Latest / Let Me Claire-ify / Life Update: Toxic Positivity, Dating Horror Stories & Facing Yourself

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Life Update: Toxic Positivity, Dating Horror Stories & Facing Yourself · Let Me Claire-ify

0:00
SPEAKER_00: So this episode is just like a stream of thoughts and this is Claire from all
0:04
SPEAKER_00: the way in the future.
0:06
SPEAKER_00: I recorded this episode in August.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: It is now November.
0:11
SPEAKER_00: I'm wearing the same exact hoodie that I was wearing and I don't know,
0:14
SPEAKER_00: I listened to it back and it's
0:17
SPEAKER_00: so funny how I can find myself in the same loop
0:23
SPEAKER_00: because I've already actualized or identified, sorry,
0:27
SPEAKER_00: I've already identified all the issues and why.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: I'm stuck in this loop, but yet again,
0:32
SPEAKER_00: I find myself stuck in a loop and my biggest hurdle in my personal life,
0:38
SPEAKER_00: which others might find stupid or they just might like not really understand
0:45
SPEAKER_00: and think that.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe others might try to minimize what I'm going to say here and they might try
0:56
SPEAKER_00: to belittle the experience.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: But my biggest hurdle right now is not being with people who are worthy of me.
1:05
SPEAKER_00: And I was listening back to the episode.
1:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I was hurt because I surrounded myself and I couldn't even say I don't.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this is a real hurt of feeling
1:16
SPEAKER_00: of mine is I have never been In a legitimate relationship.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: So listening back to my episode,
1:26
SPEAKER_00: I'm saying romantic potential partnerships,
1:30
SPEAKER_00: like the way that I have
1:34
SPEAKER_00: to identify that is I have given a lot of my time
1:38
SPEAKER_00: to people, to men who could not even identify me.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: As a girlfriend.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: And it was those experiences where I felt those really hurt me.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: So when I encountered people who were genuinely interested in me,
1:59
SPEAKER_00: I did not know how to behave.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: Because in the way that I showed up for people that I liked, it was not good.
2:09
SPEAKER_00: So if you like me and I show up as myself...
2:13
SPEAKER_00: Will you like me?
2:14
SPEAKER_00: Should I show up as how those others made me show up?
2:19
SPEAKER_00: And when I think about my earlier episodes, I want to apologize.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: I want to apologize because just for my reflection,
2:30
SPEAKER_00: I really believe that I was spewing in a way a bit of toxic positivity.
2:35
SPEAKER_00: And people are like, what does that mean?
2:37
SPEAKER_00: What's the definition?
2:39
SPEAKER_00: I will give it to you.
2:41
SPEAKER_00: All right, so I just looked it up.
2:42
SPEAKER_00: Toxic positivity is the practice of avoiding, suppressing,
2:46
SPEAKER_00: or rejecting negative emotions and forcing a cheerful optimism outlook
2:50
SPEAKER_00: in every situation.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I did that in my previous episodes,
2:55
SPEAKER_00: but I know that each time that I recorded an episode and I published one,
3:00
SPEAKER_00: I really wanted to lean into a more positive light and not be as real and as raw
3:06
SPEAKER_00: as the things that I'm struggling with.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: My two biggest pain points
3:11
SPEAKER_00: in life are my romantic life and my career pursuits.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: I'm not happy in both.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: So I have a lot of
3:23
SPEAKER_00: I just have a lot of negative emotions
3:27
SPEAKER_00: and I try to avoid speaking about them in the podcast.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: But if I want to have a podcast about real life,
3:34
SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about clarifying and just going through the different stages.
3:37
SPEAKER_00: These are the things that I do want to talk about.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, they're at the forefront of my mind to where I can't.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: I really have no capacity for other topics that I discuss.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: Of course, I want to use my platform to address important issues,
3:58
SPEAKER_00: but I'm just so consumed in this point of my life.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: And I had two close people to me tell me that one told me I was desperate
4:08
SPEAKER_00: for a relationship that hurt, aches.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: And another one told me my approach in it In getting a relationship
4:18
SPEAKER_00: or just my approach with men is off-putting.
