Latest / Just Heal with Dr Jay / You Can Love God and Still Have Doubts with Sara Conner

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You Can Love God and Still Have Doubts with Sara Conner · Just Heal with Dr Jay

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to jess Here with Doctor J, a production of
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  Speaker 1: The Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Welcome back to
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: another episode of Just Here with Doctor J. I am
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  Speaker 1: your host, Doctor J Barnett. Listen. Today has been a
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  Speaker 1: Powell packed day. We started off with doctor Johnson, then
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  Speaker 1: we have my good brother Ken Jones, and now we're
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  Speaker 1: sitting down with Sarah Connors. Most of you probably know
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  Speaker 1: that name from terminator me, but that's not the Sarah
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  Speaker 1: that we have today. We got a pastor or dame minister,
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  Speaker 1: Miss Sarah Connors. Listen, powerful testimony. I like to talk
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  Speaker 1: about different things and have different guests because Miss Sarah,
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  Speaker 1: life be lifing and sometimes we don't get the full
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  Speaker 1: scope of people who live ministry, do ministry and people
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  Speaker 1: who I say they are ministry. Yes, that's what we're
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  Speaker 1: gonna talk about today. So welcome to the healing community,
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  Speaker 1: Miss Sarah Connor's. So, Miss Sarah, how are you doing today?
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  Speaker 2: Better than ever? Living my best life?
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  Speaker 1: Yes, living your best life declaration? Yeah. Now when you
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  Speaker 1: say living your best life this night? Now, my mom
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  Speaker 1: has a thing I call him Mama. You're doing baby,
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  Speaker 1: I'm blessing how they favor Yeah? Now the clinical side
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  Speaker 1: of media therapist is saying are you spiritual bypassing?
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  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, Well it depends when you in the spiritu world.
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  Speaker 2: You have two things going on. When you're in ministry
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  Speaker 2: and you're a faith person, right, you have the reality
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  Speaker 2: of what you're going through and you have the fact
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  Speaker 2: that affirmations and declarations help you to go too. So
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  Speaker 2: what you're going through and where you're going to are
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  Speaker 2: not always the same. So when I say I'm living
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  Speaker 2: my best life, there's aspects of your life that you're
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  Speaker 2: living your best life, and there's other aspects that that
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  Speaker 2: world has to breathe life into.
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  Speaker 1: M hmm, man, you're coming out the case. So Ms Connors,
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  Speaker 1: you know, you have a very interesting, interesting story, Like
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  Speaker 1: people message me all the time, you know dot can
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  Speaker 1: I be on your podcast? I feel like I have
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  Speaker 1: a story. Your story I felt not only resonated with
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  Speaker 1: a lot of the women that I've counseled and provided
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  Speaker 1: therapy for, but your story is one of those stories
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  Speaker 1: that I often hear women saying I want to hear
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  Speaker 1: from a woman who's actually overcome. And you have been
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  Speaker 1: very open about leaving a twenty seven year marriage in
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  Speaker 1: ministry and then having to navigate divorce, navigate life after
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  Speaker 1: divorce in ministry, what led you to being open about
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  Speaker 1: what you experience in the marriage, Well, not necessarily what
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  Speaker 1: you experienced, but what led to you being open about,
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  Speaker 1: you know what, I'm divorced after ministry because for so
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  Speaker 1: many women there's a lot a shame that is attached
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  Speaker 1: to you know, to them and when they divorce after
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  Speaker 1: being in ministry.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's one of the things that was
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  Speaker 2: advantageous to me was not growing up actually in ministry
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  Speaker 2: or in the church. I grew up in a Rastafarian
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  Speaker 2: home and so not having the expectations and politics of
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  Speaker 2: church when I came in. As much as I enjoyed
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  Speaker 2: my relationship with Christ, it was very different from all
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  Speaker 2: the other gods I was exposed to. And my mother
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  Speaker 2: being Chinese Jamaican and we're doing Chinese mythology. I go
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  Speaker 2: to a Jewish private school, and then my dad is Rastafarian,
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  Speaker 2: so I have multiple different gods that I'm exposed to. Wow, right,
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  Speaker 2: and being from Jamaica having the most churches per square
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  Speaker 2: mile than any other country no world in the Guinness
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  Speaker 2: Book of World Records. I had never been to church
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  Speaker 2: so I don't have that wiring that I'm preconditioned to
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  Speaker 2: just accept what is given to me. So, having been
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  Speaker 2: in there and wanting to please God, I've found that
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  Speaker 2: there's conflicts within myself the things I feel that God
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  Speaker 2: wants me to do, and yet there's messaging I'm hearing
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  Speaker 2: that keeps me small. I hear God say, you know,
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  Speaker 2: we have dominion, and yet if I walk in that dominion,
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  Speaker 2: it's taken as domination. So for women in ministry, or
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  Speaker 2: brilliance gets checked at the garage door when we are
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  Speaker 2: coming in to be our spouse. We no longer can
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  Speaker 2: be the brilliant VP we were at the bank. We're
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  Speaker 2: by vocational and many times the spouses that we have
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  Speaker 2: may operate on the income that the wife is bringing in,
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  Speaker 2: especially in a new ministry situation. So a lot of
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  Speaker 2: times there are things that happen for a first lady,
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  Speaker 2: a woman in ministry, somebody who wants to lean in
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  Speaker 2: limelight that we're always bucking against or trying to find
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  Speaker 2: or place in it. So I figured there are many
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  Speaker 2: more people like me, but we don't talk about it
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  Speaker 2: because there is so much embarrassment, so much shame, so
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  Speaker 2: much judgment, criticism. I mean, you become the table talk.
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  Speaker 2: You know, you become the they assume everything. And many
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  Speaker 2: times for us as women, we do stay more silent
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  Speaker 2: because we are protecting more than ourselves. We may protect
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  Speaker 2: our friends, we may protect our parents, we may protect
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  Speaker 2: our spouses or children. You know, we're twice as likely
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  Speaker 2: than men to do that in terms of being protective.
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  Speaker 2: So we are more silent. And we've been trained to
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  Speaker 2: be silent. We've been trained at sugar and spice and
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  Speaker 2: all things nice. That's what little girls are made of.
