Transcript

Feffrey, Redux · onefjef

0:00
It's Feffrey from across the sea.
0:05
Loves candy canes and cheese sandwiches.
0:08
He's as British as tea.
0:10
It's Feffrey.
0:13
Smiles every day even though Christmas took his brother away.
0:19
It's Feffrey!
0:23
Hello everyone, it's Feffrey.
0:26
I'm guest hosting onefjef for the podcast this week because Jef is busy.
0:39
Busy.
0:41
And I don't know why he asked me to do this because I don't know what I'm doing.
0:46
And I can't play music.
0:48
He said I can't play music so I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
0:53
Because it's been a long time.
0:55
I've only ever hosted one podcast many times ago,
1:00
and I haven't.
1:01
I'm out of practice.
1:04
That's a new one.
1:05
That's Happy, right?
1:07
Hello, hello.
1:08
Okay.
1:09
Oh, he did say this was episode 35 of his podcast.
1:15
He said, make sure to tell them that it's episode 35 of the onefjef
1:24
35 sits in a quietly interesting spot.
1:27
Mathematically, it's a semi-prime combining two of the most symbol-heavy primes,
1:31
often linked to the human body and the sacred or cosmic.
1:34
Culturally, 35mm film became the standard format for cinema and photography,
1:39
shaping the way most of the 20th century literally looked.
1:42
Esoterically, 35 is sometimes read as a transition number,
1:46
where the discipline and disruption of 5 meets the mysticism and fate of 7,
1:50
marking a moment where personal will starts colliding with larger patterns you don't fully control.
1:55
Anyway, hello everyone, it's Feffrey.
1:59
Do you remember me?
2:01
From Christmas, it was many years ago.
2:05
Jef played it on this podcast for Christmas this year and people seem to love it.
2:12
So he's very busy packing for...
2:15
He's going to...
2:18
Where is he going?
2:19
He told me where he was going, but I forgot.
2:25
It's a...
2:26
Oh, it's the weather.
2:27
No, we'll do the weather later.
2:29
Jef called me.
2:30
He said, Feffrey.
2:33
Hello, Feffrey.
2:35
Are you eating a candy cane?
2:37
And I said, yes, of course I'm eating a candy cane.
2:40
Of course.
2:41
He said, well, take it out of your mouth.
2:44
Listen to this.
2:46
And he said, I am very busy because I am moving too.
2:52
Where does he say?
2:54
And he was moving and he said, Feffrey, I need your help.
2:59
I need you to do the podcast this week.
3:03
And I took the candy cane out of my mouth and I said, all right.
3:09
And then he hung up and he didn't tell me what to do.
3:12
He just said, do the podcast.
3:15
So I don't know.
3:19
It's been many years.
3:20
I've gotten older.
3:22
You've gotten older too.
3:24
And we've all...
3:25
Oh, there's still the sound effects though.
3:28
Look at...
3:30
Oh, there's a ship coming in everyone.
3:34
There's a ship.
3:35
Look out, look out.
3:37
I wonder what...
3:38
Is it bringing candy canes?
3:41
Nope.
3:41
There, there's a candy cane.
3:43
Remember the candy cane song everyone?
3:46
The one thing that hasn't changed about me, Feffrey,
3:50
is that I still love candy canes.
3:56
I love them so much.
3:59
They're the most delicious food in the world.
4:05
But I have found that as I get older, if I eat too many of them,
4:09
I can't sleep and I crap my pants sometimes.
4:13
Ring-a-ding-ding-dong!
4:16
I did tell you many years ago that me brother died
4:20
because he choked on a candy cane.
4:24
So people say to me, they say,
4:27
Feffrey, why do you like candy canes so much?
4:32
If the candy cane killed your brother.
4:35
And to be honest, I don't know.
4:39
I think they had me see a therapist, a man, a British man.
4:45
His name was Charlie.
4:47
And I called him Mr. Charlie.
4:50
And he said, maybe your candy cane liking is some psycho something about maybe I wanted to lick my brother or something.
5:07
I said, what are you talking about?
