Latest / Back Porch Confessions / They Should Know Syndrome
Transcript
- Gravesb41: Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. One honest conversation at a time. Back Porch Confessions: If dry mouth has you constantly reaching for water, listen up because I found something you need to know about, and that is the Rayo Oral Pouch Solutions. They're discreet, easy to use, and designed to help keep your mouth feeling comfortably hydrated without constantly sipping water or grabbing for that piece of candy that hoping it'll help. Just tuck a little pouch in the pocket of your jaw and go about your day. There's no mess, no fuss, it's discreet. Just a simple option for dry mouth relief when you need it. So if dry mouth is driving you crazy, check out the OPS Rio Pouches at Oral Pouch Solutions dot com. Your mouth might just be thanking you for it. Moisture where you need it. OPS Rio, Dry Mouth Pouches, wherever life takes you. Gravesb41: Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: Hey you all. I know it's been a minute, and I do want to apologize for not having these things posted as I should. And as I have promised you that I would. As most of you know, I did have a break from my relationship with my husband for a while. I did leave. I did try to do some healing. I've come back home trying to reconcile the relationship and the marriage and Sometimes things just get heavy and life gets heavy and I sometimes just have to take a pause and I've done that a few times recently because I'm trying to battle myself in on all of this as well as maintaining everything that I'm used to doing. So I just ask that you give me grace. I am sorry. I'm trying to do the thing. If you listen to this podcast on a normal basis and you haven't listened to the current podcast that I'm doing now where it's called Back Porch the Interviews. please go check that out too. we will have a second part to that will that will go much deeper. so welcome back to the back porch y'all. I appreciate it. Pull up a chair, get your coffee, get your tea, you know, whatever it is that you need because today we need to talk because I've discovered that some of us have a condition. Alexa, volume down one. She gets loud sometimes, y'all. Now, before somebody starts Googling symptoms, excuse me already. Come on. Maggie needs to join the crowd. before somebody starts Googling any symptoms, I I don't Don't I don't want you to think this is actual like an actual syndrome syndrome. So because I made the name up. But the behavior, honey, that is real. I'll call it. They should know syndrome. That's what I'm calling it. They should know syndrome. And the primary symptom, symptom, blah blah blah, sounds something like this. They should know, right? I shouldn't have to tell them. They've known me long enough. if they really loved me, they would know. I've told them before. They should know that bothers me. They should know I need help. They should know why I'm upset. They should know what I meant. They should know what I need. They should know what they did. And my personal favorite. My personal favorite. We won't say why. I'm not explaining it again. And anybody feeling personally attacked yet? Because wait, there's another symptom. Some of us also possess something I like to call, and I talked about it on my live today on TikTok, the internal spreadsheet. yes. Some of y'all know exactly what I'm talking about. You have documentation. Dates, times, locations, witnesses, supporting evidence, historical context, and possibly even exhibits A through Q, right? You may not remember where you put your phone five minutes ago, but somebody says, I don't remember ever doing that. And suddenly your brain says, really? And immediately opens the archives, right? Now she went down. And here comes Your memory right? Actually, it was October of nineteen seventy seven. No. Let's not go back that far. Because not all of you all are like Gen Xers. Some of you are newer. So let's go 1997. October of 1997. We were standing beside the refrigerator. You were wearing a blue shirt. Your mother bought you. Everybody else, everybody that loves Raymond rather, is playing in the background. And you said, word for word. Meanwhile, this person is staring at you like. What in the FBI is happening right now? Well, welcome to the back porch. Today we're going there. Mm-hmm. Because underneath the humor is something important. Why do we keep these records? Why do we expect people to know what we need without telling them? Why does asking sometimes feel like it makes the gesture meaningless, I guess? Why do we remember certain offenses for decades? Why can someone do fifty wonderful things and our brain keeps returning to the three things that hurt us? And here's an even bigger question. As we're remembering, right, or keeping score, because those are not always the same thing, today we're going to talk about all of it. Unspoken expectations, communication, disappointment, resentment. Maybe even some emotional labor, relationship scorekeeping, childhood conditions, people pleasing, boundaries, forgiveness, trust, and then eventually how we close some of those damn spreadsheets. Not because what happened didn't matter, but because maybe. We don't need to keep reopening the file every time somebody pisses us off. So get comfortable, put on your blanket, snuggle up, because we've got some shiz to figure out today. Right? They should know. Well maybe where the unspoken expectations really begin. That's where I want to start. So let's start with four words. They should know that. Think about somebody close to you. Say your spouse or your partner, your mother, father, sibling, adult child, best friend, even a coworker. Whoever immediately came to mind. Now think about something you've been frustrated with them about. Maybe you've thought they should know I need help. They should know that hurts my feelings. They should know I don't like that. They should know I want them to call. They should know birthdays matter to me. They should know I don't want advice right now. They should know I need affection. They should know I need space. They should know I'm overwhelmed. Well, here's my question. Do they actually know? No, not I don't know. Should they know? Should you know? Haven't you hinted enough? Didn't you make a face? Didn't you sigh dramatically while loading the dishwasher? I mean, have the words actually left your mouth? Because there's a difference between I need you to know, and I expect you to know. And that's where I'm starting. That's where we're starting this journey today. You know, there's this romantic myth of mind reading. Yeah. Somewhere along the way, many of us learned a strange definition of love. We learned if someone really loves you, they'll know. They'll anticipate you. They'll notice. They'll remember. They'll sense something is wrong. They'll know what gift you want. They'll know where you need help. They'll