best
• 16:33
  you're not the person who you want to be but you have the
• 16:36
  option of changing it so
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: i really had to realize that
• 16:41
  This default that I'm doing probably most likely was a defense
• 16:46
  mechanism.
• 16:47
  I thought that I'm reverting back to it to keep me safe because
• 16:51
  for the longest
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: time,
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I was living in survival mode.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: I really did feel like that.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: For the longest time,
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I relied on people who didn't have my best interest,
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: who didn't reciprocate what I gave to them.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I've internalized that this is a normal functioning
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Claire Mayani claire.com
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: In my research of today's episode,
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: understanding human behavior,
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: maybe default setting,
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: I literally looked up default setting for human behavior,
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: I learned of this term called negative bias.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this licensed marriage and family therapist,
• 17:56
  her name is Emma McAdams She wrote an article about negative
• 18:00
  bias She defines
• 18:02
  negative bias as a subconscious filter that your brain uses to
• 18:06
  prioritize negative
• 18:08
  information So she explains that the brain makes neural
• 18:12
  pathways to what you pay
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: attention to So if we think about that,
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: the term or that phrase,
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: when it rains it pours
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: That is literally your brain seeking negative information, right?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if something negative happens,
• 18:30
  your brain is going to seek what you are looking for So if
• 18:34
  you're looking for
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: negative,
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: it is going to,
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: when it rains,
• 18:37
  it pours It is going to continually pour because your brain is
• 18:40
  filtered to just see
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: negative So I have a little story about this,
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: about this negative bias
• 18:51
  because this was in front row on the front stage for me last
• 18:56
  week and I have a
• 18:58
  funny story if you are a part of my close friends on Instagram
• 19:02
  you probably saw me
• 19:03
  crash out about the DMV or driver's license because I've been
• 19:08
  trying for months
• 19:10
  I've been trying for months to get a driver's license in this
• 19:12
  new state and each
• 19:13
  time I go to the DMV I keep getting turned back because I don't
• 19:16
  have the right
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: information and
• 19:18
  The first time I had lost my driver's license so I thought I
• 19:21
  could just go with my
• 19:22
  picture and it would be okay I don't know why I thought that
• 19:25
  They said no Second
• 19:26
  time I went because I still didn't have my license I got a
• 19:31
  driving abstract to get
• 19:34
  my license because that's what they told me I had called the
• 19:37
  office and the office
• 19:38
  said if you don't have your license and you're coming from a
• 19:40
  different state we
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: need a driving abstract to show that you have a history of driving
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: I got the abstract and then they said, no, this is not what we need.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: We actually need a driver's history record.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: So then I go get the driver's history record.
• 19:58
  And then I was like,
• 19:59
  okay,
• 20:00
  so now I have my driving history record and I had my license.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was like,
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: I will schedule an appointment so I can get an enhanced license,
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: AKA a,
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: what are those things called?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: AKA a real ID.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: So,
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: for my understanding,
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: the office said,
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: when you're scheduling appointments for real IDs,
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: you need to schedule an appointment.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot do a walk-in.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: I scheduled an appointment after I came back from Kenya,
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: and the only available appointment they had,
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: actually,
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was before.
• 20:32
  I went to Kenya in March,
• 20:34
  and I scheduled this appointment,
• 20:35
  I'm certain,
• 20:35
  in March.
• 20:36
  I have to go back into my emails,
• 20:38
  but I know I scheduled it before I went to Kenya for May.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: So my appointment comes in, I'm ready to go.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: I have all my documents.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: I go to the, I go to the kiosk to get my license.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then he's going to be like,
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: oh,
• 20:55
  we can't transfer your license because it's expired from the
• 20:59
  state that you're
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: coming from.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought I'm like,
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't,
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: I,
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: to me,
• 21:03
  my license being expired wasn't a huge deal because like when
• 21:07
  you get a license
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: renewed,
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: like why do I need a valid license?
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: You see, I have a driving history.
