Latest / The Elsa Kurt Show / Spotlight Snatchers: Why Some People Always Make It About Them

Transcript

Spotlight Snatchers: Why Some People Always Make It About Them · The Elsa Kurt Show

0:18
SPEAKER_01: Got a little common sense and for you.
0:23
SPEAKER_01: Let's keep it quiet.
0:27
SPEAKER_01: The world's gonna slap down.
0:29
SPEAKER_01: We got the movie.
0:44
SPEAKER_04: Well, hello, my friends.
0:46
SPEAKER_04: Welcome back to the Elsa Kurt Show.
0:47
SPEAKER_04: I am Elsa Kurt, and as you can see, I am flying solo this week.
0:52
SPEAKER_04: There is no clay beside me.
0:54
SPEAKER_04: He's usually on one side or the other, and he is not.
0:56
SPEAKER_04: So uh that means it's just you and me.
0:59
SPEAKER_04: You ready?
1:00
SPEAKER_04: Okay, good.
1:01
SPEAKER_04: So um solo shows uh they kind of go a little bit differently than our regular episodes.
1:09
SPEAKER_04: Um, so if you were if you were tuning in for the weekly news update and rundown and all that good stuff, this is not the one.
1:18
SPEAKER_04: It's not what we're doing.
1:20
SPEAKER_04: But there's always a but, right?
1:22
SPEAKER_04: But uh, I'm gonna be doing a Friday wrap-up for the week on, well, I mean, obviously, on Fridays.
1:30
SPEAKER_04: It's gonna be at 12:30.
1:31
SPEAKER_04: So if you want to tune in for that, it's uh it's like five minutes on Friday.
1:35
SPEAKER_04: It's five minutes of your day.
1:37
SPEAKER_04: Can you get those five minutes back?
1:39
SPEAKER_04: I mean, no, you can't, but it's better than spending like a half hour or an hour or all day scrolling the news and getting all different versions of the same story, right?
1:50
SPEAKER_04: So, yeah, that's what we're doing.
1:52
SPEAKER_04: Fridays, five minutes of your life at 12:30.
1:55
SPEAKER_04: You'll be able to watch it anytime after that, but that's when I'm putting it out there, okay?
1:59
SPEAKER_04: Good, excellent.
2:00
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so our solo shows.
2:04
SPEAKER_04: What we like to do is we like to pick one topic, okay?
2:08
SPEAKER_04: And we are going to talk it to death.
2:10
SPEAKER_04: No, I'm just kidding.
2:10
SPEAKER_04: We're not gonna talk it to death.
2:12
SPEAKER_04: We're just gonna have one central theme and we are just gonna run buck wild with it.
2:16
SPEAKER_04: Does that sound good?
2:17
SPEAKER_04: I hope so.
2:18
SPEAKER_04: Because if not, you're just gonna scroll away and that will make me feel sad.
2:22
SPEAKER_04: You don't want to make me feel sad, do you?
2:24
SPEAKER_04: Come on now.
2:25
SPEAKER_04: You like that guilt tactic?
2:27
SPEAKER_04: I like guilt tactics.
2:28
SPEAKER_04: We can use them sometimes, right?
2:30
SPEAKER_04: Um, so anyhow, our topic for this week, our question is how, how, how, how, how do we deal with people who repeatedly take over conversations?
2:44
SPEAKER_04: And also, how do we notice when we're doing it ourselves?
2:49
SPEAKER_04: Good one?
2:49
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, of course it is.
2:51
SPEAKER_04: We'll talk about it right after this.
2:52
SPEAKER_02: You've heard the interview.
2:53
SPEAKER_02: Now learn how to be great on the other side of the mic.
2:57
SPEAKER_02: You have a story worth telling.
2:59
SPEAKER_02: Make sure you're ready when someone hands you the microphone.
3:02
SPEAKER_02: On the other side of the mic is a practical guide to becoming the kind of guest hosts want to interview and audiences remember.
3:08
SPEAKER_02: Coming soon, on the other side of the mic, the companion video course taking you from preparation and equipment to the interview itself, promotion, repurposing, and beyond.
3:18
SPEAKER_02: Are you an author, expert, or entrepreneur?
3:20
SPEAKER_02: Looking for media exposure?
3:22
SPEAKER_02: Interview opportunities on the Elsa Kurt Show are now available.
3:26
SPEAKER_02: Books, course, interviews.
3:29
SPEAKER_02: Visit Elsa Kurt.com to learn more.
3:32
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so have you ever shared something that you're like, I don't know, you're excited about, or maybe it's even something small, like I made macaroni and cheese from scratch yesterday, and 30 seconds later, you are like in the great American recipe debate or competition, right?
3:52
SPEAKER_04: And it's one you didn't sign up for.
3:54
SPEAKER_04: Like you weren't looking to compete with anybody.
3:57
SPEAKER_04: You just wanted to bring your macaroni and cheese to the table.
4:00
SPEAKER_04: I brought homemade from scratch, macaroni and cheese.
4:04
SPEAKER_04: Did you say macaroni and cheese?
4:05
SPEAKER_04: Uh-oh, that's so nice.
4:06
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I I should have brought my macaroni and cheese.
4:09
SPEAKER_04: Everybody always says that it's the best macaroni and cheese they've ever had in their lives.
4:14
SPEAKER_04: Oh, that's awesome.
4:17
SPEAKER_04: Literally everyone, they beg me to make it.
4:19
SPEAKER_04: I'm surprised you didn't ask me to make the macaroni and cheese.
