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#1788 The Great Disempowering - Harps · The You Project

0:00
Speaker 1: I get a you bloody jam. Welcome to another installing
0:03
Speaker 1: the you project. It's Jumbo, it's Fatty Harps, it's me,
0:06
Speaker 1: it's you, it's us. Let's get into it. I hope
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Speaker 1: this doesn't take too long, because I don't have too long,
0:12
Speaker 1: and you probably don't want to listen to me bang
0:15
Speaker 1: on for an hour. I don't blame you. Let's get
0:17
Speaker 1: to the guts of it. So I've been thinking about
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Speaker 1: how I share this message and these thoughts and ideas
0:27
Speaker 1: in a way which people don't get upset at, Which
0:31
Speaker 1: does I can do that? There is a propensity at
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Speaker 1: times for me to have a good intention but not
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Speaker 1: always get a good result with that good intention. Feel me,
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Speaker 1: you've probably done a little bit of that yourself. So
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Speaker 1: I'm calling this episode the Great Disempowering. So it's my thinking,
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Speaker 1: ladies and gentlemen, judge and jury, that in an attempt
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Speaker 1: to protect people from dealing with hard stuff life, messy, uncomfortable, uncertain, scary,
1:08
Speaker 1: unfair things, just shit that happens in life. We don't
1:12
Speaker 1: want it to, but it does. Life's not a Disney movie.
1:16
Speaker 1: In an attempt to protect people from that, and in
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Speaker 1: an attempt to I guess make people feel safe and
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Speaker 1: comfortable and important and special and not offended. We can
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Speaker 1: actually disempower people by trying to nerf the world around them.
1:40
Speaker 1: We can make them more mentally, emotionally and even physically
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Speaker 1: vulnerable and fragile in a bad way, not in a
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Speaker 1: good way, of course, and then innerfing them mentally emotionally
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Speaker 1: and physically or the world around them prevent them from
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Speaker 1: having normal real life experiences and challenges that would help
2:04
Speaker 1: them build resilience and competence and strength and adaptability and understanding.
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Speaker 1: Of course, there's a line, and of course, you know,
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Speaker 1: there's a time where I think we should step in
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Speaker 1: and help or protect. And this is tricky because that
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Speaker 1: line is not arbitrary. But you know, my as I
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Speaker 1: said at the start, my good intentions don't always produce
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Speaker 1: good outcomes. And so when we're trying to look after people,
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Speaker 1: protect people, hold their hand, you know, not let them
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Speaker 1: feel bad, and not let them feel unimportant or unseen
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Speaker 1: and to you know, we want our friends and family
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Speaker 1: and kids and loved ones to feel special. And that's
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Speaker 1: a nice intention, but it doesn't always work. It doesn't
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Speaker 1: always in the short term. It's like I always say
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Speaker 1: to my clients and my friends when they really want
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Speaker 1: advice or help, when they come to me and they say,
3:01
Speaker 1: how do I do this? How do I change that?
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Speaker 1: What do you think you know? And I say, do
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Speaker 1: you really want feedback? Or do you want praise? Do
3:12
Speaker 1: you want endorsement? Do you want validation? Or do you
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Speaker 1: want me to tell you what I see from over
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Speaker 1: here as objectively as I can. Of course, I'm looking
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Speaker 1: through the Craig lens, but there's a fair chance that
3:25
Speaker 1: I can be more objective about you, because your experience
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Speaker 1: of you is always subjective, and what I'm going to
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Speaker 1: tell you is not necessarily what you want to hear.
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Speaker 1: So on the one hand, we say things like, yeah,
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Speaker 1: I'm all for feedback, I'm all for personal growth, and
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Speaker 1: you know, tell me the truth, give it to me straight,
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Speaker 1: And more times than not is my experience that when
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Speaker 1: we do give it to somebody straight and it's not
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Speaker 1: what they want to hear, then it's more often than
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Speaker 1: not a bad outcome, not a good hour come, and
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Speaker 1: potentially even going to destroy a relationship. And so, while
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Speaker 1: you know, I want to help and support people, I
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Speaker 1: want to encourage people. I just started a new mentoring
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Speaker 1: program this Monday night go on. I'm recording this Wednesday,
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Speaker 1: and one of the things I say to them is
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Speaker 1: I'm here to help in sport and encourage and motivate
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Speaker 1: it and hopefully inspire and poke and pride and ultimately
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Speaker 1: my job as a coach or even as a podcaster
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Speaker 1: in this capacity right now, I see my job or
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Speaker 1: my role as helping you to help you, and me
4:36
Speaker 1: telling you you're amazing and bloody special and spectacular twenty
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Speaker 1: four times a day is not helping you. It's stroking
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Speaker 1: your ego, it's potentially allaying some kind of fear or anxiety.
