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Transcript

Playing anthropologist · An ASMR Practice

0:02
Speaker 1: Good morning. Good morning. East coast at the next stop.
0:08
Speaker 1: Oh great. Turn right. Oh great. The problem is if
0:12
Speaker 1: I turn this off, am I going to get lost? Okay.
0:16
Speaker 1: I'm going to try my best to multitask here. I
0:25
Speaker 1: got a lot in my brain. You know, I'm not
0:33
Speaker 1: a kind of person, I don't really like to assign, like,
0:40
Speaker 1: this is good, this is evil. Like, I think most
0:42
Speaker 1: things are probably somewhere in the middle. And part of
0:46
Speaker 1: me is just, I'm at a stage in my life
0:49
Speaker 1: where I don't want to take this stuff so seriously.
0:53
Speaker 1: Straight up. Like. But you know, there's some stuff that's
1:00
Speaker 1: like really ticking me off. And then there's some other
1:02
Speaker 1: stuff that's like really making me feel like loved and
1:05
Speaker 1: cared for. And I think something that really ticks me
1:08
Speaker 1: off is like, and I want to be super careful.
1:13
Speaker 1: I want to be super careful. I don't want to
1:14
Speaker 1: like negatively forecast anything. So this is all just history.
1:17
Speaker 1: I think I'm done theorizing because unfortunately when I theorize,
1:23
Speaker 1: it becomes like a prophecy. Um, And yeah, I, I did,
1:35
Speaker 1: you know, I do believe in prayer and I did pray.
1:39
Speaker 1: And so this is sort of like the closest thing
1:41
Speaker 1: I'm getting to any kind of theorizing or prophesizing. Like,
1:45
Speaker 1: I don't, I don't want to forecast anything. I'm talking
1:49
Speaker 1: about history. I'm trying to figure out, I'm not really
1:52
Speaker 1: trying to figure anything out, actually. I think I just
1:55
Speaker 1: got to get it off my chest. so I feel
2:06
Speaker 1: like I have sort of four I have four case
2:11
Speaker 1: studies let's call them of men of men in my
2:16
Speaker 1: life um one of them it's sort of like we
2:21
Speaker 1: have like a shared child basically um we have a
2:27
Speaker 1: pet together and the pet injured himself and it was
2:31
Speaker 1: kind of my fault but it was mostly his fault
2:33
Speaker 1: like not not my not my co-parent but my the
2:38
Speaker 1: pet the freaking pet freaking Carlos hurt himself it was
2:46
Speaker 1: kind of my fault because I let him out at
2:47
Speaker 1: night um and so this is sort of a situation
2:53
Speaker 1: where I'm praying a lot on it. I'm just really
2:56
Speaker 1: praying a lot on it because I don't know what
2:58
Speaker 1: else to do. Like, I fear... I fear that me
3:06
Speaker 1: and this guy are extremely similar. And I think it
3:15
Speaker 1: was very easy to be with this guy because I didn't... Like,
3:24
Speaker 1: all of my little slip-ups that, like, normally, you know, like,
3:27
Speaker 1: people at my college, for example. I went to an
3:29
Speaker 1: extremely liberal college. Like, extremely liberal. Like, one of the
3:35
Speaker 1: most liberal colleges probably ever. And, you know, like, the
3:40
Speaker 1: kind of things that, like, the woke culture, you know,
3:45
Speaker 1: scrutinized me for a lot. It's like, this all got
3:48
Speaker 1: to pass with this guy. Like, I could slip up.
3:53
Speaker 1: And he thought it was funny. And ultimately, I think...
4:00
Speaker 1: I think we made a lot of really insensitive jokes,
4:02
Speaker 1: and we sort of, like, did some world-building. Like, imaginary
4:07
Speaker 1: world-building that was, like, pretty, like, problematic, honestly. Just because, like,
4:12
Speaker 1: he didn't care, and then I was kind of like, wow,
4:15
Speaker 1: I've never... I've never really been close to someone who
4:18
Speaker 1: doesn't care. Like, or who thinks that it's, like, okay
4:22
Speaker 1: and funny to, like, joke about these kinds of things.