4:23
SPEAKER_04: Anyhow, anyhow, I'm sure yours is really nice.
4:25
SPEAKER_04: But, you know, for me, what I like to do is I like to use locally sourced eggs, right?
4:31
SPEAKER_04: Sure, sure, sure.
4:32
SPEAKER_04: And and I only get organic flour.
4:35
SPEAKER_04: And well, yeah, I can give you the recipe.
4:36
SPEAKER_04: And then, you know, you can you can make I mean it won't be as good as mine.
4:40
SPEAKER_04: This is really hot.
4:41
SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna go put it down.
4:42
SPEAKER_04: But but I I can get you the recipe.
4:44
SPEAKER_04: Come uh Okay.
4:47
SPEAKER_04: So anyhow, I I do my macaroni and cheese, it's like award-winning.
4:51
SPEAKER_04: Listen, there are uh plenty of examples, right?
4:54
SPEAKER_04: You start telling a story and you realize like halfway through that you are no longer in the story, like it's been hijacked, right?
5:02
SPEAKER_04: It's like, I don't know, you say that you're you're tired, right?
5:06
SPEAKER_04: And they come back with, oh, they haven't slept since 1997.
5:11
SPEAKER_04: Or um, I don't know, if you just went on vacation, well, they know the guy who invented the beach, right?
5:19
SPEAKER_04: Yes, I'm exaggerating.
5:20
SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
5:21
SPEAKER_04: It's it's people who, if you say, Oh, geez, my my back is really hurting, they will tell you for like the next 20 minutes about their L7 or S1.
5:31
SPEAKER_04: I don't, I'm making, I don't even know.
5:32
SPEAKER_04: I don't know what those numbers are.
5:34
SPEAKER_04: Somebody knows.
5:34
SPEAKER_04: You can tell me in the comments.
5:35
SPEAKER_04: That's fine.
5:36
SPEAKER_04: But yeah, you know what I mean.
5:38
SPEAKER_04: Well, here's the thing there's actually a name for it.
5:41
SPEAKER_04: I might have made it up, I'm not sure.
5:43
SPEAKER_04: But if somebody else gets credit for it, you can give it to them.
5:46
SPEAKER_04: That's fine.
5:46
SPEAKER_04: But I'm calling them spotlight snatchers, okay?
5:50
SPEAKER_04: And because I love to overthink everything, I actually came up with four different types of spotlight snatchers.
6:00
SPEAKER_04: And fair warning, fair warning, you might be one of them.
6:06
SPEAKER_04: At least some of the time, we might be one of these.
6:09
SPEAKER_04: Ironically, here's a little bit about me.
6:12
SPEAKER_04: I am not one, believe it or not, who likes to share about my personal life or myself in in real life, or even on social media, really.
6:23
SPEAKER_04: I the the things that I choose to share and show on here are usually meant for either like comedic effect or or maybe they're things that somebody else might be able to relate to, and I can maybe help somebody.
6:38
SPEAKER_04: Like that's kind of the goal.
6:39
SPEAKER_04: Make them laugh, entertain, enlighten, hopefully, um, and just offer something good to serve, right?
6:47
SPEAKER_04: So I don't know, sharing is just not my thing.
6:50
SPEAKER_04: And and I sincerely wish that it was because that would make me much better at selling myself, quite frankly.
7:00
SPEAKER_04: Uh no, seriously, I have so many things that I should be trying to sell you from books to merchandise to so many things that I am working on or have worked on that I should be trying to promote, and I cannot get myself to do it because it's awkward and it's uncomfortable.
7:20
SPEAKER_04: That's a whole other conversation.
7:21
SPEAKER_04: But and and there's tons of other reasons for that.
7:24
SPEAKER_04: But the one that's relevant for today revolves around those stinking spotlight snatchers.
7:32
SPEAKER_04: I think I mentioned that there are, or I've created, named four different types of spotlight snatchers.
7:39
SPEAKER_04: And we're gonna talk about them right now and also what how to handle them, like what to do about them.
7:44
SPEAKER_03: Quick pause.
7:45
SPEAKER_03: Before we get into the four types of spotlight snatchers, be honest with yourself.
7:50
SPEAKER_03: As we go through them, keep a mental tally of which one you've been, not your mother-in-law, you.
7:57
SPEAKER_03: Then drop it in the comments.
7:58
SPEAKER_03: Hijacker, one upper, humble bragger, or know it all.
8:02
SPEAKER_03: And if you're not following the show yet, now's a great time so you don't miss part two of this conversation.
8:08
SPEAKER_03: Okay, let's get ready to meet our first snatcher.
8:11
SPEAKER_04: Okay?
8:12
SPEAKER_03: So the first one is the humble bragger.
8:17
SPEAKER_04: You know them, you love them, just maybe not as much as they love themselves, right?
8:24
SPEAKER_04: All right, that was a little harsh.
8:25
SPEAKER_04: That was maybe a little bit unfair and unkind.
8:28
SPEAKER_04: But it certainly seems that way when you're dealing with them, okay?
8:32
SPEAKER_04: Wait, what's the humble bragger, you ask?
8:35
SPEAKER_04: Hmm, here you go.
8:37
SPEAKER_04: I just went to Florida too.
8:38
SPEAKER_04: Where did you stay?
8:39
SPEAKER_04: Oh, an Airbnb.
8:40
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah.
8:41
SPEAKER_04: We stayed at a five-star hotel in the penthouse.
8:44
SPEAKER_04: It was comp to us because we know the owners, but you know, like whatever.
8:47
SPEAKER_04: Oh, you donated to the food bank.
