Latest / Andy Stanley Sermons / Andy Stanley - Guardrails Part 2 Proximity

Transcript

Andy Stanley - Guardrails Part 2 Proximity · Andy Stanley Sermons

0:01
Have you ever met someone that later you wish you've never met? Nervous laughter,
0:07
yes, and no elbows and don't lean over and look, Okay,
0:10
have you have you have you ever met someone that you wish you never met?
0:14
Or maybe that's too personal? How about this? Did you has your
0:17
wife or your husband ever met someone you wish they had never met that maybe
0:20
they wish they never met, or maybe they're a little bit too happy that
0:23
they met. I mean, have you you know I'm talking about, or
0:24
maybe have your kids ever met people that you wish they had never met?
0:29
And all of us have a story and the answers yes, And this is
0:31
such a strange dynamic. But we're going to talk about it for a few
0:34
minutes. It's folks we've met in this truth. It's folks we've met that
0:38
are connected to our greatest regret. I don't know what your greatest regret is,
0:41
but I bet you weren't alone, right, I don't know what your
0:44
greatest regrets are, but chances are you weren't alone, or if you were
0:47
alone, it was still connected to a relationship. And this is such a
0:50
strange thing because our greatest regrets involved people oftentimes and the people they involved.
0:56
They're not our enemies. They're not people that were hostile with I mean,
0:59
we're on our guard around people that you know they have hostility toward us,
1:03
but they're usually with our friends. Our greatest regrets are usually connected with people
1:08
we've met and we considered those people friends. That's something to think about.
1:15
Today. We're in part two of our series Guardrails, and in just a
1:18
minute, I'll tell you why we named the series Guardrails. In case you
1:21
weren't here last week, and if you weren't here last week, at the
1:23
very end of today's message, and I'm going to tell you how you can
1:25
see last week's message and this week's message again if you want to. For
1:29
some of you, you're gonna want your kids to watch today's message, but
1:30
I want you to not. I hope that you won't listen today through the
1:34
filter of Oh, I wish my cousin was here, I wish my daughter
1:38
was here, I'm glad my husband's here. I hope that you'll listen today
1:42
through the filter of whatever it is that you need to do, with what
1:44
you need, with what you hear, and if you're a Christian, that
1:47
you'll listen to the fil through the filter of maybe what God wants you to
1:49
do. Now, everybody knows what a guardrail is on the highway, but
1:53
a quick review of guardrail is a system. It's a system, a system,
1:57
a system designed to keep vehicles from straying into dangerous are off limit areas.
2:00
And we said last week, the guardrails do at least two things.
2:04
They direct us and they protect. This they direct and they protect. And
2:07
the other thing about a guardrail, and this becomes important as we talk about
2:10
how this applies to our lives, is that guardrails are never placed in the
2:15
danger zone. Guardrails never placed in the danger zone. Guardrails are actually placed
2:21
in the safety zone. And no one argues with us. No one argues
2:23
that, no, they need to give us those extra three feet to drive
2:27
in. Nobody argues with this idea. Nobody would argue that we need to
2:30
put the guardrail in the danger zone or even on the line. When it
2:32
comes to driving, we understand the idea of a margin for error. The
2:38
other thing about guardrail is that they are designed to minimize damage to your vehicle.
2:44
If you hit a guardrail, you will have to go to a repair
2:46
shop, but you may not have to go to the hospital if you hit
2:50
a guard if there weren't guardrails. Where there are guardrails, chances are what
2:53
would happen to you and to your vehicle would be much worse. The damage
2:57
done by hitting a guardrail is much less than the damage done to you and
3:00
your vehicle if there was no guardrail. But the reason that we name this
3:04
entire series guardrails is because the highway is not the only place we need guardrails.
3:09
We need some financial guardrails, we need some relational guardrails. You may
3:14
need some professional guardrails. And the truth is, your greatest regret, your
3:17
greatest regret, your greatest regret, may have been avoided if you had had
3:22
some financial guardrails, some moral guardrails, some relational guardrails, and again maybe
3:25
even some professional guardrails. Now, the pushback on all of this throughout our
3:30
series together is that we live in a world that doesn't value this idea.