5:08
My brother didn't look like a candy cane.
5:11
He just ate one and then choked to death.
5:14
And he collapsed on the floor on Christmas Eve.
5:19
And there's blood coming out of his nose.
5:22
It was awful, but it's been a while, so it's not as awful.
5:27
I mean, I haven't thought about it for many years.
5:29
And now that I think about it again, I'm starting to get a little bit sad.
5:34
Ding-a-ding-ding-dong, every time I hear that song, I get happy again.
5:41
What else?
5:43
There's that one.
5:49
Oh, there's the sheep again.
5:51
Bubby.
5:52
Hello, Bubby.
5:53
How have you been?
5:54
Good, good, good.
5:56
Have you been sleeping?
5:57
Yes.
5:58
What, you eat hay?
6:00
What?
6:01
Yes?
6:02
Okay.
6:03
Oh, Bubby, that's not appropriate.
6:06
Hello, Bubby.
6:07
I'll talk to you after the show. I'll talk to you after the show. Yes.
6:11
Alright.
6:13
At this point in the podcast, I would normally play a song.
6:17
But Jef says there's no music allowed in a podcast.
6:21
Unless I sing it myself.
6:24
Not right now, though.
6:25
Well, what else am I going to...
6:28
Oh, children.
6:30
Do you like children?
6:32
I feel like Jef may have made a terrible mistake.
6:37
by asking me to host this,
6:39
but, you know, he seems to...
6:44
We never found out last time
6:47
who actually invented the candy cane, did we?
6:50
I don't think we did,
6:51
because I still don't know who invented it.
6:53
Let's just see if...
6:55
Call Ryan.
6:59
I bet he doesn't answer.
7:01
Nobody answers the phone anymore,
7:02
because people have become afraid of it.
7:06
But I think they're lovely.
7:09
Oh, he didn't answer.
7:11
Blimey, it's Feffrey.
7:13
We're trying to do the trivia game
7:15
and you're not answering the phone, you fly me.
7:18
That was unnecessary by me.
7:20
But let's see.
7:22
Let's try Colleen.
7:23
Haven't talked to her in many a year.
7:26
Here we go.
7:29
Okay, here we go, everyone.
7:32
And she's probably not going to answer, but it's...
7:39
Nope, not going to answer the freaking phone
7:43
God damn it
7:45
See, people are ruining the podcast
7:47
I'm trying my best
7:49
But it's not
7:51
Hello, hello, hello
7:54
Oh damn it
7:56
Well, we gave it a shot
7:57
Two people
7:58
And again, this is when we'd usually play a song
8:02
But, uh
8:03
Maybe I'll just sing a song now
8:07
Candy cane, candy cane
8:10
Killed my brother
8:12
Candy cane, candy cane
8:14
But not my mother
8:17
Candy cane, candy cane
8:20
You're my best friend
8:23
Candy cane, candy cane
8:26
It's time for this song to end
8:33
Ding dong
8:35
I think Jef's going to be mad at me.
8:39
I don't think he's going to be happy with this podcast.
8:42
I haven't listened to his podcast.
8:45
I tried to tell him, but he'd already hung up.
8:47
He's very busy getting ready to move to whatever.
8:52
I don't remember where he's going, but he's moving.
8:55
So he's got to pack up his candy canes and all of his belongings,
9:01
Put them in bags and then just, I guess, go in an airplane and fly.
9:08
Excuse me, I burped.
9:10
That's a candy cane burp. Tastes like Santa Claus.
9:14
Oh, do you children like candy canes?
9:18
Good, good, good. Children, look out for the big ship.
9:23
I need one of our children shrieking.
9:27
And the weather today.
9:29
It's been cold and cold and cold.
9:32
So cold you can't even believe it's still cold.
9:37
One day's cold, the next day's cold.
9:40
The day after that, still cold.
9:42
Every day is colder than the next day.
9:46
And we're all going to die.
9:49
Just like me brother did.
9:51
He choked on a candy cane.
9:53
He choked on a candy cane.
9:55
Going to take a sip of my tea.