4:26
Speaker 1: And it was kind of a relief. Like, I honestly
4:28
Speaker 1: think it did heal something in me emotionally just to, like,
4:32
Speaker 1: let it out. Like, to just laugh about, like, horrific shit.
4:39
Speaker 1: And it's, like, yeah, it's, like, pretty insensitive and probably problematic.
4:45
Speaker 1: And what else am I supposed to do with this information? Like,
4:49
Speaker 1: what else am I supposed to do with the guilt
4:52
Speaker 1: and the, like, existential, like, shame? What am I supposed
4:56
Speaker 1: to do with it? So it was nice to let
4:59
Speaker 1: it out, but I just feel like... Now that it's over,
5:04
Speaker 1: it's like I am kind of scared. I'm kind of
5:08
Speaker 1: scared of, like... Because I just... I see a lot
5:13
Speaker 1: of myself in him, and I know that I... I
5:16
Speaker 1: know that I am capable of being extremely vicious. I
5:19
Speaker 1: have been. And unfortunately, I have enjoyed it. Like, I
5:28
Speaker 1: do have a pretty intense sense of humor. And like,
5:35
Speaker 1: you know, there are moral questions you could ask about comedy.
5:42
Speaker 1: I had a whole class on this in college. There
5:45
Speaker 1: are moral questions you could ask. Like, are you punching
5:47
Speaker 1: up or are you punching down? And when I look
5:52
Speaker 1: at my life, it's like, I don't even know who
5:54
Speaker 1: I could punch up. I don't know who's above me.
5:57
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I do. And I do. I do
6:02
Speaker 1: think I punch up. And I probably also punch down.
6:09
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know. So there's just, I just,
6:12
Speaker 1: I pray. I pray with this one guy. I pray
6:14
Speaker 1: so much because I'm just like, yikes. I thought we
6:20
Speaker 1: were just going to like have fun forever. I thought
6:23
Speaker 1: we were going to like just joke around and like
6:25
Speaker 1: have fun forever. And then, and then I was like, wait,
6:31
Speaker 1: I'm not so sure that. I'm like, I think we
6:35
Speaker 1: need friends outside of each other. And so I started
6:38
Speaker 1: doing it. And then he was not really doing it.
6:43
Speaker 1: And I was like, come on, guy. We gotta have
6:46
Speaker 1: friends outside of each other. I know that this is
6:50
Speaker 1: fun and all, but... We gotta, like, we gotta have
6:56
Speaker 1: other connections. Like, we cannot be each other's only thing
6:59
Speaker 1: because we're kind of making each other worse, dude. Like,
7:03
Speaker 1: we're kind of making each other way worse. And I
7:08
Speaker 1: take part of the blame, for sure. Okay, so case
7:14
Speaker 1: study two. This is, like, a blood relative. I saw
7:20
Speaker 1: this person's advice a couple times. I... I was really,
7:27
Speaker 1: I was really sleep deprived one day and I think
7:33
Speaker 1: I was just, I was really faithful and like an
7:36
Speaker 1: easy answer to the situation where like, essentially I thought
7:39
Speaker 1: I was being pranked. Like there was so much synchronicity
7:43
Speaker 1: and yeah, let's just put it like that. There was
7:47
Speaker 1: so much synchronicity that I was like, this has to
7:50
Speaker 1: be a prank. And then I was like, who would
7:52
Speaker 1: be pranking me? And I'm like, who is pranking me
7:54
Speaker 1: the most of my life? So I called that motherfucker.
7:57
Speaker 1: And unfortunately, I was extremely sleep deprived and I sounded
8:00
Speaker 1: a little bit crazy. And so now it's like, this
8:05
Speaker 1: guy's got to intervene. And not only that, but he's
8:08
Speaker 1: in cahoots with the whole fucking village. And now everyone's like, oh,
8:12
Speaker 1: you got to take his intervention. Which this is a
8:17
Speaker 1: godless heathen, by the way, just a literal godless heathen.
8:22
Speaker 1: Don't get me wrong, I think he's, like, a fine...
