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SMNTY Classics: Making Space for Being Ace · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this is any and Samantha and welcome stuff. Whe
0:07
Speaker 1: ever told your production of iHeartRadio, and since it's Pride Month,
0:21
Speaker 1: we have to keep up with our tradition of bringing
0:25
Speaker 1: back a classic of me talking about being asexual. I've
0:29
Speaker 1: rerun most of them already. We try not to rerun
0:33
Speaker 1: classics twice, but it does happen, sometimes by accident, sometimes purposely.
0:37
Speaker 1: But we have not brought this one back yet. This
0:41
Speaker 1: was actually from last year, and it was after our
0:43
Speaker 1: book came out, and I was talking about how I
0:46
Speaker 1: felt like I had kind of a second coming out
0:49
Speaker 1: after the book came out, and the strangeness of coming
0:53
Speaker 1: out publicly like that because I hadn't told my mom
1:00
Speaker 1: like it was just and all of you listeners have
1:03
Speaker 1: been so great. You've been so gracious, Samantha, You've been wonderful.
1:08
Speaker 1: My mom was wonderful when I told told her about it.
1:12
Speaker 1: But now I've gotten Now, I feel like I've entered
1:14
Speaker 1: another stage where I'm more willing to say it. If
1:19
Speaker 1: a stranger's around, which is kind of risky. It feels
1:25
Speaker 1: kind of risky at least, but I mean usually it's
1:28
Speaker 1: somebody that I'm at least I feel like they're good.
1:32
Speaker 1: And as we've said, even in the LGBTQ plus community,
1:36
Speaker 1: you can't know for sure. But I have said it
1:40
Speaker 1: kind of more casually in conversation recently, and I've even
1:45
Speaker 1: said it where I was at a restaurant recently with
1:48
Speaker 1: my mom and I was talking about it, and the
1:50
Speaker 1: waiters were definitely like right there listening. They didn't say anything,
1:55
Speaker 1: they were very nice. So I was just like, oh, I, yes,
1:58
Speaker 1: I will have this. I shall go about my conversation
2:05
Speaker 1: because it's even though my mom knows, it's still kind
2:07
Speaker 1: of hard to talk to her openly about it. And
2:09
Speaker 1: she's never made me feel uncomfortable about it or anything
2:12
Speaker 1: like that. It's just I just don't talk about it.
2:15
Speaker 1: So I've entered a new stage since this one. I'm
2:20
Speaker 1: still and I actually really resonated with something Raquel said
2:24
Speaker 1: and the recent episode we did with her, which if
2:27
Speaker 1: you haven't heard, go listen to it. She's always amazing
2:29
Speaker 1: for She was talking about age and kind of queer
2:33
Speaker 1: communities and how it's a little different, and I do
2:35
Speaker 1: sort of feel that way because I feel like I'm
2:38
Speaker 1: doing all this growth in this area, so I feel
2:43
Speaker 1: a little young in that way where I'm still like, oh,
2:46
Speaker 1: let's try maybe today I'll talk about it in a
2:49
Speaker 1: public space like our restaurants. Oh, even though I talk
2:55
Speaker 1: about it on a public podcast all the time.
2:57
Speaker 2: But I don't feel public all the time.
3:00
Speaker 1: It doesn't feel public. And it also feels like the
3:02
Speaker 1: people who are here get it right. Yeah, unless someone
3:09
Speaker 1: stumbles upon this somehow, and I just don't think if
3:12
Speaker 1: they read the the description is possible. But anyway, please
3:19
Speaker 1: enjoy this classic episode. Hey, this is and Samantha. I'm
3:28
Speaker 1: not going to stuff I never told you a production
3:29
Speaker 1: of iHeartRadio, and today we are going to be doing
3:43
Speaker 1: kind of an update on my experience of being a
3:46
Speaker 1: sexual and being out as being a sexual or ace
3:50
Speaker 1: because I always forget. October is LGBTQ plus history month,
3:56
Speaker 1: so I knew June was Pride month. But when I
3:59
Speaker 1: was in college, I was in Atlanta. This was still
4:02
Speaker 1: when I was communiting from De Lanica, which is like
4:04
Speaker 1: an hour away, and I ended up accidentally in the
4:08
Speaker 1: Pride parade in October and I didn't know what was
4:12
Speaker 1: going on because I thought June was Pride month. And
4:14
Speaker 1: that's when that happened, and I got all of this
4:16
Speaker 1: glitter on my car and all of these feathers on
4:18
Speaker 1: my car, and it was actually a lovely experience, but
4:20
Speaker 1: I was so confused. I've learned a lot since then.
4:24
Speaker 1: I've come a long way.
4:26
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm with you because I again not growing
4:28
Speaker 2: up in like very queer community understanding is. In fact,
4:33
Speaker 2: I was in a pretty anti queer community until I
4:36
Speaker 2: was out of college. But like, I didn't realize it either,
4:40
Speaker 2: and I thought it was always October because when I
4:42
Speaker 2: was like, when I finally like understood what's going on,
4:45
Speaker 2: all the celebrations that I went to was in October,
4:48
Speaker 2: including the Pride Parade, and I was like, oh, And
4:51
Speaker 2: then learning that, I was like, wait, no, this is
4:52
Speaker 2: not actually Pride Month.
4:53
Speaker 3: What's that? What what's happening?
4:55
Speaker 1: So I had the opposite, Oh that's fun. Well we've
4:59
Speaker 1: both come al then come a long way, baby, we.
5:04
Speaker 4: Have.
5:06
Speaker 1: So this one is going to be a lot of
5:08
Speaker 1: me talking, which is good because Samantha is still recovering
5:11
Speaker 1: from COVID so you get to hear me talk a lot.
5:14
Speaker 1: I might cry a little, I don't know. Speaking of content.
5:18
Speaker 1: Warning for discussions of rape, sexual assault, ableism, and suicidality.
