Latest / Beautifully Complex / 288: 5 Reasons Why You Should Stop Trying to Control Your Kid, with Penny Williams
Transcript
- 0:03Speaker 1: It is a very powerful thing for kids to experience
- 0:09Speaker 1: successfully doing something independently, and that cannot happen if we
- 0:17Speaker 1: are just controlling them. Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast,
- 0:24Speaker 1: where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids
- 0:29Speaker 1: straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm
- 0:33Speaker 1: a parenting coach, author and mindset mama, honored to guide
- 0:36Speaker 1: you on the journey of raising your a typical kid.
- 0:40Speaker 1: Let's get started. Hi, friends, Welcome back to Beautifully Complex.
- 0:47Speaker 1: In this episode today, I want to talk to you
- 0:50Speaker 1: about control, controlling your parenting, controlling your kids. We have
- 0:57Speaker 1: this idea in our culture that as parents, our job
- 1:03Speaker 1: is to control our children, and I am here today
- 1:09Speaker 1: to argue that that is not the case at all,
- 1:12Speaker 1: and that we are actually holding our kids back when
- 1:17Speaker 1: we focus on controlling them. Now, sometimes parents will say
- 1:22Speaker 1: to me, while if I don't control my kid, I
- 1:24Speaker 1: can't protect my kid. And I will argue with you
- 1:29Speaker 1: on that point, Yes you can, because your job is
- 1:33Speaker 1: not to protect them from everything in the world. They
- 1:39Speaker 1: still need to make mistakes, they need to do hard things,
- 1:44Speaker 1: They need to struggle sometimes in order to learn and grow. Rather,
- 1:49Speaker 1: what you're really saying is that you want to be
- 1:54Speaker 1: able to keep your kid safe, and you can keep
- 1:59Speaker 1: your kids safe and also relinquish a great deal of
- 2:05Speaker 1: your parental control over them. So I want to talk
- 2:09Speaker 1: to you about these five different reasons why trying to
- 2:14Speaker 1: control our kids is not the best approach, both for
- 2:19Speaker 1: us and for our kids and really for the world
- 2:23Speaker 1: in general. If my idealism we'll show through a little
- 2:27Speaker 1: bit here, So we're going to talk about releasing control
- 2:32Speaker 1: to foster autonomy, to help kids learn critical thinking skills
- 2:38Speaker 1: and problem solving skills, and to have more authentic connections
- 2:46Speaker 1: and a better relationship with our kids. We're going to
- 2:52Speaker 1: shift from compliance based parenting, which is very much control based,
- 2:58Speaker 1: to connect based parenting, because connection is everything. If our
- 3:06Speaker 1: nervous system is regulated, we feel connected. If we do
- 3:11Speaker 1: not feel connected, our nervous system is disregulated. And when
- 3:16Speaker 1: our nervous system is disregulated, things become less doable. We
- 3:20Speaker 1: don't feel good, Behaviors that are unwanted tend to happen.
- 3:26Speaker 1: We let our emotions control our decisions. All of those
- 3:31Speaker 1: things happen with a lack of connection, and so that
- 3:35Speaker 1: relationship with your kid has to really govern all of
- 3:41Speaker 1: your parenting. And I know I remember back in the
- 3:44Speaker 1: day when I was a kid, parents would say, my
- 3:47Speaker 1: job is not to be your friend, my job is
- 3:50Speaker 1: to be your parent. And that is sort of true.
- 3:55Speaker 1: But it's also true that it's okay to be a
- 3:58Speaker 1: friend to your kids. It's okay for your kid to
- 4:01Speaker 1: feel like you are their friend. That is the mark
- 4:05Speaker 1: of a great relationship. So don't worry about making sure
- 4:12Speaker 1: that you have this authoritarian relationship with your kid, because
- 4:18Speaker 1: that is actually holding you back. So let's jump into
- 4:23Speaker 1: that first reason why you should stop trying to control
- 4:28Speaker 1: your kids, and that is that strong parent child relationship
- 4:35Speaker 1: relationships are built on mutual respect and empathy, and when
- 4:40Speaker 1: they are built on those things, they have a lasting
- 4:42Speaker 1: positive impact. When you have a good relationship with your kid,
- 4:48Speaker 1: that connection is coregulating. It helps them to be regulated.
- 4:54Speaker 1: That connection also means that your child is going to
- 4:58Speaker 1: come to you when they need help rather than avoid you.
- 5:03Speaker 1: There are so many benefits of fostering a really good
- 5:08Speaker 1: relationship with your kids, and you should prioritize that relationship
- 5:14Speaker 1: above just about everything else, above getting homework done, above,
- 5:19Speaker 1: social commitments, above all those things that they tell us
- 5:24Speaker 1: are important. Getting your kid to school. We see so
- 5:27Speaker 1: many families struggling with school avoidance and refusal. Now, your
- 5:32Speaker 1: relationship with your kid matters more than if they go
- 5:34Speaker 1: to school or not that day. I know that doesn't
- 5:37Speaker 1: seem like a factual statement, but I promise you it is.
- 5:40Speaker 1: That relationship is crucial. When you are trying to control
- 5:44Speaker 1: your kid, they feel bad. They just feel bad. They're
- 5:50Speaker 1: not going to want to come to you. They're not
- 5:55Speaker 1: going to want to open up emotionally. They will feel
- 5:59Speaker 1: like they are only going to be judged, and then
- 6:02Speaker 1: you are going to try to control that outcome. When
- 6:06Speaker 1: you try to control your child, it often leads to
- 6:10Speaker 1: distance and frustration. They will put distance between you and them,
- 6:15Speaker 1: and you will get frustrated. They will get frustrated. This
- 6:19Speaker 1: mutual frustration happens so often. Right we find ourselves co
- 6:25Speaker 1: escalating when our kids have big emotions and things like that.
- 6:29Speaker 1: It is a mutual frustration. But we are the adult
- 6:34Speaker 1: and we have the skills in the practice to come
- 6:36Speaker 1: into those situations by offering coregulation, by dealing with our
- 6:41Speaker 1: own frustration. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be frustrated.
- 6:45Speaker 1: I'm just saying that you have the ability more than
- 6:48Speaker 1: your child, to cope with that frustration and to problem
- 6:52Speaker 1: solve and to come to the situation without just letting
- 6:56Speaker 1: that emotion control what you do and what you say
- 6:59Speaker 1: and you say it. There are things that you can
- 7:02Speaker 1: do to strengthen that parent child relationship, like active listening,
- 7:08Speaker 1: reflective listening, being fully present. We talk all the time
- 7:13Speaker 1: about time in special time, having time together on a regular,
- 7:18Speaker 1: consistent basis where you are fully present. You're not looking
- 7:25Speaker 1: at your phone, you're not answering a parenting question from
- 7:29Speaker 1: your significant other down the hall, you're not watching TV
- 7:34Speaker 1: in the background or anything like that. You're fully fully
- 7:37Speaker 1: present and then creating open lines of communication. This is
- 7:43Speaker 1: what you need to help your child be the best
- 7:46Speaker 1: that they can be, and it's what you need to
- 7:50Speaker 1: be the best parent that you can be as well.
- 7:55Speaker 1: Our second reason for stopping the need for control of
- 8:02Speaker 1: our children is one of my favorite phrases that I
- 8:05Speaker 1: learned from Greg Santucci, connection over compliance. When we are
- 8:14Speaker 1: having a hard time with our kid because they are
- 8:17Speaker 1: having a hard time, big emotions, a tensity, volatility, whatever
- 8:22Speaker 1: it might be, the most helpful effective way to approach
- 8:29Speaker 1: that hard time is by leaning into connection rather than compliance.
- 8:37Speaker 1: Compliance is a short term solution to a problem. It
- 8:41Speaker 1: is a band aid. It does not last. And honestly,
- 8:46Speaker 1: when we are just looking for compliance, we are robbing
- 8:50Speaker 1: our kids of the ability to grow, to be autonomous,
- 8:55Speaker 1: to learn skills, to feel like they matter in the world.
- 9:02Speaker 1: It's a big deal. So we want to really focus
- 9:07Speaker 1: on connection over compliance. If you've asked your kid to
- 9:11Speaker 1: do something and they are himming and hawing, or they
- 9:13Speaker 1: are refusing whatever it might be, rather than pressuring them
- 9:18Speaker 1: to comply, ask yourself how you can come into that
- 9:22Speaker 1: situation building connection instead. One example could be cleaning your room.
- 9:30Speaker 1: Your child needs to clean their room, You've asked them
- 9:32Speaker 1: many times, is not getting done. You could threaten, you
- 9:38Speaker 1: could you know, remind them of a particular punishment or
- 9:42Speaker 1: consequence that might be coming down the pike. You could
- 9:46Speaker 1: try to force compliance, or you could try to connect
- 9:52Speaker 1: with your kid and help them because they are not
- 9:56Speaker 1: avoiding cleaning their room just because I don't want to
- 9:58Speaker 1: clean their room. That is true, but most kids want
- 10:01Speaker 1: to do well, and so what's happening is there's some
- 10:04Speaker 1: barrier getting in the way. So what if you just
- 10:08Speaker 1: walked in and said, hey, today we're going to get
- 10:12Speaker 1: all the dirty clothes off of your floor and into
- 10:15Speaker 1: the laundry room. I'm going to help you, and you
- 10:18Speaker 1: just bend over and you start doing it. You start
- 10:21Speaker 1: picking those dirty clothes up off of the floor. The
- 10:24Speaker 1: likelihood is that your kid is going to start doing
- 10:26Speaker 1: it with You can't say one hundred percent of the time,
- 10:31Speaker 1: but you are offering coregulation and you are sending the
- 10:36Speaker 1: message that you see them, you get it, you understand
- 10:40Speaker 1: it's hard for them, and you want to help. So again,
- 10:45Speaker 1: compliance can create a short term solution. You can say
- 10:48Speaker 1: no electronics next week if you don't clean this room
- 10:50Speaker 1: right now. If electronics are your child's currency, if they
- 10:55Speaker 1: are motivating, then they may do whatever they need to
- 10:58Speaker 1: do to try to get that room cleaned up for you.
- 11:01Speaker 1: But if you work on connecting, then there are no
- 11:06Speaker 1: power struggles anymore, there's no resentment anymore. If you work
- 11:12Speaker 1: on helping, the same outcomes are true. When you build
- 11:17Speaker 1: the connection with your kid, it fosters trust, which helps
- 11:21Speaker 1: them self regulate because they feel safer and more secure.
- 11:27Speaker 1: So when you have things that you've asked your kid
- 11:31Speaker 1: to do and they feel non compliant, ask yourself how
- 11:37Speaker 1: you can make them feel safer and more secure in
- 11:41Speaker 1: that situation. And remember, when I talk about safety, it
- 11:45Speaker 1: is also mental, emotional, and social safety. It is not
- 11:51Speaker 1: just physical safety. You can prioritize connection in lots of ways,
- 11:58Speaker 1: like spending time that is very intentional together, which I
- 12:02Speaker 1: just talked about in fostering that relationship right, and you
- 12:06Speaker 1: can validate their emotions and their experience without judgment. Wow,
- 12:12Speaker 1: I see that your room is so overwhelming. When I
- 12:17Speaker 1: ask you to clean your room, you probably have no
- 12:20Speaker 1: idea where to start, and it feels like it is
- 12:24Speaker 1: a mountain that you cannot climb. I get that it
- 12:28Speaker 1: is a lot. What if we start by just picking
- 12:33Speaker 1: up the dirty clothes today, that's it. We're just going
- 12:35Speaker 1: to grab them up in our arms and we're going
- 12:38Speaker 1: to take them to the laundry room and I'll even
- 12:41Speaker 1: race you. Let's see who can pick up more faster
- 12:45Speaker 1: on your market set. Go imagine those two scenarios how
- 12:49Speaker 1: differently your kid is going to respond. Right. So, connection
- 12:55Speaker 1: over compliance foster a strong parent child really relationship. When
- 13:01Speaker 1: you relinquish some control, those things can happen. Do you
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- 14:53Speaker 1: complex and use code complex. Reason number three to stop
- 15:08Speaker 1: trying to control your kids is that when we let
- 15:12Speaker 1: go of control, we allow our kids to think critically
- 15:17Speaker 1: and find their own solutions. Those are essential skills for life, folks.
- 15:23Speaker 1: Those are essential skills for adulting, problem solving and critical thinking.
- 15:29Speaker 1: If you are trying to control your kid, then you
- 15:32Speaker 1: are telling them what to do. You're not giving them
- 15:34Speaker 1: the space to figure it out. You're not giving them
- 15:38Speaker 1: the space to make mistakes and learn from them either,
- 15:42Speaker 1: and that doesn't give them the space to do hard
- 15:45Speaker 1: things and get to the other side of it. There's
- 15:48Speaker 1: so many skills here that we are fostering when we
- 15:53Speaker 1: stop trying to control our kids. Constant control prevents our
- 16:00Speaker 1: kids from developing those problem solving skills because they don't
- 16:04Speaker 1: get the chance to make choices or to face challenges
- 16:09Speaker 1: on their own. When I did the Anxiety Summit twenty
- 16:14Speaker 1: twenty four, about a month before I am recording this,
- 16:19Speaker 1: I was talking with Leonor Skanazi, author of Free Range
- 16:23Speaker 1: Parenting and co founder of let Grow, and we were
- 16:29Speaker 1: talking about how independence really helps to counterbalance anxiety. And
- 16:40Speaker 1: in their program at let Grow, they challenge kids to
- 16:45Speaker 1: choose something that they want to do wholly by themselves,
- 16:49Speaker 1: completely independently, and then they have them do it, and
- 16:53Speaker 1: then they report back about what that experience was like.
- 16:57Speaker 1: And so often kids realize that they can do more
- 17:02Speaker 1: on their own than they think they can. They just
- 17:06Speaker 1: need someone to believe in them, to believe that they
- 17:09Speaker 1: can do it, and then they will take the risk,
- 17:12Speaker 1: and they will push forward and they will figure it out.
- 17:16Speaker 1: It is a very powerful thing for kids to experience
- 17:22Speaker 1: successfully doing something independently, and that cannot happen if we
- 17:30Speaker 1: are just controlling them. If you want to model or
- 17:37Speaker 1: encourage critical thinking and problem solving skills, you can do
- 17:41Speaker 1: things like asking open ended questions and letting your kids
- 17:46Speaker 1: brainstorm for solutions to those everyday problems. If your kid
- 17:51Speaker 1: comes to you and says, mom, dad, nana, Papa, how
- 17:57Speaker 1: do I do blink or what do I do now?
- 18:01Speaker 1: Don't give them the answer. Ask them what they think
- 18:06Speaker 1: comes next. Ask them how they think that process should go.
- 18:11Speaker 1: Help them to navigate the path without telling them what
- 18:17Speaker 1: to do or how to navigate that path. Hopefully that
- 18:21Speaker 1: makes sense to you. Reason number four to stop controlling
- 18:26Speaker 1: your kids is because when you control your kids, they
- 18:30Speaker 1: cannot develop any sort of autonomy. And we need autonomy
- 18:37Speaker 1: for confidence, for self esteem, for motivation, to feel like
- 18:43Speaker 1: we have purpose in the world. Right. It is so
- 18:46Speaker 1: very important, and we have so many systems in place
- 18:50Speaker 1: in our culture that remove any sense of autonomy. If
- 18:55Speaker 1: you think about our school system, it is about everyone
- 19:00Speaker 1: and doing things the same. It's about consistency and compliance
- 19:04Speaker 1: and fitting in, and that then removes any potential for
- 19:12Speaker 1: developing autonomy. Lots of great teachers will offer choices in
- 19:20Speaker 1: maybe the assignments that they give or things like that,
- 19:22Speaker 1: little glimpses of autonomy. But we need to give kids
- 19:28Speaker 1: full access to developing autonomy, and we do not do
- 19:35Speaker 1: that whatsoever if we are focused on controlling them. Giving
- 19:40Speaker 1: kids age appropriate autonomy helps them feel capable, confident, as
- 19:45Speaker 1: I just said, and they learn to trust themselves. Oh
- 19:50Speaker 1: my gosh, y'all, they learn to trust themselves. That is huge,
- 19:55Speaker 1: especially kids who are anxious, especially kids who have rological differences,
- 20:01Speaker 1: are neurodivergent. Trusting themselves doesn't come easy because they notice
- 20:08Speaker 1: those differences or they fear negative outcomes. So fostering autonomy
- 20:14Speaker 1: to help our kids trust themselves and their own judgment,
- 20:18Speaker 1: their own decisions and choices is huge, and you can
- 20:23Speaker 1: encourage that in so many different ways. Allow your kids
- 20:28Speaker 1: to pick out the clothes they're going to wear to school,
- 20:30Speaker 1: what they'd like to have in their lunch box, what
- 20:32Speaker 1: they'd like to have for breakfast. Maybe on Fridays, the
- 20:37Speaker 1: kids take turns choosing what you're going to have for
- 20:40Speaker 1: dinner together. And give them some little responsibilities. That is
- 20:44Speaker 1: another great way to build autonomy. If you want to
- 20:49Speaker 1: give your kid the responsibility of feeding the cat every day,
- 20:54Speaker 1: set them up for success. Make sure they understand what
- 20:57Speaker 1: the process is. They have executive functions, challenges, post a
- 21:02Speaker 1: list of the steps or photographs of the steps for them.
- 21:06Speaker 1: Make sure they can be successful. But give them that
- 21:10Speaker 1: responsibility and then notice their success with it. And then
- 21:16Speaker 1: our number five reason for not trying to control your
- 21:22Speaker 1: kids is that we are trying to raise individuals. We
- 21:27Speaker 1: are not raising mini me's, We are not raising many
- 21:32Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. We are raising individual, unique people, little
- 21:38Speaker 1: people who need some guidance, yes, but they are individuals.
- 21:43Speaker 1: They should have the opportunity to develop their own interests,
- 21:50Speaker 1: their own beliefs, their own strengths, and their own path.
- 21:55Speaker 1: And like I was talking about a second ago, in education,
- 21:58Speaker 1: we can give kids more choice about what they want
- 22:01Speaker 1: to study. For instance, at home, we can give kids
- 22:06Speaker 1: more choice about the activities that they want to participate in,
- 22:11Speaker 1: when they do their homework, when they take their daily shower.
- 22:15Speaker 1: We can give them those opportunities so that they can
- 22:18Speaker 1: develop into the person that they are meant to be,
- 22:23Speaker 1: into their authentic self. And again, when we're talking about
- 22:27Speaker 1: kids or nerdi version or have anxiety, is very hard
- 22:30Speaker 1: for them to sometimes be very real in front of
- 22:34Speaker 1: others because they're afraid that those differences might be judged.
- 22:39Speaker 1: And so it's our responsibility to help them feel safe
- 22:42Speaker 1: and secure in who they are and to develop their
- 22:47Speaker 1: own unique personhood. I challenge you to really let go
- 22:54Speaker 1: of some of your expectations around your kid being like you,
- 23:00Speaker 1: and that is not the easiest thing to do, especially
- 23:04Speaker 1: if there were lots of things that were part of
- 23:06Speaker 1: your childhood that you really enjoyed. We tend to attach
- 23:10Speaker 1: that to our kid's childhood and say, well, you know,
- 23:13Speaker 1: my childhood was happy because of the summer camp I
- 23:16Speaker 1: went to every year, for example, So my kid really
- 23:20Speaker 1: needs to go to this summer camper or similar summer
- 23:22Speaker 1: camp because that's what childhood is about and that's what
- 23:25Speaker 1: brings joy. Well, maybe that's not true for your kid.
- 23:29Speaker 1: Maybe you have a kid who hates the outdoors or
- 23:32Speaker 1: you know, doesn't like being away from mom and dad
- 23:35Speaker 1: for a long period, doesn't like going somewhere where they
- 23:39Speaker 1: don't know anyone. We need to offer opportunities, and we
- 23:44Speaker 1: need to let our kids choose where they want to go.
- 23:49Speaker 1: What opportunities do they want to engage with, What opportunities
- 23:53Speaker 1: do they want to pass up. It is okay if
- 23:58Speaker 1: they pass things up that you you feel like are important,
- 24:02Speaker 1: they may come back to them. They may not be
- 24:05Speaker 1: important for them. It doesn't mean that they're not going
- 24:08Speaker 1: to have a happy, successful adulthood, whatever that looks like.
- 24:12Speaker 1: For them. Give them the opportunity for self discovery, and
- 24:18Speaker 1: they will find themselves. They will find their greatness and
- 24:22Speaker 1: their joy, and they will figure out the path for them.
- 24:28Speaker 1: But if we try to pigeonhole them into the path
- 24:31Speaker 1: that we think they should take, if we try to
- 24:34Speaker 1: pigeonhole them into being the person we think they should be,
- 24:37Speaker 1: or believing the things that we believe, we are creating
- 24:42Speaker 1: a huge cavernous gap in that relationship, for one thing,
- 24:48Speaker 1: and we're not helping them be their authentic selves. We
- 24:51Speaker 1: are sending the message that they're not supposed to be
- 24:55Speaker 1: who they are. They can't be who they are. Who
- 24:57Speaker 1: they are isn't okay. And none of those met or
- 25:00Speaker 1: what we want for our kids. So let's recap. We
- 25:03Speaker 1: have five reasons that we need to stop trying to
- 25:07Speaker 1: control our kids. Number one, the parent child relationship is everything,
- 25:14Speaker 1: and you want to foster a strong relationship. Number two,
- 25:20Speaker 1: connection always works better than trying to force compliance. Number three,
- 25:27Speaker 1: we need to be able to teach problem solving and
- 25:29Speaker 1: critical thinking skills, and that can't happen if we control
- 25:33Speaker 1: our kids. Number four, we want our kids to develop
- 25:38Speaker 1: autonomy and to have the confidence and the motivation and
- 25:43Speaker 1: the self esteem that goes with that. And then reason
- 25:46Speaker 1: number five, we are raising unique individuals. We're not raising
- 25:51Speaker 1: many versions of ourselves. When we relinquish the control, our
- 25:56Speaker 1: kids get to follow their own path. Remember, as a parent,
- 26:03Speaker 1: your role is a guide and a supporter. I often
- 26:08Speaker 1: talk about it as though you're the sherpa. You're helping
- 26:13Speaker 1: and you're providing your wisdom, But they are determining how
- 26:19Speaker 1: they want to go on that journey, and what that
- 26:23Speaker 1: journey looks like for them, and how they receive it,
- 26:27Speaker 1: what emotions and stories they attach to it. When you
- 26:31Speaker 1: take up the role as the guide and the supporter,
- 26:35Speaker 1: you're helping them to navigate life with confidence and curiosity
- 26:42Speaker 1: and resilience because they're learning all those skills that they
- 26:45Speaker 1: don't get to learn if you're trying to take control.
- 26:50Speaker 1: So I want you over the next week to try
- 26:54Speaker 1: one small intentional shift toward connection of control. What can
- 27:02Speaker 1: you do to foster connection? What can you do to
- 27:06Speaker 1: relinquish some control? I promise you in the end it
- 27:12Speaker 1: will be a better outcome. It will help you to
- 27:15Speaker 1: show up as the parent that you want to be
- 27:18Speaker 1: for your kid. You can access the show notes for
- 27:21Speaker 1: this episode at Parenting at ADHD and Autism dot com
- 27:26Speaker 1: Slash two eight eight for episode two hundred and eighty eight.
- 27:30Speaker 1: Please take good care. I will see you next time.
- 27:34Speaker 1: Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex Podcast. If
- 27:38Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't
- 27:41Speaker 1: forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching
- 27:45Speaker 1: at Parenting ADHD and Autism dot com and at the
- 27:49Speaker 1: Behavior Revolution dot com