Latest / Women in the Middle®: Loving Life After 50 - Midlife Coach Podcast / EP #464: Forks in the Road: When Fear Has Been Making Your Decisions

Transcript

EP #464: Forks in the Road: When Fear Has Been Making Your Decisions · Women in the Middle®: Loving Life After 50 - Midlife Coach Podcast

0:25
Hey there, today we're talking about something I've
0:30
taught before but never quite like this.
0:33
It's about the forks in the road of
0:35
your life and the thing that's been making
0:36
decisions at those forks without your permission.
0:40
Let's go.
0:41
Welcome back to the Women in the Middle
0:43
podcast with over 2 million downloads and counting.
0:46
I'm your host, Susie Rosenstein, your master certified
0:48
coach, midlife life leadership mentor, and certified Zentangle
0:53
teacher.
0:53
And I am so glad you're here for
0:55
this one.
0:56
Because today I'm going to share something I've
0:58
been sitting with lately, something that surprised me
1:01
even after over a decade of coaching women
1:04
through exactly this kind of work.
1:07
I had one of those, ah, that makes
1:10
sense moments recently, a moment where I finally
1:13
connected some dots that I hadn't connected before,
1:17
even though I've been teaching this material for
1:20
years.
1:21
And when I did, what I felt was
1:24
relief.
1:25
Here's the thing, that kind of surprised me.
1:27
And I could see that it was because
1:30
I stopped thinking of myself as someone who
1:32
grew up feeling freakishly scared, and started understanding
1:36
why certain fears showed up when they did,
1:39
and what they were actually trying to do.
1:42
And I think you might have a similar
1:43
moment today.
1:44
So let's talk about forks in the road,
1:47
and what's really been happening at yours, at
1:50
your forks, that is.
1:52
But just quick before we dive in, I
1:54
have a question for you.
1:55
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1:59
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2:47
Okay, now let's get into this.
2:50
I want to start by telling you about
2:52
a realization I had recently about one of
2:55
my own forks in the road.
2:57
If you've been listening for a while, you
2:59
may know this story.
3:00
Way back in 1982, I was a sophomore
3:03
at Westchester State College in Pennsylvania.
3:06
I heard about a program where I could
3:08
study at a university in the Caribbean for
3:11
a term or two.
3:12
Transfer credits, a tropical adventure, a completely different
3:15
experience.
3:17
It just sounded glorious.
3:18
And you know me, I love palm trees.
3:21
I love anything about the ocean.
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And the idea of living close to the
3:25
ocean, oh, my head was exploding.
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I was so excited.
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So I applied and I got in.
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And then I completely freaked out.
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I turned it down.
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I stayed put.
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I told myself it made sense.
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It was far away.
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I didn't know anybody there.
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It felt like too much, you know, and
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I moved on.
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Now I've told that story in my coaching
3:48
and on this podcast before.
3:50
I've even used it as an example of
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how fear showed up for me at a
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fork in the road.
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But here's what I hadn't done until recently.
4:00
I hadn't asked myself why the fear was
4:04
so strong.
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It was part of my experience that I
4:07
just glossed over.
4:09
And when I finally did, when I really
4:11
sat with it, that's what you have to
4:13
do sometimes to find out what's really going
4:15
on with you.
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That's when I connected some dots that I
4:19
never connected before.
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I lost my mother when I was five
4:23
years old, my father when I was 12.
4:25
Both of them gone unexpectedly far too soon.
4:29
So I got the message early in my
4:32
life that the world is not reliably safe.
4:36
That bad things happen.
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Bad things can happen to you even when
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you do all the right things.
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That life's not fair and that people you
4:44
count on can disappear.
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Yep, that's heavy.
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And then in high school, something weird happened.
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Someone crawled through the bushes outside my bedroom
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window.
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A terrifying, terrifying violation of safety in a
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place for me that was supposed to be
5:03
the safest place I had.
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So when I got that acceptance letter from
5:07
the Caribbean program, a young woman under four
5:11
foot 10, no contacts, far from home, no
5:14
safety net.
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Of course I freaked out.
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My nervous system was doing exactly what it
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had learned to do.
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It was protecting me.
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It was keeping me close to what felt
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known and manageable.
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It made complete sense.
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And that's when that feeling of relief hit
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me.
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It wasn't that I was freakishly scared.
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It was that I had very good reasons
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wired in at a very early age for
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why going far away alone felt dangerous.
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I just hadn't seen it that clearly before.
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So here's what I want you to hear
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because this is the heart of today's episode.
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Fear rarely shows up and says, Hey, I'm
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fear and I'm about to make this decision
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for you.
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It just doesn't work that way.
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Instead, fear shows up dressed as reason.
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It says things like this.
