Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Set Boundaries With Their Team
Transcript
- Lucas: So you've been a manager for about three weeks. You're doing okay — your one-on-ones feel productive, you've stopped interrupting your team every hour. But there's this one thing that's starting to gnaw at you: your former peer, now direct report, still texts you at ten PM about stuff that could absolutely wait until morning. Luna: Oh, that's a classic. And it's not just the late-night texts — it's the expectation that you're still 'one of them,' not the person who now has to evaluate their performance. Lucas: Right. And this is the topic of today's show — how new managers set boundaries with their team. Not the kind of boundaries that make you seem cold or unapproachable, but the kind that actually let your team function without you being on call 24/7. Luna: Before we dive deep — and this is totally related to what we're talking about — I want to mention something. We keep this show ad-free, and that's only possible because listeners who find value in it choose to support us. If we've helped you think through a career move or a tricky management situation, you can buy us a coffee — literally — at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, and it genuinely makes a difference. We read every message that comes with those. It's how we know which topics to dig into next. So if boundaries are your thing today, that link is buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Luna: Alright, back to it. Lucas, I know you've got some data on this. Lucas: I do. The Center for Creative Leadership ran a study last year — surveyed first-time managers across a range of industries. Sixty-two percent said boundary-setting was one of their top three struggles in the first six months. And the number one regret? Not having a conversation about it early enough. Luna: That tracks. Because if you wait until you're annoyed, you're already coming from a place of frustration, not clarity. Lucas: Exactly. So today we're going to focus on a specific scenario: managing a former peer — someone who was your friend, or at least a friendly colleague — and you need to shift that relationship without burning it down. Let's start with the mental model I find most useful. I call it the 'friendship to authority spectrum.' Luna: Okay, I'm listening. Paint it for me. Lucas: On one end you have pure friendship — no hierarchy, total candor, you'd grab a beer after work and complain about the boss. On the other end you have pure authority — think military commander, where orders aren't questioned. Most new managers think they have to pick one. And they're terrified of sliding too far toward authority because they don't want to lose the relationship. Luna: So what's the right spot? Lucas: Somewhere in the middle, and you can move along the spectrum depending on context. In a one-on-one performance conversation, you're closer to the authority end. In a team lunch, you're closer to friendship. The key is being intentional about where you are and communicating that shift explicitly — not just hoping they guess. Luna: What does that explicit communication sound like? Can you give us a script? Lucas: Sure. Let's say your former peer, call her Sarah, texts you at nine PM about a non-urgent project question. You could reply in the morning and say nothing — that's passive. Or you could reply and answer it — that reinforces the behavior. Instead, you might say something like: 'Hey, saw your message. I want to make sure we're both getting a real break in the evenings. Can we pick this up first thing tomorrow? I'll check my messages at eight AM.' Luna: I like that because it's not about scolding her — it's about a shared standard. You're including yourself in the boundary. Lucas: Right. And that's the trick with former peers — you have to make the boundary about a norm you're both following, not a rule you're imposing on them. Another example: if they start venting about another team member in a way that feels like gossip, you can say: 'I hear you, and I think this is something we should address directly with that person. Do you want me to help you set up that conversation?' Luna: That's a pivot — you're not shutting them down, you're redirecting to a more productive action. Lucas: Exactly. And sometimes the boundary isn't about after-hours or gossip — it's about scope. A former peer might assume you'll still do their old job tasks. Like, 'Hey, can you run this report for me?' And you used to do that. But now you're their manager. Luna: That one's tricky because it feels small. You don't want to make a big deal out of a five-minute favor. Lucas: But five-minute favors add up. And more importantly, they blur the line of who owns what. I think the most effective script there is: 'I used to run that report, but now my role is to make sure the team's metrics are on track. Let's figure out who on the team should own this going forward — do you want to take it on, or should we look at reassigning it?' Luna: That's good because it puts the ownership question back to them without you having to say 'that's not my job.' Lucas: Yeah, and it frames it as a team resource question, not a personal refusal. Let's talk about another common scenario: when a former peer challenges your authority in a meeting. Like they openly disagree with a decision you've made, and they do it in front of the whole team. Luna: Oh, that's the one that makes new managers' stomachs drop. How do you handle that without looking weak or starting a fight? Lucas: First, don't get defensive in the moment. You can say: 'I hear your concern. Let's talk about it offline so we can give it the attention it deserves.' That does two things: it shows you're not dismissing them, but it also signals that public challenges aren't the venue for those conversations. Luna: And then in the one-on-one, what do you