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United in Marriage: Reflecting Christ in Our Homes · DFC Podcast

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Welcome to the Dorchester Family Church podcast, our vision to be
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a church known for our love. Our wholehearted love for God,
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our authentic love for each other, and our compassionate
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love for our community. Each week get fueled up to
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worship passionately, grow meaningfully together, and make
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an eternal impact on the lives around you.
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Lean in close as we explore this Sunday's practical Bible based
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message unpacking that transformative vision.
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Good morning. So this morning we begin a sort
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of mini section of the Ephesians letter and in a few minutes
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we'll get to our main passage and main topic for this morning,
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which is unity in our marriages, What it looks like when we
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invite the unity with Christ that we celebrate and sing about
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and bring that into our homes and our most intimate
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relationships. But before we do that, I first
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we need to set the greater context.
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So if you have your Bibles, please turn with me to Ephesians
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5 chapter verse 21, which will set the scene for the next three
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talks in our Ephesians series. And Paul writes verse 21, submit
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to one another out of reverence for Christ.
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Now, there's some variation probably in your of how
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different Bible translations locate this verse.
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Some of your Bibles will tag it onto the previous section for
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the simple reason that in the Greek, the language Paul wrote
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the book, verses 18 to 21 is just one sentence and not 4 as
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some English translations make it.
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Perhaps you know that verse numbers were only added 15
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centuries after the New Testament was written to help us
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better navigate, study, and memorise the Bible.
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However, like some other Bible translations, I've chosen to
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place it at the beginning of the next section.
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Firstly because Paul's use of punctuation is never great
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anyway. Sometimes his grammar reminds me
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of my teenage children's WhatsApp messages which need my
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constant correction. And secondly, while it does look
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back to the previous list of what it looks like to be
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children of light, what the will of God is for us and what being
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filled with the Spirit looks like, it also looks forward to
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the next section where Paul describes what living out the
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gospel looks like, first in marriages, then in parenting,
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and then in our workplaces. So yes, it gives us real world
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application about what it looks like to live worthy of Our
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Calling and status. But as importantly, it sets the
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scene for where the gospel meets real life.
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Essentially, this is what walking with the Spirit and in
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the light of the gospel looks like in the nitty gritty of
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life. So here in verse 21, Paul is
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beginning with our hearts before moving on to our homes and
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having been saved from the selfishness of sin.
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The the obsession of getting my own way of always having to be
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right. Instead, the gospel has freed us
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to have an attitude of submissive hearts.
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Paul is saying you were set free from sin.
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It no longer has power over you. You are now able to submit
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ourselves, our opinions and our desires to something greater.
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And so we see this command to submit to one another.
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Now some Christians have used this verse unhelpfully and I
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would say wrongly so. They speak about full mutual
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submission where authority is no longer relevant for the
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believer. Or worse, it's dangerous somehow
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dangerous and anti gospel or anti grace.
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A sort of who are you to tell me what to do?
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Surely thanks to the gospel we're all equal.
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Thanks to Jesus I'm free to do whatever I want.
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Or indeed others reduce submission to simply being
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thoughtful and considerate or acting in love towards one
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another. So we remove all call to
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authority that way. So I don't need to obey, I just
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need to be thoughtful and considerate in my heart towards
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them while I ignore their self appointed authority, which again
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can feel freeing and empowering. And yet it comes from the world
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and the enemy and a misunderstanding of biblical
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submission because the Bible word, the Greek word Paul uses
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here is hyperteso, which always refers to submitting to
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authority. Like in Luke 2 where where Luke
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says that Jesus submitted to his parents.
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Or in Luke 10 where Jesus tells his disciples that even the
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demons will be subject to you. Clearly Jesus Luke did not imply
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Mary and Joseph should obey the infant Christ or expect us to be
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considerate or loving to evil spirits destroying the lives of
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men and women. No, in Christ's name we have
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authority to tell them to abuse no longer and to leave.
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Therefore, this isn't about why he's refusing to submit to their
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husbands because verse 21 tells him to submit to me first, or
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where we dishonour our leaders because they're supposed to
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submit to the will of their employees or their
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congregations, or indeed children choosing to disrespect
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their parents because they have no right to tell me what to do.
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This is not a sort of democratic utopianism.
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This is gospel lived out humility.
