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Never Marry Someone Until You've Done These Three Things · The Blow Your Mind Podcast

• 0:01
  Welcome to the Blow Your mind podcast.
• 0:03
  If you're trying to figure out who you are, where headed, or
• 0:06
  how to trust yourself in the middle of it all, this show is
• 0:09
  for you. I'm Erica Center.
• 0:11
  I grew up in a trailer park on food stamps and I went on to
• 0:14
  build a multi 8 figure award-winning company without a
• 0:18
  safety net and without pretending it was easy.
• 0:20
  I'm now as CEOA best selling author and a philanthropist and
• 0:24
  what I've learned is this real confidence isn't a feeling, it's
• 0:28
  self trust built through evidence.
• 0:30
  This is a place for real conversations.
• 0:32
  You'll hear from me and occasionally my husband Chris,
• 0:35
  as we talk honestly about real life and the standards and
• 0:38
  decisions that separate talk from results.
• 0:41
  Let's blow your mind. Think in any relationship as you
• 0:46
  get to know someone before you actually decide to tie the knot.
• 0:51
  I believe there's three things you have to do 1.
• 0:54
  You have to know the person for all Four Seasons, like spring,
• 0:57
  summer, fall, winter, cold days inside when there's nothing to
• 1:01
  do outside. I also think personally living
• 1:06
  with somebody ahead of time is super helpful.
• 1:09
  But I would say the third is, and I think this is the one that
• 1:13
  I have the strongest beliefs about, is that you have to go on
• 1:17
  a road trip together. And I'm talking more than like
• 1:20
  like a three hours, I'm talking like 8/10/12 hours in a car, the
• 1:25
  two of you together driving to your destination.
• 1:30
  Hi everyone, welcome to the Blow Your Mind podcast.
• 1:33
  I'm so excited. Chris is joining us today.
• 1:37
  Hello. We're actually gonna be talking
• 1:39
  about things that we fight about.
• 1:41
  Yeah. Eddie and Augie, you're with us
• 1:44
  right now too, joining us for the show.
• 1:46
  Because I think can they feel it?
• 1:48
  Can we can they feel we're about to talk about things that we
• 1:50
  fight about I. Don't think so.
• 1:52
  No, no. Actually this was episode was
• 1:55
  actually Chris S idea. He calls me while I'm on a trip,
• 1:58
  and he's like, babe, I have this idea for the podcast or for the
• 2:01
  pod. I have this idea for the pod.
• 2:03
  I was like, oh, gosh, OK. He's like, I think we should
• 2:07
  talk about the things that we fight about.
• 2:08
  And I got quiet because I was thinking I was like, OK, like,
• 2:11
  man, where are we going to go with this?
• 2:12
  And he's like, are you thinking about it right now?
• 2:14
  And I was like, yeah. And he's like, well, what are
• 2:17
  you thinking about? And so I was like, well, maybe
• 2:19
  he's like, actually just save it for the pod.
• 2:21
  So. Yeah.
• 2:22
  Yeah, I had a lot of grievances I wanted to air publicly, so
• 2:26
  this is the only way I could, you know?
• 2:27
  Oh. My God, no, I think one of our
• 2:30
  funny this like to give you guys an example of like what Chris
• 2:33
  and I fight about our road trip that we took.
• 2:37
  This is why I think it's so important And I I felt this way
• 2:39
  even before we took this trip. But you know, you're going for a
• 2:42
  road trip, you're planning all of your things.
• 2:44
  You're stopping by the gas station, you're getting your
• 2:46
  your fountain sodas, your favorite candies.
• 2:50
  Chris likes it's Rolo's. I always think it's Rolo.
• 2:55
  'S Carmelo's. It's Carmelo's.
• 3:00
  Oh, so I got my favorite things. And we were driving down, we're
• 3:04
  heading down to the beach, like Gulf Shore, Alabama, from Saint
• 3:07
  Louis. And we were going through, like,
• 3:09
  Arkansas and are just sitting there.
• 3:12
  And Chris looks over at me and he's like, what are our
• 3:15
  coordinates? And I was like, what are our
• 3:18
  coordinates? And he's like, yeah, babe, what
• 3:21
  are our coordinates? And I'm like, what is happening?
• 3:24
  What are our coordinates? This is a guy who, like, doesn't
• 3:26
  know where he's going. Even where we lived now, like
• 3:29
  where we live now, we've been here almost nine years, and he
• 3:31
  still uses, like, maps to get around.