8:49
SPEAKER_04: That's so sweet.
8:49
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I, you know, I volunteer there every week.
8:52
SPEAKER_04: I just like to, you know, I like to get in there with the people and, you know, and serve them, but it's, you know, it's not about me, it's about them.
8:58
SPEAKER_04: And there was this homeless guy, and I looked at him and I was like, here, you need this more than I do.
9:04
SPEAKER_04: Enjoy.
9:04
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
9:05
SPEAKER_04: And listen, it's not about me, it's about him.
9:07
SPEAKER_04: All right, so here's the thing about humble braggers.
9:10
SPEAKER_04: If we're being fair, if we're being kind, right, the thing about them is that they don't feel valued.
9:19
SPEAKER_04: Here's my this is my okay, listen.
9:21
SPEAKER_04: First of all, before I even go into this, this is just my opinion.
9:24
SPEAKER_04: I'm not a psychologist or any of those things.
9:28
SPEAKER_04: All personal observation and opinion.
9:31
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
9:32
SPEAKER_04: So just just so we're clear, I'm not an expert in this.
9:34
SPEAKER_04: This is just me thinking and saying things.
9:37
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
9:38
SPEAKER_04: Um, so anyhow, yeah, humble braggers, in my opinion, are people who who don't feel valued unless someone else is clapping for them, right?
9:49
SPEAKER_04: Like they need, they need the the applause to feel good, to feel important or valued.
9:55
SPEAKER_04: And, you know, we could, if we were psychologists, we could go, you know, deep into the psyche of somebody who feels that that need, that deep need and and has to constantly do that, right?
10:07
SPEAKER_04: When you do though, when you think about it, doesn't that change your perspective on it?
10:12
SPEAKER_04: Like instead of getting annoyed and frustrated and irritated with them and rolling your eyes at them, doesn't it kind of make you a little sad for them?
10:21
SPEAKER_04: And I actually like that.
10:23
SPEAKER_04: I think that's a really good thing.
10:25
SPEAKER_04: It's a better perspective, isn't it?
10:27
SPEAKER_04: It makes you more compassionate.
10:29
SPEAKER_04: It makes you view them a little bit more kindly and hopefully not get as aggravated.
10:35
SPEAKER_04: And that has worked for me to take that perspective.
10:39
SPEAKER_04: So, you know, that's gonna be kind of a theme here that we're we're gonna be doing a little perspective shift on these things, these people, these behaviors that frustrate the daylights out of us and putting a different spin on it and talking about how we can better handle those situations and those people, those types of people, right?
11:00
SPEAKER_04: All right, who do we have next?
11:01
SPEAKER_04: We have the hijacker.
11:03
SPEAKER_04: Hijackers love to steer every conversation back to them.
11:10
SPEAKER_04: If you start telling them about, I don't know, a sweet little incident that that happened when you volunteered at church last week, they will somehow turn that into a full-length feature documentary on how when they volunteered, the same thing happened to them, except it was even sweeter.
11:29
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
11:30
SPEAKER_04: These are the folks that if if they ask you about your trip to, I don't know, Arizona, they will almost immediately, before your sentence is even complete, they will swoop in and they will start telling you about their trip to Greece.
11:49
SPEAKER_04: So what do we even do with the hijacker?
11:51
SPEAKER_04: Do we hijack the conversation right back?
11:53
SPEAKER_04: Do we let them just take over and run with the conversation?
11:58
SPEAKER_04: What do we do?
11:59
SPEAKER_04: And I really that that's a genuine question.
12:01
SPEAKER_04: I would love to know in in the comments um what what you do, how you handle that, because I don't think that I handle it very well.
12:09
SPEAKER_04: I think I do a really lousy job of handling it, to be perfectly honest.
12:13
SPEAKER_04: Um, what I do is I completely clam up.
12:17
SPEAKER_04: I stop talking, I let them hijack the conversation.
12:22
SPEAKER_04: And inside, I seethe.
12:24
SPEAKER_04: I get kind of mad.
12:25
SPEAKER_04: I get pretty mad.
12:26
SPEAKER_04: I get really mad.
12:27
SPEAKER_04: I seethe.
12:28
SPEAKER_04: I think that's summed it up, right?
12:30
SPEAKER_04: Um I I don't know what to do with that.
12:33
SPEAKER_04: And I want to get better at at handling that.
12:37
SPEAKER_04: And I know there's this side of me, the mature grown-up side of me, that that can pause and reflect on it and think of the right things, not necessarily to say, but the right things to feel about it.
12:49
SPEAKER_04: But in that moment, I do a terrible job of it.
12:52
SPEAKER_04: And I walk away uh deflated, you know, frustrated and and disappointed, frankly.
12:58
SPEAKER_04: So I guess one of the things that we can do when that happens is you can call it out, right?
13:05
SPEAKER_04: You can you can hit them with a pause button, that good old pause button, and say, you know what?
13:11
SPEAKER_04: I really, I really do want to hear about your trip or your experience, whatever it is.
13:16
SPEAKER_04: I really do want to hear about that.
13:18
SPEAKER_04: Let me just finish this thought.
13:19
SPEAKER_04: I don't know if I can do that.
13:21
SPEAKER_04: Like I know that that is the right way to do it, or at least one of the right ways to do it.
13:26
SPEAKER_04: I just don't know if I'm capable.
13:28
SPEAKER_04: So it's it's gonna be something I'm gonna work on.
13:31
SPEAKER_04: I'll I'll come back around at some point and let you know how I'm doing on it.
