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Sober Talk SA - Misha · Sober Talk SA

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Welcome to Sober talk. I'm Dennis and I have lived the
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experience of alcoholic. If you know of anyone is
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struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
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1300 double 22222 or or check out the website aaorg.org dot AU
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and I'll just do the preamble of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who
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share the experience, strengthen up with each other that they may
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solve their common problems and help others to recover from
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alcoholism. The only requirement for
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membership is a desire to stop drinking.
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We are no dues or fees free in membership.
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We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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A is not allied with any sex denomination, politics or
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organization. Does not wish to engage in any
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controversy, neither endorses or oppose any causes.
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Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other Alcoholics
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achieve sobriety. Hi, I'm Mason.
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I'm an alcoholic. And what it was like for me,
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what happened and what it's like now.
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All right. For me, I grew up in a family
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where drinking was, was part of our family culture.
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You know, I grew up in a sporting club and, and my mum's
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side of the family is European. So we're allowed to have that
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glass of beer with, with, you know, pizza night and, and wine
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with special occasion dinners and stuff like that.
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And we're, we're taught to drink responsibly.
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But for me that that doesn't work because I'm an alcoholic.
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And you know, I learned straight away that that I could identify
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with, with what that did for me. You know, how it made me feel
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and how the first thing I think I remember was, was it slowed my
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brain down and gave me, gave me a way to just to have maybe just
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one or two thoughts in my head once instead of 1000.
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And which is quite a gift for me, you know, and, and it just
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was something that I used throughout my whole life to, to
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just lubricate life really and to deal with life.
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You know, I, I started binge drinking at probably the age of
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1213. And during that to, during that
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time period, drug centered my life as well as a means to, I
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think more to be able to stay awake and, and, and drink more.
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You know, I, I used it to escape reality.
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And I think before, before I started using alcohol to express
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like I did, I used other things like food and books and, and
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anything I could do just to, to escape me.
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I wasn't happy with me. I never felt like I fit in
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anywhere And, and I really never felt like, like I knew who I
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was. I didn't have that identity.
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But at the same time, if you spoke to me, I had this big ego
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and I was always, you know, so loud and boisterous and, and I
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had an answer for everything. Even at the age of 2, I could, I
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could give my mom an answer for everything.
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And why I never asked why. I told her why.
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And my poor mother, today we have an awesome relationship,
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but that's, that's, that's taken a long time to get back.
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I did a lot of damage throughout my teenage years, especially for
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that. But with the beauty of this
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program, I was able to, to start vending those fences.
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But, you know, keeping it, keeping it in my teen years, I
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went through, yeah, I put myself in certain some crazy situations
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just because I just wanted to booze and party.
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That's all I wanted. You know, I started having
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blackouts at 1314 and, and I didn't know what they were.
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Yeah, it's, it's, it's part of a good night in Australia.
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You know, you don't remember what you did the night before,
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but when it starts becoming a real issue and you really don't
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remember and horrible things start happening to you,
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especially if you're a young girl and you're hanging around
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with older people, which you shouldn't be.
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You, you're putting yourself out there and you're putting
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yourself at risk. And.
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And today I understand that a lot of that was my
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responsibility. You know, I, I didn't, I didn't
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know, I didn't know any better. It's not my fault.
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It's no one's fault really what it was.
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It was just a young silly girl who just was already had in this
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cycle of, of addiction and alcohol had me in its grip from
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a young age. And I understand that today and,
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and I'm so grateful that I do, and I, and I'm so grateful that
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I was actually able to put the booze down and, and find a way
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to start living a real life. You know, it's my, my life.
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I, I always had jobs. I had to have jobs because I had
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to have, have money to pay for the foods and I had to, I had to
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find a way to, to cover up the fact that, that I was an
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absolute mess. You know, I was filled with fear
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my whole life. So no one would know it because
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on the outside everything looks perfect.
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You know, I had the great apartment in the city.
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I had a wonderful job in a, in a multi $1,000,000 office where I
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run the sales office. And you know, on the outside,
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all the bells, this was was all great, but on the inside I was
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that scared little girl who just wanted attention.
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You know, throughout my teens, my early 20s, I would have done
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anything just to get attention. All I wanted was to be loved.
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You know, I didn't think I was good enough to be loved.
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And, and you know, I know today I was, it was all just in my
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head and that's all part of this disease.
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You know, it's, it makes me think that I'm not good enough
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and it wants me to isolate myself from everyone so that it
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can so it can get its grips into me again.
