Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 47: Lying Isn't Just a Behavior--It's a Survival Strategy (Until It Isn't Anymore)

Transcript

47: Lying Isn't Just a Behavior--It's a Survival Strategy (Until It Isn't Anymore) · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:02
  Hey everybody, so here's my question for you.
• 0:04
  Have you ever caught yourself lying before you even realized
• 0:07
  it? I have, and I've learned that
• 0:10
  lying isn't always about being dishonest.
• 0:12
  It's often about trying to survive something that is way
• 0:15
  deeper than that. What we're going to explain this
• 0:18
  episode is we're going to explore what's happening in the
• 0:20
  brain when we lie and why it becomes like a reflex for some
• 0:25
  people, and how we can build boundaries that bring us back
• 0:29
  into integrity. And we're going to do that
• 0:31
  without expecting perfection. So let's jump into it.
• 0:37
  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
• 0:39
  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
• 0:42
  in this space today. What we're going to be doing is
• 0:44
  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
• 0:48
  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
• 0:51
  about a single action or a moment.
• 0:53
  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
• 0:56
  the rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
• 0:59
  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
• 1:02
  regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
• 1:05
  beyond a. Conversation.
• 1:06
  You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
• 1:09
  incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
• 1:12
  Because when you dare to show. Up fully, the rewards are
• 1:15
  immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the Facade.
• 1:17
  Let's get started all. Right, everybody, here's what
• 1:21
  we're going to go through. We in this episode, we're going
• 1:23
  to the episode's name is lying isn't just a behavior, it's a
• 1:27
  survival strategy and tell it isn't anymore.
• 1:31
  I want to repeat that one more time.
• 1:32
  Lying isn't just a behavior, it's a strategy, survival
• 1:36
  strategy and tell it isn't anymore.
• 1:38
  I just wanted to share with you a story that I from one of my
• 1:42
  own stories, my personal story. There was a time that I finally
• 1:49
  started to come into reality and what I found myself doing after
• 1:53
  Rd. day was noticing that I was starting to catch myself in a
• 1:59
  lie. So maybe a small one, but being
• 2:03
  exposed to something deeper and I didn't want to go back to old
• 2:06
  patterns. So what I recognize, but my
• 2:10
  partner caught this before I did, was is the, Oh my goodness,
• 2:15
  Luke's not just going to all the sudden be able to be completely
• 2:18
  honest and just be able to do it automatically and just not tell
• 2:21
  a lie anymore. Because of the amount of books
• 2:23
  she was reading about the attic brain.
• 2:26
  She was like, hey, he's going to fall down.
• 2:29
  So what type of falling down is going to happen?
• 2:31
  And I have some strong feelings that she had to discover this
• 2:34
  before I did because I just wanted to not lie anymore
• 2:37
  because it was too painful. And it was obviously painful for
• 2:40
  her, but it was really painful for me too, because they were
• 2:43
  just white lies, stupid little lies.
• 2:46
  So she put a boundary in place around lying.
• 2:49
  If the lie was carried for a long time, there was going to be
• 2:53
  a different consequence. But we don't call them
• 2:55
  consequences because they aren't.
• 2:57
  There was going to be a different outcome if I held onto
• 3:01
  a lie for a long time. So if I came forward within like
• 3:04
  30 minutes, it was treated differently.
• 3:07
  OK, She could respond to me differently.
• 3:10
  If I came forward within 30 minutes than she did, then she
• 3:14
  could respond and be in a relationship with me if it was
• 3:16
  carried on for a long time. So it was treated differently.
• 3:20
  I'm going to encourage you as we go to this today to maybe adopt
• 3:22
  something that's internal for yourself.
• 3:25
  That's not because of pressure because it's wise.
• 3:29
  What what was her boundary? Wasn't her boundary anymore.
• 3:33
  It was mine because I recognized that I want to build this to my
• 3:36
  values. So that's we're going to be
• 3:37
  going through today. So first of all, lying isn't
• 3:40
  just a behavior, it's a survival strategy.
• 3:44
  And in many ways it works until it doesn't.
• 3:46
  So that's how I started this thing off, right?
• 3:49
  So it works until it doesn't. What does that mean?
• 3:52
  In this episode, we're going to talk about understanding why we
• 3:57
  believe it until it doesn't work anymore.
• 3:59
  Because how many times have been this experience?
