Latest / The Brass Neck Podcast / The Brass Neck Podcast: Episode 7 With Neil "The Wee Man" Bratchpiece - A Doctors Appointment. That Will Be Right!

Transcript

The Brass Neck Podcast: Episode 7 With Neil "The Wee Man" Bratchpiece - A Doctors Appointment. That Will Be Right! · The Brass Neck Podcast

0:00
Welcome to the Brass Night podcast brought to
0:02
you by No Mean Radio here in the Variety Bar
0:04
on Sucky Hall Street. My guest today was the
0:06
star of what I consider to be the first ever
0:08
Scottish viral video. His lyrics echoed through
0:12
the hallways of every high school and 20 years
0:13
later they continue to do so. We discuss begging
0:17
to see your mythical doctor, being chipped in
0:19
a hairdresser's in Partick and the terror of
0:22
tiny, tiny Jews. He's a comedian. He's an artist.
0:26
He's a writer. He's a poet. He's my pal. But
0:28
most importantly, he's going to pump your ma.
0:32
He is Neil, the wee man Bratspiece. I was the
0:51
best man and she was the belle of the ball. Well.
0:57
Well, well, well. No, we just need to get something
1:02
out of the way here. I'm a big believer that,
1:05
you know, always just, doesn't matter what's
1:07
around you, plow on. It's your problem. Know
1:10
theirs. You're an entertainer. Help them forget
1:14
about the doom and gloom of life. But I'm not
1:18
able to, quite frankly, because this is essentially
1:22
the plague edition. of the Brass Neck Podcast.
1:26
Welcome to the bunker. Welcome to the bunker.
1:29
I would all, I would welcome plague. At least,
1:32
if I had to, see if somebody went, you've got
1:34
the plague, I'd go, thank you for the clarity.
1:36
Thanks for diagnosing something. Right. Thank
1:38
you for diagnosing me with something. Do I want
1:41
the plague? No. Do I know I've got it? Yes. And
1:44
that's the benefit. That's the plus side. Now
1:47
give me those leeches and I'll go home. I'm not
1:50
joking. See if my doctor, whoever that may be,
1:53
diagnosed me leeches. I'd take them. At least
1:58
it's something. At least it's something, right?
2:00
Because as we're just, again, elephant in the
2:04
room, I'm not trying to be cool here, all right?
2:07
I'm not doing my Keith Richards. I'm wearing
2:10
black shades out of necessity because my eyeballs
2:13
are 80 % blood, right? 80 % blood. I can't really
2:19
see. The hood's just for dramatic effect. A kind
2:24
of druid style thing. I'm sweating already. We're
2:27
minutes into this podcast. I cannae see. And
2:32
my guest here, Neil, you're decaying. Aye. It's
2:39
actually a nice synergy because I don't want
2:41
to be seen right now. I'm an eyesore right now,
2:44
man. I'm covered up as much as possible. I can
2:45
feel it. I can feel it. I can feel the heat.
2:48
It's actually cold in here, but you're warming
2:50
me. And if you hear any random coughs, it's because
2:55
the third person in the room, Sean, you're, oh,
2:57
there he's away there. There he's away. Listen,
2:59
you just need to deal with it. I don't want any
3:00
complaints about, oh, there's coughing. Listen,
3:04
we're here, all right? We've dragged ourselves
3:07
into this studio on death's door. Yeah. Out of
3:11
respect for you, okay? Never miss an episode.
3:14
Never miss an episode. So yous are welcome. Yous
3:17
are welcome. But aye, we were just talking about
3:20
there before, just before Bonnie B. Gina McCall
3:22
perked us back up, about the days of being able
3:26
to systematically abuse your body and just feel
3:32
zero effects other than, I want to do that again.
3:35
Not even a consideration. just i can start partying
3:39
uh going after party yeah friday night and keep
3:43
going until the next friday curtains never got
3:46
opened i mean i've got a pal uh dunn who doesn't
3:50
have curtains you met dunn i've met you bet done
3:53
right so that doesn't surprise me i don't actually
3:56
completely adds up i met dunn we we went on gredo
3:59
stag do it was 22 hours went to vegas and i didn't
4:02
meet done until the way back right How did that
4:05
happen? Back when I was 22 years old, I didn't
4:06
meet him till the way back. Now Don doesn't have
4:10
curtains in his house. Now Grado's been married
4:12
for about four years, right? He still doesn't
4:15
have it. And to that point now, he said recently,
4:18
I'm going to have to get curtains. I went, don't,
4:19
because you know having curtains is the only
4:22
constant in my life. And I feel like if you got
4:25
curtains, things would start to fall apart. Do
4:28
you know what I mean? Good to see you, man. Aye,
4:30
aye. So how... How does he live without curtains?
4:34
Does the event any block the sun coming in? Full
4:39
blown sunlight all the time. All the time that
4:43
he doesn't want. I mean, I'm sitting here, maybe
4:46
that's my problem. Maybe I'm not getting enough
4:49
vitamin D because my curtains are too strong
4:51
or something. He's got a better idea than me.
4:53
Just throw your curtains out the window. It's
4:55
not that he hid curtains, but I think he threw
4:57
them all out the windows. Attached to? Why? I
5:01
don't know, man. I don't know. I'll need to get
5:03
more at some point. Dunn's a difficult one to
5:05
describe slash explain, but he's also got a DVD
5:09
addiction. He's got so many DVDs. He's got four
5:17
copies of Cool Runners. One for each member of
5:20
the team. One for Doogie Doog. One for Leon.
5:24
I can't remember. You could say any four names.
5:28
I would just assume you were right. Let's just
5:29
say John Candy. John Candy. John Candy. He's
5:33
the coach that they got. Right. Is he like an
5:36
ex -bobsledder? Back in the day. John Candy was
5:40
a bobsledder. I can't remember the plot. This
5:42
is a comedy, right? Aye. That's how we lost.
5:45
I remember something about a lucky egg. In Cool
5:48
Runnings? Aye, he's got a Lucky Egg. I cannae
5:52
mind. Have I just remembered one detail about
5:56
a film that... Someone's got a Lucky Egg in Cool
5:57
Runnings? Aye, see, I told you, he keeps his
5:59
Lucky Egg down. Aye, aye, aye. Aye. So he's got
6:02
four copies of Cool Runnings. He orders all sorts
6:06
of signed... He sent me one recently. It was
6:11
a DVD signed by Mickey Rourke. That's pretty
6:15
cool. That's pretty cool. Is it a Mickey Rourke
6:16
film? I don't think so. I don't think so. I think
6:19
it's Sister Act or something. Mickey Rourke at
6:23
this point is like, was I in that? I can't remember.
6:25
He's hilarious. Absolutely. He's mental. But
6:29
I don't know how you used to, I mean, I could
6:32
not, I'm currently in my house, curtains drawn
6:35
because of my sensitivity to sunlight. Yeah,
6:39
yeah. And the funny thing is, if I take these
6:40
glasses off, which I'm no gonny. I day look like
6:44
the old Dracula. My eyeballs are fully red. Yeah,
6:49
yeah. Kind of Dracula, but he's starving. He's
6:53
needing new fresh blood, man. Aye. Dracula. It's
6:56
the bit when Gary Oldman cuts his own tongue
6:58
instead of biting Keanu Reeves. You're sort of
7:00
at that stage where you're just like, fucking,
7:02
I need something. I keep biting my own tongue
7:03
because I cannae see where I'm putting my foot
7:05
and all that. So my eyes are constantly glued
7:09
shut, right? But... But I also think I've got
7:14
a urine infection. So I'm up peeing constantly.
7:17
So now, I'm so used to it that I don't even try
7:21
and unpick my eyelids. I just feel my way to
7:23
the toilet. Day the toilet and get back to my
7:26
bed. And then day the big pick in the morning.
7:29
And then apply my drops. It's absolutely brutal.
7:33
That is crazy. I'm tired. When you say the big
7:36
pick, what are you talking, scabs? No, my eyes
7:43
are obviously weeping. Is it eye boogies? Because
7:45
I get severe eye boogies, but is it sort of mere
7:48
fluidies? Well, it just feels like tears, which
7:53
it might be because I'm very sad about this.