8:24
Speaker 1: I think he's a good guy. I do. But, okay,
8:27
Speaker 1: so this is my beef with case study one and
8:28
Speaker 1: case study two, is, like... It's, like, I specifically inform
8:34
Speaker 1: them of, like, my biggest fears and, like, the things
8:37
Speaker 1: that hurt me the most. And they're, like, yeah, we're
8:40
Speaker 1: gonna do that. We're gonna do exactly what you said
8:43
Speaker 1: hurts you the most. That's sort of, like, where I'm, like,
8:49
Speaker 1: I don't know about these guys... But then I'm also like,
8:53
Speaker 1: I've probably done that. I've probably literally done that. But
8:59
Speaker 1: I don't know. Have I? I've definitely thought about it.
9:04
Speaker 1: I've definitely been like, ooh, I know exactly how to
9:08
Speaker 1: hurt this person. And I've definitely also reserved my thoughts.
9:16
Speaker 1: in my life where I'm like, I don't want to
9:19
Speaker 1: give this person this information because I don't trust that
9:21
Speaker 1: they're not going to use it against me. This is
9:28
Speaker 1: what they do. So, ultimately, they can't make me do
9:42
Speaker 1: anything and whatever, like, at this point, I'm just viewing
9:46
Speaker 1: it as, like, an experience, it's like, okay, I'm just
9:49
Speaker 1: gonna do it, I think, I think he's wasting his money,
9:53
Speaker 1: I think he's, I think this is a form of gambling, like,
9:55
Speaker 1: instead of just trusting me, and believing me, it's like,
10:00
Speaker 1: oh let's do all this fucking western bullshit and let's
10:06
Speaker 1: just waste money let's just literally waste money and time
10:10
Speaker 1: because we like gotta be the hero or something and
10:12
Speaker 1: this is what I was thinking is it's like yeah
10:14
Speaker 1: you people who are like intervening a lot it's like
10:18
Speaker 1: It's like they need to feel powerful. It's like they're
10:21
Speaker 1: probably not feeling powerful in other things. And this is why.
10:26
Speaker 1: This is why, like, as a girlfriend or, like, as
10:30
Speaker 1: a female counterpart to, like, you know, a man. Like,
10:35
Speaker 1: this is why I'm not really trying to, like, wear
10:38
Speaker 1: the pants. I've never been trying this. Unfortunately, men keep
10:41
Speaker 1: giving me pants and telling me to wear them. And
10:45
Speaker 1: I'm like, ugh, God. The thing is, is this isn't
10:49
Speaker 1: gonna work long term because you're gonna resent me. You're
10:52
Speaker 1: gonna look at me in the pants and you're gonna
10:54
Speaker 1: be like, I should be wearing the pants. And I'm like,
10:57
Speaker 1: I never wanted to wear the pants. I'm literally wearing
10:59
Speaker 1: a dress. Can I wear a dress? Can I wear
11:06
Speaker 1: a dress and have no bag? I don't even want
11:08
Speaker 1: a bag. I just wanna be free. Of all this bullshit.
11:16
Speaker 1: I held the door for a guy the other day.
11:17
Speaker 1: And he was like, oh, and they say chivalry is dead.
11:19
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay. Am I the chival? Am
11:26
Speaker 1: I the chival? And so the other case studies are
11:44
Speaker 1: this guy, um, He's like a friend. He met me
11:51
Speaker 1: in a really like, I was not doing well at
11:53
Speaker 1: all kind of stage of my life. And we just
11:59
Speaker 1: kept like making eye contact like over and over. And
12:03
Speaker 1: it was like, I wasn't looking at anybody else. Everyone
12:07
Speaker 1: else at this function was like freaking me out in
12:09
Speaker 1: like a major way. Like they were really making me
12:12
Speaker 1: feel like I was just like in a hallucination. Like,
12:15
Speaker 1: these people were, like, actually, they were scaring me. They
12:20
Speaker 1: were really scaring me. And, um, you know, I hope
12:24
Speaker 1: they had fun. And they weren't even scaring me in, like, a,
12:32
Speaker 1: it wasn't like I was scared for my life. It
12:34
Speaker 1: was like, I, I'm having a hard time believing that
12:38
Speaker 1: these people are real. Just because, I mean, I was
12:41
Speaker 1: extremely sleep-deprived. And I was, you know, having issues at home.