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Speaker 1: But the truth is, neither you or I are that
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Speaker 1: fucking special. We like to think we're all special, and
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Speaker 1: I'm sure there are moments where we do special things,
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Speaker 1: But the bottom line is where one of eight billion
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Speaker 1: on a planet, you know, hurtling through space and time
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Speaker 1: on a giant, spinning blue rock, you know, that's kind
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Speaker 1: of who we are and that's what we're doing. And yeah,
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Speaker 1: in some ways we're special and unique, and in some
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Speaker 1: ways we're common. But the bottom line is we're all flawed.
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Speaker 1: And if you didn't realize that, you need to think better.
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Speaker 1: Do better, make better choices, and produce better outcomes. Then
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Speaker 1: you wouldn't be listening to this right now. So you know, now,
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Speaker 1: that's not an insult, that's an awareness, and that's a
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Speaker 1: courageous awareness. But you and I live in a world
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Speaker 1: where a lot of really well meaning people, like really good,
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Speaker 1: loving kind people, are trying to create comfort and safety
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Speaker 1: and certainty and predictability and fairness for everyone. And while
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Speaker 1: that's fine to a point, and it's nice, but again,
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Speaker 1: it doesn't always produce that good outcome. And you know,
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Speaker 1: like I'm interested in you over the long term. I'm
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Speaker 1: interested in the kind of results that you're going to
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Speaker 1: produce over the long term more than I am interested
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Speaker 1: in making you feel good for the next two or
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Speaker 1: three minutes by telling you everything's amazing, you're great, it'll
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Speaker 1: all be fine. The other person's wrong, you're right, you're brilliant.
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Speaker 1: This is nice, but it's emotional and psychological fairy floss
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Speaker 1: that eventually gives people emotional and psychological diabetes. It's shit
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Speaker 1: for us. It's not helpful. It's not helpful at all.
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Speaker 1: And that's not to say there's not a time where
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Speaker 1: genuinely supporting and complementing and validating people isn't appropriate. Of course,
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Speaker 1: there are those times, but it's not all the time,
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Speaker 1: and it's not every day, you know. I think sometimes
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Speaker 1: in our attempts to protect people from discomfort and uncertainty
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Speaker 1: and hardship, we're actually predisposing them to be weaker and
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Speaker 1: more fragile, and more disempowered and less resilient because they
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Speaker 1: don't have to deal with hard things. And if you
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Speaker 1: don't deal with heart things, how can you build strength?
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Speaker 1: How can you become resilient if you're not navigating uncertainty
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Speaker 1: and problems. And yes, if we're talking about your kid,
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Speaker 1: or your staff, or a family member or a friend,
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Speaker 1: someone you love that you know is a bit vulnerable, sure,
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Speaker 1: you know, hang in the background, and if you need
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Speaker 1: to step in, or you think you need to step in,
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Speaker 1: do so. But let them fall down a bit, let
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Speaker 1: them get uncomfortable, let them scrape their knees, let them
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Speaker 1: be a bit scared, let them let them fail. It's okay,
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Speaker 1: Like all of that psychological, emotional and practical mess that mayhem,
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Speaker 1: that discomfort, that uncertainty, that is all consistent with just
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Speaker 1: living a human life, just having the human experience and
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Speaker 1: what we want, what we want to help people with
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Speaker 1: is to prepare them for the inevitability of let's be honest, shit,
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Speaker 1: let's help prepare people for the mess and the mayhem
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Speaker 1: and the unfairness and the uncertainty of relationships and business
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Speaker 1: and personal development and health and all of the things
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Speaker 1: that just constitute being a human. I'm not talking about
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Speaker 1: throwing people in the deep end without a life raft.
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Speaker 1: I'm talking about the problem of bubble wrapping life so
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Speaker 1: much that we don't allow people, or we deny people.
