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Transcript

#HURDLEMOMENT: An Expert On How To Let Go Of Relationships · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Letting go of a relationship requires tough conversations. It requires
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: being able to be honest with yourself but also be
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: honest with other people about things that they may not
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: want to hear from you. And if you're recovering people pleaser,
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: if you're a recovering perfectionist, if you are a normal
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: human who just wants to make people happy and not
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: want to upset them, then letting go of relationships is
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: something that you may shy away from.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, Emily A Baddi here coming to you from
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: the Age Studio. You're listening to another installment of Hurdle
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: Moment from Hurdle, a wellness focused podcast where connected with
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  Speaker 2: everyone from your favorite athletes to tap experts and industry
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: CEOs about their highest hies, toughest moments, and everything in between.
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  Speaker 3: We all go through hurdles in life, and.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: My goal through these discussions is to empower you to
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: better navigate yours and move with intention so that you
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: can stride towards your own big potential and of course have.
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: Some fun along the way. Speaking of fun, you know
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: what's a.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: Lot of fun Seeing that Hurdle has finally crossed the
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: five million downloads threshold. I'm like giving you around the applause.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: I just you just can't see it anyway.
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: I'm amped. I'm amped.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: I'm so happy, I'm so grateful, and I love bringing
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: you these conversations a week after week. So feel free
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: to give a little love to the show. Over on
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: the socials, you know how to target. It's over at
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: Little Podcast and I am over at Emily a Body.
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  Speaker 3: I digress.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: What we're here to talk about today really is letting
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: go of relationships such a hard thing to do, and
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: that is why I'm calling in reinforcements. Today's conversation I
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: am having with Yasmin Cheyenne. She is a self healing
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: a expert, a mental health advocate, and she's launching a
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: new app which we'll talk about in today's episode on
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  Speaker 2: February twenty second, and it is called the sugar Jar
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  Speaker 2: Community App. It's going to be a safe space to
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  Speaker 2: develop self awareness, learn boundaries, and find tools and resources
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: to undergo your own healing. Honestly, wow, such such a
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: good idea. And we also talk about what goes into
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: making that app, but specifically letting go of relationships. We
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: talk about both friendships and romantic relationships.
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  Speaker 3: In today's episode, when.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: To know when you should let one go, how to
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: go about letting it go, what you need to do
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: on your side, regardless of whether you were the person
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: to initiate the fact that this relationship need to issolve
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: or not, And how to best move forward, What coping
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: tactics can you use, What lessons can you take from
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  Speaker 2: these hard moments? And again I will reiterate that moving
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: away from relationships, especially when they had a valuable place
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: in your life, it.
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: Is truly truly difficult.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: But hopefully, with Yasmin's tip and tricks, the next time
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: won't feel so difficult. With that, let's get to hurdling today,
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: I am sitting down with Yasmin Cheyenne. She is a
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  Speaker 2: self healing expert.
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  Speaker 3: A mental health advocate. How are you doing today? I'm good?
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: How are you?
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  Speaker 3: I'm so good. I'm so happy to have you back
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: on the show. I'm happy to do that. It's been
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: no time at all, but also a really long time.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: As we were just like laughing about the fact that
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: we're recording this on Tuesday, and here we were thinking
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: we were about to go into the weekend already.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I know, and I would imagine it hasn't been a
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: year since we last talked, but it does feel.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: Like time flies when you're having fun. Give us a
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: little lowdown on what you've been up to, what's going
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  Speaker 2: on in your world.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, So I today I actually started the
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  Speaker 1: launch for my new app, the sugar Jar Community app
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  Speaker 1: hub for self healing workshops, video workshops, audio meditations. I'm excited.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: What an undertaking I know.
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  Speaker 2: First of all, congratulations, I feel like there are probably
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  Speaker 2: people listening to this right now that may be interested
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  Speaker 2: in starting their own app.
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  Speaker 3: So, while we won't make this.
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  Speaker 2: Like a lengthy discussion, I would be really curious as
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  Speaker 2: to like what your first steps were when it came
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  Speaker 2: to getting the ball rolling to creating your own app.
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  Speaker 3: First of all, I love this question. Okay, So.
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  Speaker 1: The first step was finding a developer that really aligned
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  Speaker 1: with my values and all of those things. And honestly,
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  Speaker 1: the second step is budget because let me tell you,
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  Speaker 1: depending on what kind of app you want to create,
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  Speaker 1: it's going to take some investment. And so once you're
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  Speaker 1: clear on those two things, the third step in my
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  Speaker 1: and this is like the fast track but save money.
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  Speaker 1: In my opinion, steps get really clear on what your
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  Speaker 1: community wants from you. A lot of times we think
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: it would just be really cool to own an app that
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  Speaker 1: does all these things, and it's like, are you creating
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  Speaker 1: an app that people are going to want to buy?