know when you need affection. They'll know when you need space. They'll know what you're thinking. Basically, we don't want a partner. Apparently, we want a psychic. And God bless They're out there trying, but here's the problem. Love does not automatically give another human being access to your internal dialogue. I'm gonna say that again. Love does not automatically give another human being access to your internal dialogue. Love does not automatically give another person access to your internal. Somebody can love you deeply and misunderstand you. Somebody can adore you and miss accuse. Somebody can know you for thirty years and still not know what you need in one particular moment. Because what? You change. Your circumstances change. Your tolerance changes. Right? Your body changes. Your priorities change. Your emotional capacity changes. And yet, Sometimes we're expecting people to operate from an instruction manual we haven't updated since two thousand and four. Think about it. Let me ask y'all something. Have you ever gotten angry because somebody didn't know something or didn't do something? But here's the thing, you had never actually ever asked them to do it. Come on, tell them tell me the truth. Tell yourself the truth. Have you ever gotten angry because somebody didn't do something or didn't automatically know? And that you never actually ever asked them to do it. Well, tell the truth, I have. Most of us probably have. Maybe you came home exhausted. You saw dishes, laundry, something needing fixing, kids needing something, dogs needing something. Evidently mine is busy pacing around the floor and driving me nuts at the moment. Everybody needing something. And your partner is just sitting there. And immediately you're thinking, are you serious? And you you you enrage. Well, did you ask for help? No. Why? Because I shouldn't have to ask. And there it is. That's the syndrome. If I have to ask, it doesn't count. No man. She's trying to bully me, y'all. She's trying to bully me. I'd put her in her place. Come on. You want up here? Come on. I am not going to give you no treats or nothing else. I'm sorry. Intermission always for the dogs. I'm glad you guys give me grace for that. So here's the thing. If I have to ask, it doesn't count. That's what a lot of us think and feel. I mean, you could sit right there and try to tell me no. You could sit there on the other side of this camera and shake your head no. But you know. You know as good as well as I do, you do it. And this one goes deep. If I have to ask for flowers, they don't count. If I have to ask you to plan something, it doesn't count. If I have to tell you I'm overwhelmed, then helping me now doesn't mean much. If I have to tell you I need reassurance, then it's not genuine. Why? Because what we really wanted wasn't just the action. We wanted the recognition. And that's different. Sometimes when you say I shouldn't have to ask, what you're really saying is, I want somebody to notice me. I want somebody to see how much I'm carrying. I want somebody to recognize that I'm struggling. I want somebody to think about me without being prompted. I want somebody to consider my needs. I want to feel important enough to be remembered. Mmm, ooh. Now we're getting somewhere. Because sometimes this isn't about dishes. It's not about flowers. It's not about that phone call. It's not about taking the trash out. It's about what that action represents. Do you see me? Do I matter to you? Do you think about me? Am I important enough for you to notice? And that is a completely different conversation. Why is it we're so afraid to ask? Why? Why asking can actually feel so vulnerable? For some people, asking for something feels incredibly uncomfortable, especially if you are a people pleaser. And you probably don't even realize it. Especially if you're highly independent. Especially for people who learned early, don't be needy. Do not bother anybody. Handle it yourself. Stop crying. You're fine. Be grateful. Don't ask for too much. Maybe, maybe just maybe every time you needed something growing up, somebody made you feel like a burden. Maybe asking led to rejection. Maybe asking led to disappointment. Maybe asking resulted in. What do you want now? So you ask something and your parental responses is what do you want? Like what do you want now? Maybe your needs were inconvenient. So you learned, don't ask. But here's the contradiction to that. You still have needs, right? So instead of asking, you just hope somebody notices. And when they don't notice, that old wound, it whispers. See, nobody cares. Now you tell me that that's that's powerful or not. Because that's exactly what happens. That is exactly what happens. Because now your partner didn't just forget to ask how your day went. Your nervous system has now connected today's disappointment to years of feeling unseen. Right? And then suddenly the emotional response is much bigger than today's event. Those moments that just Flow up out of nowhere, and you don't even really understand why. That's why. Think about this. When someone doesn't anticipate your needs, what meaning do you attach to it? Do you think they don't care? I'm not important. I'm always the one giving. Nobody thinks about me. I can't depend on anyone. I'm alone. Because sometimes the pain isn't only in what happened. Sometimes the pain comes from the story we attach to what happened. Right? Assumptions are silent contracts. Here's something I want you to remember. Sometimes we create contracts with people that they never signed. We decide. If we're best friends, you should call me. If we're married, you should know our anniversary matters. If you're my child, You should come home for the holidays. If you love me, you should defend me. If you're my sibling, you should check on me. If you're my partner, you should notice I'm overwhelmed. Right? Now, some expectations are absolutely reasonable. I'm not negating those things. Relationships do, capital D O, come with responsibilities. This isn't about pretending people owe us nothing. That's nonsense. But expectations become dangerous when they're unspoken. assumed and then use this evidence against somebody. Right? Because the other person doesn't even know they're taking a test. And you're sitting there grading it. So I have a question or two. Did they notice? I don't have a question order to. But these are things that you're necessarily well, these are things that you're probably going to write down in your little spreadsheet while you're grading the test that they don't know that they're taking. Right? So there's gonna be questions like, did they notice I was upset? Fail. Did they remember what I said six months ago? No. Fail. Question three, did they spontaneously choose exactly what I wanted them to choose? No, another fail. The final grade, you don't love me. Meanwhile, they're somewhere eating Doritos thinking everything's fine. They