• 3:33
  It's asking me what our coordinates are.
• 3:36
  So then I pick up my phone and I'm like, OK, like, what are our
• 3:40
  coordinates? And he's like, yeah, babe.
• 3:42
  And he knocks the phone out of my hand.
• 3:43
  And then he grabs the bag that I'm eating and I'm eating corn
• 3:47
  nuts. Tell me you guys know what these
• 3:50
  things are like. Who doesn't eat corn nuts on a
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  road trip? Like I don't eat them any other
• 3:54
  time. It's literally only when I'm on
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  a road trip. It's my corn nuts.
• 3:57
  But talk. Well, some miscommunication so.
• 4:00
  I will first address the fact that every time she tells the
• 4:03
  story, I get angrier and angrier.
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  Literally grabs the phone out of my hand.
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  You were so frustrated. Well, I'm asking a simple
• 4:12
  question. Oh no.
• 4:15
  OK, hold on. Pause.
• 4:17
  Oh, no. Oh, no.
• 4:21
  It's terrible. All right, we're back.
• 4:24
  I don't know if editing is going to keep in our fire alarm that
• 4:26
  just went off. Don't think it should be.
• 4:30
  We'll see if it makes a. Dog slurry.
• 4:31
  I get a towel. Oh my God, I gotta get a towel.
• 4:34
  All right, so now we're actually back.
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  As much as I love filming at home, things do happen in the
• 4:39
  house. And that was, that was a lot.
• 4:42
  It was a lot with the kids, huh? The kids hate the fire alarm
• 4:44
  more than anything in the world. So.
• 4:46
  If you're watching online, Eddie is now on the couch with us.
• 4:48
  Kind of the worst thing to happen during the middle of the
• 4:52
  recording just happened so. But there was a moment where I'm
• 4:56
  trying to tell Chris there's the one downstairs going off and
• 5:00
  he's got the one upstairs going off.
• 5:02
  They all went off at the same time.
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  That was crazy. So yeah, those are the things I
• 5:08
  think we would fight about. But going back, did you want to
• 5:11
  say something about the corn nut story?
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  The corn nut story, first of all, is like every time you tell
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  it, I get like 10. Like I get angrier and angrier.
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  When you place yourself and you remind yourself back into it,
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  there have been times you're like, I would remember myself
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  doing that. OK, so yeah, I guess younger me
• 5:28
  could get frustrated. Older me can get frustrated with
• 5:32
  this firearm, Yeah. Yeah, OK, a perfect example.
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  We literally were yelling at each other and I'm like, it's
• 5:40
  saying there's carbon monoxide and he's like, babe, stop
• 5:43
  talking. But as I would say this now,
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  he'd be like I wasn't yelling no.
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  No, no. So here's the thing.
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  And This is why we are perfect for each other.
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  Right. Yeah, Tell us.
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  I yell at almost everybody all the time.
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  True. You're the only person who is
• 5:58
  completely unaffected by me and you know.
• 6:04
  It's really true. Yeah, it's really true.
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  I don't. Know pretty much ignore me but
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  it's never that serious. I'm not that's angry, ever.
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  Yes, I think that's the difference.
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  I think, you know, I grew up in a household where people didn't
• 6:17
  yell. Everything was like whispers
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  behind closed doors, keeping things quiet, keeping things
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  calm. And I just have never
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  experienced like yelling or loudness or I don't know.
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  I'm I mean, I had a relationship that was not great where that
• 6:31
  happened and it felt it shuts me down.
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  And when we met and I saw you were you do get upset about the
• 6:39
  craziest things you guys like, but not but they're not
• 6:44
  important things. They're like, it's funny and
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  like it's almost like I think one of our friends just said
• 6:50
  this to me where like we think we're each other's alter egos.
• 6:53
  And I think if you say the things that I think are insane
• 6:56
  to say, but I'm actually feeling sometimes and that it's just,
• 7:00
  it's awesome and it's hilarious and I love to watch it.
• 7:04
  Thank you. And I will say this, and it's
• 7:07
  something I have worked on over the last, you know, decade.
• 7:13
  I handle big things pretty well. Like I get very quiet and I get
• 7:18
  very focused and very intentional in my words and
• 7:21
  everything. You have a medical problem.
• 7:23
  We're in the hospital for days. I'm there.