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  Speaker 1: You creating an app that's they solving a problem? Is
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  Speaker 1: this something that's going to you know, be aligned with
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  Speaker 1: what you already create in the world. And those help
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  Speaker 1: you have more clarity when you're working with your developers
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  Speaker 1: on what they're going to create for you, and so
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  Speaker 1: it makes the process a lot more fun when you
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  Speaker 1: know upfront why you're doing this. But the development process
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  Speaker 1: of an app if you find the right folks, which
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  Speaker 1: I loved my folks. I worked with a team called
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  Speaker 1: Andy Cannons, but they were absolutely amazing if they just
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  Speaker 1: hand held me through the entire process. So it's been
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  Speaker 1: a year and a half in the making.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, wow, well again, congratulations. I can totally relate to
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  Speaker 2: you on a lot of your upfront steps here, while
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  Speaker 2: I haven't, you know, built an app or anything yet.
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  Speaker 3: Definitely going through like a website redesign.
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  Speaker 2: Had a lot of the same parallels for sure, and
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  Speaker 2: being clear not just on how much you want to spend,
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  Speaker 2: but also like what you wanted to look like and
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  Speaker 2: what you want to offer, and then all the legwork
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: that goes into creating the content that goes in the
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: app and making sure that you can act on those deliverables.
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  Speaker 2: It's it's a big undertaking. So yeah, congrats to you.
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  Speaker 2: It's so exciting. The official launch date February twenty second.
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  Speaker 1: Right, February twenty second on Apple and Google Play.
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  Speaker 3: So yeah, amazing, amazing.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we will make sure to share all of that
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: information once it is live. But today you and me,
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: my friend, we are here to talk about letting go
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: of personal relationships. It's a hard topic, I would say,
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: and it's definitely conversation that I think is important to
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: have here on the feed, because I do have some
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: other really great chats about making friends as you get
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: older and also like how to have boundaries within your relationships.
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  Speaker 2: But this letting go of personal relationships again can be
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  Speaker 2: just a that's really difficult.
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  Speaker 1: Nobody wants to be the bad guy. Nobody wants to
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  Speaker 1: be the one to say this isn't working anymore, or
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: nobody wants to be the one to say if I
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: knew who I really was, I would have never chose this.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: You know, letting go of a relationship requires tough conversations.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: It requires being able to be honest with yourself but
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: also be honest with other people about things that they
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: may not want to hear from you. And if you're
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: recovering people pleaser, if you're a recovering perfectionist, if you
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: are a normal human who just wants to make people
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: happy and not want to upset them, then letting go
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: of relationships is something that you may shy away from.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: We do everything in our power to try to make
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: things work that are obviously over, but it's the healthiest
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: thing that we can do. So we have time, space
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  Speaker 1: and energy for the relationships and things that do matter
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  Speaker 1: to us. But there's a process that I'm sure we're
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: going to talk about over the next.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, minute, for sure.
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  Speaker 2: So I mean, I was reading some research before we
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  Speaker 2: hopped on here, and a lot of the research shows that,
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  Speaker 2: contrast to what we may think to be ideal, a
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  Speaker 2: lot of friendships, you know, they seldom last forever. There
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  Speaker 2: is some sort of a natural wax and wane as
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  Speaker 2: you go through different life moments. So I think, firstly,
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  Speaker 2: why don't we talk a little bit about when there
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  Speaker 2: may be a time that you realize that you need
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  Speaker 2: to let go of a relationship, whether it be a
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  Speaker 2: friendship or perhaps you know, a more intimate relationship.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's important to start being curious about
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  Speaker 1: the energy you have when you're in that relationship. For example,
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  Speaker 1: if someone invites you to go to a dinner or
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  Speaker 1: an event, are you feeling excited when they say when
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  Speaker 1: you're when you're getting ready to go out with them?
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  Speaker 1: And granted I know a lot of people who are introverts,
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  Speaker 1: so like I never feel excited about going anywhere. This
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  Speaker 1: is not that kind of thing I'm talking about. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: are you excited to meet up with them or are
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  Speaker 1: you already planning what you're not going to share because
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  Speaker 1: you know that they have a tendency to say things
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  Speaker 1: that are hurtful, or you know another thing that's really
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  Speaker 1: helpful too. Can you celebrate with them not just their
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  Speaker 1: stuff but your stuff. I have found, you know, in
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  Speaker 1: working with clients and doing workshops and things like that,
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  Speaker 1: that most people do not feel comfortable telling their friends
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  Speaker 1: when they have something. A lot of their friends when
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  Speaker 1: they have something exciting going on, because they are nervous
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  Speaker 1: about one bragging, but two that they don't find that
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  Speaker 1: people around them can celebrate them. And a lot of
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  Speaker 1: us do have connections based solely on our trauma, our triggers,
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  Speaker 1: or the tough parts of life, versus also being able
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  Speaker 1: to grow out of those connections into something more that is,
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  Speaker 1: I'm celebrating your life, I'm celebrating your wins, I'm celebrating
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  Speaker 1: your marriage. Lastly, is your friend or are your friends
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  Speaker 1: able to be there for you when they are having
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  Speaker 1: a tough time. Let me give you an example of
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  Speaker 1: someone I just spoke to about this. Their friend has
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  Speaker 1: went through a breakup. The breakup was like two years ago,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: but they're still grieving the breakup and it takes time, right,
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: it takes people however long it takes. But this friend
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  Speaker 1: is getting is engaged now. And the friend did not
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: respond to the text. And then when they did respond,
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: and I'm sharing this because it was on a public forum,
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: and when they did respond, they said, I just can't
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  Speaker 1: believe you know, you shared this with me when I'm
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: going through this right now. And so there are times
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: where you might be going through something that feels like
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: a personal attack to your friend that really is just
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: you living your life. And I know those may sound
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: like very specific instances that don't happen all the time,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: but with everyone that I talked to, there are things
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: that happen where if the friend that you have or
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: the people in your life don't think it's important to you,
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: you didn't get that promotion, you know, your boyfriend or
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: your partner dumped you, you said the wrong thing in
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: a meeting, and you were embarrassed. If people can't be
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: there for you through the ups and downs, asking yourself
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  Speaker 1: why you're still there or and what capacity do you
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  Speaker 1: want to remain there is really important.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it is really important.