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  Speaker 2: We've been trained to be demure and quiet, fit in,
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  Speaker 2: know your place. Boys can be rambunctious and do all
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  Speaker 2: of that, but girls no drawback. So when we come
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  Speaker 2: into a ministry space, even more so, because no, we're
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  Speaker 2: to be of a meek and quiet spirit and win
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  Speaker 2: them over. By you, there's so much responsibility on us,
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  Speaker 2: it is unbelievable that we stay silent. So when we leave,
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  Speaker 2: we leave quietly, and we try to rebuild in silence,
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  Speaker 2: and we have to find brand new communities because WO
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  Speaker 2: unto us that we had the courage to go and leave,
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  Speaker 2: and so I decided that many of us have. We
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  Speaker 2: don't have somebody to talk to about that. Especially in ministry,
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  Speaker 2: your friends leave you instantaneously, overnight. You get abandoned in
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  Speaker 2: ways that you could never calculate. And if you don't
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  Speaker 2: know that you don't abandon yourself and that God actually
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  Speaker 2: is with you regardless, you would lose your mind. Especially
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  Speaker 2: in ministry. It is not the same.
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  Speaker 1: Listen as you're talking. I see my mother because when
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  Speaker 1: my parents divorced, my mother was an evangelist. And I
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  Speaker 1: often say this, like my mom was so powerful. People
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  Speaker 1: look at me and like like, oh, well, see where
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  Speaker 1: you get it from. But my mother was the one
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  Speaker 1: that I mean. I can remember vividly my mom preaching
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  Speaker 1: and just tearing the house down, and then I can
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  Speaker 1: also remember my father trying to sort of minimize that.
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  Speaker 1: Because my mom was Pentecostal and my dad was Baptist.
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  Speaker 1: My mom had this radical sort of faith, and she
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  Speaker 1: had this radical belief, and my mom allowed God to
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  Speaker 1: flow where my father quenched the spirit. I can, I can.
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  Speaker 1: I can see myself sitting in the crowd right now.
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  Speaker 1: My mama said, Jimmy, you need to stop quenching the spirit.
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  Speaker 1: Let God have his way. Stopped trying to control the
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  Speaker 1: flow because my father cared about what people thought in ministry.
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  Speaker 1: My mother didn't. And so when they divorced, what you're
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  Speaker 1: saying is true. My mother was ridiculed. She was the
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  Speaker 1: topic of conversation. She was in so many ways exiled.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, you know, as.
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  Speaker 1: If she wasn't worthy anymore. And let me tell you
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  Speaker 1: some Sarah, this is the thing that really just really
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  Speaker 1: bothers me. I saw my mom shrink, yes, and never
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  Speaker 1: to be who she was.
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  Speaker 2: That's a real thing when I tell you, that's a
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  Speaker 2: real thing, because you just say, forget it. If my
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  Speaker 2: relationship with God was not a personal relationship, it was
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  Speaker 2: a broupe one out of quit because I told him,
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  Speaker 2: you can pick somebody else. There's so many other people
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  Speaker 2: in this world that want to do this for you.
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  Speaker 2: I don't because the systematic way in which, ignorantly or
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  Speaker 2: knowingly that women are disenfranchised in a faith environment is unreal.
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  Speaker 2: And it's very disruptive to say things like that because
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  Speaker 2: I am an advocate for the body of Christ, and
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  Speaker 2: I am an advocate for scripture, but I am an
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  Speaker 2: advocate for the actual truth. And when women do that,
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  Speaker 2: it's easier for men to go and get remarried two, three, four, five,
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  Speaker 2: so many times. But woe be on to a woman,
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  Speaker 2: woe beyond to a woman. She needs to now become
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  Speaker 2: a nun and prove propriety before Christ, you know, and
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  Speaker 2: the people. And what ends up happening to us is
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  Speaker 2: because of this conditioning that we don't know that we
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  Speaker 2: were being conditioned, the fire that we had in us,
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  Speaker 2: that you were talking about, this blazing fire, it becomes
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  Speaker 2: we begin to try, we become we begin to abuse,
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  Speaker 2: to abuse our own selves. Wow, we become our abuses
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  Speaker 2: because we've been so conditioned by the abuses of the
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  Speaker 2: system that when we leave it, we're used to the
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  Speaker 2: routines of it. We're used to the rhythms of it.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes we don't even grieve the relationship. We grieve the routines.
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  Speaker 2: It's not that we miss the person. We just automatically
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  Speaker 2: start driving back to our houses that no longer exist.
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  Speaker 2: And that's the crash.
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  Speaker 1: Ooh, good God almighty, And that I found.
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  Speaker 2: From that, I did exactly that. I stepped back. I said,
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  Speaker 2: let me find another way, let me just I can't
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  Speaker 2: be bothered. I mean, I've made a post about being
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  Speaker 2: divorced as a Christian woman. I got about maybe eleven
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  Speaker 2: hundred or so comments sending me to hell. I'm the
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  Speaker 2: spawn of Satan, I'm Jezebel. I should have fought for it.
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  Speaker 2: No matter what. There's no reason for me. It's so biased.
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  Speaker 2: And yet there's so much scripture and evidence of God's
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  Speaker 2: support for daughters and sons. It's not one over the other.
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  Speaker 2: His spirit is in both of us. He can't can't
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  Speaker 2: just love us less because his spirit is no less.
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  Speaker 2: And I find out we just don't study scripture A
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  Speaker 2: lot of times. We wiel scripture sometimes to manipulate, and
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  Speaker 2: we train women to ask for permission instead of wisdom
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  Speaker 2: and support.
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  Speaker 1: Oh oh, mister, you know.
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  Speaker 2: Like we're always asking can I and I go to
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  Speaker 2: the store? Are you okay with me writing this book?
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  Speaker 2: I want to take a new job. I want is
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  Speaker 2: it okay? Where do we have the money to do it?
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  Speaker 2: I'm not a pet, I'm a person. I'm not a project.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not a kid. So many women are doing that again, brilliant.
