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When Love Has to Become Courage · Infinite Threads with Bob Barnett

• 0:00
  [music]
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Infinite Threads.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Bob.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: This week,
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  SPEAKER_00: I want to bring love into a harder room,
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  SPEAKER_00: not because love has stopped being gentle,
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  SPEAKER_00: but because real gentleness eventually has to protect something.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: We've spent a lot of time here talking about love as a force,
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: as a thread, as something that connects us beneath the surface of our lives.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that still feels true to me, maybe more true All the time.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: But if love is real, it can't stay floating above the difficult parts of being human.
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  SPEAKER_00: It has to enter the places where people are hurting.
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  SPEAKER_00: It has to enter the silence where someone is afraid to speak.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: It has to enter the moment when we know something is wrong,
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  SPEAKER_00: but doing something about it may cost us comfort,
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  SPEAKER_00: approval, Or the illusion that we can stay safely neutral.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that's where love becomes courage.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I think we need to say this clearly.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love is not weakness.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love is not passive.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love is not standing by with a soft expression while harm keeps happening.
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  SPEAKER_00: There are times when tenderness has to get to its feet.
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  SPEAKER_00: A parent protecting a child is love.
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  SPEAKER_00: So is a friend telling the truth when silence would be easier.
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  SPEAKER_00: So is an apology when pride would rather defend itself.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so is the moment a person says, this pattern cannot keep going.
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  SPEAKER_00: And means it enough to change.
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  SPEAKER_00: None of that is sentimental.
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  SPEAKER_00: Some of it is frightening.
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  SPEAKER_00: And most of it is inconvenient.
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  SPEAKER_00: That may be why we sometimes prefer a smaller version of love.
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  SPEAKER_00: A love that comforts but never challenges.
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  SPEAKER_00: A love that agrees but never corrects.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: A love that lets us feel kind without asking us to be brave.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: But real love eventually disturbs our neutrality.
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  SPEAKER_00: It will not let us pretend forever that another person's pain has nothing to do with us.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now, courage does not mean rushing into every argument
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  SPEAKER_00: with our opinions swinging around like a broom in a wasp nest.
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  SPEAKER_00: Noise and courage are not the same thing.
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  SPEAKER_00: A person can be loud and still be avoiding the truth.
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  SPEAKER_00: The courage that love asks for is often quieter than that.
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  SPEAKER_00: It may begin with one sentence that we have been putting off.
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  SPEAKER_00: I need to talk about something.
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  SPEAKER_00: This isn't okay.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
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  SPEAKER_00: I can't be part of that.
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  SPEAKER_00: I want to understand, but I can't pretend that this didn't hurt.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Those sentences may not sound heroic.
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  SPEAKER_00: They usually don't come with music swelling in the background,
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  SPEAKER_00: but they can change the future of a relationship.
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  SPEAKER_00: They can open a door Where silence has been building a wall.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love notices when the air changes.
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  SPEAKER_00: It notices when someone's dignity is being pushed out of the room.
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  SPEAKER_00: It notices when peace is being confused with everyone being too afraid to speak.
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  SPEAKER_00: That difference matters.
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  SPEAKER_00: Quiet is not always peace.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes quiet is what happens when the wounded person Stops trying to be heard.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it is what happens when the most aggressive person in
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  SPEAKER_00: the room has trained everyone else to tiptoe.
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  SPEAKER_00: Peace is different.
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  SPEAKER_00: Peace requires truth.
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  SPEAKER_00: It requires safety.
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  SPEAKER_00: It requires repair.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love knows the difference.
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  SPEAKER_00: Even when we would rather not.
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  SPEAKER_00: So when love becomes courage, it does not become cruel.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: That is important.
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  SPEAKER_00: We have seen too much cruelty dress itself up as strength.
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  SPEAKER_00: We've seen domination called conviction and revenge called justice
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  SPEAKER_00: and anger mistaken for moral clarity.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love doesn't need to dehumanize in order to stand up.
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  SPEAKER_00: It can be firm without becoming vicious.
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  SPEAKER_00: It can stop harm without feeding hatred,
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  SPEAKER_00: and it can protect the vulnerable without pretending that
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  SPEAKER_00: the person causing harm has stopped being human.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, that's really not easy.