7:54
But obviously during the night, it's weeping
7:58
again. And then I wake up and my eyelashes are
8:00
stuck together. So, aye. And then, you know,
8:06
what's wrong with me? I don't know. I don't know
8:09
what's wrong with me. Is your doctor not told
8:12
you? My doctor? Aye. What is doctor? What is
8:15
doctor in 2026? What is doctor? I'm telling you.
8:18
I don't know what my doctor looks like. I'm starting
8:22
to think my doctor's an impressionist. Because
8:24
every time I speak to them, they've got a different
8:25
accent or a different... Male, female, Irish,
8:29
English. Like, are you... Are you toying with
8:32
me here? Yeah. Are you trying to make me think
8:34
that I'm going to half my nut as well as gone
8:37
blind? I genuinely think they are. I've had this
8:39
suspicion for a while that they are, that there's
8:42
like, there's word from the top at the NHS that
8:44
they're just trying to subtly dissuade anyone
8:47
from ever coming in to the waiting room. Remember,
8:50
you used to go into a doctor's waiting room and
8:52
it was murder, right? Because it was full. Yeah.
8:54
But at least you're going to get seen. So now
8:59
I go up to my doctors and they've still got massive
9:00
waiting rooms. They're just sat there empty.
9:03
And it's like desolate and bleak. And I preferred
9:05
it when there was signs of life. Aye. Civilisation,
9:09
man. Aye. A bit of a vibe. Aye. A bit of a party
9:13
going, man. I mean, they be squirrelling with
9:15
the beats going mental, their brains all playing
9:16
with them. Aye. Tell you what, magazines must
9:18
have taken a nosedive. Oh, man, nobody's read
9:21
about golf for about seven years, man. Take a
9:24
break, it's went under. Aye. Does he even exist
9:27
anymore? Who's watching who? It was the Death
9:30
of Nuts magazine. It was the Death of Nuts magazine.
9:32
Do you know what I mean? The NHS has killed ladbags.
9:36
Those poor lasses, man. They're just getting
9:38
their chebs out for no reason now, you know what
9:40
I mean? Now they poor lasses used to be megastars.
9:43
They're riddled with depression. Aye. But they
9:45
cannae get seen to. Because the doctors don't
9:47
exist. Yeah, nobody's seen to them. Doctors,
9:49
photographers, nobody. No. They're just, no.
9:52
Nobody's interviewing them. And folk cannae see
9:54
them because their eyes are full of blood and
9:56
they don't know what's wrong with them. I tell
9:58
you what, man. So instead of going to the doctor,
10:01
do they make you fill out an online form before
10:04
you even get talking to anyone first now? No.
10:07
Because that's what I've got. And they're like,
10:08
the online form's like, what do you think's wrong
10:10
with you? I'm like, well, fucking, I never trained
10:12
for seven years. You need to phone up half past
10:16
eight on the dot. Aye. And then it'll say your
10:18
number. Boom. And they call you, right? And then
10:21
you speak to the receptionist. that you need
10:23
to tell the receptionist which rang me which
10:25
I've got a real problem as well because I'm like
10:27
no disrespect but you're a receptionist and I'm
10:30
you're not trained to hear about my arsehole
10:32
hen aye like I've had to stand there you'll hear
10:34
about it I'm gonna hear you'll hear about it
10:36
in detail I'm not holding back here I'm actually
10:38
grateful sometimes that the waiting rooms are
10:40
empty now because I'll go up to the I'll go up
10:42
to the desk and whenever she asks me like what
10:44
do you need prescribed at that point like a family
10:47
will come stand behind me and I'll be like Anusol
10:51
suppositories. That's spelled A -N -U. Do you
10:56
know what I mean? What was that again? I'm like,
10:58
anusol. And it's good when you're like, maybe
11:00
you and I were known by this, so you use that
11:02
as a bit of a game. Like, you think this is embarrassing
11:05
me? Oh, no, no, no. Wait till you see this. Yeah,
11:08
exactly. I'll explain every single thing in front
11:11
of this. women wear for young kids. It doesn't
11:13
bother me, but I'm going to give their kids trauma
11:16
if you're hearing the word anus. And then it
11:18
was like, are you going to get a sample? A urine
11:22
sample? I went in and she was like, just bring
11:24
a sample. And I said, whoa, wait till you're
11:26
this. This is a belter, right? This is a belter.
11:29
So last year, urine infection, right? Really,
11:33
really bad. Shockingly bad. Screaming. Couldn't
11:36
leave the toilet. I phoned my doctor from the
11:38
toilet and I says, listen, I am... I cannae leave
11:42
the toilet. I'm constantly bursting. I'm constantly
11:44
doing the toilet. I'm in so much pain. She went,
11:48
well, I mean, there's not much. You'll have to
11:50
come in. I went, but let me just say that again.
11:53
I cannae leave the toilet. I need to be within
11:57
seconds of the toilet at the time. I mean, can
12:00
you not get a taxi? I went, no, no, no. I can
12:01
get somebody to bring me. Oh, well, just come
12:03
in then. Wait, I'm going to say it again. I cannot
12:06
get away from my toilet. Do you know what my
12:10
doctor suggested that I did? Can you not just
12:13
cut a milk bottle in half? What? Right? I was,
12:18
she took my breath. I was like, are you suggesting
12:21
that I sit in the passenger seat of my sister's
12:24
car screaming and pissing into half a milk bottle?
12:30
Because if, please, you have to be winding me
12:33
up. Like, I was waiting for that, like, you know,
12:35
the confetti, and I'm on the radio going, oh,
12:37
yeah, you've just, I mean, are you, how dare
12:39
you tell me to do that? How dare you tell me
12:42
to do that? Well, I mean, see how bad I've told
12:45
you. Can you not just maybe, like, send me something
12:47
that I can maybe take that will allow me to get
12:49
from here to you, and then we can test this?
12:51
Or send me something, and I'll, surely, if you
12:54
don't get a courier, if you don't get a guy on
12:55
a bike, there's a million Just Eat drivers out
12:57
there. Start something. Just piss. like something
13:04
like there should be a i can't go past any hotel
13:06
at any mcdonald's in the town there's 50 bikes
13:09
with big blue boxes in the back of them get them
13:12
outside the doctor and if i can't leave the toilet
13:14
send a guy with a bottle instead of asking me
13:17
to degrade myself by cutting a milk bottle in
13:19
half aye right and what if i get three quarters
13:22
a pint i'm just gonna eat all that eat hundreds
13:25
of cereal get into the bottle or a waste how
13:27
dare you ask me to do that yeah what happens
13:28
like halfway through the journey as well you've
13:30
filled up a half a milk bottle up, which you
13:32
probably would have. Which 100%. You just chuck
13:34
it out of the window. Aye. Do you know what I
13:36
mean? Someone having a picnic just gets a fucking
13:38
big one day gusty. In front of my wee sister.
13:42
Aye, aye. I don't get who it was, my wee sister
13:44
or my dad. I am not doing that. Yeah. How, I
13:48
couldn't believe it. I mean, is this, and then
13:50
you phone up and go, it could be something you're
13:52
eating. Have you tried, have you tried stopping
13:54
drinking after this? Is this, I think I'm a doctor.
13:58
If that's what it takes, just on the phone going,
13:59
it could be something, we'll see if it is going
14:00
to. Find out what it is and tell me. I'm sweating.
14:05
Aye. As we're saying, I've had better bedside
14:10
manners fae AI these days. ChatGBT actually has
14:14
talked to me like a person. Treating me with
14:19
respect. No, genuinely. You know what I mean?
14:22
Gave me consoling words whereas every doctor
14:25
just rattles through prescriptions like, have
14:27
you tried this? You tried this? This might work,
14:29
it might not. All right, see you again in about
14:30
six months. And then you go for a round of golf,
14:33
man. It's like they're slagging you off for being
14:35
no well. How dare you be fucking sick? What is
14:38
it? You disgust me. What? You're coming into
14:41
my office unwell? Yeah. Putting me at risk? You're
14:44
a doctor then? Aye. Or are you? What is doctor?
14:48
Yeah. What is doctor? Can anybody answer? Because
14:52
I remember back in the day. Back in the day.