5:24
Speaker 1: We're not going to go too in depth into anything,
5:26
Speaker 1: but some of it's pretty I would say it was
5:29
Speaker 1: pretty triggering, and I do want to put this at
5:33
Speaker 1: the top. I sort of hate that this happens, but
5:35
Speaker 1: it does. We're talking about ACE stuff in here, but
5:40
Speaker 1: all queer people face similar things. This is not to
5:42
Speaker 1: detract attention from or say that it doesn't happen to
5:47
Speaker 1: other people. It's it does. It absolutely does, and we
5:52
Speaker 1: should talk about that. But for this I am talking
5:54
Speaker 1: about my kind of personal experience. So yeah, yes, it
6:00
Speaker 1: is LGBTQ plus History month, and October also has National
6:05
Speaker 1: Coming Out Day and ACE Awareness Week, which is the
6:08
Speaker 1: last week of October. It was first started in October
6:11
Speaker 1: twenty ten, and I wanted to do a bit of
6:14
Speaker 1: an update on my experience since coming out on this podcast. Honestly,
6:18
Speaker 1: that's where I happened. But because the book has come
6:23
Speaker 1: out and I came out and there, I sort of
6:26
Speaker 1: feel like I came out again and it's been a
6:33
Speaker 1: difficult for me. I have gotten a lot of support,
6:36
Speaker 1: I will say that, but I've definitely gotten a lot
6:39
Speaker 1: of what I talked about in the book, which is
6:40
Speaker 1: a lot of like mocking and dismissing, and I've also
6:43
Speaker 1: gotten a lot of questions about it people who are
6:44
Speaker 1: legitimately curious. So I thought I would just go over
6:49
Speaker 1: some basics here first of all, like we're going to
6:52
Speaker 1: go over this, but I identify as asexual bi romantic. There
6:59
Speaker 1: are you have your sexual orientation and then there's the
7:02
Speaker 1: romantic orientation. I think a lot of people don't know that,
7:04
Speaker 1: so they get confused. Recently, Lauren and I did Lauren
7:09
Speaker 1: stepped in and did an episode while Samantha was on
7:12
Speaker 1: vacation and Lauren and I were in a box e
7:15
Speaker 1: Lost Vega's Interesting Box talking about X files. When people
7:22
Speaker 1: arete in and they were confused because they're like, you
7:24
Speaker 1: were attracted to Scullion Molder, but you're asexual. I can
7:28
Speaker 1: feel attraction. It doesn't have to be sexual, especially for
7:31
Speaker 1: fictional characters, especially if I like have an emotional if
7:37
Speaker 1: there's something about them that I emotionally relate to or
7:40
Speaker 1: connect to, then I feel the attraction. It's usually not
7:43
Speaker 1: sexual most of the time. Like if in my fantasies
7:46
Speaker 1: of fantasies, I would like hug Luke Skywalker, like that
7:49
Speaker 1: is what happens. It's not sex but she.
7:52
Speaker 2: Just wants to cuddle them.
7:53
Speaker 1: Okay, I want to cuddle and maybe kiss. That's it.
7:56
Speaker 1: That's that's all. I'm blushing just the hear about it.
8:02
Speaker 1: So I get that. It's I'm not like trying to
8:05
Speaker 1: make anybody feel bad because I didn't know this until
8:08
Speaker 1: I was on the show. I've told that stories several times,
8:10
Speaker 1: so I get I totally get it. So let us
8:14
Speaker 1: go over some basics. So from see you and why
8:19
Speaker 1: I'm assuming that you say the letters, I don't know.
8:22
Speaker 1: Here's a quote. Asexuality has been defined as a sexual
8:27
Speaker 1: orientation characterized by persistent lack of sexual attraction to any gender.
8:32
Speaker 1: It is often called the invisible orientation, and while the
8:36
Speaker 1: current estimate is that about one percent of the population
8:39
Speaker 1: is ACE, some think that's on the low end because
8:41
Speaker 1: people either don't know about it or they don't feel
8:44
Speaker 1: comfortable labeling themselves that way for one reason or another.
8:48
Speaker 1: From the James Madison University, The asexuality spectrum or ACE
8:52
Speaker 1: umbrella is also complicated. The ACE umbrella covers many different
8:57
Speaker 1: types and degrees of sexuality. There are three three most
9:00
Speaker 1: common subsections of asexuality demisexual, gray sexual, and asexual. The
9:05
Speaker 1: simplest of the three is asexual, which means that one
9:08
Speaker 1: is not sexually attracted to people. Demisexual is similar to asexual,
9:13
Speaker 1: and that demisexuals are not sexually attracted to people until
9:16
Speaker 1: a deep emotional connection is formed. Gray Asexuals, on the
9:20
Speaker 1: other hand, experience sexual attraction very irregularly, sometimes with years
9:25
Speaker 1: in between occurrences. It is also worth mentioning that some
9:28
Speaker 1: asexuals are willing to have sex in order to please
9:30
Speaker 1: or become closer to their partners, and these individuals are
9:33
Speaker 1: referred to as sex favorable. Others are unwilling to have
9:37
Speaker 1: sex or are disturbed by it and are referred to
9:40
Speaker 1: as sex repulsed. And I know we've talked about this
9:44
Speaker 1: before in other episodes about asexuality allosexuals or alos or
9:48
Speaker 1: people who experience sexual attraction. So I think this is
9:52
Speaker 1: important here where people get confused, and I've probably not
9:54
Speaker 1: communicated it well. When I say I'm attracted to people,
9:57
Speaker 1: usually what I do mean is the cuddling and kissing part.
10:00
Speaker 1: Don't mean like the the sex card. So some people
10:04
Speaker 1: have written in and so that it sounds like you're dimisexual,
10:07
Speaker 1: but it's not. I wouldn't call it a sexual traction.
10:09
Speaker 1: It is a physical attraction. I'm like, oh, pretty, I
10:12
Speaker 1: would like to hold close now please. But it's not
10:17
Speaker 1: like a sexual I.
10:19
Speaker 2: Think you're like an alien. You speak, so we're gonna
10:23
Speaker 2: I would like to touch that, please, We're.
10:26
Speaker 1: Gonna talk about that. I'm playing into the Stereotypeoo. So
10:31
Speaker 1: here's a quote from Growth think Tank. Asexuality is a
10:35
Speaker 1: spectrum which means that all asexual people and their experience
10:38
Speaker 1: of asexuality are different, and that it affects people of
10:40
Speaker 1: all ages, genders, and backgrounds. For example, some asexual people,
10:44
Speaker 1: the sex positives, may have sex without it necessarily giving
10:47
Speaker 1: them pleasure or constituting a need to have a child,
10:50
Speaker 1: out of curiosity to please the partner, a bit like
10:53
Speaker 1: eating without being hungry. Some asexual people consider themselves to
10:58
Speaker 1: have a libido, but is not directed towards a particular partner.
11:01
Speaker 1: They are called sex positive. Others reject sex, identifying themselves
11:05
Speaker 1: as sex repulsed. Finally, some people feel only indifferent to sex,
11:09
Speaker 1: the sex neutral or sex and different. Most asexuals experience
11:13
Speaker 1: romantic attraction to others and may therefore be in a
11:16
Speaker 1: relationship a romantic asexuals, on the other hand, have no
11:20
Speaker 1: desire to have sex and no desire to be in
11:22
Speaker 1: a relationship. Finally, some asexuals have never had sexual desire
11:27
Speaker 1: or relationships, while others have had sexual desire and then
11:30
Speaker 1: identified themselves as a sexual lader. In life, asexual people
11:34
Speaker 1: are often referred to as ace and a romantic people
11:38
Speaker 1: as arrow. The Ace of Spades has thus become one
11:41
Speaker 1: of the symbols of the asexual community, as has cake,
11:45
Speaker 1: in reference to the phrase cake is better than sex.
11:48
Speaker 4: Yeah, if I knew that one.
11:52
Speaker 1: Yeah, I thought about getting that flag putting it up.
11:56
Speaker 1: But I don't like cake that much. So it's sort
11:58
Speaker 1: of like if it was, like, why you.
12:03
Speaker 2: Don't even like that?
12:04
Speaker 1: No, sure, I guess. But oysters, Oh my gosh, Samantha
12:14
Speaker 1: and I are going to get oysters later. I'm so excited.
12:18
Speaker 1: So going back to the James Madison University, here's another quote.
