Latest / The Living Loss | Navigating Invisible Grief & Identity / 16 | Living with the Hidden Grief of Miscarriage with Shruti Trivedi
Transcript
- Cassandra: Hello, friends. I am Cassandra Harris-Towner. And today I'm missing my dear friend and co-host, Daiana Bernard. As licensed mental health counselors, we're unpacking the quiet, complex griefs that don't come with a funeral because you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. Welcome to the Living Loss podcast. We're so glad you're joining our conversation as we name these losses and create a meaningful path forward together. Please subscribe and share this episode. It helps us grow this community and reach others who need to know that their grief is valid. Let's dive in. So as we all know, we talk about quiet losses on this show. And with our guest today, we're looking at living with the grief surrounding both pregnancy loss and baby loss. Today, I'd like to introduce you to our guest a little earlier than usual so that she can join me in this discussion. It is my pleasure to have Shruti Trivedi with me today. Shruti is a certified life and pregnancy loss coach and the founder of Tulsi Heals Life Coaching. She supports women after pregnancy and baby loss, helping them process grief, release guilt, and reconnect who they are beyond their pain. Drawing on her own story of loss and years in a demanding corporate career, Shruti brings both heart and practical tools to her clients so that they feel truly seen, heard, and supported in rebuilding life on their terms. Based in Herndon, Virginia, she is passionate about creating honest conversations around grief, healing, and self-compassion. Welcome, Shruti. Thank you so much for joining us today. Shruti Trivedi: Thank you so much, Cassandra, for the kind words of introduction. I'm truly honored to be here with you, chatting with you about this most passionate topic of Cassandra: I know that you have quite an amazing story to share with us today. So ⁓ the first thing that I do want to touch base is the idea of ambiguous loss. We talk about it pretty frequently. Yet in this scenario, it can describe loving someone who is never fully known or socially visible yet deeply bonded with you. Because love can exist without physical presence. ⁓ So when we're thinking about ambiguous loss, we're thinking about grief. I am curious as to where your story began, where it's led you to and how we got here. So if you wouldn't mind sharing a little bit of that with us, I'd really appreciate it. Shruti Trivedi: Sure. So I want to start off with I'm blessed with three beautiful children. However, I've also lost three babies and it's that chapter of my life that's been the most, the toughest for me to acknowledge, to address, to get help. So with my three babies that I lost, my first loss was after my first daughter was born. She was about one and a half years old. I was expecting again. It was not planned. was a bit scared at the same time excited again, being a mother. Motherhood was something I've always embraced. At nine weeks, that appointment just took a little longer. And it was back and forth. between the radiologist and the doctors and they mentioned there is no heartbeat. I really couldn't understand what that meant. Like, okay, maybe you couldn't measure the heartbeat or something. So I was just dismissing it at that time. I didn't really didn't stress about it. ⁓ In some time they said, we need to send you to the OBGYN and you need to just. take it from there. So we went to the OBGY and they took us to a, OBGY took me to a separate room and she said, Shruti, there is no heartbeat. That means it's, that means the baby is no more and you have to terminate this pregnancy. It was December 31st, 2011, was year's eve and we had actually plans for going. to our friend's place for New Year's and we were going to announce that we are pregnant that evening. I started rambling, ⁓ doctor you know what I ⁓ have to go back home, I have to pack my bags, we're going for a party. So ⁓ she to shake me up and say, Shruti there is no heartbeat, you have to terminate this pregnancy I was stunned. didn't know what happened. They gave me some pills, came back home, took the pill, went into labor and I passed on a red blob in the toilet that I had to flush. And the worst part was also my two year old, almost two year old watching me crying in pain and screaming while she was expecting. for cakes and goodies that I had told her in the morning that we are going for a New Year's party while my husband is holding her tight. My hands were shivering to just flush that and it ended and I didn't know what happened in my life. I didn't know how to grieve at that point to something that I never got to hold. And like the society also says, I was 27 at the time, so ⁓ it's OK. You're only 27. You can try again. You already have one kid, right? So you're blessed with one kid. Why not try again? I was blessed again in a few years. My little daughter was born. And then it kind of felt like, kind of move on kind of thing. I didn't even, I would be honest, I used to just ignore myself. There were such feelings creep up to me like, okay, I'm just stupid. I would just call myself stupid at that time. A few years later, back in 2017, I was expecting identical twin boys. And they had a few complications