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I don't have anyone to go with.
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I might fail.
6:14
I don't like how I look on camera.
6:16
I'm too old to be a beginner at
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something.
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It's probably not the right time.
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It's too expensive, too complicated, too far, too
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much.
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Now, does that sound familiar?
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Every single one of those sounds perfectly rational.
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So here's the thing about fear in midlife.
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It doesn't feel like fear.
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It can feel responsible, sensible, realistic.
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It sounds like exactly the kind of reason
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a capable, self-aware woman would give herself,
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which is precisely why it's so hard to
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catch.
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But underneath many of those responsible sounding reasons,
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if you look really carefully, it's fear doing
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what fear does.
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It protects you.
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It keeps you close to what feels known,
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making the decision before you even realize a
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decision is being made.
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Now think about how this can play out
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for you where you are right now in
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your life.
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Some of those fears made complete sense once.
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They were appropriate responses to real experiences, things
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that you lived through, things that shaped you,
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things that taught you accurately that certain situations
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carry risk.
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But you're not who you were at 19
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or 35 or 50.
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You have decades of experience and resourcefulness behind
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you now.
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You've figured stuff out over and over again.
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You have survived things that would have undone
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your younger self.
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You're not that young woman standing alone at
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an unfamiliar crossroads with no safety net and
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no context.
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That was then.
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This is now.
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So here's the question I want you to
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sit with today.
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Does fear still make sense now?
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Not then.
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Now, at this age, with this much life
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behind you, with this particular fork in front
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of you, because the answer for a lot
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of the decisions fear has been making on
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your behalf might be no, not anymore, not
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at 60 something, not at 50 something, with
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everything you know now and everything you've already
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survived.
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Now, I want to make this really tangible,
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concrete, because I hear versions of this constantly
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in my coaching work.
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Here's what fear at the forks looks like
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for women in their late 50s and 60s.
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Maybe it's a trip you've been wanting to
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take, but you don't have anyone to go
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with.
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No partner, spouse, or friend is available to
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go with you, so you don't go.
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The reason sounds practical.
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The feeling underneath it, when you really, really
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look at it, it's fear.
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Fear of being alone in an unfamiliar place.
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Fear of something going wrong with no one
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beside you.
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Or this, an opportunity that comes your way
9:14
to step up, to be seen, to take
9:16
on something new.
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You say no because you might fail, or
9:20
because the role requires visibility and you don't
9:23
feel comfortable with how you look on camera
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or while speaking in front of a crowd.
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The reason sounds like self-awareness.
9:31
The feeling underneath though, it's fear.
9:34
Fear of judgment, fear of being seen and
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found lacking.
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And then there's this, an urge to go
9:42
back to school, take a class, learn something
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completely new.
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But you hold back because you're not comfortable
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being a beginner.
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You might ask yourself, well, what if I'm
9:51
the oldest one there?
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That happened to me once at a tennis
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class.
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I looked around, I'm like, Oh, I think
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I'm the oldest one here.
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You might think, what if I can't keep
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up?
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The reason sounds sensible enough.
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The feeling underneath though, it's fear.
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Fear of looking foolish, fear of not being
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good enough.
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Do you relate to any of these examples?
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I sure do.
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I bet you wouldn't necessarily describe yourself as
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fearful though.
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You have reasons, responsible ones, sensible ones, the
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kind that sound like self-awareness rather than
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self-protection.
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But that's exactly what fear has learned to
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do at this age.
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It's stopped announcing itself.
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It started sounding like you, your practical voice,
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your realistic voice.
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You know, you're so responsible, that part of
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you.
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And because it sounds so darn reasonable, it
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rarely gets questioned.
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And the forks you may be standing at
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right now, you know, transition stuff like retirement
10:48
or a change in your identity, maybe empty
10:51
nest, relationships, how to spend the time that
10:54
remains.
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Those forks deserve better than fear making the
11:00
call.
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I want to walk you through the Forks
11:03
in the Road exercise.
11:04
Now I've taught this before in episode 335,
11:08
if you want to go back, but today
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we're going deeper.
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We're doing it with the fear lens on.
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So grab a coffee or a cup of
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tea, a piece of paper, and a pen.
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If you're driving, you're probably going to want
11:21
to try to remember to come back and
11:23
do this.
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So step number one is to go on
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a fork hunt.
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Think back over your life, year by year,
11:31
phase by phase, and identify three to five
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significant forks in the road.
11:36
So these are moments where you had two
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genuinely different paths available to you, and you
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had to pick one.
11:44
So these weren't small choices.
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They were heavy duty.
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They were weighted, the kind that you still
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remember.
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So go back as far as you want.
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I found that some of the most revealing
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forks happened a really long time ago.