3:35
We live in a world that essentially resist guardrails. That culture culture doesn't encourage
3:40
guardrails. In fact, as we've discovered and as you will discover, oftentimes
3:45
people in our culture are critical of us when we establish guardrails because personal guardrails
3:50
are like personal rules. And number one, I don't like rules, and
3:53
you don't like rules. So we don't like establishing rules for ourselves. But
3:57
oftentimes when we establish rules for our it's a little bit threatening to the people
4:01
around us. Culture doesn't like guardrails. Culture is content with painted lines,
4:08
just lines on the side of the road. But the interesting thing is this,
4:11
and we've all experienced this, or we've all maybe participated in this,
4:14
that even though culture doesn't celebrate guardrails, at the same time, culture will
4:19
shame us and blame us and mock us when we end up in a ditch
4:24
financially, or we end up in a ditch in our marriage, or we
4:26
end up in a ditch with one of our kids, or an important relationship
4:29
for professionally. They don't want us to have. You know, culture doesn't
4:31
celebrate guardrails, but at the same time, culture is quick to mock us
4:35
and shame us when we end up in a ditch in life. So this
4:39
is an incredibly important topic. It's a little bit complex. It doesn't fall
4:45
so much in the in the it doesn't fall so much in the category of
4:47
right or wrong as we're going to discover, and as we talked about last
4:50
week, it really falls more in the category of wisdom, and that makes
4:54
it a little tricky, and that makes it a little intangible, It makes
4:57
it a little soft and perhaps even a little mushy, that it's extraordinarily,
5:00
extraordinarily important. Today, specifically, I want to talk about your friends and
5:05
your associates and what it means to establish guardrails and the realms of our friends
5:10
and our associates. These are the people that you run with, These are
5:13
the people that you play with, These are the people that you work with,
5:16
the folks that are a part of your life on an ongoing basis.
5:20
And the reason we need guardrails relationally, and the reason we need guardrails even
5:25
with the people that we consider our friends is what we've already said. It's
5:29
the folks we've met that generally are part of our greatest regret. Now,
5:34
the pushback today a little bit, just to kind of jump ahead, is
5:36
that as I'm talking, you may be tempted to think, Gosh, you're
5:41
being so judgmental because we're talking about your friends. These are my friends,
5:45
these are the people I work with, They've been in my life a long
5:46
time, and it sounds like you're asking me to be judgmental. So I
5:49
want to talk about that right up front, because this is a big,
5:53
big deal. This is not about being judgmental. This talk today is about
5:58
exercising good judgment. And there's a big difference, and I want to explain
6:02
the difference real quick, and then we'll jump into this content. Being judgmental
6:06
is me half forming an opinion about you. Being judgmental is forming an opinion
6:12
about what you should do, what you should stop doing. Being judgmental is
6:15
setting myself up as a what starts with the jay a judge? Right?
6:20
Being judgmental is about I know it's trick questions and nobody wants to answer out
6:25
loud. That's the advantage of watching from a remote site. Right, So,
6:29
right, So, when if I'm judgmental, I've set myself up as
6:31
a judge and I'm judging your behavior. I judgmental is when I draw like
6:36
a critical or maybe a harsh conclusion about you, expecting you to act or
6:41
be different. But good judgment is different. Good judgment is about me.
6:46
Good judgment is about drawing conclusions about my life. Good judgment is in light
6:50
of my past experience, the things that are most tempting to me. Where
6:54
I've been in the past, what happened in that last relationship, that last
6:57
marriage, the way I grew up, in a lot of my past experience,
7:00
chience, and a lot of my current circumstances. I'm really mad,
7:02
current circumstances, just broke up, current circumstances, just started this new job,
7:08
and a lot of my current circumstances, and a lot of my future
7:11
hopes and dreams. What is the best thing, or what is the wisest
7:15
thing? Not for everybody else to do. I'm not judging you. What
7:17
you do is none of my business. What is the wise thing for me
7:20
to do? Judgmental assumes something about the other person. This is all about
7:27
you. This is how you should respond in light of your future hopes and
7:31
dreams. Now years ago, I coined this phrase, and I've only probably
7:36
used it out loud two or three times, so it's sort of an internal
7:40
thing, and I'm going to share it with you. And if you think
7:42
this is harsh, then please don't judge me. Okay, let's just say
7:45
that. Okay, But every once in a while, I find my you
7:48
know, I find myself drawn into our in relationship or doing business with or
7:53
a vendor or you know, somebody that there's just something I don't know.
7:57
And so the phrase I came up with for me and you can. And
8:00
again I don't generally say this out loud. I have a couple of times
8:03
my statement is this, I'm not emotionally mature enough to do business with you.