say? Lucas: You say something like: 'I value your perspective — that's why I wanted to hear more. But going forward, if you have a concern about a decision I've made, I'd prefer you bring it to me first, one-on-one, so we can work through it together. That way we're presenting a united front to the team.' Luna: That's firm but respectful. You're not saying they can't disagree — you're just changing the venue. Lucas: Exactly. And this brings up a broader point: boundaries aren't about creating distance. They're about creating predictability. When your team knows what to expect from you — when you'll respond, how you'll handle disagreements, what's in your lane versus theirs — they actually feel more secure, not less. Luna: There's a great example from a company I've read about — I think it was a tech firm that implemented 'no-meeting Wednesdays.' But they also had a norm that managers wouldn't Slack after 6 PM unless it was a true emergency. And they found that team satisfaction scores went up because people could actually disconnect. Lucas: That's a perfect illustration. The boundary wasn't about the manager being unavailable — it was about creating space for deep work and rest. And when the manager modeled it, the team felt permission to do the same. Luna: So part of setting boundaries is modeling them yourself. If you're sending emails at midnight, you can't complain when your team does. Lucas: Right. And that's especially important for new managers who used to be peers. Your former peers are watching you closely — they're looking for signs that you've changed. So if you say 'I don't expect responses after hours' but you're still sending messages at 10 PM, they'll feel pressured to respond. Luna: So what do you do if you need to send that late-night email because you had a thought? Do you schedule it for the next morning? Lucas: Yes. Most email clients let you schedule send. Use that. It's a small habit that signals you're serious about boundaries. I also think it helps to have a team conversation early on — like in your second week as manager — where you explicitly talk about communication norms. Luna: What would that conversation look like? Walk us through it. Lucas: You could say something like: 'I want to make sure we're all working in a way that's sustainable. Here's how I'm going to handle communication: I'll respond to messages within four hours during the workday. After six PM, I might send things, but I never expect a response until the next day. If something is truly urgent, you can text me, but I'd ask you to reserve that for real emergencies. What works for all of you?' Luna: The 'what works for you' part is key — it invites them to co-create the norms rather than having them imposed. Lucas: Exactly. And you'll find that some people want tighter boundaries — they'd prefer no messages after five. Others are fine with a more flexible approach. The point is to agree on something together. Luna: Let's talk about a different kind of boundary: when a team member tries to pull you into a decision that they should make themselves. I've seen new managers get overwhelmed because they feel like they have to have all the answers. Lucas: That's the 'reverse delegation' problem. Your report comes to you with a problem and expects you to solve it. The boundary there is to ask: 'What do you think we should do?' or 'What options have you considered?' You're not refusing to help — you're insisting that they come with a recommendation. Luna: There's a great term for that — some leadership coaches call it 'the Question Jar.' The idea is that before they come to you with a problem, they have to have at least one potential solution. Lucas: I like that. And it's a boundary that actually develops your team's problem-solving muscles. Over time, they'll bring you fewer problems and more well-thought-out proposals. Luna: So we've covered after-hours texts, public challenges, scope creep, and reverse delegation. What's one more scenario that new managers often miss? Lucas: I think the one that's easy to overlook is the emotional boundary. When you used to be peers, you might have been each other's sounding boards for complaints about the company or other leaders. But now you're part of management. If a former peer starts venting about a new policy, you can't just join in. Luna: That's a tough one because it feels like you're betraying the camaraderie. How do you handle it? Lucas: You can acknowledge their feelings without endorsing the complaint. Something like: 'I hear that this is frustrating. Let me share the context behind that decision — there were some constraints we were working with. And I'm happy to take your feedback to the leadership team if you want.' Luna: So you're not dismissing them, but you're also not joining the negativity. You're positioning yourself as a bridge. Lucas: Exactly. And that's really the overarching theme here: boundaries are bridges, not walls. They define where you end and someone else begins, but they also create a clean connection point. Without boundaries, everything blurs and nothing works well. Luna: I think the takeaway for new managers is: have the conversation early, be explicit, model the behavior, and frame it as a shared norm. If you do that, you can maintain the relationship while establishing the new dynamic. Lucas: And give yourself grace. You're not going to get it perfect the first time. If you snap at someone, apologize and restate the boundary. The goal isn't to be rigid — it's to be clear. And clarity is actually kind to everyone. Luna: Alright, I think we've given our listeners some concrete scripts to try. Next episode, we should tackle something I know a lot of you have asked about: how to handle a team member who is more experienced than you. Lucas: That's a great one — managing someone who knows more than you do. It's a whole different set of challenges. We'll see you then.