13:34
SPEAKER_04: I don't know if I have high hopes.
13:36
SPEAKER_04: You know, I'm an old dog and it's hard to teach me new tricks.
13:38
SPEAKER_04: But um, yeah, I I'm gonna try.
13:41
SPEAKER_04: So you tell me, you tell me if that's something you have or would or will try to do, or if you have another, another idea, a different idea that might be better or just as good or completely different.
13:55
SPEAKER_04: Um, but yeah, my way of handling that these days in my adulthood is to simply stop.
14:01
SPEAKER_04: I'm done.
14:02
SPEAKER_04: Like I tried to share with you.
14:03
SPEAKER_04: You asked me.
14:04
SPEAKER_04: I think that's where I get the most, that's where my frustration comes in.
14:08
SPEAKER_04: You asked me.
14:10
SPEAKER_04: Like I don't get it.
14:11
SPEAKER_04: Like you asked me.
14:12
SPEAKER_04: I didn't even volunteer it.
14:14
SPEAKER_04: I didn't come up to you and say, hey, let me tell you about my trip to Arizona.
14:18
SPEAKER_04: I just said hi.
14:19
SPEAKER_04: And you maybe saw, saw that I went on a trip.
14:22
SPEAKER_04: Maybe you saw it on Facebook or something, and you're asking me.
14:25
SPEAKER_04: And the minute I start to tell you, you interject with your own story.
14:29
SPEAKER_04: I just don't get it.
14:30
SPEAKER_04: I don't get it.
14:31
SPEAKER_04: Not in the moment, I don't.
14:33
SPEAKER_04: On reflection, I do kind of get it.
14:35
SPEAKER_04: You know, obviously all of these things come from certain internal lacking or needs from people, right?
14:43
SPEAKER_04: So yeah, I don't know.
14:44
SPEAKER_04: I want to hear what you do, how you handle it, help me handle it better.
14:47
SPEAKER_04: This is a team effort, guys.
14:49
SPEAKER_04: We are working together to be better.
14:52
SPEAKER_04: I feel like that should be a slogan.
14:54
SPEAKER_04: Working together to be better.
14:55
SPEAKER_04: Don't steal that from me.
14:56
SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna use that for something, okay?
14:58
SPEAKER_04: Good.
14:59
SPEAKER_04: Somebody's gonna steal it.
15:00
SPEAKER_04: It probably already exists, doesn't it?
15:02
SPEAKER_04: It's okay.
15:02
SPEAKER_04: It's okay.
15:03
SPEAKER_04: I feel like some campaign, some political campaign slogan already has used that, and I will research it.
15:08
SPEAKER_04: So maybe you can you can do it faster because I'm right in the middle of talking here.
15:12
SPEAKER_04: You can research it faster.
15:13
SPEAKER_04: Go ahead and put it in the comments if somebody else did it.
15:15
SPEAKER_04: Okay, good.
15:16
SPEAKER_04: Thank you.
15:16
SPEAKER_04: Um, who do we have next?
15:18
SPEAKER_04: I don't even know who we have next.
15:19
SPEAKER_04: See, I sidetrack, I go off the rails, I don't have clay next to me to keep me in line.
15:24
SPEAKER_04: This is what happens, and it's okay.
15:27
SPEAKER_04: Breathe.
15:28
SPEAKER_04: All right, who do we have next?
15:30
SPEAKER_04: Oh, oh, we have we have the uh we have the one upper next.
15:35
SPEAKER_04: Oh, that guy.
15:36
SPEAKER_04: That guy.
15:38
SPEAKER_04: No matter what you say, they have done it bigger and better.
15:43
SPEAKER_04: Sorry, just came back from a walk.
15:44
SPEAKER_04: It's brisk out there.
15:45
SPEAKER_04: Oh, did you?
15:46
SPEAKER_04: I did a 10-mile hike yesterday morning.
15:49
SPEAKER_04: It was amazing.
15:50
SPEAKER_04: You should try it sometime.
15:51
SPEAKER_04: Oh, that uh that's amazing.
15:53
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I I only do the 10-mile walk.
15:56
SPEAKER_04: That's it.
15:57
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah.
15:58
SPEAKER_04: I mean, I mean, you didn't let me finish.
16:00
SPEAKER_04: I I did a 10-mile hike and then I did another 15 miles on on the stationary bike.
16:05
SPEAKER_04: So, you know, it's it's more.
16:08
SPEAKER_04: Wow.
16:09
SPEAKER_04: Well, that's that's that is you're right.
16:11
SPEAKER_04: That is definitely more.
16:12
SPEAKER_04: I, you know, I I I just do like three days a week just to, you know, get that heart pumping.
16:17
SPEAKER_04: Three times a week, that's nice.
16:18
SPEAKER_04: I I do it five, five, uh, five times a week.
16:20
SPEAKER_04: I do.
16:21
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
16:23
SPEAKER_04: That is uh that's terrific.
16:26
SPEAKER_04: Every every week.
16:27
SPEAKER_04: Right?
16:27
SPEAKER_04: You know who I'm talking about.
16:29
SPEAKER_04: Don't name names.
16:30
SPEAKER_04: Do not drop any name.
16:31
SPEAKER_04: Seriously, do not drop any names in the comments section about the people that do this to you.
16:37
SPEAKER_04: This is a conversation you have with them one-on-one.
16:40
SPEAKER_04: You don't need to call them out, okay?
16:42
SPEAKER_04: Come on now.
16:43
SPEAKER_04: But yeah, yeah, that's the guy or gal, whichever.