• 21:14
  whatever so anyway I didn't read the fine print and I needed a
• 21:17
  driving license and
• 21:20
  at that point I was very heated because I'm like he gave me two
• 21:23
  options he said you
• 21:25
  can either go sit for a written and driving test or you can go
• 21:29
  renew your license
• 21:30
  at the state you're coming from I was very annoyed because I'm
• 21:34
  like I don't live in
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: the state that I'm coming from how am I going to renew that license
• 21:38
  and second why in the world do I now have to pay right and now
• 21:42
  have to pay for a
• 21:43
  driving test and a written test just to get my license and then
• 21:47
  he's gonna say if
• 21:48
  you do it that way where you go with a driving and written test
• 21:50
  you can't get your
• 21:51
  enhanced first you have to get a regular license then you can
• 21:55
  get your enhanced
• 21:55
  license and for me that was enough that was enough I was like
• 22:01
  getting agitated and
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was like ready to leave and he was like okay you need to calm down
• 22:08
  Literally I think for me it's a trigger don't tell me to calm
• 22:11
  down and he was like
• 22:12
  it's actually your fault because how long have you been in this
• 22:15
  state you should
• 22:16
  have come earlier and I said I have come here because he said
• 22:21
  oh it looks like
• 22:21
  you've been here before because there's a record there's
• 22:24
  already a record for you
• 22:25
  yes I came here three times before actually maybe two times
• 22:29
  before before coming
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: now so
• 22:32
  I was very annoyed at him to be like it's your fault you should
• 22:36
  have came earlier
• 22:37
  you should have came earlier and calm down I'll get it no
• 22:41
  because at this point I
• 22:42
  tried to follow rules and procedures and I keep getting led
• 22:46
  astray one your people
• 22:49
  in your office told me to get the driving abstract I paid for a
• 22:52
  driving abstract
• 22:53
  and you said no we need a driving license I'm sorry a driving
• 22:56
  history I paid for a
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: driving history
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then my license expired.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: There were so many different things.
• 23:03
  I'm so annoyed and he said you should have came without an
• 23:06
  appointment You
• 23:09
  literally told me your offices told me I can't get an enhanced
• 23:12
  license without an
• 23:14
  appointment So now you're telling me I should have came as a
• 23:16
  walk-in I'm so annoyed
• 23:19
  that happened and that for me was the tipping point Because I
• 23:25
  feel like ever since
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: i've come to washington.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: I have encountered
• 23:29
  Some setbacks or just things that haven't come or gone the way
• 23:33
  I intended to.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I try to be very positive about it.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Transparency moment or honesty moment.
• 23:41
  I came to Washington to go to school and I didn't get accepted
• 23:45
  into the school.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: I got waitlisted.
• 23:48
  and I was just like trying to make the best of it so then after
• 23:54
  getting waitlisted
• 23:55
  and not accepted now I can't get a license yeah when it rains
• 23:59
  it pours I really
• 24:01
  crashed out I crashed out because I'm like ever since I came to
• 24:03
  Washington things
• 24:05
  are just not going my way and and what was the reason what was
• 24:09
  the purpose of being
• 24:10
  here I thought this was supposed to be easier I thought blah
• 24:13
  blah blah I was really
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: getting heated and
• 24:15
  Because my brain,
• 24:18
  I'm realizing now,
• 24:19
  was filtering and searching for negative.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was searching for that.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: So for a while, last week, I was really upset.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was very angry.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if this ever happens to you,
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: but I was getting so angry that my brain hurt,
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: that my brain was itching.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: I just couldn't calm myself down.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: I just could not relax.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, why is this happening to me?
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm understanding that I was functioning in a negative bias.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: My brain was fixating on those negative things.
• 25:00
  And what Adams goes on to later explain is negative bias is not
• 25:05
  a character flaw.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not something that you really should demonize or look down upon.
• 25:12
  Negative bias isn't a character flaw,
• 25:14
  it actually instead is an evolutionary defense.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: So this is something that was passed on, inherited by our ancestors.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: Our ancestors,
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: when they were alive and roaming the world,
• 25:28
  they needed to prioritize negative information that was coming
• 25:31
  in their way because
• 25:33
  they needed to be on alert for any threats or predators that
• 25:38
  could potentially harm
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: them.
• 25:41
  So our brain,
• 25:42
  I'm learning,
• 25:44
  it defaults into the negative to keep us safe.
• 25:51
  But in that same token,
• 25:53
  as it's trying to keep us safe,
• 25:54
  it is actually removing us from our joy.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I would go and argue that
• 26:03
  not only is this working against our own joy but if we allow it
• 26:09
  negative bias lays
• 26:11
  the trap for a the default effect so in my research along with
• 26:16
  understanding and
• 26:17
  learning what negative bias is I also came to understand a term
• 26:22
  called the default
• 26:23
  effect and the default effect is sticking to the status quo
• 26:27
  right if you remember
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: high school musical
• 26:30
  no no no stick to the status quo like why would you venture out
• 26:34
  into something new
• 26:36
  and potentially scary when you can go to what is familiar and
• 26:39
  what is familiar is
• 26:42
  what we deem as what's safe so how do these two concepts
• 26:49
  connect these two concepts
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: connect because negative bias is what filters our brain to
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: alert us of danger and threats.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: And when we filter our brain for that,
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: it's going to say,
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: hey,
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: to keep you safe from these dangers and threats,
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: choose what is familiar.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: Familiar is going to keep you safe.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know the unknown.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: Hold on.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: That is not going to keep us safe.
• 27:14
  So even though the defaults affects defaults that we may have
• 27:18
  for ourselves,
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: even though they feel safer,
• 27:22
  Sometimes,
• 27:23
  and I'm going to say for me,
• 27:25
  sometimes they can actually destroy you.