9:58
candy cane flavoured tea
10:01
I bought it at the store
10:05
when Jef called me
10:08
asking me to do this
10:09
I said yes
10:11
but I hadn't really thought about it
10:13
I didn't think it through
10:14
you know I didn't think about the
10:17
what do they call the
10:19
ramifications
10:21
I don't know that it's going very well
10:24
I don't know what Jef had in mind
10:27
Like, what was he thinking?
10:29
What, what, what?
10:30
I don't know.
10:31
Did he want me to have a guest on?
10:33
I've just got, I got the sheep.
10:36
Where, where are they?
10:37
Nope, not there.
10:38
There they are.
10:38
I got Bubby the sheep.
10:40
That's all I got.
10:41
Bubby and his friends.
10:43
Put some cream on it, Bubby.
10:45
You'll get that.
10:48
I'm sorry, Jef.
10:49
I'm sorry.
10:50
I don't know how to do this.
10:52
And I don't know what you want.
10:53
because you hung up on me before I even have a chance to say anything else.
10:58
You're so busy.
10:59
You're so busy, Jef.
11:00
You're going to go to whatever it is.
11:02
You don't even care about what your podcast, I guess.
11:09
That's a good one.
11:13
I like that sound.
11:14
It's pleasing to my ears.
11:16
Do you like it too?
11:18
Oh, nope.
11:19
There it is.
11:20
This is for phone calls, but I don't...
11:22
Nobody answers the phone.
11:23
So what's am I supposed to do?
11:26
I can't call me dead brother.
11:28
Because he's dead.
11:30
And they don't have cell phones in dead.
11:34
But I do think they have candy canes.
11:37
I mean, there's still the one in his throat.
11:39
I don't think they took it out.
11:41
I think they just left it in there.
11:43
Actually, I told them to leave it in there
11:45
because I thought it'd be nice to have it in there
11:47
for the rest of his time.
11:49
You know, slowly melting.
11:51
Worms and bugs eating candy canes out of me dead brother's throat.
11:56
I don't know.
11:57
It sounds...
11:58
It's confusing for me emotionally.
12:02
I'm going to have another sip of tea.
12:06
I wish I could play a song because that really...
12:09
It helped fill the time.
12:10
But Jef says no, no, no songs unless you sing them.
12:14
So I guess I'll sing another song for you.
12:17
Here we go.
12:21
Oh, I like those candy canes.
12:24
Nope, that's not.
12:26
And I like the candy canes.
12:29
I like candy canes.
12:32
And I like those candy canes.
12:37
And a brother died from a candy cane.
12:41
That wasn't bad.
12:45
Is it getting better, this podcast, or is it just getting worse and worse?
12:50
Jef said one time, he said, you're so good.
12:53
And the one podcast that you could do your own one sometimes.
12:56
I think it's failing.
12:58
I think, and I can't call him because he won't answer the phone.
13:02
He never answers the phone when I call.
13:04
Nobody ever answers the phone when I call.
13:07
Because all I ever talk about is candy canes.
13:08
That's what they say.
13:09
We don't want to talk to you.
13:10
You just talk about candy canes and sandwiches, cheese sandwiches.
13:13
That's all you say.
13:14
Well, you know what?
13:15
It's good to have hobbies.
13:16
What do you talk about all the time?
13:18
You talk about, uh, uh, what?
13:23
At least I'm talking about something, you blimey people.
13:26
At least I'm answering my telephone.
13:28
At least I answered my phone for you.
13:30
If you called, all of you, I would answer the phone.
13:33
Try it right now.
13:34
I'll answer it.
13:35
We'll talk about candy canes.
13:38
Candy canes.
13:40
Sorry, just got a little bit snippy with you.
13:42
But I'm going to have a sip of tea and be right happy again.
13:46
Hold on.
13:49
There it is. Hello!
13:51
There we go. Everything's good now.
13:53
Isn't that right Bubby, best one? No? Nope.
13:57
There's Bubby.
14:00
You know it's actually Bubby's uh clone. The original Bubby died.