8:07
I'm not emotionally mature enough to be your friend. Sandra and I don't
8:11
feel like we're emotionally mature enough to be a part of that we In other
8:13
words, I'm not telling you how to live. I'm not telling you what
8:16
to believe. I'm not telling you what you you know where you should go
8:18
and I really have I'm not judging you. I'm just looking at me.
8:22
I'm just looking at us, and based on our past and where we are
8:26
and where we want to be, we're just not ready for now. A
8:28
couple of times, when you know, there's been situations people have kind of
8:31
pushed for a relationship or push and I have said, you know what,
8:35
here's the deal. I'm not blaming you, I'm not being critical of you.
8:39
It's on me. I'm not emotionally mature enough to be involved in this
8:45
anymore, so you can borrow that. The point is, this is not
8:48
about judging other people. This is about making wise decisions and light of the
8:52
fact. Come on, we've already acknowledged that your greatest regret involved people you
8:58
had met. Most of us can think of at least one person, some
9:01
of you half a dozen you wish you'd never met. Now, is that
9:05
being judgmental, No, that's hindsight that says I wish I had used better
9:11
judgment. Now, If that doesn't help, let me tackle it from a
9:16
let me go at it from a different angle. When you were a child,
9:18
when you were growing up, when you were middle school or high school,
9:22
your mom or dad, or your mom and dad, or your uncle
9:24
or your grandparents or whoever had responsibility for you, they were if they were
9:28
good grandparents, aunts, uncles, or parents. They were paranoid. Regarding
9:33
your friends, they were they paid such good attention to your friends. Right.
9:37
In fact, there were times when they say, you can't go over
9:39
there, you can't, she can't come over here. You know you can't.
9:41
You can't date her, you know they they would forbid you some of
9:46
your your mom's read your journals. Girls, If you ladies, if you
9:48
had journals, you know, they would sneak in there, read your journal.
9:50
You'd find out. You'd be so angry, you know, and you'd
9:52
put tape on the bottom of your door to see if anybody came in your
9:56
room, you know. And then your mom took the door off. I
9:58
know, that's kind of a thing, take the door off. We never
10:01
did that. That's kind of odd, but hey, you know, sometimes
10:03
you gotta do what you gotta do. Some of you, they were so
10:05
extreme and the situation was so extreme. Maybe they pulled you out of that
10:09
school and put you in a different school. Maybe they just packed up and
10:11
moved, just left the community, left the state. You know, we're
10:13
going to London. We got to get you out of this environment, you
10:18
know. And when you were on the receiving end of that, your response
10:22
was like, you know, most kids are going you're being so judgmental.
10:24
You used to being so judgmental, you're judging my friends. Well, now
10:28
many of you are parents, and you are paranoid er, okay. And
10:33
the reason you're paranoid er is because you remember who you remember you right,
10:39
you remember your friends, and you really look back In fact, when I
10:43
asked the question, have you ever met somebody you wish you'd never met?
10:46
Some of you went as far back as college, some of you went as
10:48
far back as high school. So what your mama knew and what you know
10:52
is that is that this is a thing. I mean, there's a relationship
10:56
between what happens when there's a thing that goes on in real relationships. That
11:00
can be super healthy or it can be super negative. Now, now that
11:05
you're a parent, you have some big advantages over your parents in most cases
11:09
because you can stalk your kids' friends. And by the in fact, it's
11:13
true. Come on, you know this is true. Right by the time
11:16
you meet your kids' friends, you already know everything about them. You know
11:20
where their dad works, where their mom works, the fact that there's the
11:24
divorce, who their sisters are, you know where their parents went to college.
11:26
I mean, you know all that stuff. Now. Is that being
11:28
judgmental? No, that's just being nosy. No, that's no. It's
11:33
because you care. It's because you care. It's not that you're trying to
11:39
tell other parents how to raise their kids or what tell other kids what to
11:41
do. It's because you care about the person that God has put in your
11:45
home, your son or your daughter. And when you kind of come down
11:48
on them hard, they say, what you know, we all said,
11:50
you're so judgmental, You're so judgmental, And as a parent, you're saying,
11:54
no, I'm just exercising good judgment. I'm exercising good judgment. And
11:58
the reason is because because you know, as I said, you know what
12:01
your mama knew, that our friends, that your kid's friends, that our
12:07
friends determine the direction and the quality of our lives. This is just true,
12:11
that our friends determine the direction and quality of our lives. Let me
12:15
say this way that the thing that makes friendship marvelous is also the thing that
12:20
makes it so hazardous and so dangerous. The thing about a great friendship or
12:24
a great group of associates is that you know, you have stuff in common.