from the beginning, but we were. would have a complication and the following appointment they would be fine like you know because they were identical twins they were the ultrasound would sometimes act up so we were always like okay ⁓ we'll be fine and and one thing is also identical twin ⁓ twin boys i would say specifically it's something on my father's side it's be my grandfather was an identical twin ⁓ we have my father's cousin is an identical twin and we have of a tradition on my father's side of identical twins. So in my generation, when family got to know they were like, ⁓ you are going to take this tradition forward. So I was super excited that I'm going to take that. So at 18 weeks, they were diagnosed with TTTS, which is twin to twin transfusion syndrome. And that led me to do a laser surgery at Johns Hopkins. The surgery was successful. There was a slight membrane tear, but the surgeon was one of the best surgeons in the world. So I was very blessed to get him operate on me. He said it should be fine. There's a point. one percent chance that something could happen. And that's the category I fell into. Then in 19 weeks, my water broke. And yet again, I was told to terminate the pregnancy, that it was a risk on my own life. ⁓ I remember that conversation, the radiologist saying, no, you have to terminate or you're going to die. And I said, what are the chances again? And he said, like 0.0001 % chance and I said I'll take that chance and I came back home on full bed rest and I was making progress surprisingly. So I was like okay now you know this hurdle is over now my babies are going to make it. At 23 weeks it was my eldest daughter's seventh birthday that morning she came up to me and said mama you're on bed rest I just want you to enjoy so I'm going to decorate your room. and we're going to have cut my birthday cake over here. That afternoon, I developed a fever. I went into labor and I delivered my boys. ⁓ They lived for under two hours. It's what the doctor said, that their heart is beating. I got to hold them ⁓ all night on my chest right here. It was the most peaceful night yet the most heart-breaking night. ⁓ Where I was hearing some cries from other rooms, my room was full of silence. And again, I never talked about it. I just went quiet. I used to have my own breakdowns. I was, again, fortunate to have another baby boy the following year. And it was a nice way of convincing myself, the society telling me and myself, your two boys are back as one life. It is a very nice thing to say, which sounds very serene. At the same time, my pain was not lessening. I was getting busy as a mother, but I was still feeling a lot of pain inside. And that's what took me another five years to address, to finally get the help. And when I said yes to therapy, and that's where my transformation began. And that's one of the reasons why I'm speaking to you about my journey. because it took the longest time. took more than 11 years to address and allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. So that's my story. Cassandra: Thank you for that recap of something that I can't imagine is ⁓ easy to relive. One of the things I want to touch on is definitely how to support someone that's going through this, because this is truly one of the most sincere versions of disenfranchised grief that I could think of in this moment. It's that grief that isn't fully recognized or validated socially. You said that people just told you, stay strong, move on, you're young, all of these different things. It was early, you can try again. and I'm curious how that impacted you in those moments. How did you process that? What did you do with that? Shruti Trivedi: So, unfortunately, ⁓ most the people that say these things are your near and dear ones. So to feel frustrated, to feel so painful at the same time you know this person loves you a lot is... I cannot even describe that feeling. ⁓ It's very painful. It's painful ⁓ adding pain to whatever you're going through. ⁓ You want to tell them, can you please stop talking? Can you not say this? Can you just get out of here? I don't want to talk. And that's where I, over time, I kind of categorized these three different sets of people or categories of people, I would say. The first who would just come up to, as a supporter, you would come up and just give these long lectures or motivational videos ⁓ send those things a grieving mother doesn't need it. The second category is this move on time will heal be strong don't cry in front of kids you have to be that rock-solid mom kind of people who throw these one-liners and then this third category of people who go quiet because again they are scared to hurt so they don't speak a word they don't they do they just lose touch completely we just don't want to bother you with anything i would say a bereaved mother doesn't need either of these three i remember my sister sitting in my room not saying a word just sitting there with me she would sometimes just sit look here and there and leave and play with my kids i had another friend doing the same thing just come in sit for an hour i would be looking at the walls she would be looking at the walls and just leave and i don't know how what it was. I still don't know how to describe that but that was powerful. Just that quiet silence. knew there was