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  Speaker 2: And that example of getting engaged and how could you
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: rub this in my face? I mean, I think that
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: we have to touch on that kind of response, right
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: because I'm sure that for that individual it was so
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: disheartening for her to hear that from someone that she
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: had at least at one point considered a friend. But
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: not just with that instance in general. Oftentimes it takes
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: that step back for us to understand that these responses
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: that can be so truly hurtful to us in the moment,
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: they really don't exactly have anything to do with the
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: thing that we came to them with in the slightest
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: but rather everything to do with that person and what
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: they're going through.
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely. I mean, the person who's going through the thing
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: is projecting their own emotions and their lack of being
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: able to move on through this really tough thing that
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: they experience onto the friend. The friend was sharing their
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: engagement because anyone and everyone would share their engagement. They're excited,
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: they're engaged, not thinking. And then another thing that I
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: think is really important too that begin to come up
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: for this person is that their first thought wasn't I
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: can't believe they said this. Their first thought was I've
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: held your hand through this two years of the breakup,
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: and now I've finally found someone, and you can't be
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: here for me. And so asking yourself, you know, if
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: you're in a situation, not necessarily that exact situation, but
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: do you have do you notice in your life? And
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: saw you talk about this, But I had a post
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: that I shared a few years ago that was called
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: I'm not your strong friend, and it talked about, you
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: know the role that we sometimes play in people's lives
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: of being the one that's always reliable, that can always
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: be counted on, that can always be there for everyone
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: when that strong friend my self being a former strong
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  Speaker 1: friend puts boundaries in place. Relationship shift because sometimes people
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: are in relationship with you because you are the strong friend.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: Sometimes people are in relationship with you because you do
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: not have boundaries and they have an opportunity to get
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: what they need from you when you start also requiring support.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: Not everybody is interested in saying yes to that type
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: of relationship with you. And I think for this person,
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: they were recognizing that they were that person for them,
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: but that person was not necessarily equipped or had the
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: capacity or interested and being that person for them.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: In your opinion, can you be the strong friend while
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: also expecting people to be strong for you in return,
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: or do you think that being the strong friend almost
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: is you kind of foregoing that level of perhaps like
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: mutual acceptance and reciprocation.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: I absolutely think that when you hold the role of
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: being the strong friend, you are often a person who
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: is less likely to ask for help and also less
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: likely to receive help. Not because you don't want it.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: Strong friends are dying for support. Somebody, please show up,
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: but it's usually with the caveat and know what to
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: do and how to do it a little bit better
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: than me.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: It's also really interesting for you to say, as a
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: recovering strong friend, can you just shed a little bit
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: of light on that?
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: And the point that I just made is now is
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: because I know what it's like to be a strong friend.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: It's not that we don't want people to be better
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: than us, or that we think we're better than other people.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: People are usually strong friends because in their families, growing up,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: in previous relationships, they've learned that they need to be
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: able to be the person for themselves. I can't really
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: trust a lot of other people. People have shown me
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: that they're not going to show up for me. So,
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going to make sure that I
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: don't need people. I just get to have people if
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: I need them. But it turns out we're never really
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: comfortable leaning into that vulnerable exchange of can you be
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: there for me? So as a recovering strong friend, I
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: have to remind myself that I can be strong for
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: other people. If a friend is going through a death,
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: if there's a grief. You know this entire last three
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: years we've been living in Sometimes I am the person
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: who's holding someone up, who's having a hard time, but
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: I recognize as a human that I cannot hold that
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: all the time. I know how much capacity I have
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: to hold space for that person. And then maybe at apm.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: My phone is off and I'm drinking tea or I'm
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: drinking something.
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: I'm watching a show.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: And I'm not the strong friend for anybody right now.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: I'm just here for myself. But also the other part
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: of that is when I feel that pain and I'm
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: recognizing that I need support. Yes, therapy, yes, coaching, yes,
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: spiritual teachers, yes, all of those things. But in everyday life,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: can I reach out to someone and say, hey, do
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: you have a couple of minutes to talk to me
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: about this? I'm going through a hard time. And it
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: does take time for your friends to transition into you
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: needing them. There is a growth period that happens when
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: you stop being the person always holding space for other
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: people and start allowing people to hold space for you.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: And it can be disappointing when you ask people to
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: be there for you and they're like, actually, I don't
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: have time, I don't have space. But learning who the
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: people are who can hold that space, and also I
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: just want to share, learning how to allow yourself to
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: be disappointed, because when we don't allow people to be
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: there for us, that's what we're trying to forego. And
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: healthy relationships have disappointment as a part of them.
