Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 206: Emotional Caretaking: How to Care Without Carrying Everyone Else’s Burden

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206: Emotional Caretaking: How to Care Without Carrying Everyone Else’s Burden · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Speaker: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  Speaker: My name is MaryAnn Walker and I'm the life coach for those who are starting to discover that they're investing a whole lot of energy into managing other people's emotions.
• 0:29
  Speaker: And today we're going to explore a bit of the conditioning behind that because many of us were raised to not only prioritize other people's feelings over our own, but we were also taught either explicitly or implicitly that we are responsible for other people's emotions.
• 0:45
  Speaker: For example, maybe you were told by a parent or a teacher, don't hurt their feelings.
• 0:50
  Speaker: Now on the surface, and this sounds like good advice, right?
• 0:52
  Speaker: It sounds kind, it sounds considerate.
• 0:54
  Speaker: It sounds like something a thoughtful person would do.
• 0:57
  Speaker: But for many people, then that message, it didn't just teach us to be considerate of other people, but it taught us that we are responsible for other people's emotions.
• 1:06
  Speaker: And that's a very different thing.
• 1:08
  Speaker: A lot of us were raised to prioritize other people's feelings over our own.
• 1:12
  Speaker: For example, growing up, maybe you heard things like,"well, you better go give grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, whoever it is, you better go give them a hug, goodbye.
• 1:19
  Speaker: Or else they'll be sad." Even though you were a kid who didn't really like hugs.
• 1:22
  Speaker: Or maybe you were told.
• 1:24
  Speaker: "You need to include that kid so that they don't feel left out," even though that particular kid was kind of mean to you, and you actually needed a break from them, not more engagement.
• 1:33
  Speaker: Or maybe you were told, Hey, well you can't say no to their request.
• 1:36
  Speaker: You have to help them, even if it's inconvenient for you.
• 1:39
  Speaker: That's what good people do.
• 1:41
  Speaker: Now, again, the intention behind these messages was usually good.
• 1:44
  Speaker: Parents and teachers and clergy, they were trying to teach kindness and empathy.
• 1:48
  Speaker: They were trying to teach consideration and understanding.
• 1:52
  Speaker: But what many of us internalized from these moments was, other people's emotions are my responsibility.
• 1:57
  Speaker: And when you grow up believing that, then it really shapes how it is that you move through relationships as an adult.
• 2:02
  Speaker: It creates kind of like a hypervigilance where"it is my job to make sure that everybody else is okay and I can't be okay until everybody else is okay." It creates a hypersensitivity to other people's moods and emotions, and it creates a belief that"if somebody is upset it means that I'm not safe' or it means"I have done something wrong.
• 2:22
  Speaker: I have failed in some way." You start to become somebody who tries to anticipate everybody else's feelings so that you can better manage them.
• 2:30
  Speaker: And then you get really busy acting on that, right?
• 2:32
  Speaker: So you're getting busy working to prevent anybody from experiencing any form of disappointment.
• 2:36
  Speaker: You're working hard to prevent conflict by being super agreeable and never letting on that, oh, well, I actually feel differently about this, or I might prefer this.
• 2:44
  Speaker: You can't let them know because your job is to be agreeable.
• 2:47
  Speaker: Otherwise, it might upset somebody.
• 2:49
  Speaker: You're working really hard to prevent the discomfort of others.
• 2:52
  Speaker: Even if it's making you really uncomfortable.
• 2:56
  Speaker: And now you're making decisions not based on what actually works for you, but you're making decision based on what is gonna keep everybody else happy and emotionally comfortable.
• 3:06
  Speaker: But here is the really important distinction.
• 3:09
  Speaker: There is a big difference between having consideration for someone's feelings and being responsible for those feelings.
• 3:16
  Speaker: And somebody having a negative emotion...
• 3:19
  Speaker: it doesn't necessarily mean that there's anything wrong.
• 3:22
  Speaker: It just means that they're feeling their feelings.
• 3:24
  Speaker: And that's okay.
• 3:25
  Speaker: And letting them feel their feelings.
• 3:27
  Speaker: It does not mean that you're a big fat jerk.
• 3:30
  Speaker: In fact, you can care about how somebody else feels.
• 3:33
  Speaker: You can be thoughtful, you can be compassionate.
• 3:36
  Speaker: You can even choose to accommodate someone's request when you're able to.
• 3:39
  Speaker: But that does not mean that you are personally responsible for their emotional reactions.
• 3:45
  Speaker: If as we're driving down the road, if my husband gets upset with traffic, it is not my job to fix it for him.
• 3:51
  Speaker: It is his job to learn how to manage his emotions around traffic.