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  Speaker 2: And then we'll come and say can I can I
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  Speaker 2: can I and ask for permission versus, Hey, I'm going
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  Speaker 2: back to school, how can we get this done? I
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  Speaker 2: need your support. What wisdom can you give me? So
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  Speaker 2: we're still we're still in relationship. We don't have to
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  Speaker 2: destroy the relationship. But when I come and ask you
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  Speaker 2: for permission, I give you a place that you're not
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  Speaker 2: supposed to have. You're not my parents, You're not my father.
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  Speaker 2: And so now the dichotomy of the relationship becomes a
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  Speaker 2: problem because I know I'm a person and I'm fighting
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  Speaker 2: being a kid. I'm fighting for what is rightfully my
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  Speaker 2: calling because when I came out the wound, I did
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  Speaker 2: not come out with anybody but myself. I'm a calling.
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  Speaker 2: My calling existed before my marriage. My calling existed before
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  Speaker 2: I was a daughter or a friend or a sister
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  Speaker 2: before that. And yet we we take this calling and
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  Speaker 2: maneuver it into fitting into someone that's calling to get
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  Speaker 2: their approval and a praise and applause of others, because
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  Speaker 2: we're trained to not be rejected, and we're afraid of
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  Speaker 2: that rejection and that abandonment, and so we compromise ourselves
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  Speaker 2: in so many ways, and we make excuses and justifications,
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  Speaker 2: and we'd say one day I'm going to do it,
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  Speaker 2: and you know what happens to us, Dante Jay, I'm
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  Speaker 2: telling you because I'm on the other side of fifteen.
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  Speaker 2: Let me tell you what happened on the other side
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  Speaker 2: where we get the energy. Now we justify ourselves. Where
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  Speaker 2: I've spent the last ten years, fifteen years, twenty years
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  Speaker 2: getting you through medical school, getting you through you know,
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  Speaker 2: dentistry school. No, it's my turn. But then guess what happened? Grandchildren, menopause. Heck,
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  Speaker 2: we don't have the energy anymore. And now we just
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  Speaker 2: go and we hate ourselves. The biggest act of self
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  Speaker 2: betrayal is staying in a space that suffocates your calling
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  Speaker 2: and denies you the freedom to walk in the dominion
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  Speaker 2: that you already call to.
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  Speaker 1: Card tear moment. Listen as you're talking. I had my
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  Speaker 1: mother and I think you talk to me about this.
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  Speaker 1: I cannot tell you how many women DM me and said,
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  Speaker 1: tell your mom, thank you. When I listened to you.
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  Speaker 1: My mother was. My mother was probably one of the
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  Speaker 1: best dressing women I've ever seen in my life. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: she was laid every Sunday. I mean, my mother was.
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  Speaker 1: She could have been a stylist. Because see the reason
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  Speaker 1: I have such very memory because my parents got divorced
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  Speaker 1: when I was thirteen. My mother was forty ooh okay
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  Speaker 1: and at a prime in her life. And I watched
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  Speaker 1: my mother put herself on the back seat. And one
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  Speaker 1: day I asked her, I said, Mama, what did you
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  Speaker 1: want out of life? And she said, baby, I don't
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  Speaker 1: know because I was trying to support your dad and
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  Speaker 1: make sure that I was there for y'allah. And when
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  Speaker 1: I begin to think about it, Miss Sarah, I begin
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  Speaker 1: to think because when she when she was on the podcast,
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  Speaker 1: she says, I'm sixty seven and I'm having to learn
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  Speaker 1: myself all over again. Yeah, and I'm just thinking about
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  Speaker 1: the number of women.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, we don't want them to get to wait to
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  Speaker 2: where we are.
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  Speaker 1: Truly that that that you know, they have more days
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  Speaker 1: behind them than they do ahead of them. And so
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  Speaker 1: now it's it's like what you're saying, it's like, Okay,
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  Speaker 1: who do I become now? Because that window of becoming
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  Speaker 1: it closes. And then's not saying that you can't correct,
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  Speaker 1: but that energy right, yes, and so and trying and
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  Speaker 1: I think, you know, it's why I have her come
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  Speaker 1: around now so she can be empowered and can feel
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  Speaker 1: like she still can because I can't imagine having to
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  Speaker 1: sit back and you like reflecting and you're looking back
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  Speaker 1: on your life and you're like, because you can undo
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  Speaker 1: what was done, But then the brain has an interesting
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  Speaker 1: way of flashing the pictures of what was and you're
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  Speaker 1: battling with what could.
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  Speaker 2: Have been correct. Yeah, I think one of the things.
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  Speaker 2: And if I can draw on your paper, can I
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: use your paper? Sing that? We've just been so natural
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  Speaker 2: and real on this podcast. So if a person does
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: a grid like this, okay, and I'm sure you all
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: can make a better one than this, but I'm going
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: to show you something that kind of gave me a
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: rude awakening and goes to your point of this. So,
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  Speaker 2: the average age of pro when a person dies is
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  Speaker 2: seventy three. That's the average age. Okay, So if I
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: have a grid like this, this is age zero to ten,
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  Speaker 2: eleven to twenty, twenty one to thirty and so on.
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  Speaker 2: So in my life right now, I am at fifty.
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  Speaker 2: I'm fifty two, so I'm here in this box. That
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  Speaker 2: means all of this is gone. When you draw your
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: life out like this, all of this time is gone.
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  Speaker 1: For me.
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  Speaker 2: No, I have to be realistic as well as much
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  Speaker 2: as I believe, and I believe that one day I'm
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  Speaker 2: just going to lay down and say, Lord, I have
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  Speaker 2: finished my assignment. I have finished a race. Beat me up.
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  Speaker 2: There is also a possibility of dementia, high blood pressure,
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  Speaker 2: you know, all these different things. So the average that
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  Speaker 2: leaves me with twenty properly years, how many of those
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  Speaker 2: years are in pristine, immaculate health and energy. Let's break
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  Speaker 2: this down. So, no, we don't have the time to
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  Speaker 2: apologize anymore. We don't have the time to wait anymore.
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  Speaker 2: We don't have the time to really dally between it
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: anymore either, know and know it's at any age.
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  Speaker 1: So we have to.
