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When Can I Allow Myself to Buy Something Without Guilt? · Becoming Financially Confident

• 0:37
  You're beating a spending addiction and now you're afraid to buy groceries.
• 0:42
  That's not relapse, but your brain doesn't know the difference.
• 0:47
  So today we're going to talk about what happens when the cure becomes its own kind of prison.
• 0:51
  Stick around, because today's episode is going to hit a little differently.
• 1:04
  Hello and welcome to Financially Confident Christian.
• 1:07
  I'm Ralph Estep Jr.
• 1:09
  And I just want to thank you so much for joining me today.
• 1:12
  Today's episode is for anyone who's beat that spending addiction and can't figure out how to live, can't figure out how to spend, and can't figure out how to enjoy things without feeling like they're relapsing.
• 1:25
  Today we're going to talk about healing the shame addiction left behind.
• 1:29
  Because the truth is, shame is not wisdom, and keeping to confuse them is exhausting.
• 1:35
  If guilt hits you every time you spend, even on necessities, today's show is for you.
• 1:41
  And if you've got a question for this show, I would love to hear from you.
• 1:44
  You can reach me at financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question We'll put a link in the show notes, but again, that's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question Let's get right to today's listener question.
• 1:59
  Listener writes this hi, Ralph.
• 2:01
  I used to have a huge spending addiction that left me with a lot of debt.
• 2:06
  I paid almost all of it off, which I'm proud of.
• 2:09
  But now I'm stuck in a different trap.
• 2:12
  I'm a huge collector.
• 2:13
  I collect things from all kinds of different genres, but one of them is really expensive.
• 2:19
  When I left home and started making my own money, I went crazy because as a kid, I never got anything I wanted.
• 2:26
  So I started buying things, things I'd been hunting for years, dream items, things on lists I'd been making forever.
• 2:35
  Recently, I found something I've really been searching for for years.
• 2:39
  It's a set of rings for $150.
• 2:42
  Now, most people would think that's bonkers.
• 2:44
  The thing is, collecting genuinely makes me happy, but I feel guilty every single time.
• 2:51
  There's always a bill, always something more important.
• 2:55
  I never feel like I'm in a financial position where I can afford it, but somehow I always make it work.
• 3:01
  The worst part is that my brain panics when I try to buy things I need.
• 3:06
  The addiction left me in so much shame that I can't spend on anything without feeling devastated.
• 3:12
  Ralph how do I allow myself to enjoy my hobby without the guilt?
• 3:17
  At what point can I Finally get something without feeling like I'm failing.
• 3:21
  Thank you so much, Ralph.
• 3:24
  What a great question, and what an honest question.
• 3:27
  And I just want to congratulate you for overcoming that addiction.
• 3:31
  And today we're going to talk about how to break free of that guilt.
• 3:35
  Because so many people confuse guilt with wisdom.
• 3:38
  And when you do that, it keeps you trapped.
• 3:41
  Because guilt means shame, but wisdom means discernment.
• 3:46
  You need one, but not the other.
• 3:48
  So let's start with naming what actually happened and separating two recoveries.
• 3:53
  Because you've got two things going on here.
• 3:56
  That spending addiction that you had, it was real.
• 4:00
  You lived it and it hurt you.
• 4:03
  But overcoming it, that was also real.
• 4:05
  And the fact that you did that matters.
• 4:09
  You're no longer recovering from that addiction.
• 4:12
  You're recovering from the shame that it left behind.
• 4:15
  Those are two very different recoveries.
• 4:18
  And if you treat them the same, you're going to stay stuck in this cycle.
• 4:23
  That guilt you feel isn't wisdom.
• 4:25
  It's the echo of that addiction from the past.
• 4:29
  Your recovery isn't about replacing shame with more shame.
• 4:32
  It's about building something new.
• 4:36
  But let's talk about guilt versus wisdom and how to know the difference.
• 4:40
  Guilt says, never spend again.
• 4:43
  You're saying this in your letter today.
• 4:45
  Guilt saying every dollar is betrayal.
• 4:48
  Guilt's telling you you're always relapsing.
• 4:51
  That's what guilt does.
• 4:52
  It leads to shame.