• 3:55
  Speaker: If my teen doesn't like their job or doesn't like their teacher, it is not my responsibility to jump in and fix it for them so they don't have to experience any form of discomfort.
• 4:04
  Speaker: Instead, it is their responsibility to learn how to navigate their own emotions and solve their own problems.
• 4:10
  Speaker: That's what helps us to be mature adults, is having those opportunities.
• 4:14
  Speaker: If somebody asks me to do something for them and they get upset when their timing doesn't match with my timing, and I can't help them out in the way that they wanted me to, it is not my job to change my schedule and shift around my priorities in order to calm them down.
• 4:29
  Speaker: Instead, it is their responsibility to feel their feelings and come up with another solution to their problem.
• 4:35
  Speaker: Right?
• 4:36
  Speaker: I can still have compassion around how frustrating it must be to think that you have found a solution and that MaryAnn was the answer, only to discover that, oh, you know what, Maryanne's not gonna work out this time, but it is not my job to fix it for them.
• 4:49
  Speaker: Having compassion someone and being responsible for their feelings are two very different things.
• 4:54
  Speaker: And this is where things start to get a little bit complicated for people pleasers.
• 4:57
  Speaker: Because the truth is that helping somebody when you genuinely want to help, it can feel so good.
• 5:02
  Speaker: Being generous, it feels so good.
• 5:05
  Speaker: Being inclusive, it feels so good being accommodating.
• 5:09
  Speaker: When it works for you, it can feel so good.
• 5:12
  Speaker: But the moment that you start believing that you are now somehow personally responsible for how somebody else feels, then all of those things, they just land differently.
• 5:22
  Speaker: This is when your thoughts shift from I want to, and I choose to, to, well, I have to, and I'm supposed to.
• 5:29
  Speaker: It has a very different emotional weight.
• 5:31
  Speaker: And then what used to felt like kindness and generosity, it's now starting to feel like duty and obligation.
• 5:37
  Speaker: And duty and obligation..
• 5:39
  Speaker: They don't feel good, right?
• 5:40
  Speaker: It feels heavy.
• 5:42
  Speaker: It feels like pressure.
• 5:43
  Speaker: It feels like you don't really have a choice or a say in the matter.
• 5:46
  Speaker: And over time, then that pressure, it can turn into burnout or resentment, which isn't kind.
• 5:52
  Speaker: And guess what?
• 5:53
  Speaker: Resentment and burnout, they do not serve the relationship either, so it's not actually helping when you notice that those emotions are coming in.
• 6:00
  Speaker: And there are two things that happen when we take on the responsibility of managing other people's emotions.
• 6:06
  Speaker: The first thing is that when you constantly manage somebody else's emotional experience, then you're actually preventing them from developing their own emotional resilience.
• 6:15
  Speaker: In other words, you might think that you're helping them, but what you're actually doing is preventing them from ever having to feel and process their own emotions.
• 6:25
  Speaker: It's kind of a little bit like having a swim instructor that never actually lets their students swim or even go near the deep end.
• 6:31
  Speaker: And they may say no, but something bad might happen if I let them do that.
• 6:34
  Speaker: And yeah, it might.
• 6:36
  Speaker: And if they aren't given the opportunity to learn how to swim, if they're never exposed to the deep end, they will never learn how to swim on their own.
• 6:45
  Speaker: Okay.
• 6:45
  Speaker: Another example.
• 6:46
  Speaker: Maybe you have a friend or a family member who gets upset whenever somebody disagrees with them and because they don't know how to manage their own emotions, then everybody around them, they're all trying to manage their emotions for them.
• 6:57
  Speaker: So everyone around them constantly avoids disagreeing with them or even sharing an alternative perspective.
• 7:02
  Speaker: And this might be about politics, religion, the stock market, you name it.
• 7:05
  Speaker: But they're avoiding all those subjects just to keep this one person comfortable.
• 7:10
  Speaker: And it can seem like a kindness.
• 7:12
  Speaker: But the truth is that now they're never going to have the opportunity to learn how to develop the skills needed to handle a perceived disagreement or a difference of opinion.
• 7:22
  Speaker: And that's not actually serving them.
• 7:24
  Speaker: And especially if they have friends or family members who do actually have different views when it comes to religion and politics and all those things, if they have different morals and values and opinions.
• 7:33
  Speaker: So by everybody choosing to walk on eggshells around them, they're never actually given the opportunity to learn that not only is discomfort a part of life, but it's absolutely something that they can survive, right?
• 7:43
  Speaker: It's not a life or death experience here.