4:21
SPEAKER_00: Both of which are really hard to hear.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: But the truth hurts.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you need somebody to give you that harsh,
4:29
SPEAKER_00: honest truth in order for you to excel and move on.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: So again, as I reflect on this episode, I realized I was in that emotional funk.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: I realized I was starting to feel sorry for myself.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: And there was a lot of pursuits and things that I wanted to do within the year
4:44
SPEAKER_00: that I let go to the wayside.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: We have, what, two more months left in the year,
4:51
SPEAKER_00: maybe a month and a half left in the year, two more months.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: And I really would like to end it with a bang.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: I think I realized that I needed to... And everybody told me this.
5:07
SPEAKER_00: I had to just...
5:08
SPEAKER_00: I think for me, I just had to put the whole... I still have anxieties.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: The back burner because I'm so emotionally scarred and I have such
5:17
SPEAKER_00: a negative mindset and view on men that The very thing that I want,
5:23
SPEAKER_00: I often fight against.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: So once I realized and I put that on the Backburner,
5:29
SPEAKER_00: I started pouring into myself,
5:32
SPEAKER_00: I have found a lot of joy.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: I still have anxieties, I still have insecurities just
5:40
SPEAKER_00: because I think I fear my
5:43
SPEAKER_00: presence is often misunderstood
5:47
SPEAKER_00: or my just state in my,
5:51
SPEAKER_00: what am I trying to say?
5:53
SPEAKER_00: How I show up is misunderstood.
5:54
SPEAKER_00: I fear that.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: And I've always tried to minimize myself and maybe, oh, let me not, let me just cower.
6:01
SPEAKER_00: But now I'm just like, I don't give a F. I'm going to go out and do whatever I want.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: And for example, I've started working out and At first,
6:12
SPEAKER_00: I used to be so meek and get little weights,
6:14
SPEAKER_00: but now I'm challenging myself and I'm going to get those heavier weights
6:18
SPEAKER_00: and I'm going to, I don't care who's ever looking at me.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: And I go to run club.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how I'm faring in that run club.
6:27
SPEAKER_00: I often feel like, oh, maybe they're like, oh, she's doing too much,
6:30
SPEAKER_00: but I really want to become a better runner.
6:32
SPEAKER_00: I really want to excel and push myself.
6:35
SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to do that and not think that Everybody is against me
6:39
SPEAKER_00: or everybody is having a negative view on me.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: So I just hope that if you had find yourself
6:50
SPEAKER_00: in maybe you fell off of your path
6:55
SPEAKER_00: or you kind of feel hopeless and all those things,
6:58
SPEAKER_00: I hope that you're not encouraged to just rush and push through those emotions,
7:03
SPEAKER_00: but allow yourself to sit in it, but not too long.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to feel those emotions.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: Don't suppress any negativity.
7:11
SPEAKER_00: But it's okay to tell yourself you deserve good things.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: It's okay to tell yourself that.
7:18
SPEAKER_00: Don't tell yourself negative things.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: If you want to make a change in your life, what did Michael Jackson say?
7:23
SPEAKER_00: You got to make that change and it starts with you.
7:26
SPEAKER_00: So I hope you enjoyed this raw and vulnerable episode
7:31
SPEAKER_00: and I will be talking to you guys soon.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: Hey guys, welcome.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Let Me Clarify.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: This episode is a bit of a life update.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: I'm just reflecting on myself from the beginning of the year, where I am today.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: And I have to be so real, so honest.
7:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm disappointed.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm disappointed in myself because I feel like I really let myself down.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: I started the year with so much optimism.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: And...
8:07
SPEAKER_00: I just realized, I realized that the optimism I had,
8:11
SPEAKER_00: it had a lot of toxicity in it.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: It had a lot of toxicity because I just wasn't being real.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, a lot of stuff happened because there's a lot of things
8:24
SPEAKER_00: that led me to where I am right now.
8:28
SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't allowing myself to be real, allowing myself to address it.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: I just want to add here that
8:38
SPEAKER_00: I really have realized in the recent months because I've started therapy.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: I started therapy almost a year ago.
8:50
SPEAKER_00: Almost a year ago.
8:50
SPEAKER_00: I think I started it like October
8:58
SPEAKER_00: or November of last year.
9:02
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I started therapy and like I'm realizing
9:07
SPEAKER_00: that Therapy has helped me address
9:11
SPEAKER_00: a lot of the things that I didn't even know
9:15
SPEAKER_00: that I was blocking or I just wasn't.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: I was not being real about.
9:25
SPEAKER_00: Like I really was not being real about.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: And I really, I always say this and I said this before.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: I pride myself because I think I am so real.