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Speaker 1: I guess the challenges and the experiences and the interactions
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Speaker 1: and the pitfalls and downfalls and bullshit that would make
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Speaker 1: them strong. I'm as a coach and mentor, I'm way
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Speaker 1: more interested in helping the people that I work with
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Speaker 1: become strong, adaptable, competent, resilient, able to perform in the
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Speaker 1: middle of chaos than I am in making them comfortable
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Speaker 1: or making them feel good. And it's not that I
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Speaker 1: don't care. In fact, it's that I do care so much.
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Speaker 1: If I was all about wanting people to like me
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Speaker 1: or being popular with the people that I'm around or
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Speaker 1: talking to, I would constantly reinforce what they want to hear,
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Speaker 1: I would tell them exactly what they want to hear.
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Speaker 1: I would be prioritized and preoccupied with making them feel
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Speaker 1: good and making them like me, so that I am
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Speaker 1: basically a walking endorsement of whatever they already think and
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Speaker 1: want to hear. So let's get into it. Why is
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Speaker 1: discomfort potentially good for us? Why is struggle good? Why
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Speaker 1: is pain wise? Why are all those things that I
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Speaker 1: bang on good bang on about why they're good? They're
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Speaker 1: good because they help us become the version of us
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Speaker 1: that we need to become, so that we can navigate
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Speaker 1: all of life, the good and bad, the peaks and trosts,
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Speaker 1: the joy and pain. We can navigate that stuff more effectively.
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Speaker 1: This is the thing. When the shit storm cometh, and
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Speaker 1: it comes when it comes, if we've already been through
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Speaker 1: a version of the storm, because we're dealing with hard things,
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Speaker 1: when the real shit comes, we're ready, we're prepared. But
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Speaker 1: when we've lived in this metaphoric bubble wrap by virtue
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Speaker 1: of the people around us, or our situation, or our circumstance,
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Speaker 1: or our overprotective, doting, well meaning, beautiful but not particularly
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Speaker 1: helpful parents, then when the shit comes, we're fucked. We're
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Speaker 1: fucked because we don't have the capacity, we don't have
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Speaker 1: the physical, mental, emotional capacity or bandwidth to be able
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Speaker 1: to deal with the things that we need to deal with.
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Speaker 1: There's this really nice concept by I think it's Nassim Taleb,
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Speaker 1: called the anti fragility paradox, and it's the idea that
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Speaker 1: things like muscles and bones and even minds don't just
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Speaker 1: survive stress, they require stress to grow. You've heard me
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Speaker 1: talk about this progressive overload in the gym. How do
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Speaker 1: we build strength? We do something hard in our body adapts,
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Speaker 1: so we don't just survive stress, we actually require it
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Speaker 1: to become the better version of ourselves. So if you
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Speaker 1: take for example, bones, your skeleton. Put someone in zero
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Speaker 1: gravity like astronauts in space, right, there's no stress, there's
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Speaker 1: no stress, And so what starts happening to those bones
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Speaker 1: is they literally start deteriorating. Bone density drops, they become weak,
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Speaker 1: they become fragile. And why does that happen. Well, that
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Speaker 1: happens because bones need resistance, bones need impact, bones need
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Speaker 1: dress to stay strong. And it's the same with muscles,
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Speaker 1: and it's the same with minds. But we live in
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Speaker 1: a culture where we are consciously intentionally and actively to
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Speaker 1: our own detriment, removing the stresses that build this mental
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Speaker 1: and emotional resistance that I'm talking about. We're eliminating competition
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Speaker 1: so no one feels bad about losing. We don't want
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Speaker 1: winners and losers. We just want people to have fun.
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Speaker 1: And that's a beautiful thought. But when we get the
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Speaker 1: kid that doesn't win or lose, but every kid gets
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Speaker 1: a ribbon, and so they don't really understand what is
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Speaker 1: coming first, what is coming last, what is loss? When
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Speaker 1: loss happens after they get out of the participation ribbon
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Speaker 1: bubble and they get out of that and they step
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Speaker 1: out into the world where participation and ribbons don't fucking happen,
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Speaker 1: and then they get smashed in the face with the
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Speaker 1: reality stick, and that is you are a loser and
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Speaker 1: you don't have any capacity to deal with losing because
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Speaker 1: you've never experienced it. Then we've set our kids up
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Speaker 1: for failure, in my opinion, your honor. We avoid difficult
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Speaker 1: conversations because we don't want anyone to get uncomfortable. We
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Speaker 1: don't want anyone to get offended, so we won't say things.