• 7:27
  I am like, hey, this is fine. Castle's on 24/7.
• 7:31
  We can just hang out here and just live our life here is not a
• 7:35
  big problem. I get stopped at 2 red lights in
• 7:38
  a row. I'm screaming about to RIP my
• 7:41
  steering wheel off. I don't know why the little
• 7:43
  things really bother me but we just talked about this the other
• 7:47
  day. I'm really working on it being
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  like, who am I to not get frustrated in life?
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  And then I just say it out loud like I'm getting really
• 7:55
  frustrated, calm down it's fine. And so usually it works, fire
• 8:02
  alarm aside. No, it's true.
• 8:06
  And I think some of the things that you say now, like when
• 8:09
  somebody doesn't use your blinker and you're like, great,
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  don't tell anybody what you're doing.
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  Make it a surprise. Like, so like, they make me
• 8:15
  laugh. So the way you've been working
• 8:17
  through it has been really awesome and fun to watch, too.
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  And also how I'm like, how I should add, like, levity and
• 8:23
  laughter to when I get frustrated too.
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  Yeah, I think for me, when I get mad up until like recently, like
• 8:30
  maybe like a year and a half ago, I used to break pencils.
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  I know it's weird. I had just for a lot of reasons,
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  anger is just not an emotion that I have been comfortable
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  feeling in my body, been comfortable expressing.
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  So, and maybe it comes from like worthiness or self doubt or lack
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  of confidence where things just wouldn't make me mad because I
• 8:53
  would just be like, well, I must have done something or I must
• 8:55
  have not explained it or I must have not braked for traffic.
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  Like it was always looking inward first.
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  And so anger just has been hard for me to, to manage through.
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  And I'm learning through therapy how to manage my emotions and
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  pencils was just my thing. So I mean, I'm sorry, I guess
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  actually I'm not sorry to all the pencil companies that I
• 9:16
  bought all the pencils. I just didn't use them maybe the
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  way they intended and just breaking them at my desk to
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  release some tension, but there's much healthier ways to
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  do that. Shaking things out, nervousness
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  from reset, all of the other things but.
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  Which I've also never seen you break a pencil.
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  I do it in. Private.
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  Yeah, I think you think it's like this shameful thing that
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  you're doing, which just makes it all the more hilarious in my.
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  Mind, I know it's I know, but I, I would say like there there is
• 9:45
  no perfect marriage and I if we're really going to talk about
• 9:49
  like the things that we fight about, it's not a fight.
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  I don't even think it's like the right word.
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  I think we both try really hard to be there for each other to
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  show up for each other, to choose each other every single
• 10:00
  day, but we're also both human. So we're going to make mistakes.
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  We're going to say the wrong thing.
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  We're not going to see something that maybe the other person
• 10:09
  really cares about and we're just like it's just not on our
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  radar. And I like to call those like
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  blind spots and like sometimes you just need to draw attention
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  to what they are and being able to communicate with your
• 10:21
  partner. We're both, this is not our
• 10:23
  first marriage. I think that's also really
• 10:24
  important. We both had married our high
• 10:26
  school sweethearts. And I think when you do that, I,
• 10:29
  I love to hear the stories of the ones that work out.
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  I think for both of us, it's we were both just, we were kids
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  when we got married and we were both trying to figure out who we
• 10:40
  were. Who were we becoming?
• 10:42
  Vocabulary is changing, jobs are changing, dreams are changing.
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  And so you're either growing together or you're feeling like
• 10:48
  the other person is is becoming somebody different.
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  And so as all of that is happening, I think communication
• 10:54
  was hard in our first marriages, but in this one, like that was
• 10:57
  something we talked a lot about of like we just have to tell
• 11:00
  each other when we're not OK. Yeah, I think also like telling
• 11:05
  the, you know, each other what didn't work in our past
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  relationships. Like you really don't like
• 11:14
  words, you know, like AI would never call you like a bad name
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  or something like that. Stuff is just off the table.
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  I mean I just wouldn't do it anyways, but like that stuff.
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  I had said that yes. Big outburst of anger, which I'm
• 11:29
  not an angry person, so that. On the big things like yeah.
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  But yeah, even the small things, I don't get angry.
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  It's not real anger. Anger.
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  I just get like, frustrated, like a little tantrum, like a
• 11:40
  child, you know, No. But that's.
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  True like but I would never like throw something across the room
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  like that. Seems insane to me.