12:28
It's easy, it's relaxing. But what happens when you're around people you
12:31
consider friends, and this is supposed to happen, is you drop your guard.
12:37
You let your guard down. And with certain groups of people that's safe,
12:41
but with other groups of people that's dangerous. But that is the nature.
12:46
That's not a good or bad thing. That's just the thing thing,
12:48
that's just the nature of relationships and the nature of friendships. So the thing
12:50
that makes you know relationships so powerful is the thing that makes them so hazardous.
12:56
You may not know this about yourself, but you are an acceptance magnet.
12:58
This is this is part of being human. You are drawn to environments
13:03
where you are accepted deeply. We all are. And if those are good
13:05
environments, great, If they're that's not great, but we're drawn there either
13:09
way. We are drawn toward places where we feel safe, where we feel
13:13
accepted. And you've seen this happen with other people. You maybe can remember
13:18
this from something in your past, but this is a continuous, ongoing dynamic,
13:22
which means when it comes to relationships, friendships, associates, we need
13:26
to be a little bit on our guard. We need guardrails. Now.
13:30
If your experience doesn't prove this to you, or that's not enough evidence,
13:35
my assistant Diane Grant sent me an article last week because you knew I was
13:37
talking about this, and it's an article written by a neuroscientist, more In
13:41
Serf who is a professor at Northwestern University and for years, for over ten
13:46
years, he has still been studying relationships and decision making and the relationship of
13:52
decision making on relationships. And here's what he has discovered That what we have
13:58
observed about people influence other people isn't just behavioral. It's actually neurological. That
14:03
something happens in your brain. In fact, in this study he determined or
14:09
they've discovered that our brain waves, that the brain waves of people when they
14:13
spend time together actually begin to look identical. That the brain waves before the
14:18
behavior, before the attitude change. There is something that happens on the inside
14:24
in our brains when we spend time with other people. Brain waves begin to
14:28
line up. Now that's kind of scary. That can encourage you or discourage
14:35
you. Here here's what he says. A couple of statements from the article.
14:39
He since the more we study engagement, we see time and time again
14:41
that just being next to certain people actually aligns your brain with them. So
14:48
look to your left, look to your right, Okay, that while we
14:50
sit here together, your brain waves are being aligned with him. In fact,
14:54
it just happened. It did. Let me tell you how it just
14:58
happened. Words came out of my mouth. If I vibrated the air in
15:01
the room, and you know, your brain took those vibrations and turned them
15:03
into words, and then you laughed with people you've never met with before.
15:07
It just happened. Your brain waig you just me making you laugh together kind
15:11
of lines you up. That's kind of scary. He says. This isn't
15:16
just behavioral, this is this is neurological. He goes on and he says,
15:18
this, this is pretty powerful. If people want to maximize happiness,
15:22
that's me, and minimize stress that's you. Don't we all want to maximize
15:28
happiness and minimize stress. Look at this conclusion, he draws, they should
15:31
build a life that requires fewer decisions, how by surrounding themselves with people who
15:35
embody the traits they prefer. That if you surround yourself with people who embody
15:43
that is, live out the traits you prefer. He says, without any
15:46
effort, without any decision on your part, your brain will begin to line
15:50
up with the people who are becoming the kind of person that you ultimately want
15:54
to be. I think about that last statement. He says this. He
15:58
says, over time, they'll naturally pick up on those desirable attitudes and behaviors.
16:03
But the flip side is true as well. Over time, you can
16:07
pick up on undesirable attitudes and behaviors with no effort, just being in proximity,
16:12
simply doing life with being with people who are moving in a particular direction.
16:18
Something happens in your brain and in my brain? Now, is that
16:22
judgmental? No, that's just true. This isn't about judgmental. This is
16:26
about exercising good judgment. If this happens automatically, what should you do?
16:33
If this happens automatically, how do I harness that? How should I respond?
16:37
This isn't about being judgmental. Come on, look, come here,
16:41
This is about your future. Your future will be impacted by the people you
16:45
spend light you're spend time with. Your future will be impacted by the people
16:49
you are in community with. Your future will be impacted by the people that
16:53
you do life with. Now. Interestingly enough, three thousand years ago,
16:59
before we were able to look at the brain, King Solomon Israel's third king.