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Speaker 1: You know, when I was a kid, I was simultaneously
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Speaker 1: fat and a kid. I was a fat kid. But
13:37
Speaker 1: people hate it when I say that, because it's like
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Speaker 1: I'm saying something that's horrible and nasty, and I'm not.
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Speaker 1: Trust me, I'm the person I'm talking about. These are
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Speaker 1: just two objective bits of data. One, I was a
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Speaker 1: child too. I was morbidly obese. Put them together, obese child.
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Speaker 1: I'm not judging my character or my worth, or my
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Speaker 1: identity or my personality or my value tell you in
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Speaker 1: that statement, I'm just saying, but you and I live
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Speaker 1: in a time where there are no fat children, there's
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Speaker 1: no obesity, there are no problems or consequences. Everyone's the same.
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Speaker 1: It's all good. It's a Hollywood movie, but it's just
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Speaker 1: not true. The outcomes are not there. All of that
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Speaker 1: thinking and all of that molly coddling and all of
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Speaker 1: that kind of high level avoidance doesn't equate to good outcome.
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Speaker 1: We're cushioning people from every possible hardship, and we think
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Speaker 1: we're helping, but I truly think we're doing the opposite.
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Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean everybody's got to constantly experience difficulty
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Speaker 1: or hardship or problems. Of course, it doesn't all the time.
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Speaker 1: Of course, of course. And I don't think you or
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Speaker 1: I are the judges of what people should or shouldn't
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Speaker 1: expect that. I'm definitely not, but I have I need
14:59
Speaker 1: to be careful and sensitive. How I say this, I'm
15:01
Speaker 1: not going to mention anyone, but I've trained lots of
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Speaker 1: wealthy clients over the time, people living in privilege, and
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Speaker 1: good on them. There's no there's no hate here. They
15:12
Speaker 1: lived in privilege, they lived in you know, opulence in
15:16
Speaker 1: some cases. And I would not always, but quite often
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Speaker 1: they would. I'm talking years ago when I was full
15:23
Speaker 1: time up to my neck in personal training. They would
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Speaker 1: bring me their kids to train, and their kids were spoiled, precious,
15:32
Speaker 1: precocious humans with no resilience, with terrible attitudes that that
15:40
Speaker 1: would crack the shits, that would sook, that would complain
15:44
Speaker 1: constantly at the at the nearest site of anything remotely
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Speaker 1: difficult or uncomfortable. And I had lots of chats with
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Speaker 1: you know, with parents about that. I'm like, I don't
15:57
Speaker 1: know what you're doing, but this kid cannot with anything.
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Speaker 1: We need a level of hardship, we need resistance to
16:09
Speaker 1: work against because, like every one of you would say,
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Speaker 1: if I asked, I think you would. I could be wrong,
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Speaker 1: But if I said, would you like to be strong
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Speaker 1: and resilient and adaptable and capable of performing under extreme pressure?
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Speaker 1: Would you like that? I think you would all say yes.
16:24
Speaker 1: Then my next question will be, well, what are you
16:27
Speaker 1: doing to develop the skills and competence and capacity to
16:31
Speaker 1: be able to do what I just described. It's like
16:37
Speaker 1: protecting a tree from the wind. If a tree never
16:41
Speaker 1: experiences the wind, it never grows strong roots or deep roots.
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Speaker 1: Then the first time a real storm comes, it's done.
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Speaker 1: It's dead. Boom, it's gone, it's out of the ground.