12:24
Speaker 1: Two major misconceptions are that asexuals are celibate and that
12:28
Speaker 1: asexuality is a choice. This is equivalent to saying being
12:31
Speaker 1: straight are gay as decision. Someone makes The misconception that
12:34
Speaker 1: asexuality is a choice belittles those who identify on the
12:37
Speaker 1: asexuality spectrum. Another common misconception is that asexuals cannot fall
12:42
Speaker 1: in love. This misconception is a result of people confusing
12:46
Speaker 1: or failing to understand the difference between romantic orientation and
12:49
Speaker 1: sexual orientation. Lastly, one of the most damaging and harmful
12:53
Speaker 1: misconceptions about asexuality is that asexual people are simply confused
12:57
Speaker 1: and inexperienced, and they will change their lines once they've
13:00
Speaker 1: had sexual experiences. Not only does the viewpoint dismiss a sexuality,
13:05
Speaker 1: but it also perpetuates rape culture and corrective rape yes misconceptions. Aside,
13:12
Speaker 1: there is even more active and voluntary discrimination against those
13:15
Speaker 1: who identify on the asexual spectrum. Many people do not
13:18
Speaker 1: see asexual people as humans because people believe that sexual
13:21
Speaker 1: desire is a fundamental part of human nature. In actuality,
13:26
Speaker 1: asexual people are judged, insulted, and in some cases assaulted
13:29
Speaker 1: because of their sexual identity. Heartbreakingly, a marriage can legally
13:32
Speaker 1: be terminated if a perfectly happy and loving couple does
13:35
Speaker 1: not have sex, and, as surprising as it seems, couples
13:38
Speaker 1: in which one or both partners are asexual can be
13:40
Speaker 1: denied adoption rights even if they are not a same
13:43
Speaker 1: sex couple. Asexuals can also be denied housing and jobs
13:47
Speaker 1: because of their sexual orientation. Much like the rest of
13:49
Speaker 1: the LGBTQ plus community, the asexual community is also subject
13:53
Speaker 1: to mockery for their sexual identity. And then here's something
14:00
Speaker 1: specific to the medical community. Quote. All of this is
14:04
Speaker 1: heart wrenching, but there are still worse forms of discrimination
14:07
Speaker 1: that asexuals face. Discrimination by healthcare professionals is not uncommon.
14:11
Speaker 1: Many professionals believe that asexuality is a mental disorder, are
14:15
Speaker 1: a symptom of an illness, mental or physical. Others have
14:18
Speaker 1: been prescribed corrective therapies such as hormone supplements, and instructed quote,
14:23
Speaker 1: to have sex until they like it. One example a
14:26
Speaker 1: lot of people pointed out was the case of Julie Decker.
14:30
Speaker 1: So here's a quote about that. Julie Decker was subjected
14:33
Speaker 1: to this fate by a friend of hers and her
14:35
Speaker 1: statement to hupost, she disclosed that her friend knew she
14:38
Speaker 1: identified as asexual, even so he looked her face and said,
14:42
Speaker 1: I just want to help you. Decker went on to
14:45
Speaker 1: receive comments to her story like I could turn sexual,
14:48
Speaker 1: just give me an hour, and you are autistic. You
14:51
Speaker 1: are broken. She has even received rape and death threats
14:54
Speaker 1: such as, man, I want this chick to get raped,
14:57
Speaker 1: please die of aids. Thanks, I'm going to rape this
14:59
Speaker 1: one and show her the joys of orgasm. Just kill
15:02
Speaker 1: yourself please in a very painful way. And asexuals are
15:06
Speaker 1: just people who haven't been raped hard are often enough
15:09
Speaker 1: these anonymous comments and a powerful message about what is
15:12
Speaker 1: valued in terms of sex and sexuality. And then here's
15:16
Speaker 1: another quote from that huff Post article. Asexuality is not
15:19
Speaker 1: a thing. You're just ugly and no one wanted to
15:22
Speaker 1: date you, so you made up a thing to cuddle
15:24
Speaker 1: your lonely self after you cry into your pillow. Also,
15:27
Speaker 1: I hope you get raped. It has a dual benefit.
15:29
Speaker 1: You'll get laid finally and put into your place as well.
15:33
Speaker 1: So so there are some I laugh because I want
15:39
Speaker 1: to cry. There are some specific types of abuse that
15:42
Speaker 1: were outlined. Again, these are not specifically unique to asexual people,
15:47
Speaker 1: but they are in this case things that a sexual
15:51
Speaker 1: people face a lot. This is Trumwomen's Law dot org
15:54
Speaker 1: saying there is something wrong with a victim, or that
15:56
Speaker 1: the victim is broken because they are asexual. Telling a
15:59
Speaker 1: victim that something is wrong with their body and that
16:01
Speaker 1: is why they are a sexual. Oh, and I should
16:03
Speaker 1: have specified these are all about sexual assault victims who
16:06
Speaker 1: are asexual. Mocking the victim's body or making the victim
16:09
Speaker 1: feel bad about their body, responding or not responding to
16:12
Speaker 1: sexual acts, touching the victim's body without permission or in
16:16
Speaker 1: or in a way the abuser knows makes the victim uncomfortable.
16:19
Speaker 1: Threatening the victim with rape or sexual assault to cure
16:22
Speaker 1: the victims asexuality, telling the victim that they are a
16:25
Speaker 1: sexual or are confused about being a sexual because no
16:28
Speaker 1: one wants to have a relationship or sex with them.
16:31
Speaker 1: Threatening to tell the victims friends, family, or coworkers about
16:34
Speaker 1: their a sexuality without their permission, and stopping are forbidding
16:37
Speaker 1: the victim from speaking to other asexual people talking about asexuality,
16:41
Speaker 1: are attending in person or online support groups for asexual people.
16:46
Speaker 1: And then here's a quote from Gallop. The little but
16:50
Speaker 1: growing research that there is in this area has uncovered
16:53
Speaker 1: strong bias against ace people relative to cis gender and
16:56
Speaker 1: heterosexual people, and even to cis gender, lesbian, gay, bisexual people.
17:01
Speaker 1: Asexual people were found to be the target of more prejudice, avoidance,
17:04
Speaker 1: and discrimination. If all the sexual minorities studied as people
17:08
Speaker 1: were the most dehumanized, viewed as machine like, cold and emotionless.
17:13
Speaker 1: This demonstrates the need to address anti asexual bias and
17:16
Speaker 1: that as people are at the risk of experiencing violence, abuse, discrimination,
17:21
Speaker 1: And then they went on to say, here's some things
17:24
Speaker 1: they found that people thought about asexual people. They are
17:29
Speaker 1: less than human or against human nature. They are deficient
17:32
Speaker 1: or broken, that it is a result of mental illness
17:35
Speaker 1: or sexual abuse, have not just met the right person yet,
17:39
Speaker 1: are confused or going through a phase, cannot experience love
17:43
Speaker 1: and I have relationships. Are just proves that asexuality is
17:48
Speaker 1: a choice rather than an orientation, don't face oppression and
17:52
Speaker 1: are just damaging the LGBT plus cause. And I did
17:56
Speaker 1: want to point out to you we're not really talking
17:59
Speaker 1: about it here, but many people get discriminated against in
18:04
Speaker 1: one way or another in the romantic spectrum, and especially
18:07
Speaker 1: arrow people a romantic people. So just something to keep
18:12
Speaker 1: in mind.
