Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Rebuilding Self-Trust After Divorce

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Rebuilding Self-Trust After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, and this week we're diving into a topic that touches the core of anyone who's been through a separation, marriage breakdown, divorce, and that is rebuilding trust in yourself afterwards.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Rebuilding trust in yourself after divorce, healing your heart and rebuilding trust in yourself.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Marriage breakdown, separation, divorce, yes, even if you chose it, has a certain way of shaking your foundation.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: It can and really often does leave you questioning everything.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Your choices, your decisions, your judgment, even your self-worth.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You might find yourself wondering, how did I get here?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: How is this my life?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't I see the signs?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: What did I miss?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: How did I step over this?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And how can I ever trust myself again?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So if this sounds familiar, take a deep breath.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Know that you're not alone.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to know that rebuilding your self-trust is absolutely possible.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a process, yes, but it's an incredibly powerful one, and it takes you really on a journey back towards yourself, back to yourself.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to talk about how divorce impacts your self-trust and confidence, which seems pretty obvious, right?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: But I'll also walk you through some steps to reconnect with your intuition, start to rebuild your capacity to trust yourself, your self-trust, and rediscover that inner knowing, that inner voice, and the person that you always were, the person that you were underneath all of this, all of this messy stuff.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with what happens to self-trust during and after divorce.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: A massive life event like a divorce often brings with it a tidal wave, a tidal wave of self-doubt.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: You question everything, you question your past decisions.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Was I blind to red flags?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I stay so long?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Could I have done more?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or you struggle with choices either retrospectively or about the future.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what if I make another mistake?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: What if I can't trust myself?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: How can I trust myself?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: What if I make the same mistake again?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: What if I make a dumb decision?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: What if, what if, right?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's really normal to feel this way.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: When a relationship ends, especially one you trusted in that you thought would last forever, it can feel like a like a betrayal in itself, right?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Not just by your partner, but by yourself.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: You might feel like you have betrayed yourself.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: You ignored your intuition, overlooked your needs, silenced your voice, and those feelings can compound and make it really hard to trust yourself moving forward.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not just about the decisions that you made, the choices that you made, all the what ifs.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's about feeling like you let yourself down and you betrayed yourself.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: But your self-trust might be might have taken a knock, but it isn't completely gone.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gone forever.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's just buried.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's just buried under the mess and rubble of everything that you've been through, that you're going through.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And part of your healing, your invitation here is to pick through that rubble and choose what you're going to carry forward and what to put down, what to leave behind.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And one thing that you're not going to leave behind is your self-trust, even if it's been shaken, even if you've been shaken to your very core, your very foundation, you're not going to leave that behind.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: But how?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the first step is identifying, identifying when you stopped listening to your intuition.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, intuition is that inner knowing, that voice that whispers, this feels right or this doesn't feel right.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Something feels off about this.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: We all have it, and some of us tune into it more than others.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: So try and identify when you stopped listening to your intuition.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: So very often, divorce, relationship breakdown leaves us feeling like we don't have an inner knowing, but we all do.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: It is about, as I said, tuning into it, allowing it, a massive life change like divorce, especially if there's been a betrayal, an affair, or a financial betrayal, whatever, it forces us to re-evaluate everything, including our intuition.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it is an invitation to reflect on times we ignored that voice.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there were moments in your relationship when your gut told you something wasn't right, but you brushed it off, you minimized it, you ignored the voice, you discounted your intuition, or maybe for you it was about staying silent because you wanted to keep the peace, or you hoped things would get better, or you hoped you were wrong, but you knew deep down, you already knew deep down.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't about blaming yourself or shaming yourself or making it wrong or bad, it's just about recognition, recognizing where and when and probably why you stopped listening to yourself so that you can start tuning in again.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So take a moment, think back.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Can you pinpoint any times when your gut tried to speak up, your inner voice tried to speak up to you?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: What did it say?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what would it feel like to listen to that voice now?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Rebuilding self-trust takes time and starts with a few key steps.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Recognizing when you stopped listening to yourself is first, but then wrapping that up with some forgiveness, you know, forgiving yourself for the times you didn't listen to your intuition for staying longer than you should or should have or you wished you had or for whatever you're holding on to.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean excusing everything, it just means letting go of the blame and giving yourself permission to move forward, treating yourself kindly, compassionately, forgiving yourself.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and maybe for you it's about writing yourself a forgiveness letter, acknowledging what you're carrying, when you stopped listening, and then releasing it, burning the letter.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: The next step is reflection.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect on what's happened, but do that kindly, compassionately, without judgment.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Look at your decisions, your choices, the moments you didn't listen to your gut, to your intuition, look at those moments with curiosity instead of criticism.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Be kind to yourself.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: What patterns or dynamics can you learn from?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: What can you pinpoint in terms of pattern or dynamic that you can learn from?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Take forward, take forward the lesson.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: What strengths did I show even in the hard moments?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Where was I strong?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want to do differently moving forward?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the next step is mindfulness, mindful decision making, staying present in the moment, rebuilding self-trust is like rebuilding a muscle, muscle memory.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you strengthen it through practice.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: So start small by making mindful decisions and following through, being present, asking yourself, what do I want here?