literally have no clue that you are doing a mental test and grading them. And they are failing. And all they're doing is standing there eating Doritos thinking. The world's fine. So there's a difference between a need and a test. Would you agree? There's a difference between a need and a test, right? This is important. A need says, I need reassurance today. A test says, if you loved me, you'd know I need reassurance. A need says, could you help me with dinner tonight? A test says, I'm going to wait and see whether you test whether you notice. My brain is all over the place, y'all. So I'm going to wait and see whether you notice. Anid says, My birthday matters to me. I'd really love for you to plan something. Instead, most of us will do a test. I'm not saying anything, 'cause I want to see what you do. A need creates an opportunity for connection. A need creates an opportunity for connection, something we most always starve for. A test creates an opportunity for what? Failure. Catastrophic failure. A test is only going to create an opportunity for the things to failure. To be in failure, the relationship to fail, all the failures. A need creates an opportunity for connection. Remember that. Test only creates failure. And sometimes we're testing people without realizing we're doing it. Now that I've mentioned this and now that I've talked about it. Have you noticed a few times in your brain where you're going, Mhm, that's exactly what I did. It's what I did in that moment. my God. So ask yourself, what do I regularly expect people to just know? Why do I believe they should know it? Have I actually committed it? Do I give hints instead of making request? Do I become resentful when people miss my hints? Does asking make me feel needy? Does asking make me feel vulnerable? Do I believe love is less meaningful when I have to request something? What did asking for help look like in my childhood? Were my needs welcomed? Were my emotions acknowledged? Was I expected to anticipate everybody else's needs? Did I become hyperaware of other people's moods? And because I learned to read everybody else, do I now expect everybody else to read me? That's another one. There's one. Sit with that because some of us became incredibly good at anticipating people. We knew mom's mood from the way she shut a cabinet. We knew Dad was angry from the sound of his footsteps. We knew when somebody needed space, right? We knew when somebody needed comforting. We knew how to keep the peace. We learned to read a room before we learned algebra. So now as adults we think I can tell you what you need. Why can't you tell what I need? Maybe your ability to anticipate everybody wasn't simply emotional intelligence. Maybe sometimes it was survival. And the people around you may not have learned that same skill. That's something to think about. they should know. Have I told them? And if I have told them repeatedly, then that's another conversation, right? Because there is a difference between someone who doesn't know and someone who knows and repeatedly disregards you. Right? We're not using communication as an excuse for chronic disrespect. No, it's not what I'm saying. We're learning to distinguish un communicated expectations from communicated boundaries. Those are very different things. And we're going to go deeper into that now. But we do still need to talk about that spreadsheet. yeah, go ahead. Open up your Excel. Open up that spreadsheet. Because everybody who has receipts dating back to the Carter administration You're gonna need to hear this. This is the space where it becomes, I have forgiven you, but apparently I still have the documentation. I I do it. I have some of that. Mm-hmm. So let's let's discuss the spreadsheet a little bit. You know the one. I know you know the one. Some people keep memories. Some people keep journals. You know, I'm a fan of journals. Some people keep photographs. Some of those. And some of us apparently operate an emotional accounting department. We have columns with dates, offense, level of audacity, apology received or not, apology quality, likelihood of reoffense. And has this been brought up in an argument since? And here's the special column that a lot of you will have. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. The I'm fine syndrome, which historically has never meant anybody was fine. I mean, who are we kidding? Has it ever been anybody was fine? Mm-mm. So why do we keep score? Why? Let's get serious on that. Scorekeeping usually doesn't begin because somebody is petty. Right? It often begins because something something feels unequal. One person feels I'm giving more, I'm apologizing more, I'm initiating more, I'm sacrificing more, I'm carrying more, I'm forgiving more, I'm remembering more, I'm checking in on you more, I'm doing more of the emotional work in all of this. And eventually what happens is is the brain starts documenting the imbalance. Not necessary consciously though, but emotionally. And you start noticing every example that supports I'm carrying this relationship. And once resentment gets involved, the spreadsheet gets very detailed. I mean, meticulously. The emotional bank account that goes with that. Think about relationships like an emotional bank account, okay? Every loving interaction. Interaction. How did I just say that? Every loving interaction is a deposit, right? Every thoughtful gesture, every moment of affection. Right? Every time somebody listens, every time they show up, every apology, every laugh, every hug, every I got you deposit, deposit, deposit. But hurtful experiences, withdrawal, criticism, broken promises, dismissal, neglect, betrayal, disrespect, even taken for granted, withdrawals, Healthy relationships aren't relationships with zero withdrawals. That's impossible. It's humanly impossible. Healthy relationships are relationships where there are enough deposits and enough repair that the account doesn't stay emotionally overdrawn. Does that make sense? Some people have been operating at a negative 37.42%. emotionally since two thousand and six. And every new offense gets hit with overdraft fees. That's why somebody forgetting milk can turn into you never think about anybody but yourself. Wait, we're talking about milk. But were we? Probably not. The milk was merely the newest transaction, right? The argument is about the account balance. So what happens when today's arguments contains 15 years of evidence? Have you ever had an argument where suddenly you realized we're not arguing about today anymore? I asked this in my live today. Somebody says, I forgot. And you say, you always forget. Then remember when we went to Myrtle Beach in 2012? Man. We had traveled through time, right? But that's what resentment does. Today's event becomes evidence supporting an old conclusion. They don't listen. They don't care. They're selfish. I'm alone. I can't depend on them. Alexa, volume down one. So your brain