16:47
SPEAKER_04: But that's the guy that's like, you say, Hey, I just ran my first 5K.
16:51
SPEAKER_04: I'm so excited.
16:52
SPEAKER_04: And they're like, that's so cute.
16:54
SPEAKER_04: I did Iron Man in the desert with no water.
16:57
SPEAKER_04: So, you know, I mean, good for you though.
16:59
SPEAKER_04: All right, here's a grace-filled perspective for it.
17:04
SPEAKER_04: They are not trying to squash my joy on purpose or your joy.
17:11
SPEAKER_04: They just feel the need to, I don't know, prove themselves even when no one asked.
17:17
SPEAKER_04: And again, that's sad.
17:19
SPEAKER_04: That's sad.
17:20
SPEAKER_04: They are lacking in that kind of praise and approval for their accomplishments, or at least they feel that way.
17:26
SPEAKER_04: Maybe they're not actually, but they feel that way.
17:29
SPEAKER_04: So there's something going on internally, right?
17:32
SPEAKER_04: So here's what I can do.
17:33
SPEAKER_04: Here's what you can do.
17:35
SPEAKER_04: We can celebrate our own wins without needing their approval.
17:39
SPEAKER_04: How about that?
17:40
SPEAKER_04: We can work on that in ourselves because if we're sharing it, we want the we want the applause.
17:45
SPEAKER_04: We want the pat on the back, right?
17:47
SPEAKER_04: So we need to work on not needing that kind of approval or, you know, pat on the back because we already have like the greatest cheerleader on the planet, well, outside of the planet in the universe.
18:03
SPEAKER_04: And then, of course, is God.
18:05
SPEAKER_04: We already have somebody in our corner that is cheering us on and applauding us constantly, constantly, and also correcting us when we're going wrong.
18:14
SPEAKER_04: But we're on the cheerleader part here, right?
18:17
SPEAKER_04: If we are resting in knowing who is the most proud of us and and happy for us, it's kind of like, eh, whatever.
18:27
SPEAKER_04: I don't need that anymore.
18:29
SPEAKER_04: I don't need to toot my own horn.
18:31
SPEAKER_04: I don't need to clap, you know, I don't need to have everyone clapping for me.
18:36
SPEAKER_04: And it's certainly nice.
18:37
SPEAKER_04: Don't get me wrong.
18:38
SPEAKER_04: It feels so good.
18:39
SPEAKER_04: We're only human, guys.
18:41
SPEAKER_04: We're, we're just, it's just in our DNA to seek out approval.
18:45
SPEAKER_04: But if we just, if we direct it in the right direction, I think our perspective changes quite a bit, right?
18:53
SPEAKER_04: Okay, we've got one more, I think, right?
18:55
SPEAKER_04: Who do we have?
18:56
SPEAKER_04: Um, oh, we have the know it all.
18:58
SPEAKER_04: Oh, the know it all.
18:59
SPEAKER_04: Oh, they're so fun, aren't they?
19:00
SPEAKER_04: The know it all is the one that if you say, I don't know, something like, Hey, I just um, I just came up with this new recipe for whatever.
19:09
SPEAKER_04: I don't know why I'm I'm hungry.
19:11
SPEAKER_04: That's why I'm on food.
19:12
SPEAKER_04: At first it was the mac and cheese.
19:13
SPEAKER_04: Now we're on a recipe.
19:14
SPEAKER_04: I'm hungry, okay?
19:16
SPEAKER_04: Um, but yeah, you're like, hey, try my new recipe.
19:19
SPEAKER_04: I made this thing, whatever the heck it is.
19:22
SPEAKER_04: And they're like, oh, you know, the way I do this recipe, the way I make it is amazing.
19:31
SPEAKER_04: And if you make it like this, it'll be so much better.
19:33
SPEAKER_04: Or if you're, I don't know, doing something, whatever, and they come in and they have a better way to do it.
19:38
SPEAKER_04: Like that's the thing.
19:39
SPEAKER_04: That's the vibe.
19:40
SPEAKER_04: They always have a better, more efficient, more interesting, more whatever way of doing everything.
19:50
SPEAKER_04: But here's the truth about people like this they are people who just want to feel useful and needed.
19:59
SPEAKER_04: It just tends to come out as controlling and condescending and infuriating, right?
20:06
SPEAKER_04: And honestly, I think because my little oppositional defiance thing that I have, I think this is the one that maybe irritates me the most.
20:15
SPEAKER_04: So it's probably the one I need to work on the most as far as how to deal with it.
20:20
SPEAKER_04: Um, I think what I need to do is I need to be more gracious and thank them and kindly hold my ground, right?
20:31
SPEAKER_04: Is that a way we can handle it?
20:32
SPEAKER_04: I think that's the way we can handle it.
20:34
SPEAKER_04: So we thank them.
20:35
SPEAKER_04: Thank you.
20:36
SPEAKER_04: That is great.
20:37
SPEAKER_04: It sounds your recipe sounds amazing.
20:40
SPEAKER_04: I might try that one time.
20:42
SPEAKER_04: Right now, I'm loving mine.
20:43
SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
20:43
SPEAKER_04: I mean, something along those lines.
20:45
SPEAKER_04: You think that'll work?
20:47
SPEAKER_04: Somebody give it a try.
20:49
SPEAKER_04: Yes, I'm gonna try it too, okay?
20:51
SPEAKER_04: But if I can, if I can do that, that will be pretty, pretty good.
20:55
SPEAKER_04: Listen, if I can do that and and not do it through like clenched teeth, that will be pretty good.