somebody in the room. even having simple check-ins like I have some friends just saying if you ever want to talk I'm here simple so that helped me more than the these advices the that you already have three I know how I had been told at one point you already have three kids ⁓ care about the other three that hurt me so much They probably didn't mean those words, but it came out in that way. And they were like, you need to be grateful for what you have. People go through worse. I know this other person went through seven miscarriages and they don't even have kids. You at least have three. That doesn't lessen pain. And I realized grief cannot be compared like that. You cannot compare. Cassandra: Mm-hmm. Shruti Trivedi: my pain to somebody else's pain or my pain saying that somebody else only had one miscarriage so telling that person she had three and you had only one. No! Any kind of loss at any point is a loss and is painful. meet one day, one second, I truly believe the first second of conception is where life began. Cassandra: you also touched on the delayed grief that you felt ⁓ later on down the road you were finally able to start to process it. It like it took you close to, if my math was right, about 15 years before 11. My math was not right. ⁓ Roughly years to actually start to be willing to delve into this grief, the delayed grief or the emotional impact services months or even years later often when it's triggered. Shruti Trivedi: 11. Cassandra: So those bouts that you were feeling where you would just sit and cry sometimes, or you would struggle in doing daily tasks, it's not necessarily because you don't want to do those things, but avoidance, numbness, and intensity are all adaptive responses. They're not failures. but it was just you adapting to and processing your grief. So can you take us a little bit into what that was like for you dealing with that delayed grief? Shruti Trivedi: Yeah. So after my first loss, the only thing I used to primarily do is celebrate the due date. I used to have one piece of candy, but have these random times where I used to look at somebody who was born in spring or summer. my due date was July 28, 2012. So if I heard somebody was born in 2012, I would look at the child and say, my baby would be that big today or that old today. And I used to feel uncomfortable. I know I had a very near and dear friend whose child was born ⁓ in 2012. And I used to look at her and I'm like, I have my feelings so uncomfortable. And I had my middle daughter, she used to actually go to their place. like, why is that uncomfortable feeling still there within me? ⁓ Later on, realized that was just thinking, why can I not have that child as well? I should have my middle daughter who was born in 2014, but I should still have my other child at 22. So that was that took me a long time to realize. After my twins, like I said, two boys back as one life, two souls back as one life was a great way to kind of close that chapter is what people expect. But every year around the same day, it all started with the Memorial Day weekend through the end of June is when I delivered my babies. I used to get panic attacks. I used to get random breakdowns in between meetings where I'm doing a presentation to a director and I know I have another one, but I'm feeling this thing as if I'm going to vomit. I remember the specific meeting there. I felt like I was a host in a conference room presenting and I felt like I was going to throw up. And I'm like, what did I eat? I had regular breakfast and I could not understand. then I was like, okay, after this meeting, I know how I have another one, but I'll rush to the bathroom. And I rushed into the toilet and I just cried. And I'm like, what is happening? I had to throw up. I was full in that position to throw up in the toilet. And I cried and I couldn't understand. I was like, Shruti, are you crazy? What is going wrong with you? You have a presentation. You have to prep for this. So I came outside, I quickly put on some makeup. I kind of, and rushed back and escaped through it. And this continued to happen multiple times where I was sitting, doing something, working on a pending task. And suddenly there will be tears rolling down. And I'm like, what is happening? Why am I crying? And I would not understand. It took me a very long time to understand that these were maybe the signs of maybe heading into depression or something that I was only escaping through. Like randomly, when these feelings came, would always, bathroom was my place of rushing and just wiping everything off, not even letting myself cry. So those... were the emotions during that time and I escaped every single time. Never even talked to anybody, never told anyone that this is happening to me. I don't know what's happening to me. It was only then my company at that time back in 21, I got to know that my company was offering complementary therapy sessions ⁓ and eight complementary sessions. I was like, you know what, let me just give it a try. Let me talk to a therapist and see. And I was very negative with that. Like, I don't know what I'm going to tell the therapist. Like, I'll tell her, five years back, I had a loss. And then I was not even considering the earlier loss at that time. I'm like, five years ago, I had a loss. I don't know. I still feel