14:56
And then we'll take a left turn here. So I'm
14:59
watching this 1882, 1883. Dallas put me on that
15:04
great Western. And I've been watching that to
15:07
try and make myself feel better. Because the
15:10
antibiotics aren't working. My eyes are on fire.
15:12
But I'm watching that going, at least, this is
15:15
how bad it is. At least I'm no living. In the
15:19
wild west At least I'm no, I mean it's 2026 and
15:26
the only thing that's making me feel better is
15:29
saying to myself at least you don't live in the
15:32
wild west At least I'm no dyneist like dysentery
15:35
or syphilis in the middle of some open white
15:38
plans man Maybe I am Maybe I am Maybe it's making
15:41
a comeback man But nobody's telling me anything
15:42
Honest to god like I don't want to threaten people
15:45
but You better see me. Yeah. I was getting to
15:50
the terms like that. Listen, I've tried my very
15:53
best. I was doing that voice where I'm like trying
15:55
not to shout, but really nearly greeting. Yeah.
15:57
If somebody doesn't see me, I will phone back
15:59
tomorrow. But if I don't see somebody, I'm going
16:02
to go to A &E. I don't want to, but I will. And
16:05
I swear to God, if there's something wrong with
16:07
me, and you have ignored me, I'm taking you down.
16:11
Yeah. full promo but one of the best promos I've
16:14
ever cut tears in my eyes well there's tears
16:16
in my eyes all the time but anyway so aye that
16:21
was a good do you know what actually that made
16:22
me feel a bit better aye aye aye I just spoke
16:25
to AMD in quite a few days so and I'm glad and
16:27
in a way I'm glad you're feeling like shit as
16:30
well aye aye so thank you for coming in here
16:32
not in top form because that would have been
16:34
quite disrespectful if you'd have come in here
16:36
all perky and all that and I'm sitting here looking
16:39
like what's who's gonna play Dracula back in
16:42
the day. Who's that? Christopher Lee? Christopher
16:44
Lee. Christopher Lee. Aye. So that's the world
16:49
we live in these days. But the reason, so I've
16:54
spoke to a bunch of times. I noticed that when
16:58
I become pals with people, or when people become
17:01
pals with people, you tend to stop asking questions.
17:05
You stop digging, all right? So I... I got to
17:08
know you, how long ago now? When was it? 15,
17:11
16 year. Aye. 2010, I must have the first appearance
17:16
in ICW. It must be. Your first appearance in
17:19
ICW was Maryhill. Maryhill Community Hall. Community
17:23
Central Halls. Nene's knew you, but you were
17:27
the, you know, the kind of guest star to come
17:30
in. And I remember, because you might remember
17:36
differently, You sang your song and you forgot
17:41
the lyrics. I forgot. I fucked up all the words,
17:43
man. Aye, aye. And you had 40 ICW wrestlers in
17:47
the back, word for word. Word for word. Not missing
17:50
a beat, man. Not missing a beat. I was getting
17:51
every fourth or fifth word. And everyone else
17:53
was hitting every beat, man. I vividly remember
17:56
Lionheart as if he had rehearsed it. Aye, aye.
17:59
Just knew every single word. I knew I should
18:01
have done it the other way around because I remember
18:03
I'd done two songs. I've done a less well -known
18:06
one but I could remember all the words to that
18:09
and that's the one I've done second when Noam
18:12
Dar and Rob Cage jumped me from behind I should
18:15
have done it the other way round I should have
18:16
opened with that I remember all the words and
18:18
then started to hear you and get jumped and that
18:20
would have got massive for you because what would
18:22
I need to sing along with that do you know what
18:23
I mean even the first word just getting to jump
18:25
you imagine the heat they would have got for
18:30
that much much more and it would have covered
18:32
your your lack of knowledge you had one job so
18:39
it kind of dawned on me recently that um again
18:43
because i've i've known you since that time on
18:45
and you became a mainstay and we all became pals
18:48
and the wee man character and the song right
18:53
in fact can i remember just before you go into
18:55
that man i remember doing that show and i think
18:58
maybe the next time i actually bumped into you
19:00
or maybe we've done a couple shows by that point
19:02
but I didn't know you that well but I remember
19:04
very well that I bumped into you just by chance
19:07
on Argyle Street and I was shopping for a Halloween
19:10
costume right remember this and I bumped into
19:13
you didn't know you that well by that point and
19:18
then you were like what are you up to and I'm
19:19
like I'm shopping for bits for a Halloween costume
19:22
It's quite obscure, right? But we are seeing
19:25
a film called The Lost Boys and you're like,
19:26
aye. And I was like, this is even more obscure.
19:29
But do you remember there's a bit when they're
19:30
on the beach and there's a guy and you're like
19:32
that. The big muscly guy plays that. Oh, I still
19:34
believe. Just knew it immediately. In the cave
19:37
for days. All your spark. Light my way. Want
19:43
to give out. Wanna give in. This is our time.
19:48
This is our sin. But I still believe. I still
19:52
believe. Give us that saxophone. Give us that
19:55
saxophone. That was a belt in a costume, by the
19:59
way. And I had a real saxophone the first time
20:00
I'd done it because my sister used to play saxophone,
20:02
so there was still one sitting in the house.
20:04
So it was a full -blown saxophone. It was half
20:06
the size of me, man. I mind Wolfgang had a saxophone.
20:09
One of the times he's been like that. I'm going
20:11
to learn to play saxophone. bought a saxophone
20:13
and it sat at his fireplace. Unblown. Completely,
20:16
completely unblown. That's a shame, man. I know.
20:19
That'd be some image, Big Wolfie fucking... Of
20:21
all the people. I kind of wish that he'd secretly
20:24
learned it. Yeah. So that one day he just like...
20:26
Come out to Baker Street, man. This old thing,
20:28
I can barely... I'm really not prepared. I'm
20:34
going to hit the careless whisper. It's a...
20:38
But I... Can I say vividly remember? dancing
20:42
on the bar and you've got the pink shiny tights
20:47
on the codpiece the whole thing and there was
20:51
a guy there was a guy in the front row that i
20:56
just i wouldn't take my eyes off it and it kind
20:58
of it would make them deeply uncomfortable when
20:59
i was feeding them sweets While you were behind
21:02
me, like, thrusting and playing the saxophone.
21:07
Yeah, we were like, this is making him uncomfortable.
21:08
Should I stop? No, it's got another three minutes.
21:10
The guy was just stunning. You could tell he
21:11
was like, mate, can you please? I'm begging you
21:14
to stop doing this. I'd love to think that guy
21:15
was just visiting Glasgow for the night. That's
21:18
his last impression. He's wandered in, though,
21:20
is this? You're getting, do you like sweeties?
21:22
Yeah, yeah. You're getting hand -fed sweeties
21:24
by me while my pal plays Tim Capello in the background.
21:27
What was Glasgow like? This sort of heavy S &M.
21:32
Bondi gentlemen. It's got a vibe to it, aye?
21:34
Aye, aye. But see, on the subject of dressing
21:37
up as things, you, I know you have a really hefty
21:43
supply of bits and bobs. Oh, aye. Over the years,
21:47
man. Wigs, costumes, props. I've built up such
21:50
a collection that I'm like, I'm actually, I need
21:53
to go and get more big tubs to stick the bags.
21:55
Bags of wigs and bits of costume, because they're
21:58
just sort of, they're in bags, but I've still
22:00
got a spare room that's just made of wigs. I
22:03
love this, right? Because I'm the opposite. I
22:05
don't, that would annoy me, right? But do you
22:08
know who? So, Big M Shamer, right? Coach Trip,
22:12
right? Talking of Vegas, when I met, done with
22:16
the way back. There was one day where I had my,
22:20
I didn't pack an adapter. So I was like, Shane,
22:25
have you got a plug I can use? Aye, I'm on in.