• 4:01
  It seems like the best thing to do is, is not share the truth.
• 4:05
  And then when truth comes out, it's so plain to see that the
• 4:08
  best thing I could have done is just be truthful.
• 4:10
  So what we're going to do is we're going to get curious about
• 4:13
  what's happening inside the brain and how people in recovery
• 4:16
  can shift from that surviving to living truthfully.
• 4:20
  And I want to just acknowledge, especially for the partners that
• 4:23
  are listening here today, this topic can feel so raw.
• 4:27
  So lying hurts, but understanding doesn't minimize
• 4:33
  the impact. It gives us a path forward.
• 4:35
  I just want to acknowledge that for the partners that are
• 4:37
  listening. OK, here's the neuroscience of
• 4:40
  lying. So you have the prefrontal
• 4:42
  cortex. And this didn't make sense to me
• 4:44
  at first. By the way, lying actually takes
• 4:47
  more effort than telling the truth.
• 4:50
  So this part of the brain handles impulse control and
• 4:55
  decision making. So that's why lying can feel
• 4:58
  mentally exhausting. It's because you're holding back
• 5:00
  truth. You're planning your story.
• 5:03
  You're making your next move. You're managing emotions all at
• 5:06
  once. OK.
• 5:08
  But I wouldn't have never believed that until I understood
• 5:11
  the next part, which is the amygdala desensitization.
• 5:15
  All right, So in the beginning, lying triggers guilt and fear in
• 5:20
  your brain's alarm systems. They go off, but over time,
• 5:24
  especially if there's no consequence, the amygdala
• 5:27
  becomes like less reactive. So lying starts to feel easier
• 5:33
  and can go like you basically can go numb to it.
• 5:36
  And then there's this other piece of the way the brain
• 5:40
  works. It's called threat avoidance.
• 5:42
  So the brain doesn't know the difference between physical
• 5:46
  threat and emotional threats. So if you fear rejection of
• 5:51
  shame is something you just can't handle and that conflict,
• 5:55
  your brain reacts the same way. So line becomes a reflex to like
• 5:59
  stay safe, not necessarily to manipulate.
• 6:04
  And I guess speaking to the partners, I hope nobody
• 6:07
  weaponizes this information on you of that.
• 6:10
  Hey, I'm trying to stay safe right now, but also just
• 6:13
  bringing some acknowledgement to the compulsive, the
• 6:17
  compulsiveness, the attic nature of it is a survival mechanism.
• 6:23
  So it's important to be understood, but it's not an
• 6:25
  excuse. But I don't know what that
• 6:27
  brings up for you. I don't know if that's like, OK,
• 6:29
  I already knew that or that's different than I've heard of it
• 6:33
  before. I don't know if that'll be
• 6:33
  empowering or frustrating, but it gets to be whatever it is for
• 6:37
  you. Psychological insight.
• 6:40
  OK, so here's the thing, just some insights on the brain.
• 6:42
  So lying is that defense mechanism.
• 6:45
  A lot of this lie, the lying is a defense mechanism to protect
• 6:50
  the version of themselves that they think others want to see.
• 6:54
  All right, so that's what the protection is.
• 6:56
  I have to lie to make sure that you see me the same way you do.
• 7:01
  And it often is about like maintaining that fault, that
• 7:04
  false self, that mask that not authentic self, not true self.
• 7:09
  And it feels like that's there will be more lovable and more
• 7:13
  acceptable and it makes it's worth the risk because that's
• 7:18
  what I'll need to do to have people accept me.
• 7:21
  The other piece I want to share with you is when men say, I
• 7:24
  don't know why I lied. Sorry, I just said men, I just
• 7:27
  genderize. I do that too often here.
• 7:29
  So anybody that has compulsive behavior, women or men, they
• 7:34
  will ask themselves, I don't know why I lied.
• 7:36
  So this is often true. There's a reflexive or
• 7:40
  dissociative quality to when lying becomes habitual.
• 7:44
  That's why we need like boundaries within ourselves, not
• 7:46
  just a commitment to try harder is we have to have something
• 7:50
  that touches it more quickly before we become desensitized,
• 7:55
  before we're disassociating to where we're gone.
• 7:59
  But this self boundary example that I just wanted to continue
• 8:02
  to illustrate is if I catch myself lying, I'm going to pause
• 8:07
  and I'm going to within 30 minutes or is quicker than that,
• 8:11
  I'm going to go back and tell truth.