14:04
He didn't choke on a candy cane but uh they ate him. They carved him up for me.
14:10
I didn’t get any of it but he was chopped up, they cut his head off.
14:14
All the white fur got all red with the blood
14:18
spurting from his neck and then they just chopped it into little pieces and I
14:24
guess they put in stews or something so this is Bubby number two. Sounds just
14:31
like the first Bubby you know it's not doesn't bother me because it just sounds
14:36
I just wish they would give me a little taste of Bubby number one
14:41
because I you know I knew him quite well we had a nice little back and forth and
14:45
And Bubby number two, he's...
14:48
Yeah, I know.
14:49
You know.
14:51
Oh, they're going to...
14:52
Yeah, he just...
14:53
They're going to eat him, too.
14:54
And they would shave him.
14:57
Not like sexual shaving.
14:59
Just regular shaving for...
15:00
Like he's a sheep, you know.
15:02
Because that's...
15:03
It's not like they only shave the genitals.
15:05
They shave out the whole body.
15:07
Right?
15:07
They shave everything.
15:08
Is that right, Bubby?
15:10
Yeah.
15:10
He says that's right.
15:12
Do you like being shaved like that, Bubby?
15:15
You like it? You do? Okay.
15:17
That's good. That's good. Yeah.
15:19
Yeah. Yeah.
15:21
Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, goodness.
15:23
Yes. I love you, too. Yes.
15:25
Oh, Lord.
15:27
I don't know how Jef does it.
15:29
I don't think that
15:31
Jef's going to call me again
15:33
after this.
15:35
I don't know that he's even going to play this episode
15:37
on his podcast
15:40
because I don't
15:41
think it's very good,
15:43
as I have said.
15:44
It's good, Feffrey. You're having a great time.
15:48
No, I'm not, Feffrey.
15:50
Yes, you are, Feffrey. You're having the most fun you've had all week.
15:55
What about the candy cane I had two days ago?
15:58
Well, that was fun, but...
16:01
You're having the second most fun that you've had all week.
16:04
Well, I suppose that's true.
16:05
And what will you do after this then, Feffrey?
16:08
I will go back to me flat and I will sit...
16:13
And I'll just sit there.
16:16
And there's a picture of my dead brother there on the mantelpiece.
16:21
And then maybe reach into the giant bucket of candy canes.
16:26
But again, I'd want to be able to get some sleep tonight.
16:29
Because I haven't been sleeping.
16:31
Because I eat too many candy canes.
16:33
And then I wake up and I shit my pants.
16:38
That's how I know I've had too many candy canes.
16:40
when it comes out all undigested through my butthole.
16:45
But it's beautiful, actually,
16:47
because it's candy cane colored and it smells lovely.
16:50
One time I only ate candy canes for two weeks.
16:53
Two weeks after me brother died.
16:56
All I ate was candy canes.
16:58
And they said to me,
16:59
February, you've got to eat something else.
17:02
You've got to eat some real food, they said.
17:06
And I said, well, candy canes are real food.
17:09
What are you talking about? How is this not real food?
17:12
They said you need protein.
17:14
And I said I get everything I need from these candy canes
17:19
and you shut your stupid face up with your stupid other food.
17:27
But then after two weeks I had to go to the hospital because I collapsed.
17:32
and it turns out that I did need other kinds of things in my stomach
17:38
aside from candy canes.
17:40
You can't live on candy canes alone is what the doctor said to me.
17:46
Oh, he said there's a pigeon page, a Patreon.
17:50
Attention, attention, go to the Patreon page for the podcast
17:56
and do what you do on there.
17:58
I don't know what that's for.
18:01
I wish you could come here and somebody would be here talking to me.
18:05
That's why it's not fair.
18:06
Because Jef, he usually does it with other people.
18:10
This podcasting.
18:11
He calls up ringy ding ding dong.
18:15
Where's the...
18:16
Ringy ding ding dong.
18:18
Ringy ding ding dong.
18:19
I say, hello.
18:20
He says, hello, Feffrey.
18:22
It's Jef.
18:24
And I say, oh, hello, Jef.
