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The Concept of Narcissist’s Hoovering · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified Life and Wellness Coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, just taking a quick second to say thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: As I mentioned on the previous episode, what I want to do over the next uh episode or two is to talk about some topics as they relate to the concept of narcissism or at least dealing with somebody who is narcissistic in one's life.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: This topic of narcissism and toxicity in relationships has been really common in a lot of the client conversations that I've been having recently.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: I have found that many high performers who are involved in toxic relationships tend to um worry about talking about it.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's almost as if they take it on as a failure of theirs.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so I just feel that the more that we can talk about the fact that toxicity in relationships does exist, we do not, we do not have to feel shame or guilt around it.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: And just really educating ourselves on how we can handle the situation really just puts us in a place of becoming generative rather than reactive.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: So today, the topic that I wanted to focus on was this concept of narcissist hoovering and just what it is and how we might be able to respond to it.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: So relationship with a narcissist usually feels like this constant walk amongst eggshells, right?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Constantly avoiding setting off what could be, as I referred to in the in the last episode of narcissistic rage, because what happens is narcissists have these exaggerated feelings of self-worth and that they will one, they have this complete lack of empathy for others, and also they're really worried about putting their needs first.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so as a result, the that needing to control the relationship, the manipulative behavior, the gaslighting that occurs in these narcissistic toxic relationships is can really set the partner who's on the receiving end of it to feel like they have to constantly walk on eggshells.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oftentimes, narcissists will need someone to blame for their problems and their their failures rather than looking inward.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I've spoken about this before, is you can have almost this double-edged sword where some days it's very ego-driven and very um self-absorbed, and then the next day it's very victim mentality.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: But even in the victim mentality, it's always that it's someone else's fault.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: So, what is hoovering?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's really what I wanted to talk about today, and how does it relate to narcissism?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: So, hoovering is the manipulation strategy that narcissists use to keep their victims in or suck them back into the toxic relationship.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: So narcissists use this type of, it's really a type of emotional abuse when they sense that maybe their quote unquote victim is seeking to leave the abuse cycle.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: So, in an attempt to test whether or not their victim can be pulled back into another cycle of abuse, and I'm not saying that this happens always consciously, but this is just the cycle itself, the narcissist may start to hoover.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: And they use this manipulation through lies and just the manipulation to convince the person to come back to this the dysfunctional relationship.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, narcissist hoovering really does and cause emotional and can also cause physical distress to the person on the receiving end.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because what happens is through the hoovering and maybe sucking up that that that positivity or the idea that everything is going to be better, and then to get hit with we're still back in the cycle, it's this emotional roller coaster.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: So why do they why do narcissists hoover in the per first place?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Well, most people involved with a narcissist will find themselves trapped in that cycle.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: And the relationship with the narcissist, it it when we think about it and really unpack it, it's that there's it's based on emotional dependency.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: So the narcissist needs the other person to feed their ego constantly.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: So the other person is there, that supply for them.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so if that supply seems like it's going to be gone, that the narcissist has to try to bring that that back in.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: So they will they will want to try to hoover and and pull that person back into the cycle with them.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: So they pull you back into the relationship.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: So for example, they may promise to change because that will give the person on the receiving end this hope that, oh, they've seen the light and now everything will be better.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Or conversely, they may try to um threaten to hurt themselves.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Again, that's be that's a way to pull that person back in because they know that that person is really empathetic or really cares and will feel like they have a sense of responsibility and will come back into the relationship.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: So nine signs of hoovering.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: One, love bombing.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: So they will do anything to manipulate you back into a relationship.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: They will bomb you with acts of adoration, attraction, and love.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: An example is sending you romantic messages or showering you with these flattering comments.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: A second sign of hoovering, dramatic declarations, that they will dramatically appear at your door and dramatically declare their sincere love for you.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Another sign of hoovering actually is making accusations.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: So they might actually make accusations to provoke you into feeling guilty and into feeling like you have to defend yourself.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that just sucks you back into the cycle because now you're back into the cycle of needing to engage with them.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Threatening to harm themselves, as I mentioned before.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: So when they're seeking attention and they're trying to draw you back in, they might try to threaten to harm themselves because, again, if they threaten something like self-harm, it can pull you back in because you knowing that you're the type of person that would care and to and want to help take care of them.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Another sign are the random texts or calls out of the blue.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: So they might try to contact you out of the blue, pretending nothing has happened, that everything is fine.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: So for example, maybe they there's been a break in the relationship, and then suddenly you get out of the blue a text about how they dreamt about you.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because they're just trying to manipulate you and hoover and bring you back into a conversation.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, spreading fake gossip is another way that they hoover, just trying to triangulate other people and to bring you back into the fold.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Making big promises so they might pledge to never repeat the past mistakes and that they've totally changed and they've seen the light.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, apologizing and telling you that they've changed.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Again, same concept where it's um kind of declaring that they they have they have definitely understood the past and they're willing to make the changes that they need to.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: And then another sign of hoovering is actually creating fake emergencies.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: So just sort of calling in the middle of the night or texting in the middle of the night over um an emergency that doesn't actually exist and asking for help.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Again, hoovering is all about trying to bring you back into the fold of the relationship.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do you respond to uh a narcissist's hoovering?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well the key is really having boundaries, boundaries for yourself and boundaries around what it is that you're going to engage in.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, also, maybe um really reaching out to your support system and the people that you trust.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: So telling you know, your own friends and family um about what what's happening so that they can help you hold your boundaries or boundaries um that you've set um in place.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Playing into it or getting stuck, um getting pulled back in just keeps the cycle going on.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: So it's just really important when you are dealing with a narcissist who is hoovering to just for your own self recognize it's a manipulation tactic.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: And it's a way that they are trying to hold on to the supply that they're getting from you.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: And just when as you can understand it, you're able to then equip yourself with ways and have ideas in your own mind about ways that you will either either how you will respond or that you will just choose not to respond when they send you the texts out of the blue, not re-engaging with them, for instance.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: If you are recovering from a toxic relationship or you find yourself needing support, um, just healing, really coming back into that relationship with self and understanding who you are, because oftentimes when engaged in a narcissistic dynamic, the victim ends up losing the sense of self.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of de-selfing happens.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're finding that you you would like to talk to somebody and would like support around that, by all means, feel free to reach out to me at any time at chatwithcomedy.com.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.