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Verse 21 says God has a plan for godly, healthy, safe gospel
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living, and we're called to submit to that plan as we to
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submit to one another. It's about refusing to elevate
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ourselves, whether through leadership or through rebellion,
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is having the mind and attitude of Christ, who remained King of
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kings even as he humbled himself to the will of his Father, to
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obedience to earthly parents, even respect for earthly
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governments of his time. So we submit to one another, and
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we do so out of reverence or respect for Christ.
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We do not submit because the other person is perfect, because
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our husbands or our parents or our bosses will get everything
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right. No, we submit out of reverence
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to Christ, to honour him first. And remembering again the
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connection to the previous section about what it means to
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be full of the Spirit and what walking with the Spirit looks
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like. It is singing songs.
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It is giving thanks. It's also submitting to
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God-given authority. Because again, it's funny how
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often Christians can get this wrong.
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We can equate the Holy Spirit with some 60s free spirit like
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to do whatever I want to live my best life.
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And you see people come to church and claim to be
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spiritual, but actually they really just come across as
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holier than thou and a law only unto themselves.
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Paul says here you're you're not that's not walking with the
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Spirit. You're full of something, but it
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may not be the Spirit of God. But instead the Spirit wants to
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glorify and honour Christ by making us more and more like
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Him. As John Stop puts it, the
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English author. Sometimes a person who claims to
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be filled with the Spirit becomes aggressive, self
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assertive and brash. But the Holy Spirit is a humble
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spirit and those who are truly filled with Him always display
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the meekness and gentleness of Christ.
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It's one of their most evident characteristics that they submit
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to one another and we do so out of fear or honour for Christ.
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We choose humility before others to show our respect of Him.
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We show a worship in heart, not just by singing songs or
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presenting our offerings, but in submitting to the structures God
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gave us and the pattern of holy living we see in Scripture.
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So therefore, as we move into the specific sections, let's be
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asking ourselves, how is my devotion to Christ being shown
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through my obedience to these commands?
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How is my servant submission or servant leadership reflecting
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Jesus to my family and to those around me?
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If submission is a fruit of the Holy Spirit living in me, how
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can I be grown more and more in that fruit?
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So verse 21 is a call to humility before God, before the
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structures he's established for my good and my growth, for the
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growth of the gospel and the increase of his Kingdom of peace
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and justice and righteousness. It's not a call for for
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egalitarianism, where everyone submits to everyone equally,
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making us free to pick and choose the authority we want to
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honour and those we choose to ignore or worst, rebel against.
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Therefore, as we continue the passage over these next three
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talks, we'll get to see how wonderfully the Gospel doesn't
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just change our relationship with God, but can and should
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lead to new relationships with one another.
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And 1st, today we get to consider how the Gospel
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transforms and redeems our marriage relationship.
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Although I feel like I need to begin with the trigger warning,
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this teaching is going to offend and upset people if I haven't
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already done so. And I know this because the
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Bible tells me it will. I know this because when you go
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back to the very beginning we did the Garden of Eden, we began
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with a marriage. The only perfect marriage in
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history. And not just as the old joke
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goes. It was perfect because Adam had
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a wife but not a mother-in-law and Eve didn't have to worry
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about all the other men she had to could have married.
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Now in the beginning it was perfect, but then sin came in
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and in Genesis 3 God declared a curse.
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And I don't really think this was God cursing us.
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This was God saying this is the curse you brought on yourself.
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I don't think Genesis is so much God's punishment.
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Genesis 3 is so much God's punishment for sin.
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More is our payment for our sin and for Adam and Eve and every
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husband and wife, that since there exists a brokenness, as
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Genesis 3 warns us, the wife will seek to throw off the
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authority of her husband, and the husband's default sinful
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choice will be to Lord it over his wife and not lead her in
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love. And since then, right up to this
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time, in, in, in moment in time, the man's temptation is for self
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absorption. The wife's temptation is for
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self protection. And as we saw back then and
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still see today, marriages that are are meant to be the place of
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of total safety, value, unconditional acceptance.
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Instead, they've become battlefields and minefields, a
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place of dispute and discord or tragically, even abuse and
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violence. But wonderfully, because of
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Jesus, this doesn't have to be the case.
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Instead, marriages can return to their original purpose.
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They can be an incredible opportunity to live out the
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gospel, a place where Jesus is able, when invited, to bring us
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new life, not just life after death, but new life here today.