18:25
How have you been?
18:26
It's been quite a while since we've spoken.
18:28
And he says, shut up, Feffrey.
18:30
I need you to do the podcast because I'm moving to another place, another place, moving somewhere.
18:38
He says, moving to there.
18:41
And I need you to do the podcast for me.
18:44
And I said, well, what am I supposed to do?
18:46
And he says, shut up for free.
18:48
Just do it.
18:49
Don't play any music.
18:51
And don't talk about your dead brother too much.
18:54
Well, I guess I didn't do that.
18:56
And I said, well, do I get to?
18:57
And then click, click.
19:00
that's the dial tone ringing down
19:03
and then that was it
19:05
and now here we are
19:06
at the end of frigging nightmare
19:09
worst podcast of all time
19:11
or maybe it's been the best
19:13
you be the decider
19:15
because it's not up to me
19:17
if it was up to me everybody would eat candy canes
19:19
all the time until everybody
19:21
was in the hospital
19:23
convulsing because they didn't eat the right
19:25
food because you can't eat candy
19:27
canes for every meal says
19:29
the doctor and all the people. Don't eat candy canes. Why'd you eat so many candy canes,
19:34
Feffrey? Why'd you eat them so many times? Because I like the way they taste. Doctor,
19:40
Mr. Chucky, Wucky, whatever, you're, therapy, you, you want to lick your brother, whatever.
19:46
No, I don't want to lick my brother. I just want to eat candy canes in peace. Leave me alone.
19:54
They gave me some pills at the clinic.
19:57
And so I have to take those two times a day.
19:59
And then I get very sleepy.
20:01
And I sleep for a few hours.
20:05
I wish I was better at podcasting.
20:08
I wish I could be as good as Jef is.
20:10
I wish he would teach me.
20:12
But what does he do?
20:13
He just says, shut up, Feffrey.
20:15
Just do the podcast and shut your stupid mouth.
20:17
And I said, well, how am I supposed to do the podcast with my mouth closed?
20:21
And he says, ha ha ha, very funny
20:24
You think you're so funny, Feffrey?
20:26
Well, it's funny on this
20:27
And then he hangs up the phone
20:29
But I love Jef, he's great
20:31
He's a great man
20:33
He's very good at podcasting
20:36
Is what they say
20:37
I haven't listened to it, so I don't know
20:40
But this is what people say
20:42
They say he's very good at it
20:45
But I thought I would come on to this podcast
20:47
And show him that I can do it
20:50
even though he's so mean to me but I didn't do it I failed just like my brother said that I would
20:58
before he took on the candy cane he said you know your problem Feffrey you're gonna be a failure
21:05
and then he took a big bite of the candy cane and he's and I said what do you mean and he says
21:13
and that was it that was the last thing he said to me I think he was gonna say
21:20
You're going to be great, Feffrey.
21:22
That's what I think he was going to say if he didn't choke on that candy cane.
21:28
Do people say, did you give him the candy cane?
21:30
Of course I gave him the candy cane.
21:31
Where else is he going to get a candy cane from except for from his brother who loved him?
21:36
I gave him the candy cane and then he choked on it and he died.
21:40
People weren't pleased with me for a while.
21:42
I wasn't pleased with me.
21:44
I don't know why they blame me for the actions of the candy cane.
21:48
But they said, you put the bullet in the gun, Feffrey.
21:51
You put it in.
21:53
And I said, well, what do you mean?
21:54
It's not a gun.
21:55
It's a candy cane.
21:56
And mommy said, it doesn't matter, Feffrey.
21:59
You killed your brother.
22:00
Go away now.
22:03
I said, all right, I'll go away.
22:04
But I didn't.
22:05
And then I saw her at the funeral, and I tried to give her a candy cane, but she didn't.
22:11
They don't eat candy canes.
22:12
They think that I have sickness because I still eat candy canes all the time.
22:16
They think there's something wrong with me.
22:19
And maybe there is, but I think there's something wrong with everyone a little bit, isn't there?
22:23
Raw's a little different.
22:24
Some people like candy canes.
