Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP58] Are you being stubborn.. or listening to your needs?

Transcript

[EP58] Are you being stubborn.. or listening to your needs? · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

• 0:00
  So if something seems to show up in my life in kind of not connected, you know, people or groups or situations, so, you know, those situations, people, places are not connected, but then I'm getting the same kind of feedback or input or result, you know, from all these different areas in my life which are not connected, as in like those people don't know these guys or whatever.
• 0:30
  the same response. Then generally, for me, I'll speak for myself personally, I've learned and
• 0:37
  learning that maybe there's something there because in those situations which are not connected,
• 0:46
  I'm the common denominator. I'm showing up probably consistently. Even if I think I've
• 0:52
  got things compartmentalized and I'm showing up differently, chances are there's a lot.
• 0:56
  Like, you know, as we say, how you do one thing is how you do everything. So if that is the case, you know, if this pattern is showing up in multiple different places, which are maybe not interconnected somehow, but then there's a theme to it, then I would say it's worthwhile spending some time to look at, look into, not get into your head about, but to start to zoom out and, you know,
• 1:26
  Check out, like take a perspective on it.
• 1:29
  And notice what are some of the themes.
• 1:34
  And people won't always say it, you know, very directly.
• 1:39
  But in this case, it sounds like people, some people are because they don't know you.
• 1:44
  And maybe that's one of the gifts of it.
• 1:47
  So on one side, it's this, right?
• 1:50
  Like, is there a pattern?
• 1:51
  Is there a common theme?
• 1:52
  Is there a pattern that keeps showing up?
• 1:53
  in which case to me it's a clue for me to look into or look at
• 1:58
  and I'll talk about the look at in a minute.
• 2:01
  The other version is
• 2:05
  if someone says something that is not true
• 2:09
  but something within me, you could call it gets triggered
• 2:14
  you know, people's favorite words these days
• 2:17
  something in me, you know, like there's an emotional reaction
• 2:20
  like there's emotional charge to it
• 2:23
  annoyed or pissed off or frustrated or something, you know, or there's like just I'm pushing against
• 2:28
  it. Then for me personally, I've realized, I've learned that maybe there's something there for
• 2:37
  me to look at as well. All right, so I'll talk about the different kind of examples where
• 2:44
  I've learned or learning that I should be looking into, I could be looking into it.
• 2:49
  the other is sometimes you know people don't know you so they say it like you know these guys they
• 2:56
  don't know you so then they're just saying something yeah this kind of falls a little
• 3:01
  bit into the category i just gave like okay maybe there's something like you know it's kind of
• 3:06
  or maybe it triggered you in like a very intense way but there's some there's a reason why you're
• 3:10
  asking the question right and it's like is it this or is it that and i know that i also like
• 3:19
  things quite structured in my life. Because when I do, then there's a certain level of predictability
• 3:25
  and you could say control. So then there's more room for whatever life throws at me.
• 3:30
  So I like things to be kind of structured in a certain way. So I can understand, you know,
• 3:35
  like you having certain routines and structures in place. So I think it comes down to, so I'm
• 3:40
  now going to talk about the looking into it part, right? Like, so if it, let's say if it's not true,
• 3:49
  just don't bother about it. But let's say if there is some truth to it, I think the question
• 3:55
  would be, am I happy with that? Am I happy, not that it has to matter how people see you,
• 4:02
  but it's how you see yourself. Am I happy being someone who is, I think the words they used were
• 4:09
  stubborn and inflexible, if I'm not mistaken. Let me just have a look. I think so. Anyway,
• 4:14
  I think those are the words. So would I like to be received as that? Me personally, I speak to
• 4:21
  myself now. If someone felt that I was inflexible or stubborn, depends on the context. Sometimes
• 4:29
  not everyone's going to like everything that I say and do. So yeah, there are certain things
• 4:36
  and times and places where people are just not going to agree. Even just to say that,
• 4:41
  That wasn't always the case for me.
• 4:43
  Like I really had to practice, you know, learning to stand in my own, I want to say truth, but, you know, it's just for me, right?
• 4:52
  Like what I've decided to be true for me.
• 4:55
  And in that sense, for certain people, I'm going to come across as stubborn and inflexible, you know, like just not willing to work with the group.
• 5:03
  And then there is also a part of me because I'm always wanting to work on myself and is stubborn and inflexible, you know, one of my values.
• 5:17
  and that's how people are receiving me.