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Speaker 1: And I feel like sometimes we're raising generations of metaphorical
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Speaker 1: trees with shallow roots. And of course, like intentions matter,
17:08
Speaker 1: I know that people trying to create ultra safe environments
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Speaker 1: mean well, and of course there are environments, especially when
17:16
Speaker 1: we talk in you know, home situations and work situations
17:21
Speaker 1: where people really do need help and some kind of
17:24
Speaker 1: intervention and significant support. Of course, that is real, that
17:29
Speaker 1: is real. But sometimes in the middle of trying to
17:34
Speaker 1: create these risk adverse, ultra safe, super comfortable environments, we're
17:44
Speaker 1: creating more problems and solutions. Because life is not a
17:48
Speaker 1: controlled environment. Outside of the work or outside of the home,
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Speaker 1: or outside of that particular relationship. Away from that, life
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Speaker 1: is not a controlled environment. It is full of all
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Speaker 1: of the stuff that I speak about too much, uncertainty, unfamiliarity,
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Speaker 1: the unknown, all of that stuff. And so in the
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Speaker 1: real world, we're going to experience failure. That's it. You're
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Speaker 1: going to fail. You're going to get things wrong, You're
18:14
Speaker 1: going to fuck up, You're going to be embarrassed, You're
18:16
Speaker 1: going to be rejected. There'll be rejection, there'll be difficulty,
18:20
Speaker 1: there'll be cruelty, there'll be unfairness, there'll be despite your
18:26
Speaker 1: best endeavors, there will be poor outcomes. And if we've
18:31
Speaker 1: never had to learn to handle discomfort because society or schools,
18:36
Speaker 1: or family or workplaces have shielded us from it, we
18:42
Speaker 1: have very little chance of being the survivor or the
18:45
Speaker 1: thriver when real adversity shows up. And so instead of
18:49
Speaker 1: bouncing back, we break. Instead of solving the problem, we panic.
18:53
Speaker 1: Instead of adapting, you know, we blame. And instead of
18:59
Speaker 1: instead instead of managing our own life, we get managed
19:05
Speaker 1: by life. And we see this playing out all over
19:09
Speaker 1: the place, the rise in mental fragility and ententitlement and
19:13
Speaker 1: offense taking. It's not just a coincidence. It's not happening
19:18
Speaker 1: for no reason. It's a byproduct of our collective obsession
19:22
Speaker 1: with making everything safe. But the truth is that strength
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Speaker 1: and competence is built in the uncomfortable and sometimes the
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Speaker 1: unsafe places. So so how do we fix it? All right?
19:40
Speaker 1: So that's the problem or that's the reality, So how
19:44
Speaker 1: do we make sure that or how do we at
19:47
Speaker 1: least try to make sure that we're not part of
19:50
Speaker 1: the great disempowering So there's no three step kind of
19:56
Speaker 1: like with everything, there's no three step plan. But here
19:59
Speaker 1: are some thoughts. So one after he says no three steads, well,
20:06
Speaker 1: these are not anyway. So let's try and normalize discomfort.
20:12
Speaker 1: Let's try and make that a normal part of our
20:15
Speaker 1: operating system. And to teach kids and students and employees
20:18
Speaker 1: and friends and who you know, athletes or whoever we
20:22
Speaker 1: are leading or mentoring or supporting, let's teach them that
20:26
Speaker 1: it's okay, Like discomfort is okay, failure is okay, vulnerability
20:32
Speaker 1: is okay, Embarrassment is okay. Mental and emotional and physical discomfort,
20:38
Speaker 1: these struggles are just part of life and so instead
20:42
Speaker 1: of avoiding all of that, we try and normalize it.
20:45
Speaker 1: We try and normalize it. My next idea is that
20:50
Speaker 1: we encourage competence, not just confidence. Confidence is great, but
20:56
Speaker 1: it's kind of empty without competence. So stop telling people
21:00
Speaker 1: they're amazing no matter what if and by the way,
21:06
Speaker 1: when we're constantly telling people be they kids are at
21:09
Speaker 1: how incredible they are, eventually it has no power. Eventually
21:14
Speaker 1: it doesn't have the emotional psychological impact. And also eventually,
21:18
Speaker 1: once you're not doing it, it's almost like a drug
21:21
Speaker 1: where our receptors kind of adjust. If you're not doing
21:24
Speaker 1: it anymore, then people then people start to demand it
21:29
Speaker 1: for nothing, because we've programmed and conditioned them that all
21:32
Speaker 1: they need to do is fucking get out of bed
21:34
Speaker 1: and we give them a trophy or a round of
21:36
Speaker 1: applause or some kind of accolade. But let's help them
21:41
Speaker 1: become amazing through building skill and building resilience and having
21:48
Speaker 1: new experiences and leaning into their fear and embracing the
21:54
Speaker 1: tough stuff, and also, within reason, let people struggle. If
22:01
Speaker 1: you rescue your person from every challenge, they ain't gonna
22:06
Speaker 1: learn to be independent. They ain't gonna learn to deal
22:11
Speaker 1: with things on their own, And sometimes the most empowering
22:16
Speaker 1: thing you can do is not to do anything as
22:21
Speaker 1: much as you want to fix it, save it, solve it.