• 11:47
  Yes, and that would be terrifying for me, right, But I
• 11:51
  also know like, and I as you're sitting here listening to this
• 11:54
  and you're thinking about your own relationships that you've
• 11:56
  been in or the one that you you are in now or as you're going to
• 11:59
  get into one. Like I do think it's even how I
• 12:02
  built my company where I was like, what was all the things I
• 12:04
  hated in corporate that I don't want to be doing at my new
• 12:06
  company and I built around that. And then your relationships, you
• 12:09
  can do that too, where we just did tell each other, like I told
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  Chris that you cannot UN unhear words.
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  So if you're going to be super upset, if you're a person who
• 12:20
  blows up and says like, gosh, you're such an asshole.
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  Like I'm always going to remember that you called me an
• 12:27
  asshole in that like for a long time.
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  It's good. Like I'm going to try not to
• 12:32
  hold on to it, but it's going to be in there and like burst of
• 12:36
  anger or throwing things like would completely shut me down.
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  And then you shared yours too, of like you were like, I just
• 12:42
  can't have you walk away. Yeah.
• 12:44
  Or like the silent treatment I don't want.
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  Talk to me what's going on. Don't just shut down.
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  Like that's not helpful in any way.
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  So yeah. And I think silent treatment is
• 12:55
  interesting because I do understand too.
• 12:58
  Like sometimes things happen where it's like, Hey, I'm going
• 13:02
  to be in the room with you. I'm my feelings are just really
• 13:04
  hurt or I'm trying to think of what the right words are that I
• 13:08
  want to say in this moment without it being too emotional.
• 13:12
  And so I just need a moment. And so like even that type of
• 13:15
  communication with you or it's like, hey, I just want to, I'm
• 13:17
  going to take a walk and I'm going to come right back or I'm
• 13:19
  going to, I'm just going to sit here for a minute and then have
• 13:22
  the conversation. So I think when you say silent
• 13:24
  treatment, it's more of like days on end or like you can feel
• 13:27
  the tension in the house and you're just like not talking to
• 13:29
  each other, but you can communicate to say like, I just
• 13:33
  need a moment. I love you.
• 13:34
  I'm going to come back to that. But I don't think we do very
• 13:37
  often even have breaks. I think the good thing and the
• 13:41
  bad thing about our fights is that I always think I'm right.
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  And you always know you're right, right?
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  So there's no silent treatment. You know what you're fighting
• 13:53
  for or like back. I've laid out my my case.
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  I'm going to be making exactly. And then I'm just stubborn and
• 14:01
  won't give in either, you know? So like the dialogue is there I
• 14:06
  would say. Yeah, yeah, it is.
• 14:08
  My I read somewhere someone said, like, if you're in the
• 14:11
  middle of the fight, like I can't do the like, you should
• 14:15
  just hug when you're both feeling like intense anger.
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  But if somebody is brave enough or has the wherewithal in the
• 14:24
  moment to just be like, can we just remember we're best
• 14:27
  friends? I don't know.
• 14:28
  It's diffusing I'm. Going to break that out, OK.
• 14:31
  I'm going to be like. Oh, arms out.
• 14:33
  Like break it in. No, don't let me in the middle
• 14:36
  of it. Yeah, it's happening.
• 14:39
  Oh my gosh, no. So I, I mean, this episode is
• 14:42
  like, what are the things that we fight about?
• 14:43
  And like, I think we have our funny, like people think we're
• 14:47
  fighting. Like if the fire alarm goes off,
• 14:50
  I think if you were in this house, you might be like.
• 14:52
  What is this happening a lot too?
• 14:55
  Like we'll be having some kind of tiff in front of people,
• 14:59
  which I just couldn't care less that they're there.
• 15:02
  Like, and people would be like, whoa, you guys are in a fight.
• 15:04
  And I'm like, what? No, we're not like we're just
• 15:07
  goofing around a little bit, you know?
• 15:09
  But some people get uncomfortable like.
• 15:12
  With the openness of the communication or the
• 15:14
  disagreement of a position and then like, oh, OK, I see we're
• 15:18
  like and net out. People are like, OK, all right,
• 15:23
  what's happening here? But I would think like our, our
• 15:26
  true like fights. And I say this with like air
• 15:28
  quotes are like more of feelings being or like positions being
• 15:35
  maybe misunderstood or like early on, Chris and I, I would
• 15:40
  ask for things, which if you know me, I ask for a lot of
• 15:43
  things. I want to do a lot of things.