• 27:30
  And this is me checking myself because I'm seeing or
• 27:34
  recognizing the default destroying me.
• 27:39
  But like negative bias,
• 27:42
  I also want to say that default settings are not always bad.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: Default settings can be
• 27:48
  or default effect choosing the status quo or choosing what's
• 27:52
  familiar it can be
• 27:53
  used as an efficiency tool right if we think about somebody
• 27:57
  like Steve Jobs he his
• 27:59
  default was to wear a black shirt and jeans and that was just
• 28:02
  efficiency that's one
• 28:02
  less thing to think about right because oftentimes we have
• 28:06
  decision fatigue what am
• 28:08
  I going to eat what am I going to wear what am I going to do
• 28:11
  this we can rely on
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: our defaults to help us with that decision fatigue
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: The moment it becomes a problem is when our defaults are rooted in fear.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said earlier,
• 28:24
  my default was rooted in fear and it affects many different
• 28:30
  aspects of your life.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: Namely, it's going to affect your decision making.
• 28:36
  So for example,
• 28:37
  I said because of my default to keep safe,
• 28:41
  I was not applying for jobs at
• 28:43
  Even though I think I could be a good fit,
• 28:46
  I felt like they're going to count me out anyway.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is not the safe pick, just go for what you know.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: And what I know,
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm good at,
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: but is it a space,
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: an area,
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: a career field that I want to stay in forever?
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I have to fight against that default.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: Another aspect where,
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: defaults rooted in fear can affect is definitely your relationships.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: For example,
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: for me,
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: I realize I'm emotionally unavailable and I justify that as,
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: oh,
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: this is me protecting myself against getting hurt.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: I've been reading this book.
• 29:29
  I'm actually rereading this book it's called getting to I do
• 29:31
  and in the beginning
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: they talk about the different types of people or the different phases of
• 29:36
  relationships sorry I just have to plug it so this author
• 29:41
  asserts that they are
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Claire asserts that there are four different phases of a relationship.
• 29:48
  There's the perfect phase,
• 29:49
  which is the first three months where everybody is great.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: We like each other.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: The chemistry feels warm.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: It feels strong.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: It feels easy.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then the second phase is going to be the imperfect phase where
• 30:06
  It is the second set of three months so maybe you're six months
• 30:09
  in and you start to
• 30:11
  realize a few things about each other that you may not like you
• 30:15
  start to see things
• 30:16
  beyond maybe that perfect veil that you have and people who run
• 30:21
  at this stage she
• 30:23
  calls them the 90-day wonder because they are people who fear
• 30:27
  intimacy I'm going to
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: read the quote
• 30:30
  People who have a fear of intimacy the 90 day wonders as I call
• 30:34
  them usually like
• 30:35
  to abort the relationship between the third and sixth month as
• 30:39
  soon as the perfect
• 30:40
  phase is over and these people run out again and seek a perfect
• 30:44
  person and she
• 30:47
  clocked me on this one she clocked me because my default is I
• 30:54
  am I have a fear of
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: intimacy of a fear of vulnerability and
• 30:59
  because of that I really soil relationships before they're even
• 31:06
  get to launch off
• 31:08
  so this is another area that is affecting you so your defaults
• 31:12
  can affect your
• 31:12
  decision making they can affect your relationship and most
• 31:16
  importantly we don't
• 31:17
  even talk about this enough your defaults are going to affect
• 31:21
  your memory okay
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: because
• 31:24
  It's going to edit out all the good things and then you're
• 31:27
  going to just fixate on
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: the negative.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: For me, I'm good at doing that.
• 31:33
  I'm good at allowing my brain to rewire the memory to only see
• 31:37
  negative rather than
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: see,
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: okay,
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: this was bad,
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: but there are other positive things that happen.
• 31:43
  We're robbing ourselves of good experiences if we stay in a
• 31:47
  fearful default.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: So
• 31:52
  I like to pride myself that I'm a realist I'm so real like I'm
• 31:56
  gonna tell it how it
• 31:56
  is but I had to realize that I wasn't being real or genuine I
• 32:03
  was being filtered
• 32:04
  and I was being filtered in a negative mindset you know how
• 32:07
  they have the blinders
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: for me I was blocking out any positivity and only seeing negative
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: This leads me to how can we change the setting, right?
• 32:19
  If you're anything like me and your default is not the person
• 32:22
  you want to be,
• 32:23
  you want to claw outside of that setting so you're not
• 32:27
  reverting back to any
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: negativity or toxicity in your life,
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: how can you fight against that?
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: How can you change it?
• 32:37
  Adams gives three takeaways on how we can rewire our brain to
• 32:43
  fight against this
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: negative bias that is just defaulted for us.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: The first is noticing patterns.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's one thing to be self-aware of yourself and notice that.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's another thing also to ask those around you,
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: maybe those you trust and you love and you respect,
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: Ask those, hey, can you call out my triggers?