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And and you know, I every time I found a group of friends, they
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all had to drink, they all had to drug and they all had to
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party. And if they couldn't party as as
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well as I did and I started looking like the very great, I'd
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move on to the CDA group of people so that, you know, I
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could look down my nose at them and and, and sort of look like
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the one that was good. Eventually though, that you run
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out of people like that. And towards the end I was
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hanging around, you know, bikies and, and not very nice people
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and criminals and really not nice people at all.
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And so obviously getting myself into circumstances that that
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weren't great. I don't know how, but I
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survived, you know, I know that I've always had a higher power
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that that's looked out for me. The amount of times where I
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should have been at places where I've opened up the paper.
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I looked at the news the next morning and, and people have
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been shot or murdered or whatever, you know, or just I've
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left at certain times. And there has been things that
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have happened throughout, throughout my journey that
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haven't been nice. But they don't affect me so much
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today because I've been able to to through the 12 step program
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and the guidance of my sponsor and also hearing other people's
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stories and learning from their experience, I've been able to
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look at my life with reality instead of the disillusion that
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I used to look at it with. You know, if there was a bad
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circumstance, I'd turn it into something good.
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And if there's a good circumstance, I'd turn it into
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something bad. You know, I couldn't accept the
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bad things that happened as bad things because then I've had to
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have to learn a lesson from them.
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And so throughout my life, I had these repeated patterns that
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would happen and all of it surrounded alcohol.
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And don't get me wrong, I loved booze.
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I loved, I know I wasn't one of these people that that didn't
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like the taste of it. I loved everything to do with
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it, the flavour. I surrounded myself with it.
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You know, I work jobs that allowed me to, to be around at
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24/7. And you know, I had so much fun.
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I did, I really did for the first for 15 years.
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It was an absolute ball. And but you know, the last 10 or
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so it, it changed, you know, when you crossed that line
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somewhere, somewhere in, in the middle there.
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I crossed this line and, and it got really bad.
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It just, I didn't even understand.
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I didn't know that I was sick. I had no idea.
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I didn't know what the, the, the alcohol was doing to my system,
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my like physically, let alone mentally or spiritually.
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I knew nothing of the disease of alcoholism.
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We had a joke that we weren't alcoholic because we didn't
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attend meetings. But I didn't know what an
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alcoholic was like everyone else.
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I suppose that comes into the program.
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I thought the alcoholic was like the guy that used to come in in
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the morning, see one of the cafes I worked at and he'd get a
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craft, 2 litre craft for wine and, and drank it before he
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headed off for the day. No, and he sank and he and he
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had bagged his clothes and he slept on the park bench near my
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house. And, and that's what I thought
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an alcoholic was. I never imagined myself as being
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one, even though I'd go home and drink 4 bottles of champagne
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every night. And, and towards the end, I
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didn't know anything about DTS. I didn't know that withdrawal
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symptoms, what they were. And, and I thought my shakes at
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8:00 in the morning were due to my anxiety because of the stress
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of work, but they weren't bad simply because I hadn't had a
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drink for a few hours. Right through my teen years, my
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drinking progressed. By the time I was at 1617, I was
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a daily drinker. And you know, there were, there
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were times in my life where I didn't drink every day, but in
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noise times in my life, there was something else.
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I'd either pick up drugs or I'd pick up shopping or something.
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I have other outside mental health issues as well, so I've
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now been able to learn the difference between the two.
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But at the bottom of everything is my alcoholism.
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If I can't manage that and if I can't stay stay stopped, then I
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can't even look at the rest of it because you know, anything
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else won't work unless I can keep, keep the drink down.
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And I learnt that recently. You know, I, I came into the
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program on the 16th of August 2017.
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I remember my first meeting like it was like it was yesterday.
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That side of that meeting wasn't through that window because my
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life had fallen apart and I had nowhere else to go and nothing
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else. You know, all those fancy things
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I had in my life that I thought would make me feel better had
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all disappeared. All that stuff booze had given
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me, it had taken away and, and I was a shell of a person.
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I had, I had no soul anymore. I didn't feel like I had a soul,
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you know, I was full of just darkness and, and utter despair
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and I just didn't want to be here anymore.
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I just want to die really. I just, I just didn't know how
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to deal, deal with life. And, and I had lost my job at
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the end of October, October 2016.