21:03
SPEAKER_04: So I'm I'm gonna work on it, okay?
21:05
SPEAKER_04: And if you need to work on it too, work on it.
21:07
SPEAKER_04: Tell me how it goes, okay.
21:09
SPEAKER_04: Um, so yeah, that is all for spotlight snatchers that I can think of.
21:14
SPEAKER_04: Maybe you can think of more.
21:15
SPEAKER_04: Maybe there's other kinds.
21:16
SPEAKER_04: If you want to put them in the comments, go for it.
21:18
SPEAKER_04: I would love to hear your your thoughts.
21:21
SPEAKER_04: But I I gotta tell you, the thing that actually frustrates me the most is that these things frustrate me like they do.
21:33
SPEAKER_04: Like I know better.
21:34
SPEAKER_04: I know better.
21:35
SPEAKER_04: My my personal philosophy is that I don't compete with anyone but myself.
21:44
SPEAKER_04: So why do I get so annoyed?
21:45
SPEAKER_04: Why do I let these things get to me?
21:47
SPEAKER_04: Why do I get so so mad and so frustrated about them?
21:50
SPEAKER_04: But I mean, uh the simple answer is because I'm human, because we all are human and we just react to things the way that we react.
22:00
SPEAKER_04: Because of our own perspectives, our own life experiences, our own internal things and triggers.
22:09
SPEAKER_04: And I know I don't like using that word either because you know the woke mob kind of ruined it.
22:14
SPEAKER_04: Or maybe they created it.
22:15
SPEAKER_04: I don't even know.
22:16
SPEAKER_04: But I get frustrated with myself because I want to be better at confronting these issues head on, addressing them in the moment instead of doing what I do, which is withdraw and quiet down and walk away.
22:33
SPEAKER_04: I mean, I I have walked away from relationships and friendships and relatives even, um, without even giving an explanation as to why.
22:44
SPEAKER_04: And it's just that quiet withdrawal.
22:47
SPEAKER_04: And I I try and tell myself it's like I do the outside voice thing, which is, hey, listen, it's all good.
22:53
SPEAKER_04: They just need the appra they just need the approval more than I do.
22:56
SPEAKER_04: And that's okay.
22:56
SPEAKER_04: I'm fine with that.
22:57
SPEAKER_04: But I'm not, I'm not fine with that because I pull away and I withdraw and I walk away.
23:02
SPEAKER_04: And that's actually pretty petty, really.
23:04
SPEAKER_04: And it's not problem solving.
23:06
SPEAKER_04: So I and doing that, it kind of hurts me more than it hurts them, right?
23:11
SPEAKER_04: I'm the one with the internal friction and frustration and disappointment and hurt, hurt feelings.
23:17
SPEAKER_04: Like it does hurt your feelings.
23:18
SPEAKER_04: Like I I'll be honest with you, I I have a person in my life, and of course they're gonna go unnamed, that I spend very little time with.
23:28
SPEAKER_04: And it's because I had to be petty and I had this contest that I did where I decided that, listen, this person never asks me how I'm doing, what's going on with me, what's happening in my life.
23:43
SPEAKER_04: They never ask.
23:44
SPEAKER_04: And once I noticed that that was a pattern, that that was a thing, I decided to make it a contest of how long can we go without this person asking me anything.
23:56
SPEAKER_04: And my not contributing anything about myself to them, you know, not volunteering anything.
24:02
SPEAKER_04: And um, I kid you not, we're on a year.
24:05
SPEAKER_04: We're on a year.
24:06
SPEAKER_04: And this is a person in my life that you just you can't cross, you don't, you just, I'm not crossing out of my life.
24:12
SPEAKER_04: This is somebody I regularly engage with.
24:14
SPEAKER_04: And for the past year, I have offered them absolutely nothing about myself, my life, my my hopes, my dreams, my goings on.
24:24
SPEAKER_04: Nothing.
24:24
SPEAKER_04: I tell them nothing, and they never ask a year, a full year of knowing someone who has never once asked what's up is crazy, isn't it?
24:39
SPEAKER_04: It's crazy.
24:40
SPEAKER_04: It still blows my mind.
24:41
SPEAKER_04: It blows my mind every day to not ask about what's going on in somebody's life.
24:46
SPEAKER_04: And here's the reality that's just as much my fault as it is their fault.
24:53
SPEAKER_04: They're they are at fault for not asking.
24:55
SPEAKER_04: I am at fault for not finding out why they're not asking.
24:59
SPEAKER_04: What's going on with you?
25:00
SPEAKER_04: Why aren't you?
25:02
SPEAKER_04: I notice you never ask about what's going on in my life.
25:07
SPEAKER_04: Why is that?
25:08
SPEAKER_04: Ooh, talk about uncomfortable conversation.
25:11
SPEAKER_04: I mean, there's the root for me, personally.
25:13
SPEAKER_04: For me, there's the root.
25:14
SPEAKER_04: I don't like uncomfortable conversation, which I know is really ironic because I'm having a really one-way uncomfortable conversation right here, right?
25:23
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that's a thing.
25:24
SPEAKER_04: This is okay for me.
25:25
SPEAKER_04: This is easy because there's nobody talking back.
25:27
SPEAKER_04: I mean, you will in the comments, I hope.
25:29
SPEAKER_04: Um, but that, ooh, I am not good with conflict.
25:32
SPEAKER_04: That may surprise you.
25:34
SPEAKER_04: I am not comfortable with it.
25:36
SPEAKER_04: I am the person that would rather walk away than have conflict.
25:40
SPEAKER_04: And that is not good, my friends.
