Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 20. Everything would be better if...(insert a Prince here) Tackling Codependency in Life after Divorce

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20. Everything would be better if...(insert a Prince here) Tackling Codependency in Life after Divorce · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Hi, love.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: This is Dawn and you're listening to Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the post-divorce life and you, the woman who lives it.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: We cover everything from trauma during and after divorce, to feeling like a stranger in your own life and the new frontier of life as a single woman.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: We're cozy in for the conversations we've been longing to have about this new life.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Hi, love, it's good to see you today.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: I want to talk about the illusion of the prince today, meaning the desire to have all of our problems swept away by a knight in shining armor or Richard Gere in a white limo.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: Whichever you relate to more And this is a super powerful subject because I do think that it has kind of been woven into our consciousness the idea of everything would be better if he would swoop me off my feet with all the money and all of the beautiful trappings of a royal life or whatever.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Whatever that is for you.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: I relate to it very much and I'm going to get into that around my own story.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: But it's a process of kind of unwinding that illusion that we've bought into that we need a partner, or we need a partner who's what we perceive to be more than us.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: But we need something other than self to be okay, to be safe, to be secure, and I want to unwind that today because it is the path to least resistance for all the things you want for your life, love.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: You have sent out a lot of prayers and you have wished on a lot of pennies and fountains and you know ultimately what you want and what you don't want.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: You may have some things where you need a little more clarity, right, but I believe on some level you know what you want, but sometimes you doubt yourself so much that you falter by focusing on someone else manifesting your reality versus you manifesting your reality.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: So this episode is all about switching your attention, your focus, from the idea that some guy with a lot of great stuff is going to rescue you versus you, tapping into the same vibe as Simone Biles quitting the Olympics because she didn't need to prove anything anymore.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: She was going to choose herself, right?
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: So, and it's believing that that same thing that exists, that same magic that exists inside of Simone Biles, absolutely exists inside of you.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: And if you're shaking your head at me right now, girlfriend, cut it out, because the reality is, is that magic does exist in each of us, but we deny it over and over and over again.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: We say who am I?
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: Who am I to be the undisputed champion of I don't know, cardigan knitting?
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: whatever Doesn't matter, whatever, your thing is right.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: And the truth is that we are all that magical, but when we deny, when we don't, when we don't do the magical work of self exploration, when we don't tap in to the magic that is inside of us and instead we stay focused on the magic outside of us.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: Right, we are feeling envy.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: We're focused on envying that relationship, that solution, that family situation, that woman, that those kids who have that life.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: Right, we're envying all this other stuff, which means we are blocked from the magic inside.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: So this podcast is really about where is your focus?
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: Is your focus on a solution outside of you that you perceive is going to come from some magical man, fairy thing?
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: Or is it going to come from you, step by step, listening, expecting, hoping and believing that when you stay tuned in to what is going on inside of you and you stay tapped in to the inspiration that comes when we're on a Easter egg hunt, etc.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: Right, like I don't know.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: When you're looking for the perfect shoe to go with the perfect outfit right, that is fun.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: You feel excited about that, i feel excited about that, let me be honest.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: But whatever you, you know, relate that to for yourself.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: Right, when we say, focus on the joy that comes with hunting for the magical solution, that's very different than staying focused on envying a solution that is not ours.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: Right, richard Gere was Julia Roberts solution And you, my love, have your very own solution.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: And it's not about him, it's about you.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: So when I was in the process of separating, i had spent many let's call it two to three years, i think yeah, two years with cluster headaches And I still experienced them from.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: Experienced them from time to time, but less and less.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: And I'm understanding more and more about where that pain was coming from.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: But something really interesting happened when I became separated.
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: Once he moved out And once we kind of agreed on the process of going separate directions, i started hooking up with this guy and the headache stopped.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: Now I have told myself a lot of stories about that for a lot of years now.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: But what I've come to understand is that when I'm pain free, my body is telling me I'm moving in the right direction and that when I'm feeling pain, i'm blocking some solution.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Did you catch that?