22:28
So I went into his room and he's opened his suitcase
22:30
and he's going through and I went, why have you
22:33
got face paint, a mullet wig and two Ray Mysterio
22:38
masks in there? And he just, without missing
22:39
a beat, he just went like that. always pack the
22:42
gimmicks. And that was it. And I just didn't,
22:45
I didn't question it. I was like, oh, all right,
22:47
cool. And then every night, we'd boot during
22:49
the day and I'd go out, I'd chat with him at
22:51
six o 'clock, cool. And every, my door would
22:53
go and I'd look through the peephole and Shamer
22:55
had a different gimmick every night. Like the
22:58
first night, he'd painted his beard all black,
23:00
like mine. So he dressed up as me. The second
23:02
night, he'd like, he had like a handlebar moustache
23:04
and an American flag cowboy hat, big shades on.
23:08
And he did this, and then, So, he's always got
23:13
cowboy hats, right? Because he's got a character
23:15
called the UVF Cowboy. And the UVF Cowboy went
23:20
to the cat house one night, and I thought, this
23:22
is going to be hit or miss. Oh, my God. I went
23:25
to the toilet, and I came back. Shamer is in
23:27
the middle of that. There's a circle of people
23:29
around him. And he's got his belt off, and he's
23:31
yee -hawing it. And all these lasses are all
23:33
clapping their horns and all. He absolutely stole
23:36
the show. But he says he's had to start hiding
23:38
these cowboy hats because he's got too many of
23:40
them. He just keeps buying like 10 -gallon hats.
23:43
So you, we are a multitude of wigs, masks, props.
23:48
I really talked to Shamer about the mullet wig
23:50
because they are tricky to find, by the way.
23:52
Well, listen. Try to get a mullet wig or you
23:54
try to get a wig that's just a generic guy's
23:57
haircut that's short. Almost impossible, man.
23:59
Well, and sadly... Where would you have went
24:01
before to find all your supplies? Tam Shepard's
24:04
RIP, man. Duttied. No word to lie, like I'm genuinely
24:10
upset by it. Endian era. Aye. That's us town
24:13
done, man. Genuinely, because it was the one,
24:16
like, I cannae think of another shop that kind
24:21
of, you know, encapsulated Glasgow. Aye. Because
24:24
my mama would have went there, my granny would
24:25
have went there for generations. It didnae matter
24:27
what, and it always seemed to be under the counter.
24:31
You ever notice that? You would go in and go,
24:32
in fact, the last time I went in there, I was
24:35
looking for two schoolboy uniforms, right? So
24:40
I was like, I'm looking for two schoolboy uniforms,
24:42
right? And I went, no, wait. It's just like,
24:45
I'm a joke shop. But I'm pure going, it's for
24:48
a wrestling show. I've got this tag team called
24:50
the Big Bash Bully Boys. I went, a certain type
24:54
of schoolboy, you know, with the wee caps within.
24:57
These? They were right there. It's like Mr. Ben
24:59
or something. She never had to go in the back
25:02
to find something. It was under that desk. But
25:05
I used to love getting in there. It was unchanged,
25:10
untouched. Same family that ran it for you. Same
25:12
family. So friendly, so knowledgeable as well.
25:15
They knew everything. And when I found out that
25:18
was shut, you go, aye. Devastate. I cannae think
25:21
of another Glasgow shop quite as... infamous
25:27
or, do you know what I mean? Like an institution?
25:28
Aye. Like, the other one I would think is maybe
25:30
like Glickman's. You know, the Swedish shop down
25:33
the bar is. Right. It's been there for, you know,
25:36
I don't know how long, but Tam Shepherds really
25:38
was, it was like kind of ingrained into the kind
25:41
of culture of Glasgow. Yeah. And to know that
25:43
it's just a, it's an online shop now. It's an
25:46
online shop. What's actually happened with the
25:48
shop space? What's there now? I don't know. I
25:50
don't know. It's still the way it was. I told
25:54
you I tried to buy the sign. I see, aye. I contacted
25:57
them and said, like, listen, because I was starting
25:59
to kind of worry because months had passed and
26:02
the sign was still outside and I'm like, somebody's
26:05
going to, maybe they won't steal it, maybe that's
26:08
just my thoughts, but I'm like, somebody's going
26:09
to take that and I emailed them and I was like,
26:10
listen, it may sound like a really strange thing,
26:12
but I would love to buy the sign off you. It's
26:15
just, I collect things for kind of, you know,
26:17
old Glasgow and she said, it's not a strange
26:20
request, but you're currently up against a museum.
26:24
And I was like, No, get it to the museum. I'd
26:27
much rather the museum had it and other folk
26:29
can enjoy it, but if anything happens, can you
26:31
please let me know? Because I don't want it to
26:32
just get ripped down with a demolition of the
26:35
building, which I'm assuming is going to happen.
26:36
Do you know what I mean? I just opened my vape
26:39
shop next to it. I know, I know, I know. It's
26:43
grim, it really is. And you go, just being able
26:45
to walk in there, just for a wee gander, and
26:48
they had everything. And I don't know why I was
26:50
thinking this the other day, I was like, imagine
26:52
the process of opening a trick shop. that the
26:56
mind of a person that opens a trick shot. Do
26:59
you know what I mean? It's like just such a childish,
27:01
like you must be somebody that just looks at
27:03
the world in a different way because, and how
27:05
do you stock up? How do you go from an empty
27:07
unit to having every fake jobby? Yeah, every
27:13
type of moustache. Every type of moustache. Every
27:15
wig, every colour of face paint, silly string,
27:19
clown shoes. Magic tricks. The full -on latex
27:23
masks were brilliant as well. Big Freddy Krueger
27:25
efforts. Do you mind the ones you used to get?
27:27
I can smell it when I'm saying it. They were
27:29
like Disney. And they were kind of tight and
27:31
you would stretch them out. Like Mickey Mouse
27:33
and all that. Mate, they were the best. I have
27:37
bought so much stuff out of there. Yeah. The
27:39
chewing gum. Do you want a chewing gum? Of course.
27:42
And it snaps your fingers. I mean, that would
27:44
be against health and safety now. Do you know
27:47
what I mean? Yeah. Aye. Just the fake jobbies,
27:51
the snappy chewing gum, the nail through your
27:57
thumb, that one. Oh my God, they were the best.
28:00
Do you want a... What was it, do you want like
28:02
a bean? Do you want a tin of beans? I know, that
28:07
was a hard one to get away with. Do you want
28:09
a bean? I'm alright. Can I interest anyone in
28:11
a bean? Just a single bean? Out of my tin? Don't
28:15
be suspicious. But you go, but they still make
28:20
them, you think they would have went? change
28:22
that to Pringles. Do you know what I mean? Like,
28:24
no. Tradition is tradition. You will offer someone
28:28
a single bean from a can. Snakes would never
28:30
be in a can of Pringles. That's ridiculous. All
28:33
these modern day snacks. If they don't appreciate
28:38
the tin of beans, then you're not getting it.
28:42
Right, so, we're with Tam Shepard's R .I .P.
28:45
I loved you. So, the wee man. The song, right?
28:51
I know you've had some feelings early years.
28:55
You know what I mean? I think with everybody
28:57
else, if you get known for one thing too much,
28:59
you start to kind of get a bit resentful. Yeah,
29:02
it can be. Which is natural, because it's happened
29:06
to me, it's happened to Gredo and all that as
29:08
well. But I think as you get older, you kind
29:12
of look back and you're thankful for it. Aye,
29:14
you get older and definitely appreciate the things
29:19
about it. that I might not have appreciated before.
29:23
Or just like, over time, I realise the things
29:26
about it that really stick with people. Aye.
29:29
And kind of go, that's something I was almost,
29:31
maybe not appreciative of, but a bit dismissive
29:34
of in the past. Aye. But over time, I go, well,
29:36
are these, almost 20 years later, folk are still
29:40
bringing up specific things about it? why am
29:44
I not leaning into the specific things that folk,
29:47
you know what I mean, hang on to and it sticks
29:49
in their mind and blah, blah, blah. One being
29:52
the chib, being the tan mark. Of course, aye.