17:03
You know, there was Saulovon David, and then his son Solomon became
17:07
king. Considered one of the wisest men who've ever lived. Some people say
17:08
the wisest man who will ever live. Three thousand years ago. He makes
17:12
a statement that punctuates what we have finally discovered three thousand years ago. Here's
17:18
what Solomon wrote. He said, walk with the wise, and you automatically,
17:22
with no effort, no intentionality. You don't have to write anything down,
17:26
you don't have to remember anything, you don't have to study for a
17:30
test. Walk with the wise, and you will, over time become wise.
17:34
It's just gonna happen automatically. Now, what is wisdom we've talked about
17:38
this. Wisdom is somebody who understands that life is connected, that the dots
17:41
connect, that my past connects to my present, which is going to be
17:45
some sort of predictor of my future. That's what wisdom is. And he
17:48
says, if you spend time with wise people, over time, you will
17:52
become wise. That wisdom is contagious. Imagine that it just rubs off.
17:57
Do life with the wise, and you will be wise. And then there's
18:00
a second part of this four or the way I memorized this a long long
18:04
time ago, the word was but because it's a contrast, he says,
18:08
but or for a companion of fools ultimately suffers harm. Now we don't use
18:15
the word fool, because you know, you don't want to call someone a
18:18
fool. But in the Jewish Bible and the Jewish scriptures, a fool was
18:22
a person who did not live carefully. A fool was somebody who did not
18:25
understand about how the past connects to the present. That's a predictor of the
18:29
future. A fool is somebody that just lives for the day. A fool
18:32
is for somebody, for the person that's like, well, tomorrow is tomorrow,
18:34
and when I get to tomorrow, I'll deal with tomorrow. A fool
18:37
is someone who, as Paul said last week when we started this series,
18:41
is not careful. Remember the Apostle, Paul says, walk carefully, or
18:45
live carefully, or be careful where you step. Essentially, he said,
18:48
a fool is someone who's just not careful. But the interesting thing about what
18:53
Solomon said is what he doesn't say. Let me read it to you again.
18:59
Walk with the wise become wise. Okay, if I hang out with
19:00
wise people, I become wise. You would expect them to say, hang
19:03
out with fools and you'll become a fool. But he doesn't say that.
19:07
What Solomon says is that it's worse than that. Because if you spend time
19:12
with, surround yourself with do life with fools over time, you're not simply
19:17
gonna become a fool. You're going to suffer harm. That is, when
19:21
their life goes bad. It's a proximity thing. The closer you are to
19:26
them, the greater the odds that something bad happens to you. As they
19:30
go. You go to which we say, yeah, but I don't do
19:33
what they do to which more in SERF the neuroscientists would say yeah, but
19:38
stick around them long enough, and you probably will because your brain waves are
19:42
gonna line up. So Solomon says, it's worse than becoming a fool,
19:45
you're actually going to catch the shrapnel from their bad decisions. Again, every
19:51
parent, you get this because you don't want your kids with certain kids,
19:55
not because they're necessarily going to do what certain kids do, but because you're
19:56
afraid when the certain kids do that, your kids will be harm armed by
20:00
their decisions. We get this. That's not judgmental. This is about good
20:06
judgment. In other words, friends, This is what Solomon is saying.
20:08
Friends who aren't careful with their lives won't be careful with your life, right,
20:14
Friends who aren't careful with their health, they're not gonna be concerned about
20:18
your health. Friends who aren't careful with their marriages, they're not gonna be
20:23
careful and try to guard your marriage. Friends who aren't careful with their finances,
20:29
they're not going to try to guard and be careful with your finances.
20:33
Friends who aren't all that concerned about their reputation, they're not gonna be all
20:37
that concerned about your reputation. Friends who don't have any kind of faith or
20:41
don't have any concerns about faith, aren't going to be very concerned about your
20:45
faith. And friends who don't seem to care about the future, the last
20:49
thing they're going to worry about is your future. This is good judgment.
20:56
This is a big deal. And this isn't a middle school and high school.
21:00
This is about all of us. Friends who don't take care of themselves
21:07
won't take care of yourself. Friends who lie in cheat You know this.
21:14
Friends who lie in cheat. They feel better when you what lie and cheat.
21:18
So again, Friendship can be awesome, but friendship can be treacherous.
