Latest / RHYTHMS OF REST℠ Leadership Podcast / Episode 4: Looking Strong Won’t Make People Follow You (But Doing This Will)
Transcript
- Kent Murawski: You don't need balance, you need the right rhythms. Much like a heart where all four chambers work together, real success depends on four key rhythms working in harmony, relational, emotional, spiritual, and tangible rhythms. I'm your host Kent Morawski and welcome to the Rhythms of Rest Leadership Podcast, where we build the rhythms for sustainable success, the kind that won't cost you your soul. Before we dive in today, if you're achieving by every metric that matters, and you still feel like something's off, the rhythms of rest assessment will show you exactly where your rhythms are breaking down and where you are on the burnout scale. In less than five minutes, you'll have real clarity. Just go to KentMoroski.com forward slash rest assessment. Let's go. Well, recently a room full of entrepreneurs watched me cry and it turned out to be one of the most important business moments or moments in my recent life. So a few weeks ago, I traveled to Austin, Texas for a meetup with my mastermind group. Now, for those of you that don't know what that is, a mastermind group is just a small trusted circle of leaders and business owners who sharpen each other, know, iron on iron style. So a group of about 15 to 20 of us got to spend a whole afternoon in Austin, Texas with entrepreneur Ryan Leveque. He's a seven time ⁓ Inc. 5,000 CEO. His companies have grossed over a hundred million in revenue. And within the last few years, he sold his company to move his family to a farm in Vermont. ⁓ He's the kind of guy you don't waste his time with dumb questions. And so, ⁓ I was struggling to know what to ask him in this Q &A that was going to be both valuable for the group and valuable for me. And so I finally came up with this question and I thought I thought it was pretty slick. ⁓ What do you wish people would ask you that no one else is asking you? That's what I asked Ryan and he thought it was a good question too. But instead of dropping a pearl of wisdom, like I thought he might, Ryan turned the question back on me. And here's what he said. He said, I can't answer that. Um, but what's really can't so valuable to you really deep down inside that you want to ask me today. So it took me off guard a little, but I said, I think, and he immediately stopped me and cut me off and said, no, don't think answer from here. And he pointed to his heart. So at this point, hot tears start running down my face and I ask him this question. How do you take something that's so deep inside of you that's so valuable to you that that has changed your life and help people understand share that with people to help them understand that it can change or transform their life. Now, honestly, I don't remember exactly what Ryan said right at that moment, but I do remember that he responded with his own vulnerable, tear-filled story about a situation he was facing in his own life. ⁓ and I won't share the details of that cause it was a private Q and A, and I don't know if he shared that publicly, but the point really wasn't Ryan's answer. The point was what happened in the room when both he and I. really let people see us and really got vulnerable ⁓ in that room with other people present. Now that day, something cracked open in me and it started with Ryan's question, but why did I get so emotional in that moment? And I'm not afraid to cry, ⁓ you know, in front of people, but I don't cry that often in front of folks, but why did I get so emotional that day? think I think it was because at least in part that my life has been changed so deeply by these rhythms of rest that I share every week on this podcast. And sometimes I feel like I just don't know how to communicate it. The message in a way to help people understand the power of rest, ⁓ that acronym and how it can change your life. And I I've gone through so many hardships to get there. ⁓ you know, I've been through a nervous breakdown. When I was 27 years old, anxiety where I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin, ⁓ know, bouts of depression, you know, in that whole process over these last 20 years of formulating these rhythms of rest, I nearly lost my marriage and my family. You know, I've been through two different leadership experiences leading organizations of, you know, having hurts and leadership and wounds and me hurting others. with my inexperience, there's been so many lessons that I've learned and it all came rushing back to me in that moment. And I thought, if people could just get to know this, some of these things that would change their lives. But now I know. It's getting vulnerable about these stories about those things that I went through those lessons and those failures, you know, to get where I am now. That's actually what's going to help people get the message. So leaders, I want to ask you a question, not a question. I just want to say something to you. It's your vulnerability. It's your acknowledgement of failure. It's your deep humaneness. That's the game changer, not all the wins and successes. Now, sure that that will get you a platform. ⁓ But as Robert Kiyosaki once said, success is a poor teacher. We learn the most about ourselves when we fail and people are going to identify with your weakness and your failures more than they do your wins. So it turns out that that superpower of vulnerability was under my nose all along. It's where I began my leadership journey, but somewhere along the way I lost it. And it's not, it's not the next business strategy or the next quarterly sales report or your amazing leadership skills, though, undoubtedly you should grow those and pay attention to those. It's your vulnerability, your humility and your weakness. That's going to speak to people that you lead. I just want to let you know, I'm leaning into this deeply. and