18:13
Speaker 2: Actually, that's something that I've heard dismissed by people that
18:16
Speaker 2: I know. I was kind of surprised and they're like
18:19
Speaker 2: really open minded. I say, open minded is like they
18:22
Speaker 2: would call themselves allies. And then having that whole rhetoric
18:26
Speaker 2: which we had twenty years ago about bisexuality that it's
18:30
Speaker 2: just it's made up, or that they can't decide so
18:34
Speaker 2: they're just putting a label on it, which is interesting
18:37
Speaker 2: in itself. I'm like, Wow, so this is that new
18:40
Speaker 2: form where now bisexuality is getting more acceptance, still not
18:43
Speaker 2: completely accepted. We know that there's a lot of discrimination bisexuality,
18:47
Speaker 2: but it's a whole new kind of like, oh, it's
18:49
Speaker 2: just one more thing they're adding to that spectrum, which
18:54
Speaker 2: I found interesting. I was like, why does that bother you?
18:56
Speaker 2: Has nothing to do with you?
18:57
Speaker 1: That's kind of my whole thing. All I'm like, I'm
19:01
Speaker 1: essentially I stay in and read my friend section, Like
19:04
Speaker 1: what am I doing?
19:05
Speaker 2: Like she is a lovely person to be around all
19:08
Speaker 2: the time. Like there's no like I don't understand.
19:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have seen I've seen a lot against arrow
19:16
Speaker 1: people prejudice because people are like that doesn't that's again
19:20
Speaker 1: like against human nature.
19:22
Speaker 2: It's such a weird vibe, Like it's not like I know,
19:25
Speaker 2: it seems like there's a less of a problem when
19:27
Speaker 2: you call like for people to call out their friends
19:30
Speaker 2: who are rapist or like misogynists. Like I've seen that,
19:34
Speaker 2: like when we have that conversation where people don't want
19:37
Speaker 2: to believe that so many people could be someone who
19:40
Speaker 2: would assault someone because I mean that that the likelihod
19:43
Speaker 2: of the knowing somebody is so high that they don't
19:45
Speaker 2: want to believe that. But like and so they're therefore
19:49
Speaker 2: they accept that as a thing and being like, oh no,
19:51
Speaker 2: we're gonna pretend like that doesn't think even though it
19:53
Speaker 2: violates people, They're gonna they're gonna like not see that
19:58
Speaker 2: and being like, oh no, not a problem, and then
20:01
Speaker 2: see this as a problem. What it really is the
20:03
Speaker 2: opposite of that, Like they're living their happy goal loocky lives.
20:07
Speaker 2: I don't understand right why that's affecting you.
20:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, and we did talk about this in our one
20:15
Speaker 1: of our Ace or past Ace episodes. But I do
20:19
Speaker 1: get especially with like men kind of being douchebags in
20:25
Speaker 1: a lot of dating situations for women. Not I don't know,
20:29
Speaker 1: but there is there has been a history of men
20:34
Speaker 1: being like, oh, I don't want the emotional part. So
20:37
Speaker 1: I think that's getting twisted up with people who are
20:40
Speaker 1: truly arrow and I get that in terms of people
20:45
Speaker 1: who have been burned by that before. But I think
20:48
Speaker 1: that's part of the issue is there's no visibility and
20:52
Speaker 1: when people say that, they are immediately dismissed. I'm not
20:55
Speaker 1: saying there aren't bad players, because there absolutely are in asexuals,
21:00
Speaker 1: a romantics, there are everywhere, but but.
21:02
Speaker 2: For people to dismiss a whole group of people in
21:04
Speaker 2: the communities just because you don't like it or confuses you.
21:08
Speaker 2: And it's not confusing. It's confusing when you think you
21:11
Speaker 2: have one assumption of it and then you get corrected
21:13
Speaker 2: and it's no longer confusing.
21:15
Speaker 1: Like you learn your things.
21:16
Speaker 2: That's great. Like for me, I definitely had a misunderstanding
21:19
Speaker 2: and coming through I was like, oh, cause I think
21:20
Speaker 2: I called it. I said something to you like oh,
21:22
Speaker 2: you're this right, and you're like, no, oh okay, I did,
21:28
Speaker 2: and it took you a myth it to be like, no,
21:29
Speaker 2: that's not quite what that is.
21:31
Speaker 1: Like let's see, that's the thing is Like, like I said,
21:34
Speaker 1: I didn't know either. It's fine to not know.
21:36
Speaker 2: But I didn't get offended by that. There's being wrong
21:40
Speaker 2: doesn't mean that you have to fight it, Like, no,
21:43
Speaker 2: I can't be wrong, so this doesn't exist.
21:45
Speaker 1: What right and I feel like a lot of this
21:47
Speaker 1: does go back to what we've been talking about. What
21:50
Speaker 1: we have talked about of the like if someone's upfront
21:53
Speaker 1: with you and they say they're whatever orientation romantic or sexual,
21:58
Speaker 1: and then later you're like, oh, really, Like if they
22:02
Speaker 1: were upfront with you, then I don't. I don't feel
22:06
Speaker 1: like you should feel that you are going to change
22:09
Speaker 1: them or that they have betrayed you in some way,
22:11
Speaker 1: or that they're lying, Like I don't, that's not I
22:15
Speaker 1: was somebody who didn't know for a while and I
22:17
Speaker 1: was in relationships and I didn't know. That's a different thing.
22:19
Speaker 1: But like if somebody tells you no, if we're going
22:22
Speaker 1: to be in this relationship, this is this is who
22:25
Speaker 1: I am, this is how I feel, this is what
22:28
Speaker 1: and then later you're like, oh really you what don't
22:32
Speaker 1: do that?
22:34
Speaker 2: I mean that's good for anything. And like you said
22:37
Speaker 2: about relationship, because including like I don't want children, believe them.
22:41
Speaker 1: Yes, you can come back and have that conversation later.
22:44
Speaker 1: People can change. But if somebody says something that you
22:48
Speaker 1: shouldn't just be like, oh, I will change you. Right,
22:51
Speaker 1: they can change on their own. Maybe you can change
22:54
Speaker 1: on your own. Maybe and then you have that conversation again,
22:57
Speaker 1: but you don't trying to change them or not believe
23:01
Speaker 1: what they said. Right, So it.
23:03
Speaker 2: That's not new when it doesn't fall, when it falls.
23:05
Speaker 1: Apart exactly exactly. So we are going to go into
23:22
Speaker 1: some disturbing comments right here because we're going to talk
23:24
Speaker 1: about some asphobia stuff, which I learned there's like four
23:27
Speaker 1: words for asphobia, but most people know is phobia. So
23:29
Speaker 1: this is what we're going with. So one of the
23:30
Speaker 1: big misconceptions is an asexual person can never really be raped.