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  Speaker 2: Utilize the date and the moment that we have, in
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  Speaker 2: the energy that we have. And I find that with
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: us as women, because we're so used to support supporting
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  Speaker 2: someone AS's dream, it's hard to define our own. And
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: so what we end up doing Doctor Jay's We get
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: addicted to starting dreams. We dream another dream, and dream
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  Speaker 2: another dream, and that gives us hope because dreaming is hopefulness,
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: and so we won't dis stay in a place of
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: hopefulness because if we really look at this, we look
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  Speaker 2: and go, oh, my lord, at this point, I knew
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  Speaker 2: I should have done this. At this point, I should
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  Speaker 2: have just stood upon my own two feet at this point,
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  Speaker 2: I should have said listen. And so for us to
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: not fight this and be tethered to what was and
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: to get into what is, is to remember that the
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  Speaker 2: greatest testimony is not what God brought us through, but
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  Speaker 2: they be finished what He was taking us to. They
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  Speaker 2: be completed. So no, if we have twenty solid years
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  Speaker 2: fifteen solid years, now, we multiply the time and the
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  Speaker 2: effort in a more intentional, proper way. So I think
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  Speaker 2: for us as women, especially in ministry, there comes a
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  Speaker 2: time and when we get the permission to do it.
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  Speaker 2: Our calling is looked as a hobby. Oh go write
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  Speaker 2: your little book. Oh yes, you can have the time.
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  Speaker 2: Not to go do that. It's very a lot of
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  Speaker 2: psychotic behaviors. As much as I love the faith, faith
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  Speaker 2: work can also be trapping.
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  Speaker 1: I've the faith ward has a lot of narcissists diagnosed
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  Speaker 1: and undiagnosed.
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  Speaker 2: I remember I was in a meeting and you know,
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  Speaker 2: I was in a meeting and we're talking about we
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  Speaker 2: were talking about they're saying, you know, because a person
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  Speaker 2: doesn't have abuse marks, your face not bruised up, you
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: don't have cuts on your body now. For me, I
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: am an abuse survivor in multiple ways. My mom was
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  Speaker 2: on crack. When I was a teenager, I used to
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  Speaker 2: live in one of the worst ghettos in Jamaica, even
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  Speaker 2: though I went to private school because my dad paid
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: for that. And you know, so I have scars on
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: my legs and stuff I can show you from being
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: beat with belts that were like with steel. So then
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: I got sexually assaulted as a teenager, as a young
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: girl multiple times, and then an as adult in the church,
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: I was a woman that was given real hypnol alongside
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: many other women. So I'm not unaware of abuse. But
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: if you have an abusive past, you can also be
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: conditioned to abuse that you don't. It's like having multiple
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: surgeries and that that skin gets so tough, right that
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: scott tissue is so hard that you can't feel it anymore.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: And so now I realized that in our way, we
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: have a lot of spiritual and emotional paraplegics that to church,
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: but we make no room for them. If you are
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: going to service right now and you saw somebody in
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: a wheelchair, your compassion, would you stop and open the door?
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: You wouldn't walk in front of them. And even if
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: you didn't have the courage to say why what happened
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: to you? Your mind would say, let me move this chair,
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: let me move this and make space. But we do
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: not make space in the faith world for spiritual, emotional,
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: mental paraplegics because we cannot see their wounds, we cannot
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: see their abuses. So we tell them faith up, confess
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: your scripture, believe God, trust them, and don't even explain
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: what trust looks like like? Trust him? How like? What
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: is that?
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: Talk about that? Because I've often said that, not what
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: does trust look like?
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: Kag you want to ask me, let me tell you
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: what trust look like? Child? Trust look like? To me?
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: You're going to just keep going in the strength you have.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: Judge is six and I think about Verse nineteen tells Gideon.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: The Baba says that Gidya is complaining. One day he said,
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: we're the miracles. Are all the stuff that you told
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: everybody about? I would love to see that? And the
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: Babba says, God turned around. Now I don't know where
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: God was going for him to turn back around, but
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: he said, oh, let me address this. He did not
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: address that, but he said to him, Gideon, go in
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: the strength you have I've sent you. I think trusting
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: God means to go in the strength you have right now.
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: You don't have to pretend, you don't have to perform,
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: you don't have to judge and compare and compete. Go
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: in what you have with what you know, and just
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: take the very next step. You don't need any other steps,
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: just the very next step. You know, if you ask
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: God for wisdom, the babbit says he will give it.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: If you don't hear anything, clarion, you don't know what
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: your absolute purpose is. You don't hear it from the sky,
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: you don't hear it in your heart. No problem, Use
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: the wisdom that you have, use a mind of Christ
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: that you have, use the brilliance that you have, and
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: make an effective decision. Because here's what I do. Know
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: that even though Moses took that stick and hit that water,
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: hit that rock, water came out because God said validated
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: moses disobedience. Because that's why we tricked right, because we say, okay,
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: God to him to speak to it, and he did it.
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: So if it was full disobedience, why did he not
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: just leave the rock dry? J're just left it dry?
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: But he didn't because we we were taught. We're taught
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: that the opposite of faith is fear. And yet he
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: Rouse eleven tells us that Noah moved with fear when
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: he built dark he moved with fear. Okay, And so
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: the thing is, you have fear here. Neuroplastisiss. We're right,
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: you know it's right. We know that your reticularly activating
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: system is we have here. We have the scent of
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: your heart, which is not your beating heart, but your will, right,
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: you will. And so we have these things so in
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: your spirit that you know, Man, God's gonna work this.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: So it does not make you a terrible believer if
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: your brain part is trying to figure it out. Your
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: brain is used to protecting you. So for you to
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: go into an adventurous new space we call faith. Joe,
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: leap out in there. No nobody is leaping out there.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: We're scared. But you can take that to God. And
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: it doesn't mean your own of faith. It can mean
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: that you're trusting because you're just doing it.