uncomfortably. It's it's messy. You've got to feel vulnerability in the pit of your stomach, your palms have to sweat a little when you're about to share something vulnerable. And, you know, some of you don't even know how to do this with your spouse. I won't generalize as much, but I'll just say as a man that can be difficult sometimes. And like me, instead of telling men instead of telling your wives like you need her. and you want to spend time with her or you want to open up to her about something, you sometimes end up taking it out on her. I know because I've been there before there's something vulnerable I want to share, but I'm scared. instead of, instead of just kind of getting vulnerable and say, I really need you right now. I want to talk to you or I want to spend time with you or something. need to tell you, you know, I take it out on her instead of, instead of just being vulnerable and sharing that you see when you When you do it though, there's a transformative power and vulnerability for both of you, for your family, for your friends, for your spouse, for those that you lead. And I just wanna encourage you today, stop fighting it and lean into it. Well, after that exchange with Ryan, ⁓ you know, Ryan, or after that particular exchange within the group, Ryan gave the group an exercise that hit me like a freight train. And here it was, he said something of this nature. Imagine yourself as a four to five year old child climbing up onto the table so that you're the taller, you know, you're finally taller than all the adults in the room and you're fully seen. What would you say or shout to your parents or whoever the most important people that would be at that table in your life? What would you say or shout to them as you're standing up on that table as a four or five year old child? Now my answer surprised me when I went through that exercise. My answer was this. It was see me, you know, to my mom and dad, I want you to see me. And You need a little context to where that was coming from growing up in my home was utter chaos. you know, yelling was the background soundtrack. My parents fighting me and my three sisters, constantly bickering. My mom overwhelmed with, with four crazy kids. My dad either passed out drunk in his chair or screaming at us most of the time. ⁓ you know, I remember one time in particular that, ⁓ Me and my dad were having an argument. He was on me about something. I was a, I think I was an early teenager and, ⁓ you know, I was so angry. I left the house screaming and we had a long driveway and I'm just walking up the driveway and he keeps chiding me as I walk up the driveway and egging me on. And so finally I turned around, I grab a rock from the driveway and I whip it at the house as hard as I can. And it just happens that it, breaks through one of the big picture windows. right in the front of the house and I walk away yelling F you. You know, that was what my house was like growing up. And my pattern was either retreating or anger. You know, that particular night I remember I went out into the woods and I lived in the country so I could do this and I built a little bonfire and I just sat by it in the darkness and one of my friends, it was up on a hill, but one of my friends lived close by and he saw it up there and ended up coming up. hanging out for a little bit. I don't know how he knew who it was, but he did. And maybe he saw me walking up there, but I would sometimes retreat to my room. I'd go to the woods. I'd go hang out with friends anywhere to get away from home. Right. And then I was acting out at school too. I was, I was a rebel. I was the class clown. I was not good. I w I wasn't taking crap from anybody, including teachers. I even got kicked off my basketball team, my junior year. It's a story for another time, but there's a comeback story in it too. But in all the chaos of my early life, I felt lost. And looking back, I didn't verbalize it at the time, but the unspoken question that was inside of me is, does anybody see me? Does anybody truly know who I am? That see me was a cry for validation, especially from my dad. I was longing for him to tell me I was a man. I was looking for him to validate me and say this. And so many men, think, were longing for this from their fathers and haven't gotten it. I was longing to hear this. You have what it takes, son. You have what it takes. Now, like many of you, that drivenness in my early leadership, it was really an attempt to compensate for my father's lack of approval. ⁓ or for some of you, might be compensating for not even having a father in your life. And here's the truth of it. You're chasing the ghost of a father's approval without even knowing it. So many driven leaders are chasing that ghost of their father's approval without even knowing about it. The belief underneath that I had for that drivenness too, was if I can just achieve enough outward success. people might finally see me. ⁓ He might see me, my dad might see me now. My dad has since passed away, we had reconciliation, not just towards the end of his life, but years before. And I think the relationship was the best, best it could be. But I was still looking for that in those early years of leadership. Can I prove I'm enough or if I prove if I do enough, if I have enough success, I'll prove to myself that I'm a success and then I don't need anyone's These are the narratives we sell it tell ourselves. So that belief though, it's toxic. nearly tanked my marriage, alienated my kids, and I almost lost myself in the process because I was seeking to define myself through accomplishment. And along the way, I didn't know who I'd become. Now, maybe your story, your version isn't see me if you're standing up on that. table when you're four or five years old, maybe it's I'm enough or maybe it's I matter or maybe it's stop fighting. I don't know what you would shout at that table. But almost every driven leader