starts pulling supporting documentation. Remember exhibit A, Exhibit B, remember Christmas of 2015? Remember your mother's birthday? Remember when the kids were little? Remember that vacation? And then other people says well the other person rather says I thought we were already, you know, I I thought we kind of had already worked through that. And you say we did. Well did we? Because apparently the case remains open. Because you are bringing it back up. So here we are with this whole memory then. Memory versus weaponizing the memory. Do what? Me weaponize the memory? Well, let's make an important distinction here. Remembering something isn't wrong in and of itself. Trauma doesn't disappear because somebody apologized. Betrayal doesn't vanish because a conversation happened, right? Trust can take time to rebuild. You are allowed to remember. The question is. What are you doing with the memory? Are you using it to understand a pattern? Or are you using it to win? Are you saying this current behavior reminds me of something we've never resolved? Or you did this in 1998. Therefore, you lose today's argument. Have you ever been there? Those aren't the same. Can you see that? One seeks resolution while the other seeks what? Like a verdict, right? It's seeking a verdict. You're seeking a verdict. You're weaponizing it. So what happens when you get in a position where your relationship becomes more like a courtroom? You know? Sometimes couples stop communicating and they start litigating. I've been there recently. One becomes the prosecutor and one becomes the defense counsel, right? I don't know why I keep saying right. I'll try to stop that. Every conversation becomes who was right, who started it, who did worse. Who apologized last time? Who hurt whom more? Who has suffered more? Who works harder? Who sacrifices more? Who initiates intimacy more? Who calls more? Who spends more? Who does more chores? And nobody is asking how do we fix this? Right? Here I go again. Because we're too busy asking who's guilty. That's the danger of chronic scorekeeping. The relationship stops being us versus the problem. It becomes me versus you. The relationship needs to stay in us versus the problem. Because when you let it slip in the me versus you. Unless you get some counseling and and two people that are willing to open up you may as well go on to the divorce attorney. Think about your closest relationships. When conflict happens, are you trying to understand or are you building a case? These dogs. That's an uncomfortable thing, right? When you hear me ask that, it's kind of it kind of makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn't it? Are you trying to understand or are you building a case? Because sometimes we're not listening to understand what the person is actually saying. We're listening for inaccuracies of what they're saying. They're talking. And internally you're going. Nope, incorrect. It's not what happened. False. Mm-hmm. I have documentation to go against that. Continue on. We're preparing that rebuttal instead of hearing the hurt. We're trying to figure out a path that we don't become the guilty one. We don't become the one that's the problem. Some people Have incredible memory for Hurt. So when we talk about that, sometimes people joke, women remember everything. But sometimes remembering hurt has nothing to do with gender. Sometimes the brain remembers experiences associated with strong emotions because they felt significant. Especially when the experience represented rejection, humiliation, abandonment, betrayal, even danger, and absolutely powerlessness. That happens a lot as a child. Maybe you don't remember what you ate Tuesday three weeks ago. But you remember exactly what someone said during an argument seventeen years ago. Why? Because it mattered emotionally, right? Your brain essentially said, save this information. I may need it later. It may be important later. So sometimes that spreadsheet isn't pettiness. Sometimes it really began as a protection when we were younger. If I remember what happened, maybe maybe I can prevent it from happening again. That's worth some compassion, right? But here's the problem. A tool designed to protect you can eventually imprison you. I'm gonna say it again. A tool designed to protect you can eventually imprison you. Because if you're constantly scanning today's relationships through yesterday's wounds, you may never experience today as today. That is something I need to work. You may never experience today as today if you keep viewing and scanning your relationships through yesterday's wounds. So when that spreadsheet that you've been working on since nineteen seventy-seven or nineteen ninety-seven or whenever, whenever that spreadsheet is doing its thing and it becomes your identity. Eventually we become attached to the role. That makes sense. The role becomes the one who does everything. The one nobody appreciates. The one everybody disappoints. The responsible one. The forgotten one. Right? The betrayed one. Gosh, how many of us have been betrayed? The one who always forgives. And once that becomes part of our identity, we unconsciously collect evidence supporting it. Mm-hmm. And it goes right into that spreadsheet. Yep. And that's hard. It's hard because healing may require asking those hard questions. Who am I if I stop being the person who keeps track of everything everybody has done to me? Who am I then? If I stop doing that? What happens if I don't need the evidence anymore? Does letting go mean I didn't matter? No. Does forgiveness mean they were right? No. Does moving forward mean forgetting? No. Sometimes it simply means I no longer need to prosecute this case every day of my life. What A release, that is. I no longer need to prosecute this case every day of my life. And then along comes the I'm fine folder. I have a whole live on it. I think I'm gonna do another live of the 41 different definitions of I'm fine, uses of the word fine. So let's talk about another spreadsheet tab, then. That is the I'm fine tab, right? The stuff we said didn't bother us. Mm-hmm. Right? Someone asked, Are you mad? No. Did that bother you? Nope. Are you sure? I'm fine. Save file. Mm-hmm. Then what? Six months later? Remember that time you Wait, you said you were fine. Well, apparently, fine incorporated has been accumulating interest. So this is where communication matters, right? Because we cannot repeatedly tell people it's okay. And then secretly add it to their balance. If it's not okay. If it's not okay, say it's not okay. Maybe not immediately. Maybe you need some time to gather your thoughts and everything. That's healthy. I get that. But say it. Say, blah blah blah. I'm upset and I need some time before I can talk about it. That's perfectly okay to do that. That's different from pretending there isn't a problem. Stop pretending there aren't problems. Stop accumulating those files. Stop making those