23:35
Speaker 1: That's not true. Here's a quote that BuzzFeed had in
23:39
Speaker 1: an article about this. In the twenty fifteen a Sexual
23:42
Speaker 1: Community Census, a volunteer run project, forty three point five
23:45
Speaker 1: percent of nearly eight thousand asas surveyed reported having experienced
23:49
Speaker 1: some form of sexual violence, including rape, assault, and corrosion,
23:53
Speaker 1: and we know those are usually under reported. Here's another
23:59
Speaker 1: quote from that. Coming out to strangers as a sexual
24:02
Speaker 1: or even friends, family, and partners is no small thing.
24:04
Speaker 1: People wrongly take it as an invitation to suggest you
24:07
Speaker 1: haven't found the right person yet, ask invasive questions about
24:10
Speaker 1: whether you've orgasmed and assert that they're the one who
24:14
Speaker 1: can fix you, if only you'd wizen up and let
24:17
Speaker 1: them try. One question in particular comes up often, especially
24:21
Speaker 1: for those who have survived sexual violence. Are you asexual
24:23
Speaker 1: because you were assaulted? Aces also fight the misconception that
24:28
Speaker 1: they can't be assaulted because they're never in sexual scenarios.
24:32
Speaker 1: To begin with, If you're not sexually attracted to people,
24:35
Speaker 1: you're not in those situations to be sexually assaulted. So,
24:38
Speaker 1: you know, are there even a sexual victims? Devin said,
24:41
Speaker 1: parroting a generalization she's heard, which obviously there are. You
24:45
Speaker 1: don't need to be in a sexual situation to be
24:48
Speaker 1: a victim or a survivor. Plus, many aces do sometimes
24:51
Speaker 1: pursue romance and sex.
24:53
Speaker 2: Feel like people don't understand what sexual assault or well
24:57
Speaker 2: what that is in general. To think that you have
24:59
Speaker 2: to be in situation that's pursued to be sexy, like
25:03
Speaker 2: to be.
25:06
Speaker 1: What it's bizarre. It feels like a very.
25:11
Speaker 2: It's just all men. Is this what men says? Because
25:13
Speaker 2: I can't imagine.
25:16
Speaker 1: I mean, I would guess, but I don't have the
25:18
Speaker 1: numbers in front of me. But it feels a very
25:21
Speaker 1: A lot of this is so hypocritical. And I'm going
25:23
Speaker 1: to talk about that in a second, because it's like
25:27
Speaker 1: we've heard the other side too, though, like you can't
25:30
Speaker 1: have been raped because you were in a sexual situation.
25:33
Speaker 2: Like right, none of does makes sense?
25:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's basically just like you.
25:39
Speaker 2: Can only be raped if you forcibly said no, and
25:41
Speaker 2: they're like kidnapped you. Essentially, Yes, that's right, exactly.
25:46
Speaker 1: Does that makes sense? It doesn't. Here's here's a quote.
25:50
Speaker 1: I found this pretty upsetting. This is for a medium.
25:53
Speaker 1: In twenty twelve, I met my rapist, mister Epperson name
25:56
Speaker 1: is for context later at an anime con sort of event.
26:00
Speaker 1: He was a bisys gender allosexual man. He knew I
26:03
Speaker 1: was a sexual and promised that we could go slow
26:05
Speaker 1: if I agreed to date him. Seeing As this was
26:08
Speaker 1: my first ever experience with a relationship and being autistic
26:11
Speaker 1: and easily manipulated, I naively agreed to date him. He
26:15
Speaker 1: predictably did not hold true to his promise and forced
26:18
Speaker 1: me to become sexual with him early on in the
26:20
Speaker 1: relationship by saying, well, how will I know you really
26:23
Speaker 1: love me if you're not willing to make love to me.
26:25
Speaker 1: He was very effective at discreetly threatening me with abandonment
26:28
Speaker 1: and ostracism from the community, and more later were I
26:32
Speaker 1: to ever say no to his advances. Some months into
26:36
Speaker 1: the abusive relationship, I finally persuaded him to watch a
26:39
Speaker 1: documentary on a sexuality in the hopes that he would
26:41
Speaker 1: learn how uncomfortable I was with sex. He made multiple
26:45
Speaker 1: comments on how effectively raping the male star would make
26:48
Speaker 1: him give up a sexuality. He was a feminist, though,
26:52
Speaker 1: so he never called what he did rape. He referred
26:55
Speaker 1: to a sexuals featured as creepy freaks. He boasted about
26:59
Speaker 1: how he had me and turned me into a normal
27:02
Speaker 1: person by threatening me and guilting me into allowing him
27:05
Speaker 1: to do what he wanted to me. He commented on
27:07
Speaker 1: what a sad, empty life the male star must have,
27:10
Speaker 1: not knowing the joy of having an epson dick inside
27:13
Speaker 1: of him. He and his mother, a cis gender bisexual woman,
27:17
Speaker 1: were laughing by the end of the documentary about the
27:19
Speaker 1: freaks who need help. He later admitted that he targeted
27:22
Speaker 1: me specifically because he was interested in curing a weirdo
27:26
Speaker 1: like me. Yep, yep, and I've heard this stuff too.
27:34
Speaker 1: It is very there's something broken with you. I can
27:38
Speaker 1: fix it. And it's strange because we're not going to
27:43
Speaker 1: go into it too in depth in here, but it's
27:45
Speaker 1: it's all wrapped up in this idea that you must
27:49
Speaker 1: in some way because our society is so strange around sex, right,
27:53
Speaker 1: especially gay sex, that it's like you must be in
27:58
Speaker 1: some way messed up. And for some people that can
28:02
Speaker 1: be true, but that's a thing to assume and also
28:04
Speaker 1: not something you should get. It's not your business, and
28:10
Speaker 1: maybe it's not true at all, but in either case,
28:16
Speaker 1: just know that's messed up. That's messed up. There's another
28:27
Speaker 1: A common thing that comes up is kind of a
28:30
Speaker 1: sexual person ever be discriminated against. Here is a quote.
28:35
Speaker 1: Aces often talk about the idea of the unassailable asexual,
28:38
Speaker 1: which is someone whose asexuality is begrudgingly accepted by the
28:41
Speaker 1: mainstream because there's no other plausible reason for their disinterest
28:45
Speaker 1: in sex. Someone who's white, cis neurotypical, not too old
28:49
Speaker 1: or not too young, and with no disabilities and no
28:52
Speaker 1: history of sexual trauma. If someone who could seemingly have
28:55
Speaker 1: their pick of sexual partners abstains from sex, then they
28:58
Speaker 1: must not have chosen this idea after all. Aces for
29:02
Speaker 1: more marginalized backgrounds often have more difficulty finding acceptance, let
29:06
Speaker 1: alone becoming public faces for the community and then from swaddle.
29:11
Speaker 1: Asexuality shares a particular tumultuous relationship with queerness. Where queerness
29:16
Speaker 1: has been defined by sex, expressing it, having it, and
29:18
Speaker 1: most importantly, taking pride in it. Asexuality dissenters the primacy
29:22
Speaker 1: of sex in our culture. So again, I think this
29:25
Speaker 1: is We've talked about this in our past episodes, and
29:27
Speaker 1: I've talked about this a lot with like feminism, because
29:30
Speaker 1: I want women to not be shamed for having sex,
29:33
Speaker 1: and having as much sex as they want is healthy,
29:37
Speaker 1: consensual sex. But I also feel like there should be
29:39
Speaker 1: a space for you know what, I don't want that,
29:43
Speaker 1: and it's nothing being wrong with either. And then here's
29:47
Speaker 1: another one. I've heard this one a lot. Isn't an
29:50
Speaker 1: asexual person just someone no one wants to have sex with.