• 8:14
  We're going to take a quick break for a moment.
• 8:16
  I want to let you know of some things that we have coming up at
• 8:18
  Choose Recovery Services. I'm very excited to tell you
• 8:21
  about the unmasked intensive we have coming up in May.
• 8:25
  It's May 13th through the 16th in Spanish Fork, UT.
• 8:29
  The name of the intensive is unmasked past to authentic
• 8:33
  masculinity. Let me tell you some of the
• 8:34
  things we're going to accomplish.
• 8:36
  We're going to explore some root causes like at the end of the
• 8:38
  day, what's underneath this behavior?
• 8:41
  What's the why behind it? What's the insights into
• 8:44
  understanding why my behavior existed, the one that kept me in
• 8:47
  secrecy and hiding? We're going to embrace
• 8:49
  vulnerability so we're confront a lot of the struggles of that
• 8:54
  non judge mental space so you can foster more authentic
• 8:58
  connections with the people that you love.
• 8:59
  We're going to realign with your values.
• 9:02
  We're going to learn new coping strategies and we're going to
• 9:05
  afford some authentic connection.
• 9:07
  We're going to build a lot of camaraderie to hear that
• 9:09
  happens. I wanted to share with you what
• 9:12
  previous participants have said about this transformation.
• 9:15
  So here's what one guy said. I'm just going to read it to
• 9:17
  you. I love the connection with those
• 9:19
  around me. It was eye opening to learn how
• 9:22
  to open up and show love for myself and be OK with what's
• 9:25
  going on inside of me, no matter how hard or ugly I may see it.
• 9:31
  I specifically remember this man saying this and just being
• 9:35
  astounded by like wow from around people that really open
• 9:38
  up. What can I explore and learn
• 9:39
  about myself is intensive. He found it be really eye
• 9:42
  opening. So anyway, For more information
• 9:45
  and reserve your spot, go ahead and visit our website and we'll
• 9:48
  provide some information for you.
• 9:50
  And then take the time to invest in yourself so you can start to
• 9:55
  lean in in a more authentic way in your life.
• 9:57
  Looking forward to seeing you there.
• 10:00
  Well, let's get back to our episode.
• 10:02
  I had a quite a few different experience with my partner of
• 10:08
  saying just like a, what do we call it a white lie?
• 10:11
  Is that even a thing? Maybe one that's not as heavy,
• 10:15
  but I'd be like, why in the world did I just say that that
• 10:19
  made no sense that I just lied about that.
• 10:22
  Maybe it was a really big deal for my partner that I take out
• 10:24
  the trash and I say, Oh yeah, I forgot or I was busy when it
• 10:29
  clearly that's not true. I just don't want to deal with
• 10:31
  the conflict. I don't want to deal with the
• 10:34
  coming across as somebody who didn't follow through what they
• 10:36
  said they were going to do. So those boundaries to live up
• 10:39
  with ourselves. That commitment is really around
• 10:42
  catching it early. And I got a ton of chances with
• 10:47
  that with my partner, but it started to bleed into having
• 10:50
  opportunities that I realized that existed in my professional
• 10:53
  life. So I remember one time new job,
• 10:57
  really excited about this new role with this new company that
• 11:00
  I was working for. And I found myself with one of
• 11:04
  those little white life in my boss.
• 11:06
  And I'm like, the heck is the thing that's going to creep in?
• 11:09
  And it's not just with her, it's going to be with him.
• 11:11
  And I remember going to him and saying, this was my script, this
• 11:16
  was my values based script. And I said, Hey, I didn't
• 11:20
  represent the truth accurately. And I'd like to say that over
• 11:22
  again. And I called him back later.
• 11:24
  I called him back in a few minutes and said I didn't
• 11:26
  represent truth the right way. And I'd like to tell you that
• 11:29
  again. And I remember him being like,
• 11:31
  what Really. OK, just being like, I don't
• 11:36
  know if stuns the right word, but kind of like, I'm not used
• 11:39
  to people doing this. And OK, thank you, appreciate
• 11:42
  you. I don't know what exactly went
• 11:44
  behind his bed, behind in his head, but I do know that I had a
• 11:48
  lot of trust with this man. I know it played into it and it
• 11:53
  wasn't just for me never telling a lie, but it was a lot to do
• 11:56
  with how I showed up in that situation.