I've ever worked with has some version of this operating in the background. Here's a small child in you that's that's been shouting something or wanting to shout something for decades. And your ambition has been drowning out that voice. After Ryan left and the group was processing, I cried again. I know there was a lot, there's a lot of tears in this story. I was a mess again in front of the group. And, um, you know, I just basically related that, you know, Mike, the leader of the group had been telling me for years that, uh, you know, can't you need to lead with vulnerability, lead with vulnerability. And I always thought of myself as a vulnerable person, but I think something cracked open that day. And, ⁓ you know, I think I started as a vulnerable leader, sometimes even probably too, too vulnerable. And, and that can be the case too. I'll get into that in a minute. But over the years of leadership, I think my heart grew somewhat callous, whether it was wounds from, from the ministry world, you know, people doing things that were crazy or intentionally saying things to hurt you or those, those sorts of things. And part of it was maybe not fully reconciling my childhood. Some of it was maybe the pride and that comes along with age and proficiency at your craft. You know, there's just so many reasons that vulnerability can get buried, but it got buried for me. And so that day, as I mentioned, something cracked open and deep down in a place that I'd been protecting for years, I suddenly like very viscerally understood at a heart level, what it meant to lead with vulnerability. And part of the challenge I think for me is it's not even intentional. I'm just such a forward focused visionary person that sometimes it's actually hard for me to put myself back in that place where I'm going to be. vulnerable with others. It's hard for me to go back there. Sometimes I don't want to go back there. It doesn't feel good to go back there. And I just want to look forward and look to the next thing. ⁓ But there's also a difference between thinking you're vulnerable and actually being vulnerable. Okay. It's knowing the concept versus living it and many leaders confuse transparency, which is more along the lines of sharing curated safe stories right with vulnerability because vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure is how Brene Brown defines it. Your palms have to be a little sweaty before you share, they'll be a little sweaty before you share something vulnerable. You'll have a look, you'll have some stuff in your stomach, not just the nervousness that comes with sharing, but like, I don't know if I can share this, right? That's what it means to be vulnerable. It comes from a different place. And so early on in my leadership, I think I truly was vulnerable, but over time, for those reasons I just mentioned, I was sharing sanitized stories, you know, to look relatable, but I wasn't actually risking anything. ⁓ I would share things about my childhood or the struggles or challenges or the addictions that I'd overcome without really connecting to the story deeply without really going back there. And ⁓ yeah, that's just what happened over years. But here's why it's important to actually be vulnerable and not just transparent. Because the people that you're leading and communicating with and coaching and relating to or are in deep relationship with, they need to hear your story in a raw and visceral way. Now, there is an appropriate rawness, but they need to hear it in a raw and visceral way. Here's why this matters for leadership. When you share vulnerably as a leader, it makes people feel seen and heard and understood. It gives other people the courage they need to look foolish because you look foolish yourself. Leaders, are you afraid to look foolish sometimes? We're all afraid. We just want to save face. We want to look like we have it all together, but it's okay not to have it all together all the time. And there's a way to do that as a leader that also doesn't undermine confidence with your people. ⁓ it, many times it's just pride. It's just saving face so that we can keep up appearances. Being vulnerable reminds us that we can't do it on our own. Like John Dunn's line in that 1623 poem, no man is an island and tire to himself. When, when you're vulnerable as a leader, it gives everyone in the room permission to be real. Now here's what happens on the flip side when leaders aren't vulnerable and don't lead this way. Your relationships will stay shallow. The leadership stays transactional because there's no trust. People follow your, your title, but they don't follow you and you stay successful on the outside, but invisible on the inside. Now know what you're thinking. How can I be, because I thought the same thing many times as a leader, how vulnerable can I be when I'm leading people? Right. And yes, there are appropriate levels of vulnerability. for different situations. You don't always have to share the gritty details. Okay. And it's a big and you want this principle will save you and it'll help you know what to share. You only want to share from your scars, not your open wounds. Open wounds haven't, you know, open wounds that haven't healed. They really should only be shared with your inner circle. Those trusted people like your spouse, a couple of close friends, and maybe a a pastor, a counselor, or a coach, or, you know, that type of group. ⁓ know, Brene Brown shared about this in a 2021 podcast interview with Adam Grant. ⁓ You know, for example, she said, you know, as a boss, you can honestly share with your employees, what you're struggling with and the reason for it without going into all the gritty details. ⁓ And so one of the key things that she said in that podcast was, Just tell them the struggle, the reason, you don't have to elaborate and tell them what support looks like for you in this season. And so what that does is it provides an