29:55
Which, when we'd done the video, it wasn't even
29:58
my plan to do that. It was almost a surprise
30:01
to me when I turned up to do it. uh we met them
30:04
the the producers and all that behind the dj
30:07
and it was his missus was she filming it or she
30:11
was kind of producing it someone else was filming
30:13
it physically right but she was organizing a
30:15
lot of things so she'd got us to meet and um
30:17
a hairdressers maybe our sister worked in at
30:20
the time if i'm remembering that right um so
30:22
i went to their hairdressers didn't realize that
30:23
they were applying a fake scar to me basically
30:26
before we started so that was news to me and
30:28
i was like oh this is this gonna be is this gonna
30:30
work on screen and all that Apparently it did,
30:33
because almost 20 years later, folk, a guy was
30:35
getting a photo of me with a stand, calling the
30:37
club yesterday, and he's like, where's your tan
30:39
mark? And I'm like, this guy's probably not even
30:41
seen that video for however long, but that's
30:43
what stuck with him. So I'm like, well, that
30:45
resonates with folk. Well, that day you were
30:47
getting in there, you were in this hairdresser's
30:48
getting this thing on, I love, you go back and
30:52
you go, there's no way you could have had any
30:54
idea that this was going to become what it was.
30:58
Not at all, no. I mean, it is life -changing.
31:02
That might sound kind of over the top, but it
31:04
really is because you became... And I don't know
31:07
if you were, but I would class you as the first
31:10
Glaswegian viral video. I think I'd say... If
31:14
there's one before you, I don't know who it is.
31:16
I mean, I kind of think... It was all the way
31:18
through school. Every single person knew that.
31:21
They could quote you. dressed up to this day
31:25
folk dress up tell the story about getting the
31:28
costume of that guy are you talking about when
31:31
I done the square go a couple of years ago aye
31:33
the guy in contact aye oh no he gave it to you
31:35
aye that's right aye I bought it off him I bought
31:38
my own gimmick off him this is a crackery I thought
31:41
this was really good this guy's made more money
31:43
out of the wee man than I have mate aye so it's
31:47
like obviously the square go was it two years
31:49
ago now talking three years ago oh no longer
31:51
than that three years ago right okay so it was
31:55
the one with the ring broke so then I was the
31:57
next entrant out of there so it was a big long
31:59
wait so there was a big long wait for the next
32:04
entrant and I think that made the wait a bit
32:06
worth it because it was a big surprise to think
32:07
it came out as an OG classical wee man But because
32:11
I was coming out with the old trackies on, I
32:12
might have the old trackies that I wore in that
32:14
video in a bag, but they will be growing. Fuck
32:17
it. Under all your mullets and all that. Aye,
32:19
man. Aye, they will have entwined into the one
32:23
fucking new being now, man. Tell you what, know
32:25
where they should be. When the People's Palace
32:27
is back up. Aye, mate. Should be next to the
32:29
Tam Shepard sign. I'm no joking. I'm no joking,
32:32
because you know the rap scene is about things,
32:33
but then you go, you know, they should absolutely
32:35
still be in it. But you go, there's been things
32:37
like... And again, like I'm saying, it's the
32:39
first viral video. That's a thing. That's a genuine
32:42
thing that you go, there's not one person that
32:44
could walk past a display cabinet with that trackie,
32:48
with the medallion, the hat, and no go. Hear
32:52
you. That will be right. I mean, it's a bit of
32:54
a benchmark because of that. I mean, the development
32:56
of online stuff, social media and all that. But
33:00
I caused that, like, in the run -up to that.
33:02
square goal uh didn't have uh the right trackies
33:05
that were only gonna give me a horrific disease
33:07
um but this guy young guy had tagged me on instagram
33:13
because he'd went out dressed as uh halloween
33:16
and he had got the costume more accurate than
33:18
me i was looking at that like that's I'd forgotten
33:22
that something looked like that, but this guy's
33:24
done his research more than I have. Do you know
33:26
what I mean? The exact right medallion and all
33:27
that. He'd done the tan mark and all that. So
33:31
when it got to the point of square gloves, I
33:32
was like, I'm just going to give him a shout.
33:33
So I ended up going up to Bear's Den, where he
33:36
lived. And actually, by the time I got there,
33:40
he wasn't even in, so I bought... the costume
33:43
he'd wore as me off his ma ironically right and
33:48
I almost I actually got a photo of his ma like
33:50
handing it over it was like a transfer and I'd
33:54
message him going ah it's a shame you're not
33:55
and I was going to get this like transfer sort
33:57
of parody photo and he's like mate I had the
33:59
exact same idea you've still never seen him I've
34:01
still never met him met his ma because I got
34:04
a photo of his ma and I was going to put it online
34:06
and then I was like nah you know what with the
34:09
with the implications of the folks more is getting
34:12
brought up in that song i don't think you get
34:17
many sweeties trick -or -treating as the wee
34:19
man in bears den there'll be a lot of lights
34:21
getting turned out that night by the way there's
34:23
one in the driveway there's one in the driveway
34:24
even in the way up they're opponents i mean i
34:27
wasn't exactly dressed exactly like that but
34:29
as you can see i don't dress two of the similar
34:31
for the wee man you know i mean i was up in bears
34:33
den with my i think my camo baseball cap on and
34:36
just like trackies on and just looking a bit
34:38
worse for real and i swear to god man it's interesting
34:41
like walking through bears den just like looking
34:44
like that. Like motors were screeching to a halt
34:46
going like, where's he up to? Where's he up to?
34:48
No, get away from my garage. Do you know what
34:50
I mean? It's really odd. Neighborhood watch.
34:53
Honestly, the horror on folks' faces just looking
34:57
at my baseball cap like that. He's wearing a
35:01
cap. Phone the police. It's a different place
35:03
up there. It's a lovely place. It is. Lovely.
35:06
But you wouldn't think it was like 50 minutes
35:08
outside. We did a lot of the Scots filming up
35:12
there and obviously we were all dressed different.
35:14
The looks we would get man, just kicking about
35:16
a place like, who are they? No, because we were
35:19
on the telly just because we were dressed to
35:21
be a bit funky. But I love that story because
35:24
it's the fact that you had went to buy your costume
35:28
as somebody who had dressed up as you because
35:30
you didn't have the original one. But you probably,
35:33
even that as well, the reason that you have no
35:35
maybe gore at us because you probably, when you
35:37
filmed it, didn't go. this is something i should
35:39
keep you know this is doing the line this is
35:41
going to be an iconic back up you've just you've
35:43
just filmed a video at the time that you never
35:46
thought much of no i mean when i did it um i
35:49
was like sorry my friends and family i'll get
35:53
a kick out of this it'll be a good laugh like
35:54
because i could tell it was it was going to be
35:56
fun you know what i mean but then maybe the first
35:59
um indication I might have had as to like, this
36:03
might be quite popular. Well, when I got the
36:06
song, I was like, the song's funny, this will
36:08
be popular. But then with the video and all that,
36:10
it got accepted into something, the GFT, maybe
36:14
it was part of the short film festival, maybe
36:16
it was part of the film festival, I can't remember
36:17
the exact dates and all that. But it was going
36:20
to be screened in amongst a collection of shorts
36:22
and stuff for the GFT. So we all went along and
36:26
it was, then we found out when we got there,
36:28
it was like, it's going to be on last. I'm like,
36:30
all right. They must quite like it then. And
36:33
then when it came on at the end, it fucking.
36:36
stormed it like the room just exploded watching
36:39
it it must have been cool sitting in the GFT
36:41
as well seeing that that was awesome that's a
36:43
cool thing it was just so nice because that's
36:45
a rare thing as well especially being a sort
36:47
of online thing obviously after the fact you
36:51
get wind of folk like saying how much they laughed
36:53
and enjoyed it and shared that but it's quite
36:55
a rare thing to actually sit in a full cinema
36:57
especially just like a two or three minute YouTube
37:01
clapped and folk going bananas for it. That's
37:03
sort of once in a lifetime. It's not going to
37:06
get screened. And I think, especially that video
37:09
as well, you're playing a wee Ned who's swearing
37:14
and talking about pumping folk's maws and chibs,
37:16
but there's something about that that kind of
37:19
kicks a glass region in the heart. Do you know
37:23
what I mean? I remember, like Ravstein is, but
37:25
I remember I used to have a posh neighbour when
37:28
I was younger who was married to a an English
37:31
guy who was a bit kind of, you know, he was posh.