uneasy. But I have three kids. I have a job. I have everything. And I still feel it. And what is the therapist going to really even tell me at that time? Like, she's going to say, you have everything. You just want to create problems in life. is what I thought she was going to say. On the contrary, she was shocked to realize that I had ignored my mental health for so long. And that's where the transformation began. Like, OK, I needed that validation from her at that point. Like, OK, so whatever this is, is normal, is OK, is valid. Because we keep talking about validation as part of medicine. Like, we don't need validation from others. You should. Cassandra: Mm-hmm. Shruti Trivedi: You should believe in yourself. But at that point in my life, I needed that validation from her that, yes, whatever you're feeling, every feeling is okay to feel. And that's what created this beautiful for me to then go into therapy do all those sessions we did comprehensive assessments, exercises. ⁓ And was like a lot. ⁓ hidden within me that I didn't even know that was stored inside of me that came out and I learned a healthy way of dealing with my own emotions. Cassandra: It's amazing how transformative it can be when someone just holds space for you and allows you to feel what you need to feel and express what you need to express and validate what you need to hear validated. Shruti Trivedi: Absolutely. That's so much needed because it's I'd say the society is just designed in a certain way that they just dismiss pregnancy loss as a loss. Grief is a broader term there. We are all going to experience grief at some point. We have experienced it. We're going to continue to experience it. And we all have our own end dates at some point. However, when it comes to pregnancy loss, in my experience, Cassandra: Mm-hmm. Shruti Trivedi: the baby not being considered as a human is the most painful part about it because it's only a week old. ⁓ It was only five weeks. ⁓ was the baby never developed a heartbeat. So, ⁓ you know, just dismissing it casually or it was a still birth. ⁓ So yeah, the baby never lived. But it was... human. The baby existed the first second, like I said, the life began at that moment. It needs to be respected that way. You cannot dismiss it. And that's the awareness that I want to bring that for mothers, that's the support we need to create that kind of an environment for women who have experienced loss. allow them to feel what feeling. ⁓ Don't ask them to just on. ⁓ The best phrase I've learned instead of moving on, you can move forward. So now I move forward with my six children. ⁓ And ⁓ it's up to individual they want to even introduce themselves. But I know some people do like. in my case, example I can give is I have six children, three in my arms and three in heaven. And that makes it really beautiful that I'm not leaving them behind. I'm moving forward with them. Cassandra: I don't want to assume that there's guilt and shame and self-blame narratives involved in this, but I would imagine that there would have to be because we take things so personally and we make things so much about ourselves and what we did. How do you help a grieving mother that's dealing with Shruti Trivedi: the guilt part. ⁓ I would say I know in one of my therapy sessions I had written I'd taken intentionally a red marker and written down I killed my babies and from there to me writing down in the next couple of sessions that I did everything to protect my babies was the transformation I experienced and so for me it just became a life mission to pass it forward. ⁓ that space. So ⁓ way I have created is I have created a framework, which I call is a three-ace framework. Acknowledge, allow, align, ⁓ work with this framework where acknowledging what you're feeling and not dismissing it. ⁓ and give it time, whatever feelings are coming through. ⁓ So the thing when you're feeling like when I was crying in between meetings, I used to just put on makeup and come out of it, but I used to not allow myself to feel it. That's where the next ⁓ step of the framework comes. If I like crying, I need to cry. need to allow myself to cry. And I think creating that is very important where you ⁓ let the person cry, do whatever is needed at that moment. And then align is more on the honoring side where you can cry, but then if you don't take that next step, then you don't know how to handle your emotions. So it could be as simple as journaling, or it could be ⁓ as simple as just even doing something to honor the babies, even taking their names, if you have not named the baby. Like I'm thinking, I'm actually thinking of about naming my earlier loss that I had at nine weeks because my boys were named my earlier loss. I didn't even know whether it was a boy or a girl. So how do you name a child? So those were so many different thoughts that came, but like, I will name something so that I can take that name. So I think a line falls more into that honoring space where you honor. Cassandra: Mm-hmm. Shruti Trivedi: You do something meaningful, even go looking at the pictures or ultrasound pictures if you don't have pictures. So that makes it so meaningful. The entire framework is something I have ⁓ created and I want to create that space for mothers like me who have ignored and are still probably there, have not even taken