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: Listen, the psychology of who I am. This is blessing
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: me because this is where so many believers are struggling.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: Because when what we know from neuroplasticity. Yes, from what
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: we know. When it comes to your parasympathetic nervousness, yes,
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: from what we know, fight flight, freeze a fun From
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: what we know, your brain is constantly moving to create,
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: and it's fantastic and it's moving to create either story
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: either to create how this comes together. And so what
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: I love about what you're sharing because so many times
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: as you as we say, the antithesis of faith is doubt.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: But what I think, what we've really wanted to say
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: is really unbelief. Right, it's unbelieved because because I know,
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: for me, I trust God, but then there's doubt and
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: I don't. And I've had to learn this through seeking
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: God for myself. The doubt doesn't disqualify my trust.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: Can I Can I pose a challenge? Yes, It's not
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: that easy to dote. Doat has to get into a
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: place where where we hear the messages about they doted
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: God in the wilderness and God said You're not going
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: because the result of that dot led it into a
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: golden calf. Okay, So a lot of times what we
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: are interpreting as dot is our brain trying to match up.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: And it's okay because we're soul.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: We're soul.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: We're not we're not just spirit, and we're not just bodied.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: We're soul.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: And we don't give enough credit that man is a
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: living soul. We have emotions, we're trying to fill in
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: the gaps, and moving even when we don't fill in
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: the gaps is part of faith. But here's a beautiful thing.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: When Thomas was doubting, right, and we call him doubting
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: Thomas and all of this kind of stuff, Jesus came
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: and said, I'm going to meet you right where you are. Anyhow,
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: So were you so doubting that a cast you the
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: disciplish it group? What about Gideon? Three times he tested
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: the Lord, and the Lord came and said, Okay, I'm
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: gonna meet you right where you are. So many times
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: we as believe us interpret and take on so much shame,
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: and we don't go boldly before God because we go.
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: I don't really believe him, I don't really trust him.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: I'm nervous, I'm mad at him, I'm angry this has happened.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: But dear me, question God. Don't ask God no questions. No,
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: but the is there's a reason together, let's talk about it.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: You're a good Father. So no, God, I don't believe
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: you today. Today I don't believe Pick somebody else. I'm
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: upset with you, the church and everybody else. Find another martyr.
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: I'm quitting. That's all. You have to talk to God,
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: because God, in the middle of that comes to you
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: and says, there's nothing either height nor depth, nor angels,
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: nor demons, nor things above nor things below, nothing can
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: separate you from me. Keep talking. I can handle your unbelief.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: I can handle your I can handle your frustration. I
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: can handle your sadness. I can handle your rejection. I
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: can handle the betrayal. I can handle your isolation. Because
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: here's one thing I am not leaving. So a lot
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: of times we get held hostage as believers and we
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: don't get the full advantage of a relationship with God.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: And that's mental health.
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: God it is. We saw Isaiah wit name Isaiah Elijah,
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: Elijah ran off for there and he said, I want
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: to die. That's suicide. Jesus was all the way up
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: in the thing going somebody else. He was bleeding to
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: where his blood vessels broke. That was a real medical condition.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: And that's from anxiety.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: But correct that real things. But we don't want to
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: address this in there. We just want to say chandala
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: boshakndlaku by your hand and do it too. You know, No, no,
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: we got to stop. We just got to.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: Listen. Listen what I tell you. What I tell you.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: People are going to be blessed by this because I
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: tell him, I said, listen to I never forget this lady.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: She come into therapy and she says, I'm mad to God,
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: but I'm also mad that I'm mad at him. And
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: I have to tell I said, that's a real thing.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: It is. I said, he's not mad that you're mad,
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: because he gave you those emotions. I said, he it's
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: okay with you being upset at him. He's okay with
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: you asking him why now Willie answer, I don't know,
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: but he's okay with that. And I think, Sarah, we
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: don't have enough church that allows us to understand the
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: journey of our humans.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we asked questions. It's taken as rebellious or you're
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: a doubting enough, you don't have the faith, And we
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: feel ashamed because we really want to do right by
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: God and we really want to please him, and that
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: overwhelming desire can also be our troup because we don't
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: get the freedom to do it. When my mom was
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: stabbed and murder to death and I had to clean
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: up the towel with her blood on it, I was
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: not happy with God. I was in the middle of
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: Bible College saying, I'm serving you. I've given him my
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: whole life to come and serve you, and here she
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: comes to get stabbed multiple times, and I have as
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: a teenager, I'm recognizing the body and digging out blood
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: out of growth. I don't I'm not going to pretend
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: and tell you, oh, I'm just trusting him. I didn't
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: trust you. I didn't trust you. I felt like, there's
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: a whole lot of other gods I've met before, and
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: you know, I can go back. But my problem was
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: I had a living experience with this particular God. That
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: was my problem. I had seen blind eyes open, I
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: had seen the sick healed. I had seen him, you know,
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: bring my dad out of you know, so much stuff
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: I've seen, you know, and I could not deny the experience.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: So I was like, I stuck with this Jesus. But
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: I was mad. And he gave me a scripture that says,
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: who knows that the Lord saves the righteous to deliver
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: them from the day of trouble. And I don't know
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: if my mom had lived on if it would have
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: been worse, which she had gone back on crack, would
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: it have been worse? I don't know. That's the comfort
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: I got. But no, I'm not always excited. But to
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: have a transparent relationship with God, you give your your
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: brain the opportunity to release what it needs to release
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: so it can receive what it needs to receive. You
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: have to have vulnerability and transparency with God and with yourself.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: So you're saying it's healthy to allow our brain.
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: To Yeah, the brain is is so fascinating, and I
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: think that that's one of the, like I said, disadvantages
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: when we are in the limelight from a ministry standpoint,
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: we're trained to just throw scripture at you. And here's
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: one of the things I wants to let you know
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: that I've discovered is that renewing the mind is not
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: the same as retraining the brain. The mind is a
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: portion of the brain, but it's not the totality of
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: the brain. So when we are telling you just recite
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: and reheard scripture, that is a part. But because the
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: brain is a muscle. It has to be truly trained
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: in other ways. So I have to retrain my body
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: to go a different road. That's not a scripture situation.