29:53
Speaker 1: I've heard people say this about me.
29:55
Speaker 2: You yeah, well you also put that point wrong where
30:00
Speaker 2: the weird advances that happen they're like, why are you
30:02
Speaker 2: doing this?
30:03
Speaker 1: Well, it's so funny because they say that, they immediately
30:06
Speaker 1: are like, I'll have sex with your.
30:08
Speaker 2: What immediately like disproving those like.
30:12
Speaker 1: Well, I also like I don't think we should be
30:14
Speaker 1: proving worse this way.
30:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, well mean that's that was the other part to
30:18
Speaker 2: this is like when we talked about people saying, you know,
30:21
Speaker 2: asexuals because they have too much trauma of that, first
30:24
Speaker 2: of all, it's not just asexuals. Is everyone who has
30:26
Speaker 2: trauma and they react to it differently. Everybody reacts to differently.
30:29
Speaker 2: Someone becomes overly sexual, hypersexual is what we call it,
30:33
Speaker 2: and we've seen that. I've seen that with a lot
30:36
Speaker 2: of child uh sex abuse cases, like and that's a
30:40
Speaker 2: big sign. Like all these different things are signs everywhere
30:43
Speaker 2: that trauma affects sexuality in general, whether it goes for
30:46
Speaker 2: one's part of the spectrum to the other. And it's
30:48
Speaker 2: kind of like even if it is based on trauma,
30:51
Speaker 2: if that's what part of their healing is, then let
30:54
Speaker 2: it be. Like because I've said, you're right, I've heard
30:58
Speaker 2: it for not only for a sexuals, but I've heard
31:00
Speaker 2: it for like gay men again and then promiscuously women
31:04
Speaker 2: and all these things, Like there's so many things like
31:06
Speaker 2: it's because you've been traumatized me, Like you're probably not wrong,
31:09
Speaker 2: but I'm also cisgender like sexual heterosexual person who was
31:15
Speaker 2: also traumatized, Like it's a thing for everyone. It just
31:20
Speaker 2: is I and you accept me the way I am,
31:23
Speaker 2: even though I have trauma based on that as well,
31:25
Speaker 2: Like there's so many things to that conversation. It's like, well,
31:29
Speaker 2: if this is the reaction to trauma, which is not
31:31
Speaker 2: the case, because obviously we all handle it differently, like
31:34
Speaker 2: you and I are very much on different parts of
31:35
Speaker 2: the spectrum going through civil trauma, right, so it's not
31:40
Speaker 2: necessarily a reaction to trauma. Trauma just happens.
31:43
Speaker 1: To be there, right point blank. That's yes. And that
31:47
Speaker 1: was a big realization for me because I did and
31:50
Speaker 1: listeners you have heard me talk about this, because I
31:53
Speaker 1: really struggled with that. I was like, maybe it could
31:55
Speaker 1: be this or this or this, because I've been fed
31:57
Speaker 1: that like my whole life, like here's your drugs you
32:01
Speaker 1: can take to improve your libido, here's like all these
32:04
Speaker 1: things you can do because this is wrong with you
32:07
Speaker 1: and this It was a real revelation I had on
32:10
Speaker 1: this show where people were like, you know what kind
32:12
Speaker 1: of at the end of the day, doesn't matter, that's
32:14
Speaker 1: how you identify, you feel comfortable with it. You feel good,
32:16
Speaker 1: then that's it, and that's how that's how I feel exactly.
32:21
Speaker 2: And maybe coming to that realization is part of that
32:23
Speaker 2: healing of like oh.
32:25
Speaker 1: Honestly, yeah, because for a while I was I got
32:28
Speaker 1: this so in my head like this is yes, something
32:30
Speaker 1: must be wrong with me. But when I was finally
32:33
Speaker 1: just like you know what, I feel comfortable, like this
32:36
Speaker 1: feels right, then it was. It was a very settling
32:40
Speaker 1: in myself moment. And here's a quote that kind of
32:43
Speaker 1: relates to that from Victims Service Center of Central Florida.
32:48
Speaker 1: Sometimes when someone experience the sexual violence, the construct of
32:51
Speaker 1: sexual orientation is questioned. This is because society's norm is heterosexual.
32:55
Speaker 1: When someone identifies as heterosexual, no one asks, how do
32:59
Speaker 1: you really know if you are heterosexual? Or are you heterosexual?
33:02
Speaker 1: Because you are sexually assaulted. I like to say that
33:04
Speaker 1: for whatever reason you identify as ACE as valid, you
33:07
Speaker 1: can still identify as ACE even if you think something
33:10
Speaker 1: caused your lack of attraction. The reality is we will
33:13
Speaker 1: never know. I believe I was born ACE, and I
33:15
Speaker 1: am okay with that.
33:17
Speaker 4: You know.
33:18
Speaker 2: Thinking about that quote in itself is like we know
33:20
Speaker 2: a lot of who people who are queer, but were
33:24
Speaker 2: afraid to come out. Was because of the trauma of
33:26
Speaker 2: being told that they can't be queer exactly, so they
33:30
Speaker 2: tried to identify as heterosexual. But you're like, wait, but
33:33
Speaker 2: are you It's because it's the trauma.
33:35
Speaker 3: It's really you know, like, let's see of it all.
33:39
Speaker 1: It's true. And I talked about that in the book.
33:41
Speaker 1: I was so afraid to do it. I would like
33:43
Speaker 1: have nightmares when I was in seventh grade, like I
33:45
Speaker 1: will please don't let me be gay. God, I can't
33:48
Speaker 1: handle it, Like it's heartbreaking. And speaking of here's another quote.
33:57
Speaker 1: Fifty percent of a sexual people have already seriously thought
34:00
Speaker 1: about suicide, and fourteen percent have made an attempt, according
34:03
Speaker 1: to a twenty sixteen study. And here's something that kind
34:07
Speaker 1: of resonated with me. This is a quote from Ace
34:09
Speaker 1: and the whole My asexuality became dangerous while trying to
34:13
Speaker 1: navigate my first adult relationship. One of the first few
34:17
Speaker 1: people I came out to was my then partner, and
34:19
Speaker 1: after his first reaction of dismissing me entirely, he became angry.
34:23
Speaker 1: He said I had lied that it was akin to cheating.
34:26
Speaker 1: It was the only time in our relationship that I
34:28
Speaker 1: was afraid he would hit me. This anger from men
34:30
Speaker 1: became an alarmingly common theme when I was single. I
34:34
Speaker 1: struggled with disclosing in the early stages of meeting someone.