• 4:54
  But wisdom says something completely different.
• 4:57
  Wisdom says, your bills are paid, your budget has room.
• 5:02
  I can buy this.
• 5:04
  If we let guilt talk, we panic about groceries.
• 5:09
  But if we use wisdom, it asks us the question, is this affordable?
• 5:14
  Guilt devastates us.
• 5:17
  Wisdom makes you feel intentional.
• 5:20
  And what you're feeling right now is guilt dressed up as responsibility.
• 5:25
  Just remember this wisdom, true wisdom, asks questions.
• 5:30
  Guilt just shames you.
• 5:32
  But how do you put this into practice?
• 5:35
  One of the things I think you should do is build some guardrails, not shame.
• 5:40
  And give yourself from permission.
• 5:43
  You're waiting for permission to enjoy your hobby.
• 5:45
  That's what you've asked me about today.
• 5:47
  Here's your permission.
• 5:49
  You're allowed to enjoy your hobby, enjoy things that bring you joy.
• 5:53
  What's the point in working if you don't buy collection items if you can afford them?
• 6:00
  If you want things you didn't get as a kid, that's fine.
• 6:03
  That's not relapsing.
• 6:05
  That's healing.
• 6:07
  But you can't use guilt because guilt is going to be a terrible guardrail for this.
• 6:11
  If you use guilt, it makes you feel bad every time you Spend something and it doesn't prevent anything.
• 6:18
  Real guardrails are these type of things.
• 6:21
  I'm going to encourage you to ask these three questions.
• 6:23
  Number one question, can I afford this?
• 6:27
  Have I paid my bills and do I have an emergency fund?
• 6:31
  If you've been hunting for that ring for years, you've already thought about it.
• 6:36
  The question isn't guilt.
• 6:37
  The question is, can I afford this and stay financially stable?
• 6:40
  You've already answered your own questions.
• 6:43
  Rules without shame are guardrails.
• 6:46
  Shame without rules is just punishment.
• 6:50
  But right now, you've got to really focus in this season of your life, of healing the shame.
• 6:55
  That's the real work you got to do here.
• 6:58
  That guilt isn't about the rings.
• 7:01
  It's about that kid who didn't get anything.
• 7:04
  And I feel for you.
• 7:06
  It's about that kid that learned wanting is bad and needing is weak.
• 7:12
  And now, as the adult, you're punishing yourself every time you want something.
• 7:17
  But that punishment isn't protecting you.
• 7:19
  It's keeping that wound open.
• 7:20
  It's reopening it.
• 7:23
  If you want to heal from this, it means allowing yourself to want things.
• 7:27
  It's okay to want things.
• 7:29
  It's allowing yourself to have things.
• 7:33
  It's okay to have things, and it's allowing yourself to enjoy things.
• 7:39
  It's okay to enjoy things, but do it without shame.
• 7:44
  Listen to me.
• 7:44
  You're not broken for wanting.
• 7:47
  You're human.
• 7:48
  As human beings, we want things.
• 7:51
  And you said something that broke my heart a little bit today.
• 7:55
  You said years of spending addiction makes it so hard not to feel guilty and devastated by myself when I buy anything.
• 8:04
  And I want you to hear this.
• 8:06
  God doesn't want you to live in shame.
• 8:09
  It's not about the addiction.
• 8:10
  It's not about the recovery.
• 8:12
  It's not about wanting things.
• 8:16
  What you're dealing with is conviction versus condemnation.
• 8:20
  And you got to know the difference.
• 8:22
  Conviction is healthy.
• 8:23
  Conviction says you spent money you didn't have.
• 8:27
  That's destructive.
• 8:28
  That's something you got to fix.
• 8:31
  But condemnation says you're bad, you're bad with money, you're always going to be bad with money.
• 8:37
  You don't deserve good things.
• 8:40
  You've been living in condemnation so long, it feels like wisdom, friend.
• 8:44
  It's not.
• 8:45
  God wants two things for you.
• 8:47
  God wants you to recover from the addiction, and he wants you to recover from the shame.
• 8:52
  That ring you've been hunting, if you can afford it, God's not angry with you for buying it.