21:22
Friendship requires some guardrails. Now, just the reminder the point of a guardrail
21:30
isn't to keep you from just doing bad things. The point of a guardrail
21:34
is to light up your conscience so that you know you're getting close to doing
21:40
bad things. So the way I said it here, the point of a
21:41
guardrail is a light up your conscience before we veer into the dangers. And
21:45
remember, a guardrail isn't in the danger zone, and a guardrail isn't right
21:49
on the line. The guardrail is inside the safety zone. And again this
21:53
is why we resist. But for the next few minutes, as we close
21:57
out this episode of this series, I want to make five suggestions as it
22:02
relates to guardrails, as it relates to your friendships and your associates. Now
22:06
I know this, in some cases, you don't have total control over who
22:10
you spend a lot of time with. I get that we're going to talk
22:11
about that in just a minute. But I want to encourage you. If
22:15
I could get on my knees and plead with you, and I thought it
22:18
would do good, I want to encourage you to consider these And again,
22:21
I don't want you to listen to what I'm about to say through the filter
22:23
of your kids or your grandkids. Yeah, I mean, it's going to
22:26
be hard not to do that, or some friends that you have that you
22:29
wish we're here, you wish we're watching. I just want this to settle
22:33
in over us as we consider our future, because your friends and your associates
22:38
impact the direction of your life. So here's five suggestions. Again, these
22:42
aren't rules. You don't need to write these down. You may want to
22:45
go back and listen to this or look at these later, but five suggestions
22:49
just to get you thinking about guardrails as it relates the folks you've met,
22:53
so that they won't become the next regret. Here's the first one. When
22:57
it dawns on you that you're this group isn't moving in the direction you want
23:02
your life to be moving, that should light up your conscience when it dawns
23:04
on you. You know what, we love the same music, we love,
23:07
the same food, we love the same artists. You know we you
23:10
know, we have so much in common. But when I look at the
23:12
direction this group is moving in, it's not really the direction I want my
23:15
life to move in. That's a warning. That's a guardrail. That's not
23:19
a good or a bad thing. That's a wisdom thing. And you got
23:22
to pay attention to that because relationships are not static. Relationships are either growing
23:30
or decaying. They're getting better or they're getting worse. And when you're surrounded
23:33
by a group of people that you have a lot in common with, of
23:36
course you drop your guard. That's what we do around friends. But when
23:38
it dawns on you, you know what, They're just not moving in the
23:42
direction I want my life to move in. That should tip you off that
23:45
perhaps I need to rethink this group of friends or this group of associates.
23:51
Where people are heading is a good indicator of where they're leading. And none
23:56
of us think about our group of friends as leading us anywhere. But here's
23:59
what you know in hindsight. Your friends ultimately lead you, just like you
24:04
are ultimately leading other people through a group of friends. This is just the
24:07
nature of relationship. So when it dawns on you your core group isn't moving
24:11
in the direction you want your life to be moving. That should light up
24:14
your conscience. Here's a second one. When you catch yourself, when you
24:18
catch yourself pretending to be someone other than who you really are, that should
24:22
light up your conscience. When you catch you, in other words, when
24:25
you catch yourself nodding and you're thinking I don't believe this, but my head's
24:30
doing this. What's going on? Or you find yourself going like this and
24:33
you're thinking, no, I actually agree, but everybody else's head's doing this.
24:37
I think neurologically, I think all of a sudden, our brains are
24:40
all connected, we're all doing this, and I should be doing what's going
24:41
on. When you feel the pressure to pretend to be somebody other than who
24:45
you truly are, that's a red flag that should light up your conscience,
24:48
that should make you rethink or reconsider the nature of this relationship, because,
24:53
as you know, your views and values hopefully are being shaped around things that
24:57
are going to serve you well in the future. But when you find yourself
25:00
agreeing on the outside with things you disagree on the inside, hey, that's
25:07
a red flag that should again, that should light up your conscience. Don't
25:11
don't settle for friends who force you to pretend to be somebody you're not because
25:15
here's why. Because you are lying to them, which means you're not a
25:19
good friend. And if you lie to yourself long enough, you will become
25:25
someone other than yourself. This happens all the time, and pretending is lying
25:32
and pretending is never healthy. So if you're again surrounded with friends and you
25:37
find yourself pretending to be somebody other than you're not, you just need to
25:40
pay attention to that. Do you need to do something immediately, I don't
25:42
know, but you need to pay attention to that. Third one is this
25:48
when you feel pressure to compromise, not once you've compromised. That's you know,
25:52
we've gone past the guardrail into the ditch, right, not when you've
25:56
actually compromised. But let me put it this way, when something that before
26:00
wasn't a real temptation, but suddenly it's become a live option, that should
26:06
light up your conscience. When something that's never been a real temptation before becomes
26:10
a live option. You've always just said no, thank you, No,
26:11
I'm going to go. I'll go on home. Now, you guys go,
26:14
or you ladies you go. I'm just and you find yourself driving home
26:17
thinking, you know what, I think. I think I'll go all right?