37:34
And she was like, oh, the other night sitting
37:36
with such and such his family and Rabsy, and
37:38
I was so embarrassed. I'm like, that's not actually
37:40
what Scotland's like. I'm like, no, no, no. That
37:41
is exactly what Glasgow's like. Like, Rabsy,
37:44
it was like, you know, he's a drunk waster, but,
37:48
you know, he's eloquent in the way he talks,
37:51
even when he's drunk, and he's kind of, what
37:54
do you call it? So, what's that? Like, narrating
37:59
the way society was at the time. I'm like, that
38:02
is exactly what, and the same with you, it's
38:04
like, the way you spoke and the stuff, it's funny.
38:08
And it's like, Glaswegians cling to that and
38:09
kind of go, that's ours. You know what I mean?
38:12
It's like, I see it as a sort of almost underrepresented
38:16
thing. Aye. That's why folk sort of identify
38:19
it and relate to it and all that, because it's
38:22
like, you don't. you don't see it that often
38:25
apart from maybe in wee snippets on Still Game
38:28
or whatever that maybe comes after the fact after
38:31
that video blah blah blah But it's sort of underrepresented
38:35
to the point where, like you're saying, your
38:37
neighbours are like, oh, we're not like that.
38:38
It's almost like people, they're in denial. Of
38:41
course. Even if they're not like that, it's like
38:44
a lot of people are like that. And it shouldn't
38:47
be a thing of shame. It shouldn't be a point
38:48
of shame. Absolutely. Absolutely, in a way. It
38:50
is about representation and that. And it's also,
38:54
this might seem like an odd thing to be kind
38:56
of chuffed with, but I've heard... comments on
38:59
YouTube videos for years that are just Scotland
39:00
shame and I'm like, I need to call a show that
39:03
at some point. I'd see that as a sort of point
39:06
of pride. The whole country's shame. The whole
39:08
country. Fuck. Just be Glasgow. I know. Scotland
39:11
shame. National shame. Wow. There's no point
39:15
in, again, either being in denial about it or
39:17
pretending that that side of Glasgow Disney exists
39:19
because, I mean, the other side is the minority,
39:22
really. It's like, that is, again, back to Rab
39:24
Sina's, it was an episode where it was about
39:26
the city of culture. And it's the Lord Provost
39:30
and all that like trying to kind of keep rabbit
39:32
the way and as you go, but that's no real Glasgow.
39:35
Yeah, that's the intro to go there. And even
39:37
the way they try to talk or try to make themselves
39:39
sound portion all that and it's like, they're
39:41
just as scummy as the rest is. They've just got
39:42
a nice suit on and a big chin on their neck,
39:44
do you know what I mean? But there's something
39:46
definitely with Glaswegians that you don't, even
39:49
if it's a kind of negative thing, we tend to
39:51
go, aye, that's yours, chewing the fat, chewing
39:54
the fat, still game. definitely everything even
39:56
if it's a negative if not like glorifying it
39:58
that like accepting it i mean i'm just denying
40:01
it it's there yeah it exists yeah and we're not
40:04
going to pretend that that's know who we are
40:06
because there's actually nothing wrong with being
40:07
what this is you know i mean but um but obviously
40:11
talking about um being recognized for one thing
40:13
whether it be that one song or i remember talking
40:16
to um ian connell about this like he was like
40:19
you just don't know what sketch is gonna latch
40:23
on He goes, I could spend a month chipping away
40:27
at a sketch and, you know, writing it all out
40:29
and filming it. And then it just gets overseen.
40:32
And he was like, and he says, because of all
40:34
the things that, he goes, what do you think I
40:36
get missed? Jolly boy, you join us for real?
40:40
That's one of them. But there's one that he says
40:42
I get, the vast majority is what builders shout
40:45
out of vans to me. What's that? Wooden pallets.
40:50
And he goes, watch that sketch. All I say is
40:53
wooden pallets. Wooden pallets. Wooden pallets.
40:56
Wooden pallets. He goes, that's it. He goes,
40:59
there's no chipping away at sketches there. It's
41:01
just me saying wooden pallets. And that's the
41:03
one. But he's like, are you bitter about it?
41:06
No, because it's one of my sketches. It's just,
41:08
but it's like you put stuff out there and it's
41:10
up to them what they like. It doesn't matter
41:12
how you feed it to them. Do you know what I mean?
41:13
So it's like, I think you can kind of try and,
41:15
you know, like we're always trying to top, whether
41:18
it be wrestling or acting or whatever else, trying
41:20
to get the next. If folk like you for that thing,
41:22
instead of going, I mean, but I've done other
41:23
things, you just need to go, thank you. At least
41:26
you appreciate me for something, that one thing.
41:29
Because there's a lot of people that maybe work
41:31
their whole lives and never get anything that
41:32
latches on. Do you know what I mean? If absolute
41:34
strangers appreciate you for one thing, that
41:37
puts you in like a 0 .01 % of people that get
41:40
to experience that in life. You know what I mean?
41:42
So, aye, you're totally right. And it's like,
41:44
like you said, I think the wee bit older you
41:46
get, the more you do appreciate that. Of course.
41:49
maybe a few years ago, you're kind of going,
41:51
no, I've just written a poem. Have you not heard
41:54
that? Listen, we've all done it. We've all done
41:56
it. Do you know what I mean? It's like, you know,
41:58
you go, is that really all I'm going to be remembered
42:00
for? Shut up. Shut up. If there's one thing that
42:04
you could possibly remember, you've done all
42:05
right. Do you know what I mean? But it's like,
42:07
even like the wooden palace thing. Like, I joke
42:09
all the time going, I've spent like 22 years
42:11
of my life bleeding half to death in front of
42:14
audiences and blah. And now, all that I ever
42:17
get is folk going, Stoner! and I get a weird
42:20
I get a weird pride about it because I'm like
42:22
aye aye I'm Stoner you know what I mean but it's
42:26
like it just it's kind of because it's like I
42:28
didn't think at that kind of point in my life
42:30
I would get like a different kind of career change
42:32
but it's like James Buckley always says he's
42:34
like you can imagine so many quotable things
42:38
bus wanker bus not wanker and he goes like I'll
42:41
never get kind of fed up if I Because it's like,
42:43
if they're shouting this thing, it's because
42:45
they've watched your show and they've liked it
42:47
enough to remember it. And I get to just walk
42:49
down the street while strangers shout buswanker
42:52
to me. Aye, aye. You know what I mean? I mean,
42:53
I'm just like, total strangers who are not in
42:57
the know must be just bewildered by the fact.
43:01
that across the road folk have shouted, I'm going
43:03
to pump your mom at me. And I start laughing
43:05
like, yes! And applauding them. They're like,
43:08
this guy's a psycho, man. Or his mom's a whore.
43:13
These Scots don't get offended by anything. Spencer,
43:16
he just said he's going to pump his mom. And
43:18
he laughed. Where's his mother, anyway? Jolly
43:23
sense of humor on these jocks up here. But then,
43:26
again, for that, we, for that. getting a chip
43:29
applied onto your face and a hairdresser's, God
43:32
knows how long ago. The video takes place, you've
43:35
got the live comedy thing, but then onto your
43:37
one -man shows, the wee man, the wee man, Mr
43:41
and Mrs, with Ian Paterson, which takes us back
43:45
to the Rab C thing as well. What was it like
43:48
working with him? I like to say it almost seems
43:53
perfect, because I grew up watching Rab C, to
43:57
the point where I'm sure, I'm sure there's photos
43:59
existing me as a Wayne dressed as Rab Seen As
44:02
But for Halloween that I'm sure I'm out like
44:04
my ma's got a bunch of photos of me different
44:06
costumes as a Wayne like a wee gnome and all
44:09
that was one of their favourite ones but I specifically
44:12
remember dressing up as Rab Seen As But and getting
44:14
a photo with a yeah I'll tell you this with a
44:16
rolled up paper, string vest and all that which
44:19
was not an unusual costume at the time do you
44:22
know what I mean? No it was huge aye aye so I
44:25
like aw Those years later, like Ian had seen
44:29
me in a play at the Pavilion, the Billy and Tim
44:31
sequel. That's right, yeah. And I'd heard he
44:33
was in the crowd and enjoyed it, and I DM'd him
44:36
a wee bit at the time. And then I got back in
44:40
contact with him a few years later, basically,
44:42
coming out of the lockdown, basically. Got in
44:45
contact with him because I was letting know...