• 15:44
  I want to go everywhere. I want to be everywhere, I want
• 15:46
  to do everything. And so I would always bring
• 15:49
  things up and he would just be like, no, I'd be like, what?
• 15:52
  And like, what do you mean no? And then we'd go, but why not,
• 15:55
  or like, but wouldn't you want to do this thing?
• 15:57
  And then like every time for like and you can feel it in my
• 16:01
  voice, which is like, no, the default answer was no.
• 16:05
  And then one day I just came to him and I was like, hey, like,
• 16:10
  I'm like, what is happening here?
• 16:12
  Like it's just, it cannot be no every time.
• 16:14
  And usually you end up giving in.
• 16:15
  So like, and then we have a lot of fun.
• 16:18
  So what's happening here? And then he shared with me, this
• 16:20
  is just a thing he did. Do you?
• 16:22
  Want me to tell him? Yeah, the thought process.
• 16:24
  OK, so yeah, she'll ask for everything, right?
• 16:27
  And so you say no to everything. All right, boom, no everything.
• 16:30
  And then things she really wants, she'll come back and
• 16:33
  fight for. And then you'd be like, oh, OK,
• 16:35
  so this is important. So yeah, we'll do those things.
• 16:37
  And yeah, it'd be great. We'll have a nice balanced life,
• 16:40
  you know, and for a. Little while I was like, OK,
• 16:42
  fine, you want to play this game, I'm going to ask twice for
• 16:44
  things that I want, But after that I was like s s I don't want
• 16:48
  I want to default. No, I just want to like, ask.
• 16:51
  And if I'm asking, it's got to be like, OK, she wants to.
• 16:53
  Do. Let's think.
• 16:54
  About it, yeah. And I think that like, it's this
• 16:59
  like, can you have a moment to say this is my best friend I've.
• 17:03
  I've chosen to spend my life with them.
• 17:05
  I love them beyond. And so when you're upset, what
• 17:09
  is it that you're upset about or why?
• 17:12
  What Like what? Communicate.
• 17:14
  Who has to take the first brave step of having the
• 17:16
  communication? I, you know, for us with our
• 17:19
  another thing that had come to mind of like true, like fights
• 17:23
  was like, I would come home and maybe make a comment about like
• 17:28
  the dogs, like we need to do this with them or can we do that
• 17:31
  with them or we need to fix this in the house.
• 17:33
  And Chris would say, like, I just don't think that's a big
• 17:36
  deal or no, I just want to worry about it.
• 17:37
  Like he would just like kind of dismiss it.
• 17:39
  And over like over time, it really started to like hurt my
• 17:45
  feelings, like actually hurt my feelings.
• 17:47
  And I couldn't understand what it was like.
• 17:49
  I wasn't just annoyed that I was being dismissed, but it was like
• 17:51
  actually like deeply hurting. And it was when I realized that
• 17:56
  and I actually talked to him about it and I was like, Hey,
• 17:59
  like when this happens, like it actually hurts my feelings.
• 18:02
  And he's, he would say, well, what do you mean why?
• 18:05
  And I had an opportunity to explain like, I just feel like
• 18:08
  I, I go to work and I work on things with the FDA and I work
• 18:12
  on big teams and I have direct reports and I'm, I'm important
• 18:15
  at work and I'm, I'm respected and people think I'm smart.
• 18:19
  And then I come home and I might make a comment about something
• 18:22
  and you're just like, no. And you're not even giving it a
• 18:24
  second thought. You're not giving it a moment to
• 18:27
  have a conversation about it. And so I'm like, wow, how like
• 18:30
  the person that I hold on a pedestal of like who I think's
• 18:34
  opinion of me actually matters to me doesn't think I'm smart or
• 18:39
  doesn't believe in the things that I'm thinking about
• 18:44
  communicating, wanting to change.
• 18:46
  And I feel like that was like a breakthrough moment for us
• 18:49
  because you didn't even realize, like it was that deep.
• 18:52
  I didn't realize that it was hurting your feelings like that.
• 18:54
  Like you thought I didn't think you were smart.
• 18:56
  And the whole time I thought you were the smartest person I've
• 18:59
  ever met. And I was shocked that you felt
• 19:02
  that way. And I was like, you kidding me?