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And it's a place where the gospel can shine out into the
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darkness and sadness, sadness and hopelessness of our world
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and the homes around us. And so we begin with the wives.
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Ladies first, as always, verse 22, wives, submit yourselves to
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your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
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For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head
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of the body, the church's body over which he is the Saviour.
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Now as the church submits to Christ, so or so wives should
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submit to their husbands in everything.
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Notice this isn't all women submitting to all men, it's
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wives submitting to your husbands.
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This isn't men simply by nature of their gender having authority
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over women. This is submission within the
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covenant of marriage. But why is that?
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Is it because men are inherently better or wiser, or more worthy?
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No. Is it because women are
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inherently less capable or less worthy?
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No. Is it because the husband is
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always the more mature, emotionally, spiritually,
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intellectually? Heavens know, but because God
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has ordained it that way, surely we have to agree that the maker
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gets to decide how things are made.
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The sustainer of life gets to decide how life will be
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sustained. And here Paul gives 2 reasons
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for this, creation and redemption or salvation.
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So first Paul writes that the husband is the head of the wife
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seen as you go back to creation and not just for the first two
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humans but the first married couple where the Bible declares
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that it was Adam who was created first and give an authority and
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final accountability and Eve was miraculously it would seem born
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out of Adam. Paul is saying headship is not
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the outworking of a principle, it's a principle itself
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determined by God and recorded in Scripture.
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As we read in Genesis, men and women were created equal, both
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image bearers of God, but that doesn't mean identical.
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And although the world cannot understand that distinction, if
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we're to live by the world, by the word, we need to see it and
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do our best to live it out. So John Stott, he says this is
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not chauvinism, this is creationism.
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The biblical teaching is that God has given to man,
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specifically the husband, in a marriage relationship, a certain
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headship, and that his wife will find herself and her true
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God-given role not in rebellion against him or his headship, but
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in a voluntary and joyful submission.
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So we see a wife's submission comes out of the plan of God
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from the beginning. And just as when Jesus was asked
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about the legality of divorce, particularly a husband's right
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to dismiss a wife who no longer pleased him, he didn't ask the
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view of the prevailing culture. He didn't think about
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traditional human wisdom. He went back to the beginning
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too. And so if Jesus used creation as
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the principle, we need to be careful that we're not claiming
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to be more enlightened than he is, because accept it or reject
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it, The one thing we can't do is edit it, because Scripture is
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clear. And so as well as the reason
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from creation, we also have one from redemption.
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Because marriage isn't meant to be a battle, hopefully sprinkled
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with a little bit more grace and forgiveness if we call ourselves
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Christians. Instead, marriage is designed to
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be a living parable of the Christian faith, where as we
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will see Christ the husband lovingly giving himself for his
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bride, and us the church, the wife willingly submitting
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herself to her husband, who has paid all her debts and gave her
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a new status and future and hope in him.
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Verse 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives
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should submit to their husbands in everything, because the
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church's submission is not unthinking slavery to Christ's
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rule now. It's joyful acceptance.
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It's the willing obedience of faith that what Jesus says is
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only good and true and best for me, even though it might cost me
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everything. Christ's headship is about care,
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not control. It's about us growing in
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maturity and unity. So of course, as a bride we can
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accept that headship. Marcus Bath, the commentator,
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wrote the submission and respect for the husband to which the
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wife is specifically admonished. It's by no means the
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submissiveness of a Pussycat or a crouching dog.
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Paul is thinking of a voluntary, free, joyful and thankful
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partnership, as the analogy of the relationship of the church
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to Christ shows. And let us also be careful that
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our submission is not just in some areas.
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As the old saying goes, Christ is either Lord of all or he is
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not Lord at all. So too, we must be careful that
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we don't submit only in those areas that we want to submit,
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which is why Paul adds in everything.
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Because if we're saying we're submitting to authority only
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when we want to, or when we agree, or when we can see the
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immediate benefits, that's not submission.
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As God commands for our lives, We can't expect the blessing of
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obedience without full commitment to obedience.
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But wonderfully, wives, you have an incredible opportunity to
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demonstrate the gospel in your homes, before your families,
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before your work colleagues, maybe before unbelieving
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spouses. Our faith in Jesus can shine out
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beautifully and brilliantly in the way you honour your husbands
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and the father of your children, if you have them.
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Now it isn't easy because unlike Christ, husbands will get things
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wrong. I would say ask Louise about it.
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But no, please don't ask Louise about that.