34:37
Speaker 1: It was a deal breaker for a lot of men,
34:39
Speaker 1: and I didn't want to waste their time. But I
34:40
Speaker 1: also didn't know these men well. I didn't have the
34:43
Speaker 1: confidence that they wouldn't attack me personally or physically for
34:46
Speaker 1: a perceived challenge to their masculinity. Women are taught from
34:50
Speaker 1: an early age to manage the egos of the men
34:52
Speaker 1: in their lives, from fathers and husbands to co workers
34:55
Speaker 1: and bosses. We are to keep the peace and avoid
34:58
Speaker 1: rocking the boat asexuality. He disrupts that. Saying that you
35:01
Speaker 1: aren't sexually attracted to anyone becomes a personal slight and
35:04
Speaker 1: it reinforces fears that they aren't desirable, undermines the self
35:08
Speaker 1: worth of a self conscious man, and ultimately challenges the
35:11
Speaker 1: status and power in the society. As a woman. This
35:14
Speaker 1: is a risky thing to do, so yeah, I mean,
35:18
Speaker 1: it's like we've talked about that too, where you know,
35:20
Speaker 1: we have to manage. You can't just say no, because
35:23
Speaker 1: then men get mad, but then they are mad at
35:25
Speaker 1: you because you didn't just say no, because you like
35:28
Speaker 1: let them along, you tease them, you tease them. It's
35:30
Speaker 1: a similar thing. Yeah, it's like unless I trust you enough,
35:34
Speaker 1: and it's hard to tell people like, oh, hey, I'm asexual,
35:38
Speaker 1: and I'm probably not gonna tell you the first time
35:41
Speaker 1: I meet you. You're right.
35:44
Speaker 2: There was a whole incident with a woman saying no
35:47
Speaker 2: to a person and then them getting mad and then
35:50
Speaker 2: him hitting out with a brick. That just happened, and
35:54
Speaker 2: people blame to her say that she's always going after
35:56
Speaker 2: people anyway, so she probably deserved it, and like there
35:59
Speaker 2: was evidence, clear evidence. And the dude came out and he
36:02
Speaker 2: was like, yeah, I didn't like our attitude.
36:04
Speaker 1: You're telling me no.
36:05
Speaker 2: Wow, they still don't believe ours.
36:09
Speaker 1: Like her attitude? Who what? Wow? Yeah, so you wonder
36:15
Speaker 1: why we are.
36:17
Speaker 2: Right? We play along and we give you a fake number,
36:21
Speaker 2: and the fake a boyfriend or husband, which doesn't.
36:23
Speaker 1: Often they're like, oh I'm better than that guy, Oh
36:26
Speaker 1: my gosh.
36:28
Speaker 4: Or they don't let you have a friend, Nope, nope,
36:31
Speaker 4: they let you out. Well, okay, ran away.
36:48
Speaker 1: Another thing that we've been talking about throughout this is
36:52
Speaker 1: this whole idea, like, yes, you have to change, you
36:54
Speaker 1: have to change the drugs I talked about, Like you
36:57
Speaker 1: have the magazines that say to have sex two or
37:01
Speaker 1: three times to be fulfilled. It's just like kind of
37:04
Speaker 1: constant barrage of this is what it is. This is
37:08
Speaker 1: if that's not what's going on for you. And that's
37:10
Speaker 1: even for people who might not be a sexual just
37:12
Speaker 1: not have much of a libido, like still telling you
37:15
Speaker 1: something's wrong, trying to sell you this medication. How do
37:18
Speaker 1: you know if you've never tried. And I kind of
37:23
Speaker 1: hate this because this. I have had sex I didn't want.
37:28
Speaker 1: I've never had sex I enjoyed, but I did it
37:31
Speaker 1: because of this, and I also like I hate that.
37:35
Speaker 1: But I also a lot of times I don't think
37:38
Speaker 1: it ever clarified this because I've said I've done it
37:40
Speaker 1: out of fear. Sometimes it's not fear of like abuse.
37:45
Speaker 1: Sometimes it is, but sometimes it's a fear that if
37:48
Speaker 1: I do it once, I'm such a people pleaser, I'll
37:51
Speaker 1: be tracked in this and they'll expect it, and I
37:54
Speaker 1: know that I'll do it, So it's almost like even
37:59
Speaker 1: if I'm not necessarily afraid of like some kind of
38:02
Speaker 1: physical abuse. I'm afraid that I will just do what
38:08
Speaker 1: they want because that is more important than anything I
38:11
Speaker 1: wouldn't eat or want.
38:13
Speaker 2: I mean, we've talked about it many times where we
38:16
Speaker 2: just try to get it over with quickly so that
38:18
Speaker 2: we can get moved on and hope for the best
38:20
Speaker 2: and then just never talk to.
38:21
Speaker 3: Them again.
38:23
Speaker 1: Again. I laugh because it's sad, I'm true, but yeah,
38:26
Speaker 1: I mean essentially, and I just I've been in several
38:30
Speaker 1: situations where I feel like I communicated that and I
38:34
Speaker 1: wasn't really believed, and then it did turn into resentment
38:38
Speaker 1: because I was like, if this happens once I'm afraid of,
38:41
Speaker 1: it'll just be expected and then I I'll just do it.
38:45
Speaker 1: So that's definitely something that resonated with me when I
38:47
Speaker 1: was reading about it. I do as I said, I
38:50
Speaker 1: think people get confused about the bi romantic that they
38:52
Speaker 1: hear that I'm attracted to somebody, although they're almost always
38:55
Speaker 1: fictional characters, and they're like, so you do want s Like, no, trash.
39:02
Speaker 2: Is not the same thing we're trying to do many
39:05
Speaker 2: people doesn't mean I want to have sex with them exactly.
39:08
Speaker 1: I can be like, oh, look, it looks so good
39:11
Speaker 1: and that's it. That's it.
39:13
Speaker 3: I just want to pet their face exactly head, oh,
39:19
Speaker 3: give them a cookie literally, and like, like I said,
39:25
Speaker 3: this is there's so much double standards in this because
39:29
Speaker 3: I keep going back to this point of like, especially
39:32
Speaker 3: with women, you can't be too sexual, but you better
39:36
Speaker 3: want to have sex with a man when he wants
39:37
Speaker 3: it when you're married.
39:39
Speaker 1: And all of that's being said to a lot of
39:41
Speaker 1: us who have been raised believing sexist taboo and you
39:44
Speaker 1: don't talk about it and it's bad. And then it's
39:49
Speaker 1: like yeah, but when you get married to a man
39:51
Speaker 1: and then when he wants it to say okay. But
39:54
Speaker 1: then I'm like I just don't want it, and they're like, no, wait,
40:00
Speaker 1: that's wrong too. Have you heard that to consummate a
40:03
Speaker 1: marriage and most religions you have to have sex.
40:06
Speaker 2: As well as that's your purpose.
40:08
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you have to have kids or else what
40:10
Speaker 1: are you even doing here? What you're not You're racing.
40:12
Speaker 2: Our time, not traveling all over the world and just
40:16
Speaker 2: enjoying your life.