help. And I want to help those mothers ⁓ who have been told. to shove your feelings inside, not talk about it. It's a hush-hush thing. ⁓ You don't talk pregnancy loss. You don't talk about ⁓ mental health or therapy because that's again a huge taboo and stigma getting therapy. ⁓ Physical health is normal. can say, hey, Cassandra, ⁓ you know, I record today. I have a fever. ⁓ But when it to therapy, I would be hesitant to say. ⁓ Cassandra: Mm-hmm. Shruti Trivedi: You know what? Maybe I have a bank appointment and try to skip this. So I have done that personally when I was taking therapy initially so I know that feeling how hesitant and ⁓ Taboo I had like what are people going to think? What will people think question ⁓ is? ⁓ so Annoying I would say but we overthink about it by default So that's the space I'm creating for for women, for belief moms, you can come, allow yourself to feel everything and honor your babies. this is a space judgment free, unfiltered, where you can just allow to be yourself. And for me, my lived experience is what makes me more. relate maybe relate to the pain how another bereaved mother is feeling and so I feel blessed doing this work and for me I would say it gives me more meaning and purpose that even if I have one person it's impactful and honors my own pregnancy loss so it's huge for me it's meaningful work for me and I want to do this the rest of my life Cassandra: Thank you. Thank you for your service to these people who the world might pass by otherwise. To these women that have to live in silence and grieve in silence, thank you for what you're doing with them and for them. Shruti Trivedi: Thank you so much, Cassandra. Cassandra: Is there something specific that you want to make sure that's heard today? Because I have all sorts of other questions we can get into, but I want to make sure that if you have a specific message that you want to share, that you want to make sure that is heard out loud, louder than anything else, what would that be? Shruti Trivedi: Sure. So one of them is you have to move on and I'll just talk about it briefly. You don't have to move on from your babies to heal. You're allowed to carry love and grief together and still build a life that feels soft, honest and meaningful again. And also nothing is wrong with you when you're feeling really low, your grief is not the problem. So just be compassionate with yourself. Just be curious as well what is going on. Sometimes we are not curious like what's going on in our soul. ⁓ That's something I would like to leave and my favorite phrase I would like to close out with is self-care is not being selfish. So we always ask women, I think we wouldn't focus on self-care. And if we do something for ourselves, we'll take it to how selfish I am, but it's not. Self-love is extremely important to take care of others. The best example I give is ⁓ in an airplane, as part of the safety procedure, they say, Cassandra: Yeah. Shruti Trivedi: Put on your mask first before helping others. And that's the best example. It's very standard. You hear it every time you fly on a plane. But when you try to see a deep meaning out of it is you need to take care of yourself to be a better person for others. So take care of yourself. Cassandra: Thank you. Thank you for sharing those what we would consider living loss lessons with us. Because, the loss that you've lived with have brought you to the point where you can share those. They're tangible takeaways that people can use right now. And they're not about fixing a pain, but they're about finding a way to carry it. And so sometimes, like you did, you gave us tools to practice or reflecting on needing that. People have built from a loss that they've never asked for and this is also representative of the strength that you gained So something that I'd like to touch on for my own takeaway from this living loss lesson is that Grief reflects attachment not duration. There's no right timeline for healing and I feel like that's a very very important message for everyone to have because it can apply to so many different areas of loss and grief and feeling like I should be over this. I should be done with this, but it just keeps going. Shruti, I'd like to thank you today for being with us. ⁓ like to thank you to our listeners for being part of our circle. Just remember, friends, that by sharing this episode, you're helping us reach someone else who's carrying their loss in silence. Let's keep growing this community. Subscribe, follow, and share, and know that your story matters. Additionally, there's a ⁓ of ways to connect with Shruti, and all of those shall be listed below in our show notes. And just as a reminder, this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes. And while we are therapists, we're not your therapists. So this does not replace professional mental health care. If you feel like you'd like to speak to someone, please reach out to someone near you. And again, Shruti, thank you so, so much for being here with us today. Shruti Trivedi: Thank you so much, Cassandra, for inviting me. I am super blessed to share my story and just make this impact. It's, like I said, my life mission now. Cassandra: It sounds like you're taking amazing steps forward to touching as many people as you possibly can. Thank you. Shruti Trivedi: Thank you.