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: That's a physical Get in my freaking car and drive
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: a different road that is just practical that have nothing
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: to do.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: This is why I tell people why you cannot talk
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: Bible and not talk mental health. Because I got you
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: delivered at the altar. How am I going to keep
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: you free if I don't put you in spaces or
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: put you in a community. It's like people who go
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: to the AA. There's several close friends of mine that
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: are ten year plus sobriety, and they all say the
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: same thing. It's the meetings, it's the community, it's the accountability,
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: it's the support. And I think what church has done
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: is we've given people scripture, but without being very pragmatic
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: on how do we keep people free? Because for somebody
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: like myself who battle with suicidal thoughts, I'm a two
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: time survivor. I can tell you this. Anybody who survived
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: would tell you those thoughts don't go away. Now. I'm
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: in therapy. Yes I'm healed, and yes I'm whole, but
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: I'm in therapy because I still have a brain that
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: constantly will say, hey, it would be nice to go
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: to sleep and not wake up. And I don't share
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: that with people. I'm sharing it here transparently because I've
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: had people that say, man, I still struggle with those thoughts,
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: and somebody come and say, well, your holy ghost ain't holy.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: You ain't seeking God enough. Correct Because when I go
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: and look at everybody in that Bible that God called
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: all them people have mental health issues, every single one
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: of them, every last one of them, everyone, And guess
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: what most of them struggle with answering the call every
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: day and nobody talks about the weight. And my issue
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: is it I don't want to do it nobody because
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: it's almost like it's almost like somebody telling you, somebody
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: telling you to go to a place that they never been.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: So you're trying to be a tour god and you
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: never gone.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: Let me tell you one of the things I do
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: because I had never I had never had suicidal thoughts
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: until I was fighting through that moment of am I
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: going to go? Am I going to stay?
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: Because it was this was doing your marriage?
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: Yes, this was when I decided to leave the full
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: throat of all the different meetings and all the different
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: things that are being made to do that, I'm going
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: this is not even logical, and so I'm battling like
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: this still makes no sense. Don't leverage scripture against me.
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: Don't use my relationship with God to try and manipulate me,
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: you know, because I thought for this relationship with God,
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: a lot of other people did not go through all
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: these other gods define him. So don't leverage him and say, Okay,
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: well you want to please God, right, don't ask me
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: stupid questions you your answers to okay. That just irritated me,
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: and so I felt so overwhelmed by the systematic politics
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: to manage me that I just was like, Lord, no,
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: And in that moment, I had never felt in my
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: life what hopelessness felt. It is a feeling you cannot describe,
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: and I know you know it takes. It's a gap.
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: It's a gap within your system that you're not supposed
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: to normally feel. So you don't know what to do it,
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: and it's frightening. So I said, oh, I'm have to
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: do something about this. Oh my god, I'm have to
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: do something. So here's what I do, Doctor j I
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: have a timer in my phone that any time I
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: have thoughts of anxiety and my chest start caving in
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: and I start sweating and I and I start thinking,
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: I don't think I'm gonna make it. I should have stayed.
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: I don't know what happened. Did I do the right thing?
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: No?
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: All the church people hate me, all my friends just
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: block me. Oh my gosh, I was on God Baby,
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: that was I was. I was there when the baby died,
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: and they don't even talk to me. And I'm just
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: feeling all of this at the same time. I've had
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: the timer on there. You got three minutes. You got
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: three minutes to grieve. You got three minutes to put
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: this baby in a playpen. Because anxiety is energy without
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: the plan, So I have to create a plan for.
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: Its energy without a plan.
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: Anxiety is energy without the plan. Wow, it has nowhere
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: to go. It doesn't know what to do.
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah I like that United At Yeah, I like that.
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: So my plan is you got three minutes, so three minutes. Yeah,
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: this sucks this right. You know, I could have been wrong,
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: But once I think going on, my brain is trained.
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: You don't have no more time for it. So I
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: trained that brain muscle, so to win, the ring goes off.
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: It only gets that amount of time, and then I
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: lessened it, and I lessened it, so now I can
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: convert that thought much faster in seconds.
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: No, oh, that's good, you know what I mean.
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: But you have to train the brain into converting it
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: into into something stronger. So no, if the thought comes
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: to me, I can immediately switch and go, oh, I
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: see what you're doing. You got sixty seconds. Go and
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: have your sixty seconds, and I can convert it. And
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: if after that a couple times a day, you do
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: that until you subject. Now that's where we talk about
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: pult subjecting your body. Now you're training and discipline in
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: your brain to form new neurons, new patterns, new ways
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: of thinking. When you start seeing it, your brain goes, oh,
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: we don't like that. I train my brain to be
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: allergic to that. We don't like that. So you know,
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: there was a big thing years ago. You put a
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: rubber band on your arm and any negative thought you
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: pull it. So sometimes you have to do that. Remember,
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: your brain go, we don't, we don't like it here,
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: we don't, we don't like it here. This is not
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: a good feeling for us. And then get back to
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: get back into a more static cars.
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: Stevens, Uh, you you you said a lot today, UH,
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: And I listen. I've been blessed by it just as
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: a man listening. There are a lot of women uh
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: that have come out of marriages trying to find themselves.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: There are some women who've never been married, UH, that
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: were silenced early in their childhood. There are some women
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: that are a gifted their talent, They're brilliant, but they
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: don't feel that they can. In closing, what what would
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: you say to that woman? Because you you do this
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: ministry work with women, you're restoring them, You're you're you're
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: rebuilding them. You're you're teaching women to share their stories
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: publicly rather than holding it in private. What would you
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: say to the woman who may be trapped in her
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: story or trapped in a trauma.
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: I would tell her that a lot of times we're
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: trapped because unintentionally it's still about us. When I know
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: that on the other side of my story is someone's
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: life jacket, someone's oxygen tank is on the other side
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: of my story, then I do it for the me
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: that needed a courage, and I do it for them
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: that needs a courage. When I think about the women
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: that are trapped in their story, it's because they are
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: now stopping at that story instead of using the pen
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: of a ready writer and continue to write a different story.
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: Because you're up to this point. That's just up to
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: this point. But anything after this point you have dominion.