26:19
No, no, I shouldn't. When what has never been a temptation,
26:22
never been an issue, never been a problem before, when it becomes
26:26
on the inside, when it becomes right here, a live option, a
26:30
real consideration, Maybe I should maybe I should rethink that there's probably nothing wrong
26:33
with that. You know, they're always inviting me. That should just light
26:37
up your conscience. Now, what should you do with that? I don't
26:38
know. That's up to you. But it should bother you. It should
26:41
bother you. It should bother you again, not when you've crossed that line,
26:47
when suddenly you find yourself imagining what it would be like if you had
26:52
the next one? Number four? Is this when you catch yourself thinking,
26:53
I'll go, but I won't participate. Now let me yeah, you laugh,
26:59
I'll just go. I't to participate. Let me just ask you a
27:00
question, because it'll bring instant clarity to this. Would you buy this from
27:06
your fourteen year old daughter? No, it's twelve guys but me, I'm
27:11
me and my girlfriend are gonna go, and but that they're gonna be doing
27:15
bad things, but I'm not gonna participate. Well, honey, you just
27:17
go right ahead. That'll be fine. No, you give your daughter two
27:19
options. Either you stay home or I go with you. You choose,
27:22
Okay, you have two options. I'm not saying no, I'm just saying
27:25
there's gonna be three guys there. You're looking at the third one, right,
27:29
so what we wouldn't buy this from our kids, our younger brother or
27:33
sister, Our nieces and our nephews are our granddaughters or grandsons. Why would
27:37
we buy it from ourselves? When you start that conversation, I'm not saying
27:41
you shouldn't go. I'm just saying, when this conversation starts in my head
27:45
or your head, it should bother us. It should ding our conscience.
27:48
We just bumped up against a guardrail, very little damage done. But pay
27:55
attention to the conversation you're having in your heart when you catch yourself thinking I'll
27:59
go, but I won't participate. The last one is this is when you
28:03
hope. When you hope, the people you care about don't know your whereabouts.
28:11
When you hope the people you care about don't know your whereabouts. And
28:17
even once you get to where about your going. Even if you do nothing
28:22
wrong, even if you don't break any laws, even if you're not in
28:25
any way unfaithful or do anything to embarrass yourself or your family, the fact
28:30
that in your heart and in your mind you have begun. Don't miss this.
28:34
You have begun. This is the nucleus of a lie. You have
28:40
it lied yet, But if you think you would be tempted to lie so
28:45
they don't know where you are or who you are with, that should bother
28:48
bother, bother bother bother you. Not because you've done anything wrong, but
28:53
because you have established a guardrail. If you wouldn't want to have to tell
28:59
them, if you hope they never find out, that should bother you.
29:04
Come on, come on over, Dylls. That should be enough. That
29:07
should tip you off. Okay. If I don't want the people that I
29:11
care about to know where I am, to know my whereabouts, then I
29:15
have no business going now Again, in culture, it's like, oh,
29:18
come on, you know, it's just this. It's just that they won't
29:22
know, and if they find out, just tell them. I mean really,
29:23
you feel like you got to tell her, You gotta tell them,
29:26
and you're like, well no on the inside, yeah, but that I
29:30
know you're right? Who am I? There we go now. If I
29:33
get this, if this sounds kind of over the top and narrow and so
29:37
judgmental, or maybe oh this is good for kids but not for me,
29:40
I get that. But here's why I'm adamant. Here's why I'm sure,
29:45
Here's why again, if I could get on my knees and beg you to
29:47
do this, and you do it. Here's why I feel so strong about
29:49
this. Partly because of what I do and the stories I hear, partly
29:53
because of the world we live in, partly because I know myself, and
29:57
partly because tomorrow more hundreds of people in this community, thousands of people in
30:03
our city, maybe tens of thousands of people in our state, and hundreds
30:07
of thousands of people all over our country are gonna wake up tomorrow morning,
30:11
stumble in the bathroom, look in the mirror and wonder. They're gonna wake
30:15
up and look at who they woke up with, and they wonder. They're
30:19
gonna see in the mirror a person that they didn't think they would ever see
30:22
in the mirror, and they're gonna wonder, and they're gonna wonder, how
30:27
did this happen? How did this happen? How did this happen to me?