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I lost my job. And that, that was probably the
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best thing to happen to me because for the last two years,
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that workplace, which I'd worked for, for almost 9 years, had
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carried me through blackout at work and, and not turning up and
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running late and, and only functioning on probably 3
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cylinders out of six. And they were amazing, you know,
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they were amazing. They were supportive.
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And, and at the time when they, when they got rid of me, I, I
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was so full of anger and was bent and I, I couldn't
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understand why I really couldn't.
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But my life really fell apart. And it really fell apart and
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then enabled me to actually just stay home on my own and drink
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and have my own pity party. And within six months, I lost at
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least 40 kilos and, and my body started breaking down.
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I was waking up. My nervous system started
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shutting down. I was waking up, not being able
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to fill my hands and feet, not being able to move.
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Some nights I'd wake up and just be like a stack of potatoes with
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eyeballs, not being able to scream out for help, not being
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able to roll over. And that was some of the
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serious, like scariest moments of my life.
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I was absolutely terrified hearing things and saying things
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and, and the paranoia in the end was just wow.
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Even if you think about it now, it's frightening and you know, I
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didn't think I was that sick. I thought, yeah, I've got to put
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maybe put this down for a bit so I can have a look at my mum
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mental health and then get on the right medication for that.
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That's the only reason I didn't think I actually wanted to stop
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drinking. So when I lost my apartment in
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the city in April 2017, I moved in with my mum with my tail
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between my legs. This poor lady that I hadn't
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spoken to for, well, you know, not really spoken to for a good
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1015 years. And yeah, she was one of the
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people that I could point my finger at.
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It was your fault. Your fault.
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You know, I was, I had such a bad childhood, but I didn't
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really, you know, they gave me everything they could and they
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did the best they could with the tools they had.
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My dad was a very heavy drinker. Yeah.
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He shared his best friend with me.
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He used to take me to the front bar on a Friday night.
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We drink. And that was from, from a young
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age, you know, from quite a young age.
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And, but I, I know today that that's all he knew.
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So it, it doesn't affect me like it did.
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I was angry at him for many, many years, but I've been able
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to forgive him today. You know, unfortunately he
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passed away in 2010 before I even even considered getting
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sober, afraid and understood that I might have had an issue.
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But when I found that meeting in 2017, August 16th on a Wednesday
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night, I remember standing out there at the front of the
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teacher galley meeting at bringing and I looked through
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the window and I thought, what am I doing here?
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There's just a bunch of old men in there.
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That's, you know, what am I going to get from this?
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I'm not going to get anything. This isn't for me.
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What are they going to have for me in there?
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And I saw one gentleman that I'm very close to today and, and he
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looked a bit rough around the edges, a bit like the people
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that I was hanging around with at the time.
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And so I thought, well, maybe I'll go in and check this out
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because that that kind of intrigued me.
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So I walked in and this beautiful lady, actually she's
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quite short, so I didn't see her, popped her head through the
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crowd and, and introduced herself to me and held out her
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hands. And I instantly felt
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comfortable, you know, and I sat down and I heard, I heard them
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share their stories and, and they might not have been like my
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story, but I identified, you know, something with me inside
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me, knew that I was in the right way.
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And I knew that I was at home. And, and I heard them share
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about what was going on with my body physically, how the alcohol
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affected my nervous system and, and, and how all that stuff that
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was going on with me that I had no explanation for was all
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because of the alcohol and the expensive use that I've been
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been doing. And, and that I was close to
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dead. I heard about wet brains too.
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And, and I knew that the fact that I went from being quite
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astute with math to not being able to do simple addition
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towards the end there was, was quite scary for me.
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I knew that, you know, I was close to, that I was close to
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that wet brain I was talking about.
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And, and I, I, I didn't want to be there.
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I didn't, I didn't want to, I didn't want that to happen to
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me. So I sat down, I listened, I
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cried, I cried like a baby. But it was a good cry, you know,
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it was, it was a cry of relief. And I heard those stories and,
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and I heard hope for the first time in my life that there might
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be a better life for me. There was something better than,
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than what I had on offer. And I went to a meeting the next
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night too. And, and there was that was the
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pain and women's meeting, which was one of the most important
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meetings and, and still is in my life.
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You know, there I met my grand sponsor and she took me to
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meetings after that. And, and I met a few other
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ladies that are still in my life today and guide me on my journey
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and, and, and I cried that whole meeting too.
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But I eventually became secretary of that meeting for
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about 18 months and, and it changed my life and my recovery
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and, and I might not have got this program straight away.