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: You can stand in authority and design the life that
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: you desire. You can begin to get into whatever it
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: is that you want. Because you are now at this
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: point and it's been revealed to you that my story
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: is the greatest asset I have. If it were not so,
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: he would not have told us. We overcome by the
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: We overcome shame, we overcome doubt, we overcome anxiety, we
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: overcome depression, we overcome stagnation by the testimony. So I
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: would tell you that if you're feeling trapped in your story,
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: all you need is how to tell your story. Maybe
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: you need the semantics of how to do it, but
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: to absolutely do it is our responsibility. It's our responsibility
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: for the older taty in the younger and old that
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: doesn't always have to be aged. Means your experience can
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: be older or further along than somebody else's own. So
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: you may be further long in business, you may be
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: further long in marriage, you may be further long in
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: mental health, maybe further along in something. Then it's our
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: responsibility to squash the gap, and you know, just have
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: some quantum leaps by making that time shorter. And how
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: do we do that? We train, we develop, and we
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: take our story. You don't have to share your entire
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: story at once, but each piece of your story can
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: definitely reveal and help somebody else on the other side.
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: So that's what I get to do. And it's you know,
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: it's the most fulfilling when your story does not hold
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: you hostage, but you use it for what God wanted
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: you to do, which is a launching pad and a
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: landing place for somebody else.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: One last question I asked the guess you know this
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: podcast about healing, and as we know that we're heal,
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: may so make new When you think about that word healing,
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: what does it mean to you, Sarah? After everything that
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: you overcome, what does healing means to you?
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: It means progression. And every time I think about healing,
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: I think that it's an ongoing process. I feel like
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: when people say you have to be fully healed before
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: you do something, I think it's a disservice to us
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: because we're not necessarily fully healed. We're always healing. And
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: I think of it as a sea section that when
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: a woman has a sea section, they don't give her
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: a week before she gets out to bed. Within less
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: than a day, she has to get up and walk
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: in that pain because if not, she'll become toxic and
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: septic and die.
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: So healing to me is actually active. It is actually
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: not sitting back and just waiting for things to happen.
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: Whenever you injure you knee, you still have to go
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: to therapy to with pain. So sometimes healing is uncomfortable.
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: We think of healing as just oh, light blue colors
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: and spa. No, that's a spa day. Healing is work.
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: Healing is work. It's uncomfortable. It makes you grow, but
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: it's everything inside of you does not want to do
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: the work. It's easier to stay in the victim. It's
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: easier to get people I feel sorry for you. It's
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: easier for you not to do the work and let
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: everybody else do the work that you need to do.
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: But on the other side of what you're not willing
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: to do is whoom. The blessing and the person that
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: you always were supposed to be is on the other
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: side of what you're not willing to do. So healing
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: to me just means a progression that is not always comfortable.
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: Listen, Miss Sarah Connors not to Sarah Connors when they terminated,
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: but I feel like she just terminated this episode. I
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: I've get so many you know, requests, I felt compelled
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: to have you share. I didn't know how it will
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: come about or how it would come about, but I'm
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: glad I responded because the feedback that I got from
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: my mom's episode, I was like, man, you know the
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: women really I mean it. I mean I've had women
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: like like sending me voice message, like crying and saying
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: you know yeah, because I think so many women see
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: themselves in my mother, and as I'm sure they'll see
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: themselves in you and and and going through divorce, because
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: I've often wondered, I see, you know men, and You're right,
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: these pastors to get divorced and they go on and
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: but always see the shame around the woman when she
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: has to sort of go on with life. And it's
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: like if she, if she do remarry, she's ostracized in
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: such a way. And I'm like, how is it that
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: he gets to go on and live his life.
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: He can keep going, he can have a herom, he
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: can never hold Haramin and claim Solomon, and and and
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: and we'll be on to us.
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: Child and thank you. Listen, listen, oh my god.
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: One day, one day, we're going to talk about what
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: women really don't want to, what we don't really say
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: to these poses, and to the things what we really.
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: Don't So okay, okay, give okay, and clothes. Give me
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: three things that women don't say that they that you
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: feel that they want to.
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: Okay, So I had missed, I had messaged you on
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: number one. We do not like being woken up in
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: her sleep for sex. We don't. We don't. We don't
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: want to be touched while we're sleeping. We're asleep. And
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: I know that you got all happy at two am
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: in the morning, and that's good for you.
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: Hold on now, now, hold on, miss Sarah. Hold on.
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: Some women. Some women gonna say, hold on, miss Sarah,
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: I want to be woken up.
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: Okay, then you yeah, but he's he's always gonna be
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: one to woke up. You ain't never have to worry
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: about him wanting to be woken up. Okay, so you
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: go ahead and just roll on over, jump on him,
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: do what you're gonna do. Take all the seven minutes gone,
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: won't get back to sleep. Okay, it's gonna be all right.
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: But for the woman A lot of times that don't
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: want to they won't say anything, and they'll cringe and
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: they'll do all of this kind of stuff. And some
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: people just sit down there and just can't and just
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: wait for it to be to be over.
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: Now. So now now I gotta go on my clinical
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: bad for the woman that doesn't want to be woken up.
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: Do you think it's it's trauma? Okay, there it is.
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: It's true. Now I want y'all hear that it's trauma.
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: It's trauma, and.
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: It's how it's approached. Because if you're just scooting up
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: on this, rubbing up on somebody, what is that? You
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: gotta let the person know you come in, you'll talk,
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: say something, rustle something, move on the bit, you know,
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: just don't scoot on up and do all this that
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: what you're doing, you have to, like, you gotta give
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: warning because for a person who has been sexually assaulted,
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: if you touch from behind, yeah, okay, that we're gonna
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: freeze and we're not gonna respond because you're you're not
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: inviting us into the conversation. And as a Christian woman,
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: you feel obligated to give your body because that scripture
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: is used on you. Your body belongs to They don't
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: read the other part. They don't read the other part
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: that it says the man's body also belongs to the
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: woman you know? Just does It doesn't say about mama.
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: It's say that. So supposing I don't want your body,
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: if your body belong to me, and I don't want
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: your body and you want my body? What happened though?
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: It's what I'm saying. We're not talking about scripture, We're
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: not talk about real stuff in here. Let's talk about it.