30:33
How did I get here? Whose life is this? And the answer
30:38
to all of their questions is the same answer. Our friends still determine the
30:45
direction and the quality of our lives. It's why you need guardrails, It's
30:51
why I need guardrails. It's why we need some internal rules that light up
30:56
our conscience, not when we get into the danger zone, but long before
31:00
we get there. Now, Jesus said something so significant, but we missed
31:07
this. This is one of those little subtle Jesus sayings. It's not a
31:10
popular one, not a famous one, but it should be. When Jesus
31:12
was on the earth and when Jesus taught, there was a group of people
31:15
that always had a counterpoint for every one of his points. No matter what
31:18
Jesus said, they had an argument against it. And so one day Jesus
31:22
throws up his hand or I don't know if he threw up his hands,
31:25
or he smirked, or he laughed or he smiled. I don't know what
31:26
his body language was. But finally, one day he had just sort of
31:30
gotten to the end of all this and he makes this statement that's so powerful,
31:33
but it sort of flies under the radar because of the context in which
31:37
he said it, and again because we don't talk about it very much.
31:41
Here's his response to the people that just were not going to let him win
31:45
the argument. No matter what he says, they were not going to let
31:48
him win. So finally, one day he says, this wisdom I love.
31:51
This wisdom has proved right by all her children. In other words,
31:56
time will tell wisdom always has the last at that wisdom always has the last
32:06
word. But because wisdom is not an absolute, there is always a counter
32:10
argument to be made. In other words, these five suggestions I've given you,
32:15
I guarantee you you are smart enough to go home or get in the
32:17
car with your friends or your family, or to sit down with me and
32:21
give me a counterpoint for all of those things. Why that's the most ridiculous
32:23
thing in the world. Why that's silly. Andy, You shouldn't tell people
32:25
like that. You shouldn't plant those kinds of seeds. You're so judgmental.
32:29
You're making everybody be afraid. I mean, and you could win the argument.
32:34
Because wisdom is not an absolute, Wisdom plays in the gray space.
32:37
Wisdom plays just inside the borderline, oftentimes from relational, financial, and personal
32:45
disaster. Put it this way, wisdom will allow you to win the argument,
32:52
but ultimately you'll lose in life. That was Jesus's point. The wisdom
32:57
is proof right, not in the courtroom, not in the debate. Wisdom
33:01
is proved right by the outcome and establishing personal guardrails. As it relates to
33:08
friends and associates establishing personal guardrails, It's not a lack of concern for other
33:14
people. It's not a lack of love for other people. This isn't even
33:16
about other people. It's about your future hopes and dreams, your future marriage,
33:22
your future relationship with your kids, your future finances. It's about being
33:27
in a position to help those friends that you may have had to distance yourself
33:30
from once they begin to reap what they have sown. It's not a lack
33:36
of love. In fact, it's an expression of love because by remaining in
33:40
the safe zone, you are better positioned to help other people, and to
33:45
help some of those very same friends. Once they cross those lines and life
33:49
becomes to come back. Life begins to come back, and life comes back
33:52
and begins to haunt them when the results of their decisions to begin to come
33:58
back and show themselves in their life, their relationships, their finances, and
34:01
their families. Wisdom, Jesus was right. Wisdom is proved right by all
34:07
her children. Walk with the wise and become wise. As Paul said,
34:12
be careful how you live, not as unwise, but as wise, making
34:15
the most of the day, for the days are evil. So I know
34:21
I want to encourage you think about what we've talked about to establish some personal
34:24
guardrails as it relates to friends and family members. One of the reasons that
34:29
we're so adamant about community groups and small groups is you have no control over
34:34
most times who you most of the time, who you work with. I
34:36
realize that many of you spend your most productive hours with people who don't necessarily
34:40
share your values, but because you spend so much time with that group,
34:44
over time they become your group. And when you get in a small group,
34:47
it's an opportunity to create, in some ways, a counter group,
34:52
a group that is moving in the direction your life is moving in. And
34:54
we don't want you to miss that opportunity. So here's the bottle line today,
35:00
establish some guardrails. You'll be glad you did, or you wish you
35:07
had, and unfortunately I know some of you already wish you had. And
35:14
we'll pick the discussion up right there next week.