• 5:21
  And if I would like to receive myself like that
• 5:24
  and if the answer is no,
• 5:26
  then if it is true that I'm stubborn and inflexible,
• 5:31
  then I would look at, okay, what can I do differently?
• 5:36
  Like what needs to shift within me
• 5:38
  or whether it's my perspective on things,
• 5:41
  my take on it, my values, my stance.
• 5:46
  and therefore then following that, my actions or inactions, right?
• 5:50
  Which is also an action.
• 5:52
  Inaction is an action, it's a choice.
• 5:54
  Therefore, you know, like if I want to come across as or be received
• 5:58
  as someone who is, I don't know, I don't know,
• 6:01
  I'm not trying to go for the opposite of stubborn and inflexible,
• 6:04
  but let's say someone who's more open, someone who's more friendly,
• 6:07
  someone who, yeah, it's like, you know, maybe a little bit more easygoing
• 6:11
  and just willing to go with the flow, like work with the group
• 6:14
  not go against them in this instance.
• 6:18
  Therefore, then I will choose to make the changes.
• 6:22
  So it's a tricky one because when we are in our pattern, we live in a time right now
• 6:29
  where we are really rewarded.
• 6:34
  And then there will be people who will jump in and confirm and affirm, like, oh, don't
• 6:42
  listen to them.
• 6:44
  So therefore, it makes us not want to look at our own stuff and take responsibility for our own stuff.
• 6:49
  And then there's other times where, yeah, like that's not something for you to even, you know, to look at and make any changes in.
• 6:57
  I think most of the time the clue is in if there is some kind of emotional charge, like some kind of emotional reaction within me, then it's not that I want to get into my head about it and just like dive into like an endless pit.
• 7:16
  But it's worth me kind of looking at and going, hmm, is there something there for me to look at?
• 7:21
  And sometimes the mind will just kind of very cleverly say no.
• 7:24
  but a lot of times like even if it says no like okay let me just check like let me just go one
• 7:29
  layer underneath that and have a look at that let me just go one more layer underneath that and let
• 7:33
  me really look at like what is it you know am i actually being inflexible that's how you want to
• 7:40
  show up and that's fine so now i would i'll switch into a little bit of the the personal side of it
• 7:47
  i think um for you susan even though i don't i'm not doing interventions and giving advice
• 7:53
  I would suggest that it might be something to look at and, you know, get underneath.
• 8:02
  On one side, there is the very logical, you obviously want to take care of yourself and your sleep.
• 8:09
  So, you know, don't compromise that, obviously.
• 8:14
  But is there different ways for you to do that and take care of yourself?
• 8:18
  Let me just talk about from my perspective, from my own life, my own example.
• 8:23
  So I found like sometimes I would just stick my ground and be like, no, you know, that's not how it's going to be.
• 8:29
  This is how it's going to be.
• 8:30
  And I'll just stick with what I say.
• 8:32
  Other times I might consider it and be like, actually, this is not related to you, Susan, or anyone else.
• 8:38
  I'm just giving my own example.
• 8:40
  There have been situations where I thought, you know what, I'm going to this.
• 8:42
  I'm choosing to go to this group thing.
• 8:45
  And this is what the group is doing.
• 8:48
  And I know that we're going to arrive there late.
• 8:50
  And I know we're going to start early.
• 8:54
  I want to do the group thing.
• 8:55
  Like I chose to do the group thing.
• 8:57
  So I'm actually going to do the group thing.
• 8:59
  And I'm going to find a different time for me to rest, right?
• 9:04
  Like in the evening or have a nap in the afternoon or come back from the hike and then have a nap or whatever.
• 9:09
  Right?
• 9:10
  So me personally, I found when I want to be flexible, I can be flexible.
• 9:17
  And it's not always convenient.
• 9:18
  but when I have done that
• 9:20
  when it doesn't pull me out
• 9:23
  you know I kind of
• 9:24
  in a way I've got the best of both worlds
• 9:26
  I end up getting taken care of
• 9:27
  like take care of myself anyway
• 9:28
  and I you know
• 9:30
  go and do the thing
• 9:31
  you know with the group anyway
• 9:33
  and having said that
• 9:34
  sometimes there are things where
• 9:36
  you know I might be in a group
• 9:37
  and I'm like you know what
• 9:38
  I'm out guys
• 9:39
  you guys do your thing
• 9:40
  I'm going to meet you
• 9:42
  you know after this
• 9:43
  whatever this activity
• 9:45
  this thing that you're doing
• 9:47
  so I think there's a certain level
• 9:48
  discretion. But I think if you're finding that there's, it's a theme and, you know, those who
• 9:54
  are courageous enough or the ones that don't know you, so they just say it. So therefore,
• 10:00
  they're courageous enough to tell you like, actually, here's how I'm receiving you. You can
• 10:05
  either choose, you know, like, yeah, that's how it is. Then that's who I am. That's my values and
• 10:10
  that's how I'm going to show up. Cool. Or actually, I'm not so happy with that. I want to look into
• 10:16
  that. I don't want to be inflexible. So is there a way for me to, you know, bring some flexibility
• 10:22
  into it? And also, is there something that I'm missing out on? You know, like, might be pretty
• 10:28
  cool for you to go on that hike. You know, sometimes we have these ideas in our minds.