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: Number two. I think we don't We don't tell when
• 45:12
  Speaker 2: we have when we really have big dreams in our heart,
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: because we don't feel we would be supported, we feel
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: we'd be managed.
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: I hear a lot from so.
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: We find a lot of girlfriends and other people, but
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: we should feel safest here and celebrated most here in
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: our relationship but a lot of times we don't. So
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: we we we tell other people and we shut you out.
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: Another Yeah, another thing that we don't tell you is
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: if you don't know or SOS signs, you don't know
• 45:39
  Speaker 2: when we're about to leave. Every person and every relationship
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: has SOS signs. So yours maybe shutting down, walking away, yelling, screaming,
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: hanging out the phone, you know, clanging pots, you know,
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: scooting on the whole other side of the bed like
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: you don't even know each other. Everybody has a distressed signal.
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: And if you don't read the distress signals, and I'm
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: saying them to you and you discount them, then you
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: don't know that you're training us to leave. You're training
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: us to not need your input, your presence, your support.
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: You're training us by default even though you don't want to.
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: Because I may say to you, hey, you know what
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: when you yell at me, that doesn't feel good That
• 46:20
  Speaker 2: I'm just being passionate? Are you? Are you trying? Are
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: you not? Who are you passionate? Why are you so
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: many decibels ahead of me? If that's just what I'm
• 46:28
  Speaker 2: just passionate, I'm on my point. Okay, Well, I think
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: you can be on your point and and and speak properly.
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: So a lot of times you diffuse you, you disregard it,
• 46:37
  Speaker 2: and then women go they're trained to not speak to
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: you because we don't know what's going to respond. And
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: of course there's dynamics in men. Why that is the case, right,
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: So sometimes you defend because you feel are tact and
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: if you bring a dream to you, you feel obligated
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: to fulfill it. And if you don't feel that you
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: can fulfill it, then you may defend the part and
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: and kind of manage it because really you want to
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: be the person fulfilling it. And it hits your ego
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: that I'm dreaming big and I didn't ask you to
• 47:02
  Speaker 2: solve it or fix it. But you don't know that
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: I'm not asking you to solve and fix it, so
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: you automatically start shutting it down inadvertently. And I know
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: feel like, man, I don't know space to dream, and
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: you're going, man, I really want to fulfill the dream.
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: I just not that I don't make that money yet.
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: I do want to take you to these places. I
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: just don't do it. I just not there yet. And
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: so you don't want to do it. But it's not
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: true because you're not talking to me and letting me know,
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: and so you're not going your cave and I go
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: in my cave.
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: Listen, Miss sah Colin, Listen, y'all married folks and folks
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: won't be a relationship. Listen. Let me tell you something.
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: Most merit people problem or single people problem? Should I say?
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: Most merit people's issues are most Marilyn say like this,
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: most marital problems are single people. I've said, issues that
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: you had in your singleness that has now been magnified
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: in this marriage relationship. Listen again, thank you, Miss Sarah
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: O'Connors for coming to day. We're having me all the
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: way from Jamaica. Waguan brodrin wakwan your wagwand was yaudio. Yeah, yes,
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: it's Jamaican. And you know that's where the Barnett name
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: comes from.
• 48:22
  Speaker 2: We know a lot of Burnett's. My best friend's name
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: is Jolanda Barnett.
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the Barnet's auld like to like Barnett and Jamaica
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: is like smith here. Yes, yeah, yeah.
• 48:32
  Speaker 2: Well I appreciate it. Thank you so much for having
• 48:34
  Speaker 2: me and for the authenticity and the ability to just
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: be yourself. Yes, we didn't have any performative Christians on
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: here today debris.
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: No, no, we did not. We had real iuthentity Christians mind,
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: real life, real life, real life Australian for bear, No Australian.
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: We're going to do all that now.
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: No, not Australia. I'm thinking about red stripe red right.
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: It won't be British.
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: Maybe you want to go like South Africa, seek Lina,
• 49:01
  Speaker 2: your gear up?
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: Hey, all of that me an listen, guys, thank you
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: guys for sitting with us today or another episode to
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: just here with doctor Jay. This has really blessed me.
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: I'm so blessed man that I get to bring different
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: voices that have different stories, that have different insight, that
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: have different gifts. That's what make up the world is
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: to have our voices unified together to tell our story
• 49:32
  Speaker 1: for another person to become whole, to become healed, or
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: for another person just to begin being reflective of how
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: can they become better? And that's what I hope that
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: has happened today with miss Sarah Connors, that you can
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: take this message and again this is not just for
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: I mean she again as a man who wants to
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: be a husband this. This spokes to me, and it
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: spoke to me in ways because I think so many
• 49:57
  Speaker 1: times as men, we can go into relationship ships not
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: understanding fully how a woman who's driven and have dreams
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: need to really be supported. Because sometimes brothers, they don't
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: need us to do anything, they just need us to
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: be supportive. And you don't have to be a spouse
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: to be supportive. It can be a friend, it can
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: be a colleague. Because I think we often make everything
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: around romantic relationship. We need better platonic relationships all together.
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: And that's what I'm hoping that you have gotten from
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: this episode, how you can become a better person and
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: how you can continue to dream in spite of what
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: you have a experience. For some of you, it may
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: be a divorce. For some of you, it may be
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: you're grieving the loss of a loved one, you're grieving
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: the loss of a job. But no matter what your
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: loss was, there's much to be gained. And when you
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: did that number thing on here, that right there, CJ,
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: that was powerful because you when you see that thing
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: on paper and you like, oh, this is how many
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: years I have left? As the as the aunties and
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: uncle say, I only got twenty summers left. That thing
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: became real again. There's the day that you're born and
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: the day that you leave here, and there's that dash.
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: What will you do between your dash again? I'm doctor J.
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: Barnett Man. This is always a joy until next time.
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: Healing is a journey and wholeness is the destination. Keep
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: doing the work. Just here with Doctor J, a production
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: of the Black Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: to your favorite shows. And you can follow me at
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: King J. Barnett on Instagram and x and follow us
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: on YouTube. Just Heal, Doctor J.