spreadsheets legal sized. You know, there is a huge cost to you for those spreadsheets. There there is a cost of the accumulated, unexpressed resentments that we carry. Yeah. Resentment rarely stays quiet forever. It's just not going to. It's going to leak. It's going to peak. It's like a stick of dynamite. It's going to come out as sarcasm. I mean, it's going to come out as eye rolling, withdrawals, disassociation, passive aggressive behavior. You're going to stop showing affection. You're going to have less less patience with someone. Irritation is going to be through the roof. And then along comes the avoidance. Then you have sexual disconnections, emotional distancing, and eventually what happens? The other person says, What's wrong with you lately? And your thinking Would you like the PDF or Excel version? But underneath that joke is pain. Unspoken hurt does not disappear. It just changes form. You see that? It's just changing form. You're just being passively aggressive and sarcastic instead of speaking the pain. What offences are you still tracking? And why are you still keeping them? Has the issue ever actually been resolved? Did you communicate how deeply it affected you? Did you ever at any point accept an apology verbally while still emotionally remaining angry? My patr's probably next to that one. Do you bring old offences into new disagreements? Do you use words like always? Never? Are you collecting evidence against someone? Do you notice their failures more easily than their efforts? Is the relationship actually unequal? Or has resentment changed the way you perceive the relationship? What would fairness look like? What repair do you actually need? And have you clearly asked for it? And the big one, what would happen if you stopped keeping score? Would you feel vulnerable? Would you fear being taken advantage of? Would you feel like you were letting them say, get away with it? Because that's important information. Your spreadsheet may have started because something genuinely hurts you. Honor that. It's okay to honor that. But ask yourself, is this record helping me establish healthy boundaries or keeping me emotionally tied to the offense? Yeah. Because that's where we're going next. The I notice everything, the hyper-awareness, the people pleasing, emotional labor, and the origins of resentment. So let's get a little deeper into the subject. Some of us don't merely notice people. We study them. Their voice changes slightly. We notice. Mm-hmm. Don't take that tone. I heard that tone. They're not in good mood. Text. Has a period where there normally isn't one? Mm-hmm. Because we done read that text based off of how we're feeling. Something's wrong. Door shuts differently. We notice. They're quieter than usual. We notice. Different facial expressions. Duly noted. Energy changed. yeah, we noticed that. And then we wonder. How can you not notice that I'm upset? Because noticing people became automatic for us. People readers. But here's the question. Why are you so good at noticing? Why are you so good at noticing? For some people it came from empathy. For others, it came from survival. It came from necessity. The child who learned to read the room. Imagine growing up in a home where emotional stability wasn't guaranteed. Maybe a parent was unpredictable. Maybe conflict could explode quickly. Maybe there was addiction. Maybe there was anger, emotional s instability in the home, maybe. Maybe affection depended on somebody's mood. Maybe you needed to know, is mom okay? Is dad angry? Is it safe to ask? Should I stay quiet? Should I disappear? Should I make them laugh? Should I help? Should I be perfect? A child in that environment may become incredibly observant. Footsteps mean something. Facial expressions mean something. Tone means something. Silence means something. Eventually you become skilled at predicting people. And then adulthood comes. Now you're doing now you're doing it everywhere, right? Relationships, work, friendships, it don't matter, family. You're anticipating everybody. And somewhere inside your thinking, why doesn't anybody do this for me? And then, as I've stated in many other things before, resentment begins. Then you get to the people pleasing connection of it. If you were on my TikTok lives, I've been talking about this recently and I had a conversation about people pleasing. I'm pretty sure I also have a podcast on it. So in those conversations, I talked about people pleasing and how it often gives things that nobody actually requested. So people pleasers give of their hearts, then eventually become angry because nobody reciprocates. Right? That sentence might hurt. I don't know. Do I need to repeat that? I wish I could actually hear somebody say yes. I'm just gonna pretend like you did. People pleasers often give things nobody requested. Right? Then eventually become angry because nobody reciprocates. Nobody ever buys me gifts. I'm always the one without a gift. Buying everybody else gifts, but nobody ever gives me anything. I'm always the one without a gift at Christmas time. That sentence might hurt. It's hurt for me to realize that I've been that way a few times. We give, we anticipate, we fix, we rescue, we accommodate, we rearrange our schedules, we remember everybody's birthday, we check on everybody, we make sure everybody's comfortable. We notice when everybody is struggling, right? And eventually, what about me? We get tired, we get burnout. But here's the difficult question: Did anyone ask you to carry all of Sometimes yes, sometimes absolutely. But sometimes we volunteered because being useful became how we felt valuable. Being useful is how we became valuable. And then we became resentful that nobody was doing for us what we had trained ourselves to do for everybody. Sound familiar? Are you checking the box in your head? Yep, that's me. It's like an unspoken bargain. People pleasing often contains like an unconscious bargain. I'll take care of you and eventually you'll take care of me. Except we never told them about that bargain. We just hoped they would reciprocate naturally. And when they don't. Well they should know. And there it is again. They should know. So somehow when we go on through all of that, we come into the emotional labor part of it. Now we also need to acknowledge the reality. Sometimes one person genuinely is carrying more. Right? They're remembering appointments, managing schedules, planning meals, buying gifts, maintaining family relationships, remembering all the birthdays and scheduling doctors and tracking school activities and planning the holidays and noticing what needs replacing and knowing. Where everything is and being the emotional support person for everybody. The mental load is real. And telling somebody who is legitimately overwhelmed, well, you should have asked for help, can become another burden. Don't ever say that to somebody. Because now the person carrying everything