9:33
SPEAKER_00: I believe that I am so real.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: But I'm also so fake.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: I'm also so phony.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm also so filtered.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like real with such a filtered edit is fake AF.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm fake AF.
9:51
SPEAKER_00: But anyway, let's get back to it.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: I just really wanted to add the fact that therapy has helped me,
9:59
SPEAKER_00: like, like,
10:03
SPEAKER_00: come out of the BS and be real.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: That's all you can be. Hello?
10:08
SPEAKER_00: And...
10:12
SPEAKER_00: I was like, just being like, okay, like I'm going to take this new opportunity and seize it.
10:17
SPEAKER_00: And for the most part, I was.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: I started this podcast because I really want to create a community
10:22
SPEAKER_00: for young people,
10:26
SPEAKER_00: but I don't want to even say young because I conceptualized the podcast
10:31
SPEAKER_00: in a young mind.
10:33
SPEAKER_00: I conceptualized the podcast years ago when I was like,
10:37
SPEAKER_00: Maybe mid-20s, early to mid-20s.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: Now I'm late 20s.
10:42
SPEAKER_00: Now I'm brown.
10:43
SPEAKER_00: Now I'm big girl.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: But the concept is the same.
10:48
SPEAKER_00: I really wanted to create a community where we can speak openly about navigating
10:54
SPEAKER_00: through adulthood.
10:55
SPEAKER_00: Because I really do believe and agree there's stages to it.
10:59
SPEAKER_00: Like I said before, I have some episodes in the vault that delve into it.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: But there were topics for me that were just so sensitive and I couldn't even release it.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: So I like want to apologize to one of my guests
11:18
SPEAKER_00: because I vaulted his episode just
11:21
SPEAKER_00: because that topic was about love.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: It was about relationships.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: And I delve in this.
11:29
SPEAKER_00: I delve in that topic in that realm here,
11:33
SPEAKER_00: but so surface level and So maybe juvenile
11:40
SPEAKER_00: and never very real about how I'm feeling
11:43
SPEAKER_00: and my fears, my anxieties, my insecurities on all of that.
11:47
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, maybe I'll release that episode because me,
11:53
SPEAKER_00: it's me and my guest,
11:55
SPEAKER_00: we have different experiences.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: So we're going to have different views and I love his view.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: Now that I'm, now that I'm Reflecting on it, I love that, his view.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: My view is different.
12:09
SPEAKER_00: And it's not even a bad different.
12:11
SPEAKER_00: Hopefully you guys want to check out this episode.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: Hopefully that wasn't even a good enough teaser.
12:15
SPEAKER_00: Should I drop it?
12:18
SPEAKER_00: Put drop in the chat.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: What am I, a streamer right now?
12:23
SPEAKER_00: But I think I will release that episode.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I just wasn't being real.
12:28
SPEAKER_00: And...
12:30
SPEAKER_00: To be honest, for the longest time, I haven't been.
12:33
SPEAKER_00: For the longest time, I have not allowed myself to feel.
12:40
SPEAKER_00: I've not allowed myself to live a life.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: And I've lived in autopilot.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: That's why, like, my first episode was, like, quit being a loser.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: Because for the longest time, I felt like a loser.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: And I thought it's empowering to reclaim that.
13:00
SPEAKER_00: And it's funny because like I had
13:06
SPEAKER_00: so much feedback from my first episode
13:08
SPEAKER_00: and people were like, oh my God, I love it. I love it.
13:10
SPEAKER_00: But I would never call myself a loser.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: I would never call myself a loser.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you're not calling yourself a loser.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: You're just calling out when you are being a woman. But now I see it.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: I really understand that.
13:32
SPEAKER_00: The gravity of words.
13:34
SPEAKER_00: I truly understand the gravity of words.
13:36
SPEAKER_00: And like my mom has said this for the longest time.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: A lot of people said this for the longest time,
13:41
SPEAKER_00: like what you speak
13:43
SPEAKER_00: into yourself
13:52
SPEAKER_00: really will be a reflection of your reality.
13:55
SPEAKER_00: It really will be a reflection of your reality.
13:59
SPEAKER_00: And for the longest time, I did not speak well into myself and I was starting
14:05
SPEAKER_00: to speak well into myself.
14:07
SPEAKER_00: That's why I was like loving to create this environment.
14:11
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean? And I really would love to speak about different things.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: Like I remember being a kid.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: I remember being a kid and like being in school and learning
14:23
SPEAKER_00: about like all these atrocities that are happening in the world.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, why are the adults like not doing enough? Oh, my God.