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But surely this is all the more reason to pursue these things
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humbly offering and seeking forgiveness at all times,
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because not only is this God's plan from creation, back in
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verse 17, we said this is also his will for your life, but it's
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also a vital way He wants to reveal himself to a lost world
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and some very unsafe and sadly unfulfilled marriages.
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And of course, it also needs to be the pattern for relationships
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coming after us if we want to teach safe, fulfilled, life
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giving relationships to the next generation.
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And finally, don't worry wives, the call on the husband is even
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harder and requires far more spiritual help.
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Listen to this verse 25. Husbands, love your wives, just
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as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, to make
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her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the
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Word, and to present her to himself as a radiant bride,
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without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and
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blameless. In this same way, husbands ought
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to love their wives as their own bodies.
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He who loves his wife loves himself.
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After all, no one has ever hated their own body, but they feed
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and care for their body, just as Christ does the Church, for we
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are members of His body. For this reason, a man will
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leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the
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two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but
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I'm talking about Christ and the Church.
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However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves
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himself, and the wife must respect her husbands.
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Husbands, love your wives, how much?
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As much as Christ loved the church?
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Wow, I could just leave it there, couldn't we?
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Let's let you know. The imperative for wives is to
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submit. The one for husbands is to love
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as Christ's love. Anyone feel they need help with
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that? Let's step forward for prayer.
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And if you're married and you don't move, you're not listening
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properly. But Paul does share a few more
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points, so I will make those before we rush into ministry.
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Because this is what a husband's love is meant to look like.
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It looks like Christ. Wow husbands, what an honour we
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have to represent Christ and the Gospel in the way that we treat
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and care for and protect and honour and love and cherish our
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wives. And how was Christ's lover as
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revealed? Well, in the sacrifice we
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remembered as we walked together on Good Friday?
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Well, those of us like myself who weren't in A&E at the time,
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and the love that we celebrated on Sunday.
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And this of course is the very opposite of what we saw in the
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Garden of Eden, where with Adam we first saw this apathy,
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allowing Eve to hear the lies of the serpent and doing nothing,
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refusing to lead his family away from temptation.
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And then you see the blame game, where this gift of God, our
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wives then becomes the enemy, the source and excuse for our
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sin. And then this history of
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marriage since where the husbands have lauded it over
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their wife like some king who demands everything and offers
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little, some master who must be soothed and appeased, which has
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then been the history of husbands ever since, A
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combination of apathy, letting the wife lead emotionally,
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spiritually, physically, sometimes financially.
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Or blame game where we blame our parents, the world, our wives
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for while we are what we are. Well, I'm lazy because my father
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was lazy. And worst of all, you have
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husbands who believe marriage vows give them permission to
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abuse, turning the very thing that was meant to bring love and
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security into something so dangerous and devastating.
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Yet as Christians, through the Gospel, we husbands are given
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the most beautiful, protecting, supporting, and serving example
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of what true love looks like and what a marriage should look
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like. We have Christ and his bride,
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the Church, the one who was fully worthy, giving himself up
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for one who had made herself totally unworthy, the perfect
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one, faithful even to death for the one who had proved to be
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totally faithless to him. This is our model of love.
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This is to be our definition of a husband's love, not the ever
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changing definition of love that the world might offer.
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And as Paul reminds us here, that just as there was a goal
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for Christ's love, so I think there's also a goal for a
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husband's love. There's an end.
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There's a destination we're heading towards.
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Listen to these words he says to present her to himself as a
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radiant church, without stain or wrinkle, any other blemish, but
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holy and blameless. Of course we can't sanctify our
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wives. We can wash them with water and
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you know, physically with with consent as well.
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Of course we can't wash them spiritually.
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No husband can save their wife. But our job, I would argue our
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primary job is to do all that we can to promote her holiness, to
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nurture it, make space for it. Lay, lay aside our own desires
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to make that happen. Husbands, your love for your
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wife is to be shown in how you walk with her lovingly, lead her
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more and more into the holy life that Christ died to offer her.
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Which makes it all the more sad when you see husbands who seem
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to do the very opposite, standing in the way of that
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progress and that growing maturity and holiness.