40:17
Speaker 1: Right, And to be clear, like that hurts. That narrative hurts,
40:21
Speaker 1: like people who can't have kids and want them, but
40:24
Speaker 1: also plenty of people who can have kids and don't
40:26
Speaker 1: want them of all types. Another thing, being asexual is
40:34
Speaker 1: not against the law most places, mostly because people don't
40:36
Speaker 1: know what it is. But that means that as people
40:40
Speaker 1: who are seeking asylum are not included under the LGBTT
40:43
Speaker 1: plus applicants for the status of course saying that it
40:47
Speaker 1: is worth recognizing the other side too, because being trans
40:49
Speaker 1: or homosexual is punishable and against the law in several places,
40:53
Speaker 1: so just to keep that in mind. In the UK,
40:58
Speaker 1: it is still recognized as a matter disorder, meaning ACE
41:01
Speaker 1: people are ten percent more likely to get pushed to
41:03
Speaker 1: get conversion therapy, and it is not recognized under the
41:07
Speaker 1: twenty ten Sexual Orientation Equality Act. New York's Sexual Orientation
41:11
Speaker 1: Non Discrimination Act of two thousand and three is one
41:14
Speaker 1: of the only pieces of legislation that mentions asexual people.
41:17
Speaker 1: The American Psychiatric Association recognize a sexuality as a sexual
41:21
Speaker 1: orientation in twenty thirteen. Here's another quote I want to
41:24
Speaker 1: include from Growth think Tank because I've heard this a
41:27
Speaker 1: lot too. It should be remembered that asexuality is not
41:31
Speaker 1: a puritanical or religious movement seeking to advocate abstinence. It
41:35
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with morals or ethics, since it
41:37
Speaker 1: is neither a choice nor an opinion. Asexual people are
41:40
Speaker 1: not against sex, nor do they want to prevent anyone
41:42
Speaker 1: from having sex. Yeah, safe consensual sex, go for it.
41:48
Speaker 1: Of all about it. Also, a lot of comments people
41:51
Speaker 1: will say are if you're talking about it, means you're
41:53
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with it, which I think is ridiculous. And then
41:57
Speaker 1: here's my final quote. Asexuality is a sexual orientation that
42:01
Speaker 1: is different from heterosexuality. Heteros are both heterosexual and heteromantic.
42:05
Speaker 1: Asexuals can be cisgender, hetero romantic, and asexual, as well
42:08
Speaker 1: as transgender, homo romantic, and asexual. The inclusion of the
42:12
Speaker 1: asexual persons in the lgbtqiplus community therefore does not mean
42:15
Speaker 1: the inclusion of cis gender and heterosexual persons. There is
42:19
Speaker 1: also a myth of the cis gender and heteroasexuals claiming
42:22
Speaker 1: to be asexual in order to infiltrate the lgbtqiplus community.
42:27
Speaker 1: This reminds us of the terf discourse asserting that transgender
42:30
Speaker 1: women or men disguised as women to integrate from this movement.
42:33
Speaker 1: So this was in kind of going back to something
42:36
Speaker 1: you said earlier, but this was in relation to a
42:38
Speaker 1: lot of kind of conspiracy theories that asexuality is just
42:44
Speaker 1: invented by straight people to get into queer spaces. Yeah yeah,
42:53
Speaker 1: I mean, And that's the thing, as you said that,
42:56
Speaker 1: like bisexual people did and still face that in the
42:59
Speaker 1: queer community, the trans people didn't still face that too.
43:04
Speaker 1: So I feel like there's been progress. And like I said,
43:11
Speaker 1: this isn't about comparing hardships, because we already know that
43:16
Speaker 1: pitting marginalized people against each other only helps those that
43:18
Speaker 1: are pressing us. I think it is important to recognize intersections.
43:23
Speaker 1: I think it's important to keep context in mind. But
43:26
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of times it kind of
43:28
Speaker 1: breaks my heart because this conversation. A lot of conversations
43:32
Speaker 1: like this devolve into well you're not really queer, or
43:38
Speaker 1: well you're taking up space, or well why are we
43:41
Speaker 1: talking about this? One should be talking about this, So
43:45
Speaker 1: I'm not about that. I feel like there's room to
43:49
Speaker 1: talk about all of this, and we should talk about
43:50
Speaker 1: all of this, right.
43:51
Speaker 2: I think that's the thing is like I hate that
43:54
Speaker 2: you even have to acknowledge or put that as a caveat,
43:58
Speaker 2: because you should be able to talk about your identity
44:01
Speaker 2: and what you are going through and understanding the differences
44:04
Speaker 2: and why it's important to talk about these precise labels
44:09
Speaker 2: and or identifications.
44:10
Speaker 3: And I don't think it's a bad thing.
44:12
Speaker 2: Like it's odd if someone who is in the marginalized
44:16
Speaker 2: communities like, but but it doesn't obtain to me, so
44:19
Speaker 2: I don't it's not important. Again, this is kind of
44:22
Speaker 2: that narrative of weere like, hmm, this is why intersectionality
44:26
Speaker 2: is important, and that when we say intersectional, we mean
44:29
Speaker 2: room for everyone, and that we should hold space for
44:32
Speaker 2: everyone and to look at the bigger picture.
44:34
Speaker 1: Yeah, and we've talked about that a lot, Like this
44:37
Speaker 1: idea of like there's not enough space. That's such a
44:41
Speaker 1: that's just maintaining the status quo of like keeping marginalized
44:44
Speaker 1: people in the margins, like there's space to talk about
44:48
Speaker 1: this and everything else. So yeah, and I do think
44:53
Speaker 1: it affects everyone in the queer community and not all
44:56
Speaker 1: of this stuff. So thank you for going on my
45:00
Speaker 1: crash course. I'm still learning to thank you for sharing.
45:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, I learned new things today.
45:05
Speaker 1: I'm like, wow, Okay, yeah, I'm still learning too. I'm
45:08
Speaker 1: still learning too, Honestly, a lot of the like questions
45:11
Speaker 1: I've gotten have legitimately been really genuinely curious, like they
45:16
Speaker 1: want to know, and I appreciate that. So hopefully this helps.
45:20
Speaker 1: Hopefully this helps, and I really appreciate all of the
45:23
Speaker 1: support I've gotten from you, Samantha, and from listeners and
45:27
Speaker 1: all lot. So yeah, if you have any thoughts about this,
45:30
Speaker 1: I know some of you have reached out about resources.
45:31
Speaker 1: If you want any resources, I can send those to you,
45:34
Speaker 1: or if you have resources, you can send those to me.
45:38
Speaker 1: You can email us at stuff that your mom Stuff
45:40
Speaker 1: at ihurtmedia dot com. You can find us on Twitter
45:42
Speaker 1: at mom Stuff podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok at
45:45
Speaker 1: stuff I Never told you. We have a tea public
45:48
Speaker 1: store and a book where, yes I do talk about this.
45:51
Speaker 1: You can get it at stuff you should read Books
45:52
Speaker 1: dot com or wherever you get your books. Thanks as
45:55
Speaker 1: always to our super producer Christina, executive producer Maya, and
45:58
Speaker 1: our contributor Joey. Thank you, I love the accent. Thanks
46:03
Speaker 1: to you for listening. Stefan never told me the restriction
46:06
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Speaker 1: you can check out the Heart Are you app Apple podcasts,
46:09
Speaker 1: or where you listen to your favorite ships.