14:31
SPEAKER_00: Like, why are the adults not going to Congress, not doing this?
14:36
SPEAKER_00: Like, I was infuriated because they had the ability to do those things.
14:43
SPEAKER_00: And now as an adult, like, I can understand, like,
14:47
SPEAKER_00: I really want To create also and use this space
14:52
SPEAKER_00: to talk about issues beyond dating
14:55
SPEAKER_00: and relationships.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: Important issues to me.
14:57
SPEAKER_00: Issues that I think that we should talk about.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: For example, I really am passionate about health and wellness.
15:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm passionate about nutrition.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: So those are things I would eventually love to talk about.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: And I would love to like...
15:13
SPEAKER_00: Hopefully educate my little audience.
15:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm also very passionate about different social issues.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: For example, like I think
15:21
SPEAKER_00: the justice system
15:29
SPEAKER_00: is a passionate topic of mine.
15:34
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know why I'm getting emotional. Crazy.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: Like prison reform?
15:45
SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I'm like crying.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
15:48
SPEAKER_00: Good night. Cut this out. Claire from the future here.
15:50
SPEAKER_00: Actually, I'm actually not going to cut that out.
15:53
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to keep it in.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: I do know why I'm crying.
15:57
SPEAKER_00: I feel very passionate about it because I really think that...
16:02
SPEAKER_00: I really feel passionate about redemption, I think.
16:07
SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of the times prison is not the solution for a lot
16:14
SPEAKER_00: of people's problems or reasons why they commit crime.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: So I really would like to delve more into that.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: For example, most recently...
16:26
SPEAKER_00: Something that has just affected me in my proximity is there was a shooting
16:32
SPEAKER_00: in Seattle involving children, 17, 15,
16:38
SPEAKER_00: I think 18, young boys that resulted in,
16:46
SPEAKER_00: or I'll say young men because 17, 18, you're young men at that point,
16:50
SPEAKER_00: but it resulted in the death of people.
16:54
SPEAKER_00: I don't know why.
16:55
SPEAKER_00: And those are things where the simple solution is just lock them up, blah, blah, blah.
17:00
SPEAKER_00: But there's something that led them to that.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: There's something that leads a 15-year-old boy to think,
17:05
SPEAKER_00: let's conflict resolve with semi-automatic or I don't know what the guns were,
17:10
SPEAKER_00: but I think they were heavy artillery guns in a public area.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: Space that could potentially hurt bystanders.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: Those are things that are important to me.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: Another thing that is important to me is education.
17:28
SPEAKER_00: I'm very passionate about education and encouraging
17:35
SPEAKER_00: and motivating others to excel.
17:38
SPEAKER_00: I think that there is such a thing as an academic athlete and I would love
17:43
SPEAKER_00: to motivate And create academic athletes.
17:47
SPEAKER_00: I'd love to be a coach in that way.
17:50
SPEAKER_00: Those are the things that I am passionate about.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: All right, let's bring it back.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah, prison reform, that is important to me.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: Those are things that I want to talk about.
18:01
SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about what's... Just what's going on in the world, okay?
18:07
SPEAKER_00: I can't even think about that because I'm like so...
18:10
SPEAKER_00: Consumed with my own issues.
18:12
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to get through the day and then just bottle down my own issues rather
18:17
SPEAKER_00: than address my stuff.
18:20
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, this is just really about more about this episode is more
18:26
SPEAKER_00: about authenticity and being real.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: And I realized that I just haven't been the best person to myself and to others
18:33
SPEAKER_00: because I've not been real.
18:35
SPEAKER_00: And I have to be.
18:38
SPEAKER_00: But there's a way of being that because I'm the type of person that bottles a lot
18:42
SPEAKER_00: of things up or just leaves things,
18:44
SPEAKER_00: a lot of things unsaid until it gets to a boiling point and then it's exploding.
18:48
SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to have diarrhea of the mouth
18:52
SPEAKER_00: or just have vicious things
18:56
SPEAKER_00: that you can't say back.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: Cause there are things that once you say things,
18:59
SPEAKER_00: they can't be unsaid and it's really only up to that person.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: To accept your apology should you even apologize for what you said.
19:12
SPEAKER_00: And then move on.
19:14
SPEAKER_00: I really thought that I was like done dealing with heartbreak.
19:18
SPEAKER_00: I've dealt with so much heartbreak but here I am sitting on this couch today.