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I know for Louise I have to be so careful, so watchful that my
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desires, my hobbies, my love of self, my any unfulfilled dreams
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of satisfaction or success lurking in my heart doesn't
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become a barrier to the spiritual growth in her that God
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wants. So when family devotions and
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couples prayer need to happen, husbands, that's your
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responsibility. When the pains and difficulties
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of frustrations of life come, husbands, your love will be
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shown in how you bring your family to God, keeping them
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worshipping, praying and seeking God, not in trying to fix
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everything or buying or medicating our way out of pain.
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Now I know for good reasons, husbands can think their
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greatest priorities to be the breadwinner, to ensure our
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family are fed and clothed and housed.
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But how easy does that then slip into thinking?
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Therefore, I need to earn as much as I can to give my wife
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and kids the best life possible. But what if we trusted God for
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the physical stuff? Yes, we worked hard, but we
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didn't live to work. What if our family's holiness
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was our first priority? How different might life be?
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What if I saw my key role and the best expression of my love
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for my wife to be always cooperating with Christ?
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To present my bride before himself as blameless and set
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apart as Christ wants her to be? Imagine how different our
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marriages, our homes, our families, our church would be if
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every husband made that their first goal.
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So a husband's love is meant to look like Christ.
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It's also looked like the love we have for ourselves.
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Now this isn't as high and lofty, but perhaps it's a more
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helpful analogy for us. Because let's face it, guys, men
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don't have a problem loving themselves.
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They may try and hide that pride, keep it veiled, but most
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of us think we are God's gift to our wives, don't we?
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We empty the dishwasher. We wonder why streamers don't
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fall from the ceiling. We change one nappy and we think
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that we're so modern and enlightened.
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We generously give our wives some of our hard earned money,
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so inviting her to spoil herself with such luxuries as groceries
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and toilet paper. We cook once, maybe twice a
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week, and we think that's us doing more than our fair share.
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The Bible is nothing but honest and realistic.
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Verse 28. In this same way, husbands ought
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to love their wives as their own bodies.
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If our body is hungry, we feed it.
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If it's sad, we come for it. If it's in pain, we find
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healing. If it's stressed, we give it
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rest. If the golden rule is due to
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yours, due to others as you would have them do to you.
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Husbands, do this for your wives.
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Don't try and explain everything, just listen.
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Don't try and fix everything. Your wives are probably smarter
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and would have thought of a better solution already.
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Just be there for them. Don't feel that your family
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needs an activities coach, they just need a present husband and
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father. But of course, this is more than
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just practical insight, it's a spiritual reality too.
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She is your own body, you are hers.
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In the wedding ceremony, you vowed to be 1 flesh, not 2
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bodies cohabiting for convenience reasons.
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So treat your wife's body, in fact every part of her, as your
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own because you are one. One flesh is not just about
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sexual union, it's about everything.
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So don't have backed separate bank accounts because inevitably
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that will lead to separate finances and inconsistency. 1
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Flesh is about worshipping together, not taking turns to
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worship. I find it sad when I see couples
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who just seem to alternate worship but like it's some
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religious duty. Well, you go this week and I'll
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go next, as long as our family seats aren't empty.
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It's about being generous before God, as we both want to be.
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How unfair is it if my stinginess or love of the world
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or self takes away from Louise's eternal rewards and investments?
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It could be about mealtimes together where we properly catch
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up and share a devotion, or shared bedtimes.
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Because statistically, it's highly unlikely you will marry
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someone who wants to go to bed at exactly the same time as you.
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So out of love we discipline and adapt our bodies, but it's not a
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sure, it's a delight. As Stephen Fowl wrote, love of
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1's own body is uncoerced joyfully and unselfconsciously
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offered. This is evident because no one
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hates his own body, rather he happily cares for it and
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nurtures it. Therefore, according to Paul,
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everyone and everyone who's ever met a man before, the marriage
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relationship will be stronger and more gospel centred if the
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husband loved his wife as much as he loves his own body.
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And as we read earlier, the the love the husbands are called to
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offer is the one we've received and live each day in the good of
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the love that Christ has for his church.
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So if you think that wives submitting is hard, loving like
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Christ is an even higher calling.
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If you think wives submitting is countercultural, perpetuating
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some dangerous patriarchy, how much more countercultural should
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a husband's love be as they love their wives with the same self
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emptying love that Christ offers his Church?
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And so just as wives reveal Christ's submission with
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equality before the Father, so husbands get to get to reflect
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Christ's leadership through servanthood and self sacrifice.