• 19:04
  Like, no, like, you know, I can't think of a specific
• 19:08
  example, but you know, it was always something that would be
• 19:12
  like could go either way and nice to have, not a need to
• 19:15
  have. And I was like, oh, it's fine,
• 19:16
  you know? But you thought of it.
• 19:19
  You thought it was important give it some consideration at
• 19:22
  least versus being like just dismissing it so.
• 19:25
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big realization for me for sure.
• 19:29
  It was and it was also like, I just if you're as you're
• 19:31
  listening to this, like just be thinking about like, is there
• 19:35
  is, is there things that are upsetting you in your own
• 19:37
  relationship or have there been moments in past relationships
• 19:40
  where it might have just taken what could have happened if you
• 19:43
  or could happen? If you take a moment to really
• 19:46
  say like, I don't want to just be like, I'm so pissed at them,
• 19:49
  but like, why? Like why are you upset?
• 19:52
  Is it that your feelings are hurt?
• 19:53
  Is it that you feel like boundaries been crossed?
• 19:54
  Is it you feel that you're being dismissed?
• 19:56
  Like what is it? And then maybe have a vulnerable
• 19:58
  conversation with that person about it, and you might find
• 20:02
  that it's just a blind spot for them where they're like, Oh my
• 20:04
  God, like I had no. No idea, that's not how I
• 20:06
  thought. Yeah.
• 20:07
  And then the other like advice, you know, is to really listen,
• 20:12
  you know, and when the person comes to you and starts talking
• 20:16
  like it's even when you're in an argument, it's important to
• 20:18
  listen for two reasons. One, to hear, you know, how
• 20:20
  they're feeling and really the what's the motivation behind
• 20:23
  what they're saying. But then also like to look for
• 20:25
  cracks in their argument. If you're not listening, you're
• 20:27
  going to miss it. So if you want to tear, tear
• 20:30
  down brick by brick, you know you really got to be paying
• 20:33
  attention. OK, so moving into our mind
• 20:36
  blown moment of the episode, let's take most of what Chris
• 20:40
  just said. I also think the other good
• 20:43
  thing about us is we don't get overly emotional.
• 20:46
  I think that's the other thing I like to think about too, is
• 20:49
  like, you're not a very weepy, tearful person who gets like
• 20:54
  super hysterical and dramatic with fights.
• 20:57
  And I'm not an angry person. We just come and we have, you
• 21:02
  know, we talk it out. So I think that's probably why
• 21:06
  we're so good at fighting. But I would even say though, if
• 21:12
  you are like I if to have the self-awareness of like how are
• 21:17
  you processing your emotions? What does communication look
• 21:20
  like for you? Maybe it's like when you
• 21:22
  decided, when we decided for you to be a stay at home dog dad and
• 21:25
  I wrote the list down and wrote it across.
• 21:27
  Like maybe talking is too hard for you, or maybe that's too big
• 21:30
  of a first step and you could write a letter to your partner.
• 21:33
  You could, there's lots of different ways to communicate.
• 21:36
  And, and maybe it's going to like if, if you need couples
• 21:41
  therapy, like maybe you need somebody to be there.
• 21:43
  I don't know what it is for you, you listening, but I just I the
• 21:46
  mind blowing moment is you're in a relationship with someone.
• 21:50
  You are two human beings who have chosen to be together and
• 21:54
  you have fun together and you love each other and you are best
• 21:58
  friends. And so when something is not
• 22:01
  going the way that maybe your heart would like it to be going,
• 22:04
  or you're really having your feelings hurt, think about what
• 22:08
  it is for you. And if you come for small
• 22:11
  vulnerability first and you come with the intent of like, I'm
• 22:14
  just trying to make us better, whatever communication method
• 22:19
  works best for you. But think about that.
• 22:22
  Like if it's going to be too hard for you and you're crying
• 22:25
  throughout you, I, I might even start with that.
• 22:27
  If if you're like, I don't want to write a letter, I do want to
• 22:29
  talk to them. Might even want to tell your
• 22:30
  partner like, Hey, this is really hard for me to say and
• 22:33
  I'm probably going to cry throughout.
• 22:35
  And I don't even need you to like acknowledge me along the
• 22:37
  way. I just would like for you to let
• 22:39
  me finish and like then say the things, but then also give no
• 22:43
  that you're going to have to have the opportunity to what
• 22:45
  Chris just said of like then listen to what they're saying.