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: You probably don't want to say, can you call out my triggers?
• 33:11
  But when you're ready to be real with yourself,
• 33:14
  you want to be like,
• 33:15
  was I vlogging right there?
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or let me know, am I in the wrong?
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or when do you see me being negative?
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm not really aware of that.
• 33:26
  We can rely on our community,
• 33:28
  rely on those people that we trust and love.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: The second takeaway is she said,
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: Take a break from your negative sources.
• 33:39
  So if you're somebody who falls into a negative bias because
• 33:43
  you're always
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: consuming news and just negative information,
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: just take a break from that.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: For me,
• 33:50
  what I had to realize and what I need to be more cognizant of
• 33:55
  is my consumption of
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: reality TV.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you know anything about me, I love reality TV, but that
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: Exposure is not good in me combating this negative bias.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if I'm somebody,
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: again,
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: honesty moment,
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: if I'm somebody who wants to be in a loving relationship,
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: if I want to have a partner,
• 34:20
  then I really can't be watching these reality shows where these
• 34:25
  relationships are
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: divisive,
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: they're toxic,
• 34:29
  or just where it's negative I do feel like I need to take a
• 34:33
  break from that and
• 34:34
  just touch grass and enjoy and filter out I'm looking here
• 34:40
  right here on the side I
• 34:42
  have my vision board that I made in January and one of or two
• 34:47
  of my pictures that I
• 34:48
  have they say disconnect to connect and then one says no
• 34:54
  posting no liking just
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: living
• 34:58
  I need to refer back to this okay when I'm in this negative
• 35:02
  bias please I gotta
• 35:03
  tell my brain take a break from the negative sources the last
• 35:10
  the last action call
• 35:13
  action step she does is to challenge those thoughts and she
• 35:17
  does it through or she
• 35:19
  suggests challenging those thoughts through journaling or also
• 35:22
  even just hey hey
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: brain let's say let's give an example
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: If,
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: let's say,
• 35:29
  you maybe took a dance class and you feel foolish because
• 35:33
  you're an adult taking a
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: dance class,
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: and you're like,
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: oh my god,
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: this is so stupid,
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: why would I do it?
• 35:38
  Hey,
• 35:38
  brain,
• 35:39
  thanks for this thought,
• 35:41
  but I want to be happy,
• 35:42
  so I don't care if I look stupid.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_00: I choose joy over survival.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, snap to that!
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: Hold on, I'm just eating myself up right now.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: So...
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: Chalenge those thoughts.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: That is very important.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: Also,
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: in addition to us challenging the thoughts,
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: she has another action step to journal things that you're grateful for.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember in college,
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be a part of this Christian organization and me and my friend,
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: we adopted this daily practice that we learned from the group,
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_00: which was to text each other three
• 36:24
  three things that we were grateful for the day and this is
• 36:27
  because we went we went
• 36:28
  to camp and there was there was a we called them club talks
• 36:32
  kind of like a TED talk
• 36:33
  but we had somebody speak to us and he said that I think it was
• 36:37
  his daughter or his
• 36:38
  niece or somebody she just was really feeling super negative
• 36:42
  and he wanted to help
• 36:43
  her change her perspective so he said you know what I'm going
• 36:47
  to challenge you
• 36:48
  three days I want you to text every day I want you to text me
• 36:50
  three things you're
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_00: grateful for
• 36:52
  and he also challenged us maybe sometimes you're feeling down
• 36:55
  you're not you just
• 36:56
  didn't have a great day I still want you to text three things
• 37:00
  that you're grateful
• 37:00
  for have that gratitude journal and some days your gratitude
• 37:04
  can be very meek it
• 37:06
  could be I'm grateful to be awake and I'm grateful that I'm
• 37:10
  drinking water right
• 37:10
  now in my new Stanley Cup but at least have that option of
• 37:18
  making sure that you are
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: finding gratitude in your day
• 37:23
  So I leave you with this Last week I had a full meltdown
• 37:31
  Actually a crash out over
• 37:32
  a driver's license But I'm resetting So here's what I want you
• 37:39
  guys to do This week
• 37:44
  I want you to not fix anything I just want you to notice What
• 37:50
  is your default?
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: Is it happy?
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is it positive?
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is it enlightening?
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is it invigorating?
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: Excited?
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it negative?
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is it self-deprecating?
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_00: Is it defeatist?
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: What is your default?
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: Let's chat.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: Drop a comment.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: Send me a DM.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: However you want to do it, but let me know.
• 38:18
  I know that I'm not the only one that's been a passenger in
• 38:21
  their life so maybe to
• 38:24
  start we're just gonna notice our patterns and our defaults
• 38:29
  until then see you