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312. Why You Become Critical Under Pressure | The Lion Tamer Pattern · The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast

• 0:00
  Kathie (2): What if the thing you keep criticizing isn't actually the problem?
• 0:05
  Kathie (2): What if the problem is what happens inside of you when something doesn't go the way you think it should?
• 0:12
  Kathie (2): Oh, there's that word, should.
• 0:16
  Kathie (2): Someone says the wrong thing, a coworker misses something obvious, your partner doesn't respond the way you expected, someone makes a decision you would never make, and almost instantly your mind has an answer.
• 0:31
  Kathie (2): Why would they do that?
• 0:34
  Kathie (2): They should know better.
• 0:35
  Kathie (2): What is wrong with them?
• 0:37
  Kathie (2): Why can't they just get it right?
• 0:39
  Kathie (2): Sometimes we even turn that voice on ourselves.
• 0:44
  Kathie (2): I should have known better.
• 0:46
  Kathie (2): Why did I say that?
• 0:47
  Kathie (2): I can't believe I did that.
• 0:49
  Kathie (2): What is wrong with me?
• 0:51
  Kathie (2): It can feel like discernment.
• 0:53
  Kathie (2): It can feel like intelligence.
• 0:55
  Kathie (2): It can even feel like we're protecting ourselves.
• 0:58
  Kathie (2): But underneath pressure, criticism can become something very different.
• 1:05
  Kathie (2): It can become a way of trying to make an unpredictable situation and world feel predictable.
• 1:14
  Kathie (2): And that brings us to the circus, because today we're meeting the lion tamer Welcome to the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 1:24
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen.
• 1:25
  Kathie (2): I'm a consultant, author, and creator of Human Patterns Under Pressure.
• 1:30
  Kathie (2): My work focuses on the human patterns that become visible when pressure enters a relationship, a leadership team, a workplace, or a major transition.
• 1:42
  Kathie (2): I study what people do when the stakes rise, because pressure has a fascinating way of revealing what was already there.
• 1:50
  Kathie (2): And today, we're talking about criticism.
• 1:55
  Kathie (2): Picture an old-fashioned circus.
• 1:57
  Kathie (2): The crowd goes quiet.
• 1:59
  Kathie (2): A lion tamer steps into the cage.
• 2:02
  Kathie (2): There's a lion on the other side.
• 2:04
  Kathie (2): The lion tamer has a chair in one hand.
• 2:07
  Kathie (2): He's watching the lion closely.
• 2:09
  Kathie (2): Every movement matters.
• 2:11
  Kathie (2): Where is the lion looking?
• 2:13
  Kathie (2): Is it listening?
• 2:14
  Kathie (2): Is it getting too close?
• 2:15
  Kathie (2): Is it about to move?
• 2:17
  Kathie (2): The lion tamer cannot relax.
• 2:19
  Kathie (2): He has to stay ahead of the lion, and that is what criticism can feel like under pressure.
• 2:26
  Kathie (2): We start scanning.
• 2:28
  Kathie (2): What is wrong here?
• 2:29
  Kathie (2): Who made the mistake?
• 2:30
  Kathie (2): What needs to be fixed?
• 2:32
  Kathie (2): What should have happened?
• 2:34
  Kathie (2): Should.
• 2:36
  Kathie (2): Who isn't doing what they're supposed to be doing?
• 2:39
  Kathie (2): Criticism becomes the chair we hold between ourselves and uncertainty.
• 2:46
  Kathie (2): And here's what makes this pattern tricky.
• 2:49
  Kathie (2): Sometimes something really goes wrong.
• 2:51
  Kathie (2): Sometimes someone did make a mistake.
• 2:54
  Kathie (2): Sometimes poor behavior needs to be addressed.
• 2:57
  Kathie (2): Sometimes standards matter.
• 2:59
  Kathie (2): Sometimes you need to say,"No, this is not acceptable." The goal is not to walk through life pretending everything is wonderful.
• 3:09
  Kathie (2): The question is different.
• 3:10
  Kathie (2): What happens inside of you when something isn't the way you think it should be?
• 3:17
  Kathie (2): That's where the pattern lives.
• 3:20
  Kathie (2): Criticism is not the same as observation, and this distinction is incredibly important.
• 3:28
  Kathie (2): Observation says,"He didn't respond to my email." Criticism says,"He doesn't respect me." Observation says,"She missed the deadline." Criticism says,"She's impossible." Observation says,"The employee made a mistake." Criticism says,"They don't know what they're doing." Observation says,"I stumbled over part of my presentation." Criticism says,"I was terrible." Do you see what happened?