44:47
I didn't know what to do at the time to be honest
44:50
I was like I know I want to do something with
44:52
this character I've not done anything for it
44:54
for a while now I haven't done any sort of real
44:58
comedy stuff or performing stuff during lockdown
45:00
I've been working as an artist and stuff but
45:03
then coming out of that I was like I want to
45:04
do something with this but I'm not sure so I
45:07
want to ask the most knowledgeable guy possible
45:12
about this sort of thing for guidance basically
45:15
and right enough man to call him knowledgeable
45:19
is a bit of an understatement Ian might be just
45:22
the wisest cunt I've ever met in my life like
45:25
just one of these guys that like You think you're
45:28
smart until you meet someone like that. Until
45:30
you meet somebody that's extra smart. And you
45:31
go, I don't even know the folk he's referencing.
45:32
I'll say something and he'll go, that means maybe
45:34
you have a quote from Bertrand Russell. I'm like,
45:36
oh, Big Bertie, aye, aye. Oh, the Bertie's here.
45:39
Oh, the Bertie's here. But even that, when you
45:42
watch Rabstein as you read between the lines,
45:46
again, it's not just a drunk guy stumbling about.
45:49
It's so cleverly written. Oh my God, it's so,
45:52
so cleverly written. All he's writing is so cleverly
45:55
written. And I think some of the best stuff,
45:59
some of the best writing for years and years
46:01
is written by the cleverest folk, but it's not
46:08
like a clever, ooh, look at me, I'm so clever
46:10
sort of style of writing. It takes someone that
46:14
clever to write something like that relatable
46:19
to everybody, do you know what I mean? But with
46:22
that sort of weight of intelligence. Because
46:24
it could give you the ick. Glaswegians get put
46:27
off things really quick. And if it's a really
46:29
smart, knowledgeable, intelligent guy trying
46:32
to show you how smart. Who wants that? It would
46:35
annoy you, right? Nobody likes a smart guy. But
46:36
he manages to do it through the vehicle of Rabsy.
46:39
And you don't notice that he's doing it. But
46:40
when you really sit and listen to the big monologues
46:43
that Rabo do or the kind of social commentary
46:48
at the time. And it is funny, but really. I suppose
46:52
it's like a bit like still game as well like
46:53
you you see it for what it is but what they're
46:55
actually doing is they're covering like um loneliness
46:58
and elderly people they're covering um nobody
47:01
nobody afford your heating yeah they're covering
47:03
do you know what I mean it's like you don't see
47:05
that because you're just watching it for what
47:06
it is but you read between the lines it is a
47:08
social commentary anyway and Ian did that kind
47:10
of thing as well where it was like it was it's
47:13
so different because you had the talking to camera
47:15
bits where he would break the fourth wall and
47:18
actually go I tell you what, I don't really know.
47:20
While there's somebody still there, or even like
47:22
the names the characters had, it was absolutely
47:25
brilliant. And it's like, I've never met him,
47:27
right? And I've asked you about him a bunch of
47:29
times because Rabsy is my favorite show of all
47:32
time. And I know that he must be a really intelligent
47:36
guy. I just be watching it so often. But working
47:39
with him, with the one, is he, how do I put this?
47:44
I don't mean is he difficult to work with, but
47:46
I can imagine him being. I bet you a taskmaster
47:49
like he's this is work I quite I quite enjoy
47:52
that though I really appreciate it absolutely
47:54
100 % aye no he treats it there's been times
47:58
when we've been rehearsing in the past where
48:00
he's lessy I thought a theatre director and Mary
48:03
a football coach he treats it but like I appreciate
48:06
I like that sort of approach to it aye aye and
48:08
I've sort of said this thing for years where
48:11
like in the you might experience this like in
48:13
the entertainment industry it's folk folk will
48:17
sort of dance around having to tell you something
48:19
if it's say negative or like constructive criticism
48:22
for whatever reason and creative spheres folk
48:26
will not just tell you what they think they'll
48:30
sort of like put compliments in there and sort
48:34
of there's a wee bit of shite bag hoping you
48:36
figure it out yourself but as I've always kind
48:38
of regarded this as just like nobody like I've
48:40
made stuff for different production companies
48:45
in the past and then it's went back and forth
48:47
and then one or two things haven't seen the light
48:50
of day and I've never found out the reasons and
48:52
it's like if you think it's shite just tell me
48:54
why it's shite that'll help me I can take it
48:57
folks shout I'm gonna pump your maw at me in
48:59
the street I can take stuff you know what I mean
49:00
but folk are just so shy about it if you want
49:05
to put it like that whereas I've always thought
49:07
about it just like if you've got bad form on
49:11
a football pitch, say, the gaffer will come up
49:13
to you and go, you've been half form, so I'm
49:16
putting you on the bench, or I'm sending you
49:18
to training, or we're putting you out and going
49:20
to cow and beef until you get better, or whatever.
49:23
That's just for example, right? Any other job,
49:25
practically, folk will tell you you're not meeting
49:28
their standards, you need to do this, and this
49:29
is what you need to do to improve. Whereas, for
49:32
whatever reason, in acting, or writing, or whatever,
49:36
all that kind of stuff. Folk will just no tell
49:38
you what's wrong with it. There will no give
49:40
you that constructive criticism. I think that
49:42
must be a thing because I remember like it was
49:44
again filming the Scots. I was relatively new
49:46
and it would be, it would be like cut. Right,
49:51
so, and I would just say like, just tell me how
49:54
to say it. Just aye. But apparently that's no,
49:57
you're no supposed to anyway. It has to be, I'll
49:59
feel it and have fun with it. The director shouldn't
50:01
be telling the artist how to, and I'm like, I
50:05
get that that might be the way, but I'm telling
50:07
you, I'm no in any way offended by you just saying,
50:09
see if you just say it like this. Because we
50:12
could do 14 takes before I might get it. If you
50:15
just tell me how you want it, we'll get it straight
50:17
off the bat. So please don't be frightened to
50:19
go, you're not getting it. There was one thing
50:22
we did. There was one word, and it was, no, I
50:26
had to go, for dugs. And I can't even remember
50:27
what the context was. But I was getting, I'm
50:30
going, I don't know how to say for dugs another
50:32
way. And I was like, can you do it, and I'll
50:34
just copy you. It'll be a lot quicker, because
50:36
there's a whole crew in here, and I'm starting
50:38
to get a bit self -conscious that I'm not saying
50:40
for dugs the right way. Just tell me. It makes
50:43
you more self -conscious if you're not just,
50:45
just had it right in the head. what I'm doing
50:47
wrong I don't know if I'm one take away from
50:50
getting this or if I'm going further away you
50:52
know what you want for this just tell me and
50:55
I'll give you what you want because you're the
50:56
director the show's the most important thing
50:57
the finished product's the most don't worry about
50:59
my ego I don't want you to just accept one because
51:02
he's not getting this and I don't want you to
51:03
say anything to him that's more awkward right
51:05
just be direct and go say it like this and I'll
51:08
just copy it it's gonna be easier but you know
51:11
so I'm assuming Ian maybe as delightful no I
51:13
just like I really I appreciate that approach
51:16
more that sort of fit my coach way of just like
51:19
hard nose just date like this this is what you're
51:22
doing wrong so it's like there have been times
51:23
when I was doing the one man show first of all
51:26
actually before we went on to this sort of double
51:27
hander we were doing the one man show I'd be
51:29
rehearsing just with him and all that and he
51:31
would just be like pacing up and down as if he's
51:33
in the touchline going like good good slow it
51:35
down good faster faster love it I love that I
51:39
love that but treating it treating it like a
51:41
Well, like a football manager would treat the
51:43
game, the ultimate importance. The ultimate importance.