also has to become the manager who delegates everything. So we need nuance here. The solution isn't nobody should ever expect anything unless they explicitly ask. The solution is shared in awareness and communication. Something most adult humans lack: awareness and communication. Relationships require both. Relationships. Require initiative from both. They require both to notice. They require responsibility. They require consideration. The goal is not lowering expectations to zero. The goal is making expectations visible. So then we get to the part where, and I know I speed through these things, expectation becomes like entitlement. Well, there's expectation versus entitlement. entitlement is is a huge thing these days. And so Healthy expectations is like this I expect my partner to treat me respectfully, but an unhealthy assumption is they should know exactly what respectful behavior means to me in every situation. Really? Healthy expectations is I expect shared responsibility. Unhealthy assumptions is they should automatically know every task I believe needs doing. Healthy expectations is I expect honesty. Healthy expectation. I expect boundaries to be represented after I communicate them. Healthy expectation. I expect effort. So don't hear this episode and think, I guess I can't expect anything from anybody. No, you absolutely can. But expectations work better when everybody knows what game they're playing. Because we gotta learn to communicate it. Right? Not talk out the side of our mouth. We've got to learn to communicate it. So when they should know is actually valid. Well I'm gonna flip this a little because sometimes they do know. You've said it, like repeatedly, clearly, sometimes in writing, sometimes in text, and sometimes in person. You've calmly done it. You've explained. This hurts me. I need this. This is important. Please don't do this. This is a boundary. And they keep doing it. That isn't mind reading. That is information. If someone repeatedly ignores clearly communicated needs or boundaries, the question changes. It's not how do I explain this better? But possibly what am I going to do with the information their behavior is giving me giving me? Tripped over my own tongue. What am I going to do with the information their behavior is giving me? Boundaries aren't about endlessly convincing people. That's just teaching them how to treat you. Boundaries eventually require decisions. And that's just adulting. So when you keep explaining yourself, some of us overexplain. Right? I've done it because we're desperate to finally be understood. We think maybe if I use different words, maybe if I stay calmer, maybe if I if I use another example. Maybe if I explain my childhood or or maybe if w why it hurts, maybe then they'll understand. But understanding and willingness are different things. Somebody can understand perfectly and still choose differently. And that hurts. That clarity though can be extremely freeing. So hear me again. Understanding and willing willingness are different. Somebody can perfectly understand and still choose differently. And that hurts. There's a difference between mistake and a pattern. Clearly a difference. You ask, did they forget once or repeatedly? Did they misunderstand or did they dismiss? Did they apologize? Did the behavior change? Do they take accountability? Can you talk safely about concerns? Do they become defensive? Do they turn everything back on you? Does repair happen? Because relationships don't require perfection. They require repair. And that's huge. Relationships don't require perfection. They require repair. People will disappoint each other. People will misunderstand. People will say dumb things. We're human. The question isn't, will you ever hurt me? The better question is what happens after hurt occurs? Can we talk? Can we listen? Can we apologize? Can we change? Can we reconnect? That's where trust grows. So here's here's a like an equation that I would give. Unspoken expectations plus repeated disappointments plus silence equals resentment. Then you add in people pleasing, avoidance, poor boundaries, emotional exhaustion, old wounds, and suddenly you've got a casserole that nobody wants to eat. Nobody ordered that casserole. Well, in the South most people put everything in a casserole eventually. Anyway, the anger under all that resentment, the resentment often comes across as angry. But as I mentioned in my live today, underneath that actually lies grief. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired, boss. I'm tired. You ever watch the green mile? I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of feeling invisible. I'm tired of being the dependable one. I'm tired of carrying everybody. I'm tired of being strong, of hoping they'll change. Sometimes resentment is grief wearing armor. And that's worth remembering. So who taught me to anticipate other people's needs? Who taught you to anticipate other people's needs? Did love Teach you that taking care of everyone means That that's your job? Like, did you learn that as a child? Do you feel guilty when you prioritize yourself? Do you give more than you genuine genuinely actually get back from anyone? Do you say yes and resent it later? Do you expect repro reciprocity for things that you volunteered to do? Do you communicate needs directly? Am I carrying an unfair amount of emotional and household labor? That's questions I have to ask myself. Do you? Have you clearly communicated that there's imbalance? Has anything changed in those communications? Are you asking for partnership or secretly testing someone's love? What would happen if you stopped t anticipating everybody? Might you become uncomfortable? Would I? probably. Do do you know who you are when you're not needed? Do I know who I am when I'm not needed? I do now. I'm getting there more and more every day. And that's a big one. Do I know who I am when I'm not needed? You don't lose your identity when you can answer that question. Who are you when you're not needed by everyone else? Because some of us have spent our whole lives being useful. Maybe healing means learning that you deserve love. Even When you're not solving everybody's problems. That is not yours to carry in your backpack, right? It's gone. Take a breath with me. I just did. I get myself worked up over these things. Because this isn't in in this last little bit, I'm gonna try to wrap this up. This is where we stop analyzing everybody else for a minute and ask, what can I do differently? Not because you know everything was your fault, everything was my fault, not because other people don't need accountability, but because your power lives in what you can control. I hope that makes sense. You cannot control whether or not somebody reads your mind. You can't control whether or you use your voice. to communicate and express what you need. So tool number one, replace they should know with have I told them. Every