• 11:59
  Not trying to give credit to myself, just noticing the part
• 12:02
  of that was me implementing my boundary, not just in every
• 12:05
  aspect of my life and not with perfection.
• 12:09
  So catching yourself lying and that gives like you like a
• 12:12
  safety net because there's nothing more overwhelming than
• 12:17
  feeling like I can just never screw up again.
• 12:21
  I can just never make a mistake. I can never lie again.
• 12:23
  Giving yourself and by the way, to the partner, just please a
• 12:28
  lot of love here that this isn't a pass to have a boundary with
• 12:33
  myself that says I don't lie. And if I do, I'm going to come
• 12:38
  forward within a certain period of time because I'm going to
• 12:41
  notice that because that part of my brain is weakened.
• 12:44
  I'm going to see it and I'm going to come forward with it.
• 12:47
  That this is a really appropriate, healthy thing to be
• 12:50
  doing and does not also needs to be acknowledged of how painful
• 12:54
  it is for you and the impact that any lie has.
• 12:58
  So it gives you a safety net, safety net which is to not have
• 13:01
  such an intense shame spiral. It realigns you with your values
• 13:05
  like not punishing yourself for imperfection.
• 13:08
  And this is the part we're going to do more of, which is
• 13:11
  normalizing without minimizing. And again, speaking to the
• 13:14
  partners experience or whoever got lied to, lying is a very
• 13:19
  lying is a very human thing and it's often a very hurting human
• 13:25
  thing. I want to normalize the human
• 13:28
  impulse and recognize their levels and severity to it, but I
• 13:33
  don't want to minimize the real pain that it causes, especially
• 13:36
  in those relationships. So the goal in recovery isn't
• 13:39
  like the isn't like that moral perfection, but it's around more
• 13:44
  of the emotional honesty and awareness.
• 13:46
  And I feel like I'm going to create like a lot of tough
• 13:48
  conversations with the partners, but the healing isn't just so
• 13:52
  much. And they'll never acting out
• 13:53
  again, never falling down again. Is it is watching your partner
• 13:57
  how they show up? Because it's scary to just have
• 14:00
  a partner always going. And again, I just recognize this
• 14:03
  can cause a lot of triggers inside of people.
• 14:06
  The every time you go to your partner, like, yeah, I'm good.
• 14:08
  Yeah, no, I'm good. Yep.
• 14:09
  No, no problems, no problems. And hey, I've been there before.
• 14:12
  I'm not. We've got the pot called the
• 14:14
  kettle black here too. No, I'm good.
• 14:17
  But recovery is about showing up proactively and sharing parts of
• 14:22
  us that we, it's really heavy and we take that risk.
• 14:27
  So that will be a part of the journey.
• 14:29
  It's not that's not part of the journey being perfect.
• 14:31
  So let me give you some, let me give you some myths.
• 14:34
  I don't know if these are myths. I call them myths of the fun
• 14:37
  facts, maybe create a little bit of a lighter moment, but maybe
• 14:39
  that's not even possible with the heavy topic like today.
• 14:42
  But OK, myth, liars avoid eye contact.
• 14:47
  Truth. No, many make too much eye
• 14:50
  contact trying to overcompensate.
• 14:53
  So yeah, I know you won't be able to read that.
• 14:56
  I've actually had people, professionals go, OK, Lukey,
• 14:59
  we're, you know, you were really, really skilled at lying.
• 15:01
  So give us all the top secrets, everything.
• 15:03
  There's something to that. But there's not this thing you
• 15:05
  can read like eye contact and body language.
• 15:08
  OK, Another one is kind of a fun fact.
• 15:11
  Kids start lying by age 2 to three years old.
• 15:15
  So it's a developmental milestone.
• 15:19
  So it shows. That they actually.
• 15:21
  Understand others and have different thoughts than they do.
• 15:26
  So it's that fact of there's an empathy piece in there.
• 15:29
  It's like, oh, if I give that, that will hurt somebody and I
• 15:32
  can see how they have feelings and emotions and I don't want to
• 15:36
  hurt theirs. So lying will be it's a
• 15:39
  developmental milestone that they're moving in their journey
• 15:41
  of being able to have be more aware socially, emotionally
• 15:45
  aware of others they can get out of hand, obviously.
• 15:49
  OK, another fun fact, Frequent liars are often better at
• 15:53
  detecting lies. Yeah.