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I found myself a sponsor. He's an amazing lady and she
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gets me more than I get myself most of the time.
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And I got scared. So I, I drank again.
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I drank again five days short of six months.
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But stupidly, I, I didn't come back to meetings.
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You know, I drank because I dropped off meetings because it
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started getting too hard and too real.
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All these feelings started happening and I just didn't
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know, just didn't know how to cope with them.
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I didn't know how to manage them.
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I didn't know what they were. I didn't do feelings.
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I did excessively happy or I did angry.
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That's all, that's all I'd known for a very long time.
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And and when I started looking at myself and saying that some
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of that might have been me, that it wasn't them, they all that,
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that some of it might have actually just been me, I didn't
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want to look at that. I didn't want to accept that.
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So I took the easy way out and, and pick up some booze, but
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having known what was wrong with my body in the end and how close
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I was to, to all these things that, you know, pretty much
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death, I was too scared to drink.
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So I picked up all the stuff and, and for about four or five
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months, I stayed out of the rooms and I, I literally sent
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myself insane. I was trying to work at the same
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time and, and I was completely nuts.
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And I remember I finally had a breakdown at work in in the
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toilet and I was in there for about two hours I think after
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throwing up everywhere. I'm not sure if I passed out.
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I don't know what happened. I do not remember.
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But all I remember is my boss came in and and she said the
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most amazing thing to me. She said she said we're all
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broken but just in different ways.
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So now you've got a choice of what you do.
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I suggest you take some time off and work it out.
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You can either go to the pub and, and get drunk or you can
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get yourself to a meeting and get well.
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And yeah, I, I owe that Lady so much because I did, I, I, I
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walked downstairs and I sat in the park and I, and I thought
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for 5-10 minutes, what will I do?
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I, I don't know what to do. I know, I know what I wanted to
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do. I wanted to go pick up that
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booze. I wanted to go drink.
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I wanted to not think about it. I didn't want to deal with it.
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I didn't want to, I just wanted to wash it away and, and push it
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all down again. But but I didn't something,
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something inside me said that that I was better than that.
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And so I got myself to a meeting and I think it was a meeting I'd
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never been to. There was only four people at it
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was a Saturday meeting at Clarence Gardens.
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I think it was. And, and it was probably one of
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the most important meetings of my life.
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And, and I came back and, and you know, then I got into
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service again. And as I started doing my steps
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properly and I'm really putting some hard work into me and
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accepting some hard truths about myself and, and finding some way
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to get that forgiveness with others.
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And, and you know, I, I then ended up doing a lot of online
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online service as well with the power talk meeting and I managed
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to get. Get those two years out.
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You know, during COVID, I turned 40 in April.
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On the 24th of May I got my 2 year anniversary.
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And yeah, I there were things I hadn't hadn't addressed yet,
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like my my guilt with my dad and and a few issues with him.
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So in June, it was his ten year anniversary of passing and and
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four days later I picked up a drink again because I started
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not listening to to to my sponsor.
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I stopped calling her. I wasn't getting to as many
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meetings online. There wasn't face to face
20:56
meetings. So I could pretend I was all
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right behind that computer. That was easy to do for an hour
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and a half, especially when you're running the meeting.
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Just to say, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, yeah.
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And ask others to share and not so much yourself.
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I wasn't working my recovery. You know, the the triangle of a
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a has three sides for a reason and service unity recovery.
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And you can't you can't sit on A2 legged stool and and I forgot
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the recovery side of it. I forgot about me.
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I started just hiding, hiding behind everything else again.
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And I found myself in a position where I couldn't deal and, and
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instead of talking to people and doing what I knew I had to do,
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instead of putting in the right action and doing those things
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I've been taught, I ignored all of that.
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And I picked up a drink and, and it was horrible.
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It was absolutely horrible. I ended up jumping in front of a
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car within the first six hours. Not to not to kill myself or
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hurt myself, but just because I was angry at someone and they
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wanted to do what I said. And that's the kind of person I
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am. I'm nasty.
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I can be nasty. And just like that, drinking is
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not fun for me anymore. There's nothing left in that
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bottle. I turn into that that evil
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monster straight away and I just, I'm out of control
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straight away. So, you know, now I've got, I'm
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coming up to nine months again. I'm 260 three days clean and
22:30
sober because I you know, I've been not honest with everyone.