• 7:45
  Speaker: Not only that, but if they can learn how to tolerate different views and opinions over time, how much happier will not only they be, but how much happier will their friends and family members be when they're actually free to express themselves and express that they actually view the world differently.
• 8:01
  Speaker: When we constantly manage other people's emotions, we unintentionally keep them trapped in emotional childhood.
• 8:08
  Speaker: Because real emotional growth and maturity, it only happens when people are allowed to feel their feelings and learn how to work through them.
• 8:17
  Speaker: The second thing that happens when you believe that you're personally responsible for how other people feel is that there's often an unconscious assumption that they're also now responsible for how it is that you feel.
• 8:27
  Speaker: Doesn't everybody do that?
• 8:28
  Speaker: We're all supposed to just make sure everybody feels okay, and that includes me.
• 8:32
  Speaker: You are now responsible for how I feel, which is actually a very disempowering belief because now your happiness is not tied to what is inside of you and within your control, but now your happiness is tied to what is outside of you and outside of your control.
• 8:48
  Speaker: It is so easy to assume that because I'm being so kind and considerate of others' emotions and I'm doing things for them and I'm sacrificing for them that they should do the same thing for me.
• 8:59
  Speaker: And this expectation, it's rarely spoken out loud, but instead it's kind of like a silent contract that we have with other people, and it really can lead to a lot of resentment when they do not follow our invisible manual for them.
• 9:09
  Speaker: So when this is happening, you might find yourself thinking things like.
• 9:12
  Speaker: "Really after all the things that I've done for them, this is the least that they could do." Or,"well, they should just know what it is that I need right now.
• 9:19
  Speaker: Why aren't they showing up for me?" Or"why don't they put as much effort into making me happy as I put into making them happy?
• 9:26
  Speaker: And that is when resentment can start to build because now you're living according to a contract that the other person they never really agreed to, they have no idea what your rules of engagement are for them.
• 9:36
  Speaker: And if you wanna learn more about this, I will link a few episodes in the show notes about manuals and expectations because This is a big deal and it can take a while to kind of workshop through that.
• 9:45
  Speaker: So check out the show and let's see if this resonates with you.
• 9:47
  Speaker: But for now, I want you to know that when you expect other people to manage your emotions rather than creating connection, it's usually creating tension and resentment.
• 9:56
  Speaker: Because if your emotional state depends upon somebody else's behavior, then your peace...
• 10:02
  Speaker: It's always going to be fragile.
• 10:04
  Speaker: Now, let me give you just a really simple example here.
• 10:07
  Speaker: Let's say that you tell yourself, well all feel happy when my partner finally starts helping out more around the house.
• 10:12
  Speaker: Now, if helping out around the house, then yeah, that is absolutely a reasonable request to make.
• 10:17
  Speaker: But if your happiness becomes dependent upon and conditional upon them doing the dishes, then you have just handed over the keys to your own emotional experience.
• 10:25
  Speaker: You've essentially said, well, my happiness will begin once you start to behave the way that I want you to behave.
• 10:31
  Speaker: Until then, I'm gonna stay frustrated in a relationship.
• 10:33
  Speaker: I'm gonna stay irritated, I'm gonna stay unhappy.
• 10:35
  Speaker: And now you are the one who is delaying your own joy.
• 10:39
  Speaker: You could choose to just experience joy now, but you have made your capacity to feel joy conditional upon they're getting the dishes done.
• 10:47
  Speaker: So another example might look like this.
• 10:49
  Speaker: So imagine that somebody is posting something on social media and then they're constantly checking their phone to see how many people liked it.
• 10:56
  Speaker: When this happens then their emotional state, it is rising and falling based on how many people have responded.
• 11:02
  Speaker: If a lot of people have engaged with their post, then they feel really good about life.
• 11:06
  Speaker: But if no one is engaging, then they start to feel rejected or unimportant.
• 11:11
  Speaker: They're allowing external circumstances to dictate if what it is that they're sharing about their life, if it's valid or not.
• 11:17
  Speaker: So now their emotional experience, it is now dependent upon something outside of themselves, and that's a really unstable place to live in emotionally.
• 11:27
  Speaker: So today I want you to start to notice two things in your life.
• 11:29
  Speaker: First, I want you to notice where you might be taking responsibility for somebody else's emotions.
• 11:34
  Speaker: Where is it that you're people pleasing and placating just to make somebody else happy, but when it's making yourself miserable.
• 11:38
  Speaker: Right?
• 11:39
  Speaker: Are there situations where you feel like it is your job to keep somebody else from being disappointed?
• 11:43
  Speaker: Are there moments where you say yes to something you don't actually want to do because you're trying to protect somebody else from feeling upset?