22:26
Some people like cheese sandwiches.
22:28
Some people like yours truly, Feffrey loves both of them.
22:33
One time I thought, how can I combine my two favorite foods into one?
22:39
Could I make a cheese candy cane sandwich?
22:42
It took about 18 candy canes, full size.
22:46
I opened them up, unwrapped them.
22:48
It's very difficult to open a candy cane, but I opened up all those candy canes.
22:52
I put them in a big baggie, and I stumped on them on the ground.
22:55
Stumped on those candy canes, even though I love candy canes.
23:00
So I stumped on them, and then I made a cheese sandwich with the bread and the cheese, and the, you know, that's it.
23:06
And then I put the, it was a lot of crunched up candy canes.
23:10
I kind of put them all over the cheese, and they kept falling off.
23:14
So I put mayonnaise on top of that.
23:17
And the mayonnaise and the mustard I put on, it kind of kept it together in like a weird glob.
23:22
It looked interesting.
23:23
What I learned was that some foods don't necessarily need to be together.
23:29
And two of those foods are cheese and candy canes.
23:34
And I also learned that if I eat 18 candy canes, because I ate the whole sandwich, of course I did,
23:42
you're not going to sleep for a few days.
23:44
But they said that the sleeplessness isn't because of the candy canes in that case.
23:50
It was because I was manic or mayonnaise or episodes or something.
23:56
Anyway, everything's fine now and I shat all the sandwich out.
24:01
So, and I have a bidet so it wasn't that messy.
24:07
Candy canes.
24:10
I just wrote a little song there for you.
24:13
Well, I guess that's the podcast that I have done.
24:17
That's one of Jef's episode 35.
24:22
Jef said, stupid Feffrey, make sure you say episode 35, you stupid.
24:28
And don't be chomping on candy canes the whole show.
24:32
And I said, I'd never eat candy canes when I did the other podcasts.
24:36
Why would I eat them this time, Jef?
24:38
He said, because you're stupid and you can't help yourself, you stupid Feffrey.
24:42
He said, remember the time you made that sandwich and shit your pants, ended up in the hospital?
24:47
I said, yes, of course I remember that, Jef.
24:49
I appreciate you reminding me, though, because sometimes I forget things because the pills make my brain a little fuzzy.
24:57
Oh, I wish I could be a candy cane farmer.
24:59
If candy canes grew like crops, I would be a candy cane farmer.
25:05
I would grow them.
25:07
I would get some candy cane seeds and I would plant them.
25:11
And then I would grow the biggest candy canes anyone's ever seen.
25:20
People say, you've got to take those pills, Feffrey, because if you don't, you get a little scary sometimes.
25:28
And I said, what do you mean scary?
25:30
They said, just take the pills, Feffrey.
25:33
And I said, what do you mean to get scary?
25:36
What's scary about eating candy?
25:38
They said, Feffrey, we're not supposed to talk about what happens to you when you don't take the pills.
25:44
But just trust us.
25:46
You've got to take those pills, Feffrey.
25:49
You've got to take them every day.
25:52
So there's a little alarm.
25:56
There's an alarm that goes off twice a day and then I have to take the pills.
26:01
And if I don't take them, a man comes over and he takes a needle and he stabs it into my arm.
26:08
And then I fall asleep.
26:11
And when I wake up, I'm hungry for candy canes.
26:16
So, I hope this podcast was a good one for you.
26:20
And Jef, I'm sorry if it didn't work out as well as you were hoping,
26:25
But you didn't give me very clear instructions on what I was supposed to do.
26:31
And again, I think that if I could play music, it would be different.
26:36
And people answering phones, but you didn't let me do that.
26:40
So just, this is what it is.
26:44
All right.
26:45
Thank you, people, for your, hello, everything.
26:49
And for not, for you, you're like the noise people.
26:54
You're not the bad people.
26:56
Thank you for being the good people.
27:00
And it's just going to keep,
27:02
it's going to keep being cold forever.
27:04
Good night, everyone.
27:07
It's Feffrey!
27:09
Very good, Jeffrey.