19:25
SPEAKER_00: Talking about more heartbreak.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: This year I had some platonic heartbreak because...
19:34
SPEAKER_00: I just wasn't being real.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: Maybe there was a fear of judgment.
19:38
SPEAKER_00: There was like fear of what am I doing?
19:43
SPEAKER_00: Like all these different things because I'm not real with myself.
19:51
SPEAKER_00: Like I'm 29 and this world is mine
19:56
SPEAKER_00: and I can do whatever I want to do.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: And I think I'm going to do that.
20:03
SPEAKER_00: I think I'm going to do that.
20:07
SPEAKER_00: And what I want to do is I really want to build community.
20:10
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, before I said, I'm like challenging myself to go to different things,
20:15
SPEAKER_00: but I'm going to go to different things with no expectations.
20:23
SPEAKER_00: No expectations whatsoever.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: Just like chill, relax, have fun.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: And remember who I am.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: And it's like maybe it's so funny because I feel like I'm a very insecure person,
20:41
SPEAKER_00: but I don't even come across as that because my insecurities are so weird.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: Like when I'm outside hanging out with people, I will take pictures only by myself.
20:52
SPEAKER_00: And that's because I used to be surrounded or surround myself in environments
20:57
SPEAKER_00: where I just felt like people did not want to take pictures with me.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: And I felt, damn, am I ugly?
21:01
SPEAKER_00: Is something wrong with me?
21:03
SPEAKER_00: My defense, my armor is let me just take pictures by myself.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: I'm not even going to ask anybody if they want to be in my picture.
21:10
SPEAKER_00: And now I'm realizing that comes off very standoffish.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: Yucks.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: That's not good.
21:17
SPEAKER_00: And I'm thinking about a few people that I've done that to.
21:21
SPEAKER_00: And just, okay, for example,
21:23
SPEAKER_00: recently I was at a festival and I was just taking pictures of myself
21:28
SPEAKER_00: with And I'm standing next to this guy and he was like,
21:30
SPEAKER_00: you're just taking pictures of yourself.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: And then he takes my phone and takes pictures with me.
21:34
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh,
21:37
SPEAKER_00: I guess I could have asked if he wanted to join in on my picture
21:42
SPEAKER_00: because it kind of looks weird because I was trying to not take pictures
21:45
SPEAKER_00: and crop him.
21:46
SPEAKER_00: But I could have just been like, yeah. You know what I mean?
21:50
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know why that was so hard for me.
21:52
SPEAKER_00: I do know why that was so hard for me.
21:54
SPEAKER_00: Because of my past.
21:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, I literally used to surround myself with friends that I was like,
22:00
SPEAKER_00: damn, I actually look ugly because I'm not in any of your shit.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: It's actually scary in live time to see your toxicity.
22:10
SPEAKER_00: And I just saw that in my recount of this story.
22:14
SPEAKER_00: The guy...
22:16
SPEAKER_00: I'm standing next to, it's not just this guy.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: It's a guy that I met before.
22:20
SPEAKER_00: It's a guy that I talked to.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: We're on a platonic level.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: There's nothing there.
22:25
SPEAKER_00: But even because I see a possibility of something going romantically there,
22:30
SPEAKER_00: I've already abandoned him as this guy as I recount the story.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: So I did say I surrounded myself with friends who made me feel less than, but also...
22:45
SPEAKER_00: Romantic potentials.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah. Potential romantic partnerships.
22:53
SPEAKER_00: I think that's what really scarred me.
22:54
SPEAKER_00: For example, I will recount a story.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: One time in college, I was getting to know a man who I thought liked me.
23:03
SPEAKER_00: And he told me to my face, do not approach me in public.
23:12
SPEAKER_00: I was 18 at the time.
23:14
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh my God, an older me knows better.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: I know that.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: And then later on,
23:25
SPEAKER_00: I had another person
23:27
SPEAKER_00: who just didn't want to be seen around me.
23:33
SPEAKER_00: They'd be like, okay, we can go to events, but I'll just, I'll just meet you there.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: I'll just meet you there. Why am I meeting you there?
23:39
SPEAKER_00: Why am I meeting you there?
23:41
SPEAKER_00: When we were just hanging out, like, why can't we go together?
23:44
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you don't want to be seen with me.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: Got it.
23:50
SPEAKER_00: And then the funniest thing,
23:54
SPEAKER_00: this one is actually the one that really infuriated me because this is the one
23:57
SPEAKER_00: where I'm like, oh, Claire, you're being dumb.