• 10:35
  And I'm not, again, not saying it's you, I'm saying myself. Sometimes I have certain ideas
• 10:39
  like, oh, I'm going to be really exhausted, you know, if I go and do this extra one thing.
• 10:44
  a lot of times I regret not doing the thing because there's like certain memories that
• 10:50
  was created it was an experience you know with a bunch of people that I wanted to hang out with
• 10:55
  and you know I can sleep before or after or I can choose a different mode of travel which allows me
• 11:00
  to sleep on the mode of transport or you know whatever like just rearrange things in a different
• 11:04
  way so therefore looking at ways on how to actually have more richness of life you know
• 11:13
  If I was just more flexible.
• 11:16
  I think over the years, I've tended towards that and looked at ways where I can be.
• 11:22
  My tendency, though, is to go too much in that direction.
• 11:25
  So I've actually had to reel myself back and not overgive.
• 11:29
  That has been my learning.
• 11:30
  Or worse, if I fall into my pleaser and trying to please others, then obviously later I pay the price for it.
• 11:41
  normally in my own, you know, I don't know, energy levels, vitality, health, or just emotional,
• 11:48
  like, you know, just feel like, I don't feel good about myself, because I put myself out,
• 11:53
  you know, in this instance, and always taken advantage of. So then, you know, you have enough
• 11:58
  kind of feedback from life, from situations in life on that. So sounds like I made a big deal
• 12:07
  out of a little thing. It's a little situation, but it's in the little moments in life that
• 12:13
  all the principles that we learn in this body of work, they show up and they're all opportunities
• 12:20
  for us to look at and apply and put into practice what we learn, what we're all learning.
• 12:28
  And life's always teaching. It's like a great greatest teacher. So it's always teaching us,
• 12:34
  putting us in situations, challenging us.
• 12:36
  You know, if you say like, okay, that's it.
• 12:39
  From now on, I'm going to be really good with boundaries.
• 12:42
  Guess what?
• 12:42
  I'm just giving a random example.
• 12:44
  I'm going to be really good with boundaries from now.
• 12:46
  I'm going to be very good at saying no.
• 12:47
  Guess what?
• 12:48
  You're going to have many examples of situations that show up
• 12:52
  where you're going to be like, ah, really, I don't want to say no.
• 12:56
  I kind of want to, ah, it's going to be really,
• 12:59
  and it's going to be really hard for me to say no.
• 13:00
  right it's going to challenge you to set the boundary to communicate the boundary to hold
• 13:05
  the boundary for example right just random example life's always teaching us if you're willing to
• 13:12
  learn you know be open to learn and you know have a look at it yeah so in summary if there's a theme
• 13:20
  there if there's a pattern that keeps showing up especially if there's not connected people places
• 13:25
  situations but that there's a theme right across those situations then a lot of times you know it's
• 13:30
  for something to look into
• 13:32
  and look into as in not
• 13:35
  sit down, analyze and overanalyze
• 13:37
  and just stay in your head
• 13:38
  and get buried in thoughts
• 13:40
  but actually zoom out, look at it
• 13:42
  and start to go underneath
• 13:44
  the layers of the narrative, the story
• 13:46
  and actually get to like
• 13:48
  the deepest need that is wanting to be met
• 13:52
  and how we are actually trying to meet those needs
• 13:55
  and if there's a healthier way
• 13:57
  to meet those needs
• 13:58
  and therefore
• 14:00
  Then when you come back up to the surface,
• 14:02
  it's like, oh, okay, I can get those needs met,
• 14:04
  but I can make different choices,
• 14:06
  or I can make the same choices,
• 14:07
  but have the needs be met.
• 14:09
  So I hope that makes sense.
• 14:12
  Thank you for the question.