12:49
Speaker 1: And so I didn't really want to go home. Like
13:00
Speaker 1: being at home was giving me kind of extreme anxiety.
13:09
Speaker 1: And I, you know, I got invited to this thing
13:12
Speaker 1: by my friend, and I was like, okay, yeah. And
13:14
Speaker 1: then I, like, told her I would, so then I
13:15
Speaker 1: wanted to follow through on my commitment. And I'm glad
13:19
Speaker 1: I did, because I've never had an experience like this.
13:23
Speaker 1: And I made this friend. And, you know, it's just, like,
13:28
Speaker 1: very steady. It's, like, always checking up on me. And
13:37
Speaker 1: following my whereabouts. And he surprised me. And last night,
13:47
Speaker 1: I really appreciated last night. He was like... Because he
13:51
Speaker 1: was asking for my last name. And I was like,
13:53
Speaker 1: first of all, you know... Like, you have access to
13:56
Speaker 1: my last name. Like, you have access to a platform
13:58
Speaker 1: that has my last name. And he was like, oh,
14:02
Speaker 1: I'm just, like, typing it into this thing. I was like,
14:04
Speaker 1: what are you typing it into? I was like, is
14:05
Speaker 1: this some kind of, like... Scam? I was like, is this...
14:12
Speaker 1: And he knows me. He literally knows me quite well.
14:15
Speaker 1: And he was like, yeah, I'm actually an AI bot
14:17
Speaker 1: right now. I'm just trying to harvest your social security number.
14:19
Speaker 1: And I was like... And he said, he was like,
14:24
Speaker 1: I know that you're kind of paranoid about the AI thing.
14:27
Speaker 1: He was like, so I see why you're acting like this. Like,
14:31
Speaker 1: I get it. Like, he wasn't offended at all. And
14:45
Speaker 1: then it came out. I was like, just tell me
14:47
Speaker 1: what you're trying to do. And, like, I would probably feel, like,
14:50
Speaker 1: less une... Like, I would feel... I would feel better
14:53
Speaker 1: about this. And I would just, like, give you my
14:56
Speaker 1: last name. Um... And... So... Why did this pop up?
15:10
Speaker 1: This is, like... This is tricking and deceiving me. Ugh! Ugh!
15:16
Speaker 1: It's like a notification from seven minutes ago popped up. Like,
15:20
Speaker 1: why would it pop up? And then it was, like,
15:21
Speaker 1: staying way longer than it normally does. Um... Because, trust me,
15:25
Speaker 1: I know how long it normally stays. I got a
15:28
Speaker 1: keen sense on this kind of thing. And, um... So, yeah,
15:34
Speaker 1: there was something kind of essential to, like... It's a
15:39
Speaker 1: yoga mat. It's literally a freaking yoga mat, okay? And...
15:44
Speaker 1: I forgot to bring a yoga mat. I was sort of,
15:46
Speaker 1: I kept telling myself, I kept like go, I kept
15:50
Speaker 1: going into the house, like grab a yoga mat. And
15:53
Speaker 1: then I get distracted by all the other things I
15:55
Speaker 1: want to get. Um, and so I was telling him
16:01
Speaker 1: this and he ordered me a yoga mat. So I'm
16:08
Speaker 1: feeling just like pretty grateful for that. And he's just
16:11
Speaker 1: like always checking in on me, you know? and like
16:15
Speaker 1: down to just talk really quick and update each other
16:19
Speaker 1: and it's good because it's like it doesn't matter what
16:22
Speaker 1: I say like he doesn't interrogate me so yeah I'm
16:35
Speaker 1: just super grateful sometimes I wonder like why me why
16:44
Speaker 1: me but I also just feel like we're like probably connected.
16:49
Speaker 1: We're just connected. I mean, we just kept making eye
16:50
Speaker 1: contact that first night. Like it was like, I was
16:55
Speaker 1: struggling to look at some of the other people, honestly.