24:01
SPEAKER_00: You're being stupid.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: You're being silly.
24:05
SPEAKER_00: Because this guy said to me, I said this already, I made a TikTok about it,
24:09
SPEAKER_00: but I went to this party with him and his friend and he was like, get away from me,
24:16
SPEAKER_00: you're scaring the hoes.
24:19
SPEAKER_00: What?
24:21
SPEAKER_00: What?
24:23
SPEAKER_00: And then he said, because I moved from Jersey, he goes,
24:28
SPEAKER_00: if you ever need a place to stay and I don't have a girl, you could stay with me.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: F you, bro.
24:37
SPEAKER_00: That's yuck.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: I think I just internalized all that rather than just being like, that shit was shitty.
24:43
SPEAKER_00: That was not cool.
24:44
SPEAKER_00: Why am I accepting this?
24:46
SPEAKER_00: This is weird.
24:50
SPEAKER_00: And now I can't even take pictures with people.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: Crazy, right?
24:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm also remembering a time I went on a trip with this guy.
25:00
SPEAKER_00: Horrible.
25:02
SPEAKER_00: Me and relationships and Horrible.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I'm actually like releasing it now.
25:07
SPEAKER_00: I'm no longer scarred by it.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: No longer scarred by it, but I was taking pictures of myself and he was
25:19
SPEAKER_00: in the background and he scurried away.
25:23
SPEAKER_00: And I didn't even be like, oh, you could be in the picture, no worries.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: I just was like, yeah, ew, worry in my picture.
25:28
SPEAKER_00: When he came off so standoffish, and it wasn't because I was like, ew,
25:33
SPEAKER_00: I was just very nervous, uncomfortable.
25:37
SPEAKER_00: And there's been moments where I've been that person where I wanted
25:41
SPEAKER_00: to have those pictures or I wanted to do those things.
25:44
SPEAKER_00: And I've been rejected, you know what I mean?
25:49
SPEAKER_00: Maybe this episode's about rejection.
25:52
SPEAKER_00: Because that rejection really hurt me to a point where I'm like, okay,
25:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to ask for that.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: And now it's this rejection.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: Because I had not addressed it or allowed myself to be like, yeah, that hurt.
26:06
SPEAKER_00: That was crazy. You're not insane because that was weird.
26:12
SPEAKER_00: It allowed me to accept it.
26:13
SPEAKER_00: And now I'm moving in an abnormal way.
26:17
SPEAKER_00: And I am preaching about positivity when I have a lot.
26:22
SPEAKER_00: Unresolved pain.
26:24
SPEAKER_00: I want to be clear.
26:26
SPEAKER_00: I want to be real and clarify shit. Okay?
26:29
SPEAKER_00: Because there's a lot of things we need to clarify.
26:31
SPEAKER_00: And there's a lot of things I want to talk about.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't know, I do have a strong opinion.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: And when I do have an opinion on things, I come with that.
26:43
SPEAKER_00: For real. I want to be that happy person.
26:48
SPEAKER_00: But, like, I was so consumed with my freaking emotion.
26:51
SPEAKER_00: It was insane.
26:55
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
26:56
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, reeling it back.
27:01
SPEAKER_00: I lost a friend.
27:02
SPEAKER_00: And it's for the best. It's for the best.
27:06
SPEAKER_00: I came sideways and crazy.
27:09
SPEAKER_00: It's for the best because I didn't show up in the best way.
27:13
SPEAKER_00: And when I think of her...
27:17
SPEAKER_00: And how she showed up for me most recently, she's only showed up in love.
27:23
SPEAKER_00: So she didn't deserve that.
27:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's just weird when you allow yourself to believe very bad things.
27:37
SPEAKER_00: And this is what I was talking about.
27:39
SPEAKER_00: And I think these are talking about in all
27:41
SPEAKER_00: of my episodes
27:45
SPEAKER_00: is this Overcoming negativity.
27:49
SPEAKER_00: That's what my subconscious has been trying to say.
27:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to overcome negativity.
27:54
SPEAKER_00: And my negativity was within.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: I really have a lot of discomfort within.
27:59
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of... Dare I say self-hate? There is.
28:05
SPEAKER_00: I don't even want to say that I hate myself because I love me.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: I do love me.
28:09
SPEAKER_00: That's why my screensaver... It's not me.