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: Oh woman, you speaking to my soul. I just feel
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: this so deeply, so deeply. Okay, So you articulate here.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: One of the reasons why a friendship may grow apart
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: is because perhaps one of the individuals, and again not
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: just friendships, we can also and perhaps maybe specifically at
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: a point down the road here in our conversation, talk
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: about romantic relationships. But you mentioned one reason why people
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: grow apart, and that is because perhaps one person is
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: coming to a better understanding about what their needs and
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: boundaries are. What are some other reasons why friendships may
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: need to kind of dissolve a little bit.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: Sometimes growth is a thing that creates space for us
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: to separate. Maybe we were friends because we partied together
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: throughout our twenties and now in our thirties, one person
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: still partying, one person's not. That is something I have
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: definitely experienced, and I don't.
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: Know anyone who hasn't.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Maybe we were friends at work and one person thought
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: it was more serious than it was and then when
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: you find a different job, they're not interested in continuing
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: the relationship. You were just the work friend and you
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: didn't know it. Sometimes when people get into romantic relationships
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: or romantic partnerships, the type of people that they have
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: around them or the space that they have changes, And
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: so because their lives have changed. Babies is another one
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: that changes friendships. Sometimes they don't have the capacity, and
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: so they've chosen the people that they've kept close, and
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: then other people they don't have close. Like there's so
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: many different life stages, and I think also what we've
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: all been experiencing with COVID over the last three years,
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: people have apart, some people will come back together because
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: naturally we haven't been able to keep up with people
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: the way we've wanted to. But in that time period,
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: people have changed, things have changed, and so we may
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: not have the same types of relationships or be interested
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: in keeping the same types of people around us that
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: we were interested in having before. And so I think
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: giving ourselves permission to evaluate the relationships that we have,
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: I don't think that they necessarily even have to always
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: let go an end. They may transform from being a
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: close friend to just a friend that you hang out with.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: Sometimes they can always be someone you care about. They
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: don't have to be someone that's like in your arsenal
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: of people that you turn to when you want to
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: hang out or when you want to do something, and
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: that's okay.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: I think that recognition of the role right that can
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: be really challenging, especially when let's say maybe their interactions
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: with you are downgraded. When you go from being a
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: friend that talk regularly and do things regularly together to
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: a space where maybe you don't talk for a month
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: or two and then you catch up, or maybe you
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: don't talk for even longer periods of time. Getting to
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: a place where you can have grace with that transition
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: can be really really challenging.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: Absolutely because you're thinking, like, what did I do? Like,
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: that's the natural response. People are thinking that I do
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: something wrong? Do you know? Do you not like me anymore?
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: We go back to the playground, right, do you want
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: to play with me? Are we friends?
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: Like?
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: We go back to that place because we want to
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: belong and we have a connection with someone, And it's
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: absolutely normal to feel those feelings. I've definitely felt them,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: and I think that's when we are invited to have
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: a conversation and say, hey, I just want to make
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: sure that everything's cool, or maybe you don't even have
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: to have this conversation, you say, hey, do you want
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: to hang out? Can we chat on the phone, and
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: you know, catching up with them before we create that
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: story about why we're not talking catching up with them
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: and seeing, hey, maybe they've been going through something that
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: they're not interested. They're not able to keep up with
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: me in the same way they were before. And also
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: maybe you can't keep up with that particular friend that
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: you want to. Are there other people in your life
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: that have the time and space to hang out with you.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we kind of like pinch whole people into I
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: want you to be the person who's here from me
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: right now. You have to allow people to decide whether
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: they can be there for you, and it's really tough,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: but it's a part of adulting totally.
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: It is. It's super super tough.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: And you touched on something that I think is another
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: difficult point, and that is knowing when to have a
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: conversation about what's going on versus perhaps choosing to let
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: things just be. That can be the most soul crushing
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: moment because perhaps one person wants to have a conversation
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: and the other person doesn't, And then you have to
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: ask yourselves like, what is it that we owe to
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: this relationship or do we owe this relationship anything? So
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: can you maybe give some points or tips about how
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: to navigate that sticky place?
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Absolutely, I think it's important to ask yourself, like,
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: who was this person to me? Let's start there, like
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: if we think about, was this just a coworker friend
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: that you went to lunch with a couple of times
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: a week at work, but you really didn't have any
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: interaction in each other's lives, We've never met each other's families,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: et cetera. Perhaps we don't need to have a conversation
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: when you leave your job about what that relationship is
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: going to look like afterwards, right, you see, if it
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: stays together or naturally falls apart. We all have relationships
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: like that. But if you think about, like you know
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: what I've been thinking about lately. Everybody might not watch this,
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: but and just like that the new Sex Andicity.