51:45
This has to be right or we lose. Exactly. So
51:47
why should they not take that direct approach
51:49
to it? And I don't know if that's a generational
51:53
thing or a... Do you know what I mean? A lot
51:56
of people from a certain generation don't mingle
51:57
with this generation because they're not being
51:59
cheeky and they're not being rude. they're just
52:02
being direct. You're asking them a question,
52:03
they're giving you the answer. Whereas our generation's,
52:06
aye, well, no, I mean, it could be, you know,
52:08
we're dancing around our subjects, and they're
52:10
just going, that isn't how I want it. Get the
52:12
job done. It's a generational thing, and a sort
52:14
of background thing, because he's a Govan boy,
52:16
so he's Govan, right? And it's kind of interesting
52:19
that way, because he's obviously, like, now he's,
52:21
like, a respected playwright and a BAFTA -nominated
52:24
TV writer, like, everyone knows who Ian Paterson
52:27
is. He's painting up in the lawnmower. When I've
52:29
met him in the lawnmower... a few times actually
52:31
I've been like where will I meet you under the
52:33
painting you love it if I had a painting made
52:35
up I'd be sat there every day tonight man meetings
52:40
all day about nothing just get me under the painting
52:41
myself please strike the same pose like you're
52:45
Ben Stiller in dodgeball if you only got one
52:48
jumper it's the one in the painting but you can
52:53
tell you can see the sort of Govan in him because
52:55
he's got he's for Govan he's entered this you
52:59
know what I mean the sort of high culture the
53:00
playwright world and all that but you can still
53:02
see the Govan in him because there'll be bits
53:04
he's written in the cut of plays that I've done
53:06
that's like an emotional bit where either I start
53:09
to tear up or I get a bit glassy eyed and when
53:11
we've been rehearsing that bit he'll take the
53:13
piss out of me while I'm doing it he's like Here's
53:16
my BAFTA. Here's my bigger Lord winning scene.
53:18
I'm like, you fucking wrote this. What do you
53:21
want me to do? Fucking half arse it. You know
53:23
what I mean? So that you can shout at me for
53:24
the touchline. Come on. Shoot you. It's like,
53:29
you're right to hang for me. What are you acting
53:31
like a fanny? It's for lasses, mate. Fucking
53:36
hater the boy. You came up with this, mate. I'm
53:39
here because of you. But see, that's what I love
53:42
about you. For that generation, just like. You
53:44
kind of don't know how to please them because
53:46
they're going to be so serious. But that brings
53:49
me on. I'm going to ask you, on the kind of subject
53:53
of people of a generation and from a certain
53:56
place, we've all got Glaswegian characters in
54:01
our lives, all right? So the question is, give
54:04
me an example of somebody in your family who
54:07
has done something that even you think is a brass
54:10
neck. Oh, I talk about brass neck. I think that
54:13
goes beyond a brass neck, man. So this story...
54:15
I'm listening. This story's been passed down,
54:18
definitely. It's been told to me and my brother,
54:21
especially a number of times after my dad. So
54:26
it was a story about his dad, who was... I think
54:30
his dad was born in Manchester. So his dad...
54:33
So his dad's parents... where they immigrated
54:38
or fled, if you want to put it a different way,
54:40
from sort of Poland, sort of Polish -Ukrainian
54:43
border, pre -World War II and all that. But thankfully,
54:47
they got out of the other four World Wars. So
54:50
I'll put it that way. So it was in Manchester.
54:53
My granddad was a boxer amongst our things. He
54:57
was like a bookie, and then he was on the run
54:59
for bookies. Bit of a sketchy character in a
55:02
lot of ways, man. In fact, I don't know that
55:05
long ago, a couple of years ago. that I've got
55:07
this weird surname spelt this weird unique way
55:10
and nobody else has got the surname Bratschpies
55:11
spelt the same way there's been other like Bratschpies
55:14
and all this stuff across the world have contacted
55:17
me on Facebook and all that so I didn't contact
55:19
my dad usually to go I think we were second cousins
55:22
or whatever so it doesn't relate but we are the
55:24
only Bratschpies basically because my grandad
55:29
had to change it because he was on the run for
55:31
bookies in Manchester in fact I usually get this
55:34
wrong my dad always It has a go at me because
55:37
I get that song. It was either bookies or just
55:39
the mob or maybe a combination of them. Either
55:41
way, that's a good story. I still owe money to
55:44
folk in Manchester. I'm not going to see the
55:48
Duggs race in Manchester, man. I'll get fucking
55:49
jumped. No way a name like that. No, no, no.
55:52
But basically, so he was in Manchester when he
55:55
was a young guy. He was a wee five foot nothing
55:58
fucking boxer. But I never met my grandad, but
56:01
he was... uh even though he's five foot he was
56:04
about five foot wide as well um and no this is
56:07
the days of four gyms and all that this was just
56:09
this was just hard living the guy was just built
56:11
like this because he just you know what i mean
56:12
worked in fields his whole life just a just a
56:16
natural hard man you know what i mean was didn't
56:19
he take as my dad said his upbringing was pretty
56:23
strict and tough that way but you know i mean
56:25
made him the man he is and all that um but basically
56:27
so when he was in manchester he was a wee boxer
56:31
It was a wee Jewish boxer. He was pals with a
56:35
bunch of other wee Jewish boxers, all the same
56:37
size, all these wee miniature hard men, basically.
56:40
So at the time in Manchester in the 30s, there
56:43
was a big fascist movement, the Oswald Mosley
56:46
movement, the black shirts, basically. I just
56:48
realised the irony of what I'm wearing today.
56:50
I'm a fucking traitor, oh my God, man. But basically,
56:54
the fascism was on the rise, basically, just
56:56
before World War II. A lot of people sort of
56:58
forget that's a thing in Britain's history, that
57:00
if we hadn't went to World War II, we might have
57:02
went to... same way because they were getting
57:04
a lot of popularity and all that. So there'd
57:06
be specific black shirt pubs where it was only
57:09
black shirts, the fascists were welcome. You
57:11
know what I mean? No Jews, no black folk, no
57:13
minorities basically, no Irish probably, whatever
57:15
else, just the black shirts, just the fascists.
57:19
Because my grandad and all his pals are just
57:22
these wee tiny hard men, they'd go into these
57:24
pubs, this is what I tell anyway and I love the
57:26
story. They'd go into these pubs that were rammed
57:29
full of these big fascists. And they'd just start
57:32
battering folk. So they'd go in the door. A Wild
57:35
West thing, the doors would just swing like that.
57:37
But they'd start battering folk because they
57:38
were so wee. Nobody in the pub would understand
57:41
what was happening until they were dead. Until
57:43
they were dead. So they'd just look out the door.
57:45
Folks, like, guys, heads were just flying by
57:47
and chins were just going out. Hats were flying
57:48
out. Just like, what's up? They're douche. They
57:50
were knocked out. So they'd just, this wee team
57:53
of tiny boxers would just walk their way through
57:55
a pub. Douche, douche, douche, douche, douche,
57:56
douche. Until they were done. Until everyone
57:58
was fucking knocked out. And then they'd leave,
58:00
man. So I'd say that's a pretty brass neck, man,
58:05
because you're going in there looking for a scrap
58:08
and there's a hefty chance you're going to get
58:10
lynched if you fucking don't win. There's many
58:12
pubs to this day that even are. We'd think twice
58:15
about going in. Aye. And I'm not a four foot
58:18
ten guy. And amongst a bunch of Nazis, man. Fucking
58:22
jumping in the deep end, all right, man. Well,
58:31
I mean, I think that's kind of beyond a brass
58:32
neck. That's undiluted bravery. That's a death
58:36
wish, man. That's a fucking death wish. Still
58:40
to keep it on top. That's absolutely brilliant.
58:42
Well, that is exactly the type of answer I'm
58:45
looking for in this. And I don't really know
58:47
how we can top that since this is the Brassnet
58:50
Podcast, but this has been the Brassnet Podcast.
58:52
I have been Jack Jester. He has been Neil, the
58:54
wee man, Bratspace. And if you ain't down with
58:56
that, we got two words for you. Beat it! I was
59:15
the best man and she was the belle of the ball.
59:18
The very first night I met her, she was awfully,
59:21
awfully shy. The rain kept pouring in, but she
59:24
was happy, so was I. Bye. Bye. Bye.