16:58
Speaker 1: Like I was, it was just, I don't know. I
17:07
Speaker 1: don't know if that's like extremely rude and mean to
17:10
Speaker 1: say that I was struggling to look at people, but
17:13
Speaker 1: that is how I feel. Dude, it feels like I'm
17:16
Speaker 1: in California. But I'm definitely not. So beautiful. And then
17:36
Speaker 1: case study four. I don't know. I don't know. I
17:42
Speaker 1: have no idea what to expect. I'm just completely like. Like,
17:49
Speaker 1: I'm in his city. I'm in his city and I'm waiting.
17:52
Speaker 1: I'm in his city and I'm literally waiting. And he,
17:57
Speaker 1: you know, he gave me my recommendation for where I'm
17:59
Speaker 1: going today. Which is kind of great. Like, I kind
18:02
Speaker 1: of really appreciate it that it's like, you know, he's
18:08
Speaker 1: not like worried or anything. He's just like letting me
18:14
Speaker 1: live my life. And he's got a recommendation. That's all
18:19
Speaker 1: I really need. That's all I really need is, like,
18:22
Speaker 1: a single recommendation. And I... I don't even know if
18:27
Speaker 1: we're gonna hang out. Like, I have faith. I think.
18:34
Speaker 1: I do. I do have faith. But... What does that
18:40
Speaker 1: even mean? I don't know. It's just, like, we don't have, like,
18:47
Speaker 1: formal plans. which is fine by me. I mean, worst
18:51
Speaker 1: case scenario, I got, I got formal plans with my
18:54
Speaker 1: next stop and I, I, I should probably try to
18:57
Speaker 1: make plans with my next, next stop. They did, they
19:04
Speaker 1: did request that I give them some advanced notice. Um,
19:16
Speaker 1: So there's sort of levels to this friendship thing. I
19:18
Speaker 1: think there's like. Close friends. Which like my first friend
19:22
Speaker 1: I saw. Sort of like. Yeah if you're in town.
19:27
Speaker 1: We're hanging out for sure. And then there's like. Kind
19:32
Speaker 1: of vaguely not really friends. But we do know each other.
19:34
Speaker 1: And it's like. Yeah come to my city. Maybe we'll
19:39
Speaker 1: hang out. And then there's like. Honestly like. I would
19:46
Speaker 1: consider this woman like family to me. like like i'm
19:54
Speaker 1: crying i'm literally crying just thinking about it And, like,
20:07
Speaker 1: do I realistically know her that well? No, but... But, yeah.
20:16
Speaker 1: And she's, like... She's, like, bossing me around a little bit. She's, like,
20:19
Speaker 1: get down here! Get down here! Come! I want to
20:24
Speaker 1: see you! And I really appreciated that. I really, really
20:31
Speaker 1: appreciated that. And, uh... And then like my next friend,
20:38
Speaker 1: it's like, it was a similar thing where I was
20:40
Speaker 1: just like, so distraught emotionally. And she was like, she's like,
20:51
Speaker 1: she's like, you should come stay with me for a
20:53
Speaker 1: couple weeks. And I was like, yeah, I was like,
20:56
Speaker 1: I'm on my way, girl. That sounds really freaking nice.
21:01
Speaker 1: And it was. I mean, I was still like, I
21:03
Speaker 1: was still suffering a lot. I was seriously suffering a lot.
21:11
Speaker 1: But by the end of it, I was doing better.
21:14
Speaker 1: I remembered what it was to be loved and received gently.
21:39
Speaker 1: It's like pretty easy to get along with guys. I
21:41
Speaker 1: think it's pretty easy to talk to them. Like I
21:45
Speaker 1: think they're just sort of like generally like average guys.
21:50
Speaker 1: I mean there are some guys who are just like
21:52
Speaker 1: absolute hell. They're just absolute hell to know. But like
21:58
Speaker 1: the vast majority of guys like I feel pretty comfortable
22:01
Speaker 1: just like talking to them. They're like dogs. They're like
22:05
Speaker 1: literal blank dude. They're just like, dude, this guy is
22:13
Speaker 1: riding a motorcycle without a helmet and he's taxiing. Bro.
22:19
Speaker 1: I bet he'd be extremely easy to talk to though.