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: Oh I watch it.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: I'm here, so okay, sam she's not here right, So
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: if you don't watch the show, I'm sorry, But Samantha,
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: it was a part of a friendship of four women
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: who had been friends for decades. They are what I
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: would consider like family. And something happened in terms of
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: Carrie and Samantha's relationship, and Samantha is not friends with
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: the three of them anymore. They haven't had a conversation
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: about it. It seems like there was an argument, but
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: then the relationship ended. The question that you have in
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: that situation, and you see Carrie grappling with that, is
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: how do I try to reach out? How do I
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: try to you know, make a bridge. She's trying to
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: connect through funny things. Like I walked past La Perla
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: the other day, I thought about it, you know, understanding
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: that if somebody has put a boundary in place, which
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: is what sam did, like she put a whole ocean
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: in place, If somebody has put a boundary in place
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: and they're not interested in connecting with you, it's really
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: important to allow people to set their boundaries and honor
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: them in the same way we would want people to
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: honor us. And it may seem really sexy, and it's
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: so interesting that Carrie is doing that. Again, I'm not
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: going to go into it and just like that breakdown,
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: but that she's doing that because she's the type of
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: person on the show, this character that is very much
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: romanticizes everything, and so it may seem kind of romantic
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: or kind to continuously reach out to somebody who has
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: said they're not interested in being a relationship with you,
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: but actually it's a boundary violation and unless they are
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: interested in talking, then you have no choice but to
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: try to grieve and let go of that. And so
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: I think it's important for people to recognize in real life,
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: when you had those situations happening, whether there was a
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: disagreement or whether there wasn't a disagreement, and the relationship
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: is just growing apart naturally, ask yourself, what do I
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: need to be able to move forward? Do I need
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: to have a conversation with them? So often and this
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: is a little bit off topic, but in romantic relationships,
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: people feel like I need to have the closure talk,
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: and it's like, do you or is this closure conversation
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: actually a hopeful opportunity to reconnect. I always invite people
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: to ask themselves that, like, what is your real intention here?
• 23:52
  Speaker 3: Oh my god, my heart feels this a lot.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: I recently wasn't a really I mean it really broke
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: me up an unfortunate situation similar I guess to maybe
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: what Carrie and Samantha went through, except there was no
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: argument and I said something or did something that hurts
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: someone that I care about her feelings, and rather than
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: having a conversation about the fact that I hurt her feelings,
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: she kind of put the boundary up and she was like, listen, like,
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: I'm just focused on some things right now.
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: This isn't serving me. And it was crushing.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: It was crushing because I felt and do feel like
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: there's so much room for potential in that relationship and
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: I am still very excited to support her and wherever
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: her life goes, in whatever way that I can. But
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: at this moment in time, she has made it very
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: clear that she's not interested in that support. And so
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: it is you have to go through this period of
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: I would say, yes, grieving.
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: I definitely grieved this.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: I cried walking down the street after getting off an
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: amdrag train in Washington, DC. But then also understand that
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: you have to handle how this makes you feel on
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: your own time, and that's not their real responsibility, which
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: is so difficult. It is so difficult, especially again when
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: this happens with someone that you do have a special
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: relationship with, but respecting their boundaries is important. Understanding that
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: at some time, you know, maybe it will come back
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: around and maybe it's just a time thing, but you
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: never know.
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: You never know.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, anytime we have loss, which is what
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: letting go is, there's grief that shows up. And grief
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: can be scary because the you know, we want, we
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: don't want to experience the sadness that comes up with that,
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: which is why a lot of times were like, let
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: me just fix this, because if I fix this and
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: we move past this and I don't have this emotion anymore. Also,
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: we don't want to lose them. Losing them is you know,
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: it feels like with friends, losing a part of ourselves.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: We have to be able to remind ourselves that there's
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: still the potential for reconciliation. But all so if it
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: doesn't happen, we have other people that can support us
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: and hold us, and it can be hard to not
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: make those moments the center and like of everything that's happening.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: In those moments, allow yourself to feel how you're feeling, grieve,
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: talk about it, and then at some point ask yourself,
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: how you're going to begin to give yourself permission to
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: move forward by connecting with the people that you know,
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: trust and love and are interested in continuing to be
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: in relationship with you. But it's just like in the show,
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: you know, there's always going to be those things. You
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: walk past that place, there's a joke that's funny, and
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: you think of them, and you know this would be
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: a perfect opportunity to call them or text them and
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: say something, and asking yourself, am I honoring their boundaries
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: and my own by doing this is a really it's
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: a really brave question because we don't actually want to
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: do that. We want to just act on what's coming up.
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: Taking a break from today's episode to give some love
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: to my sponsor ag one from Athletic Greens.