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I've been using St. drugs again and I started feeling like a
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fraud. So for me, this this time, it's
22:43
a lot different. I'm I'm putting in more work
22:45
than ever before to myself. I'm not doing as much service
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work, but I still I still am because service work is
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important. You know, as much as I give
22:54
back, I get tenfold from I've got a lot of strong people in in
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in my past that have been put there for God knows why, because
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I'm so lucky. I'm so blessed and I've there's
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so many wonderful people in Adelaide that that helped me on
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my journey that that I just can't, you know, put into words
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how great blame for that. And you know, I'm, I'm going to
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hide this morning. I've just found out this morning
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that I've got a job and it's, it's this perfect dream job for
23:26
me that will work around my meetings, We'll work around my
23:28
service work. Recently I've taken on the
23:32
literature position at the central service office and I'm
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doing 2 days volunteer there as well.
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And, and I'm secretary of the online meetings again.
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And, and life's awesome. You know, my relationship with
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my mum's going along really, really well.
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And for me to say that I never thought I ever would have been
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able to say that I've been able to forgive my dad for everything
23:52
and I've been able to take responsibility for my part.
23:55
And not only that, recently I've started making amends with my
24:00
brother. That's something I never thought
24:04
would ever happen from the time I was 5, that was it.
24:08
We just signed each other. And, and even when I was that
24:11
young silly girl running amok, I, I reached out for help once
24:15
and I, I sat on that resentment because he turned away from me.
24:18
And today I'm able to let go of that and realize that he, he had
24:23
the same lifestyle growing up. And, and maybe he felt the same
24:27
as I did. And, and it's up to me to, to
24:30
build those bridges because I'm the one that has the 12 step
24:33
program. I'm the one that has a
24:35
connection with my higher power and, and has a better
24:39
understanding of myself and the person I want to be and the
24:42
person I am today. And I am I am constantly
24:46
changing. I know that I couldn't see the
24:50
gross in the beginning, but I can today and I can feel it and
24:55
and it's so amazing what's on offer.
24:58
NAA is, is just beautiful. And I have the wonderful,
25:01
wonderful gift of thing. Girls come in today and and
25:06
talking to them and helping them in that in those early days,
25:10
understand what's on offer here. And and it's so beautiful and
25:15
it's miraculous. I wouldn't give it up for
25:17
anything. I know for me it is AIO Amen.
25:22
I, I will always have to do meetings my whole life And, and
25:26
it's not have to for me. I've been one of these people
25:28
from the beginning that's been a meeting person And, and that's,
25:33
you know, as I say, meetings, people make it and it's more
25:36
than just meetings. So it's, it's the fellowship and
25:39
it's, it's the guidance that you get.
25:40
And, and you know, I've got so many people to think that I
25:45
couldn't do it all in one hit, but those people that listen,
25:48
they know who they are. So thank you.
25:51
And I'm filled with love and gratitude and, and, and I'm
25:54
slowly starting to find this this way to have peace inside.
25:58
And I've never felt like that. I've never had calm on the
26:01
inside in my whole life. And today I have that and it's
26:05
all thanks to a A and thanks to the to the fellowship.
26:08
And I know I can go anywhere in the whole world and get that
26:11
just I can walk into a meeting and someone will hold out their
26:14
hand and say, welcome, glad you're here.
26:17
We love you. And it's unconditional.
26:20
And I think that's me done. Thank you, Dennis.
26:25
Thank you for asking me to share.
26:27
Beautiful, beautiful. I hope I did it well.
26:30
Almost like a public speaker. I was blown away.
26:34
I have no idea what I said either.
26:35
Oh do. You want you don't want to work
26:38
on radio, do you? Yes.
26:42
Are you local? Yeah, I.
26:45
Am. Oh, really, Dennis?
26:47
Welcome back. We have a number of local
26:51
meetings in the area. There's a meeting every night in
26:55
the in the Salisbury area. There's one Monday night meeting
26:59
at Gala at 8:00 PM Tuesday, Elizabeth E at 8:00 PM
27:04
Wednesday, Elizabeth E at 8:00 PM, Thursday at 2 Wells at 8:00
27:09
PM, Friday in Salisbury at 8:00 PM, Saturday at Devron Park at
27:15
12:00, Sunday in Salisbury at 7:00 PM.
27:20
And for further details of your local meetings, please call 1300
27:24
Double 22222. Once again, it's up to anyone
27:29
you know struggling with the alcohol issues.
27:32
Please call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 Double 22222 or check
27:38
out their website ata.org dot AU.