• 15:56
  Truth is that actually can often be true is that people that
• 16:01
  habitual lying can often see it in other people, and they can
• 16:05
  also call it out. Yeah.
• 16:08
  I don't know if I have much to say on that one besides that you
• 16:10
  didn't want to bring that one into it.
• 16:12
  OK, so here's some invitations for you so I'm free to think
• 16:15
  about. Maybe you could write it down.
• 16:19
  OK, where do I lie to avoid discomfort?
• 16:23
  Not do I lie. Where do I lie to avoid
• 16:27
  discomfort? Where am I lying?
• 16:30
  What fear is underneath that? So if I am lying to avoid
• 16:36
  discomfort, what's the fear that's underneath that?
• 16:38
  What's driving that? And then the other pieces?
• 16:42
  That's because it's a three-part, three-part question
• 16:45
  opportunity for reflection. This is what's 1 boundary that I
• 16:49
  can create for myself to support that honesty.
• 16:53
  So was that I'm going to, I'm going to stop not a notice
• 16:57
  inside my body what that is going on and I'm not going to
• 17:00
  run from that. And I have somebody that is
• 17:03
  going to love me. That's not necessarily my
• 17:06
  partner that I can send a quick note to and think son of them
• 17:10
  just shared a lie and I got to get out in the open so it can be
• 17:14
  out there. So those are some questions for
• 17:17
  you. So feel free to adopt that 30
• 17:20
  minute truth boundary because it's not about being perfect.
• 17:22
  It's about becoming coming home to your integrity.
• 17:27
  Lying doesn't define who you are.
• 17:30
  All right, but your decision to return the truth, that's what
• 17:34
  builds the life that you want. All right, We got years and
• 17:38
  years of healing to overcome decades of compulsive behavior,
• 17:43
  and that's not going to be easy. And it's so well worth it, that
• 17:47
  decision to return the truth over and over again.
• 17:49
  And that's what's going to build life that that I want.
• 17:52
  Healing isn't about never lying again.
• 17:55
  It's about recognizing it and then choosing to step back into
• 17:58
  your values. Yeah.
• 18:00
  I just want to offer you the encouragement and the hope that
• 18:05
  as you do, show a part of yourself that maybe just scares
• 18:08
  you. But how can people look at me
• 18:10
  the same way if I'm real? Maybe just lean on my experience
• 18:14
  a little bit. Somebody that's very imperfect
• 18:17
  in this, that it does change things.
• 18:21
  And the people around you that you think can't take, get a
• 18:25
  little emotional around this. The people around you that you
• 18:30
  love, that you don't want to lose, so you lie to them.
• 18:38
  They're a lot tougher than you think they are, so don't take
• 18:45
  truth away from them and don't take it away from you.
• 18:47
  All right, talk to you next time.
• 18:51
  Hi, my name is Hallie Roderick with Choose Recovery Services.
• 18:54
  And if you're a woman healing from betrayal trauma and you
• 18:57
  find yourself feeling stuck or experiencing overwhelming
• 19:01
  triggers, having a difficult time trusting yourself or even
• 19:04
  thinking about trusting others or having a hard time
• 19:08
  understanding what healthy boundaries are, how to hold
• 19:10
  those, I want to invite you to consider joining us at our
• 19:14
  upcoming Courage to Thrive intensive held on April 23rd
• 19:18
  through 26th in Spanish Fork, UT.
• 19:22
  These intensives are one of my favorite things to be a part of
• 19:25
  because healing happens in community.
• 19:27
  There's just something different that happens when you're in
• 19:29
  person with other women who maybe your stories aren't
• 19:33
  exactly the same, but there's a mutual understanding and a
• 19:36
  safety that is created by being in a common community.
• 19:41
  So if this sounds like something that would be beneficial to you,
• 19:44
  please check the show notes, reach out to our office to get
• 19:47
  more information, and come see us in Utah on April 23rd through
• 19:51
  26th. We'd love to have you join us.
• 19:57
  Hey, thanks for joining us today.
• 19:58
  If this is something that. You connected with.
• 20:00
  I'd love to. Meet with you more and talk
• 20:02
  about it. So what you can do is go to
• 20:04
  choose recovery services dot. Com.
• 20:06
  Or check the show notes and there what?
• 20:08
  We can do is set up a quick. Conversation meeting.
• 20:10
  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we.
• 20:13
  Unmask the authentic cell.