• 4:00
  Kathie (2): We went from an event to a conclusion, from fact to judgment, and we can do it so quickly that we don't even notice the gap.
• 4:11
  Kathie (2): The gap is where the observer lives.
• 4:14
  Kathie (2): Criticism can point in three directions.
• 4:18
  Kathie (2): When we hear the word criticism, we usually think about criticizing other people, but criticism can point in three directions.
• 4:27
  Kathie (2): It can point outward,"What's wrong with you?" It can point toward the environment,"What's wrong with this situation?" And it can point inward,"What's wrong with me?" That third one is important.
• 4:42
  Kathie (2): You may never criticize another person out loud.
• 4:45
  Kathie (2): You may be kind, helpful, supportive, warm, but then you make one mistake and spend the next three hours replaying it.
• 4:54
  Kathie (2): "Why did I do that?
• 4:55
  Kathie (2): I should have handled that better.
• 4:57
  Kathie (2): I can't believe I said that." The lion tamer is still there, except now you're the lion, and you're standing over yourself with the chair.
• 5:10
  Kathie (2): So why do we do this?
• 5:12
  Kathie (2): Because criticism can create the feeling of certainty.
• 5:17
  Kathie (2): If I can figure out what is wrong, maybe I can fix it.
• 5:20
  Kathie (2): If I can figure out who caused the problem, maybe I can prevent it from happening again.
• 5:25
  Kathie (2): If I can correct myself enough, maybe I won't embarrass myself next time.
• 5:31
  Kathie (2): If I can correct you enough, maybe you won't hurt me.
• 5:35
  Kathie (2): Criticism can become an attempt to create safety.
• 5:39
  Kathie (2): But there is a cost.
• 5:42
  Kathie (2): Because when we're constantly looking for what is wrong, our field of vision gets smaller.
• 5:49
  Kathie (2): We stop seeing the whole person.
• 5:50
  Kathie (2): We stop seeing the whole situation.
• 5:53
  Kathie (2): We see the mistake, the flaw, the irritating behavior, the thing that should be different, and because that's what we're looking for, that's what we keep finding.
• 6:05
  Kathie (2): This becomes especially important in the workplace.
• 6:08
  Kathie (2): Imagine a leader walking into a meeting after getting bad news.
• 6:13
  Kathie (2): Maybe sales numbers are down, a client is unhappy, a project is behind, a transition isn't going smoothly.
• 6:21
  Kathie (2): The leader walks in already under pressure, and instead of asking,"What happened?" They ask,"Who approved this?" Feel the difference.
• 6:34
  Kathie (2): Everyone in that room does.
• 6:37
  Kathie (2): People feel leadership before they believe it.
• 6:41
  Kathie (2): If criticism becomes the leader's default response to pressure, people learn something very quickly.
• 6:48
  Kathie (2): Don't make mistakes.
• 6:50
  Kathie (2): Don't bring bad news.
• 6:51
  Kathie (2): Don't take unnecessary risks.
• 6:54
  Kathie (2): Don't say something unless you're sure you're right.
• 6:57
  Kathie (2): And eventually, the leader may complain,"Why doesn't anyone tell me what's going on?" Because the room learned that bad news comes with a chair.
• 7:09
  Kathie (2): That is why human patterns matter so much in leadership and organizational transactions.
• 7:15
  Kathie (2): You can have excellent financial diligence, excellent legal diligence, excellent processes, but human beings are still responding to pressure, and those responses affect what gets said, what gets hidden, what gets challenged, and what gets avoided.
• 7:36
  Kathie (2): This is where I want to go a little deeper.
• 7:38
  Kathie (2): Sometimes criticism sounds powerful, but underneath it may be something much more vulnerable.
• 7:44
  Kathie (2): "You never listen to me" might be covering,"I don't feel heard." Or,"You don't care" might be covering,"This matters to me.""You completely screwed this up" might be covering,"I'm scared about what happens next." And,"I can't believe I did that" might be covering,"I'm afraid people will think less of me." Sometimes it's easier to criticize than acknowledging what we're actually feeling.
• 8:17
  Kathie (2): Think about our lion tamer.
• 8:19
  Kathie (2): Maybe he isn't angry at the lion.
• 8:21
  Kathie (2): Maybe he's afraid of what the lion might do, and suddenly the metaphor changes.
• 8:29
  Kathie (2): This is where the observer comes in.
• 8:31
  Kathie (2): The observer does not say,"Stop criticizing," because now we're criticizing ourselves for being critical.
• 8:38
  Kathie (2): That's just the lion tamer wearing a different costume.