22:25
Speaker 1: So I think, yeah, I don't know, but like women
22:28
Speaker 1: are difficult to talk to, but I think it's pretty
22:32
Speaker 1: worth it. You know? And I wouldn't say that I
22:45
Speaker 1: regret the way that I've involved myself with men. But
22:57
Speaker 1: I would say that Like I'm just thinking about it.
23:12
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about all these examples of like people.
23:14
Speaker 1: It's like I got four dudes. And I got two women.
23:20
Speaker 1: This is sort of my like. This is what I'm
23:22
Speaker 1: rocking with right now. This is what I got. These
23:30
Speaker 1: are my. I hate to say resources. But these are
23:33
Speaker 1: my social. And this is not all of them. But
23:37
Speaker 1: these are kind of like the people that. In my
23:40
Speaker 1: time of need. This is where I go. This is
23:43
Speaker 1: who I call. And I hate being in a time
23:48
Speaker 1: of need. Gosh, this is the worst thing. Being in
23:52
Speaker 1: a time of need. I just want to be in...
23:58
Speaker 1: I don't like need. I haven't liked need for a
24:01
Speaker 1: long time. And the angels are saying, sometimes you're in
24:06
Speaker 1: a time of need. Sometimes you're losing your absolute mind
24:10
Speaker 1: and you've got to go see your friend for a
24:11
Speaker 1: couple weeks. Sometimes you gotta go see... Sometimes you gotta
24:19
Speaker 1: go tour. You gotta go tour, and you gotta go
24:21
Speaker 1: see all the friends you got. Because... What else? What
24:30
Speaker 1: else is gonna bring you back down to Earth? It's like, yeah,
24:40
Speaker 1: I have some, like, fresh friends. I have some, like,
24:42
Speaker 1: new friends. In my city. But it's like, they don't
24:47
Speaker 1: really know me like that. And, like, I'm... Pretty... What's the...
24:55
Speaker 1: I'm pretty timid in the sense of, like, I don't... I...
25:02
Speaker 1: I am receiving messages that I should slow down. I
25:09
Speaker 1: want to slow down. Because... It hurts. It really hurts
25:22
Speaker 1: to be rejected. You know, this is a conversation I
25:25
Speaker 1: tried to have with my aunt. She was, like, on her, like,
25:28
Speaker 1: men are superior thing. And I was like, but they're, like, immoral.
25:33
Speaker 1: I was like, they're, like, extremely immoral. And she was like,
25:37
Speaker 1: morals don't matter. Men can win in a physical fight.
25:42
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, but what? I was like,
25:48
Speaker 1: but what about morals? What about morals? And I don't know,
25:59
Speaker 1: at some point I started crying and she was like, see,
26:02
Speaker 1: this is why women are inferior because you're crying right now.
26:06
Speaker 1: And I was like, well, you're kind of being mean,
26:09
Speaker 1: like you're kind of being mean and you're kind of
26:10
Speaker 1: like dismissing. And yeah, she was being very militant in
26:16
Speaker 1: that moment for sure. And she was, like, in my face.
26:22
Speaker 1: She was, like, in my face. And it's, like, I
26:25
Speaker 1: wasn't really, like, physically intimidated by her. Like, I don't
26:27
Speaker 1: know how I could be. Like, she weighed, like, half
26:31
Speaker 1: my weight, if even. But I don't know. I carried
26:40
Speaker 1: that with me for a long time. I went to
26:42
Speaker 1: therapy about it. And, you know, I talked to my
26:49
Speaker 1: cousin who knows her My cousin was like, yeah, clearly
26:52
Speaker 1: she has some trauma or something. And instead of like,
26:56
Speaker 1: you know, processing it, she's kind of just like taking
26:59
Speaker 1: it out on other people. And I don't know. I
27:05
Speaker 1: don't know. I've returned to the scene a lot. This
27:11
Speaker 1: argument that we've had. I don't know. Let me know.
27:17
Speaker 1: I don't even know if there's a way to leave comments, but...
27:21
Speaker 1: I don't know if anybody's listening, but let me know, guys.
27:23
Speaker 1: I'm going to listen to this later. Yeah. Bye.