• 11:49
  Speaker: Are there conversations that you're avoiding because you're afraid that the other person might feel uncomfortable?
• 11:54
  Speaker: Just kind of start to notice those patterns.
• 11:56
  Speaker: Okay.
• 11:57
  Speaker: And then the second thing I want you to notice is the opposite dynamic.
• 12:01
  Speaker: Notice if there are places where you are unintentionally putting somebody else in charge of your emotional experience.
• 12:06
  Speaker: Are there moments where you're waiting to see how somebody else shows up before you decide how you're going to feel about a situation?
• 12:12
  Speaker: Are you waiting for somebody else to validate you before you allow yourself to feel confident in yourself?
• 12:17
  Speaker: Are you waiting for somebody else to change before you allow yourself to feel peace?
• 12:22
  Speaker: Because real emotional maturity, it looks far different from that.
• 12:26
  Speaker: Okay?
• 12:26
  Speaker: Real emotional maturity is actually recognizing that every single person is responsible for their own emotional experience.
• 12:33
  Speaker: This means that you get to manage your emotions and they get to manage theirs.
• 12:39
  Speaker: Now, this does not mean that we stop caring about each other.
• 12:41
  Speaker: It doesn't mean that we stop being kind or thoughtful,.
• 12:43
  Speaker: But it does mean that we stop taking ownership of emotions that don't belong to us.
• 12:47
  Speaker: And interestingly enough, when you stop trying to control everybody else's emotional experience, then your relationships are going to become significantly healthier.
• 12:56
  Speaker: There's going to be more honesty, there's going to be more clarity, and there's going to be significantly less silent resentment because now everyone is standing in their own emotional responsibility.
• 13:07
  Speaker: All right.
• 13:07
  Speaker: One more quick story before we wrap up.
• 13:09
  Speaker: Before coaching, I was very guilty of both attempting to manage my husband's emotions and expecting him to manage mine, and I didn't even realize this until I began coaching.
• 13:18
  Speaker: I didn't realize how often I had the silent expectation that my husband show up for me in certain ways until my expectations weren't met.
• 13:26
  Speaker: And I found myself feeling upset and miserable and resentful.
• 13:29
  Speaker: And to be honest with you, it did take some practice.
• 13:31
  Speaker: And at one point I did have to tell my husband, I said, Hey, I'm practicing being more responsible for my own emotions and I'm practicing explicitly stating requests instead of just expecting you to know what it is that I want and expecting you to mind read.
• 13:42
  Speaker: So I'm probably gonna be a little bit clumsy as I learn to manage my emotions and let you manage your emotions.
• 13:48
  Speaker: And I'm probably gonna be clumsy as I work to practice stating requests and making actual requests instead of just assuming that you'll know.
• 13:54
  Speaker: But.
• 13:55
  Speaker: Please be patient with me.
• 13:56
  Speaker: And guess what?
• 13:57
  Speaker: now I am way better at not over owning somebody else's emotional experience, and I'm way better at processing my own emotions.
• 14:05
  Speaker: Change is possible even if you've lived this way for a very long time.
• 14:10
  Speaker: Lasting peace doesn't come from constantly managing everybody else's emotional experience.
• 14:15
  Speaker: Lasting piece comes from learning how to regulate and manage your own emotions regardless of how other people are showing up.
• 14:22
  Speaker: And when you start to do that work, then something really amazing happens.
• 14:25
  Speaker: You stop feeling like you're walking on eggshells.
• 14:27
  Speaker: You stop feeling responsible for everybody else's mood, and you start showing up in relationships with a lot more confidence and authenticity.
• 14:36
  Speaker: So if today's conversation has resonated with you, if you're starting to realize that you have spent a lot of your life trying to manage everybody else's emotional experience, and if the idea of letting that go really creates a lot of emotions for you that you don't wanna deal with, I want you to know you were not alone.
• 14:50
  Speaker: Okay?
• 14:50
  Speaker: This is something I personally learned how to overcome, and it's something that I see all the time in my practice, and it is exactly the kind of work that I help people with.
• 14:58
  Speaker: So if you're ready to start learning how to regulate your own emotions, how to communicate your needs more clearly, and how to create healthier dynamics in your relationships, I would love to support you.
• 15:08
  Speaker: You can come and join my wait list by emailing me at maryann@maryannwalker.life or by going to my website, www.maryannwalker.life.
• 15:14
  Speaker: Let me know that you're interested and then you can be the first one to know when a spot opens up.
• 15:19
  Speaker: All right.
• 15:19
  Speaker: Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 15:21
  Speaker: Bye now.