22:24
Speaker 1: And I get it because I'm like that too. I'm
22:27
Speaker 1: a little bit of a fuck I'll fix this for you.
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Speaker 1: I used to be way way more down. They let
22:33
Speaker 1: me fix it because I want you to like me,
22:35
Speaker 1: and I can fix this, and I'm good at this.
22:37
Speaker 1: But in me fixing, solving it, saving them, I wasn't
22:41
Speaker 1: actually helping them. I wasn't at Sometimes the best thing
22:45
Speaker 1: for me to do is say something, one or two things,
22:48
Speaker 1: maybe say nothing. But often the best thing for me
22:51
Speaker 1: to do is get out of the road, maybe stick
22:54
Speaker 1: around in case there's a catastrophe and they really need me.
22:57
Speaker 1: But I try very much much not to intervene unless
23:03
Speaker 1: I need to, And I try very much not to
23:07
Speaker 1: give people accolades or compliments that they have not earned.
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Speaker 1: If they earn it one hundred percent, they're getting it
23:15
Speaker 1: one hundred percent. But like I said before, if people
23:18
Speaker 1: are getting a trophy, a metaphoric trophy, or round of
23:22
Speaker 1: applause for doing something that really is not special, then
23:26
Speaker 1: you're the creator of that problem. In their life because
23:29
Speaker 1: you've set them up for an expectation that is inconsistent
23:33
Speaker 1: with the practical reality of surviving and thriving in life
23:37
Speaker 1: away from the bubble. And maybe let's redefine safe. Of course,
23:46
Speaker 1: safety matters, but safety safety doesn't mean never being uncomfortable.
23:52
Speaker 1: Safe means having the tools and the resilience and the
23:56
Speaker 1: capacity to handle things that are hard. So here's the
24:03
Speaker 1: big question. Are we protecting people or are we disempowering them?
24:11
Speaker 1: And this is a tricky one because there are very
24:14
Speaker 1: few absolutes with this, and it's slightly different strategies and
24:18
Speaker 1: approaches for different people, you know, and it depends. You know,
24:23
Speaker 1: there's like stuff with my mum and dad now, who
24:26
Speaker 1: in their mid eighties, and I go, how much do
24:28
Speaker 1: I do? How much do I help my dad? How
24:31
Speaker 1: much do I let my dad struggle with that thing
24:33
Speaker 1: so that he might build a little bit more confidence
24:36
Speaker 1: or confidence with that thing, And so it's like, this
24:39
Speaker 1: is not clearly defined, but I think this is an
24:41
Speaker 1: important conversation to have. It. It's an important thing for
24:44
Speaker 1: us to think about, you know, and maybe for some
24:49
Speaker 1: of us it's time to stop bubble wrapping life and
24:52
Speaker 1: start to even for ourselves, build resilience because like it
24:59
Speaker 1: or not, wanted on not, life's not easy. Sometimes it is,
25:04
Speaker 1: but life's not typically easy. Just take a look around,
25:08
Speaker 1: take a look at the world, take a look at
25:09
Speaker 1: the people in your own proximity. Once it or not,
25:14
Speaker 1: it is challenging, it is unpredictable, it's often brutal. But
25:18
Speaker 1: those challenges are the things that kind of help train
25:21
Speaker 1: us for what is to come. That's probably enough. And
25:26
Speaker 1: I know this is a very Craig Harper episode, but
25:31
Speaker 1: you know, I'm I'm all for supporting and encouraging and
25:36
Speaker 1: loving people towards becoming the version of themselves that they
25:40
Speaker 1: want to be. But I actually know that that outcome
25:45
Speaker 1: is not about my words. And yes, I want to
25:47
Speaker 1: encourage and support you, and I hope that you enjoy
25:50
Speaker 1: what I do and say I hope if you don't,
25:52
Speaker 1: that's totally okay. But more than all of that self
25:56
Speaker 1: gratifying bullshit, for me, what really matters is your capacity
26:01
Speaker 1: and willingness and courage to apply the things that you
26:06
Speaker 1: hear in this show that resonate and are meaningful and
26:10
Speaker 1: might even hurt a little bit, but under the hurt,
26:13
Speaker 1: you know, It's true when you can at the same
26:17
Speaker 1: time go fuck you, Craig, but also you're right, and
26:20
Speaker 1: then do something with it. You're on your way.