• 22:49
  This isn't a moment to just come in and be like, you did this,
• 22:51
  you did that, you did this. Like I, we don't use words like
• 22:55
  that, like you, you, you thing. It's more of like, hey, that
• 22:59
  thing that just happened, like it just really kind of hurt my
• 23:01
  feelings and I don't even know why.
• 23:03
  And, and we've had those conversations before where it's
• 23:05
  just been like, and then as we talked about it, I was like, Oh
• 23:08
  yeah, I think it's because, and maybe it's because I didn't
• 23:10
  think that you thought I was smart.
• 23:11
  Maybe it's because I whatever it is for you, but I think the mind
• 23:16
  blowing moment is be aware of your own communication style,
• 23:22
  how your emotions are processed and, and go into it with
• 23:27
  vulnerability. And I like you might find that
• 23:31
  it's not anything of what you thought what was happening.
• 23:34
  And once you get past that, like ever since we had that
• 23:37
  conversation and you were like, I think you are the smartest
• 23:39
  person. I always remember those words
• 23:41
  too. And I'm like, he does think I'm
• 23:43
  smart. So then if it later down the
• 23:45
  road, he's like, I'm like, no, I know he thinks I'm smart.
• 23:48
  So I just need to do a better job and not get upset.
• 23:50
  Don't shut down and be like, no, I really think that this is
• 23:53
  important because. And again, it goes back to
• 23:55
  communication. Yeah.
• 23:57
  So OK, every episode we also end with a challenge.
• 24:01
  And so I I think we kind of went into that in the mind blown
• 24:06
  moment of just, you know, first being vulnerable, but the
• 24:08
  challenge being like, think about how you where in your
• 24:15
  relationship are your feelings hurt?
• 24:18
  Or when you get into a fight, what is it that you don't love
• 24:21
  in terms of how you fight? And then consider talking to
• 24:24
  your partner about it. What would you say, my love?
• 24:31
  Yes, Oh my. God.
• 24:34
  OK, let me ask you another. Ask you.
• 24:36
  Yeah. Yeah, like.
• 24:38
  Give me some reaction. OK, what would you tell a couple
• 24:40
  that's having the same fight on repeat?
• 24:42
  Oh, same fight on repeat. Well, I think the same fight on
• 24:47
  repeat, then you're not one of you is not really understanding
• 24:52
  how they're feeling inside, like and not communicating that to
• 24:57
  the other person or how you're feeling is not being
• 24:59
  communicated to the other person.
• 25:02
  And I feel that is the important thing.
• 25:04
  So whatever you're feeling, you just got to make sure the other
• 25:06
  person really understands, you know, where you're coming from
• 25:10
  and how you're feeling. And if they really love you,
• 25:16
  they will, you know, try and, you know, help alleviate that
• 25:21
  that feeling so. Yeah, I and I think it's if you,
• 25:26
  if you go through it, go into it with this, like, hey, this is
• 25:30
  really hard for me because you also have to help them get into
• 25:33
  a place to be open to receiving whatever it is, right?
• 25:37
  They're going to take it as criticism or they're going to
• 25:38
  take it as. And it's, it's not that.
• 25:40
  It's just like, hey, there's this thing that's happening in a
• 25:42
  relationship where there was a moment where my feelings were
• 25:44
  hurt and and I don't want to feel that way because I love
• 25:48
  you, because you are my best friend, because I want us to
• 25:50
  have our best days together. So when you can put it around,
• 25:54
  like I think the other person has to be ready for it too.
• 25:56
  And maybe that's why it's on repeat, because it's been
• 25:59
  blowing up. So I think the more I think
• 26:02
  about it, there's no simple answer either to there's so many
• 26:05
  things that go in that are involved.
• 26:07
  Like 1, you have to be very secure in yourself.
• 26:10
  You have to know yourself. You have to not be defensive
• 26:12
  when someone gives you criticism or talks to you about it.
• 26:15
  You have to be open and listen, understand where that person's
• 26:18
  coming from and then, you know, be in the position to where you
• 26:21
  can change your own behavior if needed.
• 26:24
  You know, it's, it's a very difficult vulnerable position to
• 26:29
  be in sometimes. So it's not easy either.
• 26:32
  So I'm not going to say it's not easy, but I think we've just
• 26:35
  been uniquely blessed with our personalities that just mesh so
• 26:40
  well together. I don't know.