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  Speaker 2: necessary Athleticgreens dot Com slash hurdle. Yeah. And I think
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: what we're touching on here also is the important for
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: closure within yourself. Like, yes, closure can happen with someone else,
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: That can happen with a conversation or perhaps It can
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: happen with a face to face conversation, it can happen
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: with the phone conversation. Maybe you get slow closure, which
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: is putting like small boundaries in place, and maybe you'll
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: see them around and then with time, maybe you won't
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: see them around. But going back to the note of
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: guiding closure within yourself, I mean, there's a ton of
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: ways to do that, which I'm sure that we can
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: talk about right now. A technique that I have used
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: oftentimes is writing a goodbye letter that is actually just
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: for me. It's not, you know, a whole email and
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: I'm going to send off into the universe and definitely
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: not to that person, but writing down a letter to
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: really recap, like where I was with this relationship at
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: this time, and why did I feel like it was
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: good for my life, Why might it not be the
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: right fit for it right now? And where perhaps down
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: the line or what work can I do so that
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: down the line, if it was to come back to
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: me full circle, that maybe I could be a better
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: friend in the future.
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: I think that is so powerful.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: I always it's something similar that I share with clients
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: when it comes to you know, if there's this particular
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: thing that keeps coming up that they're trying to grief
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: writing a letter to themselves as they were at that time,
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: to reconcile with themselves. Writing a letter, a goodbye letter
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: to them is powerful. Also, writing a forgiveness letter to
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: yourself is really powerful. I think the biggest thing that
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: we also experienced with grief, especially something like this, is
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: damn like if I didn't say that, would I be here?
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: And there's we can be really hard on ourselves, that
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: can be shamed, there can be guilt, and so when
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: we write that letter of forgiveness, we're reminding ourselves I
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: never had the intention of this being what it is
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: right now, and so I forgive myself for being human.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: I forgive myself for making mistakes, and I know that
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: now that I don't want to recreate this in the future,
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: but I also give myself permission to make mistakes in
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: the future and to you know, because again, if you're
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: recovering a perfectionists, there are lots of triggers that can
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: come up. When people call you out on your stuff
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: or share when you've hurt them, it can begin to
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: become a cycle of really being hard on yourself, which
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: isn't helpful when you're already going through something really hard
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: like grief.
• 30:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you said the word intention, which I think
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: is a really important word for us to talk about
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: just a little bit here. You know, it's just really
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: interesting to me because when you're younger, you don't think
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: about someone's intentions when it comes to becoming your friend.
• 31:00
  Speaker 3: This person just wants to be my friend.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: But as we get older, it feels as the life
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: gets just a little bit more complicated, and so do
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: making these relationships and coming to them with a certain
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: level of openness, understanding that there, as we've covered here
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: so far, could be different reasons why someone intends to
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: bring you into their circle.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's such a powerful point because you know, like
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: I have a few friends, but one of my closest
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: my closest friend, we've known each other since junior year
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: of high school, and oh my gosh, we are not
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: the same people. We are not friends today for the
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: same reason we became friends then in the lunch room
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: in high school. I think it's really important to revisit
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: that intention. We didn't like sit down and say why
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: are we still friends? That's not how it usually happens.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: We the things that we connect on begin to change.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: They you know, dating, and then it was partying, and
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: then it was motherhood, and then it was growth, and
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: then it was therapy. And you may not be able
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: to share all of these things with every single person.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: I do believe there are special people that come into
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: your life sometimes that is just a click and you
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: don't have to have that uncomfortability that you have sometimes
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: with every other relationship. But in adult relationships and creating
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: relationships as adult adults in tension is important for yourself.
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: This isn't about the other person. Why am I creating
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: this relationship? What about them has made me feel like
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: I want to take this relationship further? What am I
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: hoping to gain out of this relationship? And then also
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: reminding yourself. I think this is always important and it's
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: not to be negative, it's just to be honest. Are
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: there any red flags that I have seen that I
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: am ignoring because I'm more excited about who this person
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: could potentially be in me than I am about who
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: they have shown me to be so far. This is
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: also important for dating, and I know we're not talking
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: about dating, but there's nothing more exciting than meeting a
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: new person who seems like, oh my gosh, this is
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: the person I've been waiting to be friends with, this
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: is the person I've been waiting to be you parted with.
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: We see red flags and we're like, I don't have
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: time for that right now. I just want to enjoy
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: this moment. And it's like, and do both enjoy this
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: moment and also be honest with yourself about the fact
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: that there's something you saw that you know is not
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: in alignment with who you are, so that you can
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: have those conversations now and not down the line explode
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: on them or yourself and realize this is a joke,
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: you know. And so I think it's easier said than done.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: I understand that, but really it's and it's not about
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: blaming yourself. This is just about curiosity with why do
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: I connect with the people that I connect with? What
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: is my intention behind these connections? And and I hope
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: and when when I say intention, Am I hoping that
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: they'll make me feel full? Am I hoping that they'll
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: make me feel safe? Am I hoping that we can
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: have fun together? Am I hoping that they'll I'll finally
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: feel loved because I have them in my life? Like,
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: if those are the intentions you have, it's time to
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: back it up a bit and think about how you
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: can give yourself those things. Do you need to talk
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: to a therapist? Do you need to talk to a coach?
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: Do you need to realize how you can because you're
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: already putting expectations on those people, on those relationships that
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: those people haven't signed up for. Our intentions and healthy
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: relationships should sound something a little bit more like, I'm
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: hoping to travel with them. They said they like to travel.
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: I like to travel. We can travel together. This is
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: going to be my travel partner. You know, I'm dating them.