• 8:41
  Kathie (2): Instead, the observer notices,"Oh, I'm looking for what's wrong right now." No shame, no condemnation, no judgment, just awareness.
• 8:54
  Kathie (2): And then we can ask,"What am I actually observing, and what am I adding to it?" That question can change everything.
• 9:04
  Kathie (2): What actually happened?
• 9:06
  Kathie (2): What do I know for certain?
• 9:07
  Kathie (2): What story did I add?
• 9:11
  Kathie (2): And does anything actually need to be done?
• 9:15
  Kathie (2): Maybe it does.
• 9:17
  Kathie (2): Observation is not passivity.
• 9:20
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment does not mean tolerating harmful behavior.
• 9:24
  Kathie (2): Peace does not mean pretending something is okay when it isn't.
• 9:28
  Kathie (2): You can observe clearly and still have a boundary.
• 9:30
  Kathie (2): You can observe clearly and still give feedback.
• 9:33
  Kathie (2): You can observe clearly and still say no.
• 9:36
  Kathie (2): You can observe clearly and still leave.
• 9:40
  Kathie (2): But now you're responding to what is actually happening instead of fighting a story your mind created about what is happening.
• 9:49
  Kathie (2): That is a very different kind of power.
• 9:55
  Kathie (2): There are three principles I return to again and again in my work.
• 9:59
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment asks,"Can I see something I don't like without immediately needing to judge it, fix it, or make it mean something?" Radical responsibility asks,"What is happening inside of me right now?
• 10:14
  Kathie (2): What am I making this mean?
• 10:16
  Kathie (2): What belongs to me and what doesn't?" Courage asks,"What is the truth underneath my criticism?
• 10:25
  Kathie (2): Maybe I'm hurt.
• 10:26
  Kathie (2): Maybe I'm scared.
• 10:27
  Kathie (2): Maybe I'm disappointed.
• 10:29
  Kathie (2): Maybe I have a difficult conversation.
• 10:32
  Kathie (2): Maybe I need to set a boundary.
• 10:34
  Kathie (2): Or maybe I simply need to let another human being be different from me." That is courage, too Now, go back to that circus cage one more time.
• 10:48
  Kathie (2): The lion is standing there.
• 10:50
  Kathie (2): The lion tamer is holding the chair, but something changes.
• 10:54
  Kathie (2): He notices himself.
• 10:55
  Kathie (2): He notices how tightly he's gripping the chair.
• 10:58
  Kathie (2): He notices his need to predict the lion's next move.
• 11:02
  Kathie (2): He notices his fear, and slowly the chair lowers.
• 11:07
  Kathie (2): The lion hasn't changed.
• 11:09
  Kathie (2): The situation hasn't necessarily changed.
• 11:12
  Kathie (2): The other person hasn't changed.
• 11:15
  Kathie (2): The world hasn't suddenly agreed to behave the way he wants it to behave.
• 11:19
  Kathie (2): The relationship to the lion has changed.
• 11:24
  Kathie (2): That is the observer, and that is freedom.
• 11:30
  Kathie (2): Because the goal is not to stop seeing what's wrong.
• 11:34
  Kathie (2): The goal isn't to become blind to problems.
• 11:37
  Kathie (2): The goal is stop needing something to be wrong in order to feel safe.
• 11:44
  Kathie (2): You can see clearly without gripping the chair.
• 11:47
  Kathie (2): You can address problems without becoming the problem.
• 11:51
  Kathie (2): You can hold standards without holding everyone hostage to those standards.
• 11:56
  Kathie (2): You can make a mistake without turning yourself into the lion.
• 12:01
  Kathie (2): That is where power, presence, and peace begin to return, not because the lion disappeared, because you changed the way you stand in the cage.
• 12:12
  Kathie (2): Before you leave today, here's your observer question:"What am I actually observing, and what am I adding to it?" Try that the next time criticism shows up.
• 12:24
  Kathie (2): Don't fight it.
• 12:25
  Kathie (2): Don't judge it.
• 12:26
  Kathie (2): Just notice because observation creates awareness, awareness creates choice, and choice changes everything.
• 12:36
  Kathie (2): As always, I've included an article to accompany this episode.
• 12:40
  Kathie (2): It takes this conversation a little deeper and gives you another way to explore the pattern through the observer's lens.
• 12:48
  Kathie (2): You'll find that article linked in the show notes, in the description, and in the first comment on YouTube.
• 12:55
  Kathie (2): Thank you for spending this time with me today.
• 12:57
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen, and this is the Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast.
• 13:01
  Kathie (2): Until next time, keep observing.
• 13:04
  Kathie (2): You might be surprised by what changes when you finally put down the chair.