appropriate level of vulnerability for the situation. And it tells people how to support you through something difficult without revealing all the gritty details. Okay. Here's my declaration and my commitment going forward. Here's what cracked open me in me that day. and what I'm taking away with me. And I want to encourage you leaders, excuse me, to do the same. Kent, the heart communicator is taking the lead and Kent, the teacher will follow. Leaders, I want to encourage you today. Maybe it's time to stop leading only from your head and to start leading from your heart as well. So I, I want to encourage you to do that. Let the heart communicator take the lead and let the teacher or the, the, you know, visionary leader or whatever title you want to put on yourself. That's more of the proficiency skill mind. part, let that take a backseat for a while and see what happens in your leadership. Now, each week, at the end of this podcast, share, well, not at the end, sorry, each week I share from one or more of the four rhythms of rest relational, emotional, spiritual, and tangible. And this episode really lives at the intersection of two rhythms, both the emotional and the relational. So emotional rhythms, they're going to give you the courage to feel exposed, to sit with your discomfort instead of numbing it. That's emotional awareness, emotional intelligence, ⁓ you know, not pushing through it or just performing your way around it. The relational rhythms, on the other hand, those strong relationships are going to give you the people who make that exposure safe. that inner circle, those few trusted friends who can hold your vulnerability without flinching those people that aren't impressed with you and who will love you no matter what. You've got to have both if you're going to be vulnerable. You got to have, because emotional courage without relational safety, it's reckless. I've done that before too. I've shared vulnerable things in the wrong settings and it's backfired on me. ⁓ So there is that reality. ⁓ but also the relational connection without emotional honesty is shallow. Okay. And so we've leaders, we've got to learn how to do this better. ⁓ if you don't take the risk of being vulnerable, you stay hidden and many of you leaders, you feel hidden. You feel like maybe you don't, you don't have enough people or any people that truly know you that truly see you. ⁓ so I don't want you to stay hidden. I want you to feel that. that when you're when you're able to be vulnerable to people, your relationships are going to stay at surface level if you don't take the risk of being vulnerable. Your leadership is going to stay at performance based and the people around you will never be free to be real and vulnerable either. But when you lead with vulnerability, everything starts to shift. People are going to trust you more relationships deepen. You're going to stop having to feel like you need to perform your way through life. So here's the bottom line. Your emotional and relational rhythms determine whether people follow just your title, or whether they follow you as a person, whether they trust you. ⁓ This is exactly the kind of work that I'm hoping to do when I launch the Rhythms of Rest Accelerator. ⁓ Hopefully going to be happening soon. ⁓ But if you're interested in something like that, You can sign up for the waitlist for that rhythms of rest accelerator or beta group just by going to any of the links and the link in my bio on any of my, my YouTube channel or my social media channels, or just shoot me a note if you're on my email list. And I'm glad to send you the link for that waitlist. All right. Well, here's your rhythms check for this week. Each week we end with a rhythms check. a step you can take in the next 24 to 48 hours. And here it is. You ready? I want you to share one vulnerable thing with someone you trust, your spouse, your partner, a close friend, a mentor, a small group. Again, remember vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. You have to feel a little bit uncertain and uneasy. Your palms a little sweaty. before you share that thing. That's the level of the thing we're talking about. But in the next 24 to 48 hours, share one vulnerable thing with someone you trust. Okay. And here's the here's the reflection question for this week. What is one thing you've been afraid to say out loud? And who is the one person you trust enough to say it to? Here's what I want you to do. Once you decide who you're going to be vulnerable with and what you've been holding back, would you tell me about it? Would you leave me a YouTube comment below this video or DM me on, one of my social media channels, Instagram or LinkedIn is where I hang out most or shoot me an email. If you're on my email list. Now I'm not asking you to share the vulnerable thing itself with me, unless you want to, I'm asking you just to tell me, ⁓ that you're going to do it and who the person is and when you're going to have that conversation. It's just another level of accountability for that 24 to 48 hour action step. I read every single response and I'd love to cheer you on. Well, if this resonated with you, you're going to love my bi-weekly newsletter because every other week I send out honest and practical and vulnerable. They're not always vulnerable. Sometimes they're very practical, but they're going to probably be more vulnerable going forward insights to help you live and lead from an internal place of rest instead of overwhelming burnout. No fluff, just simple tools from my rhythms of rest framework that helps you form a deep philosophy of life and slow down without losing momentum. Just go to KentMoroski.com forward slash newsletter to sign up. It's totally free. And you'll also be the first to hear about exclusive offers and get bonus content. Well, until next time, this is Kent Morawski and this is the Rhythms of Rest Leadership Podcast. Have a great week.