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: They are interested in kids, I'm interested in kids. This
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: sounds great. If you say I'm interested in dogs and
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: they say they're interested in kids, most likely they're not
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: going to be able to convince you for kids, right, Like,
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: their intention for a partner is very different, and so
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: being honest about that is important to.
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: Your point about it can be both like you can
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: have fun with that person in that moment, but also
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: recognize the red flags is so important, especially because it's
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: easier to get at a point at the beginning where
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: you n what someone could be and go through those
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: motions than it is to be, you know, two three
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: four years into a romantic relationship and be like dealing
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: with the frustrations that you had, knowing that two three
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: four years prior, you could have avoided this heartbreak if
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: you were just willing to get honest with yourself.
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, we say, oh, I loved that they were different
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: back then. I love that they were different than what
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: I usually look for. Whatever, you know, we tell ourselves
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: these stories about why we want to connect, but usually
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: the truth is we don't want to be alone. We're
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: tired of looking, we're tired of searching. We've found and
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: people don't have to be perfect for us. There doesn't
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: have to be a checklist. But those red flags that
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: you're seeing aren't in them. They aren't wrong. The red
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: flags are coming up in you. They don't align with you.
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: So it's not you trying to change them, it's you
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: realizing that they don't fit with what you want unless
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: you are willing to compromise and change something about yourself
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: to meet them. So you're not being a bad person
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: if you say you're wonderful but this isn't going to work.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: You're honoring yourself and you're honoring their time too, because
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: if you're not being honest with yourself, then ninety nine
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: point nine percent of the time, you're not being honest
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: with them, and they think that who they are is
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: what you want. So there's confusion later on when you say,
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: why are you doing this thing? They're like, this is
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: the same thing I've been doing for twenty years. You
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: didn't have a problem with it. Oh well, I wasn't honest.
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: And if you're listening to this and you're thinking, this
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: is me and I feel like I feel bad about
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: the fact that I haven't been honest with myself, Please
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: give yourself some grace and compassion, because all of us
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: lie to ourselves. So many of us betray our own
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: truth in the name of what other people say we
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: should do or what people want to do, and so
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: many of us are trying to meet societal guidelines. Get
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: married by a certain age, you have kids by this age,
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: do this, do that, and we're ignoring our own red
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: flags to meet those requirements so that we're validated, at seen, loved, accepted,
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: and belong But really belonging to ourselves is the priority,
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: and you might have to do a lot of things
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: a little bit lonelier with the less people around you
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: than you would if you just said yes to something
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: that you know doesn't fit.
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm looking for that world serious kind of love,
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying.
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: That is what I tell myself all the time in
• 37:33
  Speaker 3: these lonely moments. I'm like, you have come.
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: You have not come this far to only come this far,
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: So settling is just it's a non option for me.
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: Something I do want to ask you about when it
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: comes to either friendships or romantic relationships, is what happens
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: when you may be in a situation where two individuals
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: no longer feel like the relationship is serving them, yet
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: are part of a bigger thing where seeing one another
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: is going to be something that happens with some sort
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: of frequency. I'm not talking about you know, every weekend
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: you're at the bar and this person's there, But it
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: could be that, or it could be just you know,
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: once every so often. How do you navigate that with
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: this person?
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think this is so interesting. I always think
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: about this in terms of, like, uh, you know, celebrities
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: that date each other and then have to go on
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: all awards show, Like we're thinking, like, you can't avoid
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: You're not going to not go to do your job
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: because somebody you dated is there, right, So we're thinking
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: about those kind of work a wedding. You have mutual friends,
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: I think it's really important to recognize that you do
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: not have to have a conversation with them about how
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: you're going to show up in this space. I think
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: this is the most important thing to mention because a
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: lot of times, and especially my client who identify as women,
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: feel like I need to have a conversation with them
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: so that everything is clear and they understand. And then
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: I called their mutual friend and they helped meet up
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: understand you know, where they are in their lives. Why like,
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: why does your energy need to be spent on what's
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: going on with that person? What would it be like
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: to ask yourself, Okay, I'm going to this event. I
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: know I'm going to see a partner that I dated.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: How am I feeling? Do I need to bring a
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: plus one? Could be a friend to help me, you know,
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: feel like I have somebody to navigate the space with.
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: It did it end well? And I don't actually even
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: need to talk to them at this event, Like the
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: event becomes secondary and seeing your potential X becomes primary
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: in those situations. Allow yourself to not have to do
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: the game of uh, am I doing better than they were?
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: Did I win the breakup game?
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: Am I going to have to talk to them and
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: we're going to have to catch up? Do what makes
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: you feel comfortable? How would it feel to give yourself
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: permission to show up and do what makes you feel
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: absolutely comfortable in nothing more? You can always say hello,
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: you can always be kind, and you don't have to
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: have any level of extended conversation that you're not interested in.
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: And I think a lot of this just comes from
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: again wanting to connect, but also sometimes we follow societal
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: rules about how we're supposed to how we're supposed to
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: be in connection with each other after breakups that don't
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: even really relate to what we feel and believe, But
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: we just do it because that's what we were just
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: living the cycle that we've seen other people do, or
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: even what we've seen people do in movies. We're doing
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: the same thing like, oh, I'm going to be like
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: this person in that movie, you know in that scene?