• 8:57
  He wants you to have it.
• 8:58
  He wants you to enjoy it.
• 9:00
  And he wants you bigger than any of these things to stop punishing yourself for wanting.
• 9:07
  Listen, you already beat the addiction.
• 9:10
  Don't punish yourself into a different kind of prison.
• 9:14
  You beat it to learn to live well.
• 9:16
  And living well includes enjoying things.
• 9:20
  So here's your win for today.
• 9:22
  I want you to separate guilt from wisdom.
• 9:24
  I want you to write down three things that you want to buy.
• 9:27
  Pick three.
• 9:28
  And for each one, I want you to ask just one question.
• 9:32
  Is this financially sustainable?
• 9:34
  I don't want you to think guilty.
• 9:36
  I just want you to say, can I actually afford this?
• 9:40
  If the answer is yes, you got permission to do it.
• 9:44
  And if guilt shows up anyway, notice it.
• 9:46
  Don't obey that guilt, because guilt is a liar.
• 9:50
  Wisdom is a friend.
• 9:52
  You just have to learn to tell the difference.
• 9:54
  Well, now let's get into our Bible verse for today.
• 9:56
  It comes to us from the book of Romans, chapter 8, verse 1.
• 10:00
  It says, Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
• 10:07
  Friend, you've been living under condemnation for such a long time.
• 10:12
  It's not bad for wanting.
• 10:13
  It's not relapsing when you're spending money.
• 10:16
  And yes, you do deserve good things.
• 10:19
  Remember what Paul says.
• 10:20
  Condemnation is not from God.
• 10:23
  It's from that shame that the addiction left.
• 10:27
  Recovery and freedom from shame are not contradictory things.
• 10:32
  Freedom from guilt does not equal freedom to be reckless.
• 10:37
  Freedom is being able to make wise choices without the voice saying you're failing.
• 10:42
  And that's the promise that that scripture brings us.
• 10:45
  How about we pray together right now?
• 10:47
  Heavenly Father, I'm praying for someone who beat an addiction and now can't figure out how to live.
• 10:55
  Lord, I just want to tell you that we're so grateful you helped them pay off their debt.
• 10:59
  They overcame the compulsion, but they're still trapped by shame.
• 11:04
  So, Lord, I just ask right now that you would help separate their guilt from their wisdom.
• 11:09
  Help them to see that enjoying things isn't relapsing or going backwards.
• 11:13
  Lord, help them to heal from that deprivation.
• 11:17
  They don't have to live in that deprivation forever and heal the part that they learned that wanting was bad.
• 11:24
  Teach them that wanting is human, having is okay, and enjoying is allowed.
• 11:31
  And, Lord, give them courage to buy that ring or that thing that they really want or experiences that bring them joy, not recklessly, but freely.
• 11:40
  Lord, help them to break that final shame of that addiction.
• 11:43
  We ask this in Jesus name.
• 11:45
  Amen, friend.
• 11:48
  Recovery and joy.
• 11:50
  You get both.
• 11:52
  You don't have to choose one or the other.
• 11:54
  Remember, guilt doesn't equal wisdom.
• 11:57
  Guilt just means you live in shame.
• 12:00
  Wisdom is having that discernment.
• 12:02
  It's that.
• 12:02
  It's your brain asking the right question.
• 12:07
  Brain panicking about groceries.
• 12:09
  Shame is not wisdom.
• 12:11
  Build those guardrails today.
• 12:13
  Ask yourself the simple questions, Can I afford it?
• 12:16
  Are my bills paid?
• 12:17
  Do I have that emergency fund?
• 12:20
  Enjoy that collection you talked about.
• 12:21
  If you can afford it, that's not relapsing.
• 12:24
  Heal from that addiction.
• 12:26
  Learn to spend wisely, not never spend again.
• 12:30
  Heal that you can do this.
• 12:33
  And if you've got a question for the show, I would love to hear your question.
• 12:36
  You can go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question We'll put a link in the show notes, but again, that's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question thank you so much for joining me today.
• 12:49
  I want to encourage you to stay financially savvy.
• 12:52
  May God bless you and you have a great day.
• 13:12
  We rise sa.