• 26:41
  I don't think it's as easy as you know.
• 26:44
  It's not as easy as a podcast that's going to fix it, but I'm
• 26:46
  hoping this conversation is just given anyone listening just
• 26:52
  thought starters. And also like it's I love what
• 26:54
  you just said of like, it's not always like I'm going to go in
• 26:58
  to tell the other person what they're doing wrong.
• 27:00
  There are times where you have to look at you're going to go in
• 27:03
  and you're going to say this thing happened and then you're
• 27:06
  going to find out in that conversation, Oh my God, like,
• 27:08
  hi, I'm the problem. It's me.
• 27:10
  I think for me, what's hard with you to say I'm sorry is I, I do
• 27:14
  feel like I try so hard every day to be a Good Wife, to be a
• 27:18
  good friend, to be a good mom, to provide, to do the things.
• 27:22
  And so when I do do something and I mess up, I'm like, but I
• 27:26
  had the best of intentions. I was do I was doing all of the
• 27:29
  things and I have to realize I'm still a human being.
• 27:33
  I'm still going to make mistakes.
• 27:35
  I'm there are going to be many times where I have to say I'm
• 27:37
  sorry and, and it's the right thing to do.
• 27:40
  But it saying it, sometimes it's so hard because I try so hard
• 27:45
  and that for me and when we do, when it is my turn to say like,
• 27:50
  I'm really sorry that that happened.
• 27:52
  I remember the first few times when I said that to you, I'm
• 27:54
  like, when you're and you laugh and I'm like, I'm really sorry,
• 27:59
  Like I really AM. And I'm awkward and I'm
• 28:02
  uncomfortable. But you give me the space to be
• 28:05
  those things because you can see that I'm trying and you can see
• 28:08
  that I am sorry and I'm trying to figure this out.
• 28:11
  And then we do move on. Like if you keep holding on to
• 28:14
  all of the things, they're just going to build and build and
• 28:16
  build and become a snowball at all.
• 28:18
  Where it's like, I think that's what's also wonderful about our
• 28:21
  relationship is like after we've talked it through, we're like,
• 28:23
  do you feel good? Like I love you, I love you too.
• 28:27
  And then we move forward and we move on.
• 28:29
  And it's not like another like thing that we're keeping track
• 28:32
  of. So 100% and I agree like you've
• 28:36
  done so much work on yourself too but God it's just the
• 28:41
  funniest. Sorry, you gave me was like the
• 28:43
  first one ever. You were so pouty.
• 28:47
  And I don't remember the fight. I don't remember what it was.
• 28:49
  I think you were clearly in the wrong, had to have been.
• 28:53
  And you were just like arms crossed, pissed about it.
• 28:58
  And you would say all the things that I didn't do right, but then
• 29:02
  you would end with. But yeah, I'm sorry.
• 29:06
  It was so not like healing in any way that's sorry for me, but
• 29:13
  I was like, that must have been really hard for her to do so
• 29:16
  and. You gave me the space to do it.
• 29:18
  I mean, we're light years beyond that, yes, from so.
• 29:22
  Yeah. Oh my gosh.
• 29:23
  Well, I hope you all enjoyed today's episode.
• 29:27
  I wasn't sure what this was going to feel like, like having
• 29:30
  the conversation, but it's actually been really fun.
• 29:33
  I have like, I just love talking about the things that we, I
• 29:36
  think we both have done a lot of work on ourselves.
• 29:38
  You talk about that too, of like, I'm still working on
• 29:40
  certain things. I think everybody is a work in
• 29:42
  progress and self-awareness is so important and loving the
• 29:48
  people around you is so important.
• 29:51
  And so I, I hope something today shifted in you or you felt
• 29:55
  inspired to do something different for yourself or in
• 29:58
  your relationship. And until next time, we'll see
• 30:01
  you then. Thanks for listening to the Blow
• 30:06
  Your Mind podcast. If something you heard today
• 30:08
  stayed with you, that's your cue.
• 30:10
  Apply one idea. Keep one promise to yourself
• 30:13
  this week because that's how you blow your mind.
• 30:16
  If this helped you build proof, shift your identity, or have an
• 30:20
  aha moment, share your receipts on Instagram and tag me at Erica
• 30:24
  under score Center. Leave a review wherever you're
• 30:27
  listening so more people can find this work and blow their
• 30:30
  minds too. I'll see you next time.