time you catch yourself thinking, they should know. Ask, have I clearly told them? If the answer is no, then what? You communicate. If the answer is yes, then you ask, how did they respond? That tells you something. Number two, make request instead of test. Yes, I'm asking you to stop giving tests that people don't even know they need to pass. Instead of let's see whether they notice. Try. I've had a really difficult day. Could you sit with me for a few minutes? Instead of if they care, they help. How about you try? I'm overwhelmed. Can you handle dinner tonight? Instead of saying things like they should know anniversaries matter, I mentioned it earlier. Try saying our anniversary matters to me. I'd really love for us to make plans. Does that feel less romantic? Maybe initially. But guess what? It gives people the opportunity to succeed. And over time, they learn you. Not because they magically guess, because you let yourself be known. Let yourself be known. Number three. Say what the thing means. Instead of fighting over surface issues, talk about the meaning underneath. So instead of you never buy me flowers, say small surprises make me feel you thought about me. Instead of you never help. Try when I have to manage everything, I feel alone. Instead of saying like you never listen, try saying when I'm talking about something emotional, I need you to listen before trying to solve it. Now we're communicating. We're not expecting. We're communicating. Tool number four. Stop saying it's fine when it isn't. Told one of my besties today, actually two of them. I'm fine as leaving my vocabulary. This may actually save about 14 spreadsheets. Every week. Yep. If it isn't fine, don't say it's fine. You don't have to explode. Just say that bothered me. I need time to process that. I don't want to argue right now, but I do want to come back to this at a later point. I felt dismissed when that happened. I need us to talk about this. That again is healthy communication. Tool number five. One argument at a time. This one can be difficult because sometimes they all kind of commingle. If you're arguing about today's problems, stay in today's problems. Before mentioning 1987, ask, is this historical example necessary to explain a pattern? If yes, use it carefully. If not, leave 1987 alone. She's tired. She's real tired. If every current disagreement requires historical evidence, there may be unresolved resentment that needs its own conversation. Right? Tool number six, differentiate pattern from proof. So if you believe someone has a pattern, don't bring 47 examples. Just say, I'm noticing a pattern. Give one or two examples. Then discuss the pattern. Otherwise, people become so busy defending individual details that the real issue disappears. Tool number seven. Ask what repair looks like. After hurt, ask. What do I need now? An apology? Changed behavior? Reassurance? Accountability? Accountability. Y'all, my mouth is tired at this point. Information? A boundary? Maybe even a deeper conversation. Or am I demanding something impossible, like changing history? Sometimes we stay stuck because we haven't identified what resolution would actually look like. Think about that. What does resolution actually look like? Can you ever really delete that spreadsheet? Maybe not completely. Something shouldn't be forgotten. Patterns matter. History informs boundaries. Wisdom remembers. But there's a difference between remembering for wisdom and remembering for ammunition. That's the disconnection. Wisdom says, I remember what happened, so I make healthier choices. Resentment says, I remember what happened. So I can make you pay again. One protects for future, the other keeps you living in your past. Forgiveness, let's talk about that for just a second. I know a lot of you have issue with forgiveness. and how we historically as humans think of forgiveness as allowing someone to get away with something. But forgiveness doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't mean it didn't hurt. It doesn't mean they can do it again. It doesn't mean that we reconcile with them. It doesn't mean that you trust them. Trust and forgiveness are identical or aren't identical rather. Forgiveness, it's generally personal. Reconciliation requires participation, participation from both people, right? Reconciliation requires participation from both people. One of them is Norrin. Trust requires evidence. Makes sense? That's important. You can release your need to carry the anger and still have the boundaries. You can release your need to carry the anger and still have boundaries. You can forgive and decide so but sub decide that somebody no longer will ever get the same access to you. You can wish somebody well from way the hell over there. Peace doesn't require proximity. Forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation. What if they never apologize? Sometimes closure doesn't arrive in the form we hoped. Sometimes the person who hurts you will never understand, never acknowledge it, never apologize, never change. And if your healing requires their confession, they still control your freedom. And remember that I said that. At some point, you may have to decide: I know what happened, I know what it did to me. I know what I deserved and I don't need their agreement to heal. And that's powerful. So if you want to do a little spreadsheet, spreadsheet ceremony, Lord have mercy, y'all. So Let's do a little something together. Imagine the the spreadsheet that I've been talking about. You know, just imagine it's in front of you. Open it up, scroll through it. Some of y'all gonna need a minute. Because, you know, apparently yours has fourteen tabs. Mine might have sixteen. Look at the names, the situations, the offenses, the disappointments, the betrayals. Now, ask about each one. Does this still require action? Maybe yes. Then address it. This does this require a boundary? Create one. Does this require grief? Allow it. Does this require forgiveness? Consider it. Does this require distance? Honor that. Does this require another conversation? Have it. But if it requires nothing, if the situation is over, The person is gone, the relationship is ended, the lesson was learned, and the only thing left is you reopening the file. Maybe it's time to archive that. Maybe not erase it. Archive it. Because it happened. You're not gonna take that away. But it doesn't have to stay open on your desktop every day. There's a difference between letting go and letting back in, right? This point needs to be crystal, crystal, crystal, crystal clear. Letting go doesn't mean letting somebody back in. You can release resentment without reopening access. I have several people I'm trying to talk to talk through that at this time. You can stop being angry and still say no. You can forgive and still say that relationship isn't healthy for me. You can love someone and still have boundaries. You can understand why