• 40:30
  Speaker 3: Are you?
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: Or could you just be you?
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: Are you?
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: Though? Okay, So the piece of advice here is do
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: what truly feels right for you, and don't run to
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: have conversations that aren't really going to change the trajectory
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: of what happens at this thing that you're dreading.
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this thing will be probably an hour and a
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: half and then you're going to go back to your
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: lives and then you may not see each other until
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: the next time this thing happens. And that's okay.
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's okay, that's okay. All right, What have
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: we missed here? Is there anything that we should touch
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: on before I let you go? When it comes to
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: letting go of relationships.
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, I just think the last thing that
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: came to mind was letting go of romantic relationships and
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: moving forward, especially when the partner you were with has
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: like whatever your definition of successfully moved forward quotations is right.
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: They are partnered, now, they are married, now they are whatever.
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: They finally opened the bar that you said they should open,
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: whatever it is that they're doing, and you think, did
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: I leave too soon? It looks like they've changed, It
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: looks like, you know, I think it's important to focus
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: on yourself in breakups. I know that might sound wild,
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: because it's like the one thing we want to do
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: is post mortem on the from the moment we met
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: them to the moment it ended, and everything that they've
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: done since. And I haven't dated since social media has
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: been the thing, but I can't even the seeing their
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: posts and you know, decoding them, like unfollow your ex.
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: If you guys are not real friends, I don't mean like,
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: oh it's cordial, like if you aren't in each other's lives. Still,
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: why why continue to have them as a part of
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: your life. It's if it's causing you discomfort, if it's
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: not adding to you and fueling you, but focusing on yourself,
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: what do you want? What lessons did you learn from
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: that breakup? What did you learn about yourself? How are
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: you proud of yourself for no longer continuing a cycle
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: that you did with the other people? That took you
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: a long time then, but now you realize it quickly
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: and moved on. How are you proud of yourself for
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: putting yourself back out there and dating? How are you
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: proud of yourself and walking out of a date? Maybe
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: that was just a sham and you know you realize
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: it in the middle, like remembering how you are dating
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: not to impress others, not to be seen by others,
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: not to be validated by others. But you're dating because
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: you're looking for some form of partnership, whatever that form
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: of partnership is for. You give yourself space to focus
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: on you, and then when you meet someone, you can
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: focus on them and still you, and vice versa.
• 43:20
  Speaker 3: And both both. The word of today is both. It's both.
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: Yes, Oh my goodness, it's such good advice. It's such
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: good advice. And I also we said it earlier in
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: this episode. But when something just doesn't pan out, to
• 43:35
  Speaker 2: have that grace with yourself, I mean everyone is going
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: to take a different amount of time to navigate the
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: feelings that you are natural to experience when you get
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: out of a very important relationship, and so not feeling
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: guilt or shame about the way that you need to
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: do that, finding the resources that you need to truly
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: process that and move forward at a pace that feels
• 43:56
  Speaker 2: right for you, not one that someone else tells you
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: you should be moving it.
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, even the articles, even the good podcast like this,
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: Like if I have said something that's like that doesn't resonate,
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: I resonate, I'd actually rather do this, do what resonates
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: with you. Allow this to be something that sparks your curiosity,
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: not something that is you know, rule, and you have
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: to follow exactly as it says it should go.
• 44:20
  Speaker 2: And at the end of the day, again, remember you
• 44:24
  Speaker 2: have value as you, as who you are, as what
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: you're doing right now. So just because it's not aligning
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: with someone else doesn't mean that you're a bad person.
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that other people aren't going to appreciate
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: your worth.
• 44:39
  Speaker 3: It just means that maybe it wasn't the right fit.
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and that's completely okay. And I always am so
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: thankful when that happens because I'm like, oh, I don't
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: have to put my energy into that anymore. I can
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: wish them absolute well and move forward.
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: What a beautiful perspective and a hard one to adopt,
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: a hard fun I.
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: Allow my hard one to adopt, be angry and all
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: of that, and all of that as well. And then
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: I get to I wish them well and I'm going.
• 45:03
  Speaker 3: To move forward. I'm going to move forward.
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: Well, we're going to move forward, and I'm again so
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: excited for you and the launch of your app at
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: the end of the month. Let us know all the details,
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: how do we make sure that we're following along with you?
• 45:14
  Speaker 3: How do we stay in the loop when it comes
• 45:15
  Speaker 3: to the sugar Jar app. Give me the details.
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: Yes, So the sugar Jar app is going to be available,
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: like I said, on Apple and Google Play, So you
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: can just search the sugar Jar community app after February
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: twenty second. But also you can follow me on Instagram
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: or get on my newsletter and have access to all
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: of the new updates and all the things happening there.
• 45:36
  Speaker 3: All the things happening there.
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: I'm over at Hurdle podcast and at Emily Abadi another
• 45:40
  Speaker 2: Hurdle conquered.
• 45:42
  Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time.