25:42
SPEAKER_04: Conflict is okay.
25:43
SPEAKER_04: We need to get comfortable in conflict when it's constructive, when it's healthy, and when it's good.
25:49
SPEAKER_04: I'm not talking about a fight.
25:50
SPEAKER_04: I'm talking about conflict.
25:53
SPEAKER_04: They're two different things, right?
25:55
SPEAKER_04: You can have conflict without fighting.
25:56
SPEAKER_04: You can have disagreement without fighting.
25:59
SPEAKER_04: That is something I personally need to work on.
26:02
SPEAKER_04: Maybe you recognize yourself in in some of this, all of this, any of this.
26:07
SPEAKER_04: And if you do, I hope this, I hope this helps you.
26:11
SPEAKER_04: I hope this helps you turn that spotlight, not the spotlight snatcher, but the spotlight on yourself in that internal sense.
26:19
SPEAKER_04: Like, why am I reacting the way that I am?
26:21
SPEAKER_04: Why does this bother me as much as it does?
26:23
SPEAKER_04: And what am I doing about it?
26:25
SPEAKER_04: Like those are the questions that I hope we're asking ourselves.
26:30
SPEAKER_04: I know it's the question I need to ask myself.
26:32
SPEAKER_04: I know it's something I need to improve on, get better at, and um yeah, just do better, respond better.
26:42
SPEAKER_04: You know, one of my favorite books, I've talked about it um uh plenty of times, I'm sure.
26:47
SPEAKER_04: Um, but one of my favorite books that helps me when I remember these lessons is The Four Agreements.
26:54
SPEAKER_04: If you know the book, um say so in the comments.
26:57
SPEAKER_04: If you've read the book, if you love it, if you didn't love it, let me know too.
27:01
SPEAKER_04: But um one of maybe even the first one, I forget the no, it's not the first one.
27:06
SPEAKER_04: Be impeccable in your word, I think it's the first one.
27:08
SPEAKER_04: Um, but take nothing personally, I think that's the second one.
27:12
SPEAKER_04: Take nothing personal.
27:14
SPEAKER_04: Ooh, that's a tough one, but it's so good.
27:18
SPEAKER_04: It's so true.
27:20
SPEAKER_04: If you stop taking everything personally as directed at you, even when it feels and looks and sounds like it's directed at you, it never actually is.
27:34
SPEAKER_04: It may be about somebody's perception of you.
27:37
SPEAKER_04: It may be um, it may sound, like I said, directed at you.
27:42
SPEAKER_04: They may be talking directly at you, saying you, blah, blah, blah, but it's actually just their internal things.
27:52
SPEAKER_04: It's their whole, um, I don't know, whether it's upbringing or it's life experiences, or the the five minutes before they even talk to you, where something went wrong and they got their feelings hurt about something, or they were, you know, yelled at about something, or whatever.
28:10
SPEAKER_04: Like you don't know what happened five minutes before, the morning before you sat down with them or sat across from them.
28:17
SPEAKER_04: So whatever they're reacting to, to you, with you, from you, may have actually nothing to do with you.
28:24
SPEAKER_04: And the second you step back and you stop saying to yourself, well, this is all about me, this is directed at me, how this is making me feel, there's something else going on there.
28:36
SPEAKER_04: And I'm not saying that everybody gets a pass.
28:39
SPEAKER_04: This isn't about giving people a pass for bad behavior.
28:43
SPEAKER_04: Um, but this is simply about taking the pause and giving that grace and stepping back for a moment and saying, hang on, there might be more going on here.
28:52
SPEAKER_04: And hopefully what that does is help us respond better.
28:57
SPEAKER_04: You know, so instead of giving a response that invites a fight or um distance, you know, emotional distance from that person, um, you actually bring, you draw them in, you help them drop their guard because listen, we all have a lot of walls up, don't we?
29:14
SPEAKER_04: And I know in particular, those four types of spotlight um spotlight snatchers, they have a lot of walls up.
29:23
SPEAKER_04: There's a lot of defenses that are going on that they are in some type of self-preservation mode.
29:30
SPEAKER_04: Like, I didn't get these things that I need, so I'm just gonna take them.
29:34
SPEAKER_04: And that's kind of like the maybe the core of why they do what they do.
29:38
SPEAKER_04: Like they just their experiences led them to a place where they feel that they have to take the spotlight, just so they can get a spotlight at all.
29:48
SPEAKER_04: And hopefully that makes us feel compassionate towards them, right?
29:52
SPEAKER_04: So that's the goal today.
29:54
SPEAKER_04: That was the whole point of today.
29:55
SPEAKER_04: Yes, I posed the question um, you know, about the spotlight snatchers, but the question is really how how we can handle those, those moments, those tough moments, and where we can find grace in them for others and for ourselves.
30:11
SPEAKER_04: Like we got to give ourselves some grace to recognize when we're doing it, which may be harder, actually, it totally is harder than recognizing when somebody else is doing it, because we can see what everybody else is doing, crystal clear, right?
30:22
SPEAKER_04: Oh, we see that no problem.
30:24
SPEAKER_04: We can point those faults and flaws out without a drop of difficulty.
30:30
SPEAKER_04: But can we see them in ourselves, right?
30:33
SPEAKER_04: I am absolutely positive, without even being able to give you one specific example.
30:38
SPEAKER_04: I'm absolutely positive that I have been guilty of at least one of those.
30:43
SPEAKER_04: Or at the very, very, very least, wanting to do one of those things, wanting, you know, waiting impatiently for my turn to share, you know, not really listening to the person across from me and what they have to say and and what they have going on, and simply just sitting there nodding my head, only thinking about my turn.