someone behaved the way they did and still refuse to tolerate the behavior. Understanding isn't permission. Compassion isn't access. Forgiveness isn't reconciliation. Peace isn't weakness. Peace isn't weakness. Stop making people take tests they don't know they're taking. Here's your challenge. Stop secretly testing people. If you want something, say it. If something hurts, say it. If something matters, say it. If you need help, ask. If you need space, say so. If you need reassurance, say so. If you need affection, say so. If you need someone to simply listen, say, I don't need you to fix this. I just need you to hear me. Communication isn't less romantic than mis than mind reading. Communication is intimacy because intimacy isn't you magically know everything about me. Intimacy is I trust you enough to show you what's happening inside me. And that's beautiful. So before we close, I want you to sit with these. Where in my life am I saying they should know? What have I never actually said? What am I afraid will happen if I ask? What does asking mean to me? Does asking make me feel weak? Needy? Rejected? Unimportant? What am I secretly keeping score of? Whose name appears most often on my emotional spreadsheet sheet? Lord, have mercy. What unresolved hurt is underneath those entries? What do I actually need from that person? Have I told them? Are they capable of giving it? Are they willing? Am I waiting for an apology that may never come? Am I using old pain to Myself from new vulnerability? Am I confusing forgiveness with permission? Am I confusing boundaries with punishment? Am I expecting people to love exactly like I love? Do I allow people to learn me? Do I allow myself to change? Can I communicate today's needs instead of expecting someone to remember yesterday's version of me? And finally, what am I ready to stop carrying? Maybe the biggest lesson today is this. People cannot always know what we never say. And sometimes the people who love us most will still get it wrong. They will miss cues. They will misunderstand. They will forget. So will we. Love isn't proven by perfect anticipation. Sometimes love is proven by what happens after we say, hey, I need you. Do they listen? Do they care? Do they try? Do they repair? Do they learn? And when somebody shows you that they're willing to learn you, maybe we can stop expecting them to pass tests we never told them they were taking. And maybe, just maybe, we can retire our position as chief executive officer. Y'all I give up as chief executive officer of our emotional accounting department. I think I finally got that out. So close the Excel sheet, please. Save the lessons, keep the wisdom, delete what no longer belongs to you, and for the love of everything holy, stop reopening the tab from 1977. They don't even make the computer that spreadsheet started. Anymore. It's not even available. But seriously. Your memories matter. Your hurt matters. Your needs matter. Your boundaries matter. But so does your peace. You don't have to forget your history to stop living inside it. You don't have to excuse somebody to release resentment. You don't have to become less observant, less caring, less thoughtful, less generous. You just have to stop expecting everybody to automatically know what's happening inside a heart. They've never been given permission to fully see. Use your voice. Tell people what matters. Ask for what you need. Give people an opportunity to show up. And when you've clearly communicated and somebody repeatedly chooses not to show up, believe the information you're receiving because healing isn't teaching ourselves. I shouldn't need anything. Healing is learning. I can have needs without being ashamed of them. I can communicate without apologizing for existing. I can love without keeping score. I can remember without seeking revenge. And I can forgive without surrendering my boundaries. I can release resentment without denying what happened. And most importantly, I don't need somebody else to read my mind in order for my needs to be valid. Maybe they should have known, maybe they could have known, maybe they absolutely did know. But whatever the truth falls and wherever it falls, you now know. And knowing gives you choices. Communication, boundaries, repair, acceptance, distance, forgiveness, and change. Whatever comes next. Let it let it come from clarity instead of resentment. Because we're not carrying a forty nine year old spreadsheet into the next chapter. We got better things to carry. Hope, wisdom, peace, a little bit of sass. Obviously, my coffee. Because this has been back porch. And until next time, take care of your heart. Protect your peace. Say what you mean. Ask for what you need. And remember, you are here to understand yourself. Not spread your whole life. Not actually spend your whole life trying to make everybody else understand you. I'll see you back here on the porch. And somebody else. That's out there listening. No, no. The one that's sitting behind you you didn't know was listening the whole time. Please close that Excel sheet. You don't need it anymore. Bye. Gravesb41: If you're looking for beautiful, meaningful, and custom-made creations that tell a story, Little Butterfly Design and Print is where creativity and compassion come together. Cheryl specializes in personalized designs that celebrate life's most important moments, from custom shirts and prints to heartfelt gifts, memorial pieces and unique creations made just for you. Every design is crafted with intention, care, and a personal touch that you can feel. Whether you're honoring a loved one, supporting a cause, building your brand, or simply want something one of a kind, Cheryl brings your vision to life in a way that feels truly special. Little Butterfly Design and Print isn't just a business. It's a reminder that even the smallest ideas can transform into something beautiful. Support a small business that pours love into every detail. Find Little Butterfly Design and Print by Cheryl A. Harlan online and see how she can create something meaningful just for you. Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, statement accessories, and deals that make your wallet smile, Polished has something for every woman, every season of life. So if you're anywhere near Robinson, Illinois, go see Mindy and her girls at Polished Boutique. Tell them Back porch confession sent you. And don't be surprised if you leave feeling a little more confident than when you walked in. Polished Boutique, where style meets heart. Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. Our Way Skin by AYXA is a simple, luxurious skincare created with real women in mind. Think clean ingredients, formulas you can see and feel, smoother texture, that healthy glow and confidence looking back at you in the mirror. Whether you're juggling family, work, or just need a little self-care moment, Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly.