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Is Shame the Same as Embarrassment? · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:00
  Mary: Hi, welcome to a mini episode of Nose Shrinking Violets.
• 0:05
  Mary: Is shame the same as embarrassment?
• 0:07
  Mary: Well, the short answer is no.
• 0:09
  Mary: They sort of have the same root, but that's about it.
• 0:13
  Mary: So when I talk about taking up space, I talk about that a lot on this show.
• 0:18
  Mary: And I think when we do that, when we're really aligned with, you know, being who we are, advocating for what we want, we feel really powerful.
• 0:27
  Mary: But sometimes the road there feels awkward and cringy, and we don't like the feeling of maybe speaking up for something that someone else won't like.
• 0:43
  Mary: Part of taking up space obviously is self-advocating.
• 0:46
  Mary: So you're making a case for something that you need or want.
• 0:50
  Mary: And that's where the trouble can come in.
• 0:53
  Mary: Because sometimes people will respond to you stepping out of your lane with the weapon of shame.
• 1:03
  Mary: And I want to talk about maybe one or two experiences I've had to give you context, but also to help you recognize the difference and resist the urge to step back in your lane, to let somebody else put those guardrails back on your life just because they think it's not okay for you to self-advocate.
• 1:30
  Mary: So sometimes I hear people use the feelings or the emotion of embarrassment and ashamed interchangeably.
• 1:39
  Mary: To me, they're really not the same at all.
• 1:42
  Mary: Embarrassment is a behavior that's often unintended.
• 1:47
  Mary: Right now, we see a lot of embarrassing things if we just look at the reels on social media, because we see people slipping and falling or just doing things that would feel embarrassing.
• 2:00
  Mary: So, for instance, let's say you're in the grocery store, you drop a jar of pasta sauce, it breaks, it's everywhere, it's a mess, everybody looks at you.
• 2:10
  Mary: It can be embarrassing.
• 2:12
  Mary: Um, let's say you run into someone that you know you've been introduced to, you call them by the wrong name.
• 2:19
  Mary: Those are the embarrassing things in life that they just happen and we're all human.
• 2:26
  Mary: And so that's just an accidental behavior.
• 2:29
  Mary: We're trying our best.
• 2:31
  Mary: Those are just the embarrassing things.
• 2:33
  Mary: Okay, so shame.
• 2:35
  Mary: Shame, on the other hand, is when we do something that someone else has taught us reflects who we are in a negative way.
• 2:48
  Mary: And what tends to happen is then we start to assume this interpretation is correct.
• 2:57
  Mary: And it often starts with how someone reacted to something we did.
• 3:00
  Mary: Okay, so let me use the example and change the pasta sauce example.
• 3:06
  Mary: I'm going to change something.
• 3:07
  Mary: Let's say, as a kid, you're in the grocery store, you're trying to help, you get a you grab a jar of pasta sauce, you drop it, it breaks.
• 3:15
  Mary: Your mom is embarrassed.
• 3:19
  Mary: So she yells at you and she tells you, you are always so careless.
• 3:24
  Mary: And now look at the mess you made and look at all the work you made for the person who has to clean it up.
• 3:29
  Mary: It was simply an accident.
• 3:32
  Mary: You were a kid, but now in your mind, you have started to connect that doing something accidentally means you're careless.
• 3:46
  Mary: And often when we start to have these adjectives assigned to us: selfish, careless, lazy, there's often a qualifier.
• 3:59
  Mary: You're always so careless.
• 4:03
  Mary: Um, you're always selfish.
• 4:06
  Mary: So when a thing happens in the future, another accidental thing, instead of it just being an accident, maybe we weren't paying attention, but we're human, we're not perfect.
• 4:19
  Mary: Now there is an indictment.
• 4:21
  Mary: You're so careless.
• 4:24
  Mary: And so it happens sometimes because, like maybe in the instance of, you know, the kid with the pasta sauce, maybe the mom was embarrassed.
• 4:34
  Mary: And in her mind, she didn't want people to judge her as not paying attention to her kid.
• 4:39
  Mary: She then shames the child.
• 4:41
  Mary: Now I'm doing some psycho babble there, that's a little complex.
• 4:45
  Mary: But often this comes from something deep-seated in the person that does it.
• 4:53
  Mary: But that is what shame is about.
• 4:55
  Mary: Somewhere we got an idea that who we need to be is perfect, or at least we need to not make waves, or we need to do what someone else always thinks or prefers that we do, because otherwise, fundamentally, we're not okay.
• 5:10
  Mary: So, one of my examples, I remember a time and I was not a kid.
• 5:15
  Mary: I was a young adult, but I was doing something or telling my mom about something.
• 5:20
  Mary: I don't even remember what the topic was or what was happening.
• 5:24
  Mary: But my mom didn't like it.
• 5:26
  Mary: I maybe it was even I was a little bit late for a holiday dinner.
• 5:31
  Mary: I don't remember.
• 5:33
  Mary: Um, but at that point, you know, I was a young adult, had my own job.
• 5:37
  Mary: I was pretty responsible.
• 5:39
  Mary: This was definitely not the norm, whatever was happening.
• 5:44
  Mary: Or, you know, sometimes when I would talk to her about career things, she was from a very different generation.
• 5:51
  Mary: Um, so she didn't always understand the priority on the career stuff.
• 5:57
  Mary: So anyway, we were talking, or there was something she didn't like, and her and what she said was, you're just like Jim.
• 6:06
  Mary: Okay, so Jim was one of my older brothers, my selfish, drug addicted, violent older brother.
• 6:13
  Mary: Was I anything like him?
• 6:15
  Mary: No.
• 6:17
  Mary: But did I do something my mom didn't agree with?
• 6:19
  Mary: Yeah.
• 6:20
  Mary: And so her weapon was shame.
• 6:23
  Mary: And I know that she was using shame because that is what was done to her.
• 6:30
  Mary: I understand that I am not dissing my mom.
• 6:35
  Mary: Overall, I mean, my mom was great.
• 6:39
  Mary: She she brought her own baggage into her role as a mom.
• 6:45
  Mary: And I totally understand that.
• 6:47
  Mary: But I think some of these things that happen to us that inform this sense of shame, they're not always done intentionally.
• 6:57
  Mary: They're done because the person wielding that weapon of shame is trying to excuse something in themselves, perhaps, or they don't like what you've advocated for.
• 7:13
  Mary: I know recently I advocated for something.
• 7:16
  Mary: Um, it was sort of like I was a client, I was advocating with someone in a professional capacity.
• 7:22
  Mary: Um, when I really did advocate and expressed a concern about how something was handled, shame was used.
• 7:32
  Mary: Clearly, shame was used.
• 7:34
  Mary: And this is somebody that professionally I have a lot of respect for.
• 7:39
  Mary: And, you know, it was a situation that I already felt a little uncomfortable because I had to do something a little bit unusual for me, which was advocate to get a change to something when knowing that, you know, there was an event happening.
• 7:57
  Mary: It's a long story.
• 7:59
  Mary: But I really felt like this was a case I needed to advocate for.
• 8:04
  Mary: I felt like I was offering a good compromise.
• 8:07
  Mary: And I also in that wanted to express a concern and was met with clearly an attempt to make me feel bad using shame.
• 8:21
  Mary: And one of the things that I think is interesting, well, first I will tell you that when the response came, I had just a touch of shame.
• 8:32
  Mary: You know, like, oh my God, I'm such an asshole.
• 8:35
  Mary: However, it didn't last long because I've navigated this, you know, not uncommonly in my life.
• 8:42
  Mary: And it was, it put me in a situation of could I have responded in a different way to um defend myself?
• 8:55
  Mary: Absolutely.
• 8:56
  Mary: But it didn't matter because once that happened, that shifted the feeling that I had about the relationship.
• 9:06
  Mary: And so I simply thanked the person, wished them well, and that was the end of it.
• 9:12
  Mary: But it really, it was one of those things that was really unexpected.
• 9:16
  Mary: And so what it made me think of is how often when I think of the times that someone has wielded shame as a weapon, it has been almost 100% of the time another female.
• 9:32
  Mary: And that is fascinating to me, although I get it because it's what we learned.
• 9:37
  Mary: We know what that feels like.
• 9:39
  Mary: And so we're gonna use that on someone else.
• 9:44
  Mary: And I know it seems counterintuitive, but the message that I really want to leave you with to ponder is first of all, know the difference between embarrassment and shame.
• 10:00
  Mary: Embarrassment is just a normal human response to doing something that might make us look a little goofy or silly or or even careless.
• 10:11
  Mary: But but being careless for a minute doesn't mean that you are ultimately and 100% careless.
• 10:20
  Mary: Shame, on the other hand, is imbued with a sense of how it reflects on your worth.
• 10:29
  Mary: And that is not about you.
• 10:32
  Mary: That is about messages you received, it's about the person that is creating that feeling or is trying to wield that to get you back in your lane because they don't like what you're doing.
• 10:46
  Mary: So be very clear.
• 10:48
  Mary: And when it's embarrassment, if you can look at that with a sense of sort of self-deprecating laughter, or, you know, it's we all do it.
• 10:58
  Mary: Shame on the other hand, I want you to think about that.
• 11:02
  Mary: Be curious about it.
• 11:03
  Mary: What is coming up for me?
• 11:04
  Mary: Why does this feel so agonizing?
• 11:07
  Mary: And then put the blame where it belongs and reevaluate how you're connecting your sense of worth to decisions that you make.
• 11:17
  Mary: You have every right to stand in your space, advocate for yourself, and ask for what you need.
• 11:23
  Mary: Thank you for listening.
• 11:24
  Mary: And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.