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Step number two is to get curious about
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how you felt.
12:02
For each fork in the road, try to
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remember how you felt as you were making
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the decision.
12:08
Not the logic of the whole decision, but
12:11
the feeling.
12:12
Were you excited, relieved, sad, anxious, overwhelmed, maybe
12:17
frozen?
12:18
Whatever it was, try to get at it.
12:21
And then ask, what was I thinking that
12:24
created that feeling?
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What was I thinking that created that feeling?
12:31
Step three, look for the pattern, and specifically
12:34
look for fear.
12:36
Be on the lookout.
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Now here's the upgraded question I want you
12:40
to ask for each of those forks, each
12:43
fork in the road.
12:45
Was fear part of this decision?
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So when you're thinking about it, it doesn't
12:50
have to be terror, okay?
12:52
Like that giant kind of fear.
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It doesn't have to be that.
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It could be something more subtle.
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The kind that looks like reason, it feels
13:02
like reason, it's dressed like reason.
13:05
The kind that says, I don't know anyone
13:07
there, or I don't know, that might be
13:10
a little too risky, or I'm not ready
13:13
yet.
13:13
Those kinds of things.
13:14
And if fear was there, where did it
13:17
come from?
13:18
What had your life already taught you that
13:21
made that fear make sense at the time?
13:25
So this is where the compassion comes in.
13:28
You're not looking back to criticize yourself for
13:31
the decisions that you made.
13:33
Mean girl doesn't have to be part of
13:35
the story.
13:35
You're looking back to understand where fear came
13:39
in.
13:40
Maybe you'll see that you were doing exactly
13:43
what someone with your experiences would do, right?
13:48
Really think about it.
13:49
Now, step four, ask the question that I
13:52
think changes everything.
13:53
For each fork in the road where you
13:57
can see fear was present, ask yourself this,
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does the fear still make sense today?
14:04
Not back then, but now where you're at
14:07
right now, you're older, you're more successful, you
14:10
have more context, you have more evidence of
14:14
your own capability than you did at every
14:16
single previous fork in the road.
14:19
So does the fear that drove that decision
14:22
still apply to who you are right now?
14:26
For some fears, the answer will be yes.
14:28
And that's important information too.
14:30
Not all fear is outdated.
14:33
Some of it is still doing useful work,
14:35
but for others, and I suspect you'll find
14:37
several examples of this, the answer will be
14:40
no.
14:41
The fear made complete sense given what you
14:44
knew and what you'd lived through at that
14:46
time.
14:46
And it no longer applies to the woman
14:49
that you've become.
14:50
That's the aha moment.
14:53
You know what I mean?
14:53
It's kind of like, ah, that makes sense.
14:57
And that feels like relief.
15:00
Now let's bring this forward because the real
15:02
point of looking back at your forks in
15:05
the road is to make better decisions at
15:08
the ones ahead of you.
15:10
And you have significant forks ahead of you,
15:13
my friend.
15:14
Things like retirement, where to live, how to
15:17
spend your time, what to say yes to,
15:20
and what to finally let go, and who
15:23
to be now that some of the old
15:25
rules that you had are shifting.
15:27
Here's what I want you to do the
15:29
next time you're standing at a fork.
15:31
A fork in the road.
15:34
Pause before deciding.
15:36
Now I'm not talking about taking forever to
15:38
make a decision.
15:39
Just long enough to actually feel what's happening
15:42
before you react.
15:44
Then reflect on the feeling underneath the reason.
15:48
So when you hear yourself saying, it's not
15:49
the right time, or I don't have anybody
15:51
to go with, or I might fail, get
15:55
curious.
15:56
What's the feeling underneath the reason?
15:58
Is it fear?
15:59
And if so, does it even make sense?
16:02
Does it still make sense?
16:04
Ask this question and really sit with it.
16:07
So I learned this one in my coach
16:08
training, and it stopped me cold.
16:10
It is so good, and I've used it
16:12
with clients ever since.
16:13
So here it is.
16:14
If both outcomes were guaranteed to be amazing,
16:18
so we're talking about both sides of the
16:19
fork going this way or that way, which
16:23
would you choose?
16:24
So if both outcomes were guaranteed to be
16:26
amazing, which would you choose?
16:29
That question temporarily removes fear from the equation
16:32
entirely, and what's left is desire.
16:36
Pure, undefended desire.
16:39
The thing you actually want when fear isn't
16:42
running the show.
16:43
So good.
16:44
Then ask, do you like the reason you're
16:47
giving yourself?
16:48
So it's not about whether the reason sounds
16:50
good, whether you actually like it, whether it
16:54
represents who you want to be and how
16:56
you want to live.
16:58
Do you like the reason that you're giving
17:00
yourself?