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  SPEAKER_00: When people cause damage, especially deep damage, Pain naturally wants somewhere to go.
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  SPEAKER_00: Grief wants the universe to balance the scales.
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  SPEAKER_00: Fear wants protection, and it should have protection.
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  SPEAKER_00: Nobody should be asked to keep standing in the path of harm just to prove that they are loving.
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  SPEAKER_00: But love asks a harder question than revenge does.
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  SPEAKER_00: Revenge says, how do we make them suffer?
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  SPEAKER_00: Love asks, how do we stop the harm, protect the wounded, and keep this from happening again?
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  SPEAKER_00: That second question is harder.
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  SPEAKER_00: It requires courage, restraint, honesty, and wisdom.
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  SPEAKER_00: It refuses the cheap satisfaction of becoming what it opposes.
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  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that, maybe that is one of the strongest things that love can do.
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  SPEAKER_00: Stand between harm And the vulnerable,
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  SPEAKER_00: while still refusing to let hatred become the center of the story.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's not softness in the weak sense.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is strength with a soul.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think about how often courage begins in small places,
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  SPEAKER_00: around a table,
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  SPEAKER_00: in a family conversation,
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  SPEAKER_00: in a workplace where everyone knows something is wrong,
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  SPEAKER_00: but nobody wants to be the one to name it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Inside our own hearts where we finally admit that an old habit,
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  SPEAKER_00: an old resentment, or an old fear has been running the show for too long.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love becomes courage when it stops hiding inside good intentions.
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  SPEAKER_00: It moves from I care to, to I will do what care requires.
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  SPEAKER_00: And care may require different things depending on the moment.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it means speaking and sometimes it means listening long enough
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  SPEAKER_00: to understand what our first reaction missed.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it means creating distance and sometimes it means staying close.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it means stopping someone from doing more damage.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it means remaining present with the wounded long after everyone else has moved on.
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  SPEAKER_00: That, that's why love has to be wise.
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  SPEAKER_00: Courage without wisdom can create new wounds.
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  SPEAKER_00: Wisdom without courage can watch old wounds continue.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love, love tries to hold both.
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  SPEAKER_00: It asks, what protects life here?
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  SPEAKER_00: That question is different from what makes me feel righteous.
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  SPEAKER_00: It is different from what lets me win.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's different from what keeps me comfortable.
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  SPEAKER_00: What protects life?
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  SPEAKER_00: What protects dignity?
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  SPEAKER_00: What opens the possibility of repair?
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  SPEAKER_00: Those are not easy questions, but they're better questions.
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  SPEAKER_00: And maybe, maybe that is where the love force becomes real in us.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not when we talk about it beautifully, but when it asks something of us and we don't turn away.
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  SPEAKER_00: A softer answer when we could have humiliated someone.
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  SPEAKER_00: A boundary where we have been pretending everything is fun.
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  SPEAKER_00: A truth spoken without the desire to destroy.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or a refusal to participate in cruelty even when cruelty is popular.
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  SPEAKER_00: These are not little things.
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  SPEAKER_00: They are the shape love takes when it decides the moment needs more than feeling.
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  SPEAKER_00: As we begin this week, I want to stay close to that.
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  SPEAKER_00: It is comfort, yes,
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  SPEAKER_00: but it is also a call,
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: a call to stand up when tenderness is needed in motion,
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  SPEAKER_00: a call to speak when silence would help harm continue,
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  SPEAKER_00: a call to protect without hatred,
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  SPEAKER_00: to tell the truth without cruelty,
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  SPEAKER_00: and to keep our humanity when the world gives us permission to throw it away.
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  SPEAKER_00: That also is Not easy.
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  SPEAKER_00: But maybe courage was never supposed to feel easy.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe courage is what love feels like when it has to walk into a hard room.
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  SPEAKER_00: And maybe the more we practice that,
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  SPEAKER_00: the more we discover that that tenderness was never weak at all.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was simply waiting for the moment to stand.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I love you guys very, very, very, very, very, very much.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what I need you to do, right?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Go out and pass that on.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Later, Gators.
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  SPEAKER_00: Bye-bye.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_02: Here we go.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome, friends.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_02: Enjoy the show.