31:04
SPEAKER_04: Like, hurry up and finish.
31:05
SPEAKER_04: Like inside your head, or you know, you're at the outside, you're like, hmm, interesting.
31:08
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, right.
31:10
SPEAKER_04: And but inside, all you're doing is waiting for your turn.
31:13
SPEAKER_04: Come on now.
31:14
SPEAKER_04: We've all been guilty.
31:15
SPEAKER_04: I know I'm guilty of that, um, for sure.
31:17
SPEAKER_04: So I think we're gonna, I think we're gonna close out with um a challenge, right?
31:23
SPEAKER_04: Let's challenge ourselves um because a good conversation has room for two people, right?
31:28
SPEAKER_04: We know that.
31:29
SPEAKER_04: That's the obvious.
31:30
SPEAKER_04: A good conversation involves two or more people.
31:36
SPEAKER_04: So here's what we have to do.
31:38
SPEAKER_04: Okay, here's our challenge, or at least one of our challenges.
31:41
SPEAKER_04: I might have more than that, yeah.
31:42
SPEAKER_04: Our challenge is to ask two follow-up questions to a story.
31:49
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
31:50
SPEAKER_04: So your friend, your cousin, your sister, your mother, whoever is telling you a story, instead of nodding your head, making the right little mm-hmm sounds and thinking about what you want to talk about, instead, I want you to think of two questions, two follow-up questions that you can ask them about what they just shared with you.
32:11
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
32:12
SPEAKER_04: I think we can do it.
32:12
SPEAKER_04: We can do that.
32:14
SPEAKER_04: And, you know, hopefully the goal here is obviously to be better.
32:18
SPEAKER_04: Um, but the secondary goal is to, you know, hopefully encourage them, like lead by example, right?
32:23
SPEAKER_04: That's what we can do.
32:24
SPEAKER_04: Lead by example, show interest, get those guards, you know, those walls to to drop down a little bit and let them feel like you're a comfortable place for them to just be themselves, to just relax into the conversation and not feel competitive because they're not fighting you for time.
32:45
SPEAKER_04: You've just given them the time.
32:47
SPEAKER_04: And maybe they'll reciprocate and maybe they won't.
32:51
SPEAKER_04: And our task is to be okay with that.
32:53
SPEAKER_04: Be okay with it.
32:54
SPEAKER_04: Call it out if you think it needs to be called out.
32:57
SPEAKER_04: Hey, I loved hearing your story.
32:58
SPEAKER_04: I'd love to share with you mine now.
33:01
SPEAKER_04: Okay, and lastly, it's not a challenge.
33:04
SPEAKER_04: We had one challenge for the end of the show here.
33:06
SPEAKER_04: Um, but the last thing I'd like to ask you, do I know I ask you a lot to engage in the comments, and that's because this is the only way we can have this conversation.
33:15
SPEAKER_04: I run my mouth here in front of the camera, and you get to say your piece, your part in the comment section.
33:22
SPEAKER_04: So, yes, I do ask you a lot to drop a comment to uh add your thoughts in here.
33:27
SPEAKER_04: And I really do genuinely want to hear them.
33:31
SPEAKER_04: So um, just for fun, tell me in the comments which one of those spotlight snatchers gets you every time, gets under your skin.
33:40
SPEAKER_04: And it's okay, no judgment.
33:41
SPEAKER_04: We all have when I told you mine.
33:43
SPEAKER_04: Um, so is it the humble bragger?
33:45
SPEAKER_04: Is it the one upper?
33:47
SPEAKER_04: Is it the uh what are the other ones?
33:49
SPEAKER_04: I always forget, or the hijacker or the unsolicited expert?
33:53
SPEAKER_04: Which one gets under your skin the most?
33:56
SPEAKER_04: And if you want to tell us, tell us why.
33:58
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
33:59
SPEAKER_04: All right.
34:00
SPEAKER_04: I thank you for tuning in.
34:01
SPEAKER_04: Um, and listen, if you guys are looking for a good word to start your week every week, we are doing our Monday uplift post at 8 a.m.
34:11
SPEAKER_04: every Monday.
34:12
SPEAKER_04: It's just that that week reset button where we can start with just a fresh thought, a uplifting story, whatever, whatever I come with, come up with for the week.
34:24
SPEAKER_04: Um, that's what the 8 a.m.
34:27
SPEAKER_04: Monday post is going to be about.
34:28
SPEAKER_04: So I hope you come check it out and uh show it some love, share it with a friend, share it with somebody who needs it.
34:33
SPEAKER_04: You know, somebody besides you might be needing that reset button.
34:38
SPEAKER_04: So let's do it together, okay?
34:40
SPEAKER_04: All right, we will see you next week.
34:41
SPEAKER_04: I should have Clay with me next week again, and we will get down to regular business and uh take care.
34:47
SPEAKER_04: Take it easy, guys.
34:48
SPEAKER_04: Bye.
34:48
SPEAKER_00: This has been the Elsa Kurt Show, where we talk truth with grace and a little bit of stats.
34:53
SPEAKER_00: If today's episode made you think, laugh, or pray, pass it on.
34:57
SPEAKER_00: Share it with a friend, leave a comment, and follow the show wherever you listen or watch.
35:01
SPEAKER_00: New episodes every week, and don't miss the Monday uplift every Monday morning at 8.
35:06
SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay bold, stay kind, and remember the world may be a mess, but Jesus is still on the throne.