28:12
SPEAKER_00: It's my dog.
28:13
SPEAKER_00: But that's why my screensavers...
28:18
SPEAKER_00: Or me. You know what I mean?
28:21
SPEAKER_00: Hold on.
28:23
SPEAKER_00: Me.
28:28
SPEAKER_00: Do this one right now.
28:29
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I had somebody tell me that, oh my god, you're getting seated.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: And it's not, I think I am, and I should be.
28:38
SPEAKER_00: I think I try to outwardly be, like overly be,
28:42
SPEAKER_00: because like there's like a lot of things that I don't like about myself.
28:45
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, oh my god, I'm so pretty, I'm so cute.
28:48
SPEAKER_00: And when you tell you, like, I need to just tell myself that in the private moment still.
28:52
SPEAKER_00: Because when you speak to yourself privately,
28:55
SPEAKER_00: I think that's the truest self rather than when you speak to yourself
29:00
SPEAKER_00: in social media or in public.
29:03
SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, I think maybe it's different because I grew up in a Gen Z environment.
29:08
SPEAKER_00: So there is two versions of you, at least for me.
29:13
SPEAKER_00: So speaking to myself in those private moments, I'm going to be like, you're so pretty.
29:17
SPEAKER_00: Your locks are so cute.
29:20
SPEAKER_00: I really was like, I don't know.
29:23
SPEAKER_00: I really took so much criticism because this one guy that claimed to like me said
29:31
SPEAKER_00: that my locks look like worms.
29:35
SPEAKER_00: And when he met me and that's when he like noticed me and asked for my number,
29:41
SPEAKER_00: I had braids.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: And they were like long reads.
29:45
SPEAKER_00: And then when next I met him, I had starter locks and they were so small.
29:51
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm going to try to get a picture so I could show you guys.
29:56
SPEAKER_00: And I felt so ugly.
29:59
SPEAKER_00: I felt so ugly before I went to see him.
30:06
SPEAKER_00: I was like, ew, oh my God, I'm not going to go.
30:08
SPEAKER_00: Like, I just started my locks. Why? Why?
30:12
SPEAKER_00: Would I go see this man when the last time he saw me was in with braids?
30:18
SPEAKER_00: Forgetting, forgetting that he's a black American man and he has black sisters.
30:24
SPEAKER_00: Like he should know what's up.
30:27
SPEAKER_00: Us women, we change our hair.
30:31
SPEAKER_00: Hello.
30:33
SPEAKER_00: So I was just so, oh my God, I'm so ugly.
30:38
SPEAKER_00: And then
30:41
SPEAKER_00: I just like when we talked, I really like because I felt ugly,
30:45
SPEAKER_00: I was like a shell of a person and I just wasn't,
30:49
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't who I was when he first met me.
30:51
SPEAKER_00: When he first met me, I was fun. I was airy.
30:54
SPEAKER_00: I was like, you know what I mean?
30:55
SPEAKER_00: I was just very light.
30:58
SPEAKER_00: But then when it came into the point of, okay, let's like, wait, hold on.
31:02
SPEAKER_00: My nails look so cute. Okay.
31:03
SPEAKER_00: When it came to the point of, oh,
31:05
SPEAKER_00: let's hang out because I like you for a potential relationship.
31:10
SPEAKER_00: That's when Shit got weird.
31:13
SPEAKER_00: It got weird for me because then I was like overthinking everything.
31:16
SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, blah, blah, blah. I don't know.
31:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
31:26
SPEAKER_00: This was like me in his.
31:29
SPEAKER_00: This was me.
31:31
SPEAKER_00: Look at me.
31:32
SPEAKER_00: That was me when I went to go.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: I'm like.
31:39
SPEAKER_00: She's I look at her and I'm sad.
31:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm sad because.
31:46
SPEAKER_00: I was really trying to put myself out there.
31:49
SPEAKER_00: Wait, and like cheers out for the fit.
31:51
SPEAKER_00: I kind of looked cute in the fit.
31:53
SPEAKER_00: I was trying to put myself out there, but I felt so ugly and like I just didn't feel like.
32:02
SPEAKER_00: Our connection, you know what I mean?
32:04
SPEAKER_00: And I didn't feel like our connection helped.
32:06
SPEAKER_00: That's what I'll say.
32:09
SPEAKER_00: I didn't feel like it helped.
32:10
SPEAKER_00: And then I didn't help because then I was in my head about things,
32:14
SPEAKER_00: but I was trying to make shit work because I was like, I want this.