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: So when I'm pain free, i'm moving in the right direction, when I'm feeling a lot of pain, i'm blocking the solution.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Now, at that time in my life I don't think I would have.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: Well, clearly, because I didn't right.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: It would never have occurred to me that the reason I was in pain was because that marriage had served its purpose and its time, its expiration date, had arrived right.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: That would not have been a conscious thought for me, because my belief system at the time was so organized against that right.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: I had made this deal with myself that I was never going to repeat my parents' mistakes, that I was never going to get divorced, and so I was going to try to force that outcome.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: But there was something inside of me that knew that that was not possible, and so I can acknowledge that there was a time in my life where I wanted my ex-husband to rescue me from a certain set of circumstances, and that for a period of time it worked.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: But it wasn't sustainable, because I needed to evolve, i needed to transform into more of myself.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: I needed to do the spiritual work, the therapeutic work of becoming more of myself, because I know in my journey I had taken on so much of other people's belief systems about the God I worshipped, about the body type that I had, about the man I was supposed to marry, about how I related to myself.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: It was a lot of judgment, it was a lot of harsh critical thought, it was a lot of perfectionism, it was a lot of worry, anxiety, frustration, fitful sleep, you know for a lot of years, and so when we're overthinking and we're worrying and when we're not sleeping well, we're not in tune with the truth of who we are Like.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of disconnect going on there, and so our mission then is to get reconnected with self.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: Right, but we sometimes don't like being connected with self, because then we get messages that are like let go of things that aren't serving you, and we're like I cannot, but you can just like some mobiles could let go of the Olympics.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: And there's this really beautiful saying and I'll tag it in the show notes right, but it goes something like this, and there's a few versions of it, right, But it's the idea that change happens when the pain of staying the same hurts more than the pain of change.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: And I really believe that that is the tipping point that is activated when we're walking through the divorce.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: We really, in order to kind of, i think, let go into the flow of what's happening, into the transformational process that is divorce, right, we have to get to that point where we're like me making that sound was really me cursing to that point where it's like it is going to hurt more to stay than it is to go.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: But the thing is that I don't think that that's meant to be how we operate like, happily ever after.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: I think that that's the point where we're like, but the thing is that I don't think that that's meant to be how we operate like, happily ever after, and that, unfortunately, is the system that we've become Used to working under.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: Right, i'm gonna do this until it becomes so painful that I have to give it up.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: So, whether that's Cheetos, or your ex-husband or I don't know, wine or Shopping, right, we're like.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna do this thing until it's so painful.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: I get 9 million very clear messages that this is not serving me.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: But there's a better way to know which direction to turn in life and and which hints to take in which inspiration to grab a hold of, and and that's what I want you to hear from me today is that When you're feeling envy, you're moving the wrong way.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: When you're feeling inspired, you're moving in Your magical path.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: When you're feeling anxious, there's something you're blocking.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: When you're feeling Like you just caught a beautiful idea, when you're feeling a bit of magic, when you're feeling ease, you're moving in the right direction.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: And that Idea of being in that conversation right.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: How many prayers have you sent up and said like, oh God, please like begged, right?
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: just, i need an answer, i need a solution, you know.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: And then if you ever heard that Parable or story or joke, right, that God like there was a person stranded on the roof and They were flooded, the house was flooded and and they were praying for a solution and God sent a helicopter and they're like no.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: No, i'm waiting for God.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: And then God sent a boat and they're like no, no, no, i'm waiting for God, right?
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: sometimes we expect Our rescue, if you will, to look like a prince, right, when really The universe is going to send you a rescue that is meant to be specific to your magic, love, your magic, and when that rescue comes, going with it, is going to feel good.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: So where is your focus if you are focusing on things that feel painful?
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: switch your focus.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: Now, there are times that we need to Do Very temporarily Notice a painful thing for the benefit of Accepting it and putting it down so that we can move forward, right?
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: so, for instance, in therapy, or in coaching, or in journaling, or in EFT Tapping, sometimes we have to just acknowledge the pain of a thing So that we can say, okay, that was that, make sense of it, let that pain flow out of us.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: That's key, right?
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: I want you to let it flow through you and out of you and then put it down and move on and shift your focus.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: But where it starts to become problematic either in therapy or journaling or tapping, or you name it is when you use the tool to hold your focus on the painful thing.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: I don't want you to hold your focus on a painful thing And I certainly don't want you to hold your focus on the people in your life.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: That won't do what you want them to do.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: You know exactly who those people are your ex, your ex-mother-in-law, your ex's attorney, the judge, whomever right.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: I want you to shift your focus away from those things because it is causing you so much pain And there is magic and there are solutions coming from other places.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: So if it feels in flow, go with it.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: If it feels like you're hitting your head against a wall, girlfriend, you are hitting your head against a wall And I want you to try a new way.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: You know what's interesting about having become an EMDR therapist.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: I immediately grabbed onto EMDR because I saw how much faster it got people to the solution.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: It got them through the problem like super fast compared to traditional talk therapy and then got them into the solution.