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I love how Cathy Keller puts it both men and women get to play
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the Jesus role in marriage, Jesus in his sacrificial
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authority. Men, husbands, Jesus in his
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sacrificial submission, wives. Because in Ephesians we're not
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just amazed by the gospel, we get to see how the gospel has
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power to transform every part of our lives, especially our most
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precious relationships. And in a moment, we're going to
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get to pray. With that goal in mind, maybe
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the band could come up to help us move into this time of prayer
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and communion and recommitment. You know, one of the great
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themes of the Bible is covenants, both the covenants
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God offers mankind, whether through individuals like Abraham
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or David, and ultimately through the new covenant, through Jesus,
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the one we're going to remember through communion in a few
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minutes. But the Bible also describes the
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covenants given by God, initiated by him for human
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relationship and human flourishing.
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And marriage, I hope you can agree, is the greatest of these.
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Parenting is another, but the goal is growing independence
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where while marriage is the only till death us do part covenant
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we have and this marriage covenant when both walking with
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the Spirit of God and obedience to the world, the the word of
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God has such beauty of faithfulness, commitment and
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self sacrifice. It is hard because we're
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imperfect. Therefore we're committing
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ourselves to unavoidable pain and frustration.
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And we all get it wrong. So we're also committing
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ourselves to constant forgiveness and giving up the
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right to resentment. But when the gospel of grace is
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central, when we choose to prefer the other, and when we
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live under the commands of God, as we see here, even the tough
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times, even the unintentional sins of the other, actually
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strengthen the relationship and don't crush it.
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Battlefields become harvest fields.
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All our differences produce a unity in US.
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Love this quote by Wayne Grudem. He said husbands should aim for
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loving, considerate, thoughtful leadership in their families.
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Wives should aim for active, intelligent, joyful submission
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to their husbands authority. Following a biblical pattern,
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husbands and wives will discover true biblical manhood and
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womanhood in all their noble dignity and joyful complimentary
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as God created them to be, and will thus reflect more fully the
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image of God in their lives. And as well as leading to their
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straight, strongest identities, these marriages will also be
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able to display the greatest purpose for which this covenant
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was given. So we read in verses 31 and 32.
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For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and
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be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
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This is a profound mystery, but I'm talking about Christ and the
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Church. When we obey the pattern God's
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Word has laid down for marriage, regardless of what our culture
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might be saying, marriage becomes a wonderful display and
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demonstration of the good news we want the world to see.
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As we serve one another and prefer the one another, we are
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making visible what God has done for us in Christ.
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Because history began with a marriage as the culmination of
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God's first creation. The unity of man and woman was
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given to represent the unity of God Himself, three persons in
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one, and the unity of heaven and earth that we enjoyed at the
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beginning. But sadly, that marriage and
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every marriage since has been marred by sin.
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But Ephesians 5 points to a new lived out gospel where the power
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of sin is broken for all who have trusted in the cross of
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Christ and the penalty of sin is no longer has to define our
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relationships because Christ paid that cost in full on the
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cross. Instead, each day we can enjoy a
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new relationship of servant leadership and servant
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submission and one that points ahead to how history will be
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concluded. Because just as history began
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with a marriage, it will also end with a marriage as Christ
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returns to claim his now spotless, blameless bride, us
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the Church. To Paul, this is the mystery
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that all marriages point to. Not a mystery that some of us
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could know or a mystery only known to God, but a mystery
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being fully revealed through Jesus Christ.
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The incredible 1 flesh of earthly marriages declaring the
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even greater oneness of our unity with Christ, the beautiful
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self giving husband, making us his bride, the the church holy
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and blame us forever. Well, death well, where death
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will not separate, but in fact death will consummate that
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unity. Today we say till death us do
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part, because one day we will celebrate that even death will
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not part us from Christ. Amen.
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May that be our inspiration. May that be the goal of our
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prayers. May that be the desire of our
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hearts for all the marriages in our church.
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Amen. Amen.
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Why don't we stand? Thank you for listening to the
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Dorchester Family Church podcast.
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We pray that God's Word ignited a flame in you today to burn
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brighter for Him. But the journey doesn't stop
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here. Stay motivated by visiting
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dfc.org.uk to get plugged into community, join a small group,
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find serving opportunities, and take your next steps in joyfully
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living out your faith every day. Please join us next week as we
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continue being equipped to wholeheartedly worship,
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intentionally grow, and boldly go make disciples.
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Grace and peace until next time.