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want from this interaction, this engagement, this moment, and following through with that?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if your gut tells you to rest instead of pushing through, honor that.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel drawn to trying something new, taking a new leap, follow through with that.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you listen to yourself, you trust your inner voice and you act on it.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: You prove to yourself that you can trust your instincts again, you can rebuild that sense of trust in yourself.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: So practice listening, deciding, choosing, acting.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Start small and build up, but practice making mindful decisions.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: One of the trickier parts, one of the hardest parts about rebuilding trust in yourself is learning to distinguish the difference between fear and intuition.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: They feel really similar in your body, but so similar.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Especially after a really life-altering event like divorce, when everything feels new and uncertain.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: But the difference is that fear often feels loud, noisy, anxious, panicky.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's based or rooted in all those what-ifs and worst-case scenarios and doom thinking and possibility, right?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Fear feels loud, anxious, panicky.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Intuition, on the other hand, feels quieter and more grounded.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's a calm, steady knowing, and it's not always strictly logical, but it feels right, it feels certain.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can anchor into it, and it sort of feels like you can trust it.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas fear, again, it feels panicky.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're faced with a decision and start small, when you're faced with a decision, try to pause, take a breath, and ask yourself, am I reacting?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Am I reacting out of fear?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I listening to my inner voice?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Am I listening to my inner knowing, my intuition?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: And make that mindful decision.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: As you rebuild self-trust, as you tap back into listening to your inner knowing, your intuition, you'll also start to build your confidence.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: And because I want to keep this episode really practical and rooted in actionable steps that you can take, I want to offer you a few more tools to help you.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Affirmations.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not massive on affirmations.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think sometimes they feel a little cheesy and even a bit preachy, so I'm not always a huge fan, but they can really help to shift your inner voice, to shift your inner talk, to shift that chatter that can be really harsh and loud and critical after a breakdown or divorce.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: So you can use affirmations if they work for you.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Things like I am learning to trust myself, I'm capable of making decisions that honour me, I am worthy of love, respect, joy, whatever the affirmation is that works for you.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: If the themes in this episode are resonating with you, if it's bringing up things that you would like to explore on a deeper level with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes and we can discuss coaching options.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And now back to this week's episode.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I particularly like something around I'm capable of making decisions that honour me.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: I can trust myself to make decisions that honour me.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Repeat them daily, multiple times a day, even, even if you don't believe them yet, even if they're not your reality yet.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking them out, writing them out can be really helpful in, as I said, toning down that harsh inner critic telling you that you can't trust yourself, that you can't trust your judgment.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: It can switch that voice.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: The next tool I would like to offer you is to celebrate.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrate small wins, right?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence grows through action.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: So start by setting small goals, start by thinking about small achievements, trying a new hobby, setting a boundary, saying no when you mean no or you really want to say no, whatever it is.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Every small win reminds you of your strength.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And when it comes to your self-trust, celebrate the wins when you do listen to your intuition, when you do back yourself, when you do hear that inner voice, act on it, and it all turns out okay.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrate those small wins, acknowledge them because that reinforces that you can listen to your intuition, you can trust yourself to make solid decisions, even if it's as small as what to have for dinner tonight.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrate the small wins and offer yourself kindness, compassion, give yourself some grace.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: You are human, perfectly messily, imperfectly, beautifully human, and healing isn't linear, growth isn't linear, right?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's not going to be one and done, it's not going to be a straight line journey.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a four-year-old child, your child, your inner child.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to yourself with kindness, compassion, and grace as you tap back into learning to trust yourself, as you rebuild your capacity to trust yourself and to be kind when you slip up, when you make a mistake, when you fall back into an old pattern.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Be kind with yourself and your heart.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: The thing about self-trust is it's not just about moving through separation, divorce, surviving it, thriving, building a life afterwards.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's about creating a life that you are genuinely excited to be living.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's about creating a life you love.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you trust yourself, when you deeply, deeply trust yourself, you become your own safe space.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: You stop outsourcing your happiness and well-being to someone else.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: You stop hinging your happiness, your well-being, your wholeness on being in a relationship, and you start making decisions that align with who you are and who you're becoming.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: In a way, rebuilding self-trust is about becoming your own best friend, your own soulmate, your own partner.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: You learn to show up for yourself with the love, the respect, and the care that you perhaps didn't get in your relationship, but that you have inherently known that you are worthy of and that you've always deserved.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're on this journey of rebuilding healing and rebuilding self-trust, know that trusting yourself again or even for the very first time is absolutely possible.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: It takes time, it takes patience, it takes compassion for yourself, it takes practice, and every step you take brings you closer to that strong, confident, capable, amazing human.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: That grounded, empowered, perfectly imperfect human that you're evolving into.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce likely has if you're through it, or probably will, if you're still contemplating, shake your foundation.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: It will shake your or bump up against or challenge your capacity to trust in yourself.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: But that can be rebuilt, that can be recalibrated, and in doing so, you're going to create a version of you, a version of life that's more aligned, more resilient, more deeply connected to who you are, and more in tune with what you know is right for yourself.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: A human who is able to listen, to go deep, to listen deeply to their intuition, their inner knowing, and to deeply trust that.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for spending this time with me today.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Reach out, share your story, let me know how you're rebuilding self-trust in your own life wherever you're at.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, you are infinitely capable.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can do this wherever you are on this crazy separation, divorce, rebuilding journey, and you can absolutely trust yourself to make the next chapter of your life all you want it to be.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, bye for now.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Until then