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: But you know what I noticed after that is people still searched for problems, and then I had to help them learn how to stay focused on solutions, stay focused on things that felt good, and sometimes that's literally how I spend my day now, saying like, nope, switch your focus over there, because EMDR helps you move through the pain so quickly.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: And then the job is to listen and learn and look for the magic that is saying love, your rescue is this way.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: Your rescue is this way, and it's not going to come from you having to be exhausted and scared and alone.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, right.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: It's going to come from you looking within, following what feels good, connecting, believing that people and places and things are rooting for you and that whenever you need the help, it is going to appear.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: So how do you get yourself to that headspace?
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: I want you to.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: So let's do an exercise for a moment.
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: Take a deep breath.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: You know, taking a clearing breath helps remove resistance.
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: So when you take a series of clearing breaths, it helps shed whatever resistance is going on.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: Think about the times you feel most at ease, and I don't mean after you've had that glass of wine, i mean in your natural state.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: When do you feel most at ease?
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: Not when you're numbing out or escaping, necessarily right, like when you're laughing with girlfriends, when you heard the most perfect affirmation or Bible verse, when you were being told an amazing story that made you laugh When you like.
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: When do you feel most at ease?
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: When you meditate, when you finish that spin class, when you watch your kid doing something that is coming from their own magic.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: When do you feel most at ease?
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: When do you feel most inspired?
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: I want you to do more of that.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: When you're feeling shitty, when you're fantasizing about some knight in shining armor coming to get you, i want you to switch your focus to believing that you have all the magic within you and you know it because you feel it at this time, this time, this time, this time and this time Those moments where you are able to celebrate yourself, when you feel in the zone And listen.
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: It's not going to come overnight.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: It's going to come from you, consistently switching your focus from envy and frustration and resentment to switching your focus to you winning.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: So where are the places where you feel super in tune with winning and do more of that?
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: Less pain, more gain.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: And as you do that every day, every day, every day, every day, everything is going to shift for you love.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: Everything is going to shift And, before you know it, you are going to be the badass bitch who rescued herself.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: I mean, you already are her.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: You just haven't realized it yet, right?
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: And here's the thing I know you are her, and one of the things that I often have to switch my focus away from is women, who don't realize it about themselves, because sometimes I get so caught up in but love, if you only saw yourself through my eyes, and sometimes I can spiral out on that, believing in you more than you believe in yourself, so much that it's hard for me to take my eyes off of you while I impatiently wait for you to get the memo.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: So here's your memo.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: You are pure magic that has just been in a bad habit of blocking that magic, and this divorce is an invitation for you to become really tapped into your magic.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: And anytime you need a little reminder, i'm here.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: Guided journaling is here.
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: Emdr is here.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: Beautiful communities all over are around, but make sure the communities are focused on the solution and not rehearsing the problem, because if you're in communities that are rehearsing the problem, that doesn't feel good and that is not where you were meant to be.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: That is blocking magic.
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: Find what feels good, not just what numbs, but find what feels authentically good And go with that.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: Find what resonates with you and trust it when you sense it.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: That's the thing, right?
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: I relate so much to doubting myself and doubting my science.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: You ever asked for a sign from the universe and then doubt that it's a sign from the universe.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: We're done with that, love.
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: We're done with that.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: If you ask for a sign from the universe and you believe that it is coming, it is coming.
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: And when you get it, yes, trust it, go with it.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: Go with it Because you are loved and everything that you want is just waiting for you to tap into it.
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: And it can come faster than you think.
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: It's going to come as fast as you are willing to focus on finding the magic versus focusing on the problem.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: And it can come as fast as you are willing to stay tuned to that solution, towards believing in yourself and that the solutions are coming.
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: I love you so much.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: There are so many beautiful people who are rooting for you, and if there's something specific you need help shifting out of, just message me love, just message me right.
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: Here's a sign If you're struggling with something and you can't figure out how to get out of that struggle, just send me a message.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: Just click in the show notes and send me a message And I will help you shift your focus to the winning focus because there is opportunity all around you.
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: You don't need Richard Gere, you don't need a Disney Prince.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: You have your own magic inside of you and you are going to go with that And I'm going to talk soon.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: I love you so much Peace.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by my coach John.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: You can find more at mycoachjohncom.