32:17
SPEAKER_00: I really want this. But I could have also been like, it's not easy.
32:21
SPEAKER_00: This doesn't feel easy.
32:22
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't feel good.
32:26
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, people were like, you're conceited.
32:29
SPEAKER_00: But no, I still feel ugly.
32:32
SPEAKER_00: If I take my hair right now out of these buns, I need to retwist.
32:38
SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't look good.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, that's enough for the update.
32:49
SPEAKER_00: Just checking in to say...
32:53
SPEAKER_00: I'm happy because I failed myself this year, but the year is not over.
33:01
SPEAKER_00: The year is not over.
33:03
SPEAKER_00: So...
33:06
SPEAKER_00: There's a chance for me to redeem myself.
33:08
SPEAKER_00: And I have my vision board right here.
33:11
SPEAKER_00: And I stopped looking at it.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: But now I need to look at it and be like, what did I want to do?
33:16
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to choose myself.
33:19
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to run a marathon.
33:20
SPEAKER_00: I was, I was, I even chickened out of that.
33:23
SPEAKER_00: I didn't run a marathon because I was so scared to start a half marathon.
33:26
SPEAKER_00: That shit was even hard.
33:28
SPEAKER_00: That was very scary.
33:29
SPEAKER_00: I'm happy I ran the half marathon.
33:31
SPEAKER_00: The year is not over.
33:32
SPEAKER_00: I could still run a marathon.
33:34
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
33:36
SPEAKER_00: I could still do it. Will I? I don't know.
33:39
SPEAKER_00: My brain is telling me no right now.
33:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to be so real right now.
33:43
SPEAKER_00: It's saying no. But never say never.
33:46
SPEAKER_00: I haven't even run in forever because I've been in a mental flu.
33:50
SPEAKER_00: But now I'm back running. I'm going to go to a Seattle Run Club this Saturday.
33:53
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to have fun.
33:57
SPEAKER_00: We are taking it over.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: We're reclaiming our time. What did I say?
34:02
SPEAKER_00: I'm reclaiming my time. Okay.
34:04
SPEAKER_00: What else did I want to do?
34:06
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to get good back muscles.
34:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm getting there, I think.
34:11
SPEAKER_00: And some core.
34:13
SPEAKER_00: I need to stop eating sweets. I need to stop eating sweets.
34:16
SPEAKER_00: Let me be real.
34:18
SPEAKER_00: I love a good sweet.
34:20
SPEAKER_00: I will never say no to a sweet treat.
34:23
SPEAKER_00: Gotta stop doing that.
34:26
SPEAKER_00: And literally put their self-love in solo dates.
34:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no more loser talk.
34:32
SPEAKER_00: No more...
34:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm all of this bad stuff.
34:37
SPEAKER_00: It's only good from now.
34:39
SPEAKER_00: Everything is good. Everything is working.
34:41
SPEAKER_00: What did Amora say from Love Island?
34:44
SPEAKER_00: Everything is
34:44
[music]
34:54
SPEAKER_00: favor.
34:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they are.
35:00
SPEAKER_00: And you know what I mean?
35:01
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I just need to center and ground.
35:04
SPEAKER_00: And I want to get more medals on my medal wall for my running.
35:09
SPEAKER_00: Right now I have one, two, three, four, five.
35:17
SPEAKER_00: I have five medals.
35:18
SPEAKER_00: I need more.
35:20
SPEAKER_00: We need to get back to me.
35:26
SPEAKER_00: Because look at this.
35:30
SPEAKER_00: So...
35:32
SPEAKER_00: I hope you guys have a great rest of your year.
35:37
SPEAKER_00: If you felt like you were going down and out, you can have your cry moments.
35:44
SPEAKER_00: I've had them. Oh, I've been crying
35:50
SPEAKER_00: this whole month, past month.
35:55
SPEAKER_00: Now.
36:02
SPEAKER_00: Now I'm happy.
36:04
SPEAKER_00: I'm happy.
36:06
SPEAKER_00: Life is good.
36:08
SPEAKER_00: Life is me.
36:10
SPEAKER_00: And I'm free.
36:11
SPEAKER_00: What did Beyonce say?
36:13
SPEAKER_00: What did Destiny's Child say?
36:15
SPEAKER_00: Ain't no feeling like me.
36:19
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's just no feeling like that.
36:22
SPEAKER_00: So with that, until then, see ya.