17:02
And then ask this, might you regret this
17:04
decision?
17:05
So don't ask yourself that in a really
17:08
scary way.
17:09
Just to get at what's really going on.
17:11
What is honest for you?
17:13
Your future self is watching.
17:15
So what would she want you to do
17:17
here?
17:18
Might you regret this decision?
17:20
And then here's another one.
17:21
What would it take to do it anyway?
17:24
So this isn't about, can I eliminate fear?
17:27
Because you probably can't, and you don't need
17:29
to.
17:30
But what would it take to move forward
17:32
with the fear present?
17:35
What support?
17:36
What information?
17:37
What first step?
17:38
And finally, what if the fear could be
17:41
managed?
17:41
Think about that.
17:42
Managing fear is not about conquering it, getting
17:45
rid of it, eliminating it.
17:47
It's managing it.
17:49
And managing it is kind of watching it
17:52
and feeling it without being at the effect
17:55
of it.
17:56
That's how it feels to me.
17:57
Because most fears can be managed.
17:59
And most of the time, what we're really
18:01
afraid of is survivable, especially for a woman
18:05
who has already survived as much as you
18:07
have.
18:09
So here's what I want to leave you
18:10
with.
18:11
What if you are not freakishly scared and
18:13
never were?
18:15
Instead, what if you're a woman who lived
18:17
through things that taught you accurately and early
18:21
that the world can be unsafe, that protection
18:25
matters, that staying close to what's known can
18:28
keep you out of harm's way?
18:30
Now, those lessons made sense when you learned
18:33
them.
18:34
The question, the one that matters most now
18:36
at this age, with the forks in the
18:38
road that are ahead of you, is whether
18:41
they still make sense today.
18:43
So I've been coaching women through these exact
18:46
transitions for over a decade.
18:49
Retirement on the horizon, the emptiness that arrived
18:52
faster than expected.
18:53
I mean, you know, we had 18 years
18:55
to get ready, but aging parents who need
18:59
more, a career chapter that's closing, all that
19:02
stuff.
19:02
And these aren't topics that I teach from
19:04
a distance.
19:05
They are the conversations I'm in every single
19:08
week.
19:09
And what I know from being in them
19:11
is this, the decisions you make from here
19:14
will shape the years you have left.
19:17
Those years deserve to be led by you,
19:22
not by a fear that was formed decades
19:25
ago and never got the memo that you
19:28
have grown.
19:29
The forks in the road exercise exists for
19:32
exactly this.
19:33
Remember, mean girl is not welcome here.
19:36
This is not about judging the path that
19:39
you took, but it is about seeing clearly
19:43
and with compassion what was driving the whole
19:48
thing so that you can finally take the
19:51
wheel yourself.
19:53
Okay, that's it my friend.
19:55
That's the forks in the road, the upgraded
19:58
version.
19:59
So go on your fork hunt this week.
20:01
Find three to five of them.
20:03
Look for the fear that was dressed as
20:06
reason.
20:07
Ask whether it still makes sense today.
20:09
And then ask yourself, what would you choose
20:11
if both outcomes were guaranteed to be amazing?
20:15
You might surprise yourself.
20:17
So if today's episode stirred something up and
20:19
you want to explore it further, maybe you're
20:21
standing at a fork right now and you
20:23
want some help seeing it clearly.
20:24
That's exactly what the next chapter direction session
20:28
is for.
20:29
It's a private 50-minute conversation where we
20:31
take a real look at what's going on
20:33
in your life, what you may not be
20:35
seeing, and what needs to change so you
20:38
can move forward with clarity and intention.
20:41
You can book yours at www.talktosuzy.com.
20:46
And if you haven't checked out the Get
20:47
Unstuck Midlife Clarity Fast and Easy Masterclass yet,
20:50
head over to www.midliferoadmap.com.
20:54
And in less than an hour, you will
20:56
walk away with a real plan.
20:59
Remember, it's offered at an introductory price.
21:01
So head over and grab it.
21:03
Thanks so much for being here today.
21:05
It genuinely means a lot that you spend
21:07
your time with me.
21:08
I mean, I know you're walking around, you're
21:10
driving, you're walking the dog, whatever.
21:12
We're together.
21:13
And I know when I listen to podcasts,
21:15
it just, you just feel so connected.
21:17
So thank you so much.
21:19
For show notes and links, head over to
21:21
www.suzyrosenstein.com and look for episode 464.
21:26
And don't forget to check out The Women
21:28
in the Middle Entrepreneurs, my other show all
21:31
about the reality of running a business as
21:33
a midlife woman.
21:34
It's everywhere you listen to podcasts.
21:36
Being the queen of your brain domain is
21:38
still the best way to be.
21:40
I'll talk to you next week.